memories of Mama

A mommy who plays in the snow!

One day, I remind Gwen, she will be a grown up. Its weird to her that she would ever live anywhere other then with us, its weird to me too! But I think she started to understand it more when she suddenly realized that I have a Mommy and Daddy too, and I don't live with them. A-ha!

I think about those days, and what she will remember of this time in our lives. A time that often feels too full of the mundane, with not nearly enough excitement. I had to have my own a-ha moment when I think about what my fondest and most common memories are of my childhood. Yes, I remember that school trip to Disney, but I don't think of it often. The memories that I think of the simple ones: My mom making me noodle soup. My dad reading to me while we waited for the bus in the morning. Playing in the woods behind our house. Lots and lots of time spent talking with my Mom.

Sometimes its so easy to get stuck on the idea that bigger is better when it comes to the special, fun things we offer to our kids. And these extra special things have their worth. We are excited for our trip to Disney for her birthday next month! But while Sesame Place was fun, and the zoo was exciting, I know that in the end its the repetition of "small" acts that will stick with her. Family dinners, where we all get a turn to talk. Back rubs and quiet singing at bedtime. Getting bundled up to play in the snow.

Those are the things I want her to remember anyway. I don't want her to childhood to be a wash of so many big things, I don't want her to think I always got what I wanted. I want her to think: everyday my parents took the time to listen to me, I know that my voice and feelings were important, and my parents loved to be with me.

milestones and reconnecting

This past weekend, Gwen had a bit of an adventure. For the first time she slept away from home without her father or me, her very first sleepover. Trav and I had a wedding to attend, and as it was very close to her grandparents' house, the easiest thing for all of us was to have Gwen sleep there. She was so excited for a sleepover with her Nonnie; Trav and I were so excited for a fun night together, and a chance for a bit of sleeping in!

It was surreal, driving away from my parents place. My preschooler was a baby just yesterday, and here she is, having her first sleep away. It was only for a night, but it was a milestone nonetheless.

Now, we are starting our week of vacation. Today is the beginning of our 3 days of camping, something I am so looking forward to. Life gets so busy and hectic sometimes. Its so easy to get caught up in the routine of the everyday, and let it all just slip by. We wake up, we get ready, we're off to school and work, we come home, make dinner, have bath time half the days, maybe have time for a brief play or some yoga, then its time to get ready for bed. A few precious hours of sleep and its time to do it all again. We get as much together time in there as possible, liberally sprinkle all waking hours with hugs and kisses and I love yous, but it isn't enough sometimes.

I'm so looking forward to the next 3-days as a way to relax and reconnect as a family. 3 days of enjoying nature, being outside (which we all love), hiking, cooking over a campfire, without the normal interruptions of school/work, chores, or technology. There will be no laundry, no dishes, no vacuuming. There will be no TV, no videos, no kindle, no computer. The iPhone will be there, but turned off in the car, in case of emergency only. We will sleep side-by-side, in our sleeping bags, under the moonlight. We will listen to the sound of the woods, and the rushing of waterfalls. We will make our fingers gooey with s'mores, then rinse them in the stream. We will hike until we are tired and sore, looking at all the beauty that the environment displays to us, then sleep deeply, satisfied. We will do it all together, without the normal distractions from each other.

Gwen is growing and changing everyday. I know these times are fleeting. This chance to reconnect is so cherished.

How do you reconnect when you feel like daily life is getting too distracting?

it takes a village

My husband, daughter, and I went to visit with my parents last month as a belated celebration for my dad's birthday, mother's day, and an early celebration of the husband's birthday. It was a great visit and it reminded me of the truth behind the old adage, that it takes a village to raise a child. I am so lucky that my parents are an active and vital part of that village.

My mom has been Gwen's babysitter since she was born, and it makes me feel so at ease to know that she's in such safe, loving hands. Her Papa is one of her favorite people ever.

But your village doesn't have to be blood. We are also so lucky to have amazing neighbors, who treat us like their own kids/grandkids. Gwen is so fond of Mr. Joe and Ms. Sue, and its amazingly freeing to know that they are there in a pinch.

Our best friends, too, are there as loving, gently adults in her life. Its a blessing to have so many people that truly love Gwen, and who treat her with respect and care.

Who's in your village?

An Open Letter to Grandparents who Wonder Why Their Grandkids are being Raised Differently

Dear Mom and Dad,
We see it, you kow. The exasperated look you get when we ask you to do things differently with your grandchildren than you did with us. We see the pain in your eyes even as we give our reasons for why we make different choices than you did. We don't mean to hurt you. You have to know that upfront. Just because we decide to do things differently than you did, it does not mean that we are judging what you did as "wrong." We are just trying to do what we think is right based on the research we have done. We all understand that we survived and thrived with your parenting choices. We give you credit for all the love and care you took in raising us. We understand that you did the best you could with us and that you only wanted our lives to be better than the ones you had. It's because we share this same dream for our children (your grandchildren) that we are striving to do the best we can, too. Sometimes, that means making choices that you didn't make, approaching food or discipline/consequences in a way you didn't, and making different medical or bottlefeeding/breastfeeding choices than you did. None of these differences are even about you; they are more about us. In fact, it is because you did such a good job of teaching us to be ourselves that we are making different parenting choices.

(I'm going to say this like I'm an authority which is laughable because I've only been parenting for almost four years now, but . . . ) The relationships between parents and children, probably more than any other relationships, except maybe romantic relationships/partnerships, are all varied and unique. No two are completely alike and so much of them are based on who you are and who you want to be and who the child is and who s/he wants to be that it would be impossible for us to be exactly like you even if we tried! In short, you parent as you are. Just like you know us and can read our facial expressions like a book (and we can read you!), we can read our children and our children read us. As much as they are "like" us; they are not "us" and they have different needs that we are trying our best to address. You taught us to trust our instincts and to know how to build strong relationships with those we love and we are just using those skills! Our individual choices in how to build those relationships may be different from the choices you made, but we are just transferring, transforming, and building upon the lessons you taught us.

You also did an amazing job teaching us not only to recognize who we are, but also who we want to be. I know that my parenting choices are just as much about who I am as who I want to be. I don't like who I am and what it does to my relationship with my child to be yelling, screaming, and losing my temper all the time. That's why we try so hard to talk through what we are feeling. We each have a dream of being a person who can remain calm in nearly any circumstance and who doesn't lose our tempers even in the face of our children losing theirs. Maybe that means that we overwhelm our children with too many words and choices too early, maybe that means that we don't always make the right choices ourselves, and maybe that means that we sometimes exasperate both our children and you, but it also means that we are learning and practicing. Just as you supported our dreams of being a ballerina/firefighter/detective/actor/superhero/writer/zoo-keeper/rock star/professional athelete, we need you to support our dream of the parent we want to be. It's important to us, way more important than any choice of career could be, because we see how much our relationships with you matter to us and have always mattered to us.

