Sullivan's Fast & Furious Home Birth or Why You Cannot 'Doula Yourself'

Saturdays, around our house, are known as 'Daddy Days', basically meaning that Kevin gets up early with Oliver, the two have breakfast together then go out on the town to do 'guy stuff' while I get to sleep in and then take myself out to the farmer's market and for a brunch date with a book. 

That Saturday I invited my best friend and doula partner, Nena, who would be attending my birth, out on my Me-Date. Looking back on my texts from that day I was already showing some early labour signs: 

"True. Lol.... Ok. Braiding my hair, starting laundry, then leaving my house. Slowly. You may even beat me there."... "Ok. Psa. I laid down in my towel with some Braxton hicks and haven't gotten back up. Sloooow. Haha"

I did eventually get out of bed and walked the 4-5 blocks to the market to meet Nena. I had a crepe from my favourite food truck, we roamed the market, bought some produce,  joked with friends we passed that I was still pregnant, then walked back to the coffee shop on my street for a tea.  

While we were there I couldn't stand long enough to wait for my order at the counter and when we sat down finally I couldn't sit still and before we were finished I started feeling 'weird'. It was too hot, I was nauseous and dizzy, something just wasn't 'right'. I knew my blood sugar was fine since I'd just eaten and I was hydrated and it wasn't a hot day so I dashed across the street to the pharmacy to check my blood pressure thinking maybe it had dipped but it was normal so I figured maybe I'd just over exerted myself and went home for a nap.

Knowing Nena had plans for the rest of the day and a wedding out of town that evening  I joked that I would wait until next week to have the baby. But she was really adamant that I not hesitate to call and interrupt her if I needed her. Apparently right after leaving me she made arrangements for all her other commitments & responsibilities for the weekend. 

On this 'Daddy day' Oliver and Kevin went to see some crazy hillbilly mud racing monster truck thing, leaving me with the house to myself all day. I took it easy, I did some laundry, I napped, I read, I watched TV. And eventually started feeling better. throughout all this I was having some sporadic surging but nothing even remotely 'productive'. I did have a bit of mucus and 'show' but it was such a small amount I dismissed it. 

I texted my other doula, Kim, about it and then assured her she should still take her kids to an event 45 minutes away but to maybe just keep her phone close in case anything changed (as if us doulas ever leave them far away). 

By the time Oliver and Kevin came home around 5pm I was starting to feel some downward pressure every 10-15 minutes but I still wasn't calling them 'contractions'. I felt nothing 'up top' or in my back where most of the intensity had been when I laboured with Oliver so I figured it was just baby moving or getting into position. We ate supper, we watched the first 3 quarters of the 'Rider (CFL Football) game, and then I took Oliver up to bed at about 8:30.

I nursed Oliver down that night and the moment he latched I knew if something hadn't already started it was starting now. In the 15 minutes that he was at my breast the 'pressure' went from about 10-15 minutes apart to about 3-4 minutes apart (i never timed them, just guessing) and I had to focus on my breathing to get through each one. 

I texted Kim again while I was laying there, I told her I didn't know if it was actual surging because I still couldn't feel anything except for the intense downward pressure on my cervix. She told me to put my hand on top of my stomach during the next one to see if I could feel the tightening that way. The second another pressure started with my hand resting there I knew for sure they were 'real contractions'. The light pressure of my hand felt unbearable and I could definitely feel the tightening of my uterus from the outside. But I was still convinced it was early and could go away at any moment so Kim suggested I eat something, take a walk, and then try to get some sleep.

Once Oliver was asleep I went downstairs (stopping twice on the stairs to breathe through more pressure) and tried to eat but wasn't hungry, I took a walk around the main floor of my house (stopping every few feet to breathe through more pressure) then got onto my knees and leaned into my couch thinking if I just stopped moving around they would go away. 

Kevin, who had been watching me quietly since I came down the stairs asked if I should call the midwife. I laughed and told him if this was it then it was really early and maybe I would think of calling once the pressure was a consistent 3-1-1 (three minutes apart, lasting a minute, for over an hour). He, in his totally straight faced take-no-bullshit way, asked how I would know when that was if I wasn't timing any contractions. I promised him I would track some and text my doulas again while he gathered the supplies on our 'Homebirth List' the midwives had given us. 

I didn't really time anything, or text either of my doulas. I just hung out there swaying my hips asking myself if I was ready for this and thinking of all the ways I could make it stop and wait for another day. I decided a bath would be the ticket. Everyone knows if you get in the tub too early it can totally slow everything down. 

Before going up to the bathroom I texted Nena:

 "Hey so like. Don't jump in your car or anything. Enjoy the wedding. But like. Don't accidentally get drunk because there are surges happening... Fairly close-ish together. Keep your phone close?" 

and to Kim:

 "can't decide if I want to stop this or encourage it. Getting in the tub to slow down" 

I was in the tub only a few minutes when the intensity picked up again. Kevin came in and timed a few surges. They were 2-3 minutes apart lasting a minute or more but because it was only 9pm and therefore not over an hour I still didn't want to call the midwife. I compromised and told Kim: 

"I think I may need you ... 3min apart lasting 50-80sec for half an hour. Trying to get Kevin to wait the hour and see but he's jumpy.... And they're getting intense for me to reassure him"

Then told Kevin I would call the midwife after Kim came and told me this was real. It could still be in my head, I needed someone (not Kevin) to tell me this was real. I also texted Nena who had apparently anticipated me and was already on her way back from her out-of-town reception. 

Kevin lit some candles and sat with me through a few more surges applying counter pressure to my back (which was suddenly in for the ride) and around the point I started needing to vocalize through the surges he called the midwife anyways even though I was still in denial. 

Kim showed up right as Kevin got off the phone and I remember complaining to her that the midwife would get there and check me and I would only be 3 centimetres and that would mean more checks later and I really didn't want to be checked at all so couldn't we have waited until I was more active? This was at about 10pm I think. 

Not long after the water in the tub just wasn't doing it for me anymore and, having resigned myself to getting a vaginal exam, I decided to get out of the tub and go to my bed to settle in where the midwife could do her assessment without moving me and I could try and sleep a bit when it turned out I was only 3cm. I was really convinced I was only at 3. 

But when I stood up everything got even more intense. I had to pee. No I had to poop. But I couldn't -No really I COULD NOT- sit on the toilet. 

My 'doula brain' thought: How many times have I insisted to my clients that the toilet was a great place to labour? Why had I said that? The toilet was an awful position to be in! With Kevin applying pressure to my back as I hovered over it backwards I was barely able to stand it long enough to push out a few drops of pee but much to my disappointment 'emptying' by bladder did nothing to relieve the suddenly constant pressure I was feeling. I'd been joking around only minutes before and suddenly I was pacing and muttering and for some reason apologizing profusely to Kim for no reason at all. I put my dress back on and fell into my bed on my side and moaned like a banshee through a few more surges praying for my butt to just fall off already. 

