Boys will be Children

Recently, my four year old son went to the barber with his father.  It was a barber shop he had been to before, but only once, where they use no scissors, only electric clippers. The first time, he was visably nervous, but the barber was very calm and assuring with him and it ended up being a positive experience overall and his hair looked great.  This time, however, the experience went differently.

This time, with a different barber at the same shop, my son started to cry.  He said it was because it felt like the clipper was pulling his hair.   I know that he is especially sensitive to sensations around his ears and if the clippers seem to be pulling more than last time, I can imagine that it would be cause for him to cry because it's hard for any four year old to distinguish and react to conflicting sensations and emotions and crying is a good way of processing those emotions if you aren't fully ready to express it in words.  I imagine that it must have been uncomfortable for the barber on a busy Saturday, in a small shop, to have a strange child crying while he's trying to cut his hair. I am not without compassion for the man.  However, he was without any compassion for my child.  My husband said he handled it horribly, even telling him to "suck it up, buttercup."  Among other actions that clearly let worry one know how disgusted he was by my son's outpouring of emotion.  

Here's my issue.  I know that not everyone can handle children crying.  I also know that reasonable adults have bad days, but I also know for a fact that he would not have been treated that way if he were female,  I know it for a fact because I cried off and on even I got my hair cry up through age ten or so and although I got a range of flustered reactions, that was not one of them.  I got empathy, I got frustration, I got irritation, but no one ever told me that I needed to "suck it up."  I may have been exasperating, but I was never invalidated.  Here's the truth, whatever gender expression children have, it has nothing to do with whether or not or how they express their emotions.  Babies cry, girls cry, boys cry, women cry, men cry, intersex people cry.  Crying is a healthy expression of emotions.  It is only our culturally trained discomfort with strong emotions and our culturally trained level for tolerance that make us believe that tears are more acceptable for some and not others and the intolerance that is shown for the emotions of boys is absolutely reprehensible.  I can't count the number of times my son has been applauded for times he doesn't cry and scorned and mocked when he does.  I've even heard relatives telling him to "man up."  Man up?  He's a child!  And what kind of individual refuses to cry when he or she is hurt?  An unhealthy one.  A repressed one.

Boys will be children.  Children (and all humans) will cry.  If it's uncomfortable for you or someone around you, try to grow up a little.  Don't take it out on a child.

Remembering Dr. Maya Angelou, Mom-spiration

Not enough can be said about Dr. Maya Angelou and the impact she had upon the world and particularly this country in her 86 years of living.  She led a rich, full life and was an activist, actor, singer, dancer, writer, speaker, poet, teacher. ..the list goes on and on.  She was also a mom.  A mom who once wrote that "[t]he birth of my son caused me to develop enough courage to invent my life" (Letter to My Daughter).  It's pretty safe to say that Dr. Angelou was never fated to live an ordinary life, and by the time she was 42, she had already been an activist with the Civil Rights movement (working with both Malcolm X and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), traveled the world as an actor, worked in foreign countries, raised a son who was then a man who was 25 years old, and led a very full life.  What she had not yet done was publish I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings, the work she is now most famous for.  Had she not published that book and the many she would go on to publish afterwards and taken full advantage of the opportunities that arose from them, it is likely that while she would have been a rich person in history and a colorful friend/mentor to those lucky enough to be around her, she would not be the iconic voice of wisdom that she became and that we lost last week.  It is awe-inspiring to me that much of her success was due, she believed, to her experience of raising her son, Guy.

Much is made of the way motherhood takes us "away" from who we are and what we want to accomplish.  We do "sacrifice" a lot, particularly to the early years of parenting, however, there is also inspiration and motivation and reinvention inherent in being a mother that was, perhaps, too emphasized in the past and not mentioned enough now.  Now that we know how many years we were fated to have Dr. Angelou, I suppose it is only natural to wonder how much better off we all might have been if we could have had those first 42 years she spent with a semi-private life (I mean, how private can I really call the life of a performer and dedicated humanitarian and civil rights activist?).  However, much of those years were spent experiencing what would become the material for her writing and her life's work. She was raising her son into manhood, and she was also raising herself beyond the limitations she never knew she had placed on herself before learning who she really wanted and deserved to be (and also who Guy deserved her to be).

I wonder if, during those years, she felt many of the frustrations I feel as a mother of young children.  How many books did she compose in her head only to lack the time to write them down?  How much of her wise counsel to the world was lost in  a world of scraped knees, stomachaches, and sleepless nights?  I can't even seem to get my weekly blog done on time, not from lack of ideas, but from lack of opportunity to get my ideas down.  Entire novels have been born, flourished, and died from lack of time (and increasingly) lack of talent.  My fiction skills are rusty from lack of use.  The metaphorical number two pencil in my brain has a cracking, dried eraser and a broken tip.   I am not comparing myself to Dr. Angelou who clearly surpasses me in all things, but I am drawing a parallel between the life a woman leads while parenting young children and the life she can lead once her children are grown.  I don't think Dr. Angelou would disagree with me as she writes in one of her autobiographies, it was only after her son grew up and said to her, "I love you, Mom.  Maybe now you'll have a chance to grow up" (The Heart of a Woman) that she felt released to really focus solely who she wanted to be and what she wanted to accomplish (much of which was for the benefit of us all).

The truth is that Dr. Angelou might have been able to be more productive (incredible thought!  a woman who was so productive could have produced even more!) had she never been a mother, but who she was and what she had to say might not have been as wise.  She let being a mother not only define her, but also refine her into the woman we would all grow to love after she was in her forties.  I am no Dr. Angelou, but I am inspired by her.  I know there are women out there who do it all and I am inspired by them, too, but I'll bet if I talked to those who I think are "doing it all," I will learn that they feel that they are not doing everything as well as they would like, either.  I do not know how much time I will have on this earth and if I had to make a choice between raising my young sons or honing my skills into be a great writer, I will choose my sons because the experiences I am having raising them and learning from them are making me a better person and (I hope) making them better people, too.  However, it is my hope that I am not choosing one over the other, but rather choosing one first and then the other.  I am taking the chance that while my skills may be getting rusty that I am keeping as sharp as I can with the writing I do manage to accomplish (as flawed and rife with embarrassing typos such as it is) and, more importantly, I am using my experience as a mother to grow as a human being and to develop a wiser, kinder, and sharper mind.  God willing, I, too, will have a second act in me and I will get all of the cobwebs and dust out of my mind and begin to write again perhaps better than I ever did before because of all my sons and family have given me to experience.  Not all of us can be a Dr. Angelou, but all of us can learn and be inspired by her and the way she used motherhood to inspire her to be a better person.

Rest in peace, Dr. Angelou.  You were a mother, friend, and teacher to us all.
Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Parenting: The Ultimate Destruction of Perfection

I had 38 weeks of almost perfect mothering.  I didn't scream, yell, or scar my child in any way.  I may not have eaten has healthy as I should have, but other than that I was golden.  I remember thinking about that.  I remember savoring what it felt like to be a perfect mother with a spotless record, knowing it was all going to end because my water had just broken the night before.  The next day, I gave birth and I immediately started making mistakes.  This is what being a parent is really about: giving up any chance of perfection.

