My Spirited Child

Oliver; my spirited child
Photo Credit: Ali Lauren Creative Services

The term 'spirited' hadn't really entered my life until very recently. Before I had the term I had words like 'willful', 'quirky', 'difficult', 'high energy', 'particular' and 'Pain-in-my-ass'… Not very 'motherly' that last one but for real; anyone who has or has met a spirited child knows that they push you and sometimes no amount of flowery language will do. 

"The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is more. They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children. All children possess these characteristics, but spirited kids possess them with a depth and range not available to other children. Spirited kids are the Super Ball in a room full of rubber balls. Other kids bounce three feet off the ground. Every bounce for a spirited child hits the ceiling." - Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of 'Raising Your Spirited Child'

My son, Oliver, is spirited. Unlike what many have tried to suggest over the last few years he is not spirited because I held him too much or let him sleep in my bed; he isn't spirited because I don't use time-outs or force him to share or threaten him with consequences unrelated to his actions. On the flip side he isn't spirited because I didn't hold him enough, or removed him from the family bed too early, or because I am not the docile loving gentle parent we'd all like to be 100% of the time. He has ALWAYS been spirited. Only when he was a baby the word we used was 'high needs'. 

This is the hardest thing to acknowledge and accept when you start to realize that your child may not be just like any other kid his age, that he won't be easily cajoled or managed into things the way all of your friends kids seem to be, that the friendly tips your family share with you will never work for your child even if they've worked for two dozen others without fail, that he won't just take your word on anything from food to the direction of the park no matter how reasonable an argument you make or how many 'limited choices' you give him. When you start to realize that he is 'more' it's hard not to feel like they may actually be 'broken' in some way and because we live in a society which idolizes the 'good mother' and blames everything on the 'bad' one it's hard not to start wondering if they might be 'broken' because of something you did. 

I am starting to accept it now, though. Oliver is spirited. He has ALWAYS been spirited. This is who he is and he's NOT broken. He's occasionally a pain in my ass, but he's really truly not broken, and instead of feeling bad like something I did made him this way I should be proud of the person he is and will become. 

Spirited children have a lot of qualities that make them difficult to parent but those same qualities are ones that our society values quite a bit in adulthood: focus and determination, individuality and independence, assertiveness and leadership, creativity and confidence. But sometimes all of that determination, independence, assertiveness, creativity and confidence is being perceived by myself and the outside world as a stubborn, uncooperative, aggressive, mischievous, and entitled wild child; I often fear that underneath those perceptions the other qualities Oliver has like empathy, sensitivity and generosity are being missed. 

So I am starting to learn that the best way to parent my spirited child is to forget about immediate behaviour results and instead find ways to help Oliver channel his energy in positive ways. I need to stop comparing him to what other kids his age can manage and respect that he can handle some situations better than others. I need to let go of the pressure I feel from people on the outside to be in 'control' of my child's behaviour and allow him to live and learn while working on ways to set him up for success in his own way.

"Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It's about understanding that she is exactly the person she is supposed to be. And that, if you're lucky, she just might be the teacher who turns you into the person you are supposed to be." -Joan Ryan 

For anyone else who may be wading (or drowning) in what it means to parent a spirited child gently I've compiled a short list of tips that have helped US live more harmoniously together. There are definitely bad days, there are definitely days where I panic that nothing seams to be 'working' and where not-so-helpful suggestions start to make me doubt myself. Nothing about raising kids is easy and with spirited children it's, well, MORE so. But there are also good days; days where he lets me in on moments of absolute joy and beauty at exactly the moment where I am most receptive to them, days where he has me in tears laughing with his wit and charm, and days where we just seem to click and tune into one another and I start to feel like maybe I am doing something right after all.

Energy: 

The most identifiable mark of a spirited child is their energy. It is seemingly never ending. But it does end at some point and when you get to the end of that energy their ability to cope with their big feelings is almost non-existent. The key is to find balance. 

