midnight snuggles

Gwen hasn't bedshared full time since she was still a baby. It just didn't work for us past infancy. But I love our morning snuggles when she comes to bed with us on the weekends. And sometimes I love the calls in the dark night.

Recently there was such a night. She was having trouble settling, so I squeezed in her little bed with her. She lay her face against my chest and we had warm snuggled under her soft fleece blanket. In that moment, I could see how people do it full time. In that moment there was no where else I could be but snuggled with my girl, warm and sweet. There was no where else I wanted to be, it just felt right, comforting, contented. She fell asleep quickly and deeply; and I lingered for a bit.

We've always done our best to respect her sleep needs, while making sure our needs are getting met as well. For people who NEVER thought they would bedshare, the bit that we did was a lovely surprise, and I don't begrudge its ending. But sometimes, in those moments, I wish it had lasted.

Attachment Parenting Throughout the Ages

The end of the year is a great time to reflect on what has been, but its also a great time to look ahead. Today, on this last day of 2012, I'm choosing to look years ahead. I was/am blessed to have a Mama that provides an amazing example of what AP can be long after the baby years. I wanted to share that forward perspective with all Connected Mom readers. Here's wishing you a beautiful 2013.

When someone mentions Attachment Parenting, the thing that pops into most people's minds first are breastfeeding, babywearing, and bedsharing. However, as Valerie has pointed out before... AP is more then just breasts, beds, and babyslings! You can do all of those things and not think of yourself as AP, or do none while proudly wearing the label. Not to mention, that while the years when those three things are even an option are fleeting, being AP is something most people can continue for the duration of your baby's childhood, and can even be carried over into the rest of your life. Basically, those particular actions are not the core of AP, nor are they the most lasting of its principles! I do all three, proudly wear the AP label, but see myself as an AP mom for the long haul, and not just until our boob, bed, and babysling days are over! Let's review the 8 principles*:


1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting

Become emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care. Continuously educate yourself about developmental stages of childhood, setting realistic expectations and remaining flexible.

At first glance, this principle seems to be a one time thing. However, the continuous education of the parent on developmental stages of childhood, and the setting of realistic expectations is an ongoing process that lasts through the child becoming an adult. It is one that is long lasting, and during those frustrating toddler... and teenage years!... is one that is so important for a peaceful household! 

2. Feed with Love and Respect

Breastfeeding is the optimal way to satisfy an infant's nutritional and emotional needs. "Bottle Nursing" adapts breastfeeding behaviors to bottle-feeding to help initiate a secure attachment. Follow the feeding cues for both infants and children, encouraging them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.

Ah-ha, you say! Here it is... breastfeeding! But read it again. Yes, "breast is best" but as long as you are feeding your child in a way that follows their cues, and is done in a way to deliver emotional sustenance along with physical nutrition, then feed the way that works best for your family! Once solid foods are introduced, continue to feed in a way that is best for your child, offering healthy options and demonstrating a healthy relationship with food. I think its easy to see how this one can last a lifetime. 

3. Respond with Sensitivity

Build the foundation of trust and empathy beginning in infancy. Tune in to what your child is communicating to you, then respond consistently and appropriately. Babies cannot be expected to self-soothe, they need calm, loving, empathetic parents to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Respond sensitively to a child who is hurting or expressing strong emotion, and share in their joy.

From the beginning we try to understand what our babies are trying to tell us. A newborn/infant has only its cry to tell us that it needs something. It is up to us to take the time to listen to them, and respond in a way that is comforting, and shows them they can trust us. They learn we are there for them by us being consistent, and they learn they can come to us with anything by us being sensitive to what they show us. As they get older, our responses grow and change with them, but the level of sensitivity we show should not diminish. Their anger, their fears, their joys, and their excitement... they are trusting us with these emotions, and we should react accordingly. 

One of my favorite quotes about responding to your child is from Catherine M. Wallace, and it says, "Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."

4. Use Nurturing Touch

Touch meets a baby's needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or babywearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.

Babywearing! There it is! But again, I'm sure you notice, it is a single word in a paragraph of ideas. So I'll just say this... Hug your babies. Hug them when they are newborns, hug them when they are toddlers, hug them when they are kids, and especially hug them when they are teenagers. Then, hug them when they are adults too. We all need affection in this form, don't be stingy with it, and don't hold it back as your babies become big kids.

5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

Babies and children have needs at night just as they do during the day; from hunger, loneliness, and fear, to feeling too hot or too cold. They rely on parents to soothe them and help them regulate their intense emotions. Sleep training techniques can have detrimental physiological and psychological effects. Safe co-sleeping has benefits to both babies and parents.

Bedsharing** can be so rewarding (when done safely!), co-sleeping has amazing benefits, but good sleep is is unique to ever family. Babies do great in the parent's room when they are new to this world, listening to your breathing, close at hand for easy soothing. Whether that is in your bed, in a co-sleeper or in a pack'n'play nearby. As your baby grows, their needs will change, but their need for you, during the night, might not. 

On a personal note, Gwen was not a great sleeper for a very long time. She bedshared with us for the first few months, then transitioned to her crib for most of the night followed by a few hours with us in the morning. We needed that transition, as much as I love sleeping next to my baby, we all (Gwen included) sleep BIG! Moving, and taking up a lot of room, and it was leading us all to get less then stellar sleep. But she transitioned easily. It was all going pretty well when we went away on vacation at 6 months and her sleep went straight to hell! We were told we had to sleep train her, or she would "never sleep through the night." I'm a firm believer that her need for me, her need for consistent loving response, does not end just because the sun goes down. So, we did not sleep train. I followed her lead, listened to her needs, and gave her gentle direction when the opportunity arose. She now sleeps very well, and she still enjoys an hour or so of sleep in the "big bed" in the mornings. 