At some point in this the midwife got there. I told her something vaguely coherent about the pressure and I think I told her quite seriously that there was NO WAY it was the baby, I just had to poop. She asked if she could check and I agreed but wouldn't move to my back so she must have checked with me on my side. I don't remember feeling her check she just said 'No that's definitely your baby' and then something about a cervical lip but by the time she finished her sentence an uncontrollable grunt pushed its way through my body and was so loud to my ears I thought I must be roaring or something.

The spontaneous push did not feel good. My 'doula brain' quickly latched onto the midwife saying 'cervical lip' and tried to tell my primal brain not to push but my primal brain was like 'F*ck you this is happening'. 

I tried my best to keep breathing and vocalizing through each surge, I remember Kim telling me to 'slow it down, deep breaths, slow it down' but I just couldn't, the pressure was SO intense, at one point I asked the midwife to break my water (my 'doula brain' gasped in horror at the suggestion) but she just shook her head. Later she told me that the membranes were stretched so tight over baby's head that she wouldn't have been able to rupture them even if she'd wanted to. 

I remember at this point being really concerned that all of my begging for AROM and yell-moaning was going to wake Oliver in the next room but almost the moment I thought that someone told me that Nena had arrived and I was able to relax knowing that if Oliver woke up someone he trusted would be able to tell him what was happening and reassure him that his mother wasn't possessed, that writhing around on the bed yelling about pressure an butts falling off was a normal part of having a baby. 

Around that same time the second midwife showed up so my primary checked again to see if I was still grunt-pushing against cervix. I could have told her that I was still pushing against cervix. I could feel that lip with every uncontrollable grunt and my 'doula brain' was not at all happy about it but she was not in control. My primal brain was pushing, my body thought it was ready. The midwives then told me that I could either change positions to see if that helped or they could try and push the lip away with the next contraction. My primal brain, which was the one connected to my mouth, said 'no I can't move'. And my 'doula brain' threw up her hands in frustration. 

After just one surge baring down with the midwife trying to move my cervix primal brain caught up and realized her mistake (OUCH!) so I moved onto hands and knees. 

The second I got to my knees my membranes finally, mercifully, gloriously ruptured on their own but the relief was really short lived because with the next surge I yelled 'there he is!' and I felt his head, then for some reason second guessed myself and asked 'what is that!?' (I laugh at myself for this now. Of course it was him! What else would it be!?) with the next surge I felt his shoulders rotate and suddenly there he was. 

At 11:15pm The midwife guided him from my womb under my legs and up into my arms. I looked up at Kevin first as if to say 'holy f*ck that just happened'. Then down at my baby. 

The first thing I said after Oliver was born was 'oh my god look at all that hair!' and apparently I was expecting the same for this baby because the first words out if my mouth were 'where's all your hair!? You're bald!' And really I think the most shocking thing to me about Sullivan is how very different he is from Oliver. His pregnancy, birth, postpartum, appearance, temperament, everything is so very very different. I am a new mom all over again. 

I don't know where people get this idea that second or subsequent babies make you a 'seasoned' parent. I am 'seasoned' at parenting Oliver, but I've never parented this little guy before and I am learning everything fresh just like I did the first time. 

Anyways. Once the initial meeting was over I turned to lay back and rest him on my chest to hopefully get him nursing. The midwife asked if she could cut the cord and I said to leave it for now since it was long enough to bring him up to my chest. He bobbed and looked around and made a few moves in the direction of my breast but didn't seem ready to eat so we just rested and gazed at each other. 

A few minutes later I started to get uncomfortable and told the midwife I was ready to push the placenta so she clamped the cord and offered Kevin a cut. He said no and I jumped in and said I wanted to but I was shaking too much so I handed the scissors back to the midwife. As soon as that was done I pushed and coughed a few times to deliver the placenta. 

Needless to say after pushing against that cervical lip and how fast he came once I moved to hands and knees, and the previous perineal damage from Oliver's birth there were stitches to be had but its amazing how much less that part sucks when you're at home in your own bed and there aren't any nurses trying to take your baby away for 'assessments' or trying to tell you it will 'be more comfortable' to hold them once that's all done, or, in Oliver's case, whisking them off to NICU. I just snuggled in and loved on my new baby and chatted with my husband and my friends and occasionally asked the midwife for more freezing.  

After that because I was still bleeding a bit and Sullivan still wasn't latching I accepted a shot of synthetic oxytocin. God I hate that stuff. Immediately felt awful and the after pains got way worse but it did its job and soon I was ready to get up and get cleaned up while the midwives did the newborn check.  

8lbs 7oz, 20.5 inches long, great tone and colour, heart good, chest a bit mucous-y from the fast delivery but not enough to worry. 

Shortly after that the midwives snuck away to the other room to fill out their paperwork, Kevin and Nena cleaned up a bit while Kim (an IBCLC as well as my doula) helped me try a few tricks to get Sullivan latching. 

We knew going in that he would likely be tongue and lip tied like Oliver and even though Sully was sliding around and sucking air and doing all the worrying things Oliver did it felt amazing to have Kim there to reassure me that it would be ok and make a plan so I could stay confident. (That's all a different story for another day)

It was 3am by the time everyone packed up and went on their way and I drifted off to sleep with Sullivan while Kevin went to crawl in with Oliver for the rest of the night. 

My Spirited Child

Oliver; my spirited child
Photo Credit: Ali Lauren Creative Services

The term 'spirited' hadn't really entered my life until very recently. Before I had the term I had words like 'willful', 'quirky', 'difficult', 'high energy', 'particular' and 'Pain-in-my-ass'… Not very 'motherly' that last one but for real; anyone who has or has met a spirited child knows that they push you and sometimes no amount of flowery language will do. 

"The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is more. They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children. All children possess these characteristics, but spirited kids possess them with a depth and range not available to other children. Spirited kids are the Super Ball in a room full of rubber balls. Other kids bounce three feet off the ground. Every bounce for a spirited child hits the ceiling." - Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of 'Raising Your Spirited Child'

My son, Oliver, is spirited. Unlike what many have tried to suggest over the last few years he is not spirited because I held him too much or let him sleep in my bed; he isn't spirited because I don't use time-outs or force him to share or threaten him with consequences unrelated to his actions. On the flip side he isn't spirited because I didn't hold him enough, or removed him from the family bed too early, or because I am not the docile loving gentle parent we'd all like to be 100% of the time. He has ALWAYS been spirited. Only when he was a baby the word we used was 'high needs'. 

This is the hardest thing to acknowledge and accept when you start to realize that your child may not be just like any other kid his age, that he won't be easily cajoled or managed into things the way all of your friends kids seem to be, that the friendly tips your family share with you will never work for your child even if they've worked for two dozen others without fail, that he won't just take your word on anything from food to the direction of the park no matter how reasonable an argument you make or how many 'limited choices' you give him. When you start to realize that he is 'more' it's hard not to feel like they may actually be 'broken' in some way and because we live in a society which idolizes the 'good mother' and blames everything on the 'bad' one it's hard not to start wondering if they might be 'broken' because of something you did. 