As a child, adolescent, and even young adult, I was a bit of a perfectionist.  I only did what I was really good at and if I wasn't fairly sure I wouldn't be pretty good at it, I didn't do it at all. Sometimes, it held me back.  There were things I wanted to learn, but I *knew* that I wouldn't be great at them, so I was too embarrassed to try them too often.  I used to watch the food network and Top Chef and I desperately wanted to learn how to cook, but really cooking stressed me out so I stuck to very simple meals and became very edgy and grumpy when I did try to stretch myself.  If it didn't turn out like the recipe, I panicked and felt incredibly embarrassed.  I only cooked things for people I knew I could cook reasonably well, and when in doubt, I'd suggest we go out or order in.  In college, I majored in something I loved, but also that I knew I could succeed in.  Partly it was because of my passion, partly it was because of my fear of failure.  Before anyone ever came over, I cleaned feverishly.  I agonized over what I would say when I met people or what we would talk about when we spent time together.  (Actually, that was a waste of time because I always felt afterward that I had said all the wrong things, anyway.)  I always wanted a clean slate and to do things right.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that motherhood is the antithesis of all that.  With children, you learn quickly that no one can ever be "on" 24 hours a day.  There is no planning what you can and will say for every situation because children are completely unpredictable.  You can mess up horribly, horrifically, in ways that are sure to lead your children into years of therapy, but you can't even allow yourself an hour to obsess about it because they still need you to take care of them moments later and there is no escaping the mess you just made.  You have to face it and move on, immediately.  Everyday, I feel like I live a thousand books or movies on parenting and about half are tales of triumph and the other half are cautionary tales like "Mother Dearest."  My first year as a mother was demoralizing because I had to let go of any idea that I ever would be "great" or "perfect" again.  Even in my physical body!  I have never had a very attractive appearance ("okay" would probably be my highest rating) and, honestly, I probably have a better chance of getting in shape now than I ever did in the past, but there were features I liked about myself back then, my hair among them and wouldn't you know as soon as I had my first baby, I found I immediately had some gray hair!  And saying/doing the right thing all the time and trying to be the "perfect" mother?  Forget it, I could barely function at all on the ten minutes of sleep it seemed like I was getting at night.  I was so sleep deprived by the time I reached the six month mark that I lost my ability to make short term memories.  People came to visit and we went places with them and less than a year later, I DIDN'T REMEMBER anything about the visit because I had not been able to form any memories I was so sleep deprived.  My quest for perfection had to end and the world actually got a little better when it did.

For one thing, I can cook now.  After having to change my diet dramatically to nurse both of my sons, and having to juggle multiple food allergy issues, I had no choice but to cook.  My meals aren't always glamorous or perfect the first time out, but they have gotten better and, after working through what was a surprisingly short period of mistakes and unimpressive entrees, they have become not only healthier, but actually quite good.  I'll never be a chef-testant, but I am probably a better cook than a great many people out there and my food (even with all its food allergy restrictions) tastes a lot better than what I was eating before.  For another thing, even though I probably mess up more on a lot more important things, I'm much better at letting things go and starting over.  Are there days when I miss those fantastic 38 weeks of mothering perfection?  Sure.  I was an excellent mother before I had kids, full of patience, wisdom, tolerance, and creativity.  But like all perfect things, it wasn't real.  It wasn't tangible.  I could think about it and plan for it, but I couldn't snuggle up with it and kiss away tears with it like I can real motherhood.  So, as much as I might romanticize making a new start to parenting and doing it better this time, I know in my heart that I've done the best I can with who I am every step of the way and that has involved some pretty stomach wrenching mistakes and some serendipitous triumphs.  Everyday, I learn a little better how to embrace them both and lessen the former while enjoying the latter.

I used to dream of accomplishing great things and leaving a legacy that could stand for years.  I was obsessed about it.  Motherhood has taught me to accomplish small things with great love.  My new goal is to try to create ripples of kindness that can echo throughout the lives of my children (and if I'm lucky) their children and maybe their children's children.  Even if no one remembers my name anymore, I hope that I can pour enough imperfect kindness and love into my children so that they will feel empowered to pour their own imperfect kindness and love into the world.

Now, I'm off to make a few hundred more mistakes today. . . and if I'm lucky, a few hundred and one more miraculously good moments.

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Slugs and Snails and Duck Down: Remembering what Individuals are Made Of

I try to be a mom who sees her kids as individuals first,  I encourage my sons (and husband) to be demonstrative and open about their emotions.  I am ridiculously protective of gendered stereotypes such as telling a boy he's "brave" or "tough" only when he doesn't cry (I tell them they are brave and tough anytime they face their fears and if they need to cry, cry! It's what humans do!). I was pretty vocal in combatting the "he's all boy" type comments we got when he broke his arm for the second time before Christmas.  I try to give my boys opportunities not just to destroy, but also to build, not just to drive cars, but also to nurture.  They play swords occasionally, but those foam pirate swords can only be used to touch other swords or weapons. They actually play with their play kitchen a bit more often.  I am not trying to raise them in a gender-less environment, but I am trying to help them define their gender as part of the identity they create for themselves and, mostly, to learn about and be themselves first and foremost.  So, imagine my surprise when I realized this morning that I have been in the midst of the silliest kind of gender stereotyping for weeks and had not realized it!

  It began innocently enough.  As spring begins to emerge rather sleepily and sluggishly throughout the Midwest, I decided to try to interest my eldest son in more animal and natural world activities.  His father has been taking him in the yard to help with beginning yardwork and set up the bird feeder his uncle got him for Christmas in front of our living room window so he could watch the birds as they reentered our yard. We've been enthusiastically playing outside, going for walks, and marking the changes in the yard as the new season awakens.  Meanwhile, I decided to try showing him a larger natural world by getting fun videos from the library.  While a decent idea, my selections were ridiculous.  Remembering what my brothers loved when they were young, I checked out dinosaur videos, shark videos, and old crocodile hunter videos.  Week after week, my son was completely uninterested in watching them.  I never "made" him, but I was perplexed as to why he wasn't interested.  This is a child who loves watching Anerica's Castles with me and documentaries on bridge engineering, so surely the content wasn't too boring for him! What was wrong?  Didn't he like nature?

This morning I found out.  Confident he would like Steve Irwin if he only gave him a try (everyone loved Steve Irwin, right? Even my mother who hates snakes, lizards, and anything that crawls with the burning passion of a thousand suns loved Steve Irwin!), I put in an episode of Croc Files.  It was one on marsupials.  My son initially was resistant, but eventually relaxed as the episide continued.  

"Mama, I like this kangaroo and koala part, but please turn it off before we get to the part with crocodiles.  They scare me."   

"They scare you?"

"Yeah, the teeth are scary like sharks and dinosaurs.  I don't like them.  I don't like those kinds of animals with big, scary teeth . . . Like tigers or other scary things."