Spirited kids need an outlet; if they're gross motor oriented like Oliver they need time to run, jump, swing, dance, climb, and yell. If they are fine motor oriented they need time to sort, draw, build, stir, scoop, squish and pinch. But it is also important to recognize where they get their energy from. 

You may have heard the terms 'introverted' and 'extroverted' before but I find many people don't really know what they mean. These terms basically describe where we get our energy from; if you are extroverted you get your energy from people around you and feel drained of energy when you are alone or lacking social stimuli for too long, if you are introverted you get your energy from being alone and feel drained of energy when around people for too long. It is the same for our children. Be sure they aren't spending too much time in situations that could be draining them of their energy and limiting their ability to cope with all the 'more' they have.

I find the best way to balance energy is to try and set a healthy rhythm of energetic release and restful energy recharging; every burst of energetic activity is followed by a mellow 'cooling down time' before starting to ramp up for another energetic activity. For Oliver, who is very social but undoubtedly an introvert, that also means making sure not to over-schedule his social calendar and planning for lots of quiet one-on-one time or recognizing and respecting when he doesn't feel like talking. 

Focus: 

I am often asked what the difference between a spirited child and a child with ADHD is and the short answer is focus. True ADHD means that the child receives stimuli from their environment the same way we all do but lack the ability to choose which of those stimulus is most important to focus on let alone focus on any one thing. A spirited child can and does focus on the most important stimulus, they just may not agree with you about which one is most important in any given moment, and once they're locked in there is no distracting/deterring/redirecting that can get them to let it go until they're ready. (I have a theory that many children diagnosed with ADHD by the educational system may actually be spirited children trapped in a school system that cannot meet their needs. but that's a personal opinion so moving right along…) 

When it comes to keeping the peace with a spirited child I find the best thing to do is to work with this focus as much as possible. If your child has trouble staying on the task you set out for him because he is too focused on the 'beat' of the dish washer it will not kill you to take a moment to show interest in what he's found before trying to lay out your task again, it may even allow you to tie your task in with your child's reality. (example from today: "Wow, that tree branch does look like a dragon's tale! Let's put on your viking boots and go check it out!") but most days you'll find it's easiest just to wait until their attention drifts back to you. Also try planning extra time around things like getting dressed in the morning or arriving at or leaving places so that you can give transitional warnings or count downs and don't feel pressured to rush them along. 

The transitional warnings or countdowns are important. I may have been exaggerating (but only a little) when I said that spirited kids will not let something go once they've focused on it. They will, some spirited children just need to be gently eased from one thing to another. There is no stressor greater to a spirited child (mine anyway) than sudden unexpected change. Talk things out, tell them what to expect, keep reminding, and be ready to reassure them if all the '2 more minutes' in the world won't ease the hurt of leaving the baked-goods section of the grocery store. or ya-know, whatever they're into that day. 

Independence: 

All kids have an independent streak at some point in their lives or several to some extent but, as is the definition we're working with here, spirited kids just seem to be 'more' independent. For me this is the hardest trait to cope with because massive amounts of independence for such a small child comes with equally massive amounts of mess, frustration, and tears (his and mine). I really push myself to recognize and accept when Oliver needs me to back off and on days when I am better at spotting this need we are both much happier. 

Set up your home to accommodate your spirited child at their age and stage. If you read any Montessori resources or blogs you'll find a lot of great ideas for doing this but here's my short list:
Step stools everywhere, only safe items within sight/reach, clothes where they can reach them and pick them, water cups where they can easily fill them, snacks within reach, and brooms and rags where they can get to them (because god forbid you step in to mop up the entire jug of milk he just tried to pour himself, that would be insulting.)

Also remember that everything you do within sight of your spirited child is fair game for them, think of ways they can help because spirited children are so independent that they actually reverse the usual parent-child helping relationship. Trust me, no matter how strong and capable you are, you need your spirited child's help. (or so i've been led to believe)

By making a lot of room in your life for this independence to blossom you will avoid power struggles and give your spirited kid the confidence, control, and responsibility they need to flourish. The word 'uncooperative' used to enter my vocabulary a lot when it came to Oliver but since letting go and respecting his need to do things (all the things!) for himself I have come to realize that he's just eager and independent and there's nothing wrong with that. 