I am starting to accept it now, though. Oliver is spirited. He has ALWAYS been spirited. This is who he is and he's NOT broken. He's occasionally a pain in my ass, but he's really truly not broken, and instead of feeling bad like something I did made him this way I should be proud of the person he is and will become. 

Spirited children have a lot of qualities that make them difficult to parent but those same qualities are ones that our society values quite a bit in adulthood: focus and determination, individuality and independence, assertiveness and leadership, creativity and confidence. But sometimes all of that determination, independence, assertiveness, creativity and confidence is being perceived by myself and the outside world as a stubborn, uncooperative, aggressive, mischievous, and entitled wild child; I often fear that underneath those perceptions the other qualities Oliver has like empathy, sensitivity and generosity are being missed. 

So I am starting to learn that the best way to parent my spirited child is to forget about immediate behaviour results and instead find ways to help Oliver channel his energy in positive ways. I need to stop comparing him to what other kids his age can manage and respect that he can handle some situations better than others. I need to let go of the pressure I feel from people on the outside to be in 'control' of my child's behaviour and allow him to live and learn while working on ways to set him up for success in his own way.

"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that she is exactly the person she is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, she just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be." -Joan Ryan 

For anyone else who may be wading (or drowning) in what it means to parent a spirited child gently I've compiled a short list of tips that have helped US live more harmoniously together. There are definitely bad days, there are definitely days where I panic that nothing seams to be 'working' and where not-so-helpful suggestions start to make me doubt myself. Nothing about raising kids is easy and with spirited children it's, well, MORE so. But there are also good days; days where he lets me in on moments of absolute joy and beauty at exactly the moment where I am most receptive to them, days where he has me in tears laughing with his wit and charm, and days where we just seem to click and tune into one another and I start to feel like maybe I am doing something right after all.

Energy: 

The most identifiable mark of a spirited child is their energy. It is seemingly never ending. But it does end at some point and when you get to the end of that energy their ability to cope with their big feelings is almost non-existent. The key is to find balance. 

Spirited kids need an outlet; if they're gross motor oriented like Oliver they need time to run, jump, swing, dance, climb, and yell. If they are fine motor oriented they need time to sort, draw, build, stir, scoop, squish and pinch. But it is also important to recognize where they get their energy from. 

You may have heard the terms 'introverted' and 'extroverted' before but I find many people don't really know what they mean. These terms basically describe where we get our energy from; if you are extroverted you get your energy from people around you and feel drained of energy when you are alone or lacking social stimuli for too long, if you are introverted you get your energy from being alone and feel drained of energy when around people for too long. It is the same for our children. Be sure they aren't spending too much time in situations that could be draining them of their energy and limiting their ability to cope with all the 'more' they have.

I find the best way to balance energy is to try and set a healthy rhythm of energetic release and restful energy recharging; every burst of energetic activity is followed by a mellow 'cooling down time' before starting to ramp up for another energetic activity. For Oliver, who is very social but undoubtedly an introvert, that also means making sure not to over-schedule his social calendar and planning for lots of quiet one-on-one time or recognizing and respecting when he doesn't feel like talking. 

Focus: 

I am often asked what the difference between a spirited child and a child with ADHD is and the short answer is focus. True ADHD means that the child receives stimuli from their environment the same way we all do but lack the ability to choose which of those stimulus is most important to focus on let alone focus on any one thing. A spirited child can and does focus on the most important stimulus, they just may not agree with you about which one is most important in any given moment, and once they're locked in there is no distracting/deterring/redirecting that can get them to let it go until they're ready. (I have a theory that many children diagnosed with ADHD by the educational system may actually be spirited children trapped in a school system that cannot meet their needs. but that's a personal opinion so moving right along…) 

When it comes to keeping the peace with a spirited child I find the best thing to do is to work with this focus as much as possible. If your child has trouble staying on the task you set out for him because he is too focused on the 'beat' of the dish washer it will not kill you to take a moment to show interest in what he's found before trying to lay out your task again, it may even allow you to tie your task in with your child's reality. (example from today: "Wow, that tree branch does look like a dragon's tale! Let's put on your viking boots and go check it out!") but most days you'll find it's easiest just to wait until their attention drifts back to you. Also try planning extra time around things like getting dressed in the morning or arriving at or leaving places so that you can give transitional warnings or count downs and don't feel pressured to rush them along. 

The transitional warnings or countdowns are important. I may have been exaggerating (but only a little) when I said that spirited kids will not let something go once they've focused on it. They will, some spirited children just need to be gently eased from one thing to another. There is no stressor greater to a spirited child (mine anyway) than sudden unexpected change. Talk things out, tell them what to expect, keep reminding, and be ready to reassure them if all the '2 more minutes' in the world won't ease the hurt of leaving the baked-goods section of the grocery store. or ya-know, whatever they're into that day. 

Independence: 

All kids have an independent streak at some point in their lives or several to some extent but, as is the definition we're working with here, spirited kids just seem to be 'more' independent. For me this is the hardest trait to cope with because massive amounts of independence for such a small child comes with equally massive amounts of mess, frustration, and tears (his and mine). I really push myself to recognize and accept when Oliver needs me to back off and on days when I am better at spotting this need we are both much happier. 

Set up your home to accommodate your spirited child at their age and stage. If you read any Montessori resources or blogs you'll find a lot of great ideas for doing this but here's my short list:
Step stools everywhere, only safe items within sight/reach, clothes where they can reach them and pick them, water cups where they can easily fill them, snacks within reach, and brooms and rags where they can get to them (because god forbid you step in to mop up the entire jug of milk he just tried to pour himself, that would be insulting.)

Also remember that everything you do within sight of your spirited child is fair game for them, think of ways they can help because spirited children are so independent that they actually reverse the usual parent-child helping relationship. Trust me, no matter how strong and capable you are, you need your spirited child's help. (or so i've been led to believe)

By making a lot of room in your life for this independence to blossom you will avoid power struggles and give your spirited kid the confidence, control, and responsibility they need to flourish. The word 'uncooperative' used to enter my vocabulary a lot when it came to Oliver but since letting go and respecting his need to do things (all the things!) for himself I have come to realize that he's just eager and independent and there's nothing wrong with that. 

On a more serious note this independence can get a bit scary when it comes to safety. Make sure that you have firm boundaries as to what they can and can't do for themselves. For example Oliver can walk ahead or behind me on the sidewalk but he MUST hold my hand to cross a street or parking lot or he will be carried. Spirited kids will resist these boundaries, they will test them repeatedly so stay close, practice lots, and make sure you are firm for as long as it takes for them to get into the habit. 

perceptiveness and sensitivity:

I often describe some of Oliver's 'quirks' to outsiders as 'sensory issues' since that's the buzz word that people seem to know. I am not discounting that this may actually be the case (we haven't 'officially' looked into it) but it is really common for spirited children to have a hard time coping with certain sensory stimuli. Because spirited children are 'more' perceptive and sensitive than most children it leaves them open to becoming easily overwhelmed. 

