Unexpected Things about Parenthood

I have a great group of Mama friends, whom I met online. We're friends in "real life" too now, but since we are spread far and wide, our interactions are still mostly online. One day, one of them, a freshly born Mama asked the rest of us a great revealing question. We all know there are plenty of things that aren't exactly like we expected, or that we imagined would be one way but are a bit different, but she wanted to know about the things we didn't expect at all. So here are my top 4 things I didn't expect about parenting:

1. How hard coparenting could be.
I love my husband, he's a good man, but parenting together is so so much harder then I thought it would be. Reassuringly, this was a common one amongst my Mama friends too. Parenthood, especially the first time around, can be such a pressure cooker of emotions and expectations. As much as you try to prepare, you can know what its really going to be like until you are in the thick of it. And when you have two distinct individuals, trying to work as one to raise a third distinct individual, well its just not always easy.

2. How insanely different it is when its your own baby. 
I'm 7 years older then my brother, have been around kids/babies my whole life, I've been babysitting since I was 12, taught vacation bible school to preschoolers for multiple summers, was a mother's helper to quadruplets all through college, and was not the first of my friends to give birth. I was also dying to be a Mom, feeling it through every fiber of my being. Yet, all that experience went out the window when Gwen was born. I had the knowledge, I had tools in my arsenal that others didn't, but it is just different when it is your own. Each baby is different anyway, but add into that the biological response your body has when responding to your own child, well I was just unprepared for it.

3. That we'd still be breastfeeding at 3 years old. 
and 4. That we'd bedshare (full-time for the "fourth trimester", then part-time for a long time). 
I knew I was going to be an AP Mama, its how I was raised, and its what I felt the most pull towards. However before Gwen was born I wasn't completely comfortable with the idea of bedsharing, and it was only when Gwen proved that she had other ideas that my husband and I decided to give it a go. And while I always knew I would breastfeed, I didn't realize how strongly I would feel about fighting past the mastitis, the clogged ducts, the supply dips to make it past a year... and how much Gwen would love it, to the point of deciding to keep pumping until 2 years, and wanting her to self-wean. I guess this boils down to the idea that before I was a Mama, I thought I would be the one with the answers; once Gwen arrived I realized that we would figure this out a lot easier if I let her be my guide on a lot of things.


What things did you not expect at all before you became a parent? 

 

real mom confessions

My good friend and momspiration, Elise, recently did a post on her True Confessions. They were great. So honest, and so damn spot on! So, here are my real mom confessions:

Source

1. I consider it a parenting success that my daughter loves Edward Sharpe and the Magnificent Zeros, and calls Home "her song." Similarly, I was a little annoyed when she loved a CD of kitschy children's songs we were gifted (don't worry, I didn't share my annoyance with her!).

2. I do my best to get Gwen to eat a good variety of foods... but nights are rushed to begin with, so if she's begging for pasta, again, sometimes its just easier to eat pasta. Again. But we always have a fruit or veggie too.

3. I love spending time with my daughter, love playing games with her, but when she breaks out the blocks, I pray she asks her dad to help instead of me. I can only "build another house, Mommy" so many times before I just don't want to build another house! I've also hidden books once or twice after we read them 20 times in a row.

4. My husband is much better at the crafting stuff then me too. I'm a little terrified of the mess it would create if we pulled out paint together. 

5. Being married after having a baby(s) is hard. I love my husband, but parenting together is the hardest thing we've ever done.

6. I save way too many of those scribbley pictures that she brings home from daycare.

7. If its a choice between cleaning the house or playing with my girl, I will always chose the later. Yes, my house is messy.

8. I hate hearing that she gave my husband a hard time on a night that I'm out (for work or yoga), but part of me loves hearing how much she missed me. She gets bigger every day, its nice to be needed. And yes, I need those nights to do "me things" too. I don't feel guilty about that.

9. That whiny voice makes me want to pull my hair out.

10. I hope that we can be as close as we are now when she is 16 and beyond. I will always be the mom first, but that doesn't mean I can't want to be a confidant, an enjoyed companion, and yes, a friend, as well.


What are your mom confessions?

In Praise of Daddy

"When I big, I want to be a library dude and a daddy."

Yesterday, we were traveling home from story time when my three year old made this declaration. I knew why he wanted to be a "library dude," he is obssessed with trying to go behind the counter where only librarians are allowed and he has told me that he wants to play with books all day like the "library dudes." I was curious what he would say about why he wanted to be a daddy, though, so I asked him. Here was his answer, "Because a daddy gets to hug and kiss his baby." I began to tear up. My son is growing up to be an amazing man, and it is thanks, in large part, to what his daddy is teaching him about what it means to be a father and a man.