I'm going to let you in on a secret, now, that is not really a secret. We still look up to you and want to be the kind of people you can be proud of. We still crave your support. Think of the parenting phase of our lives as just one more "phase" that you are raising us through. It's another example of us going through a transition of growing and learning, but unlike many of the earlier phases, this is a phase where we need your support and your distance simultaneously. When we make mistakes, we know it and we will fix them when we know we need to. Our children are very good at letting us know when we need to readjust boundaries. (Sound familiar?) So, even if you think you see disaster coming, you have to let us disccover it on our own. Parenting our own children is a little like learning to walk was; I know you want to save us from falling, but it's only through falling that we will learn our balance and, sometimes, we just might surprise you by not falling at all. We only ask that you listen when our hearts are breaking and you try to do what you can to provide consistancy for our children. This may mean doing things that may seem unfamiliar or uncomfortable for you. Please understand that we are not trying to "push your limits or your buttons" any more than we were trying to do it when we were children ourselves. We are just trying to understand our own.

When it comes down to it, individual choices like when to administer medication, vaccinations vs. natural immunity, cloth diapering vs. paper diapering, time outs vs. time ins, what constitutes good snack foods or a healthy diet, baby wearing vs. using swings, co-sleeping vs. crib sleeping etc. are all pretty small differences that just FEEL big. At the root of every parenting choice you made and every choice we make is love: our love of ourselves, our love of our children, and our love of our parents. That love doesn't change from generation to generation. We are only trying to do the best we can just as you did the best you can. We respect that about the way you parented us. We only ask that you respect that about how we parent out kids.

With all due respect and love,
Your Weird Choice Making Kids who now Have Kids of their Own

P.S. If it helps, please know that more often than we care to admit to you, we do parent just like you, and, often, we don't mind the resemblance.

Six Things to Do While You Wait to Give Birth in the Final Weeks of Your Pregnancy

So, babies come on their own schedule and this baby seems to have a plan completely different than his/her brother did. You see, this baby has already been in an entire week longer than my son was. Also, this time, my body seems to have learned its lesson on having no pre-labor and just trying to do everything at once and, this time, seems content to do lots of prodromal or pre-labor. (As a matter of fact, for the last three days, my body has decided to work on labor for about an hour or two every night at about the same time and then just decides "that's enough for the night" and quits.) I know that this baby already has a birth date in mind for him/herself, and that it is very important for the health of the baby and the success of my VBAC to allow this baby to come to fruition in his/her own time, but, in the meantime, I'm left with a lot of waiting that I didn't have to do with my first child and I have to come up with ways to spend it that won't (A) overtax me because I could go into labor any day now, (B) won't cause ongoing stress if I were to go into labor any day now (so no "big projects" that would have to lay around messing up the house for months while I have a newborn and no time to finish them), and (C) still allow me to do the things I need to do to keep the house stocked and ready for that moment when the baby does come. All this is in addition to ignoring the well meaning prods from people I know about why I can't just have that baby already and trying to keep my sense of humor intact as the baby grows ever larger, my body grows ever more tired, and I become ever more uncomfortable and feel less and less like doing anything. If you are in this same boat with me, I present this list of things to do while you wait in the final weeks with both sincerity and humor. Just keep reminding yourself that all babies come out . . . eventually!

1. Indulge in Your Favorite Hobbies.
Whether this is your first baby or not, it's sometimes hard to fathom the amount of "me" time that you will no longer have once you are caring for a newborn. An avid reader, pre-first child, I could not fathom that there would be days when the only time I would have available to me to read might be the two minutes in which I brushed my teeth at night while my husband held our son. There are days when a five minute shower is a luxury that must be fought for and must serve as your "alone" time for the entire day. I imagine this must be doubly true when it is not your first child you bring home, but your second (or third, fourth, fifth, etc.). So, spend these unexpected days of waiting indulging yourself a little. I've been embroidering and sewing a lot because it took me nearly a year after the birth of my first baby before I was able to embroider anything again. This time it may take longer. Might as well tackle the little projects that would ordinarily get put off!

2. Let Yourself Be a Little Lazy
This is one I'm really struggling with because I really want to have the house in good shape when the baby comes so that when I have to let it slide, it won't have as far to slide backwards. However, that said, I've been earnestly trying to let myself spend the day sitting if I feel way too tired or I've been trying to limit the amound of crazy cleaning/shopping/etc. I do on days that I have lots of pre-labor going on because I know that I have the marathon of labor in front of me and I want to be in top physical shape for it. So, when I feel I need to sleep/nap/rest I figure that I should because labor will wear me out and the more energy and strength I can bring into it, the better shape I will be in on the other side of it.

3.Eat Your Favorite Foods
I have terrible pregnancy reflux right now and am eating dairy free, so I can only do this within reason, but I've learned to look at every meal as if it is my last. I don't necessarily indulge myself by letting myself always have the fatty, sugary treats I might want, but I do make for myself my favorite protein rich, nutrient rich meals like spinach and sundried tomato omelets or homemade dairy free chicken pot pie, or even let myself eat out once in awhile. Those first few months after I have the baby, I know that we will mostly be eating the meals I have pre-frozen for us, but for now I look at each meal as my possible last meal before I go into labor. Why skimp and eat crap if I know that I could need whatever energy I get from that meal to carry me through who knows how many hours or even days of labor? My last labor I found that after the first ten hours or so, I just found it impossible to make myself eat anything, so in case that happens again, I'm trying to be very kind to myself right now. Besides, if this baby likes to nurse like my last one did (at every meal time), these may be the last warm meals I have for the next year or so!

4.Amuse Yourself by Considering Giving Honest Answers when People Ask "How are you doing?"
Okay, so maybe this is just my private hobby, but I sometimes get some good giggles by considering actually answering the cashier who notices the strange look on my face as I get a strong contraction as I'm checking out at the grocery store with an honest answer. "Ow, my uterus!" or "I'm okay. Just my cervix hurting as it ripens a little at a time." or "Everything's okay. I was just determining if I was really going into labor or not and trying to see if my water was breaking." The internal monologue of a very pregnant, "due" woman is not something that most of the world is ready to hear about, but it makes me laugh to think of telling them anyway just to see their reaction.

5.Read a Book/Watch a Movie About Climbing a Mountain or Some Other Inspiring Feat
Currently, I am reading a book about George Mallory (the climber who attempted to climb Mt. Everest three times between 1915 and 1924 and whose body was found on Mt. Everest in 1999 who may or may not have been the first to reach the peak, but there's no evidence as to whether or not he actually made it on his last attempt). Why I like doing this right before I know I'm going into labor is two-fold. One, it's entertaining and it reminds me that there is a world outside of whether or not I am going into labor today and two, I get a kick out of thinking about the challenges people put in front of themselves to conquer and the passion and the lengths they will go to in order to reach their goal. (I consider my VBAC my own, personal Everest.) This is especially true for men, in particular. I really wonder if Mallory would have been so intent to climb all those mountains if he had just been born a woman and could realize the challenge and satisfaction to be had in giving birth! Maybe he still would have needed mountains to climb, but maybe not!