Arguably, this is the shortest lasting of the principles. However its importance in the beginning is so big, and can be very long lasting. 

6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care

Babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. If it becomes necessary, choose an alternate caregiver who has formed a bond with the child and who cares for him in a way that strengthens the attachment relationship. Keep schedules flexible, and minimize stress and fear during short separations.

A scenario for you: Everyday you report to work at the same time, follow your same morning routine, take lunch at noon, follow your same afternoon routine, then clock out at 5. Yet some days your boss is full of praise for your work, and other days he screams at you for being lazy. You would start to dread work... not knowing what was waiting for you. But if you change that around, and replace that boss with one that reacted in a calm, consistent manner, providing constructive criticism as needed, well you would probably be a lot happier about reporting to work. You would know what was in store for you, and would even be able to take the admonishment in a much more positive way, and be more open to learning from it. 

Now obviously babies and toddlers do not offer the same consistency to us that you offered to your boss in that scenario; but ideally, we would all rather be boss #2 then boss #1! Be consistent in your actions towards your child, and when leaving them with someone else, be sure that they will be consistent with their care as well. As your toddler learns and grows, repetition and consistency are the key to encouraging them to grow in ways that work for everyone. This applies to every age though. If you child knows what to expect from you, there will be less need to push boundaries, or test limits (note I said less, not none!). While the practice of it evolves and changes, the principles stay the same. Act consistently, and act with love. 

7. Practice Positive Discipline

Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact.

This one is the most self explanatory when it comes to continuing throughout the stages of a child's life. This is also one that I find is the most of a "work in progress" for me. Whether you are dealing with a toddler or an equally rational teenager, show your child that they are not a lesser then member of the family, but a fully loved member. We teach our daughter respect, by modelling respect. That means explaining our reasons, understanding and empathizing with their disappointments, and encouraging natural consequences. We don't hit or berate our child, or tell her that she is bad, instead we teach that we all make mistakes, and that those mistakes have consequences, but we can learn from them together and come out closer. 

8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself. 

Once a week I head out to yoga. My husband does the nighttime routine without me, and Gwen is asleep before I get home. I love our nighttime routine, but I've come to love this night away from it too. It is time for me to stretch my body and mind, and recharge myself as a whole person, not just as Mama. The hugs I get the next morning let me know that I was missed, but the stories she tells me about what they ate for dinner and what books they read before bed let me know that they had a great time and it was okay that I went. The fact that I have more patience lets me know that it was more then okay that I went... it was a benefit to all of us. 

Finding balance doesn't mean you have to go out, but it does involve looking at what makes you tick as a person outside of your attachments to your little ones, and making time for those passions. This is a principle that applies whether you are AP or not, whether you are a parent or not! Everyone needs to find balance in their life, fulfillment in multiple areas, and it is something that can be so hard to come by. But especially when you are working to pour so much of yourself into your babies, it is essential to find time to refuel. 


Gwen is getting bigger and bigger everyday. We already babywear less and less, now only pulling the Mei Tai or the wraps out for things like hiking or long walks with a tired girl. Breastfeeding is only 2x a day now, and sometimes even less then that, and I know that soon enough she won't need that anymore. But I am an AP Mama now, and an AP Mama I'll remain. When she is 5, or 15, or 25, I will still seek to parent Gwen in a gentle way that respects her individuality and adjusts to her current stage of development.



* As taken from Attachment Parenting International.
**  Rachelle gave a great overview of the difference between bedsharing and cosleeping, here.

Letters to Gwenivere

The first year of my daughter's life I wrote her letters monthly. It was something I wanted to do for her, as well as for myself, a reminder of all the things she was doing that sometimes didn't get written about in the day-to-day posts. During her second and now third years of life, I wrote/am writing her letters every 3 months, a "quarterly review" of sorts. I've also taken her picture with the same stuffed dog each time, an easy way to watch her grow. The full collection of letters is HERE, but I wanted to post my most recent one (33 months) for you guys after Valerie's recent post.

 ***

Dear Gwenivere,
I don't know why or how this turned into such a big couple of months for you, but I feel like you really turned the corner from a 2 year old to an almost 3 year old. Everything is bigger now... you, your actions, your attitude!

Sometimes you have days when you are such a big kid. You'll sleep until a great time, wake up smiling, eat well, think about questions we ask you and answer thoughtfully, say no thank you and yes please, etc. You had a day like that recently where for dinner you sat there and chomped on ribs, eating the meat right off the bone. I looked at you and though, "My God... I birthed a real human." I mean one that's going to turn into an adult some day. An adult that eats ribs like a pro.

Other days, you still need a little more help to get through. You come a sleep for a bit in our bed in the morning, then need some extra snuggles while getting ready, and the day ends with an I'm too tire to cope meltdown. Normally over something like how many orange slices are in your bowl, or the color of your utensils. Those days are trying for all of us.

We're working on it though. Working on using words to describe our feelings instead of just yelling or whining. We're working on things like being more cooperative when getting ready for bed, so that we can do more fun things before bed. Its always going to be a work in progress, but we're doing it together.