The first year of being a parent is really difficult. In our house, this was especially challenging because of our son's digestive issues and insistance that only "Mama" would do. This meant that I almost never left him and when I did, my poor husband had to helplessly listen to my baby cry the whole time I was gone even though he was lovingly holding him and soothing him just as I would have. (Usually, this was not more than half an hour or so, but when I went to the dentist when my son was four months old, he screamed all 72 minutes I was gone getting my teeth cleaned.) My husband, who was completely smitten with our son and was desperate to spend as much time and have as much contact with him as possible was very frustrated by our son's strong preference for me the first six months. He would complain that he felt so left out of his own family and I, stressed out as all new mothers are, tried to explain to him that his time was coming. One day, our son would enter the "era of daddy" and all the things he was doing all along would suddenly add up and he would see just how important he is as his son's father and role model and how much his son appreciates him. It didn't stop my husband from occasionally feeling superfluous and rejected, but he did what my son was most comfortable with and played with/cared for him every chance he could and when my son would not settle for less than mama, he handed him to me. He did what every caring father does: exactly what his son needed at the time.

As he grew older, my husband and my son found ways to bond that I never would have thought of. Our son originally practiced standing by holding on to daddy's legs as he shaved. Whenever we went for family walks, my husband would always want to wear him in his carrier and would joyfully entertain him by running and jumping and doing all kinds of physical acrobatics, that frankly, I would have been afraid to do! My husband began sharing his passion for MSU football, first by insisting that the baby stay in the room on an MSU blanket listening to the game, then by bouncing him in tune with the fight song as the game went on, and then by sitting next to him and telling him about football as our son hummed merrily along and occasionally threw out his own football commentary: "Look, hats! They fall down! Oh, no! He's nigh-nigh!" It was no surprise to me, when at eight months, my son chose to take his first crawling steps on the weekend toward his daddy when I was out of the room. Eight weeks later, he also took his first walking steps towards his daddy (at least I was in the room that time!). You see, I was his comfort and his home base, but his father is the future he is forever moving toward.

I know that many boys grow up in loving homes without their fathers and go on to be great men, but when a man takes the time to provide a good example of what good, caring fatherhood looks like, well, it's a wonderful, beautiful thing. What I especially loved about my son's reason for wanting to be a daddy was that what he appreciates most about his daddy isn't how much fun he is (which is, I'll admit, way more fun than mama) or that he does cool things like takes him to hockey games or that he teaches him neat skills like how to trash talk (accidentally taught him that, I might add and, thankfully, cleanly. . .no swears!). What my son sees as the best part of being a "daddy" and a man, is his capacity for tenderness and love--his ability to "kiss and hug his baby." What better teacher could my baby have for how to be a real man than the example of his father? So, for all the daddies out there who are struggling, trying to find your place in your young child's daily life or schedule. Don't Give Up! You are an integral part of who your child is learning to be and what your child is learning about men and what men can and should do. Keep up the good work and give lots of hugs and kisses. Even when you don't think they are noticing, they are!

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Romance and the Attached Mom: It Can and Does Happen!

(A pic from before our last date in April of this year for our fifth anniversary.)

Before we had our son, my husband and I weren't exactly the most romantic couple in the world, but we were pretty comfortable. When we were pregnant, I imagined the romance being about the same, just worked around the baby's schedule. It seemed nearly everyone we met with kids told us about the importance of "date night" and so I imangined that would be what we would do, too. Maybe not every week, but at least once or twice a month, we would get a sitter and go out to movie or dinner or some other kind of "traditional" date activity. Then we had our son and reality hit.

For one reason or another, we've been on like two or three dates in the almost three years it's been since the birth of our son. Some of it has to do with the fact that we spent the first two years of his life living far away from family and most of our friends. Some of it has to do with the colic he had for the first four months. Some of it has to do with his food allergies which can be very scary and hard to deal with for adults who are not used to being around him and dealing with food allergies. But most of it has to do with us and our unwillingness to give up much of what we view as a very important time in our son's life. This is the only time in his life when he will WANT to be with us all of the time, and we, in turn, WANT to be with him. We choose to have "date nights in" more than "date nights out." We have had to learn how to be flirty, romantic, and sweet at the same time as we are being "mom and dad." Don't get me wrong, we don't always get the balance right and have our ups and downs as much as any other couple does (with or without kids), but in a way, I think we are in a more solid, unified place now than we ever were before. Even though we didn't plan on being "attached parents," by doing the things our son needed we became "attached"--both to him and to each other.

