Help for First Time Pregnant Mothers

As two dear friends announce their pregnancies and begin on their journeys into motherhood, I want so much to ease their transitions. I want to wrap my arms and love around them and comfort them. I want to give them words of wisdom, but I'm not sure I know how.  I still feel a lot like a new mother myself.  So, what I can do is say the things I wish I could hop in a time machine and tell myself five years ago, knowing that my friends are on different roads of motherhood and have different hopes, fears, and experiences ahead of them than I had and as I have transitioned into having now.  

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to he a good one.

You will mess up. You will make wrong decisions. You will have regrets in your journey as a young mother.  Accept that and accept yourself at every stage. There is a wonderful quote about motherhood:
"The moment a child is born,

the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new." -Rajneesh

Remember in the early days that you are every bit as new and vulnerable as your baby. Just as life in the womb does little to prepare newborns for life outside the womb, your life before children does not really prepare you for the realities of mothering.  Be patient with yourself as you discover the mother you are meant to be.  Dust yourself off when you fall down and believe that with every stumble you are learning to run by learning your own boundaries and balance. Love yourself with the same compassion you give your baby.

Take your pregnancy to do two things: really connect with your partner and get as many house projects as you can done.

No matter how long you've been together and what your relationship has been and is like, having children is going to shift your relationship dramatically and sleep deprivation, stress, and finding your post baby equilibrium will all take a toll on your relationship. Build up as much romance and goodwill as you can.  Snuggle up and smooch as much as you can.  Make love both physically and emotionally with the things you do together.  Really savor these last few months when you are "you"--a couple without kids. It will be nearly twenty years before that will be the case again. As for the house projects, you cannot conceive of how much harder it is to get things done once the baby arrives. You may not think you have any time now, but post baby you will marvel at all the time you currently have.  Use it productively!

Learn about your birth options.

Educate yourself about your birth choices and know that you do have choices.  You do not have to give birth in the nearest hospital with a doctor a friend, cousin, or sister used.  Studies show that planned homebirth with a midwife can be just as safe and may result in a shorter labor with less interventions.  If you really are not comfortable with that option after researching it, you also have the options of birth centers with Certified Nurse Midwives, and independent birth centers with midwives.  You can also go to another hospital a bit further away.  You can still go the doctor at your closest hospital route, but learn what else is out there before you make your decision.  When you are in labor, the last thing you need to do is have things suggested to you that you know nothing about.  Take a good birthing class preferably not affiliated with a particular location and its practices so you can learn as much as you can.  Consider hiring a doula for your birth.  They are awesome women who will support you and your husband and greatly enhance your birth experience.


Learn about babywearing.

Wearing your baby is the absolute best thing you can do for both you and your baby.  Your baby gets to feel the security of being curled against you and you get the benefit of smelling that sweet baby smell and kissing the softest skin in the world while you get stuff done and eat things like burritos.  What's not to love?  Invest in a high quality carrier that protects your baby's hips.   You can learn all about them here and buy them used (Just in case your baby has other ideas about what s/he likes.). I will blog about that and the many benefits of baby wearing some other time. (Seriously, investing in a good carrier, wrap, or sling is the best baby item you can have.)

Buy used.

Whenever you can, buy gently used. Even the most well used baby clothes are still used for only a few months. If you want to cloth diaper, I highly recommend diaperswappers.  You can find huge lots of baby clothes of all sizes on ebay and craigslist, too, for a fraction of what you would buy new.  Consignment stores, donation stores, and specialty children stores are filled to the brim with gently used, like new, baby items.  If you have friends who already have children, see if you can borrow items that can really only be used a few months like swings, bouncy seats, infant bathtubs, etc.  Save your money as much as you can for the unexpected and for items you might use longer like high chairs, booster chairs, good car seats, and baby wearing gear.

Ask for gift cards instead of trying to register for baby items you may or may not use. 

Grandparents and family members are always excited about a new baby and particularly excited about a first baby.  They will want to help you as much as they can in their excitement.  Take them up on it, let them throw you a shower, but don't feel you have to register for a whole lot of stuff when you can often get it used for a fraction of the cost at Mom to Mom sales, garage sales, and gently used kids stores.  Instead ask for gift cards.  Gift cards for your favorite department store like Target or even your grocery store are particularly useful.  That way, once your baby

gets here and you learn more about what works for him/her and his/her personality, you will have the money to accommodate those things.  And don't be afraid to ask for things like gift certificates to stores that sell nursing bras/tops/etc. and for websites like etsy where you can buy washable nursing pads, unique diaper bags, slings, babywearing coats and all kinds of fun baby gear.


