Attachment Parenting Throughout the Ages

The end of the year is a great time to reflect on what has been, but its also a great time to look ahead. Today, on this last day of 2012, I'm choosing to look years ahead. I was/am blessed to have a Mama that provides an amazing example of what AP can be long after the baby years. I wanted to share that forward perspective with all Connected Mom readers. Here's wishing you a beautiful 2013.

When someone mentions Attachment Parenting, the thing that pops into most people's minds first are breastfeeding, babywearing, and bedsharing. However, as Valerie has pointed out before... AP is more then just breasts, beds, and babyslings! You can do all of those things and not think of yourself as AP, or do none while proudly wearing the label. Not to mention, that while the years when those three things are even an option are fleeting, being AP is something most people can continue for the duration of your baby's childhood, and can even be carried over into the rest of your life. Basically, those particular actions are not the core of AP, nor are they the most lasting of its principles! I do all three, proudly wear the AP label, but see myself as an AP mom for the long haul, and not just until our boob, bed, and babysling days are over! Let's review the 8 principles*:


1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting

Become emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care. Continuously educate yourself about developmental stages of childhood, setting realistic expectations and remaining flexible.

At first glance, this principle seems to be a one time thing. However, the continuous education of the parent on developmental stages of childhood, and the setting of realistic expectations is an ongoing process that lasts through the child becoming an adult. It is one that is long lasting, and during those frustrating toddler... and teenage years!... is one that is so important for a peaceful household! 

2. Feed with Love and Respect

Breastfeeding is the optimal way to satisfy an infant's nutritional and emotional needs. "Bottle Nursing" adapts breastfeeding behaviors to bottle-feeding to help initiate a secure attachment. Follow the feeding cues for both infants and children, encouraging them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.

Ah-ha, you say! Here it is... breastfeeding! But read it again. Yes, "breast is best" but as long as you are feeding your child in a way that follows their cues, and is done in a way to deliver emotional sustenance along with physical nutrition, then feed the way that works best for your family! Once solid foods are introduced, continue to feed in a way that is best for your child, offering healthy options and demonstrating a healthy relationship with food. I think its easy to see how this one can last a lifetime. 

3. Respond with Sensitivity

Build the foundation of trust and empathy beginning in infancy. Tune in to what your child is communicating to you, then respond consistently and appropriately. Babies cannot be expected to self-soothe, they need calm, loving, empathetic parents to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Respond sensitively to a child who is hurting or expressing strong emotion, and share in their joy.

From the beginning we try to understand what our babies are trying to tell us. A newborn/infant has only its cry to tell us that it needs something. It is up to us to take the time to listen to them, and respond in a way that is comforting, and shows them they can trust us. They learn we are there for them by us being consistent, and they learn they can come to us with anything by us being sensitive to what they show us. As they get older, our responses grow and change with them, but the level of sensitivity we show should not diminish. Their anger, their fears, their joys, and their excitement... they are trusting us with these emotions, and we should react accordingly. 

One of my favorite quotes about responding to your child is from Catherine M. Wallace, and it says, "Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."

4. Use Nurturing Touch

Touch meets a baby's needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or babywearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.

Babywearing! There it is! But again, I'm sure you notice, it is a single word in a paragraph of ideas. So I'll just say this... Hug your babies. Hug them when they are newborns, hug them when they are toddlers, hug them when they are kids, and especially hug them when they are teenagers. Then, hug them when they are adults too. We all need affection in this form, don't be stingy with it, and don't hold it back as your babies become big kids.

5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

Babies and children have needs at night just as they do during the day; from hunger, loneliness, and fear, to feeling too hot or too cold. They rely on parents to soothe them and help them regulate their intense emotions. Sleep training techniques can have detrimental physiological and psychological effects. Safe co-sleeping has benefits to both babies and parents.

Bedsharing** can be so rewarding (when done safely!), co-sleeping has amazing benefits, but good sleep is is unique to ever family. Babies do great in the parent's room when they are new to this world, listening to your breathing, close at hand for easy soothing. Whether that is in your bed, in a co-sleeper or in a pack'n'play nearby. As your baby grows, their needs will change, but their need for you, during the night, might not. 