These past few months you've spent a lot of time with your Daddy. Mama has had a number of nights I had to work late, so you guys had "slumber parties." Daddy reads you some books, then lets you fall asleep on the futon, or falls asleep with you on the futon, depending on how long of a day its been for him! We also had our first weekend apart. It was a great weekend for Mama, I needed the special time with my friends, but boy oh boy did I miss you! You are my girl, and it was hard to be away from you. You and Daddy did great though, and I think you guys have gotten a lot closer because of it.

Sometimes its hard for me to watch you grow so quickly. About a month ago, you came home from daycare and handed me your necklace. The one you've been wearing for 2 years, since you were 8 months old. You had asked them to take it off at daycare, you didn't feel like wearing it... and you haven't worn it since. Maybe you will wear it again, maybe not, but that felt like some kind of milestone for me.

We have a little routine we go through every other week or so, when I say to you what a big girl you are becoming, and you agree with me very excitedly... but then I ask you, "But you're still always going to be my baby, right?!" And you always agree with that just as enthusiastically.  ::phew::

I'll let you in on a little secret: No matter what your answer to that question, no matter what age you are when you read this, you really will always be my baby. 

Love you silly goosey,
Mommy

Ps. At 33 months you are just over 23 lbs (at least on the home scale). You must be going through a growth spurt because you want to eat. all. the. time! Your favorite veggies are green beans and peas, favorite fruit is oranges, and you love chicken and "meat" (what you call steak). You are a dark meat girl like your Mama, so I can't wait to give you a drumstick on Thanksgiving! You still nurse most nights and a lot of mornings, but do fine if I'm not there to nurse you.

You love your blankie, and rotate through a few stuffed animals and baby dolls. You love the colors blue and purple, and also have an affinity for orange. You love football, but the marching band maybe a little bit more. You love watching Elmo in the morning, and your favorite books are Olivia and Drummer Hoff. If we say, "Is everybody ready?" you respond with, "Shake a Leg!"  Home, by Edward Sharpe and the Magnificent Zeros, is now "your song," and you ask for it all the time. You love music in general though and will randomly start singing a myriad of songs randomly throughout the day. Dominic is still your best buddy at school.

As of now, you've decided you want your birthday party to be construction themed because of your love of cranes and all construction vehicles, but diggers especially! We'll see what you think in another month or two!

Intuition

When you read natural birth books, when you learn about a natural lifestyle, a lot of people talk about intuition, and how you should go with your gut.

Unless it is going the opposite way they would.

Having most of our lives on the internet can lead to a lot of issues.  People thinking you should have done things differently, being judged for things you choose for yourself and your family.  By going with your intuition, you will get steamrolled if others don't agree.

We tell women to follow their intuition with their pregnancy and birth all the time.  To find what information they need, to do what they need to do in their pregnancy to protect themselves and their babies.  And yet, when they do this an end up with an outcome that we think was wrong, like an induction or cesarean, we judge.

When a family chooses to bedshare or cosleep with their child because they feel it is the right thing to do, the natural community is so excited.  But when they move their child to another room, or let their child cry (when they are obviously just going to cry anyway and old enough to not be at the age where they don't understand), we judge.

Intuition goes both ways.  It can be anything from something like knowing you're pregnant before you are, to knowing that you are going to lose your baby before you actually do.  It can be planning a very hands off homebirth to being in labor and knowing that something is wrong and a transfer is necessary before any signs show.  It can be keeping your child close or letting them sleep alone when they are old enough.

Intuition is at the very core of being a mother.  You know your child better than anyone.  For most, you grew that baby, you birthed that baby, you nurtured that baby.  They are forever part of you.

We need to stop judging so heavily because we think they are doing something wrong.  Just because you think would do it differently (though in reality you have no idea why they are actually choosing what they are) doesn't mean it is okay to slam another family.

We need to learn that everything has two sides.  Intuition has two sides.  The side where things are good and the side where they are bad.  That's how life works.

We need to learn patience and acceptance of other families, of other mothers.  Mom wars get us all nowhere.  It turns people off to what we are trying to do.  You can't yell at someone that they are doing it wrong and at the same time hope they will listen and learn something.

It will forever be the one in the crowd speaking in soft tones full of patience and love that people will listen to.  The one yelling will have them turn away.

Be patient.  Be with others how you would want them to be with you and your children.  And in the end, go with your own gut regardless of what others say.

My Experience with Cosleeping and Occasional Bedsharing

When my son was born I didn't know much about cosleeping or bedsharing. In fact they were terms that I was unfamiliar with. I knew people who slept in the same room with their babies as well as others who slept in the same bed with their babies. I just never associated a term with either practice and, I never thought much of it. It was one of those things that some parents do and others don't. It didn't seem like a major decision to me. My mom tried cosleeping with some of her children and found that she and the baby slept more soundly when sleeping in separate rooms and relying on a baby monitor. After hearing her experience, I decided to skip the bassinet in my bedroom and just put my son in a crib in his own room. I know. I can't believe I ever felt that way either.

(Just so we're on the same page: Cosleeping and Bedsharing are two separate terms. Cosleeping is sleeping in the same room as your child. Bedsharing is sleeping in the same bed as your child. Bedsharing is always considered cosleeping since you are obviously in the same room if you are in the same bed. Cosleeping is the broader term that includes bedsharing, but also sleeping on separate beds in the same room.)