It's a fallacy that romance ends when you have children. Instead, it changes its definition on you. Instead of expecting romantic, planned weekends; elaborate, beautiful gifts; and traditional dinner/dancing/movie dates all the time, you learn to find the romance in your husband taking a crying baby or a toddler off your hands when you need time for yourself. Instead of thinking my husband is only being romantic if he gets me flowers or cards, I've come to understand his version of "daddy" romance is often to give me help making dinner or to tell me I look wonderful even when my hair is barely brushed and I have a three year old insisting I hold him while I make his morning breakfast. Instead of the declarations of eternal love that we might have given each other while dating, I find that we tell each other we love each other through our love for our family and our child. It makes my heart flutter every time I hear him tell our son that he thinks it's just wonderful that he's "just like mommy" in the way he does something. (My husband always uses that phrase respectfully and as a compliment). As for weekly romance, every weekend, I let my husband sleep in and have some alone time on Saturday morning and he does the same for me on Sunday. I will take that Sunday morning alone time any day over almost any kind of romantic gift. I even wrote a whole blog about the little romantic things you can do that really work better for parents than a lot of the "traditional" date night romance.

Don't get me wrong, it's important not to eschew traditional, "grown up," couples only romance entirely. Sometimes we do go a little too long without the hearts and flowers, grown up "real conversation," and concentrated alone time that traditional romance is yearned for, but when we realize that we've been remiss, we do try to make it up to each other. And the little "family friendly" romantic moments we try to build into everyday for each other make those traditional, planned romantic moments even more heartfelt and treasured. This Valentine's Day, I finished putting our son to bed and walked out to find a candlelit picnic complete with sparkling cider, wine glasses, and chocolate treats on our living room floor (which had been my exact plan to set up for him and was just coming into the living room to send him out on a random errand so that I could set it up myself.) It may be one of my favorite all time romantic moments ever because we both wanted the same thing at the same time and had found a way to be alone and romantic in our own home. One day, we will be done having small children and we will not be all together all the time and my husband and I will probably have a lot more time for going out alone and being traditionally romantic. In the mean time, we are enjoying the romance that can come only when you are appreciating the everyday, ordinary, spontaneous romance of being dedicated co-parents of a small child.

I love you Matt! Thank you for being who you are not just for me, but for our family and son!

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

My Response To 5 Common Myths About Attachment Parenting

Attachment Parenting isolates mothers and/or is anti-feminist:

I would have to agree with the observation that mothering is often an isolating experience in North America, and I will agree that there is overwhelming and unfair pressure on women to be perfect mothers. But I would encourage those who blame Attachment Parenting to take a closer look. 

It is not Attachment Parenting that isolates parents, but the social and cultural constructs that serve to keep children out of sight and many acts of mothering out of public view. Attachment Parenting is a very natural way to parent a child, and in a society so removed from nature I get how it could be seen down right contrary to what we commonly view as the advancements of our civilization. Gone is the village it takes to raise a child and in its place stands a collective obsession with independence. It is not the Attachment Parenting community that stresses perfection under these isolating circumstances, but rather a society that would judge, condemn, and measure a woman’s worth by her children, while in the same breath devaluing her parenting as lesser work.  

  
More importantly, I call foul on absolutely anyone who would suggest that Attachment Parenting is somehow anti-feminist or oppressive to women. Attachment Parenting does require a lot of time and care, but that could be said about parenting in general. We are raising children, not scheduling a minor inconvenience into the fold of our lives. It is life changing, it is challenging, but it does not mean that we give up everything we have and everything we are to do it. The principals of Attachment Parenting do not even require the presence of women. Why assume that the person anticipating and fulfilling the attachment needs of a child MUST be that child's mother?  Any caregiver, be they mother, father, grandparent or legal guardian can foster a secure attachment to the child for whom they care.  There is also nothing that says a child cannot form secure attachments to more than one caregiver (in fact I believe it is crucial that they do).  Anyone assuming that the basic principals of Attachment Parenting apply only to the mother is themselves incredibly sexist.

Attachment Parenting creates spoiled and undisciplined children

I believe that this myth has its roots in two assumptions. First, that anticipating and fulfilling a child’s needs is the same as giving them whatever they want whenever they want it, and second that people, and therefore children, must suffer in order to learn. I do not believe either of these assumptions to be true.

While the first assumption may be true in the first year or so when a child’s wants and needs are the same thing, Attachment Parenting an older child is most definitely not the same as giving them their every whim. The basic principal of Attachment Parenting is to create a secure attachment with my child, and in an effort to do that I have excluded punitive discipline from my bag of parenting tricks. That does not mean that I cannot teach my child responsibility and self discipline in an age appropriate, supportive, and gentle manner.