6. Spend a Little Extra Time Enjoying Your Life

A new baby is a new beginning for your entire family, but it is also an ending. Something I wasn't really prepared for when I had my first baby was the way I would miss and mourn my former life. As much as I was ready to be a mother and desperately wanted that chapter of our lives to begin, life with my son irrevocably changed our life as a couple. There were growing pains on both sides and sometimes it was quite a struggle to see where "we" had gone. I am better prepared this time to understand that whatever amazingly good that may happen in the next few hours/days/weeks, I will also have to say good-bye to the life I love that consists of just my husband, my son, and me. So, I'm trying to soak up the bittersweet hours where it's easy to find time to wrap both arms around my (currently) only child and spend a little extra time looking at and talking with my husband before there are two little voices to drown him out (temporarily, but still!). I'm trying to enjoy outings that are much simpler without all the paraphenalia a newborn entails and with only one nap a day to plan around. I know that having another child is abosolutely the right thing for us and is everything we want to have happen any day now, but I also want (this time) to recognize, enjoy, and savor the final joyful days of being a family of three. I know that these days will seem like simpler times when our fourth arrives. It's a little like enjoying the last days of summer before moving on to the next grade of school. Sure, you are excited about what the next year will bring and you want to see the challenges you know that you are ready for, but it does feel good to sleep in those final days (or sleep at all in the case of impending newborn motherhood!).

Thanks for Reading!
Shawna

24 Hours of Crazy

I was inspired by Valerie's post on 24 hours at her house, and decided to do it, too. I did it both for writing purposes and because I thought it would be a nice way to document this time in our lives.

Like Valerie, I picked a day (Tuesday of this week) and stuck with it, and let me tell you, the day turned out to be a doozy! Ok, here we go!

6:15 am -- I get out of bed to try and try to coax my ten month old daughter back to sleep. She's been up twice already. My husband has been trying to get her settled but needs to start getting ready for work. I wrap her up, lay her on her belly, and softly pat her back, and within a couple of minutes her even, deep breathing tells me she's out for the count. I run back to bed and try to snooze for the next ten minutes. Instead, my mind races with thoughts of said ten month old's first birthday party.

6:30 am -- Up and at 'em. I'm really tired. I make my bed while my husband and I discuss reasons not to have any more children (not sleeping through the night is at the top of the list). I take a shower.

6:46 am -- I gulp down coffee while browsing Facebook on my iPad. I try not to get agitated over various online dribble.

6:55 am -- I have to get dressed.

7:01 am -- My stomach hurts. Too much caffeine and aspirin. Taking so much migraine medication inhibits my stomach's processing of acid, making it build up and cause great pain. Must make smoothie before school so that my stomach is not empty.

7:03 am -- Kids are up. Well, Sofia is, anyway. She's scared of the hissing of the heater in her room so she's anxious to get out of bed. I look at Alex and he just buries his head under his blankets.

7:11 am -- Sofia makes her case for a treat after breakfast. She's unbelievably cute and endearing, until she hears no, and then she turns into a screaming banshee. Thankfully the baby sleeps through the ruckus.

7:26 am -- Request that kids get dressed. Alex obliges, Sofia protests very loudly, finally managing to wake Victoria. My husband changes her diaper before he leaves for work.

7:36 am -- Time for my husband to go. I cling to his leg and beg him not to leave me alone with the savages. He must go and I bay at the window as he walks away from the house. Sigh.

7:42 am -- I fix Sofia's hair with a style I found on Pinterest. She looks so adorable that I almost forget her morning screaming.

7:47 am -- I dry my hair while Alex brushes his teeth. He has been very reasonable this morning. He finishes and then calls Sofia in to brush. I love my big kid.

7:50 am -- I catch Victoria's fingers under the toilet seat lid. She screams. At the same time I battle and plead with Sofia to brush her teeth. I'm not going to have time to make the smoothie. I'm getting stressed.

7:55 am -- I make the smoothie after all! The kids are fascinated, with the older two asking me lots of questions about the ingredients (banana, strawberries, honey, cinnamon, and yogurt).

8:01 am -- Oh my lord, we are ready too early! (As I realize later, the relatively smooth morning was a bad sign of things to come. Haha.) I take the time to give extra hugs, and Alex tells me a story about how someone in his class ripped one of his books.

8:08 am -- On our way to school, Alex helps Sofia put something in her coat pocket, and we all hold hands all the way down the block. I have a moment of pure happiness.

8:17 am -- I helicopter parent Sofia through a small conflict with a classmate while waiting for the Pre-K teacher. As soon as I step away, they resolve it on their own.

8:20 am -- Arrive at PTA office. There's lots to do and discuss. I do some computer clean-up.

10:45 am -- As Sofia comes out at dismissal her teacher says she needs to talk to me. Uh oh. I question Sofia but she seems happy enough, so I try not to worry.

10:55 am -- I listen while the Pre-K teacher describes a minor playground incident. I strongly dislike her approach and I proceed to become irate and remind the teacher that the kids are only four and will make mistakes. I question Sofia once again but all I get are inane mumblings. I am rude to the teacher and yank Sofia out of the building.

11:05 am -- I make it about half way down the block before turning around, going back to the school, and asking to speak to the Assistant Principal. I am furious and complain about Sofia's teacher. The Assistant Principal graciously listens and assures me she will take care of it.

11:17 am -- I find alternate side of the street parking quickly, and I call my husband and yell endlessly about school incident.

12:06 pm -- At home, I feel bad about being rude to Sofia's teacher. She's a nice woman, she means well. I worry neurotically about possible consequences.

12:45 pm -- Sofia is down for her nap and I settle in to nurse Victoria. She is playful and at first I resist, anxious to get her to sleep, but I finally give in to her antics and I begin to feel better. I finally put her down around 1:30.

2:24 pm -- I want a latte. I break out our DeLonghi.

2:26 pm -- I briefly consider running for a position with the Education Council of my school district. Temporary insanity ends and I bookmark it for next year.

2:36 pm -- Victoria is up and inconsolable. I hold her for a bit but it's time to wake up Sofia so I can get her dance outfit on and pick up Alex from school, so I have to put Victoria down. She crawls after me screaming at the top of her lungs.

2:55 pm -- We are running late and Sofia refuses to do anything but stand and cry. She tries to put on her dance tights but they are inside out, and she also has to go to the bathroom. I pull her tights off, run her to the bathroom and put her on the potty, while Victoria follows, crawling and crying. I finally get Sofia dressed, Victoria into her winter suit, and I load myself up like a donkey.

3:02 pm -- I am going down the outside stairs of my house, wearing the baby, carrying a diaper bag and one other bag, and holding the stroller. Sofia is behind me. I'm rushing and don't look where I'm going, and I completely miss the last three steps. I twist my ankle and fall down on my butt. Hard. I can't get up. I'm in complete blinding pain and I'm afraid my ankle is broken. I think about Alex waiting for me in the school courtyard. Sofia panics and begins to cry. $!&@$!#%*"!!!!! Thankfully, Victoria is still snug in her Pikkolo and completely unaware that anything is happening. Moment of happiness--not quite.

3:15 pm -- I've managed to get up, strap Sofia into the stroller, and make it to get Alex on time. My foot is numb at first and then begins to get hot and tingly. We are already outside so I decide to go ahead and walk the 20 blocks to Sofia's dance class. I stop at CVS for a heated pad and an ACE bandage.