When my son was born we didn't have completely ideal living arrangements. We lived with my parents. It's wasn't the best arrangement but we were grateful to have it. My parents cleared out the bedroom right next to the one we were staying in and converted it into a nursery for our son. We had a crib in there but also a twin sized bed that my parents had no room for anywhere else. That twin bed ended up being the place I slept the most often as well as being the place I breastfed my son the most often. I ended up cosleeping most nights for the first year or so of my son's life. I had a baby monitor, but it was easier to sleep in my son's room with him and not wake up my husband who worked very early in the mornings.

My sister-in-law has a daughter 6 months older than my son and has had wonderful success with bedsharing. After hearing how much easier nighttime feedings were and how much she enjoyed snuggling with her daughter all night long, I decided to try it. I didn't sleep at all. I was so worried I would smother my son with blankets or roll over on top of him. I was mostly worried that my husband who is a violent sleeper would elbow his precious face or something of the sort. I tried it on several occasions with a similar result. I was so stressed about protecting my son that I didn't get any sleep. When my son had a mild case of RSV as an infant, I had to hold him in an upright position all night long. (He slept on my chest while I was propped up with pillows in a reclining type position) This was definitely an opportunity to keep trying the whole bedsharing thing, but despite bedsharing for 2 weeks straight, I never seemed to manage getting any sleep. I gave up on bedsharing and decided it just wasn't for me.

So despite thinking I wouldn't sleep well if I coslept, I still ended up cosleeping (sleeping on the twin bed in my son's room) the majority of the time during the first year of my son's life. When we moved out of my parents house and into our own place, our son was about 18 months old and started climbing out of his crib. We made the switch to a toddler bed and he LOVED sleeping in his big boy bed and also loved his own room. He never asked us to stay in his room with him and he also never asked or tried to come into our room. He slept in his own room by himself and enjoyed it. We didn't shut him in. We slept with the doors open and he had every opportunity to join us in our room, but never chose to do so.

Fast forward 2 years and now that I have a 3 and 1/2 year old, he only wants to sleep in our room. This all started when my husband got a new job and started working nights a few times a week. I initiated the bedsharing and told him that since Dad was gone, he could sleep in my bed with me. My son told me no! I couldn't believe it. My first night in years having my husband gone all night and I was going to have to sleep alone. I was finally able to talk my son into just laying in my bed to read bedtime stories and he decided bedsharing might be fun and that he would stay. We both discovered that we quite like bedsharing! Now that he is older, I don't have the same worries I had when he was a newborn. I especially love snuggling in the mornings before getting out of bed. It's the best way to start your day.

Since that time, my son has decided he likes sleeping in my bed. We bedshare quite often. He also discovered that he doesn't like sharing the bed when it's too crowded (when Dad is home) and prefers sleeping on a crib mattress placed on the floor in our room on those nights. I am constantly surprised with the changes that take place in my life as my child grows. I never thought I would start bedsharing at 3 years old. I also never realized how much I could love it! Now most nights, my son sleeps in our room with us. He either sleeps in our bed with me when Dad's not home, or sleeps on his own little bed in our room. He has started to prefer that and honestly, so have we. The only downside is that my husband doesn't get to experience the bedsharing part. He has a few times, but when my husband is home, my son prefers to have a bit more space and wants to sleep in his own bed (next to ours).

I know there will be a time when he decides that he prefers his own bed and his own room, but in the grand scheme of things, that day will come all too soon. I'm going to cherish my bedsharing days while I still can. When he decides he wants to sleep in his own room, it will be his decision. Until then, he is always welcome in our room, and in our bed.

Bedsharing Past Infancy

Cosleeping and Bedsharing can be two very different animals.  Cosleeping doesn't have to be bedsharing but bedsharing is always cosleeping.

The best place for a baby to sleep is either in the same bed (bedsharing) or same room (cosleeping) as the mother.  Having spent 9-10 months inside their mother, near their warmth, breathing, and heartbeat, it can be a very rough transition to be away from that.  Listening and feeling the mother's breathing and heartbeat regulates the baby's heartbeat and breathing, lowers the risk of SIDS, helps establish a better breastfeeding on demand relationship, and can help both of you sleep better at night.

I started bedsharing with my daughter when she was 2 weeks old.  We really tried to have her in the crib because that is what "normal" parents did, and eventually I couldn't take the lack of sleep and the crying any longer.  I pulled her into bed with my husband and me and never looked back.

My daughter turns four next month and we still bedshare most of the time.  Last summer, when I was was pregnant with our son, she had just started sleeping in her own room, which was her own choice, and when I started having issues with my pregnancy, she came back with us.  When we lost the baby, I kept putting off getting her back to her own bed.  None of us were interested in her leaving.  She was a huge comfort when we needed her most.

Now that she is almost four, she wants to be her in own bed again, but doesn't want to leave our room.  So, we have a compromise.  Her mattress is on the floor right next to our bed, and she has free reign on which bed she wants to sleep in at night.  Some nights she will sleep in her bed all night, others she comes into our bed in the middle of the night, and nights which are fewer and fewer she sleeps all night with us all night.

Many would tell me that she is dependent on us to sleep, and it makes me laugh.  The truth is, it is the opposite!  Because of our losses and things that we have been through, I feel like I need her close more than she needs me close.  Loss changes a person, whether it's a baby, your sister, mother, father, cousin.  It changes it your perspective on life, and since our losses, my mind goes to places that make me uncomfortable.  I worry all the time about losing my daughter.  Having her in the same room with me, even if it isn't the same bed all the time, comforts me.  I think she knows that and hasn't chosen to go back to her own room because of it.