I also believe that Attachment Parenting allows me to be more engaged and connected with my son and therefore better able to tell the difference between his wants and his needs, and to recognize the needs hiding behind arbitrary toddler wants. I believe that to ignore some requests over others or use punitive discipline would muddy those waters and make me a less effective parent. 

I think Elizabeth Pantley said it best in her book “The No-Cry Discipline Solution”

“As defined by Webster's, discipline means 'training that develops self control and character.' This definition might lead you to believe that the process is all about teaching, and in a sense it is. Teaching is your part of the discipline equation. and there is no substitute for quality lessons. However, your child's part of the equation is the most important - learning. ... Teaching that fall son deaf ears is lost, and we have learned that crying plugs a child's ears almost every time it occurs. Crying gets in the way of accepting, understanding, and learning.”

You have to breastfeed to practice Attachment Parenting:

It’s appalling to me that such an obviously untrue statement could come up multiple times in the same week, but I’ve heard this myth a lot lately.

While it is true that the closeness and supply/demand nature of a breastfeeding relationship fit nicely with the Attachment Parenting style, it is absolutely NOT a requirement.

No matter how you feed your baby, feeding time, and every other time, are still wonderful opportunities to bond with your baby and foster attachment. You can still cue feed your baby when they show early signs of hunger; you can practice baby-led bottle feeding or bottle-nursing. To safely feed an infant with a bottle the infant is still in your arms and you can have your baby skin to skin during feedings if you choose to.  You can still wear your baby. You can still co-sleep (Though there are safety concerns that I would suggest be fully researched when contemplating bed sharing with a non breastfed baby). You can still commit to parenting in a way that is mindful, compassionate, gentle, trusting and natural.

If anyone tells you differently, send them to me. No really.

Attachment Parenting suppresses growth, development, and independence.

I think this is one that pretty much every Attachment Parent has heard before. “How will your baby ever A, B, C if you X, Y, Z?” It seams that there is a widespread and persistent rumor going around that children need to be independent as early as possible in order to grow and thrive. From sleeping through the night, to eating, walking, and talking, if they’re not doing it without your help before a mythical date on the calendar they will miss the boat entirely.

The truth is that children need a secure attachment to their caregivers in order to grow and develop in an emotional and physical environment that is safe and supportive, and where they know that their needs will be met reliably by someone they love.

There are many studies that suggest well attached children excel in all areas, social, academic, and physical, and every Attachment Parented child I have ever met (ranging in age between 0 and 16) has been a delightful, well adjusted, happy, and perfectly INDEPENDENT person. (You can find countless studies and publications about child development and attachment on the Attachment Parenting International Website)

 “It’s a good thing we suppressed his development’ my husband said on the subject, “if we hadn’t he’d be ruling the world right now, and then we’d really be in trouble!”

Attachment Parenting is the same as helicopter parenting.

I have to tell you, I don’t really even know where to begin on this one. It’s a really common myth, and I can kind of see where some may get the idea from. I can actually kind of see where some attachment parenting practices could slip into helicopter territory, but only if I squint really hard and turn my head ever so slightly to the left.

Helicopter parenting, as I understand the term, is a kind of hovering paranoia over scraped knees and food that might have maybe come into contact with unpronounceable chemical byproducts that have been shown to cause an increased risk of leprosy in lab rats and therefore cannot be consumed by my child at his best friend’s birthday party.

Maybe I am being a little bit harsh, I do understand and have my own concerns about the chemicals my child comes into contact with, and no one likes to see someone they love injured or hurt. But for me, this has nothing to do with Attachment Parenting, or any type of parenting at all. It is a symptom of the culture of fear we live in, and not of the way we choose to parent our children.

Attachment Parenting is about building a secure attachment and a relationship with your child that is built on the foundations of trust and respect. While I do my best to protect him, part of that trust and respect is earned by providing a safe place for my child to return to when he gets hurt, scared, or accidently ingests red dye #40 so that he can explore the world on his own with confidence. To create unnecessary anxiety for my child and deny him valuable experiences out of fear would not be respectful to him, and in my view, would not be consistent with Attachment Parenting practices.

What kind of myths about Attachment Parenting have you encountered? How do you choose to approach these misconceptions when they come up?

5 Ways Partners Can Support Breastfeeding Moms

1) Help her prepare:

Chances are, if your partner wants to breastfeed she’s going to mention it at some point before the baby is born. There is actually a great deal of preparation, both mental and physical that goes into a successful breastfeeding relationship. You can help your partner, and show your support for her decision to breastfeed by educating yourself about it, listening to and helping her set goals and letting her know that you understand how important it is to her to breastfeed.