3:57 pm -- While Sofia twirls in the next room, I regale friends at dance class with colorful stories of the day's events. Victoria practices her new walking skills. She eats tiny pieces of popcorn off the floor before I can limp over to her to take them. I try with futility to get Alex to sit and do his homework--he just wants to play with the other older siblings of the little dancers.

4:45 pm -- My husband walks in and he is a sight for sore eyes. I show him my now horribly swollen ankle and garner some sympathy. He's left work early and has brought the car to drive us home. While he snuggles Victoria I have a chance to sit with Alex and talk about his day in detail. We hug and I feel happy.

5:33 pm -- We are home and I am resting my very painful ankle. I sit with my iPad and decide that I want to run for the Education Council after all. I complete the application while chaos ensues all around me--Victoria is tugging at my leg looking to nurse, Alex and Sofia are fighting endlessly. The fact that I can't freely get up and do stuff is maddening. Crap, we still need to eat dinner.

6:37 pm -- My mom is over for a visit and I hobble around the kitchen trying to get dinner together. Various children are underfoot, making me anxious. I worry about tripping over someone and hurting myself further. I blame my helpful husband for anything I can think of. Sigh.

7:48 pm -- Dinner is an hour late but we are all eating. Alex scarfs down his spaghetti and one whole meatball (actually made from cannellini beans). Sofia pokes, stirs, mashes, and then declares she's not happy with the meal. We invoke the five bite rule and she's done.

8:48 pm -- My mom reads a book to Sofia while Alex reads his school library book and I nurse Victoria on the couch. Another good moment to cherish.

9:00 pm -- Kids are in bed, 45 minutes late. Damn my stupid sprained ankle.

9:30 pm -- I'm nursing Victoria but I can't get comfortable. Our new sofa is hard and it hurts my butt. I finally give in and lay down, and fall asleep nursing.

12:55 am -- My husband helps me get to bed. I can't put any weight on my ankle. Everything gets dark and my ears start ringing really loudly and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I make it to the bed where I lay feeling cold and clammy.

3:23 am -- Victoria is up to nurse. She goes back to sleep without much fuss and I am grateful.

5:05 am -- Victoria is up again. I'm hoping my husband can settle her but her cries pierce through the early morning silence and he brings her over to nurse. She is cute and cuddly and we sleep side by side for the rest of the morning. Another good moment.

6:15 am -- I have hardly slept because of the pain from my damn ankle. My husband is spending the day working from home and he will take the kids in to school. Thank goodness, because when I try to get up I feel like I am going to pass out again. Boy, what a 24 hours it has been!

***

My ankle is painful, bruised and swollen, but hopefully just a bad sprain. I hope I can hobble my kids over to school for the next few days.

Out Of The Mouths of Babes

My kids make me laugh. A lot. Sometimes it's a giggle, and sometimes a guffaw.

As maddening as some moments can be, I often find myself laughing in the midst of the chaos. I love conversing with my kids, and the way they see the world is innocent, honest, and interesting.

Following are some of the funniest things they have said recently (at least the ones I've been able to write down. Things move fast around here!). Some are silly, some are gross, and some are just melt your heart sweet.

*Sofia falls, screams*
Me: "Are you ok?!"
Sofia: "No! I broke my ankle!"
Me: "Where does it hurt?"
Sofia: *Points to her elbow*

Alex: "Mommy, when I grow up, I can't wait to get a job where you can cut people up and see what's inside them."

Alex: "I want to plant an apple tree."
Me: "I want to plant a lemon tree."
Sofia: "I want to plant a lollipop tree!"

Alex: "You say no to everything, except the things you say yes to. You say more no than yes, and I don't like it. I'm having a horrible life."

Me: *Sings to Adele on the radio*
Alex: "Mommy, are you singing?"
Me: "Yes."
Alex: "I can't tell, 'cause you sound just like the lady on the radio."
Me: ♥ ♥ ♥"

Sofia: "I hurt my butt! Somebody kiss it! Somebody kiss my butt!"

Sofia: "Mommy, this puzzle is hard, I can't do it. I need my brudder."

Alex: "Daddy is really good at making frozen stuff, because all he has to do is put it in the oven."

Sofia: "What's that smell? It smells like kangaroos."

Sofia: "A birdie! They make me happy. I want to catch one someday."

Sofia, looking at a book: "What is this boy doing?"
Me: "Climbing on the monkey bars."
Sofia: "But, he can't, because they're for monkeys."

Me: "What's that smell? It smells like rotten garbage."
Sofia: "Maybe it smells like Daddy."

Sofia: "Buuuurp."
Husband: "That's gross! You should say excuse me."
Sofia: "You should shave your butt."

Sofia, after I playfully smacked her butt: "That's my private part. Stop touching my butt or I'm going to poop on you."

Alex: "Mommy, XXXX is my girlfriend. We're going to get married and move to Paris."
Me: "Oh yeah? Do you know what it means to marry someone?"
Alex: "Yes. It means that you love them. I want to work. Not now, when I grow up."
Me: "What do you want to do for your job?"
Alex: "I don't know yet. I don't know what kinds of jobs they have in Paris."

Me: "I love you."
Sofia: "Thank you."

Sofia: "You're the greatest Alex in the whole world!"
Alex: "Thank you."

Sofia, after spinning around for five minutes: "Mommy, our house is moving."

Sofia: "Mommy, the sky is blue and it looks like water."

Alex, wearing goggles: "Mommy, I have gargles."

Compiling this list has reminded me of all the things my kids have said that I *haven't* had the chance to document. I'll be sure to start writing things down again.

Do your children make you laugh?

I want her to say...

Everyone has to parent the way that rings true for them. The way that tells their Mama heart that they are doing what is best for their baby. I'm an AP mama for that very reason. Gwen thrives in that hands on, child-focused style; and it emphasizes the things that I love about her and for her (independence, respect vs. obedience).


When Gwen grows up, I want her to say

 ... that she always had a voice and that voice always meant something.
 ... that her Daddy and I were there whenever she needed an ear, and that she felt comfortable telling us what was on her mind and in her heart.
 ... that expectations were straight forward and obtainable.
 ... that if the answer was No, she always knew why.
 ... that she didn't get everything she wanted, but that she had everything she needed, plus some.
 ... that compassion and a consciousness of others and our surroundings were important from an early age.
 ... that she was appreciated and valued.
 ... that there was never a doubt in her heart that her mama loved her and was there for her. Period.

Summer Bucket List

For the first time ever, our family decided to make a Summer Bucket List. What's a bucket list? It's more or less a wish list of really cool things you'd like to do within a certain period of time.

I wasn't sure how excited my kids would be to do this with me, but they really enjoyed the process. Even my 3.5 year old daughter, who at first didn't get exactly what we were doing, eventually started adding some pretty cool things to the list. We got really creative, and my husband added some fun things as well. We made a special shopping trip to buy some supplies to make our bucket list extra special (like poster board and thick, multi colored markers), and the kids really loved that too.