Suddenly, a light bulb went off in my head.  Instead of picking out nature videos that would appeal to my son (the individual who adores birds, especially ducks, and desperately wants to go fishing), I had been wasting my time picking out videos that would appeal to my preconceived idea of what "boys" like (sharks and crocodiles)!  While he probably will want to learn about other creatures someday, a much better choice for first nature documentaries probably would have been dolphins, fish, and ducks!  He is a cautious child and has never shown any interest in predators.  What was I thinking?  I had been so concerned about picking up stuff that "boys" would like, I had forgotten what my son would like.  

We turned off Croc Files since that was the only episide without crocs, and turned on a netflix "Duck-umentary" and my son was enraptured.  At the library, we checked out videos on fish, birds, planets, and constructing domes (my little engineer is particularly keen on that one).  This time, he's excited for the science movies and I'm excited to give him views of the natural world beyond our backyard that won't scare him.

Gender stereotyping can sneak up on you when you least expect it.  As embarrassing as it might be to admit you've made a mistake, apologize and move on quickly.  I hope my son knows that I am seeing him for him again and not just as what I imagined a "boy" to be.  I also hope that my own accidental stereotyping doesn't sneak up on me again for awhile!

Thanks for reading, 

Shawna

Broken Toe Mothering: How an Unfortunate Accident was Actually Good Fortune in Disguise

I remember the moment like it was yesterday even though it was three weeks ago.  I was rushing around the house and felt completely overwhelmed.  Both boys were crying.  Everywhere I looked was covered with things I needed to put away or clean.  I had dishes to do, a meal to cook, the floor to clean, bathrooms to scrub, a diaper to change, and I was fairly certain my four year old and I had not done a single educational thing together all day.  I felt like screaming and I had been a bossy, grumpy, mama all afternoon.  Then, things got worse.  While vacuuming with my youngest on my back, I took a step forward just as my other son called for me and I stubbed my toe on the vacuum and broke it.  Not the vacuum.  At least one bone in my toe.  I felt the crack and the pain after you've felt it once is undeniable.  This was the last thing I needed.  It was also the exact thing he needed.

You see, I learned something the next day as movement of any kind caused agony.  My problem wasn't the number of things on my to do list or how little I was accomplishing or even that my kids needed more than I could give.  My problem was what I was expecting myself to accomplish and my way of trying to make those accomplishments.  With my toe broken and in pain, I relaxed my expectations for myself because I had to rest my foot.  Imagine my amazement when I discovered that even though I was able to do much less, everything seemed less stressful.  My eldest son, whom I'd been randomly attacking with educational ideas that he would then push away, suddenly began to come to me with educational ideas.  "Let's do puzzles, mama.  Let's do mazes.  Let's build bridges.  Let's build houses.  Let's do tangrams."  It turns out that he was dying to do fun learning activities with me, he just didn't want to do it when I was in a hurry.  Likewise, because I was spending less time running around the house attempting to clean like a mad woman and more time sitting in the living room or playroom with my children, my youngest became a lot less demanding because he had what he wanted, my attention.  Dinner still got cooked every night (although admittedly at the end of cooking more complicated meals where I am on my feet all the time, my toe is killing me).  The clothes still got washed and folded.  Chores still got done, but sometimes things had to be shifted to the next day in order to give my foot time to rest.  Surprisingly, while my house has not gotten cleaner, it hasn't gotten any messier, either.  It turns out that the more time I spend in the room with my boys, the less time they have to make ridiculously huge messes because I'm there helping them to clean as we go instead of there some of the time and then missing while I frantically clean stuff in another area of the room.

I think what I finally realized is that this is a "Broken Toe" period of mothering.  It is a time when expectations of myself, my house, and my life need to get a little more relaxed so that I can appreciate the hard work that is going on.  All mothers of young children are a little handicapped by the circumstance of being mothers of young children.  Young children cannot be independent.  The job of taking care of them is messy and time consuming and it precludes perfection (or even really good work) as a housekeeper. It is also rewarding and time sensitive.  While I will have the rest of my life to scrub dishes, floors, windows, laundry, etc.  (although hopefully in decreasing amounts as the years go on!), I only have a few years to be a mom of young children and when this season ends, it ends. Never to come again.  I can either relax my expectations of what "accomplishment" looks like right now or I can be constantly disappointed when I don't measure up, because my kids' needs are not going to lessen for awhile yet and they will always come first.  They might was well come first with me smiling and watching and (occasionally) resting and healing.  After all, it's better than if they come first because they have to demand it from me when I'm grumbling, preoccupied, and frenzied.

So, lesson learned, Universe.  Now can I please have my toe completely healed in the next week or two?

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Why Children Need to See Breastfeeding . . . Especially in Public

"You can't play with that baby right now.  His mama is doing something you shouldn't have to see." It's hard to convey the disdain uttered in those words spoken about me at a hockey game a few weeks ago.  Moments earlier, we had been friendly strangers.  The six or seven year old girl in question had been playing peek a boo with my eleven month old and letting him play with her game day pom poms.  As action on the ice heated up, all of us had been drawn to the ice and conversation and interaction had lulled.  Well, most of our attention was on the ice.  My sleepy baby had decided he was hungry and soundlessly nudged that it was time for him to eat.  As I was wearing a very modest nursing shirt, I was able to accommodate him on the stands and while I was not wearing a full nursing cover, no skin was showing (too cold. . . it's been non stop arctic blast here in Michigan).  However, when the little girl turned to tickle the happy, nursing baby's foot, her mother sprang into angry action, forcibly moving her to the other side of her and giving me looks that had they been translated into words would have been unprintable.  Deciding to not push the woman into saying more things that might lead her daughter to figure out that feeding the baby was what her mom was so angry about, I quietly ignored her and let my son nurse until he was finished.  Although the woman probably thought she was looking out for her daughter, I know I was doing the right thing and me nursing my son was exactly what her daughter needed to see . . . and her mother, too. Children need to see nursing especially in public because that is the only way it will ever become a normalized, supported part of the culture again.

I nurse in front of my elder son and other children all the time.  When I do that, I am also teaching.  I am teaching them that nursing a baby is not a sexual, private act (any more than bottle feeding is a sexual act).  I am also teaching them that breasts (and women) are not just sexual play things.  If I could have had a calm, private conversation with that mother, I would have explained that.  When we teach children that nursing should only be done in dark rooms or under blankets, we perpetuate the idea that breasts are purely sexual and that nursing is somehow a deviate act.  I am a naturally modest person and so the nursing I do publically is very modest, but that is a very personal choice.  In other eras, cultures understood breasts as both sexual and functional and had healthy cultures around it.  (In the Victorian Era, for example, when ankles were considered "racy" and women were swathed in dresses from neck to toe, nursing dresses of the time reveal almost no cover for nursing mothers and paintings suggest that nursing was done very publicly with no cover.)  In early American colonies, saturated with rules about the dressing and layering women must abide by from head to toe, paintings depict church, community meetings, and other public venues with women nursing very publicly uncovered.  Were these societies ones in which women had healthy non-over sexualized representations?  No.  However, these were socities in which breastfeeding was clearly not sexualized.  Nursing in public now, in this culture, is very important because it is an act that both desexualizes feeding babies and also works to de-hypersexualize women in our slightly more self-aware culture.