Many families have different reasons for bedsharing or cosleeping past infancy, one of the more popular ones in the natural community is that they are still nursing.  Just because your child is older than a year or two or three doesn't mean they have to be in their own bed in their own room, and that's okay.

The benefits of cosleeping and bedsharing don't end at a certain time.  It is the same as nursing.  Your child doesn't magically become "too old" to stay in your room or your bed.  Every family feels that age differently.  Some stop wanting to sleep with their children when they start to flail around at night as inevitably all toddlers do, others like their children to be out of their bed by the time they eat solid foods.  Still more don't like to have their children with them at all.

Cosleeping and bedsharing both have amazing benefits, but again, it's a choice for your family.  If your family chooses either of those, it is good to know that you can choose when to stop.  My daughter is so independent and strong, and personally I feel that knowing I am still just an arm's reach away helps that.  I think that growing up with that comfort helped her to feel more confident in herself.  She isn't going to always need me just because she is still in our bed sometimes.  She isn't going to be terrified to go to her own room when she is ready.  She won't be in our bed forever like some believe.

You can keep your child in your room and your bed even if you aren't nursing any longer.  You can keep them in your room when they talk and walk and are their own person.

There isn't an age where it is unacceptable.  This is your family.  Make the choices you need to make to raise happy, healthy, independent children.  For us, that is keeping her in our room just for peace of mind, though I know that those days are slowly coming to a close.

Bed Sharing Past Infancy

Co sleeping looks different for every family who practices it. The term co sleeping encompasses many arrangements from baby`s own bed in the same room as his parents to sharing a family bed with parents and even siblings. In my house we bed share. our sleeping arrangements evolve and change from stage to stage, but bed sharing has always been at the centre.

In the beginning, the family bed was just my son Oliver and I. My husband, convinced of the safety and benefits of bed sharing with an infant supported it whole heatedly, but was uncomfortable sleeping next to such a tiny infant himself. This arrangement was fine with me, with the intensity & frequency of Oliver's night nursing, it was easier for me to switch sides every few hours with the bed to ourselves. 

As Oliver grew bigger, and my husband became more comfortable with the idea of sharing the family bed he started napping with us on weekends and then eventually joined us full time. I LOVE this arrangement. I love night waking to see both my guys sleeping peacefully in front of me, I love the way their sleep noises sound like a long & quiet conversation; a sigh answering a grunt which answered a hum. I love that I've never woken for the day to a crying baby, just big blinking eyes & toothy smiles, and my husband's apologetic grin because he didn't mean to wake us getting ready for work. I even love the WAY we sleep; when my husband and I lay on our sides facing each other with our legs curled up towards the centre of the bed, the negative space between our bodies, the place where our baby sleeps, is almost womb shaped.

Even now that our baby is now a toddler, we still fall asleep this way. All love and smiles and quiet contentment (Most nights anyways). But it should be said that co sleeping with a toddler is a whole different animal. Most nights we end up turned away and protecting our sensitive areas and vital organs from the onslaught of sleeping toddler thrashing.
 

But you know what? I STILL love it. I love that many nights Oliver and his father end up holding hands in their sleep. I love that I get to spend all night so close to my son now that most of his days are spent running and climbing and just generally being too busy to be held. I love that my husband has the family bed to look forward to at the end of a long day, to bond & reconnect with us after being gone for work. 

While we have plans to introduce a secondary sleeping surface for occasional/part time use, I don't see our family bed breaking up anytime soon. While there is a bit of a space issue in our queen sized bed with two adults and a toddler, there really is nothing wrong with our sleeping arrangements. 

Just like breastfeeding, the benefits of the family bed don't disappear after infancy. Emotionally, by sharing sleep with Oliver we are still fostering the kind of connection and attachment that is at the center of our parenting philosophy. Physically our continued breastfeeding relationship is strengthened by our proximity to each other during the night, and the quiet 'sips' of milk Oliver takes from me throughout the night have many healthy benefits. 

Will Oliver be in our bed until he's a teenager if I continue on like this? Probably not. Will he forever lack the ability to 'self sooth'? I doubt it. Will my husband resent me for continuing to bring our toddler to bed with us? Not at all likely. 

Co sleeping looks different for every family who practices it. In our family we share a bed, we are happy with this arrangement and we don't plan to change it any time  soon.

Busting Common Pregnancy and New Mommy Myths

Photo credit: Dizznboon (Flickr)

Take it easy!
Perhaps you've heard you're in a delicate condition, you aren't. You're pregnant not sick!  While some of your activities may need to change and you may encounter different challenges at different points in your pregnancy, you can take it normal.  If you exercise, try to keep it up and switch to different activities to meet your changing body's needs like giving up the elliptical for swimming.  If you don't regularly exercise, an evening walk is a great way to keep connected with your partner and reduce your risk of complications like gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia.  When sitting try to stay in a good position and avoid always lounging with your feet up during your last trimester to encourage optimal fetal positioning.

You're eating for two!
This justification usually results in an extra slice of cake not more carrots.  Listen to your body's cues and eat healthful snacks throughout the day like cottage cheese, nuts, or a boiled egg. You should eat to satisfy and while it's okay to indulge a bit, try to meet your dietary needs with whole foods not sweets and junk food which can help prevent blood pressure and glucose complications.