Most of all, love yourself and be open with whatever you are feeling when you are feeling it.

Pregnancy and first time motherhood are times of great emotional tumult.  Do not judge yourself too harshly for it.  Sleep in, baby yourself, and be open with how you are feeling!  Get into the habit now because it will only become harder as time goes on to get into the habit.  When your baby comes all your doubts and fears may go away, or maybe not.  You might feel instantly in love, but maybe not.  None of this means you will be or are a "bad" mother.  Just like babies are not born instantly knowing how to nurse, talk, walk, etc.  A woman who has just birthed a baby does not know everything all at once, either.  

Don't ever worry about what others "think" or even what you think you should "think," instead, go with what you "feel" is right every time.

Study all you want during your pregnancy, but be kind if the answers you find beforehand are not the ones that "feel" right once you have a baby.  Mother's intuition is real and don't be afraid to listen to it.  You will still make mistakes, but at least you will know that you did what you did because you were trying your best.  

I have a friend who was sure she would love bedsharing, full term nursing, cloth diapering, and a whole host of other "natural parenting" practices.  She learned through experience that while she did like some of those things, she did not like to do them for as long as she had thought and she actually couldn't stand some of them.  I just "knew" for all nine months I was pregnant with my first (and for years beforehand), that I would never, ever let a child sleep in my bed because I am too light of a sleeper, I would never be able to cloth diaper, I would nurse for twelve months maximum, I was too busy and lazy to worry about too much nutrition, and I would be a strict, traditional disciplinarian.  Now I am a co-sleeping, cloth diapering, full term breastfeeding, mother who believes passionately in gentle parenting and consequences rather than punishment and eating whole foods whenever possible.  I truly believe that this is the best course for my family and we are all better for it, but it took me a long time to get over the disconnect between what I had always "thought" was right and what I "felt" in my heart was right.  Then, just when I had everything figured out with my first, I had a second and discovered different things worked for him!  That's why comparing yourself to other mothers or trying to just clone what they do will never work. Every baby, every mother, every situation is different. Advice (even my advice) may be kindly offered, but don't feel you have to take it too seriously.  Save yourself some pain.  Go with your gut.  

Finally, get your mom and your best friends, both other moms and at least one non-mom, on speed dial.

Being a mother is the toughest job you'll ever love, but no one should feel like they are doing it alone.  In addition to working hard to stay open and connected with your partner, make sure to connect with other women.  They will know exactly how you feel and will not judge you for your "off days."  Your non-mom friend will help you remember who you were before you were a mother when you need it.  You will not believe how easy it is to forget that if you get too consumed.

All my love and good wishes for you on this journey to the woman and mother you were always destined to be.

Thanks for reading!
Shawna

Transparent isn't the same as Authentic: Choosing What to Share withSocial Media

There seems to be a misconception out there that who we are on our social media has to be a true representation of who we are in real life.  People complain it is not fair to keep some things private or to present an "ideal" or "best" version of our identities, families, partners, and children.  The general accusation is that by only presenting our "best" selves we are actively working to undermine others' opinions of their own lives and are making them feel bad about themselves.  I couldn't disagree more.  Here's why: other people's lives, their struggles, their embarrassments have nothing to do with you.  Likewise, their successes, their strengths, and their joys have nothing to do with you, either.  If you are basing your self worth or are judging your life as inferior because of someone else's facebook profile, than you are using the wrong basis for comparison.  The only kids your kids should be compared to are the best versions you know they can be of themselves.  The only partner your partner should ever be compared to is the best version of himself/herself.  The only basis of comparison you should have for yourself is the "you" that you want to be.

While I try to be pretty open about the struggles I face as a woman, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a writer, and a mom on this blog and on my personal facebook page, I am also very careful about what I talk about or portray about my children, husband, and family because their struggles are their own.  I try very carefully to only say things that I would say in front of them, if not now than in years to come.  Who knows how long my digital trail will last and it is my utmost desire to make sure that what my sons read when they are older about themselves through my eyes are all things that I would want them to know and hear.  Do we have tough moments?  Sure.  Do I have mean mom moments when I think ungenerous things about those I love? Absolutely.  Do I struggle with how much of my struggle to reveal?  You bet. I will never claim to be an absolutely open book when it comes to those I love or even myself on social media.  I will always present them in the same positive light that I want them to see themselves in.  I feel my words are powerful and I would never want a misplaced word to cause my sons or my husband or any one else I love to judge themselves harshly or to feel judged through my eyes.