 Adults really struggle to be comfortable with this because they are products and participants in our

hypersexualized culture and, frankly, after decades of bottlefeeding as the cultural norm, breasts have become increasingly associated with sex.  Children, however, have no such suppositions and discomfort.  More children than ever are growing up in homes where breastfeeding is at least attempted if not completely successful than in many decades.  Children not growing up in those homes may be more curious when they see nursing mothers in public (the same way they are more interested in anything not found inside their homes and every day life), but they are equally open to seeing the act as normal as long as the adults around them present it as so.  This is why I did not engage the obviously angry mother in conversation.  I did not wish to goad her into saying in front of her daughter that nursing should not be done on demand or in a normal setting because it is not normal for her.  Her daughter had no awareness of why her mother was so on edge and I wanted to keep it that way.

So, what is the real effect of nursing in front of children?  It becomes completely normal and even dull.  How do I know this?  The photos in this blog are all taken by my four year old.  A self proclaimed photographer, he hasn't quite got the knack for composition and instead takes pictures of unposed inanimate objects, body parts, and other subjects that, frankly, most of us would find pretty uninteresting because his focus is learning how to work and focus his camera.  Among his photos of completely ordinary objects are pictures he's taken of me nursing his baby brother because nursing is so normal, it's boring . . . like blocks, feet, or a baby crawling .  This is what nursing looks like (whether in public or in private) in the eyes of a child who is used to it.   If children see enough public nursing, they won't notice, care, or see it as abnormal when they are older. Let's make nursing in public so normal and "boring" that our daughters and sons won't even notice it or care if they see a stranger at a hockey game feeding her baby. 

Thanks for reading, Shawna

Why Changing Birth Culture is Important for Our Sons as well as Our Daughters

My son loves books.  When we are at the library I try to preview most of what we check out, but sometimes books surprise me.  Recently, I checked out a book my son asked for that I thought was a standard book about welcoming a new baby into the family.  It turned out to be a very realistic and well done book (Hello Baby) about what a homebirth is like for young children.  The story is honest and simple and the illustrations are beautiful and specific without being too scary or overwhelming for the very young.  In fact, my son was fascinated by them.  The book actually brought about one of the coolest conversations I have ever had about birth with anyone.  After explaining that the illustration of the baby crowning was not the mama "pooping" out the baby, although I let him know I could understand why he would think that from the angle of the picture, I explained to him that a mother pushes a baby out of her vagina.  Instead of being repulsed or shutting down when he heard that word  (the way almost every male has reacted my entire life especially in a context about birth),  he was awestruck.  "That's why mamas have vaginas and not penises?  God makes them able to grow babies AND makes a way for the babies to get out into the world?  That is so AWESOME."

I forget sometimes what a new culture I am working to build for my sons, but moments like this remind me of why I am so dedicated to it.  No matter what he learns from the culture at large as he gets older, no one will ever be able to take away the honest, frank wonder and respect he felt for women that first moment when he realized how a baby is really born and why women are designed differently from men.  It's not because women and their reproductive organs are "yucky" or "impolite."  It's not because they are just mysteriously "different" just to confuse men.  It's because women have to be biologically different for us to procreate.  It is what we are designed to do. My son knows from the start that women are designed to birth babies and that a woman birthing is awe inspiring.  Imagine how he will feel about the woman who may one day birth his child.  Imagine how he will feel about being a birth partner if his initial memory is always one of wonder and not disgust or fear.  How much more prepared is he to be a good birth partner than most of our male partners were initially just starting from a place of understanding and respect rather than from ignorance and fear?  One day, he can look forward to his child's birth not only to meet the child, but also to see the wonder of his child's mother as a capable birther.  He doesn't need to be overwhelmed by any feelings that he does not "belong" there or that birth is scary or a secret that was never shared with him.  He can know what many of us didn't know until we were preparing to birth our children:  women are made to birth and birth may be powerful and life changing, but it  is also beautiful.

Changing birth options and birth choices may be couched in our understanding of women's rights and we may fight for best practices for our daughters to experience birth in a supportive, understanding, and safer environment, but we are also changing things for our sons who will one day support and love our daughters.  If I can teach my sons to be able to say the word "vagina" without giggling and to think of birth as natural and wonderful and I can teach my sons that breasts are made for breastfeeding first and sexuality as an additional, lovely bonus, I am normalizing birth and breastfeeding for men and women and creating a more supportive culture for women and men.  That's an awesome thing in and of itself.

Thanks for Reading,
Shawna

Gift Ideas for Young Children that Aren't in the Toy Aisle

 As I look around my house at the overflow of Christmas abundance and think about my youngest son's birthday in six weeks, I can't help but feel like the last thing he needs is more toys. But I know his relatives love him as they love his brother and I know they want to treat him and let him know he's loved.  I just think that sometimes inexpensive gifts and gifts outside the toy aisle are what my boys need most, so here are some gift ideas for young children that don't involve the toy aisle.

1.  Scarves

Not winter scarves, but fun silk/printed scarves.  I used to play with my grandmother's as a child and now my sons play with her collection as well as my collection.  Almost daily, those scarves are used to play dress up, peek a boo, or just be tossed in the air. $5-$15 new or go to a thrift store and buy them for $.50-1.00. Prewash and they are ready for play! Buy a bunch and watch a baby pull them out of the box one by one.  Magic!

2.  Kitchen utensils

Measuring cups, spatulas, whisks, cookie cutters, almost everything that doesn't have a blade is a fun and multi functional toy! Go to the dollar store and stock up! If the kids tire of them, they can be used to make dinner.

3.  Card board box collection

Keep a number of card board boxes, buy some crayons and markers, maybe even some paint.  Help the child make robots/cars/airplanes/houses/whatever!  You will be the coolest gift giver at the party!

4.  Gift memberships to zoos/science centers/local play areas.

  These are great! We have a few and use them often on the weekends!  The child gets fun, free, quality time with the family.

5.  Spend an afternoon teaching a skill

Do you sew, whittle, hunt, fish, cook, knit, paint, garden, camp, play an instrument or have another skill?  Wrap up some representation of it and spend an afternoon (or more) teaching my small child about it. Even if s/he doesn't like doing it him/herself, chances are they will enjoy your demonstration or just getting the chance to spend time with you!

6. Get tickets

Take my children or my family to hockey games, baseball games, plays, or concerts.  Take them to historical reenactments or renaissance fairs.  Help me show them the world in its variety.  Give the gift of a memory that lasts a lifetime.

7. Wooden Craft or Toy Building Kits

These are a huge, huge hit with my four year old.  Most large craft and home improvement stores have them and each one has been a hit at my house.

8.  A Whole Bunch of Stickers and Paper

No explanation necessary, but best for kids over two who won't try to eat the stickers or place them in inappropriate places.

9.  Old Magazines and Newspapers

These can be used for a variety of projects and skill building, from ripping and cutting to paper mâché.  Throw in some other craft supplies and you have kid heaven.

10.  Crazy Hats

Babies to big kids love playing with fun hats.  As a teen, I used to keep my littlest brother entertained for a good half hour to hour every time we went to the store by playing in the hat department.  You can afford a variety by buying used, but prewash and if possible dry!