I come at this from two sides. First I try really hard to make sure that our home is comfortable for him. We keep radios and televisions on low when they are on but try to keep them off as much as possible, we make sure the lighting we choose is soft and non-irritating, we let Oliver pick clothing and bedding that pass his standards for being 'not scratchy', I only run the washer and dryer when he's sleeping or out of the house because the 'whirring' bothers him and I've stopped using scented products to clean our home or even for my own hygiene because I know it bothers him when things 'stink'. I want our home to be as comfortable for him as it is for us. But I am also working on helping him learn to cope with feeling overwhelmed. 

Here's the kicker to this one though: I may or may not be a little bit 'more' in this department as well so sometimes if there is a sound or smell or bad lighting situation that is overwhelming Oliver chances are it's setting me off as well. Sometimes the best I can hope for is to model an appropriate way to deal with the extra stress, other times I am able to walk him through it. We do a lot of deep breathing and humming, sometimes if we can we find a wall to put our backs on and close our eyes for a few minutes, or duck into a washroom or step outside for a breath of air. find out what seems to set your child off so you can avoid adding stress and come up with ways to cope (that are portable! that's important! this rarely happens at home in our controlled environment) that you can help your child with but that ultimately they will be able to use themselves when they need to. 

There are several other things that can make spirited kids tick, some of which may be surprising to you, I have only listed the ones that a) effect our family the most and b) I have come up with manageable solutions for coping with. If you are struggling, or just curious, I highly recommend the book quoted at the top of this post "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka for learning to better understand how you can help guide your child through the world being 'more'. In conclusion if all you come away from this post with is that your child is normal (in her own way) then I feel like I've gotten my point across. If you have experience raising spirited kids please comment below and lend some support for those of us who feel in over our heads half the time!  

The Night Before My Birthday - Book Review And Giveaway

"The moon will soon rise, and the sun has just set,

But it’s still not my birthday yet..."

My little guy, Oliver, loves birthdays. He just turned 3 in September and every week for the six months previous to it he asked incessantly about his party and who would be there and how old he would be and what we would eat. Every birthday party we attended for other children was met with ridiculous amounts of excitement and boisterous renditions of the 'Happy Birthday' song for days leading up and following. But really who could blame him? Who doesn't like birthdays and parties?

I am guessing Oliver's enthusiasm was something he got from me. Since he was born I've put a fair amount of effort into making sure that his birthdays have been special and have created a few traditions for our family to keep it interesting, like telling stories about my pregnancy and his birth or making only his favourite foods on that day. The most intentional tradition I started was to theme his birthday celebrations around our favourite books. His first birthday was a indoor picnic style lunch based on 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' by Eric Carly; His second a wild rumpus that would make Maurice Sendak, Author and illustrator of 'Where The Wild Things Are' very proud; and just this year we celebrated over cookies at an 'If You Give A Mouse A Cookie' party based on the book by Laura J Numeroff.  With the literary love showing through in our birthday celebrations I was quite Intrigued when I was approached by Joni Rubinstein about her book "The Night Before My Birthday" illustrated by Juana Martinez-Neal. 

"The Night Before My Birthday" was written in the spirit of creating family traditions to enhance the excitement and anticipation children seem to bounce with leading up to their birthdays and to highlight how special it is for the whole family to celebrate the birth of their cherished little members. It isn't an everyday book but meant to be read on the eve of the child's birthday as a special tradition. 

In order to write this review we were sent a hardcover keepsake copy of the book and since it was only a few weeks after Oliver's real birthday we totally cheated and read it a couple times (I have since put it away so that it will still be fresh and new and exciting in ten and a half months). When I asked Oliver what he liked best about the book he -of coarse- said that it was about birthdays but when I pressed a little further he seemed to really take to the page about dreams featuring a beautiful illustration of fluffy flying sheep:

"The moon will then rise and glow while I sleep, 

On white puffy clouds like fat fluffy sheep." 

He was also quite impressed by the fact that the book 'knew' he was three years old (The book is written with blank spaces where you can say the age your child is turning each year). 

My favourite part of the book is the extra keepsake pages in the back where you can record the date, your child's name and age, and who read the story that year. I like that there are lots of spaces provided so that many years from now I imagine I will be able to look back and remember several children having this book read to them on the eve of their birthdays. 

I also really appreciate that the images in this book feature families of many different backgrounds and make ups. The lack of diversity in the vast majority of children's literature out there is a whole other post for another day but needless to say the inclusiveness of this book makes me just that much happier to make it a part of our family's birthday traditions. 

This book would make an excellent gift for children of all ages and their family and if you order it from the website $1 of each purchase goes to direct aid and research charities which help children living with serious illnesses reach more birthdays. So really, there's no good reason why you don't need a copy!

Joni has generously offered to give away another copy to one of our readers as part of this review, please fill out the following wigit to gain up to 10 entries plus the chance to earn an entry per day until the contest closes. This contest is open to all and will remain open from today (11/12/2012) until Midnight on Sunday November 25th. The winner will be announced via the Connected Mom Facebook page on Monday November 26th and contacted via email. Good Luck!

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Montessori and Attachment Parenting

Oliver's first day of school

On one hand it would seem that Montessori education and attachment parenting fit together beautifully. Both respect the child as his own person above all else, both are inherently child-led, both value independence and self-direction/determination. For me, the leap from stay-at-home attachment parent to putting Oliver in a Montessori preschool program was a logical one.

While there are solid commonalities between Montessori and attachment parenting there are also differences. Yet to me some of these differences aren't quite so opposing as some may see on the surface but are, in fact, interconnected. For instance: independence and attachment.

For someone who's main focus is on independence it may be hard to see attachment behaviors as anything but dependence; in my reading I have come across the odd passage here and there to suggest Maria Montessori herself may have thought so too, this small quote in conclusion to thoughts on dependence of both adult and child made me squirm a bit in particular: “[...]An adult becomes a slave to such children. Even though child and adult have a deep understanding and affection for one another, they are ensnared in the same net.” (In fairness there are other passages in Maria Montessori's works to suggest a more attachment friendly world view, she's a hard woman to pin down on this issue.)

However as an attachment parent I firmly believe that true independence cannot exist without the solid base of secure attachment. When a child is free to experiment with independence at his own pace with the net of attachment to catch him when he falls or even just second guesses himself he has more freedom to take risks (an important part of learning), and more freedom from the great distractions of fear or anxiety. Respecting my child's independence (of which he has oodles) is a huge part of attachment parenting for me, the need for independence has to be met just  as the need for sleep or affection. In my opinion and experience forcing independence, or more accurately the allusion of independence, by discouraging attachment behaviors is counterproductive to that kind of respect.

So when it comes to separation anxiety; how does one balance the two methodologies? Many of the montessori materials I have read encourage what I call the 'clean break' method of making the transition to school. The child is nervous but mom or dad stay calm, say goodbye and leave while the teacher takes over reassuring the child. For parents, like myself, who have never turned our back to a crying child (unless it's to count to ten or stop a pot from boiling over, let's be reasonable here) the clean break feels absolutely wrong on every level. But I do believe that there is a valid argument for it even within attachment parenting theory.

As children grown their ability for attachment does as well. A newborn attaches to his primary caregiver, in Oliver's case he stayed in my arms a vast majority of the time, he nursed on demand from my breast, he woke and slept close to me so his cues could be recognized and responded to in a timely manner. As he grew he branched out, he started seeking out his father's face and presence like he sought mine and (eventually) came to trust that his father could be relied on to meet his needs just as I could and his attachment to his father strengthened. Now at almost three years of age he has secure attachments with several extended family members. Attachment parenting is not meant to happen in isolation and children should be encouraged to connect with their community. Leaving my child who is upset with a caregiver I am confident will provide him with consistent and loving care isn't 'anti-attachment', it is a difficult transition but one that most children adapt to fairly easily as they form connections with their teachers and learning environment.

However; sometimes children don't react well to the 'clean break'. Oliver was, to my surprise since he's always been so easy going and independent, one of those children and so it was time to put my ideas of how Montessori and attachment parenting can work together to the test. Despite the fact that Oliver was calming down and joining his class quite quickly after I left in the morning I started to notice that his anxiety was starting earlier and earlier before school started. What started as a bit of sadness when we said good-bye at the door turned into sadness as we rode the bus to school then into nervous questions about the coming day at the bus stop, then into frantic pleading that I not leave when the alarm clock went off in the morning. The clean break was not helping his anxiety, it seemed to be making things worse.

The most obvious answer to the problem presented here is that Oliver just isn't ready. To some extent I agree, he is excited to be at school he just isn't old enough to understand that school can still be fun even if Mommy isn't there to enjoy it with him. My first reaction was to pull him out and try again in six months or so but for me it wasn't so simple. Another key component to attachment parenting is balance and for me to juggle work I find fulfilling with being present, mindful, and compassionate as a parent regular time away from each other needs to happen, trying again in a few months is still an option but I would much rather find a way to help Oliver with the transition in a gentler way.

So as I write this I am sitting on a surprisingly comfortable waiting chair outside of Oliver's class room while he plays. Yesterday and this morning we have arrived early, sat and cuddled outside the room and allowed Oliver to make his own forays into the classroom. He hangs up his coat and runs back to make sure I am still here, he says hello to his classroom plant and runs back to make sure I am still here, he goes to see what his friends are working with and runs back to make sure I am still here. I hug him, reassure him, then explain that I have work to do, and so does he. At the bell there are still tears, his teacher still has to pull him in crying but the crying stops almost as soon as the door closes. He waves as he walks by to use the bathroom or go for outside time but stays in cue with the other children. Yesterday he asked at snack time if I was still out here and was happy with the answer that I was without feeling the need to check for himself. The initial separation is still hard, as it should be for his age and developmental stage, but the knowledge that I am here seems to be enough to quell the vast majority of his anxiety. After only a day under this arrangement he woke up excited to come and learn.

Some will ask how long I plan to keep this up, if I am not encouraging dependence by 'giving in' and remaining near by. The answer certainly isn't definite. My knowledge of my child tells me that sometime early next week I will be able to tell him I am stepping out for a little while and he will be ok with it, but prior to this my knowledge of my child would have told me he'd joyfully embrace the independence in the first place so really, who knows. I do know that attachment is about relationships and relationships, as I've mentioned, have to be balanced. As much as I want and need this time away I also need to recognize that my child still needs me. Not because he's 'dependent' but because he's three and this is an experience very different from anything he's done before. I am willing to go slowly, I am willing to work with him and his teacher (who, by the way, had been so fantastic about all this) to lessen his anxiety, I am willing to meet him half way. Is it what Maria Montessori would have done? Maybe not, but Maria Montessori isn't Oliver's mom and our end goals are the same: a free and self directed child who is eager to learn.

The Simple Boxcar: Bring Nick Home

When Ani of The Simple Boxcar asked us if we would be interested in hosting a feature post for her I jumped at the chance. For anyone not familiar with Ani’s story; she is single, naturally minded, home-schooling mom to Nick. Nick has been removed from his mother’s care on false allegations and kept through loopholes in state law because of Ani's 'alternative' lifestyle and parenting choices. You can read all about what is happening in Ani’s own words HERE.  

I started following Ani on twitter just about two years ago, I felt there were a number of things we connected over, what originally drew me was our mutual interest in the art of living simply. I also appreciated Ani’s wit and her willingness to share, discuss, and defend her political and/or spiritual views in a way that both challenges and delights me. I was awed and inspired by her ability to create the life she wanted, to stay at home to educate her son, Nick, to follow her passions, to live simply and harmoniously without the support of a partner or extended family.

Her strength is simply magic. Despite the absolute nightmare she is living through she is still working and creating, still fighting for little things-small details to bring Nick as much joy as she can during the limited visitations they have. She has not forgotten her faith, she has not deterred in her commitment to doing what’s right for her family. I am so happy to be supporting her as much as I can, I am proud to call her a friend.

Currently Ani is raising funds to hire a private attorney who will be able to give Nick’s case the attention it deserves. Part of her plan to do that is her Etsy shop, The Simple Boxcar, here you can find all manner of lovely knitted items from scarves and hats to washcloths to dolls to yoga bags and, my personal favourite, these fabulous barefoot sandals (I like to call them festival footies because they are absolutely perfect for the grassy dance floors of outdoor music festivals):

The yarn Ani crafted these out of is so soft and the colours are so beautiful and vibrant and perfect I literally squealed when they arrived in my mail box. I love that there is a lot of extra material in the ties to give you a few style options, and the quality of the yarn makes them so comfortable even if (like me) you don’t always like the feeling of fabric around your toes. If you’re not really into going barefoot these can be used to fancy up plain ballet flats or worn on your hands.

This is what happens when you try to do a photo-shoot at nap time

Ani sent me this pair free of charge so that I could tell you all about them and I think the highest praise I can give is to say that I just placed another order for a beautiful cowl for fall and winter.

As well as supporting Ani’s shop I have also sent her a small donation through the paypal buttons on her blog, and I’ve signed the change.org petition that has been set up urging the state to right the wrong that has been done here. All parents deserve the right to make decisions for their children without the threat of actions like these and all families, no matter what size, shape, or colour, deserve to be supported in whatever decisions they make. 

Please Support Ani to bring Nick home in whatever way you can, shop her Etsy store, send a donation, send her kind words and prayers, share her story with your networks. Thank you!

Open Letter To Mainstream Media

Dear Mainstream Media;

I am not being oppressed by my parenting style. Thanks for your concern but you are missing a key piece of the story. You see; I am not solely responsible for building and maintaining my child's sense of attachment.

If I were I would most certainly find the weight of such a responsibility oppressive; I may even find the idea of shouldering that responsibility impossible. I may laugh or rage or otherwise dismiss it entirely. Instead I embrace the piece of mind that comes of following my child's cues with my heart and my instinct because I don't have to do it alone.

My son has a secure emotional attachment to me. My son is also attached to his father. He is attached to his grandparents. He is attached to his aunt and his uncle. He is attached to his other caretakers who all accept that they have a role to play in meeting his needs. He trusts these people to meet his needs because, though we have all made mistakes, he knows we have never failed to love him. I trust these people because, while mistakes are always a part of life and relationships, they have never failed to love me.

He has a village. I have a village. We have a village of people who love us, who trust us as much as we trust them, and who support us in every way they can without question or condition.

This kind of community is so rare in the culture we currently live in that it seems you can’t even imagine what it is like. You feed us images of strong women with headlines designed to imply competition, you feed the resulting public take down of strong women by releasing article after article about her body and her dress, you debate my status and power within my community on daytime talk shows, you create within the public awareness the illusion of ‘good mom’ and ‘bad mom’ and pit them against each other.

Your point is quite clear; if you can’t parent this way you aren’t enough, if you can you are either oppressed or an extremist. In your sphere there is no win for any woman. The point you are missing is all the ways our culture is failing our children, is failing women, and men, failing families. The story you are missing is how we could be doing more to support all families to make choices based on what they feel is right and not what is necessary to measure up to your standards.   

Attachment parenting isn't about mothers. It's about families and it's about community. By continually dismissing and denying the roll that other family and community members have to play in attachment parenting and child rearing in general it is you who are adding unneeded shame, guilt and stress onto women. 

Please stop.

Sincerely;

Julian: Feminist & Attachment Parent

Talking To Kids About Sexual Health

I got into a pretty interesting debate a few weeks ago about teens and sex, more specifically birth control and whether or not it should be available to teens without parental permission. I am not going to go too far into that debate right now but I would like to touch on a subject that came up during this debate regarding sex education.

For the record I whole heartedly believe that teens NEED to have access to birth control and information about sexual health in order to stay safe, and I believe that forcing kids to seek parental permission limits their access to these resources. Would I like my teens to come to me to discuss these things? Of course, but I accept the fact that they may not feel comfortable doing so.

That being said, the person on the other side of this debate brought up a fair point: Can you really expect a teenager to have enough awareness and reasoning skills to make an informed decision about their medical care?

My basic answer is that if a teen has enough information and initiative to seek birth control before having intercourse they probably have a good understanding of the stakes they are dealing with. My longer answer is that we cannot and should not leave the answer to this question up to chance.

Will my teenagers come to me to talk about their sexual health? Maybe, maybe not. Will I take the time to sit down with them and talk about sexual health? Absolutely. And not just once, not when they reach a certain age, not with partial information or half truths designed to ‘shield’ them from reality or ‘avoid temptation’. Right now my son is 2 ½ years old, and I have already started this process. If he doesn’t choose to talk to me about this stuff as a teenager, I will at least know that he does in fact have the information he needs to make good decisions and I hope that I will have the faith needed to trust him to do so whether I am there with him or not.

Some of you may be asking yourself what I could possibly be teaching a toddler about sex. Right now we focus a lot on using proper names for body parts. There are no cutesy nick names here. Not only is this an important part of creating open and trusting communication about these issues but many advocacy groups maintain that children who know the proper names for all their body parts are less likely to be sexually abused in their life time. I am also very careful to take all of my son’s questions seriously and provide clear answers as much as possible. Because I am a labour doula my son has a lot of questions about what I do when I am away and ‘going to help a baby’ just doesn’t seem to cut it all the time so we watch birth videos, we talk about how babies grow in their mother’s uterus which is in their tummy and when the time comes the mother needs lots of love and support as she works really hard to bring baby out. We talk about breastfeeding, about how women have breasts that make milk for their babies and men don’t.

We also talk a lot about personal space. About how we need permission to touch other people and we teach that no means no. We don’t only talk about these things, we practice them. When my son doesn’t want to be picked up, we do not pick him up, when I am feeling too touched out to nurse him, I explain that my body is my own and he can ask me again in a little while. When we play tickle games or any other kind of rough housing we routinely check in with each other to make sure everyone is having fun and when someone says ‘stop’ we stop, no questions asked. This may not seem like sex education to everyone, but I believe that a healthy sex life starts with being empowered and expecting nothing less than respect for your autonomy. And in a culture that tries to tell us that victims invite assault by dressing and acting certain ways I want to make for damn sure my children know that people make decisions for their own bodies and that ‘No’ means ‘No’ even if you're 'just playing', even if 'they said yes before', even if  they 'thought it was part of the game', no.matter.what.

As my son gets older I will continue to answer all of his questions honestly, we will continue to teach him that his body is his own. We will continue to talk about anatomy, not only his own, but also that of the opposite sex. We will talk about gender. We will talk about attraction. We will talk about love. We will talk about health. We will talk about responsibility. We will talk about these things as they come up, not as one sit down serious talk but as a series of discussions over the course of his life. So that when the time comes, and he is faced with decisions he may not feel comfortable coming to us with, he will at least have a lifetime of lessons to draw on to make decisions for himself.

Of course, my plans to educate my own child does not mean that every teenager seeking birth control will have as much information or as much support. Not every parent is equipped or willing to take this kind of proactive approach. So the question remains, even if I’ve prepared MY teenager to make informed decisions about his sexual health, does every teenager possess the awareness and reasoning to make these decisions without a parent’s permission?

That’s a tough question to answer. By and large I don’t think teens are given much credit, we are so filled with dread over stories of rebellious teens and all of the ‘trouble’ we got into when we ourselves were teens that imagining your own child as a teen can be terrifying. But in my experience, teenagers are just people, some are more responsible than others, some are more impulsive than others, but they are all at their core good people. They are not aliens from outer space who speak a totally different language, there is no secret method of management one needs to learn to ‘handle’ them. They are people, on the cusp of being self sufficient and functioning members of society.

If we as a society have not come together to ensure that these kids can make important decisions for themselves by the time they’re getting a drivers license or their first job then we have failed them. End of story. Where some would argue that we need to restrict access to sexual health services until the knowledge fairy comes on a kid’s 18^th birthday to magically implant the wisdom to make informed choices, I would argue that we need to make sure every child in our society is given an honest and comprehensive health education so that when someone asks ‘Does a teenager in your community possess the awareness and reasoning to make decisions about their health’ the answer can always be ‘yes’.

Where Have All The Kids Gone?

When I was a kid I spent a LOT of time outside. We lived in the city, first in a neighbourhood that wasn’t exactly your ideal white-picket-fence-attached-garage kind of affair, then in a neighbourhood that was neither good nor terribly bad, then later in a really nice quiet one. But that doesn’t really matter. No matter where we lived I spent a LOT of time outside doing whatever I felt like doing in a completely undirected manner.

When my husband was a kid he spent what sounds like ALL of his time outside. He and his family lived in a good neighbourhood with lots of kids through his entire childhood and owned a cabin where they spent most of their summers. No matter where they were he spent nearly ALL of his time outside. He fished, rode his bike, helped his dad do work on the property and just generally milled about.

Neither my husband nor I spent this time outdoors completely alone. We spent it with other kids in the neighbourhood. We got up in the morning, hastily gobbled our breakfast then made a break for it to see who was already out. If no one was out we would start knocking on doors. Last week we went on a little walking tour of my husband’s old neighbourhood and thirty years later he can still remember which kids lived in which house and who had the fastest bike or the best stocked snack cupboard. I could probably do the same in my old neighborhoods as well.

When we found out I was pregnant with my son, Oliver, and were looking for a place to live we settled on an apartment close to parks and schools in a neighbourhood where many young families were living. Not because it is a particularly nice apartment, but because our old apartment (which was way nicer) was home to mostly young childless hipsters and backed onto a hospital parking lot. Not exactly a great place for our child to roam free and make friends. But as Oliver gets bigger and our wandering range grows with him I am starting to realize that making friends with the kids in this neighbourhood isn’t going to be as easy for him as I would have thought.

Oliver and I walk everyday, rain, snow, or shine. We meander along at toddler pace looking at rocks and trees and animal footprints; we have several different routs all of which lead through quiet cul-de-sacs, school yards, and public parks. We have been doing this since last summer, over six months, and we have yet to meet any of the kids who live around here. We see evidence of children; snowy footprints leading to and from school and giant family vehicles full of booster seats sitting in drive ways, but we never actually see any children. No street hockey, no bikes, no swing races, no secret forts, nothing.

Where are all the kids?

This question keeps me awake at night, because more than being kind of disappointed that my son hasn’t made any friends in the neighbourhood yet I wonder what this next generation of kids who don’t play outside is going to be like when they are running the show. Surely a generation completely disconnected from the outdoors doesn’t bode well for the health of the environment. A generation of children raised in front of screens and the media onslaught that goes with them can’t be healthy, can they? Can a generation of children who know only the competition of organized sports and not the quiet synchronicity of nature be able to embrace peace and care for their communities? What happens when a generation of kids who have never spent a single moment without adult management and supervision are suddenly in charge of the nursing home I end up in?

Even more I wonder WHY these kids aren’t outside.

The answer cannot be as simple as ‘video games’. I will concede that kid directed media is part of the issue but I am also going to point out that kids with video games also have parents, and I would hope that at least some of those parents don’t allow their kids to spend ALL of their time in front of their games.

I don’t even think the blame is in organized activities. There is definitely a trend towards over scheduling kids these days but I find it hard to believe that every single child in my neighbourhood is completely booked up with extra-curricular activities every single day of the week.   

It could be homework. I was absolutely shocked when my niece, now 10, brought homework with her to stay with me over a weekend when she was only 7. She goes to a public school for six hours a day during which she was expected to sit still and concentrate, and then they wanted her to do even more busy work on the weekend!? What a total crock! But for every kid that does this homework there has to be a number who blow it off and do their own thing anyways right? I certainly hope so.

To be completely honest though, I think all of these things are symptoms of the same problem. People like their kids to have homework and organized sports and video games because it makes them easy to supervise. The reason everyone wants their kids to be easy to supervise is fear.

Fear of the ‘stranger danger’ boogey man. Fear of loss or injury. Fear of looking like a bad parent; of the parenting police coming to take your children away if you make choices that are not in the main stream. Fear of screwing up your kids. Fear of losing control.

Maybe some of these fears are valid concerns, I am not suggesting that we simply stop caring about the well being of our children, but I am suggesting that constantly supervising and micromanaging their activities is maybe not the best way to go about alleviating those fears.

I am suggesting that we need to teach our children to make good choices and then trust them to do that even when we’re not around to make sure they do, we need to think about the life lessons our children are missing out on when they don’t get to roam free and make connections with other kids (without your help), we need to ignore the sanctimonious glares of less confident parents at play group and make empowered decisions for our own families. We need to throw open the kitchen door and tell our kids to get off their butts, make their own fun, and not come back until the street lights come on unless they have a problem.

While my own son is admittedly not at this stage yet I am already finding ways for him to explore his independence. I let him trail behind or run ahead a ways when we are out walking, I don’t insert myself in his play unless he asks me to and I make a lot of room in our lives for free play at home and out of doors, I let him get hurt sometimes, I give him space to do things for himself, and when a fenced yard is available to us (we don’t have one of our own unfortunately) I let him play with only intermittent supervision. But if you are still feeling unsure about allowing your child free play outside in your neighbourhood here are a few safety suggestions that may put your mind at ease:

1) Establish reasonable boundaries: Where a toddler or preschooler may be able to find hours upon hours worth of fun in a small fenced yard, older children may tire quite quickly of the same-old same-old and find themselves right back in front of the television in search of stimulation. I think it is important to let a child’s boundaries grow with them. An older child will want to break out of the yard and explore his home street, a year or two later walking known routs to parks or friend’s houses is perfectly reasonable, a preteen should be geographically adept enough not to get lost in a boundary of blocks and blocks. And your teenager, well once they learn to drive and realize they are independent people you pretty much don’t have a say anyways so unless you plan to chain them up in your basement you may feel better about them having practice being free-range before that particular milestone.

These boundaries depend a lot on your individual child, some six year olds are more responsible than others just as some adults are more responsible than others, but make sure you are giving your children enough opportunity to demonstrate their competence and that they understand and agree with their set boundaries.

2) Regular check-ins: If your child can read time give them a watch and ask them to come say ‘hi’ at set times throughout their time out doors or give them environmental cues like a local church bell or regular delivery service. If your child is not old enough to read time chances are they will be nearby anyways so you can always peak out the door or window occasionally to make sure they’re still playing happily.

3) Decide on a password: Have your child pick a special word that is just between you. If your child is approached by an adult (ANY adult. A stranger or someone they know.) have your child to ask for the password. If you have not OKayed that adult they will not know this secret word and your child should know to come and get you right away.  My password was ‘poopy diapers’ and it was so well established by my mother that I once refused to let my own father drive me home from school because that wasn’t our routine and he couldn’t remember mine and Mom’s password.

4) The buddy system: Two tiny heads are generally better than one. I can’t count the number of times I watched out for younger siblings and other kids, and my siblings and other kids from our neighbourhood looked out for me. If something does happen like a child is hurt or about to make a really poor personal safety decision there is another pair of legs to run home for help (or another voice to second the poor personal safety decision, but really, who didn’t twist their ankle or break an arm trying to fly from tree top to tree top as a kid!?).Either way, finding your kid a friend/side-kick can help alleviate a little anxiety you may have.

5) Be available: Just to be clear, while I think unsupervised child-directed time outdoors is a right of passage, I am by no means suggesting you say good riddance at the door. Your children need to know that you are there for them if they happen to have a problem and they need to have a safe place to come home to. In short you need to be available.