Why make a bucket list? Well, for us, it's an opportunity to make the most out of the summer break, and it leaves little time for boredom. Some of our bucket list items are really simple (watch a sunset, run through a sprinkler) and some are more involved (make vanilla ice cream, visit Rye Playland). All are fun, mostly thrifty or free, and each activity gives us the chance to spend time together as a family (starting with making the actual list!).

I'm thrilled to share our bucket list with you and would love to hear from you if you decide to make one. Happy summer!

Open Letter To Mainstream Media

Dear Mainstream Media;

I am not being oppressed by my parenting style. Thanks for your concern but you are missing a key piece of the story. You see; I am not solely responsible for building and maintaining my child's sense of attachment.

If I were I would most certainly find the weight of such a responsibility oppressive; I may even find the idea of shouldering that responsibility impossible. I may laugh or rage or otherwise dismiss it entirely. Instead I embrace the piece of mind that comes of following my child's cues with my heart and my instinct because I don't have to do it alone.

My son has a secure emotional attachment to me. My son is also attached to his father. He is attached to his grandparents. He is attached to his aunt and his uncle. He is attached to his other caretakers who all accept that they have a role to play in meeting his needs. He trusts these people to meet his needs because, though we have all made mistakes, he knows we have never failed to love him. I trust these people because, while mistakes are always a part of life and relationships, they have never failed to love me.

He has a village. I have a village. We have a village of people who love us, who trust us as much as we trust them, and who support us in every way they can without question or condition.

This kind of community is so rare in the culture we currently live in that it seems you can’t even imagine what it is like. You feed us images of strong women with headlines designed to imply competition, you feed the resulting public take down of strong women by releasing article after article about her body and her dress, you debate my status and power within my community on daytime talk shows, you create within the public awareness the illusion of ‘good mom’ and ‘bad mom’ and pit them against each other.

Your point is quite clear; if you can’t parent this way you aren’t enough, if you can you are either oppressed or an extremist. In your sphere there is no win for any woman. The point you are missing is all the ways our culture is failing our children, is failing women, and men, failing families. The story you are missing is how we could be doing more to support all families to make choices based on what they feel is right and not what is necessary to measure up to your standards.   

Attachment parenting isn't about mothers. It's about families and it's about community. By continually dismissing and denying the roll that other family and community members have to play in attachment parenting and child rearing in general it is you who are adding unneeded shame, guilt and stress onto women. 

Please stop.

Sincerely;

Julian: Feminist & Attachment Parent

What a Busy Mom Needs

My youngest child is a little over two months old now. I found the postpartum period incredibly easy this time around--perhaps too easy. Physically, I bounced back almost instantly. I was up and around, preparing the house for guests the morning after. I may have given the

impression that things are completely back to normal, but they are not. Despite my quick recovery, I am still balancing the needs of a newborn and three older children, household duties, and paid freelance work. It can quickly become overwhelming. I have been thinking about what I need, and I decided to share it here. I do not claim to speak for every busy mom, but hopefully some of you can find commiseration here. Maybe friends, family, and partners could also learn a thing or two about the kind of support a mom needs.

I need a friend who will listen and allow me to vent without judgment. When I talk about struggles I am facing with my child, I do not want to hear about how lucky you are that you have a "good" baby. I do not want you to informally diagnose my child with some mental

disorder or suggest I abandon my parenting style. I just want someone to listen. I would be happy to do the same for you. And when I don't have time to hang out, please don't take it personally. Weekends are often the only time my whole family can be together, and we really need that.

I need family members who love and accept me, imperfect as I am. Your opinion means so much to me, so try not to be too disappointed if I fall behind in my day-to-day tasks. I am doing the best I can. There will be time enough for chores when my babies are older. When you plan a get-together, please consider my children. Everything goes so much more smoothly when their needs are met. I might be intensely emotional around you, and I apologize, but know that this

is because you are one of the few people I trust enough to open up to. If I parent differently from you, I do not mean it as an insult. I am just doing what I feel works best for my kids. I know it sounds silly, but I really just want you to be proud of me.

Most of all, I need a partner who will support me, not just in word but in deed. I appreciate that you value my thoughts and opinions, but what I really need is for you to act on it. If you want me to be an attentive mother to our children it will require a lot of my time and energy--especially when they are little. Please support me in this effort by picking up some of my slack around the house. Keep up with the messes you make. Do a load of laundry or pick up a broom now and then. Sometimes, I feel emotionally depleted at the end of the day. Please know that I love you and that I am not intentionally ignoring you. Even when I am not up to being intimate, I still very much need
your affection. The rest will come in time.

To all of my loved ones, thank you for listening and for always being there. To my fellow moms, you are not alone. I hope you find everything you need.

Summertime & the Livin's...Stressful?

I don't know about you but when I was a kid, I looked forward to summer break all year long. Now that I'm the mommy to an elementary schooler, I dread summer break all year long. It's not that I don't enjoy spending time with my son, I do! But his boredom drives me absolutely bonkers. In past years, Styles has gone to spend a month or so with my mom, a week or two here and there with my dad and a week or two with his great-grandparents. This year, he's all mine and I'm already stressing out. As a stay-at-home mom, we have a routine. The little ones take naps. We run here and there doing this and that and being home with just the two little munchkins is difficult enough. Styles complains when we drive the 3.5 miles to the doctor's office. Driving into Savannah every few days is going to kill him.

In addition to the monkey-wrench in our routine, Styles has ADHD. I struggle with whether or not to give him his medication. Most weekends he doesn't take it and during the summer, I prefer that he not take it then either. (I promise to post a series on Styles' ADHD and why we chose to put him on medication at a later date.) He doesn't eat much when he takes it and he doesn't weigh enough to be on a medication-induced-diet so to speak. Along with the ADHD comes incessant talking. Styles just talks and talks and talks and talks. As Austin Powers would say, "Due to the unfreezing pro-cess, I have no inner monologue!" And it is oh-so-true about Styles. It drives me bonkers.

Add to that the fact that we live in the seriously humid south, and you have a recipe for disaster. So this year, I have started looking into programs or activities that will keep Styles' mind and body busy and give us a break from one another. I don't want this to be like last summer where he spent his days in front of the TV and playing video games. We're not that kind of family so to allow him to do that during the summer is not only bad parenting on my part, but it is unhealthy for him.

Here are a few things that I have come up with to make this summer less stressful, more healthful, and full of fun memories (I hope).

Sports Camps: Our city offers relatively inexpensive sports camps that run for 5 days, 3 to 4 hours/day. We are looking into basketball, soccer, and lacrosse. Basketball camp is $75 and runs for 3 hours for a week. Most cities or counties offer programs like this and many provide scholarship programs if you are in a financial bind. The YMCA is another great resource for summer programs and I know for a fact that they offer scholarships - I've had to use them before!