11. Magazine Subscription 

(Idea suggested by Monica!)

Get my son a magazine subscription and he can do all of the craft ideas suggested  in number 9 and have something new in the mail every month.

What toy less gift ideas do you have?

Thanks for reading! 

Shawna

Help for First Time Pregnant Mothers

As two dear friends announce their pregnancies and begin on their journeys into motherhood, I want so much to ease their transitions. I want to wrap my arms and love around them and comfort them. I want to give them words of wisdom, but I'm not sure I know how.  I still feel a lot like a new mother myself.  So, what I can do is say the things I wish I could hop in a time machine and tell myself five years ago, knowing that my friends are on different roads of motherhood and have different hopes, fears, and experiences ahead of them than I had and as I have transitioned into having now.  

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to he a good one.

You will mess up. You will make wrong decisions. You will have regrets in your journey as a young mother.  Accept that and accept yourself at every stage. There is a wonderful quote about motherhood:
"The moment a child is born,

the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new." -Rajneesh

Remember in the early days that you are every bit as new and vulnerable as your baby. Just as life in the womb does little to prepare newborns for life outside the womb, your life before children does not really prepare you for the realities of mothering.  Be patient with yourself as you discover the mother you are meant to be.  Dust yourself off when you fall down and believe that with every stumble you are learning to run by learning your own boundaries and balance. Love yourself with the same compassion you give your baby.

Take your pregnancy to do two things: really connect with your partner and get as many house projects as you can done.

No matter how long you've been together and what your relationship has been and is like, having children is going to shift your relationship dramatically and sleep deprivation, stress, and finding your post baby equilibrium will all take a toll on your relationship. Build up as much romance and goodwill as you can.  Snuggle up and smooch as much as you can.  Make love both physically and emotionally with the things you do together.  Really savor these last few months when you are "you"--a couple without kids. It will be nearly twenty years before that will be the case again. As for the house projects, you cannot conceive of how much harder it is to get things done once the baby arrives. You may not think you have any time now, but post baby you will marvel at all the time you currently have.  Use it productively!

Learn about your birth options.

Educate yourself about your birth choices and know that you do have choices.  You do not have to give birth in the nearest hospital with a doctor a friend, cousin, or sister used.  Studies show that planned homebirth with a midwife can be just as safe and may result in a shorter labor with less interventions.  If you really are not comfortable with that option after researching it, you also have the options of birth centers with Certified Nurse Midwives, and independent birth centers with midwives.  You can also go to another hospital a bit further away.  You can still go the doctor at your closest hospital route, but learn what else is out there before you make your decision.  When you are in labor, the last thing you need to do is have things suggested to you that you know nothing about.  Take a good birthing class preferably not affiliated with a particular location and its practices so you can learn as much as you can.  Consider hiring a doula for your birth.  They are awesome women who will support you and your husband and greatly enhance your birth experience.


Learn about babywearing.

Wearing your baby is the absolute best thing you can do for both you and your baby.  Your baby gets to feel the security of being curled against you and you get the benefit of smelling that sweet baby smell and kissing the softest skin in the world while you get stuff done and eat things like burritos.  What's not to love?  Invest in a high quality carrier that protects your baby's hips.   You can learn all about them here and buy them used (Just in case your baby has other ideas about what s/he likes.). I will blog about that and the many benefits of baby wearing some other time. (Seriously, investing in a good carrier, wrap, or sling is the best baby item you can have.)

Buy used.

Whenever you can, buy gently used. Even the most well used baby clothes are still used for only a few months. If you want to cloth diaper, I highly recommend diaperswappers.  You can find huge lots of baby clothes of all sizes on ebay and craigslist, too, for a fraction of what you would buy new.  Consignment stores, donation stores, and specialty children stores are filled to the brim with gently used, like new, baby items.  If you have friends who already have children, see if you can borrow items that can really only be used a few months like swings, bouncy seats, infant bathtubs, etc.  Save your money as much as you can for the unexpected and for items you might use longer like high chairs, booster chairs, good car seats, and baby wearing gear.

Ask for gift cards instead of trying to register for baby items you may or may not use. 

Grandparents and family members are always excited about a new baby and particularly excited about a first baby.  They will want to help you as much as they can in their excitement.  Take them up on it, let them throw you a shower, but don't feel you have to register for a whole lot of stuff when you can often get it used for a fraction of the cost at Mom to Mom sales, garage sales, and gently used kids stores.  Instead ask for gift cards.  Gift cards for your favorite department store like Target or even your grocery store are particularly useful.  That way, once your baby

gets here and you learn more about what works for him/her and his/her personality, you will have the money to accommodate those things.  And don't be afraid to ask for things like gift certificates to stores that sell nursing bras/tops/etc. and for websites like etsy where you can buy washable nursing pads, unique diaper bags, slings, babywearing coats and all kinds of fun baby gear.


Most of all, love yourself and be open with whatever you are feeling when you are feeling it.

Pregnancy and first time motherhood are times of great emotional tumult.  Do not judge yourself too harshly for it.  Sleep in, baby yourself, and be open with how you are feeling!  Get into the habit now because it will only become harder as time goes on to get into the habit.  When your baby comes all your doubts and fears may go away, or maybe not.  You might feel instantly in love, but maybe not.  None of this means you will be or are a "bad" mother.  Just like babies are not born instantly knowing how to nurse, talk, walk, etc.  A woman who has just birthed a baby does not know everything all at once, either.  

Don't ever worry about what others "think" or even what you think you should "think," instead, go with what you "feel" is right every time.

Study all you want during your pregnancy, but be kind if the answers you find beforehand are not the ones that "feel" right once you have a baby.  Mother's intuition is real and don't be afraid to listen to it.  You will still make mistakes, but at least you will know that you did what you did because you were trying your best.  

I have a friend who was sure she would love bedsharing, full term nursing, cloth diapering, and a whole host of other "natural parenting" practices.  She learned through experience that while she did like some of those things, she did not like to do them for as long as she had thought and she actually couldn't stand some of them.  I just "knew" for all nine months I was pregnant with my first (and for years beforehand), that I would never, ever let a child sleep in my bed because I am too light of a sleeper, I would never be able to cloth diaper, I would nurse for twelve months maximum, I was too busy and lazy to worry about too much nutrition, and I would be a strict, traditional disciplinarian.  Now I am a co-sleeping, cloth diapering, full term breastfeeding, mother who believes passionately in gentle parenting and consequences rather than punishment and eating whole foods whenever possible.  I truly believe that this is the best course for my family and we are all better for it, but it took me a long time to get over the disconnect between what I had always "thought" was right and what I "felt" in my heart was right.  Then, just when I had everything figured out with my first, I had a second and discovered different things worked for him!  That's why comparing yourself to other mothers or trying to just clone what they do will never work. Every baby, every mother, every situation is different. Advice (even my advice) may be kindly offered, but don't feel you have to take it too seriously.  Save yourself some pain.  Go with your gut.  

Finally, get your mom and your best friends, both other moms and at least one non-mom, on speed dial.