Birth classes are pointless
Many people who tell you this have only attended the classes offered by the hospital.  Those classes often offer more info on procedures than techniques for birthing.  Consider attended a childbirth education class utilizing the HypnoBabies, Bradley or Birthing from Within methods.  These classes will help you learn coping techniques and other labor positions.  Sidenote: As an ICAN leader, a lot of women tell me they don't pay attention during the c-section info because they were planning a natural birth.  With the c-section rate over 32%, it is wise to know what to expect, especially since having that info can help you AVOID a c-section!

Photo credit: futurestreet (Flickr)

You should only gain X amount
I'm always shocked, and a bit disgusted, when a women says her doctor will only let her gain 10-15 lbs.  While it can be easy to put on more weight than seems healthy by modern obstetric guidelines, if you are following a healthful diet and staying active, weight gain should not be restricted to a predetermined amount regardless of your size.  Your body knows what it needs to grow this baby.  Offer it healthy food and activity and you'll gain the amount right for you.



You will become a sex fiend/you won't allow your husband to touch you
Truth is that hormones are different for everyone.  You might jump your partner every night or it may be a long nine months.  Sex can be beneficial during this last trimester in preparing your body for birth.  Even if it sounds a bit hard, give it a try.  It may take some adjustment, but as with any time in your life, the more sex you have, the more sex you have.

You'll feel great after the first trimester
For a lot of women as the placenta takes over hormone production, morning sickness and fatigue fade at the end of the first trimester but there's no concrete rule.  If you are still suffering talk with you midwife or physician about dietary and lifestyle changes that could help.

I bet you're ready to have that baby
Let go of your due date, baby is going to come when he's ready and don't rush him!  Believe it or not, you're going to miss those final days of blissful pregnancy - the tiny kicks and rolls, the beauty of your blossoming belly, the special bond between you and your unborn child.  Don't let people pressure you to rush your pregnancy, enjoy it and nurture it.  Baby will be here before you know it.

You'll never sleep again
You will.  In fact, if you're like most of us you'll be up every hour for the last month of your pregnancy peeing anyway!  The first few weeks do require more time awake feeding and changing diapers, but you won't feel like you're missing anything holding that baby!  Co-sleeping and breastfeeding will help reduce the amount of time you spend awake in the night and attachment parenting can help by reducing baby's fussy periods, leading to more restful sleep!

Swelling is normal
I still remember my OB laughing off my tree trunk ankles when I came in for a third trimester appointment as "pregnancy."  Swelling is one of the first signs of pre-eclampsia and other conditions.  Increasing the protein in your diet and getting enough water will help keep swelling away and reduce your risk of pre-eclampsia.  If you notice swelling, eat a steak dinner and some watermelon or grapes to help flush it through your system.  Nutrition can have a direct influence on this "common" pregnancy issue.

Photo credit: Raphael Goetter (Flickr)

Breastfeeding is hard/easy/too much work/awesome
Breastfeeding is an art.  Have moral support, be prepared to nurse frequently on demand, and realize it gets easier!  Don't romanticize breastfeeding or fear it.  It's a natural process that takes some skill.  Get involved with LLL before birth, have the number of a good Lactation Consultant handy, and ask for help if you need it. Like with any art, other breastfeeding moms are there to help you master it!

Just do it: Bedsharing and Sex

Photo credit: Fabrizio Salvetti

It's pretty obvious I'm a fan of the family bed if you read this site. Now I've talked about safety, breastfeeding, the psychological bonuses, etc, but there's one topic that I get a lot of whispered, flustered questions about: sex.


Fair warning this post will talk about sex in frank and often humorous ways. It's pretty PG-13, but if you don't like to talk about sex or don't want to think about Josh and I playing hide the sausage, see ya tomorrow!


Ok, now that my mom has been warned, let's get down to business.


I've been given laundry lists of reasons why bedsharing is a bad idea. I've been told it doesn't teach baby how to sleep. I've been told it's dangerous. I've been told I'll never get my kids out of my bed, but more than anything I've been told it will ruin my marriage.


Now other than wondering how having happy, well-rested kids will ever hurt my marriage, I have a feeling this is really about SEX.


But nowadays, what isn't?


My mother warned me that having a baby in bed meant I couldn't keep my husband happy. Ignoring all the anti-feminist sentiments there, let's focus on what she was really saying: you can't have sex if you bedshare.


I have living proof that she's wrong sleeping on my lap.


Sex is the glue of some relationships, the perk of others, and the cherry to some. The first thing we have to accept is there is no average amount or set location for sex for couples. If you think that's a lie, you have bigger things to worry about than bedsharing. I'm as guilty as anyone. After 5 years of marriage and over a 12 year relationship, I sometimes hear someone talking about nightly sex and get jealous. Seriously? Nightly?! Have they discovered the Fountain of Teenage Sex somewhere? Draw me a map. But then someone admits they do it once a month and I feel better.


We have sex about twice a week. I'm averaging that out. Some weeks it's zip, others it's 3 or 4 times. The point is we have sex, and we bedshare full-time.


How?


Well, we aren't very sexually-repressed so that helps and we aren't constrained by the idea of appropriate times and places to have sex. We rarely have sex at night in bed. We might grab a quickie while our kids are playing in the living room. The key to this is to wait until your toddler is thoroughly engrossed in a game or to pop in a favorite movie. The baby goes in the exersaucer. It gives us about ten-fifteen minutes. After 12 years, we can get to the point in ten minutes :) Or we sneak into the bathroom, laundry room - you get the idea. Our toddler goes to bed in his own room and often joins us later in the night, and I can lay the baby down to sleep in the bed or in her swing if we want more than 10 minutes or if the mood strikes.