On a personal note, Gwen was not a great sleeper for a very long time. She bedshared with us for the first few months, then transitioned to her crib for most of the night followed by a few hours with us in the morning. We needed that transition, as much as I love sleeping next to my baby, we all (Gwen included) sleep BIG! Moving, and taking up a lot of room, and it was leading us all to get less then stellar sleep. But she transitioned easily. It was all going pretty well when we went away on vacation at 6 months and her sleep went straight to hell! We were told we had to sleep train her, or she would "never sleep through the night." I'm a firm believer that her need for me, her need for consistent loving response, does not end just because the sun goes down. So, we did not sleep train. I followed her lead, listened to her needs, and gave her gentle direction when the opportunity arose. She now sleeps very well, and she still enjoys an hour or so of sleep in the "big bed" in the mornings. 

Arguably, this is the shortest lasting of the principles. However its importance in the beginning is so big, and can be very long lasting. 

6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care

Babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. If it becomes necessary, choose an alternate caregiver who has formed a bond with the child and who cares for him in a way that strengthens the attachment relationship. Keep schedules flexible, and minimize stress and fear during short separations.

A scenario for you: Everyday you report to work at the same time, follow your same morning routine, take lunch at noon, follow your same afternoon routine, then clock out at 5. Yet some days your boss is full of praise for your work, and other days he screams at you for being lazy. You would start to dread work... not knowing what was waiting for you. But if you change that around, and replace that boss with one that reacted in a calm, consistent manner, providing constructive criticism as needed, well you would probably be a lot happier about reporting to work. You would know what was in store for you, and would even be able to take the admonishment in a much more positive way, and be more open to learning from it. 

Now obviously babies and toddlers do not offer the same consistency to us that you offered to your boss in that scenario; but ideally, we would all rather be boss #2 then boss #1! Be consistent in your actions towards your child, and when leaving them with someone else, be sure that they will be consistent with their care as well. As your toddler learns and grows, repetition and consistency are the key to encouraging them to grow in ways that work for everyone. This applies to every age though. If you child knows what to expect from you, there will be less need to push boundaries, or test limits (note I said less, not none!). While the practice of it evolves and changes, the principles stay the same. Act consistently, and act with love. 

7. Practice Positive Discipline

Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact.

This one is the most self explanatory when it comes to continuing throughout the stages of a child's life. This is also one that I find is the most of a "work in progress" for me. Whether you are dealing with a toddler or an equally rational teenager, show your child that they are not a lesser then member of the family, but a fully loved member. We teach our daughter respect, by modelling respect. That means explaining our reasons, understanding and empathizing with their disappointments, and encouraging natural consequences. We don't hit or berate our child, or tell her that she is bad, instead we teach that we all make mistakes, and that those mistakes have consequences, but we can learn from them together and come out closer. 

8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself. 

Once a week I head out to yoga. My husband does the nighttime routine without me, and Gwen is asleep before I get home. I love our nighttime routine, but I've come to love this night away from it too. It is time for me to stretch my body and mind, and recharge myself as a whole person, not just as Mama. The hugs I get the next morning let me know that I was missed, but the stories she tells me about what they ate for dinner and what books they read before bed let me know that they had a great time and it was okay that I went. The fact that I have more patience lets me know that it was more then okay that I went... it was a benefit to all of us. 

Finding balance doesn't mean you have to go out, but it does involve looking at what makes you tick as a person outside of your attachments to your little ones, and making time for those passions. This is a principle that applies whether you are AP or not, whether you are a parent or not! Everyone needs to find balance in their life, fulfillment in multiple areas, and it is something that can be so hard to come by. But especially when you are working to pour so much of yourself into your babies, it is essential to find time to refuel. 


Gwen is getting bigger and bigger everyday. We already babywear less and less, now only pulling the Mei Tai or the wraps out for things like hiking or long walks with a tired girl. Breastfeeding is only 2x a day now, and sometimes even less then that, and I know that soon enough she won't need that anymore. But I am an AP Mama now, and an AP Mama I'll remain. When she is 5, or 15, or 25, I will still seek to parent Gwen in a gentle way that respects her individuality and adjusts to her current stage of development.



* As taken from Attachment Parenting International.
**  Rachelle gave a great overview of the difference between bedsharing and cosleeping, here.

Open Letter To Mainstream Media

Dear Mainstream Media;

I am not being oppressed by my parenting style. Thanks for your concern but you are missing a key piece of the story. You see; I am not solely responsible for building and maintaining my child's sense of attachment.