Being a mother is the toughest job you'll ever love, but no one should feel like they are doing it alone.  In addition to working hard to stay open and connected with your partner, make sure to connect with other women.  They will know exactly how you feel and will not judge you for your "off days."  Your non-mom friend will help you remember who you were before you were a mother when you need it.  You will not believe how easy it is to forget that if you get too consumed.

All my love and good wishes for you on this journey to the woman and mother you were always destined to be.

Thanks for reading!
Shawna

Transparent isn't the same as Authentic: Choosing What to Share withSocial Media

There seems to be a misconception out there that who we are on our social media has to be a true representation of who we are in real life.  People complain it is not fair to keep some things private or to present an "ideal" or "best" version of our identities, families, partners, and children.  The general accusation is that by only presenting our "best" selves we are actively working to undermine others' opinions of their own lives and are making them feel bad about themselves.  I couldn't disagree more.  Here's why: other people's lives, their struggles, their embarrassments have nothing to do with you.  Likewise, their successes, their strengths, and their joys have nothing to do with you, either.  If you are basing your self worth or are judging your life as inferior because of someone else's facebook profile, than you are using the wrong basis for comparison.  The only kids your kids should be compared to are the best versions you know they can be of themselves.  The only partner your partner should ever be compared to is the best version of himself/herself.  The only basis of comparison you should have for yourself is the "you" that you want to be.

While I try to be pretty open about the struggles I face as a woman, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a writer, and a mom on this blog and on my personal facebook page, I am also very careful about what I talk about or portray about my children, husband, and family because their struggles are their own.  I try very carefully to only say things that I would say in front of them, if not now than in years to come.  Who knows how long my digital trail will last and it is my utmost desire to make sure that what my sons read when they are older about themselves through my eyes are all things that I would want them to know and hear.  Do we have tough moments?  Sure.  Do I have mean mom moments when I think ungenerous things about those I love? Absolutely.  Do I struggle with how much of my struggle to reveal?  You bet. I will never claim to be an absolutely open book when it comes to those I love or even myself on social media.  I will always present them in the same positive light that I want them to see themselves in.  I feel my words are powerful and I would never want a misplaced word to cause my sons or my husband or any one else I love to judge themselves harshly or to feel judged through my eyes.

I feel strongly that while our social media should probably be a representation of our "authentic" selves, it does not need to be a representation of every facet of us or every whim and emotion we experience and we certainly don't need to share every unflattering thing we know about our children or our partners!  Our "authentic" selves are the selves that are realistic, multi-dimensional and represent what we overall are like.  If we over share every mistake we make, we are not sharing our "authentic" selves because we are sharing mistakes that don't really define us or shouldn't really define us in our own minds or in the minds of others.  If we over share every success, we are not sharing our "authentic" selves because we are also only showing a small part of who we are.  I am perfectly comfortable meeting people where they want me to meet them.  I'd much rather know about people's accomplishments and joys so that I may celebrate with them and know only about the struggles they feel comfortable sharing with me than to have everyone know everything in a public space like social media.  If I wouldn't feel comfortable announcing something to the local paper or announcing it in the front yard, I probable wouldn't offer it up to social media because it is the virtual version of the same thing.  Just because giving everyone access to everything is one click away now does not mean that we have to share everything with everyone.  My facebook page represents an authentic version of me, but only my close friends and family know the complete "real" me warts and all.  I only share all of my struggles with those who love all of me. That's my policy.

What do you say?
Shawna

Guys and Dolls: How a Little Play Violence is Helping my Son be LessAgressive

"Oh, no, Michael!" CRASH! "Mama, my first son just slammed into the wall! He needs to make better choices! That's a bad consequence."

This is the kind of thing I've been hearing a lot since Christmas.  This is not how I originally envisioned my eldest playing with "Michael" a cloth boy doll with soft velvety material for skin and a wry half smile that my son loves, but, it seems to be very therapeutic for him and is shaping his behavior for the better so, I'm rolling with it for now!

I originally got Michael because my son kept talking about the ten sons he wants to adopt someday and support with his job as a photographer (no spouse necessary apparently and how they are going to all ride on the motorcycle he plans to drive is a mystery, but he's four so he has time to figure it out).   I also thought the doll would be handy for role playing now that our second son is crawling around and getting into all our eldest's toys and he's been frustrated by that.  I remember my mom using my dolls in a similar way and trying to substitute stuffed animals didn't seem to have the same results.  I also thought it could be a chance for him to practice the fathering skills that his father demonstrates daily and can take out some of the down time when daddy or mama has to stop games to change brother or soothe him; I thought maybe Michael's diaper could be changed at the same time.  (I remember vividly doing that kind of thing when I was four when my little brother needed attention.). Maybe Michael will get to fill those roles someday, but for now he's primarily a flying scape goat and occasional car violence victim or punching bag.

At first I found the level of violence horrifyingly fascinating. I wasn't sure how to react.  I decided to watch his "play" with Michael to find the "why and what purpose" the play was serving before I intervened with alternatives and the results were fascinating.  Most of my eldest's frustrations with his younger sibling became deflected on Michael.  If I said "pushing your brother down is not a good way to keep him from your toys," my eldest would simply push down Michael, or throw him, or hit him, or kick him before I could even get to asking about alternatives or suggesting alternative interactions with his brother.  Sometimes, the intensity of his anger was a bit scary.  However, after getting his aggression out with Michael, he was much better at suggesting and using alternative behaviors with his brother, so I let him continue.

This course of (in)action seems to be working because, on his own, the interactions with Michael have become less violent as his interactions with his brother improve by the use of new sibling strategies.  There are just days when Michael is in for it, but the important part is that my youngest is now much safer because my eldest is tempted less often to physically lash out at him.

While I still believe in trying to teach my son to use words to get his feelings out, Michael is helping me see that sometimes it may be too much to expect a four year old's language skills and understanding to be adequate enough to get out the intensity of the emotions he is feeling when he is feeling it.  An adult's primary way of playing through emotions may be to talk about it in conversation and tell what happened, but a child's primary way of working through emotions is to physically play it out and then talk about it later.  In fact, it seems like I was skipping an essential step in even understanding my son's emotions when I wanted him to role play "nicely" with me before he'd even had a chance to physically play out and understand the intensity of his anger and frustration. If we adults "need" to play violent video games, play basketball, call a friend or go for a hard run to work through intense stress and emotion, why wouldn't our children also need to do some intense activity to physically let out the stress of what they are working through?  Isn't it the same impulse?  Frustrations with a newly mobile sibling may seem like small potatoes to us, but that's just because it's not new or intense for us.  It is both for my eldest son.  Michael has helped as a tool to work through that.

Michael also gets to provide some wish fulfillment for my son.  While my eldest broke his arm trying to ride a laundry basket down the stairs just a week and a half before Christmas, Michael has made several unsuccessful and successful dare devil antics without getting hurt.  While my son has learned the hard way that he cannot climb furniture, ride down the stairs, or jump off rickety things, Michael gladly does it for him without injury.  This is particularly important because of the restricted activity my son is currently limited to because of his broken arm.  (Something else that must be supremely frustrating and might have been at the root of some of that anger that got taken out on Michael.)