On a more serious note this independence can get a bit scary when it comes to safety. Make sure that you have firm boundaries as to what they can and can't do for themselves. For example Oliver can walk ahead or behind me on the sidewalk but he MUST hold my hand to cross a street or parking lot or he will be carried. Spirited kids will resist these boundaries, they will test them repeatedly so stay close, practice lots, and make sure you are firm for as long as it takes for them to get into the habit. 

perceptiveness and sensitivity:

I often describe some of Oliver's 'quirks' to outsiders as 'sensory issues' since that's the buzz word that people seem to know. I am not discounting that this may actually be the case (we haven't 'officially' looked into it) but it is really common for spirited children to have a hard time coping with certain sensory stimuli. Because spirited children are 'more' perceptive and sensitive than most children it leaves them open to becoming easily overwhelmed. 

I come at this from two sides. First I try really hard to make sure that our home is comfortable for him. We keep radios and televisions on low when they are on but try to keep them off as much as possible, we make sure the lighting we choose is soft and non-irritating, we let Oliver pick clothing and bedding that pass his standards for being 'not scratchy', I only run the washer and dryer when he's sleeping or out of the house because the 'whirring' bothers him and I've stopped using scented products to clean our home or even for my own hygiene because I know it bothers him when things 'stink'. I want our home to be as comfortable for him as it is for us. But I am also working on helping him learn to cope with feeling overwhelmed. 

Here's the kicker to this one though: I may or may not be a little bit 'more' in this department as well so sometimes if there is a sound or smell or bad lighting situation that is overwhelming Oliver chances are it's setting me off as well. Sometimes the best I can hope for is to model an appropriate way to deal with the extra stress, other times I am able to walk him through it. We do a lot of deep breathing and humming, sometimes if we can we find a wall to put our backs on and close our eyes for a few minutes, or duck into a washroom or step outside for a breath of air. find out what seems to set your child off so you can avoid adding stress and come up with ways to cope (that are portable! that's important! this rarely happens at home in our controlled environment) that you can help your child with but that ultimately they will be able to use themselves when they need to. 

There are several other things that can make spirited kids tick, some of which may be surprising to you, I have only listed the ones that a) effect our family the most and b) I have come up with manageable solutions for coping with. If you are struggling, or just curious, I highly recommend the book quoted at the top of this post "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka for learning to better understand how you can help guide your child through the world being 'more'. In conclusion if all you come away from this post with is that your child is normal (in her own way) then I feel like I've gotten my point across. If you have experience raising spirited kids please comment below and lend some support for those of us who feel in over our heads half the time!  

Reading List: Pregnancy and Birth

I spent more money than I care to admit on parenting how-to books as a new mom. I wanted to be sure I was doing everything "right," and, in spite of my own mother's advice ("Throw those books away and listen to your baby!") spent many a late night devouring everything I could.

I don't like parenting how-to and advice books much these days. First because every child truly is different (and I have three now, and can actually say that with some degree of certainty!) and so what works for one will not work for another. Second, because the only "expert" on my child is me. And third, and probably most important, most of those how-to books set us up to fail. Many of these well meaning advisors tell you that if you do A, you will achieve B, and when that doesn't happen, we blame ourselves, or worse, sometimes our children.

I do, however, love to read books about pregnancy, birth, parenting, and mothering, especially those written by parents and mothers who also happen to be authors. I'd like to share some titles that I've loved especially, so this is the first post in a series of three titled, Reading List: Pregnancy and Birth. I hope you will enjoy some of these books as much as I have and I'd love to hear from you if you have any titles to add.

1. A Child is Born. Just an extraordinary collection of pictures. There's a lot of information in there, too, if you're a bit of a pregnancy junkie. If you've experienced a pregnancy loss, some of the images in the book may be difficult to look at--so please keep that in mind.

2. Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth. Whether you like Jenny McCarthy or not, whether you agree with her stance on vaccines and autism or not, this book is hysterical. I laughed out loud constantly and it was a great distraction when pregnancy seemed to last forever.

3. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. A fantastic choice if you're considering natural birth or want to learn more about it. (I cringe a bit at the word "Guide," as I don't think anyone can really guide you to give birth, but it's still chock full of important and useful information.)

4. Your Best Birth. Written by Abby Epstein and Ricki Lake, this is a great read if you're interested in knowing your choices about prenatal care and birth in the US (and who isn't?!). It sheds light on many aspects of maternity care and childirth in the US.

5. Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care. The title sounds a little scary, but this is a good book if you're planning to give birth in a hospital and want it to be drug free and natural. Some of the wording can sound a bit alarmist, so take it with a grain of salt and remember that YOU are your best advocate, and education is key.

6. Evidence of Harm: Mercury in Vaccines and the Autism Epidemic: A Medical Controversy. A must, must, MUST read if you are questioning vaccinations. I can't say enough how much this book changed my outlook and opened my eyes to so many different aspects of the vaccination debate. I will never look at government, pharmaceutical companies, and the medical establishment the same again.

7. What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Children's Vaccinations. I wish the author would publish an updated version of this book. It's got great information but some of it is slightly outdated. That said, I learned a great deal about how vaccines are made, the ingredients, possible adverse effects, and manufacturing issues.

8. The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child (Sears Parenting Library). By far the best and most comprehensive guide to vaccinations today. Dr. Sears is intelligent, objective, and remains respectful of parents' choices. There are also a few alternate vaccination schedules, one of which our family follows, which are invaluable.

All of these titles are available on Amazon.com. Happy reading!

Reading From the Parenting Nightstand

On Amazon alone, there are more than 80,000 books about parenting. I haven’t read all of them. I also haven’t read the much talked about Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom (I admit, I heard the story about how she kept her daughter at the piano until her daughter chewed the piano keys in protest, and I got scared.) or the much talked about Raising Bebe (I read the reviews though and that seemed enough). But I have read a lot, and I read a lot that the people I respect and admire recommend. So here’s some of my all time favorite list; I’ll post another list next week of more of my current favorites ( and if you have a favorite that’s not here, put it in the Comments!)

Parenting for a Peaceful World by Robin Grille

I think everyone should read this book – it’s by far my most favorite book and Grille is my personal hero. He goes into parenting practices of the past and explains the evolution of how one generation improves upon the other, and he does so in a way that is compassionate without placing blame on previous generations for child rearing ideas that now would be considered abusive or just plain whacko. He also links shifts in parenting to shifts in philosophy and world events (ie why the Holocaust started in Germany, not France or England). It's absolutely fascinating and eye opening.

Unconditional Parenting; Moving From Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

My other all time favorite book that I refer to regularly. I love it because it applies to all ages, all kids and all parents. Kohn gives us the tools to raise kids who behave, are respectful, who follow their inner values, and are intrinsically motivated. When I recommend this book, I often receive a doubtful look, as if Kohn's ideas are too good to be true, but I find he's dead on. I'd even consider it common sense; in a relationship based on rewards, it only works if kids want the rewards (or the bribes), which leaves parents constantly looking for a new trick to sway their children - and that doesn't sound fun for any one. Raising kids with love and reason, however, grants both parents and children with a relationship they can delight in.

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort

Often parents are told that they should ignore parenting books and advice for the simple reason that they know their children, they know themselves, they know their situation and values, and they therefore have enough to go on and should just trust their instincts. While I believe this to be often true, I also know that there are times that we think we're following our instincts, and what we're actually following is our own hard wiring - which isn't necessarily a good thing for some of us. Our children do something, and we react only to realize a moment later that our reaction doesn't reflect the kind of parent we are or want to be. Aldort points out that this is true for all of us and it doesn't help to beat ourselves up over these moments, but it does make a difference to get to the root of our reaction, for the sake of our own growth and development as parents.