Pool/Water Time:

I bought a blow-up pool with built-in water guns last year for $7 when all of the summer stuff went on sale. I plan on leaving it as a permanent fixture in my back yard. Our community has a pool but it is difficult for me to take all 3 kids at the same time. Madilyn loves to kamikaze into the pool while I'm trying to nurse Grady on the side. I'm not a fan of water wings so I'm still looking for a way to (safely) be able to take all 3

of them. PLEASE do not forget to lather your children with sunscreen this summer. Factor 50 is going to be your best bet. Remember to put it on your children before you put their swimsuits on, and allow about 30 minutes for it to dry before getting into the water. I usually put it on my kids and give them ice pops to suck on to pass the time. My youngest is only 2 months old and he will have to spend the entire summer sans SPF-anything. For him, we have purchased some SPF 50+ clothing. We have shorts, a long-sleeved shirt, and a hat by the company iPlay. Target also has some Circo brand sunguard suits as well. The best time to go out is in the morning before noon, and after 3pm.

Another option is water guns. Styles got one for Easter and plans on using it every day with his little friends across the street. I want him to spend time outside but with a heat index of well over 100, I don't want him to overheat.

Icy Foods: We bought an inexpensive sno-cone maker a few summers ago. You can use fruit juice to sweeten the ice shavings, or syrup that you can buy at many grocery stores. We even have fun cups and swirly straws to drink them out of.

Here is a recipe that is healthy, but not so healthy that your kids won't eat it, and easy enough that your kids can help you in the kitchen. It is one of my favorite recipes for ice pops:

Watermelon Pops

*4 cups seedless watermelon chunks, the smaller the better

*light corn syrup, granulated sugar, OR sugar substitute (agave nectar, honey, Truvia, etc...)

*1/4 cup mini chocolate chips

*1 pt. vanilla ice cream, white as you can get, and softened

*3 cups honeydew melon

1. Spread watermelon chunks

in an even layer on a baking sheet. Freeze about 1 hour or until semi-frozen. Transfer to a blender and add either 2 Tbls cornsyrup or 2 Tbls sugar, or both, to taste (I didn't add very much because my melon was wonderful tasting and sweet). Puree until a thick slush forms. Stir in chocolate chips.

2. Fill molds or cups halfway with slush. Insert a stick into the center of each, letting sticks extend 2 in. above top edge of molds. The slush will support the sticks without sinking, so you won't need the tops of molds.) Freeze molds 1 hour or until solid.

3. Carefully spoon ice cream (about 2 Tbls in each mold over watermelon layer, to simulate the rind. Freeze 1 hour or until hard.

4. Meanwhile, spread the honeydew chunks in a even layer on a baking sheet. Freeze about 1 hour or until semi-frozen. Transfer to a blender and add corn syrup or sugar, and puree until a thick slush forms. Fill molds to top with honeydew slush and Freeze 4 hours or until hard.

5. To serve: Let pops stand at room temperature for 3 minutes to soften slightly. Remove from molds. If pops don't release easily, dip molds briefly in warm, not hot, water.

Fruit Pickin':

When I was a young lass who spent summers in Florida, we went strawberry and blueberry picking. I had a love-hate relationship with it. I hated being hot and sweaty but I loved picking my own fruit and eating it as I went along. There was something sweet about eating the fruits of our labor once we got home (pun intended). This is an activity that is best suited for early in the morning before it gets hot and humid.

Museum Tours:

My 9 year old son loves museums. We rarely stay in one place for very long but he does enjoy looking at the artwork and learning about history. We generally go home and play with play-doh or paint when we get home.

Movie Day: Many theaters offer $1 movies one day per week during the summer. Check this link to see if your local Regal Cinema offers this summertime service.

Library Time: Most libraries have story time for younger tots. I plan on doing this two times per week this summer. We generally go on Tuesdays but will add Wednesdays during the summer. This will give Styles an opportunity to find books that he wants to read, and read them in peace while Madilyn and Grady get some time to learn to appreciate books the way that their older brother does.

Young Entrepreneurs: Styles begged and begged and begged and begged me to set up a lemonade stand last summer. I was very ill during my first trimester with Grady and did not have the energy to do so. This year I am going to let him go ahead and do it. Lemonade is relatively easy to make, and I plan on letting him have a pitcher of Crystal Light lemonade for a "light" option for those of us on a diet. He can brave the heat in our driveway while I watch him from our living room window.

GAMES GAMES GAMES!: Board games, putt-putt golf, bowling. Whatever you can dream up. I remember doing sack races with my friends and then eating cool watermelon afterwards. Our local bowling alley offers $1 games and $1 shoe rentals on Mondays. It is smoke-free and AIR CONDITIONED! It will be a perfect place for me to wear the baby while playing with the older two children. And luckily for us, it's not far so I don't have to worry about my gas-guzzling mini van. Hey - it is Flex Fuel and I have 3 kids, lay off!

What do you plan on doing with your kids this summer? I need more ideas!

Natural Parenting Works: Jennifer's Story

Today, I would like to introduce the first in what I hope will become a series of guest posts. Some people who practice natural parenting learned it from their parents, but a number of us are charting new territory. When you and everyone you know were raised in a "mainstream" or authoritarian style, it can be easy to slip into self-doubt. Does natural parenting really produce healthy, well-adjusted adults? Can gentle discipline really help children understand right from wrong? To answer these questions, I will be inviting adults who were raised naturally and gently to tell their stories. I ask them to share some information about how they were raised, how they felt about it as a child, and how it affects them as adults. The results speak for themselves! If you are interested in sharing your story, please e-mail me at connectedmom.mandi@gmail.com

And now, I give the floor to Jennifer, who shares the encouraging story of her natural, gentle upbringing. I hope it will be as inspiring to you as it was to me.

***

Passing Down Natural Parenting

By Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama

My parents both grew up in San Francisco and were products of the 60’s hippie movement. They were not “true” hippies per say but certainly embraced a more peaceful lifestyle. After they married, they left the big city and moved to a small, up and coming town in Washington State. It was here, that they had me.

My father owned his own construction company and worked a lot. I have some beautiful memories of our time spent together when I was young but he really was not around a lot. My mother was a stay at home mom and I spent 98% of my time being parented by her.

My mom surrounded herself with parents who followed a more natural way of parenting. Everyone practiced extended breastfeeding (I was breastfed until my mom had surgery when I was 2 ½), children were allowed to be children without harsh discipline, many of the mothers home birthed (less common to hear about in the 70’s), everyone ate from a wholesome array of natural foods, and generally followed an attachment parenting approach. My mom thrived in this environment and flourished with the support. She had been an only child and had not been around children growing up. Although she made motherhood look easy, my guess is that it did not necessarily come naturally.

I probably was not the easiest child to parent. I was strong willed, make that STRONG WILLED. I marched to my own drummer. I wanted to do things my way and did not want any help. I was easily frustrated. I was very creative and needed a lot of stimulation. I was very social (and my mother was painfully shy). I despised being told “no.” I was ridiculously inquisitive, to the point that most mothers would have probably given me away to gypsies. I was also VERY generous, warm hearted, enthusiastic, and happy. I was also quiet…surprisingly. I was not a loud child. My mother had a lot of health issues when I was young and I was amazingly understanding and could play by myself for hours as a toddler. I think that my mom and I just had that sort of connection. My mom did an amazing job balancing all sides of me, especially since you just never knew which Jennifer might show up that day!