I'd read in Lawrence Cohen's awesome book Playful Parenting that children work through their trauma and their feelings (especially negative feelings or uncomfortable emotions) through play because the fiction of play creates a safe space in which they can explore both the things they have experienced and that which they fear experiencing.  I think maybe Michael is a vehicle through which my son is doing some tough emotional work and if it keeps my eldest son happy and able to deal more positively with his brother and it means that he will never again scare the crap out of me by riding a laundry basket down the stairs, so be it!  

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

P.S. I'm still hoping to see those sweet, traditional doll play fathering moments, too . . . some day.

Domestic Violence in Your Community: Remembering Chris Keith

Recently, my community and the blogging community suffered the loss of a person I never even knew before she was gone. She wrote a blog "Confessions of a Thrifty Mama on a City 'Stead," homeschooled her children, went to church, and by all accounts was an amazing person who did her best to live sustainably and ecologically in tune with her family and her community.  As we seem to have friends in common, I am sorry I never got the chance to know her and now never will.  She was Chris Keith, a devoted mother, who was doing the best she could for her children and was struggling to divorce the father of her three youngest children and was killed by him Dec. 4.  (He also killed himself and Chris' eldest son, Isaac Miller, who was just 14, that night.)

Because I did not know her, I cannot speak to her specific story and what the details were of her life, but I feel compelled to share the facts of her death (and life) with you for two very specific reasons.  The first is to break some of the silence and isolation that empowers domestic violence to continue.    Our contributing author Amy has written bravely of her own story to that end and I want to share her story as well here.  It is not easy to leave and both Amy and Chris deserve recognition for their bravery in fighting to get out of their situations.  I'm not sure anyone knows the details of what Chris was going through this year as she left her husband, but the one silver lining to this tragedy is that while two innocent souls were tragically lost last week, the lives of her three youngest children (who were thankfully not home that night and were spending time with their grandparents who are now going to raise them) were quite possibly saved by her courageous decision to leave their clearly mentally unstable father.  While these children have been both orphaned and have suffered the loss of their elder brother in a single horrific incident, they are still very much alive and will keep the legacy of their mother's bravery and devotion with them.

This leads me to the second reason for me to share this story, the church where she used to attend has created a memorial fund for her and Isaac in order to benefit the three young children who have been left behind.  Obviously, their grandparents who are now planning to raise them, had no idea that they would be taking them in and need funds to fix their van, make their house work for three young children, and generally care for their grandchildren.  If you have not already allocated your charitable funds this holiday season, please consider giving to them.  The link is here.  It is not tax deductible because it is not going to the church or to a non-profit domestic violence charity (although both of those causes would probably benefit from some patronage as well), but to the family directly so that they can deal with the practicalities of surviving the loss of this brave, powerful woman and her son.

Also, if you know someone who is in a relationship that you suspect is abusive, please talk to them privately about it and offer your support (it may take several offers before she feels safe enough to confide in you).  This is the first step to helping her.  Here is a link to the national domestic violence hotline for more specific information and help with planning an exodus safely.  As Chris' story illustrates tragically, it is a life and death situation.

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Birth Matters: So Does Motherhood

 I believe in birth.  I believe that women's bodies were made to birth naturally and that most women, if left alone medically and supported emotionally, will birth and that experience will be both powerful and transforming.  I believe that birth matters for not just the mother and the baby, but also for the family unit as a whole.  I can attest that had I not been successful in my VBAC last march, I would have had a different kind of recovery and our bonding as a family would have been very different and might well have been more difficult, but difficult is not impossible.

You see, I've been reading a lot of different blogs and articles lately about the importance of your birth on the bonding process and the impact your birth can have on your child for life.  Whether its the physical trauma of a csection on the body of the mother and the baby or the stress put on the spine of an infant when misaligned for long periods before a vaginal birth or the emotional trauma of a long separation after surgery for a mother and child or the emotional impact of the use of pitocin during labor, there is no doubt that birth has the power to profoundly affect the developing relationship between a mother and child.  However, I don't think birth defines that relationship.  It is the start of the relationship and for a time it might set a tone for the relationship, but it is not the final word on your relationship.

I don't care how rocky the start might have been between you and your child, how many "mistakes" you think happened in your birth, how many interventions happened in your birth, or how traumatic your birth was for you and/or your baby, as long as you are both alive at the end of it, there is still hope.  After a birth, comes motherhood and the choices you make as a mother matter even more than the choices you made in birth.  Not just the choices you make with your newborn, but the choices you make with your toddler, preschooler, and even your teen.  What is dynamic and awe inspiring and humbling about motherhood is that it is completely based on the unique, idiosyncratic relationship you have with your child.  Just as your relationship keeps evolving, so, too does your mothering skills and what is even more inspiring beyond that is that it is never too late to change.  Even if your children are adults, your relationship with them is still important and although it gets tougher as they get older, your role as their parent is never not important and is still impactful.  If you doubt me, think about how strong your emotions are about your own parents whether you have good, strong relationships with them or not.  Ambiguity and ambivalence are not descriptors that are often used for the relationships between parents and children at any age for good reason; the depth of our emotions (positive or negative) prove how important and primary the relationship is to us all.

So, if you feel distant, take steps to get closer.  If you feel like you are not bonded, do some bonding activities.  If you made choices you now regret in your birth, in your newborn parenting, in your young child years parenting, or even last week, let your child know about your regrets.  Let them know that you want to make a new choice now and then make it.  Every beginning is just that, a beginning.  It isn't the whole story.  It's never too late to make a new start.  Birth matters the way every introduction matters, but it's not the end.  If it was adoption would never work and we all know that adoption does.  Beautifully.  Take heart, mama.  Make a new story for you and your child with the choice you make today.

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Five Reasons Why You Don't Want a "Good" Baby . . . at least not all the time!

Few things frustrate me more than being asked if I have a "good" baby. I know that most people are wondering if I have a baby who sleeps through the night/naps well, doesn't cry often, keeps himself entertained, etc. but it irks me that somehow my baby isn't "good" if he doesn't fit those parameters.  Especially since those traits may make a baby more convenient, but they have nothing to do with how "good" of a person that baby is.  Just because a baby might have more needs than another or is more expressive about those needs, it doesn't mean that baby is "bad." In fact, it just might be better to have a baby who is decidedly inconvenient and not "good."

1.  Babies who aren't "good" wake up a lot . . . and that makes them less vulnerable to SIDS.

Babies are designed to wake up often for good reason.  SIDS is actually related to a baby's inability to rouse easily or detect a build up of carbon dioxide in their blood.  Now, the general mainstream medical consensus is that babies are safest on their backs in their own beds, but other medical experts have suggested that babies may be safest when with co-sleeping with their sober, non-smoking mothers.  In fact, SIDS rates have continued to stay low despite a rise in safe co-sleeping.  This might have to do with the increase in breastfeeding rates among co-sleeping mothers as much as anything else, but the fact remains that while "good" babies might let their mothers have more uninterrupted sleep, babies who aren't so good (or aren't good all the time) actually demonstrate that they have a good arousal instinct and that is a definite positive!  Besides, there are sweet, snuggly times to be had when babies are awake, sleepily nursing, and snuggling with you that mamas of babies who sleep all the time, just don't get.