You Are Your Child's First Teacher: What Parents Can Do With and For Their Children From Birth to Age Six by Rahima Baldwin

I read this book when my son was two, and it’s the one book I wished I had read before he was born, if only because of her insistence that you trust your instincts and your connection to your child. It’s a fantastic reminder to just relax and BE with your child – rather than rushing them off to some overpriced nonsense that advertises to increase your child’s aptitude for music, math and the arts and have them reading by the time they are done with diapers.

NurtureShock By Po Bronson and Ashley Merrill

Not necessarily a book that needs to be read before the arrival of baby, but definitely by the time a child enters pre-school. My husband teases me how I have my instincts about things, do a bunch of research until I find the people that agree with me, and then armed with their book in hand, I feel empowered enough to talk back to the people that suggest I’m off my rocker. This is why I love Bronson and Merryman: they did all the research that I didn’t have to to know I’m making the right choices for my son (and baby to be). I have a huge pet peeve when adults accuse children, toddlers and even babies (!) of being manipulative or lying, (especially when kids are actually just asking to have their basic needs met), now I can confidently talk back and point out that they probably are – because they learned it from their parents. They also deal with why praising backfires, and why the evaluations for giftedness are actually off.

Bright From the Start by Jill Stamm

I’m not one of those moms who wants her children reading by the time they turn three or is especially focused on future academic achievement. Mostly, I want to encourage my child’s natural curiosity and creativity, and Stamm offers the tools for this while also explaining developmentally what’s happening in the baby’s world. I find the more I understand the developmental phases, the easier it is to not take some of the difficult moments personally, since I know that whatever my child is doing is exactly the appropriate thing for him to be doing.

The Philosophical Baby by Alison Gopnik

I’ve long been a fan of Gopnik’s brother Adam and his New Yorker articles, but after this book by Alison Gopnik, I’d honestly do anything to be a guest or a fly on the wall at a Gopnik family Thanksgiving. Gopnik illustrates that babies are more conscious than we think they are, and even more conscious than adults are. They are busy little scientists and explorers, and while I was always in awe of my child, this book left me even more so – and just marveling at my son’s mind and in profound respect for his process.

Ice Pop Joy by Anni Daulter

Cookbooks or even cookbooks for feeding children don’t usually make lists of parenting reads, but Anni Daulter’s Popsicle cookbook makes the difference for me in my parenting life on an almost daily basis, given my son now eats between 1 and 4 a day. Consequently, this is the book I give as Christmas gifts and to new moms at baby showers.

In both of my pregnancies, popsicles were the mainstays of my happiness. I still get weak knees at the sight of a Trader Joe’s Key Lime Popsicle. My son shares my addiction, though my son also has a profound love of green juice (that green juice full of spinach, wheat grass, and algae. It sounds disgusting, but he loves it.) I, on a whim, one day took his beloved green juice, threw it in the blender with some pineapple and filled the Popsicle mold with it. Then, the next day when he asked for a popsicle for breakfast I felt like the best mom ever. Except for the fact that I had a rather limited repertoire.

Then I found Anni Daulter’s Ice Pop Joy. She has recipes for popsicles with yogurt, fruit, vegetables, tofu, even chocolate and all of them are kid-friendly. By kid-friendly, I mean all have some nutritional value and have enough sweetness to taste good, yet are not full of the kinds of sugar that send kids over the edge (I know many doctors say sugar intake and hyperactivity are not related. I don’t know that these doctors actually have children. If my child has 3 ounces of orange juice, he turns into a demon. He’s sugar sensitive, so we’re happy for recipes that use agave nectar or honey.) Those who have children with food sensitivities will find the recipes easy to amend (replace wheat germ with flax seeds for example).

My son loves the Breakfast Pops (Almond butter, bananas, yogurt, walnuts and wheat germ) though he will eat any of them for breakfast, even the Harvest Pops (apples, butternut squash, dried cranberries, wheat germ). Many of the recipes feature vegetables many kids won’t usually eat, spinach, zucchini, or yellow squash. Your child is sick? There are popsicles that boost her immune system and keep her hydrated. She also has tidbits of nutritional information sprinkled throughout that I refer to when I'm making things besides popsicles.