The point is we have sex. When we have a dry spell, it has nothing to do with bedsharing. It's usually the result of money issues, work schedules, illness, this blog - but not bedsharing. As Rachel of Free Childhood notes good-naturedly, bedsharing didn't kill her sex life: "That would be exhaustion from toddler parenting and pregnancy." Wendy of ABCs and Garden Peas says having a new baby is more likely to have an effect on your sex life, but she thinks bedsharing actually helps it: "I think bedsharing can make for a satisfied, fulfilled mom, and that kind of mom is more likely to have a healthy libido."

Photo credit: Ed Wolstenholme

How to have great sex life as your relationship grows, as you add kids and stress and work and life is a whole different issue. My suggestion? Take a look at what's really keeping you from having sex. Don't get so caught up in the "right" time to have sex, and take the time to initiate (even if you don't really feel like it). Let's face it, moms, a lot of us just get too caught up in everyday stresses and responsibilities to find the time or energy to want to have sex. The great thing about sex, though, is that it usually winds up changing your mind about wanting it pretty quickly.


Oh, and when your mom asks you how you will ever have sex with your husband if there are kids in your bed, tell her what I told my mom, "Mom, not everyone has sex....at night...in bed."

Sleeping Safe and (Psychologically) Sound

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

Bedsharing is an ancient concept. Still practiced all over the world, bed sharing has become a subject of controversy in the United States. Often the debate centers around the safety issues regarding bed sharing (if you would like to read more on safe sleep practices, click here). While this is important, the real danger every child encounters during the night is psychological.

Modern developmental psychology is based on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, a simple structured look at what needs must be met to move forward in development created by Abraham Maslow in the 1940s.

Maslow believed that human growth and development occurred through building upon a basic foundation of met physiological needs.  All lower-order needs (physiological and security) must be met before higher-order needs (self-esteem and self-actualization) can be achieved.  If a person achieves a higher-order need and then loses a basic need, they can revert back in their development.

Infants require their two lowest-order needs to be met for them.  They must be provided with food, shelter, care, and safety to grow physically and develop psychologically.  However too many parents are pressured into practices which compromise an infant's ability to achieve these foundations.  Popular practices like cry it out and bedding baby in an isolated nursery can undermine development, creating developmental hang-ups that can lead to difficulties forming attachments or decrease self-esteem.  The entire attitude surrounding infant care focuses on meeting basic physiological needs with too little attention paid to the psychological needs of the child.  At baby showers, mothers are given clothing, blankets, and diapers to meet the physical needs of the child and then are bombarded with well-intentioned advice regarding sleep and scheduling of infants.  The question every new parent is asked repeatedly - how's baby sleeping? - presumes all parents to be desperate to achieve pre-infant sleep.  We are preoccupied with infant sleep, and yet, American attitudes toward sleep ignore the very foundations of healthy psychological development.

Rather than considering the psychological and emotional needs of infants, there is push toward sleep training in the United States.   Parents become obsessed with baby sleeping through the night often allowing an infant to cry it out, or employing the Ferber method or Babywise.  Recent research has shown that allowing an infant to cry it out can hamper brain development, because during intense crying the infant's brain releases Cortisol, a stress hormone, that interferes with normal development (BBC).  Therefore an infant who is left to cry in an isolated room, in an effort to be trained, is at risk of brain damage from the overload of toxic chemicals.  Parents are often told that these practices are for the best because an infant must learn how to sleep and self-soothe.  Infants do not need to learn how to sleep.  A child that is tired enough will always sleep.  Allowing them to cry it out only teaches them that they are alone and their need for safety and security is not being met.  The infant does not learn from the experience, rather their psychological and emotional development is stunted as only their basic survival needs are met.  They wear themselves down until they are only capable of sleep.

The focus on sleeping through the night also prevents the infant from meeting the basic need of food.  Recent disturbing developments in infant formula manufacturing boast advances in slowing the digestion of formula and thus allowing for deeper, longer periods of sleep.  An infant is not physiologically programmed to go 10-12 hours between feedings.  The need for an infant to eat every few hours is likely a survival mechanism.  SIDS has been linked to deeper sleep in infants and some researchers believe an infant's metabolism is designed to wake the child frequently to prevent long periods of deep sleep, which could prove dangerous to infants still learning to regulate their breathing patterns.  An infant left to sleep on their own is therefore in survival mode, attempting to meet his or her most basic needs.

Many attachment parents subscribe to the philosophy of "nine months in, nine months out," the premise of which is that human babies are born considerably underdeveloped due to the reproductive design of the human female.  Therefore infants require more sleep, feeding, and care before significant physical milestones are met.  Rather than rushing infants towards crawling or walking, infants are fed on demand, carried close to the mother or father, and allowed to sleep with their mother.  These principals allow the infant to develop in a nurturing, healthy environment.

Nowhere are the principals more important than in the area of infant sleep.  Since a considerable amount of a baby's day is spent sleeping, allowing the child to fulfill this basic need while meeting the secondary need of safety and security allows for optimal emotional and psychological development.  Parents can meet this need by bedding close to baby.