My mother was typically very gentle with me. Instead of yelling and screaming she took the time to help guide me and to help me understand why I should or should not do something. No matter where we were, she would get down on my level, speak to me in a way that I could understand, and allow me to have less than stellar moments. My mother really understood who I was and what I needed from her as a mother. Yes, she had some not-so-peaceful mothering moments but no parent is perfect. A little frustration is bound to produce a knee jerk reaction from time to time.

My father was a bit different than my mother in his parenting style. Daddy was the “fun” weekend parent. We would go to the barber shop, the hardware store, the dumps, and run all kinds of other construction related errands. I was in my element. I chatted it up with everyone and just enjoyed being with my dad. I was a little leach when he was around. My dad was a bit more direct in his parenting approach. For example, he was less likely to take the time to help me work through my feelings or to understand why I should or should not do something. However, he was gentle nonetheless. He just had things to do and could not take the time to go into a dissertation on why I needed to get into the car and not chase butterflies. (My mother would have let me give fair chase and then eased me into a transition into the car). I do remember that he indulged me once in a while.

I was a very bright child with a natural inclination towards doing the right thing. My parents modeled Christian living. They were very kind and generous to others. They were always there to lend a helping hand. They abided by the law. They worked hard and everything they had they earned fairly. They spoke kindly about everyone and everything. They did not argue with each other. Their spousal relationship was so beautiful. They had so much respect for each other and so much love. It oozed from them. They communicated compassionately. I just lived in the presence of two people who always did the right thing. To this day they are honest to a fault. I grew up doing the right thing because it was simply the life that we all led. I shared with friends because I saw my parents share with other. I told the truth because my parents were truthful. I was respectful of others because I was respected. I had a strong moral compass because I was guided by two people with strong moral compasses. There of course were times when my parents had to do more than just live a righteous life in order to help me understand right from wrong. But, they always took the time, in the moment, to help guide me towards appropriate actions and reactions. They never ridiculed me or made me feel like less of a person if I made a poor choice. They helped me work through why I made that choice and helped me determine what the better path would have been. I really never messed up twice. There was no need too. My parents made sure that all of my questions were answered and that I knew what the natural consequences of my actions would be.

Was I ever punished? Sure. There was the time I pooped in the front yard at 5 years of age. I definitely knew better and was showing off for my friends. I think my mom kept me inside and away from my friends for the next few days more out of her own embarrassment than anything. But I DID know better and certainly deserved some sort of consequence as there really are not that many affective natural consequences for pooping in your own front yard.

I grew up an only child and as such was lucky enough to have all of my parent’s attention to myself. My parents were always open and honest with me. They never made up lame excuses, created a story to get past a difficult parenting moment, or lied to me. Even if I was too young to understand something, I can remember that they would take the time to find a way to help me wrap my arms around the issue as best I could. My parents did not take parenting shortcuts. I believe that this paved the way for the strong bond we all had as I grew up. I was always very trusting of my parents and confortable with them. I knew that there was nothing I would ever do that would make them not love me. Sure, they did not always like what I did but I was never persecuted for my actions or decisions.

My parents and I are still amazingly close. We are great friends. They do a lot for me. They support me. They listen to me. They understand me more than anyone else in this world. They still gently guide me and help me understand life. I need that. I need these two people in my life in this way otherwise I do not think I could make it as a parent.

I did not plan on becoming a parent but life is funny that way. I threw myself into my pregnancy and then into motherhood. I had a beautiful model in my mother and knew that I wanted everything for my daughter that my parents gave me. However, I am naturally, not a natural parent in all aspects. Parenting peacefully is a challenge. I am still that easily frustrated little girl. I have no patience. I like things my way and hate to have my schedule or routine encroached upon. So yes, I have had to step outside of who I inherently am in order to be a natural parent. Breastfeeding was never a question. 25 months later and we are going strong. Healthy, green living and foods in their most natural state were also not a question. That was simply the lifestyle I led. However, peacefully, gently guiding my daughter is something I have to work hard at. I have to constantly stop and take a deep breath before having a knee jerk reaction. Although I completely disagree with the tenants of mainstream parenting, I will admit that they certainly are easier. But I WILL NOT allow myself to fall into those patterns. My daughter deserves better. Plus, she naturally thrives on things like a nurturing touch, responding with sensitivity, compassion, gentle and positive discipline, flexible and evolving boundaries, and sleep/bed sharing.

I am so very thankful that my parents raised me in the spirit of natural parenting. If I had not had that to emulate, I would probably have gone the more mainstream route. That is how my husband was raised and together we would probably not have looked deeply into other parenting styles and options. I am a researcher by nature and surely would have taken the time to see what else is out there but may not have been as vocal and adamant with my husband about what I saw as the better way to parent. I also incorporate a lot of Rudolph Steiner’s (Waldorf) principals into how I parent. His approach takes natural parenting a step further and really connects it with the developmental needs and will of a child. It is pretty profound stuff and again, it falls in line with my beliefs and what my daughter thrives on.

Natural parenting is NOT the easy route. Mainstream parenting is always trying to encroach. Natural parents are subject to more questioning, more ridicule, more insults, and more dismissive behavior from other parents. We are considered “crunchy,” “hippies,” “going against the grain”, “off our rocker”, “lazy,” and a whole host of other naïve and purely ridiculous labels. It seems like we always have to justify why junior is breastfeeding at age 3, or wearing cloth diapers, or not being told “no”, or being allowed to get dirty in a rainstorm, or given the opportunity to learn from their own actions, etc… It takes a strong person to stand behind a natural parenting philosophy but the payoff is HUGE. Once you establish a natural parenting rhythm and learn what works best for your family and child, parenting (in my observation) is a lot easier. Children are much more responsive, understanding, compassionate, respectful, trustworthy, and closely bonded to their parents. They are happy. They have the freedom to grow into the person they will be in 20 years without feeling shame or guilt along the way. They become the freest of thinkers and the most willing of doers. They are NOT spoiled or poorly prepared for life. In fact, I will venture to say that naturally parented children may be much better prepared for life because their decision making skills are based on sound reasoning, good judgment, natural consequences, and the desire to do what is best for the greater good and NOT threats, time outs, scare tactics, verbal bashing, or physical punishment.
I encourage all parents to explore natural parenting practices and approaches and to stay the course. It is not the easiest parenting road but, like the name suggests, it is the most natural. And it works. I am proof. You have me at my word.

Blessings,

Jennifer

***

Jennifer is mama to a daughter, “Tiny," and a passionate supporter of natural parenting. She shares her passion at Hybrid Rasta Mama.

"Whatcha Need to Know?" Wednesdays

I'm hoping that as I get to know more of you and more comments are posted, Wednesdays at The Connected Mom will be devoted to addressing issues that you have questions about. Please feel free to email me at ConnectedMomCarmen@gmail.com or comment below any of my posts. Saturdays will be for the 'light' stuff (inspiring stories, giveaways, etc.). :o)

This week, I'm coming to you for help. What I need to know is about grieving and breastfeeding. I want to hear from you about how you handled loss, breastfeeding, and attachment parenting while grieving a loss.