If I were I would most certainly find the weight of such a responsibility oppressive; I may even find the idea of shouldering that responsibility impossible. I may laugh or rage or otherwise dismiss it entirely. Instead I embrace the piece of mind that comes of following my child's cues with my heart and my instinct because I don't have to do it alone.

My son has a secure emotional attachment to me. My son is also attached to his father. He is attached to his grandparents. He is attached to his aunt and his uncle. He is attached to his other caretakers who all accept that they have a role to play in meeting his needs. He trusts these people to meet his needs because, though we have all made mistakes, he knows we have never failed to love him. I trust these people because, while mistakes are always a part of life and relationships, they have never failed to love me.

He has a village. I have a village. We have a village of people who love us, who trust us as much as we trust them, and who support us in every way they can without question or condition.

This kind of community is so rare in the culture we currently live in that it seems you can’t even imagine what it is like. You feed us images of strong women with headlines designed to imply competition, you feed the resulting public take down of strong women by releasing article after article about her body and her dress, you debate my status and power within my community on daytime talk shows, you create within the public awareness the illusion of ‘good mom’ and ‘bad mom’ and pit them against each other.

Your point is quite clear; if you can’t parent this way you aren’t enough, if you can you are either oppressed or an extremist. In your sphere there is no win for any woman. The point you are missing is all the ways our culture is failing our children, is failing women, and men, failing families. The story you are missing is how we could be doing more to support all families to make choices based on what they feel is right and not what is necessary to measure up to your standards.   

Attachment parenting isn't about mothers. It's about families and it's about community. By continually dismissing and denying the roll that other family and community members have to play in attachment parenting and child rearing in general it is you who are adding unneeded shame, guilt and stress onto women. 

Please stop.

Sincerely;

Julian: Feminist & Attachment Parent

Raising Children Who Love The Earth

I worry about my son's future. 

I don't tend to be a big worrier. I have only so much mind to use from minute to minute and for the most part I can find infinitely better things to do with it then worry. The comment I hear most from others about myself as a parent is that I am 'so relaxed', and whether it's meant as a compliment or not I tend to take it as one. 

But never the less I worry about my son's future, and I am sure I am not alone in this. The fact is that every time I see a TV commercial for Kleenex brand disposable hand towels, or a news story like the continuing effect of the gulf oil spill, and every time I throw out my food waste because we haven't yet figured out a good way to compost from our apartment, I am overcome with a sense of fear and hopelessness about the future of this planet. A future that belongs to my son, and to your children as well. 

When I think about the continued UNsustainability of the world and culture that we live in, I start to worry.

I can hope to teach my child earth friendly habits like energy conservation, repairing, reusing and recycling, and eating whole foods found locally whenever possible, or any of the hundreds of other small ways my family chooses to lessen our effect on the environment.

But how do I fight back against the 'more, more, more, 'instant, convenient, disposable' mentality of the culture that we live in as it finds newer and more creative ways to push its way into my child's mind? How do I raise a child who has love and compassion for the earth and the good sense to know the difference between sustainable solutions and a marketing ploy? More importantly, how do I raise a child who, given the choice between easy and right, will do the right thing for himself, his community, and the world around him?

I want to try and model all of these things to my child as he grows. I am not sure exactly how, but I believe teaching is a process which is born from relationships of trust and respect. There will be many lessons taught between us, him to me and me to him. But I want to also create an environment where these lessons come naturally, where questions that lead to discussions which lead to learning and problem solving can happen organically. How do I do that in a culture so far removed from the natural world?

The obvious answer to these questions is to spend time out doors. Almost everyone I've talked to about these worries of mine is confident that a few hours a week at the neighborhood park and some precious memories of camping or sailing or hiking or fishing will be enough to raise children who are passionate about nature and protecting it.  

I am not convinced that that is all there is to it.  Lots of people spent time outside as children but don't 'have time' to recycle, don't care where their food is coming from so long as it's convenient, who buy SUVs only to drive them alone and in city for their daily commute.  For every advocate who credits childhood camping trips with their love for nature, there is an oil loving climate change denier with the same experiences and none of the compassion. 

It is true that our children are spending far less time enjoying the great outdoors then many of us did as children, and far more time plugged into various devices. I am certainly not denying the importance of getting them out there, it's a huge part of the equation, but it's not the final answer. 

So what is? How do we encourage our children to love and respect nature AND have the passion to protect it?