I feel strongly that while our social media should probably be a representation of our "authentic" selves, it does not need to be a representation of every facet of us or every whim and emotion we experience and we certainly don't need to share every unflattering thing we know about our children or our partners!  Our "authentic" selves are the selves that are realistic, multi-dimensional and represent what we overall are like.  If we over share every mistake we make, we are not sharing our "authentic" selves because we are sharing mistakes that don't really define us or shouldn't really define us in our own minds or in the minds of others.  If we over share every success, we are not sharing our "authentic" selves because we are also only showing a small part of who we are.  I am perfectly comfortable meeting people where they want me to meet them.  I'd much rather know about people's accomplishments and joys so that I may celebrate with them and know only about the struggles they feel comfortable sharing with me than to have everyone know everything in a public space like social media.  If I wouldn't feel comfortable announcing something to the local paper or announcing it in the front yard, I probable wouldn't offer it up to social media because it is the virtual version of the same thing.  Just because giving everyone access to everything is one click away now does not mean that we have to share everything with everyone.  My facebook page represents an authentic version of me, but only my close friends and family know the complete "real" me warts and all.  I only share all of my struggles with those who love all of me. That's my policy.

What do you say?
Shawna

Remembering Infertility: Honoring the Child of Your Heart

I'm not sure there is anything more frustrating than trying for a baby. . . especially in a culture that treats the decision to have a baby as some sort of given.  We are encouraged to "plan" our babies and to "try" when our lives are stable and all circumstances are perfectly ready.  So, we wait and we plan that pregnancy for the perfect time .  . . and then we learn that babies, even when planned, come in their own time (and sometimes not at all).  To have all our illusions of control over conception stripped away so thoroughly may be an excellent precursor of what motherhood is like at every stage, but that knowledge is little comfort when you are still trying to make the child of your heart and your dreams incarnate.   I have read about the Himba tribe in Namibia where a child's age is not counted from when the child is born, but from when his or her parents first decided they wanted a child.  So, a child who is ten years in the making is considered ten from the very day s/he was born.  Imagine going through your life knowing not just how long you've been on this earth, but also how much you are wanted and knowing what a struggle your parents had in conceiving you and how dedicated they were to you before you even officially existed.  Imagine those children who were hardest to conceive being the most recognized and celebrated in the community.  Imagine if our culture recognized that we do not all have such easy control of our fertility and we should celebrate those who labored the longest to have their children (however those children end up coming whether through biological, natural conception, fertility treatments, or adoption) by recognizing not only their achievement in getting a child but also their journey to getting that child (whether that child is their first, second, or even third or fifth).

Last month was Pregnancy/Infant Loss month and I saw many beautiful links going across my facebook feed and I am thrilled that a topic that was so taboo that it seemed like no one ever talked about it as recently as ten years ago, is suddenly getting the attention it deserves.  Yet, October was also Infertility Awareness Month and I saw very little about this topic and I've seen very little during its awareness week in April .  I get it; it's a little awkward to talk about it.  Unlike a lost pregnancy or an infant loss where the pain of the loss is easier for everyone to recognize (if not easier for people to talk about), the pain of the loss of the opportunity for life is a lot harder for people to grasp perhaps especially for those who have always gotten pregnant when they wanted to or even without wanting to.  So, I want to take a moment to recognize that the loss of the opportunity to have a baby cuts deeply every single month it happens and even if you aren't being public about your efforts to get pregnant, I want to take this moment to recognize you and to tell you that your journey is just as important as the journey of those who have gotten pregnant while you've been trying.  It seems like only yesterday it was me waiting for my period to restart (for over two years after having my first baby) and then crying in frustration every month there after as I waited for it to stop again proving that I was once again pregnant.  It did not take me as long to get pregnant as it does many other people, but it was long enough for me to fully appreciate and recognize the miracle that my second child is.  While many out there are still trying for their first child or their second child, I now have my youngest son in my arms.  I am forever grateful for that, but my good fortune does not blind me to the painful journey you are still on.  I want you to know that I see you, I recognize you, and I care about you and your journey.  It is my wish that every woman who currently has a child of her heart will also have a child in her arms one day and that child will understand exactly how wanted and blessed s/he is to have been wanted for so long before he/she was in your arms.