I know that stress can cause your milk supply to drop; did you dip into a freezer stash or take supplements to counteract the potential drop?

What about the way you parent? Holding your children closer than ever would seem the natural course of things, but I imagine it's not easy to do when you have those moments of simply wanting to pull away from everything. Having a preschooler who may not fully understand the reality of what is happening will provide unique challenges as well.

Today's role reversal is because I'm facing this very situation. My grandfather is 88 years old and was placed on hospice right before Killian was born in January. He had two goals-- to see Killian and to make it long enough to celebrate their 50th anniversary with my grandma. Well, he was here when Killian came home (we stopped at their house on the way to ours).

He's the "Joseph" in Killian Joseph Merritt B. He not only made it long enough to meet Killian, but has gotten to enjoy him as well.

Growing up, my grandpa & I always had a special bond. He owned a sewing machine shop & I was his 'apprentice'-- complete with pink business cards. We'd walk to the 7-11 around the corner every day at lunch and he'd buy me snowballs. He would order my hotcakes every Sunday morning before church when we went to McDonald's, make sure they were 'perfectly golden', slather them with butter, pour on the syrup, and cut them to my liking. (Yeah, I was a *little* spoiled.) He gave my first 'boyfriend' a quarter a week to save up for my wedding ring; in preschool that was big money! I'd snuggle up to him in worship service, and when I was really little he was affectionately referred to as my 'water bed'. He taught me how to skip when I thought I'd fail kindergarten if I didn't learn. He taught me how to break down a sewing machine, clean it up with Fantastik and make it sparkle like new.

Me & Grandpa 1983

He taught me what unconditional love really means. In my eyes, he can do no wrong. For some girls, that person is their daddy. Unfortunately, the bad choices my father made are far too many to get into on here. The first time my dad was incarcerated, my grandpa asked me if I wanted my daddy home. When I told him I did, with all the wisdom of a 2 year old and no clue what the next 15 years would bring, my grandpa fought tooth & nail to make sure I got what I asked for. He and my grandma helped my mom with me when I was little; when I was 20 I lived with them for a few years, and they helped me with my first daughter as well. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding.


This Tuesday, September 14, is my grandparent's 50th anniversary.


This weekend I had to let my 8 year old know that she might not be back from her dad's house before Grandpa passes away. I'd briefly spoken to her about him getting worse, and of course she has seen it. I've never lived more than 15 minutes away from them, so she sees them often. I've never had to deal with death like this (someone so close & having to tell a child this young). Marley (3.5 years) is just old enough to miss him, but too young to understand the permanence of what it about to happen. It tears my heart out that she and Killian won't really have any memories of him.

How in the world do you go through this and remain 'attached'? Is that what keeps you going? I nursed through an 'early' miscarriage, but this seems to be on a whole other level compared to that. I've always begged my grandpa to stay for the next thing.... I know that won't work this time. I can't imagine the breath that will come after I know that he has passed. I worry that I should pump and freeze some milk or take some Fenugreek as a preemptive move, but I'd really like to hear from others who have experience with this.

Me & Grandpa 2006
...is my expression not the worst!? ;o)

The Newest Breastfeeding Acronym: NIFF

I've sat down too many times to count in hopes of beginning this post only to get stuck and abandon it. I'm quite the talker in real life and even write Facebook status updates that roll over in to the first comment (or two)! Yet coming to The Connected Mom to begin contributing has me at a loss for words. I think it's due in part to the fact that I want my posts to reflect your concerns and interests. Like my bio states, I've experienced a lot as a mom and I am working hard to become a better mom. I figure you're here for similar reasons. You're possibly a mom who already has a firm grip on her parenting and is looking for a place to read what like minded moms think. Maybe you're looking for guidance in one area or another that you feel strongly about but are having challenges with. My hope, though, is to also help the moms who stumble by unplanned. I want to hear from you-- all of you-- about what you need.

On my mind this week is breastfeeding; at my house, we call it "boo". "Boo" is it's own noun and verb. It can be past (boo'd), present (boo'ing), or future (*will/going to* boo) tense. My 8 year old daughter boo'd for less than a month after she was born. My 3.5 year old daughter boo'd for 31 months, weaning when I was almost 8 months pregnant and was hospitalized for a week. She boo'd for her final time this January when I brought home her brother and finished up simply stating 'Kee-yen (Killian) can has dees boos'.

Killian has generously accepted the passing of the boos. We've battled mastitis when he was a week old, struggles with reflux, and thrush. At barely 7 months old, he carries more history than he will know for many years. My pregnancy with Killian was preceded by an 'early miscarriage' and he is named after my grandfather as well as my husband's grandfather. When he was born, I had that moment of thinking 'such a big name for such a little guy'-- Killian Joseph Merritt B. He's the baby that has solidified my nursing in public *NIP* skills. More than that, he's the baby that has solidified my 'nursing in front [of] family' *NIFF... ok, so i made that up* skills. You will find all kinds of information about how to NIP comfortably, but not so much about NIFF. It's amazing how family who changed my diapers are the ones that I worry about boo'ing around. They're married, they've had kids, they know how this whole shebang works, but yet I will excuse myself from the room to avoid potentially making them uncomfortable. I've realized that sometimes NIFF is harder than NIP. It's easy to say "put a blanket over your head/go in the bathroom for your lunch/look away" when you're talking about strangers, but what about when it's your own family? Only recently have I nonchalantly began to NIFF mid-conversation-- without a *gasp* cover. Oh yeah-- that's right-- one too many games of peek-a-boob and hot natured children have meant that I might throw a hand or the end of a sling over that bit of skin, but that's about it.

A recent moment NIFF caught me at my uncle's wedding at which I was a guest and cake baker/server. Earlier in the evening, I was boo'ing in a main room and shared a giggle with those around me when a woman who was behind me couldn't see what I was doing tried to pass cake plates over my shoulder so I could serve the cake! After the cake was cut, I stepped into a quiet area adjacent to all the hubbub and socializing to boo Killian. A few minutes later my sister in law walked in. She was photographing the ceremony/reception and would be leaving shortly. Until recently, she's been in the "I support you & know the benefits, but I don't especially want to watch" camp. I think she's finally realized that if Killian is anything like Marley, he'll be boo'ing for quite a while yet which means my boob will be out more often than not! :o) She pulled out her camera and snapped a photo which I will treasure forever.



Killian's hand holding my necklace. It's stamped with the names of all 3 children, has each of their birthstones, and a stone for the baby we lost. He wraps his chubby little hand around that disc and pulls/tugs more than I thought that chain could take. The moment she snapped that seemingly simple photo was special not only because of what was in the photo, but because of all the things you can't see. She chose to allow me to NIFF even when I had removed myself. I was in 'front' of more family than I've been around under one roof in over 10 years, even though I was in one of the less populated rooms.

Have you had worries about NIFF? Do you try to avoid it? Is your family accepting of your choice to nurse whenever/where ever? If you NIFF without exception, did you have to work up to it or was it just something you did automatically? If you don't NIFF, is it because you are uncomfortable, because you worry about making them uncomfortable, or something else entirely?

*Necklace by StephieMc Designs on Etsy *