My kid doesn't have to grow up to be a revolutionary. I mean, that would be really rad if that's what he wanted, but my aim isn't to groom one necessarily. I just want to raise a connected person who is mindful of his place in the world and how his actions effect the world around him. I want to raise a curious person, who questions what he sees and what cannot be seen and approaches global issues with compassion. 

I am just not sure HOW to do that!

 

 

A Year In The Making

It's that time again, where we are forced to sit down and reflect on the year. This year I reflect not only because we are entering 2011, but also because Holliday will turn 1 on January 4.

I truly cannot tell you how quickly this year has flown by for me. It seems like just yesterday I was huge and pregnant, whining about how I wish this baby would make his appearance. Bouncing on an exercise ball in attempts to lure him out. Promising him handsome gifts if he would just be done already. After an unsuccessful VBAC, a legitimate emergency c-section brought my baby, Holliday, into the world. He was big, beautiful and healthy.

Over the course of the year we have climbed mountains. We worked through postpartum depression, feelings of inadequacy, breastfeeding challenges, hospital stays away from my boys, finding our groove as a family of four, poop showers, pee baths and serious sleep issues. We made it!

Almost a year later, Holliday is a big, happy, brilliant, incredibly cute, funny, loving little boy. He has a smile that can make grown men weak in the knees. He is cuddly and affectionate. He knows how to make his older brother laugh.... and cry. He's strong willed and stubborn. He is both a mama and daddy's boy. He is particular in what he wants and likes. He is amazing. Truly amazing.

I never in a million years ever thought I would be a mom. I didn't think it was something I wanted. I was perfectly content living a care free lifestyle with my husband. Things change and people grow, thankfully. I can't imagine my life without these boys.

Hours of rocking, burping, nursing and soothing. Sniffing his fuzzy hair. Smooching his warm, chubby cheeks. Playfully biting his pudgy hands. Pinching his beefy thighs. Battles on the change table. Hearing his contagious laugh. Having him kick his wonky, sweaty, salt tasting feet up to my mouth for kisses. I have enjoyed so many incredible moments watching this little man grow. My heart swells with love and joy when I think of how lucky I am to have him. He has made me grow not only as a mother, but a person. He taught me great patience and understanding, things I desperately needed to work on. I truly believe he was sent to me for a reason. He has brought so many laughs, tears and WTH moments to our lives. I wouldn't change one thing; not one.

Thank you for the great ride, Holliday. It has been absolutely amazing. I feel privileged to watch you as you grow and blossom into an impressive little man. I love your everything.

Happy Birthday Holliday!

Reflections

I am admittedly a sentimental soul. I cry over what many think are silly things. I put away clothes that are too small for the boys, I cry. I watch my boys develop a new skill, I cry. I cry a lot.

I watched a movie the other night that put things into perspective for me. This man, a widow, realizing just how grown his children are. Adults with their own lives, jobs and families. He awkwardly trying to find his place within each setting, and flashing back to when they were small. It hit me. One day my sons will be strong, independent men. I won't be their main object of affection. One day, they will go to school, move away, meet their better half, and although they will love me and need me, they won't be under my constant radar.

As I sit here completely sleep deprived after waking at 4:30 AM with Holliday, I have been reminded yet again to embrace every frazzled, exhausted, crabby, poop filled second of my life as it is today. Enjoy all 37 "nack" requests each day. That tantruming two year old that is wailing in my ear as he demands a hug, will one day be an ornery teenager who refuses to acknowledge me in public. My itty bitty who insists on using me as his pacifier in the middle of the night, will far too soon be a tantruming 2 year old. Everyone tells you that time flies. It does, but I think it really sinks in when you have kids, and you watch your babies grow before your eyes. Somehow my son, who I could have swore was just in the womb causing bacon cravings, is 2 days away from being 8 months old. Time has flown!

I guess it kind of comes back to that thing I'm not good with; change. Every day leads to a degree of change. Each day our children branch off that much more. Each day they become more independent and rely on us less. In my 2 plus years of being a mom, I can say that for me, it doesn't get easier to accept. If I could hit the rewind button and live it all over again, I would. I feel a strange sense of panic when I really think ahead to when my sons will be men. I won't know what to do with myself when I have enough time to do my hair and make up in one sitting. I will feel lonely when I take a shower without my oldest giving me an anatomy lesson.

Children are precious, that is no secret. They teach us so much about ourselves and often force us to grow as adults. We need to remember that although we so look forward to bedtime each evening, it just means we are that much closer to tomorrows change.