Breastfeeding mothers are uniquely in tune with their infants during the night and can safely co-sleep as long as safety measures are met, see link above.  This arrangement allows the infant to feel the warmth of their mother, nurse easily, and have their needs responded to quickly. In my experience, a slight startle is easily calmed by my child reaching and feeling me next to her.  We both are aware of the momentary waking but not disturbed and easily drift back to sleep.  For more info on breastfeeding and bedsharing, I recommend the work of Dr. James McKenna at Notre Dame's Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory.

Mothers who do not breastfeed, as well as fathers and other caregivers, can share their infant's sleep by using a co-sleeper or a bassinet placed near the bed.  This allows them to quickly reach out to a startled infant or pick the child up for a feeding.

By rethinking the predominant attitudes regarding infant sleep, we are able to better meet our children's developmental needs.  The first step is to change our perspective from training, convenience, and accepted social norms, and instead view sleep as a precious, fleeting opportunity to nurture our children during the most vital stage of their development.

Recommended reading:
The Family Bed, Tine Thevenin (excerpt here)
Safe Co-Sleeping, Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory.

Milwaukee's Fox 6 News has a Surprising Take on Bedsharing

Watch this first:
http://www.fox6now.com/news/witi-100503-bed-sharing,0,7099533.story

This video makes a couple of great points.
1) The "official" stance on bedsharing, shared by many health agencies, to discourage what they see as a dangerous habit does not fit every family.
2)  Breastfeeding is the key component to safe bed sharing.

Dr. Sears, a renowned pediatrician and practitioner of Attachment Parenting, makes these recommendations for safe sleep:

• Use an Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper® Bassinet. An alternative to sleeping with baby in your bed is the Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper®. This crib-like bed fits safely and snuggly adjacent to parent's bed. The co-sleeper® arrangement gives parents and baby their own separate sleeping spaces yet, keeps baby within arm's reach for easy nighttime care. To learn more about the Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper® Bassinet visit www.armsreach.com.
• Take precautions to prevent baby from rolling out of bed, even though it is unlikely when baby is sleeping next to mother. Like heat-seeking missiles, babies automatically gravitate toward a warm body. Yet, to be safe, place baby between mother and a guardrail or push the mattress flush against the wall and position baby between mother and the wall. Guardrails enclosed with plastic mesh are safer than those with slats, which can entrap baby's limbs or head. Be sure the guardrail is flush against the mattress so there is no crevice that baby could sink into.
• Place baby adjacent to mother, rather than between mother and father. Mothers we have interviewed on the subject of sharing sleep feel they are so physically and mentally aware of their baby's presence even while sleeping, that it's extremely unlikely they would roll over onto their baby. Some fathers, on the other hand, may not enjoy the same sensitivity of baby's presence while asleep; so it is possible they might roll over on or throw out an arm onto baby. After a few months of sleep-sharing, most dads seem to develop a keen awareness of their baby's presence.
• Place baby to sleep on his back.
• Use a large bed, preferably a queen-size or king-size. A king-size bed may wind up being your most useful piece of "baby furniture." If you only have a cozy double bed, use the money that you would ordinarily spend on a fancy crib and other less necessary baby furniture and treat yourselves to a safe and comfortable king-size bed.
• Some parents and babies sleep better if baby is still in touching and hearing distance, but not in the same bed. For them, a bedside co-sleeper is a safe option.

Here are some things to avoid:

• Do not sleep with your baby if:
  
  
  1. You are under the influence of any drug (such as alcohol or tranquilizing medications) that diminishes your sensitivity to your baby's presence. If you are drunk or drugged, these chemicals lessen your arousability from sleep.
  2. You are extremely obese. Obesity itself may cause sleep apnea in the mother, in addition to the smothering danger of pendulous breasts and large fat rolls.
  3. You are exhausted from sleep deprivation. This lessens your awareness of your baby and your arousability from sleep.
  4. You are breastfeeding a baby on a cushiony surface, such as a waterbed or couch. An exhausted mother could fall asleep breastfeeding and roll over on the baby.
  5. You are the child's baby-sitter. A baby-sitter's awareness and arousability is unlikely to be as acute as a mother's.
• Don't allow older siblings to sleep with a baby under nine months. Sleeping children do not have the same awareness of tiny babies as do parents, and too small or too crowded a bed space is an unsafe sleeping arrangement for a tiny baby.
• Don't fall asleep with baby on a couch. Baby may get wedged between the back of the couch and the larger person's body, or baby's head may become buried in cushion crevices or soft cushions.
• Do not sleep with baby on a free-floating, wavy waterbed or similar "sinky" surface in which baby could suffocate.
• Don't overheat or overbundle baby. Be particularly aware of overbundling if baby is sleeping with a parent. Other warm bodies are an added heat source.
• Don't wear lingerie with string ties longer than eight inches. Ditto for dangling jewelry. Baby may get caught in these entrapments.
• Avoid pungent hair sprays, deodorants, and perfumes. Not only will these camouflage the natural maternal smells that baby is used to and attracted to, but foreign odors may irritate and clog baby's tiny nasal passages. Reserve these enticements for sleeping alone with your spouse.

Parents should use common sense when sharing sleep. Anything that could cause you to sleep more soundly than usual or that alters your sleep patterns can affect your baby's safety. Nearly all the highly suspected (but seldom proven) cases of fatal "overlying" I could find in the literature could have been avoided if parents had observed common sense sleeping practices.  Source: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp