Remembering Dr. Maya Angelou, Mom-spiration

Not enough can be said about Dr. Maya Angelou and the impact she had upon the world and particularly this country in her 86 years of living.  She led a rich, full life and was an activist, actor, singer, dancer, writer, speaker, poet, teacher. ..the list goes on and on.  She was also a mom.  A mom who once wrote that "[t]he birth of my son caused me to develop enough courage to invent my life" (Letter to My Daughter).  It's pretty safe to say that Dr. Angelou was never fated to live an ordinary life, and by the time she was 42, she had already been an activist with the Civil Rights movement (working with both Malcolm X and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), traveled the world as an actor, worked in foreign countries, raised a son who was then a man who was 25 years old, and led a very full life.  What she had not yet done was publish I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings, the work she is now most famous for.  Had she not published that book and the many she would go on to publish afterwards and taken full advantage of the opportunities that arose from them, it is likely that while she would have been a rich person in history and a colorful friend/mentor to those lucky enough to be around her, she would not be the iconic voice of wisdom that she became and that we lost last week.  It is awe-inspiring to me that much of her success was due, she believed, to her experience of raising her son, Guy.

Much is made of the way motherhood takes us "away" from who we are and what we want to accomplish.  We do "sacrifice" a lot, particularly to the early years of parenting, however, there is also inspiration and motivation and reinvention inherent in being a mother that was, perhaps, too emphasized in the past and not mentioned enough now.  Now that we know how many years we were fated to have Dr. Angelou, I suppose it is only natural to wonder how much better off we all might have been if we could have had those first 42 years she spent with a semi-private life (I mean, how private can I really call the life of a performer and dedicated humanitarian and civil rights activist?).  However, much of those years were spent experiencing what would become the material for her writing and her life's work. She was raising her son into manhood, and she was also raising herself beyond the limitations she never knew she had placed on herself before learning who she really wanted and deserved to be (and also who Guy deserved her to be).

I wonder if, during those years, she felt many of the frustrations I feel as a mother of young children.  How many books did she compose in her head only to lack the time to write them down?  How much of her wise counsel to the world was lost in  a world of scraped knees, stomachaches, and sleepless nights?  I can't even seem to get my weekly blog done on time, not from lack of ideas, but from lack of opportunity to get my ideas down.  Entire novels have been born, flourished, and died from lack of time (and increasingly) lack of talent.  My fiction skills are rusty from lack of use.  The metaphorical number two pencil in my brain has a cracking, dried eraser and a broken tip.   I am not comparing myself to Dr. Angelou who clearly surpasses me in all things, but I am drawing a parallel between the life a woman leads while parenting young children and the life she can lead once her children are grown.  I don't think Dr. Angelou would disagree with me as she writes in one of her autobiographies, it was only after her son grew up and said to her, "I love you, Mom.  Maybe now you'll have a chance to grow up" (The Heart of a Woman) that she felt released to really focus solely who she wanted to be and what she wanted to accomplish (much of which was for the benefit of us all).

The truth is that Dr. Angelou might have been able to be more productive (incredible thought!  a woman who was so productive could have produced even more!) had she never been a mother, but who she was and what she had to say might not have been as wise.  She let being a mother not only define her, but also refine her into the woman we would all grow to love after she was in her forties.  I am no Dr. Angelou, but I am inspired by her.  I know there are women out there who do it all and I am inspired by them, too, but I'll bet if I talked to those who I think are "doing it all," I will learn that they feel that they are not doing everything as well as they would like, either.  I do not know how much time I will have on this earth and if I had to make a choice between raising my young sons or honing my skills into be a great writer, I will choose my sons because the experiences I am having raising them and learning from them are making me a better person and (I hope) making them better people, too.  However, it is my hope that I am not choosing one over the other, but rather choosing one first and then the other.  I am taking the chance that while my skills may be getting rusty that I am keeping as sharp as I can with the writing I do manage to accomplish (as flawed and rife with embarrassing typos such as it is) and, more importantly, I am using my experience as a mother to grow as a human being and to develop a wiser, kinder, and sharper mind.  God willing, I, too, will have a second act in me and I will get all of the cobwebs and dust out of my mind and begin to write again perhaps better than I ever did before because of all my sons and family have given me to experience.  Not all of us can be a Dr. Angelou, but all of us can learn and be inspired by her and the way she used motherhood to inspire her to be a better person.

Rest in peace, Dr. Angelou.  You were a mother, friend, and teacher to us all.
Thanks for reading,
Shawna

To the "New Moms on the Fence About Breastfeeding"

This evening I came across a piece titled "6 Reasons to STOP Breastfeeding," and while I hate to give it any additional traffic, I feel compelled to respond.  I acknowledge there are plenty of legitimate reasons many women have for not breastfeeding, either by biological force or by choice, but I cannot get behind any of the ones provided in the manner that they are presented in this article.  However, despite being in complete disagreement with her rationale, I have no problem with one woman declaring this list as it applies to her own life that I'm not living.  It saddens me a little bit, but in no way angers me that one mother may make these choices for herself and her children.  What I do find infuriating and somewhat dangerous is the closing statement, "I'm writing this for all the new moms out there who are on the fence about breastfeeding. I think there are plenty of real, but non-medical reasons to stop breastfeeding. And, they're valid reasons, at least in my opinion."

As I've already admitted, no, I don't think these reasons are valid, and addressing new mothers with such brazen complacency, acting like this is the solution to every frustrated mother's problems is astonishing.  Again, if these are issues/solutions for her - so be it.  Many would say there are ways around most of them, but I'm not here to speak to the woman that wrote that piece and tell her how to live her life.  I would like to address the same group of "new moms out there who are on the fence about breastfeeding." 

My daughter is 2.5 years old.  As I've discussed before, we did not have an easy start to our nursing relationship with her in the NICU and myself recovering from a c-section, but we persevered.  I am a stay at home mom to one child and I am fully aware of the luxuries that affords me when it comes to nursing.  My daughter was exclusively breastfed until just under 8 months, and I don't think I've touched my pump since she was 4 months old. So I fully grasp the kind of commitment this woman is referring to.  She still nurses at least 5 times a day, but I will be the first to say that if I was working full time, I do not think I would've stuck with it so far beyond that first year.  That, like the decision every other mom makes when it comes to breastfeeding, would be my choice and I'm not here to condemn anyone for choosing differently.  Again, I understand there are plenty of women who may not be physically capable, or arrangements with employment make it too difficult, or any number of other things that may deter achieving a successful breastfeeding relationship.  This is for the women who are able to nurse, but are still unsure about the impact it will have on their life. 

After reading the article above, I had the overwhelming urge to say one thing to those very same women she was speaking to.  It is such a SMALL portion of your life together with your child, and it means so very, very much.  When I'm 70 and my daughter is 36, this time in our lives will be nothing but a blink of an eye.  And I don't even have to wait that long.  On a day to day basis can the sleep deprivation and demands of being a mother make some days seem longer than others?  Of course they can, but other days I cannot even fathom that 2.5 years have already gone by.  Do I miss partying and doing what I please without consequence?  Hell yeah!  And believe me, a large glass filled with nothing but 3 shots of Jack Daniels used to be my drink of choice, so I'm well versed in the bar hopping lifestyle.  But that was what I did in my 20's, and now is the time that I'm spending growing and nourishing my child (hopefully children one day).  I guess I've always felt like parenting was more about self-sacrifice in the name of your child's best interest.  And while I'm certain sacrifices will continue to be made throughout her life into adulthood, I know that my daughter will not always require the level of commitment that she does now, and one day, a day that will come all too quickly, I will long for these days of incomparable intimacy with her.  The days when I can still pull her close and nurse her and have that connection with her.  There is really nothing like it, and nothing that would deter me from doing it again for as long as I could if we had another child.  I will never be able to get this time back, or have another chance to have such a tremendous impact on the overall health and emotional well being of my child.  When my body is finished making and nourishing babies, then I'll worry about appearances.  But even then, I wouldn't trade in my stretch marks or breasts that are no longer what they once were for anything, because they helped make the one thing that is the most beautiful thing in my world.

My First Nurse-In

Oliver nursing while I visit with another supporter. (photo credit: Kim Smith)

Oliver and I attended our first ever nurse-in on Saturday. While it was absolutely appalling to me that such activism was needed in my community I was really quite happy to unite with other local families to defend our babies' right to nurse whenever and wherever they need to.

The story goes like this: last Wednesday a DJ from a local rock radio station posted on the station's Facebook page that one of his Facebook friends had posted images of herself breastfeeding which I guess made him uncomfortable or something. His exact words were "[...]That's a major Facebook Faux Pas! Kind of like breast feeding at the mall, it's just not something you should do." Not surprisingly, as ignorance tends to fester & multiply onto itself like mold, other fans of the station jumped into the attack on women and babies while the small but fierce local breastfeeding community tried tirelessly to educate and put an end to the public shaming of this radio DJ's 'friend'.

The next day, instead of apologizing for his behavior and letting the matter drop, the DJ talked about the incident on air, repeating his thoughts about breastfeeding on Facebook and in malls while adding repeatedly that women should cover up or leave public spaces to breastfeed and allowing callers to add even more negativity while airing only one of the many phone calls, texts, and emails from the many breastfeeding supporters who tuned in to defend nursing in public.

Even more astounding is that even after talks of a nurse-in had started and the outrage grew louder from the parenting community, the station brought up the matter AGAIN online and on air, while I have not heard the third attack, I've been told that the segment is sans apology or admission they are in the wrong.

Seriously. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

The whole thing was awful. Neither the radio DJ nor any of his supporters said anything that I hadn't heard before. Their hateful words were, unfortunately, completely unimaginative and absolutely nothing new. Except the people saying these things aren't in the community of some online friend somewhere else, they live in MY community. They could live in my apartment building, perhaps work at my local grocery. Maybe they ride the same bus or go to the same events as my family and I. The people saying these awful things had maybe seen my son breastfeeding and called me names or thought me disgusting in their heads or to their friends without me ever knowing, and that thought ties my stomach in knots.

It bothers me to say it, but the next time I need to feed my son in public (because there will most certainly be a next time) I will be thinking of this incident. I will be reminded that to do what feels so natural to me and feed my child on demand no matter where we are, is not the norm to everyone else. I will be looking around and wondering which of the people around me are sharing their disapproval of me through social media, and which ones are just calling me indecent in their heads.

But the beauty of the nurse-in, the overwhelming positivity, strength, support and solidarity of the women who came out last Saturday, is that I'll also be looking around for something else:

I'll be watching for the young woman who has never seen anyone breastfeed before. I will hope that when she is finding the confidence to mother in public one day, she will remember me, that woman who so naturally nursed her baby in that coffee shop.

I'll be watching for the worried new mom desperately trying to put off her newborn because she isn't sure if she can 'just whip it out'. I will hope she sees me calmly nursing and know she's not alone, that she has nothing to feel ashamed of.

I will be looking for the proud looks of the women who came before, who worked hard and nursed their babies despite social and cultural sabotage both subtle and overt to keep breastfeeding culture alive (if a little underground). I will hope they know how thankful I am that they helped pave the way for me. I will return the favor by paving even further for the next women.

So even though this relentless public attack on breastfeeding was so very awful and never ever should have been allowed to happen in the first place, I am glad I had the opportunity to reconnect with other breastfeeding mothers, activists, and professionals in my community. It was nice to be reminded that support is out there.

Also as a result of our protest, another DJ from the same station has offered us the chance to have a spokesperson from the community speak on their morning show this coming Monday. A local IBCLC is in the process of gathering every one's thoughts and putting together a statement that represents a good cross section of the mamas in our community. I call that a win. 

For more information on breastfeeding in public and the legal rights of breastfeeding pairs in your area, please see INFACT Canada to search my province, or check out nursingfreedom.org to search by state if you are in the US. 

If any of our readers have resorces for mothers in other parts of the world please link us in the comments and I will add them!

Lysol In The Laundry

It has recently come to my attention that many of my apartment building's residents have been using disinfecting cleaners (specifically Lysol) inside the washing and drying machines of our laundry facilities. I was more than a little upset when I found this out, I want to limit my child's exposure to the harsh chemicals in disinfectants, finding out that these chemicals have potentially been in direct contact with my family's skin for the last 2 years is upsetting and more than a little scary for me.

 

For the record, I am SO NOT the kind of person who normally freaks out about this kind of thing. I am no helicopter parent bent on micromanaging absolutely every person and environment my child comes in contact with. I realize that there are any number of potentially harmful chemicals being used regularly in public spaces that I cannot control. This is why I do my best to make safe choices inside our home so that my family's over-all exposure to potentially dangerous chemicals is reduced if not eliminated. By focusing on the things I CAN control, I find it liberatingly easy to relax about the things that I can't. But there is just something about commercial disinfectants that give me the creeps, and finding out that my son has been in direct contact with disinfectant cleaners 24/7 for his entire life outside of my womb is more than a little disconcerting. 

I think this article from Healthy Child Healthy World pretty much sums up why I feel this way about disinfectant cleaners, and a twitter friend wrapped it all up rather well when she coined the phrase: "germs are good for you, cancer is not!" (Please somebody make me this T-shirt!)

So now comes the big deep breath after my fit of boarder line hysterics about the Lysol in the Laundry room incident of 2011. What do I do about it?

On the one hand, there are any number of terrifying toxins in this apartment building. From building materials and older plumbing to the air fresheners and cleaning products used in the hallways, I hold no delusions that this building is otherwise toxin free. Even if the laundry room were free of disinfectant there would still be residues left behind from other people's detergents and fabric softeners. Can I really reasonably expect a toxin free environment when I live in such close proximity to, and share facilities with, my neighbours? I don't expect everyone to make the same choices that I would, even if it would be better for the health of the entire planet.

On the other hand I am an idealist. I genuinely believe that people can and will treat others with kindness and respect as best they know how a vast majority of the time. Could it be that my neighbours are simply unaware that the disinfectants they are using are likely to cause them, and me and my family, more harm than the remote possibility of picking up a harmful microbe from the washing facilities? This Idealistic part of me has already drafted a very polite and educational letter on the subject and plans to slip one under the doors of every tenant in the building. 

Being aware of the toxins our families come into contact with is important, but when you tend to flirt with the label 'control freak' as much as I do, being aware can often send you over the edge. 

Sometimes jumping over that edge can be good for you though. In my case it has made me determined. I can't control what products other people choose to use, even if those products will inevitably end up in contact with my family. It sucks, but it's true.

What I can do is get active in my community. I can educate other parents, friends, family and neighbours about how the product choices we make effect our health, our community's health, and the health of our planet. (click here to find out how you can host a Healthy child party for all your friends) 

I can ask my government representatives what they are doing to restrict and legislate the sale and use of toxic chemicals thereby making it harder for those chemicals to make it to my family. I can urge them to create stricter labeling laws to prevent companies from selling toxins under false labels like 'natural', 'green', 'nontoxic', and other buzz words, and require they clearly list ingredients in everything from cleaning to beauty products. 

If I don't like their answers I can vote, volunteer, and campaign for representatives who will do more to protect my family from pollutants. 

I can find out what organizations in my community are doing to reduce the amount of toxins in my environment and support them in doing so by donating either my time, money, or both. (This is one of my favourites)

I can continue to find new ways to make my own home a healthier environment for my family, to reduce our over-all exposure to toxins. For instance, this week I will be purging the last of my make-up and beauty products. (Did you know that: "The government does not require health studies or pre-market testing for [beauty] products before they are sold." - Skin Deep)

Maybe none of these things will stop my neighbors from leaving a film of pesticides inside the clothes dryer because they're afraid of germs in a washing facility, but maybe it will prevent my children's future neighbors from dumping toxins into their environment. 

What other things can I do to stem the flow of toxins into our environment? I'd love to hear your ideas in the comments section!

Raising Children Who Love The Earth

I worry about my son's future. 

I don't tend to be a big worrier. I have only so much mind to use from minute to minute and for the most part I can find infinitely better things to do with it then worry. The comment I hear most from others about myself as a parent is that I am 'so relaxed', and whether it's meant as a compliment or not I tend to take it as one. 

But never the less I worry about my son's future, and I am sure I am not alone in this. The fact is that every time I see a TV commercial for Kleenex brand disposable hand towels, or a news story like the continuing effect of the gulf oil spill, and every time I throw out my food waste because we haven't yet figured out a good way to compost from our apartment, I am overcome with a sense of fear and hopelessness about the future of this planet. A future that belongs to my son, and to your children as well. 

When I think about the continued UNsustainability of the world and culture that we live in, I start to worry.

I can hope to teach my child earth friendly habits like energy conservation, repairing, reusing and recycling, and eating whole foods found locally whenever possible, or any of the hundreds of other small ways my family chooses to lessen our effect on the environment.

But how do I fight back against the 'more, more, more, 'instant, convenient, disposable' mentality of the culture that we live in as it finds newer and more creative ways to push its way into my child's mind? How do I raise a child who has love and compassion for the earth and the good sense to know the difference between sustainable solutions and a marketing ploy? More importantly, how do I raise a child who, given the choice between easy and right, will do the right thing for himself, his community, and the world around him?

I want to try and model all of these things to my child as he grows. I am not sure exactly how, but I believe teaching is a process which is born from relationships of trust and respect. There will be many lessons taught between us, him to me and me to him. But I want to also create an environment where these lessons come naturally, where questions that lead to discussions which lead to learning and problem solving can happen organically. How do I do that in a culture so far removed from the natural world?

The obvious answer to these questions is to spend time out doors. Almost everyone I've talked to about these worries of mine is confident that a few hours a week at the neighborhood park and some precious memories of camping or sailing or hiking or fishing will be enough to raise children who are passionate about nature and protecting it.  

I am not convinced that that is all there is to it.  Lots of people spent time outside as children but don't 'have time' to recycle, don't care where their food is coming from so long as it's convenient, who buy SUVs only to drive them alone and in city for their daily commute.  For every advocate who credits childhood camping trips with their love for nature, there is an oil loving climate change denier with the same experiences and none of the compassion. 

It is true that our children are spending far less time enjoying the great outdoors then many of us did as children, and far more time plugged into various devices. I am certainly not denying the importance of getting them out there, it's a huge part of the equation, but it's not the final answer. 

So what is? How do we encourage our children to love and respect nature AND have the passion to protect it?

My kid doesn't have to grow up to be a revolutionary. I mean, that would be really rad if that's what he wanted, but my aim isn't to groom one necessarily. I just want to raise a connected person who is mindful of his place in the world and how his actions effect the world around him. I want to raise a curious person, who questions what he sees and what cannot be seen and approaches global issues with compassion. 

I am just not sure HOW to do that!

 

 

Busting Common Pregnancy and New Mommy Myths

Photo credit: Dizznboon (Flickr)

Take it easy!
Perhaps you've heard you're in a delicate condition, you aren't. You're pregnant not sick!  While some of your activities may need to change and you may encounter different challenges at different points in your pregnancy, you can take it normal.  If you exercise, try to keep it up and switch to different activities to meet your changing body's needs like giving up the elliptical for swimming.  If you don't regularly exercise, an evening walk is a great way to keep connected with your partner and reduce your risk of complications like gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia.  When sitting try to stay in a good position and avoid always lounging with your feet up during your last trimester to encourage optimal fetal positioning.

You're eating for two!
This justification usually results in an extra slice of cake not more carrots.  Listen to your body's cues and eat healthful snacks throughout the day like cottage cheese, nuts, or a boiled egg. You should eat to satisfy and while it's okay to indulge a bit, try to meet your dietary needs with whole foods not sweets and junk food which can help prevent blood pressure and glucose complications.

Birth classes are pointless
Many people who tell you this have only attended the classes offered by the hospital.  Those classes often offer more info on procedures than techniques for birthing.  Consider attended a childbirth education class utilizing the HypnoBabies, Bradley or Birthing from Within methods.  These classes will help you learn coping techniques and other labor positions.  Sidenote: As an ICAN leader, a lot of women tell me they don't pay attention during the c-section info because they were planning a natural birth.  With the c-section rate over 32%, it is wise to know what to expect, especially since having that info can help you AVOID a c-section!

Photo credit: futurestreet (Flickr)

You should only gain X amount
I'm always shocked, and a bit disgusted, when a women says her doctor will only let her gain 10-15 lbs.  While it can be easy to put on more weight than seems healthy by modern obstetric guidelines, if you are following a healthful diet and staying active, weight gain should not be restricted to a predetermined amount regardless of your size.  Your body knows what it needs to grow this baby.  Offer it healthy food and activity and you'll gain the amount right for you.



You will become a sex fiend/you won't allow your husband to touch you
Truth is that hormones are different for everyone.  You might jump your partner every night or it may be a long nine months.  Sex can be beneficial during this last trimester in preparing your body for birth.  Even if it sounds a bit hard, give it a try.  It may take some adjustment, but as with any time in your life, the more sex you have, the more sex you have.

You'll feel great after the first trimester
For a lot of women as the placenta takes over hormone production, morning sickness and fatigue fade at the end of the first trimester but there's no concrete rule.  If you are still suffering talk with you midwife or physician about dietary and lifestyle changes that could help.

I bet you're ready to have that baby
Let go of your due date, baby is going to come when he's ready and don't rush him!  Believe it or not, you're going to miss those final days of blissful pregnancy - the tiny kicks and rolls, the beauty of your blossoming belly, the special bond between you and your unborn child.  Don't let people pressure you to rush your pregnancy, enjoy it and nurture it.  Baby will be here before you know it.

You'll never sleep again
You will.  In fact, if you're like most of us you'll be up every hour for the last month of your pregnancy peeing anyway!  The first few weeks do require more time awake feeding and changing diapers, but you won't feel like you're missing anything holding that baby!  Co-sleeping and breastfeeding will help reduce the amount of time you spend awake in the night and attachment parenting can help by reducing baby's fussy periods, leading to more restful sleep!

Swelling is normal
I still remember my OB laughing off my tree trunk ankles when I came in for a third trimester appointment as "pregnancy."  Swelling is one of the first signs of pre-eclampsia and other conditions.  Increasing the protein in your diet and getting enough water will help keep swelling away and reduce your risk of pre-eclampsia.  If you notice swelling, eat a steak dinner and some watermelon or grapes to help flush it through your system.  Nutrition can have a direct influence on this "common" pregnancy issue.

Photo credit: Raphael Goetter (Flickr)

Breastfeeding is hard/easy/too much work/awesome
Breastfeeding is an art.  Have moral support, be prepared to nurse frequently on demand, and realize it gets easier!  Don't romanticize breastfeeding or fear it.  It's a natural process that takes some skill.  Get involved with LLL before birth, have the number of a good Lactation Consultant handy, and ask for help if you need it. Like with any art, other breastfeeding moms are there to help you master it!

My Response To 5 Common Myths About Attachment Parenting

Attachment Parenting isolates mothers and/or is anti-feminist:

I would have to agree with the observation that mothering is often an isolating experience in North America, and I will agree that there is overwhelming and unfair pressure on women to be perfect mothers. But I would encourage those who blame Attachment Parenting to take a closer look. 

It is not Attachment Parenting that isolates parents, but the social and cultural constructs that serve to keep children out of sight and many acts of mothering out of public view. Attachment Parenting is a very natural way to parent a child, and in a society so removed from nature I get how it could be seen down right contrary to what we commonly view as the advancements of our civilization. Gone is the village it takes to raise a child and in its place stands a collective obsession with independence. It is not the Attachment Parenting community that stresses perfection under these isolating circumstances, but rather a society that would judge, condemn, and measure a woman’s worth by her children, while in the same breath devaluing her parenting as lesser work.  

  
More importantly, I call foul on absolutely anyone who would suggest that Attachment Parenting is somehow anti-feminist or oppressive to women. Attachment Parenting does require a lot of time and care, but that could be said about parenting in general. We are raising children, not scheduling a minor inconvenience into the fold of our lives. It is life changing, it is challenging, but it does not mean that we give up everything we have and everything we are to do it. The principals of Attachment Parenting do not even require the presence of women. Why assume that the person anticipating and fulfilling the attachment needs of a child MUST be that child's mother?  Any caregiver, be they mother, father, grandparent or legal guardian can foster a secure attachment to the child for whom they care.  There is also nothing that says a child cannot form secure attachments to more than one caregiver (in fact I believe it is crucial that they do).  Anyone assuming that the basic principals of Attachment Parenting apply only to the mother is themselves incredibly sexist.

Attachment Parenting creates spoiled and undisciplined children

I believe that this myth has its roots in two assumptions. First, that anticipating and fulfilling a child’s needs is the same as giving them whatever they want whenever they want it, and second that people, and therefore children, must suffer in order to learn. I do not believe either of these assumptions to be true.

While the first assumption may be true in the first year or so when a child’s wants and needs are the same thing, Attachment Parenting an older child is most definitely not the same as giving them their every whim. The basic principal of Attachment Parenting is to create a secure attachment with my child, and in an effort to do that I have excluded punitive discipline from my bag of parenting tricks. That does not mean that I cannot teach my child responsibility and self discipline in an age appropriate, supportive, and gentle manner.

I also believe that Attachment Parenting allows me to be more engaged and connected with my son and therefore better able to tell the difference between his wants and his needs, and to recognize the needs hiding behind arbitrary toddler wants. I believe that to ignore some requests over others or use punitive discipline would muddy those waters and make me a less effective parent. 

I think Elizabeth Pantley said it best in her book “The No-Cry Discipline Solution”

“As defined by Webster's, discipline means 'training that develops self control and character.' This definition might lead you to believe that the process is all about teaching, and in a sense it is. Teaching is your part of the discipline equation. and there is no substitute for quality lessons. However, your child's part of the equation is the most important - learning. ... Teaching that fall son deaf ears is lost, and we have learned that crying plugs a child's ears almost every time it occurs. Crying gets in the way of accepting, understanding, and learning.”

You have to breastfeed to practice Attachment Parenting:

It’s appalling to me that such an obviously untrue statement could come up multiple times in the same week, but I’ve heard this myth a lot lately.

While it is true that the closeness and supply/demand nature of a breastfeeding relationship fit nicely with the Attachment Parenting style, it is absolutely NOT a requirement.

No matter how you feed your baby, feeding time, and every other time, are still wonderful opportunities to bond with your baby and foster attachment. You can still cue feed your baby when they show early signs of hunger; you can practice baby-led bottle feeding or bottle-nursing. To safely feed an infant with a bottle the infant is still in your arms and you can have your baby skin to skin during feedings if you choose to.  You can still wear your baby. You can still co-sleep (Though there are safety concerns that I would suggest be fully researched when contemplating bed sharing with a non breastfed baby). You can still commit to parenting in a way that is mindful, compassionate, gentle, trusting and natural.

If anyone tells you differently, send them to me. No really.

Attachment Parenting suppresses growth, development, and independence.

I think this is one that pretty much every Attachment Parent has heard before. “How will your baby ever A, B, C if you X, Y, Z?” It seams that there is a widespread and persistent rumor going around that children need to be independent as early as possible in order to grow and thrive. From sleeping through the night, to eating, walking, and talking, if they’re not doing it without your help before a mythical date on the calendar they will miss the boat entirely.

The truth is that children need a secure attachment to their caregivers in order to grow and develop in an emotional and physical environment that is safe and supportive, and where they know that their needs will be met reliably by someone they love.

There are many studies that suggest well attached children excel in all areas, social, academic, and physical, and every Attachment Parented child I have ever met (ranging in age between 0 and 16) has been a delightful, well adjusted, happy, and perfectly INDEPENDENT person. (You can find countless studies and publications about child development and attachment on the Attachment Parenting International Website)

 “It’s a good thing we suppressed his development’ my husband said on the subject, “if we hadn’t he’d be ruling the world right now, and then we’d really be in trouble!”

Attachment Parenting is the same as helicopter parenting.

I have to tell you, I don’t really even know where to begin on this one. It’s a really common myth, and I can kind of see where some may get the idea from. I can actually kind of see where some attachment parenting practices could slip into helicopter territory, but only if I squint really hard and turn my head ever so slightly to the left.

Helicopter parenting, as I understand the term, is a kind of hovering paranoia over scraped knees and food that might have maybe come into contact with unpronounceable chemical byproducts that have been shown to cause an increased risk of leprosy in lab rats and therefore cannot be consumed by my child at his best friend’s birthday party.

Maybe I am being a little bit harsh, I do understand and have my own concerns about the chemicals my child comes into contact with, and no one likes to see someone they love injured or hurt. But for me, this has nothing to do with Attachment Parenting, or any type of parenting at all. It is a symptom of the culture of fear we live in, and not of the way we choose to parent our children.

Attachment Parenting is about building a secure attachment and a relationship with your child that is built on the foundations of trust and respect. While I do my best to protect him, part of that trust and respect is earned by providing a safe place for my child to return to when he gets hurt, scared, or accidently ingests red dye #40 so that he can explore the world on his own with confidence. To create unnecessary anxiety for my child and deny him valuable experiences out of fear would not be respectful to him, and in my view, would not be consistent with Attachment Parenting practices.

What kind of myths about Attachment Parenting have you encountered? How do you choose to approach these misconceptions when they come up?

Spotlight on a Breastfeeding Partner #1

The Spotlight on a Breastfeeding Partner series aims to highlight the fathers, partners, or cheerleaders behind a breastfeeding mom.  This celebration of breastfeeding support underscores the role support people play in successful breastfeeding and provides encouragement for future breastfeeding partners.  To nominate someone in your life for the spotlight, click here.

Josh
Role: Dad
Supporting breastfeeding since: 2007

Josh is my husband, and the inspiration for this series.  When our son was born via unplanned cesarean in 2007, Josh worked with me to beat the booby traps. He helped finger feed my pumped milk to fix a latch problem with the help of a lactation consultant and helped check our son's latch at every feeding during those critical first weeks (lower lip flip!).  He's been known to spoon feed me during those early, extended nursing sessions and he gladly cooks meals, even preparing things for me to heat up when he'll be away for the night.

Nurse-Ins are for Everyone (Guest Post)

Note from Jenn: Today's guest post is from Erin at Nine Davids.  I first "met" Erin on a board for women trying to conceive after pregnancy loss.  We enjoyed getting our positive pregnancy tests together, gestating, and having our babies within the same month.  Erin who is unfailingly generous and kind offered to let me repost this awesome post for you all, and I think you'll agree it's a must read!  Erin is a working mom to the ninth David in her family.  She blogs about attachment parenting, living with IBD, and being a first time mom.  
P.S. You should all leave a comment convincing her to become a regular contributor here.

Credit: Mama-is.com (Click to support her awesome art.)

Often, the only outspoken lactivists are mothers who are currently nursing their children, or have nursed them in the past.  The lactivist community is strong, but insular - demonstrations are often nurse-ins, and understandably, conversation in lactivist groups tends toward the ins-and-outs of being a nursing mother.

Breastfeeding is more than a mom's issue.  It's an everybody issue.

Right now, there's a controversy spreading on Facebook, across the internet, in cafes, stores and churches.  Facebook has recently banned a number of users for posting photos of themselves breastfeeding.  They have deleted an event for a national "Nurse-In", which calls for mothers to post breastfeeding pictures.  Why?

"It's obscene."

I cannot breastfeed my son. 

10 Alternatives to Crying it Out

My sister soothing Sydney

I see it all the time on facebook pages and  message boards - moms lamenting the torture of listening to their babies cry it out.  Nine times out of ten the mom is hating it.  Sadly, I occasionally see a mom happy to say the CIO worked and baby is "finally asleep."  What tends to happen is that most moms I know hate CIO, but eventually it seems to work.  Baby seems to cry less and less when he is left in his crib.  And to an extent the trick has worked.  Baby has slowly learned his crying won't work to draw his mom back in the room.  He's been conditioned to understand his crying won't elicit the attention he needs or wants.  He has learned helplessness.

An Unwanted Birth (Guest post)

At Connected Mom it's no secret we are pro-homebirth, but above all else we recognize that birth is a personal experience and that providers have a responsibility to listen to women.  A wise person recently told me that if you are uncomfortable birthing in the hospital, it is irresponsible to birth there, but likewise she pointed out if you are uncomfortable birthing at hime, it is also irresponsible.  As women we have a responsibility to trust our instincts regarding birth, and when care providers prevent us from from following our instincts unnecessarily it can have long-term psychological consequences, including birth disappointment and postpartum anxiety disorders.  One of our readers in the Netherlands shared how her planned hospital birth turned into an unwanted homebirth and her best advice for all women regarding their birth desires.

To give some background I'm from Finland where home-births are very rare. My husband is Dutch and I have lived in the Netherlands since 2002. I had my first baby 2008 at the hospital but assisted only by the midwife. My second child was born at home against my will.

Put your money where your mouth is

Photo credit: Danielle Moler (Flickr)

My family and I do not buy Nestle products.  This means we no longer lay a finger on Butterfinger and our kids are opting out of membership in the Gerber generation.  It's not always easy with such a huge product list to boycott, but we feel that it is a decision we must make.  Our boycott of Nestle stems primarily from being part of the lactivist community, but this is a cause that should be promoted by breastfeeding and formula feeding families, and well, everyone else with a conscience. 

Humanizing Healthcare: Maternal Care and Choice

It is strange to me that when discussing the issue of health care reform, I'm often met with morbid statistics regarding cancer outcomes in European countries and told I have to pay to have the best health care system in the world. I'm not getting into the subject of cost today, because that is an entirely different Pandora's box. Today I want to focus on the strange compulsion to view this debate as a worst case scenario twisted into a best case scenario situation. It seems those that oppose universal public health care think a strong argument against socializing medicine is to cite how it will affect our ability to receive care for life threatening forms of cancer and other diseases. This is something to ponder. I could get into an argument about access to care and cost and preventative medicine, but many others have done so more eloquently than I. Instead I thought I would approach this from a less cynical and morbid viewpoint.

Keeping Faith

Remembering those not with us on Oct. 15

Faith [feyth]
–noun
belief that is not based on proof






On Friday I lit a candle for the babies I never held in this life.  I think about them less these days, I am ashamed to admit, and whether that is the result of time passing or actually healing I'm not sure.  It felt nice to stop and remind myself what an impact they've had on my life.  Not all the things that came with those losses are sad.  I've made friends through loss, I've connected with women around the world, and I've been taught the fine art of compassion, and while those are all good things, these benefits are tinged with grief.  And while in so many ways I've moved forward, the scars of my miscarriages linger and ache in unexpected ways.


And now I sit writing this with a beautiful, healthy little girl on my lap and I feel very blessed.  Not because I deserved her.  Not because finally the timing was right.  Mostly just because she's here and that's all that matters, and a little bit because after multiple losses over a 14 month period, I still tried.


I won't lie to you.  There are many areas of my life where I've given up and walked away.  Bits of novels, craft projects, half-decorated rooms, graduate school.  I'm not proud of this, but I won't ignore the obvious.  I might not be a quitter, but I sometimes fall short in the faith department.  I lose faith that my novel is anything worth reading or that I'll ever get into better shape or that I can do laundry and still feel inspired.  I've never considered myself a Doubting Thomas, but I guess  we all are to a point.  So much of are lives are filled with what-if's instead of remember when's.


I'd given up the month we conceived our daughter, but only in the psychotic control freak way that is my form of trying to conceive.  No thermometers, no charts, no planned intercourse.  I had not given up faith though.  I still believed we would have another child even though there was no proof.  In fact, there was only proof against us having another.  I just believed and whether that was out of genuine optimism or a need to confront this nameless death in our life, I'm not sure.




In the end, I think faith is about more than proof or belief or hope - it's about having something worth fighting for.  We can't expect to keep faith in all our pursuits, we all have things that are worth all we have, and this child, nursing at my breast, was worth all the fight.