In my opinion the kind of free-range childhood that I am suggesting does not work without a strong parent-child attachment. If your child is going to be unwilling to tell you things because they don’t want to be punished, don’t feel they will be listened to, accepted, and loved unconditionally no matter what it leaves room for dangerous situations to go unreported and overlooked. If your child has been taught through common punitive forms of discipline that they have no power, or that right and wrong can be dictated to them by anyone bigger than they are, there is room for manipulation. I will even go as far as to suggest that without a strong attachment, spending a lot of time outside alone may feel to the child more like abandonment than freedom. I will also say that while unsupervised and undirected time to play is important, our children also like to spend time with us so if they ask you to play, be available.  

In whatever way you can, whether you are willing to try giving your kids unsupervised time outside or not. Just get your kids outside as much as you can because my outside loving child and I are getting kind of lonely out here! 

The Case Against Swaddling

My very content un-swaddled newborn baby

When my son was born just over 2 years ago now, I remember being rather annoyed that every time the nurses brought my son back to me after tests and treatments (We were hospitalized for 5 days due to a placental infection not diagnosed until the birth) he was bound tightly in hospital issue receiving blankets. At the time I didn’t know why I was annoyed, it just seemed wrong that each time I would have to rescue my tiny grunting struggling son from his flannel burrito and spend the next 5-10 minutes calming him down enough to breastfeed.

‘Don’t un-wrap him’ one nurse told me. ‘They like it, it feels like the womb, he’ll settle.’

I looked down at my grunting, grimacing, rooting baby and then back up at her with disbelief. My son HATED the swaddle. In fact, my son hated anything that didn’t involve being skin to skin with a boob in his mouth. Yet each and every nurse would tell me how much babies like to be swaddled, about how it was comforting and would help him adjust to being on the outside. All of these praises made me feel kind of dumb, made me feel like there might be something wrong with my baby because he so obviously didn’t like their magical blankets one tiny bit. As I said before it was just kind of annoying.

When we finally got home and settled in I promptly forgot about the whole thing. Needless to say we never swaddled him again. Life went on.

More recently I found myself thinking about this again when I was watching a friend struggle to wrap her flailing infant as tightly as she could because ‘the nurses said it would help him settle’. I thought about how much my own baby hated it, and about how the more newborns I see swaddled the less I believe that any of them like it half as much as everyone says they do, and I started wondering where health care provider’s knowledge of it's wonderful benefits were coming from since every actual parent I’ve heard talk about it reports that their baby wasn’t really all that impressed by it.

So I did a little research. As it turns out there are, as far as I can see, far more reasons NOT to swaddle a newborn then there are reasons TOO do it.

Reasons to swaddle: Tightness is “womb-like” making baby feel content and keeping them from startling resulting in longer periods of sleep.

Reasons not to swaddle:

1) Keeps baby from startling – When we remember that the startle reflex is a survival mechanism which help infants to wake up and alert their parents if something is wrong. (Like falling out of a tree or forgetting to breath) Then logically it seems like a bad idea to intentionally subdue that reflex. As a parent the idea of it makes me really uncomfortable. Sure babies do sometimes startle when there is nothing wrong, but I will take a few false startles as a comfort that my baby will wake up if something is actually wrong. I should mention, however, that the scientific jury is still out on this one.

I have found two similar studies done on the effects of swaddling on the startle reflex here and here that come to two different conclusions. One recognizes the inhibition of startle reflex but asserts that this poses no risk for SIDS (This study used a swaddle method that did not limit mobility of the infant’s legs, which is interesting.), while the other shows a big difference in arousal responses of infants who are routinely swaddled vs those who are not and suggests that further study is needed on what this means for SIDS risk.

2) Not entirely all that womb-like – Aside from the snug fit, a swaddling blanket is nothing like the womb, it isn’t always the perfect temperature (see next point), it doesn’t have a heartbeat or comforting voice, it has no means of providing nutrients.

3) Possibility of overheating – Human infants are born quite helpless, we all know this. They cannot walk, feed themselves, or do their own (never ending) laundry. They also aren’t very good at regulating their own body temperature. When an infant becomes too hot, which could happen in a tight swaddle in thick blankets, they are at risk for apnea. The most natural way for an infant to maintain a proper temperature is through direct contact with a parent or caregiver. (see link in point 5)

4) Hip Dysplasia – The standard super tight burrito swaddle that the nurses at our hospital raved about can often result in an infant spending a lot of time with their legs incorrectly positioned causing problems in the hip joints not unlike the effects of improper babywearing. While no extensive large scale studies have been carried out on the effects of swaddling on hip joint development there is still evidence to show the correlation. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/121/1/177.full

5) Limits tactile stimulation – Since an infant in a swaddle is so tightly wrapped in so many layers of fabric it limits the stimulation of a caregivers touch. Since physical contact is so important for bonding, breastfeeding, and for an infant to self regulate body heat, heart rate, and other biological systems, it may not be such a good idea for an infant to spend too much time wrapped up in this way. http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/jack_newman2.html

6) Could potentially interfere with breastfeeding – In the early days a swaddled baby who enjoys being swaddled may rouse less often and therefore spend less time at the breast, this can lead to a higher incidence of jaundice and weight loss in newborns. A swaddle also prevents a newborn from displaying early signs of hunger like trying to get their hands in their mouth. In the very early days and weeks when learning cues and communication is still in progress limiting these early cues could potentially cause feeding problems. Limiting direct contact between mother and baby could also have an effect on milk supply. http://www.nancymohrbacher.com/blog/2010/12/3/rethinking-swaddling.html

7) Interferes with Elimination Communication - If you are planning to use natural infant hygiene with your infant, a tight swaddle will also limit your newborns ability to communicate elimination cues and your ability to acknowledge eliminations quickly.

There was, of course, no mention of any of this when my son was born and constantly being brought to me tied up in his flannel prison of sadness; only insistence that babies love to be swaddled when my baby so obviously did not. My instincts told me that the swaddle wasn’t right for us and I am happy I listened to them because knowing what I know now about it I would have been a lot more adamant that the hospital staff stop doing it.

I am, of course, not suggesting that no one should swaddle their infants ever. If your baby seems to enjoy playing cabbage roll then by all means don’t eliminate the practice from your repertoire completely. However I would say that the points above are very good reasons to limit the time an infant spends in a swaddle. All of the benefits of a tight swaddle can be achieved in other ways that do not pose the same potential risks. A good tummy to tummy hold in a sling or wrap for instance. So if you have the option to wear your baby, or have a family member spend some skin to skin time with your baby then why not do that instead when you can?

What I am saying is that swaddling really isn’t the magical cure all that many of us are led to believe and there is absolutely no harm in leaving it out of your life if that’s what you want to do. There is certainly nothing wrong with a baby who doesn’t enjoy it, so don’t feel bad when you quickly un-wrap your newborn the second a caregiver hands them to you.