2.  Babies who aren't "good" cry a lot . . . and that means they are attached enough to want to communicate and believe that you will respond to their cries.

We all know people who are more verbal about what is going on with them than others.  Babies are just little people.  So, some of them will cry more than others because some of them just have more they want to say.  Some babies also just have more to communicate.  No matter how much or how little your baby cries at night or during the day, it is good because your baby is communicating (even if it doesn't seem that way at two a.m.).  The fact that your baby consistently is communicating with you about his or her needs is a positive thing.  It proves that your baby trusts you enough to tell you about what's going on with her/him.  By responding to your baby's cries, you are forming a trusting, attached relationship with your baby.  This might not mean your baby stops crying right away or that your baby cries less, but it does mean that your baby believes that you are going to respond to his or her needs.  When that baby grows up this will translate into words.  For example, my eldest baby cried a lot, and now, when he is sick, he still talks a lot.  He's just the kind of person who feels things very strongly and he needs to talk about his emotions to process them.  Because of the relationship we've been forming since his very first newborn baby cries, we have a very open communication line and I hope that honest communication continues for years to come.

3.  Babies who aren't "good" don't just lay/sit around and play with their toys . . . they are curious about their world and they want to explore it.

We've all had those moments when we've wanted to just put our babies down and have them keep themselves busy while we finish dinner/pick something up/whatever, and sometimes they may let us, but some babies mostly use that time to get into things, practice their crying communication with you, and generally cause a ruckus.  However, these are all good things!  A baby who isn't very interested in the world around them or who doesn't want to test that you will come running at least part of them time, is not a baby who is very interested in the outside world and that lack of curiosity probably isn't their best trait.  I imagine that if we could interview the mothers of most of the world's greatest inventors, innovators, and entrepreneurs, we would probably discover that as babies and small children they were incredibly curious and often got themselves into some scrapes because of it.  Whenever my sons are driving me crazy testing my communication line with them from the next room, I just remind myself that Pavlov's mother was probably his first and best test subject.

4.  Babies who aren't "good" don't stay in their car seats all the time; they insist on being held/worn and seeing the world from a higher level.

Risks of leaving your baby in their car seats frequently and shopping with your baby in his/her car seat aside, babies who are not kept in their car seats all the time actually tend to do a little better because they are held more often and get worn in a carrier.  In fact, God bless babies who aren't "good" all the time because they are the reason babywearing was invented and the benefits of babywearing are amazing.  From heart rate/physiological benefits for newborns to social interactions/connections with toddlers, your babies are made to be in your arms or worn and nothing but good comes from it . ..even if it seems inconvenient for you and what you want to get done at times.

5.  Babies who aren't "good" don't listen to what "they" tell you about parenting, they make you learn to listen to your heart and do more research.

You know who "they" are.  "They" are the ones who were asking you whether or not your baby was "good" to begin with.  "They" tell you you need to do XYZ to make your child into a convenient "good" baby or "they" will congratulate you when your baby doesn't cry or make a fuss, but give unsolicited advice when they do.  Babies who aren't "good" don't give a flying fruit what they say and if you let them, they will teach you not to care, either.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to examine who you are as a parent and as a person.  They teach you to make real connections to them and they become the catalyst for you to learn more about them, parenting, and yourself as a person.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to become better than you've ever been before and they teach you where your limitations are.

Babies who aren't "good" all the time are my favorite kind of babies!

Thank you for reading and kiss your "not good all the time" babies for me!
Shawna

Remembering Infertility: Honoring the Child of Your Heart

I'm not sure there is anything more frustrating than trying for a baby. . . especially in a culture that treats the decision to have a baby as some sort of given.  We are encouraged to "plan" our babies and to "try" when our lives are stable and all circumstances are perfectly ready.  So, we wait and we plan that pregnancy for the perfect time .  . . and then we learn that babies, even when planned, come in their own time (and sometimes not at all).  To have all our illusions of control over conception stripped away so thoroughly may be an excellent precursor of what motherhood is like at every stage, but that knowledge is little comfort when you are still trying to make the child of your heart and your dreams incarnate.   I have read about the Himba tribe in Namibia where a child's age is not counted from when the child is born, but from when his or her parents first decided they wanted a child.  So, a child who is ten years in the making is considered ten from the very day s/he was born.  Imagine going through your life knowing not just how long you've been on this earth, but also how much you are wanted and knowing what a struggle your parents had in conceiving you and how dedicated they were to you before you even officially existed.  Imagine those children who were hardest to conceive being the most recognized and celebrated in the community.  Imagine if our culture recognized that we do not all have such easy control of our fertility and we should celebrate those who labored the longest to have their children (however those children end up coming whether through biological, natural conception, fertility treatments, or adoption) by recognizing not only their achievement in getting a child but also their journey to getting that child (whether that child is their first, second, or even third or fifth).

Last month was Pregnancy/Infant Loss month and I saw many beautiful links going across my facebook feed and I am thrilled that a topic that was so taboo that it seemed like no one ever talked about it as recently as ten years ago, is suddenly getting the attention it deserves.  Yet, October was also Infertility Awareness Month and I saw very little about this topic and I've seen very little during its awareness week in April .  I get it; it's a little awkward to talk about it.  Unlike a lost pregnancy or an infant loss where the pain of the loss is easier for everyone to recognize (if not easier for people to talk about), the pain of the loss of the opportunity for life is a lot harder for people to grasp perhaps especially for those who have always gotten pregnant when they wanted to or even without wanting to.  So, I want to take a moment to recognize that the loss of the opportunity to have a baby cuts deeply every single month it happens and even if you aren't being public about your efforts to get pregnant, I want to take this moment to recognize you and to tell you that your journey is just as important as the journey of those who have gotten pregnant while you've been trying.  It seems like only yesterday it was me waiting for my period to restart (for over two years after having my first baby) and then crying in frustration every month there after as I waited for it to stop again proving that I was once again pregnant.  It did not take me as long to get pregnant as it does many other people, but it was long enough for me to fully appreciate and recognize the miracle that my second child is.  While many out there are still trying for their first child or their second child, I now have my youngest son in my arms.  I am forever grateful for that, but my good fortune does not blind me to the painful journey you are still on.  I want you to know that I see you, I recognize you, and I care about you and your journey.  It is my wish that every woman who currently has a child of her heart will also have a child in her arms one day and that child will understand exactly how wanted and blessed s/he is to have been wanted for so long before he/she was in your arms.

I just wanted to take this moment to let you know this.  So, if this is not the month, may it be next month and know that you are not alone.  There are thousands of women out there who struggle along with you.  Some of those women have talked very openly about their own struggles with infertility on this very blog (Kayce has written about this topic often in the past and Amy has written about her very painful journey).  Know that you ARE seen.  You ARE loved.  You ARE NOT failing. And you ARE a mother to a beautiful child of your heart.  I want to honor that and honor you.  May your journey end soon with a child in your arms.

Thanks for reading, 

Shawna