I just wanted to take this moment to let you know this.  So, if this is not the month, may it be next month and know that you are not alone.  There are thousands of women out there who struggle along with you.  Some of those women have talked very openly about their own struggles with infertility on this very blog (Kayce has written about this topic often in the past and Amy has written about her very painful journey).  Know that you ARE seen.  You ARE loved.  You ARE NOT failing. And you ARE a mother to a beautiful child of your heart.  I want to honor that and honor you.  May your journey end soon with a child in your arms.

Thanks for reading, 

Shawna

I want her to say...

Everyone has to parent the way that rings true for them. The way that tells their Mama heart that they are doing what is best for their baby. I'm an AP mama for that very reason. Gwen thrives in that hands on, child-focused style; and it emphasizes the things that I love about her and for her (independence, respect vs. obedience).


When Gwen grows up, I want her to say

 ... that she always had a voice and that voice always meant something.
 ... that her Daddy and I were there whenever she needed an ear, and that she felt comfortable telling us what was on her mind and in her heart.
 ... that expectations were straight forward and obtainable.
 ... that if the answer was No, she always knew why.
 ... that she didn't get everything she wanted, but that she had everything she needed, plus some.
 ... that compassion and a consciousness of others and our surroundings were important from an early age.
 ... that she was appreciated and valued.
 ... that there was never a doubt in her heart that her mama loved her and was there for her. Period.

pain and comfort

Little hand, big hand

Recently we had our second experience with the dreaded Nursemaid's Elbow, our third trip to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, my first time taking her by myself. We are so lucky to live by such an amazing Hospital. While obviously I'd rather never need it, if the situation arises, I'm so glad we have CHOP. Its wonderful to feel you are in loving, capable hands, since otherwise, situations like this can leave you feeling so helpless. I'm not a panicky person in general, and when push comes to shove I can always get done what needs to get done for my family... but boy does my mama heart break when my girl is in pain and I can't fix it.

This recent experience took me back, first to January and a dark, late night trip to the ER for her weird symptoms and pain (turned out to be a new presentation of Hand Foot and Mouth); then to this time last year, her first experience with Nursemaid's Elbow, my girl holding her arm, whimpering. She's forward facing now, and I was driving, so a different feel, but those times she was rearfacing and I sat in the back with her as she fell asleep in her seat on the way home. She reached out with her little hand and grasped mine, soothed by my physical presence.

Oh did she seem so small to me then, and that fact, well that took me all the way back, to that very first ride home. My brand new baby, the weighty new responsibility. I sat in the back with her that first time, just staring, and her little hand, it found mine then too.

So much changes with Gwen every single day. She's bigger, doing more and saying more, always learning. One hurt elbow though, and we're right back to day one. As parent's we aren't charged with making sure that our children never experience pain, but we are burdened with the wish that we could! Life, really living life, entails that at some point there will be physical and emotional pain. That doesn't make watching it any easier. So I hold out my hand and sooth her as I can.

Mothering Your Friendships

Earlier this month, I had the honor to host/attend my first Mother's Blessing. It was a very special event and if you have never heard of one, I highly recommend you look them up! A Mother's Blessing or Blessingway is a ceremony/party held for a mother to be that celebrates her and the difficult transition she is facing into being the mother of a new little soul (even if it is the fourth or fifth little soul she has brought into the world). It differs from a baby shower in that the focus is on the challenges the mother faces in labor or in the weeks/months/years after the baby is born. The gifts guests bring are usually practical ones like frozen meals for the family or tokens for the mother to hold during labor or just when she needs strength. The women also make a plan to nurture the burgeoning family after it has been expanded. It's a chance for women to get together and build up the confidence and love a mother needs right before her newborn is born. Although I could go on about the amazingness of Mother's Blessings forever, I think I will save it for a future blog.

In the case of this Mother's Blessing, one of my favorite parts of the ceremony actually turned out to be the introductions. I had asked each of the guests to tell us who they were and tell a story about what the woman we were throwing the Mother's Blessing for meant to each of us. There were quite a few tears as we each told stories of how this amazing mother of (now) two also managed to inspire and help each of us. Although many of the guests didn't really know each other, none of us were surprised by how each of us felt about such a great friend and inspiring woman. However, the guest of honor seemed shocked. She kept exclaiming "What?" It was as if our amazing friend and mom-inspiration, Rachael, had no idea how motivating and invigorating she was not only to her own family, but to her friends as well. She did not know who she really was to the rest of the world!

This got me thinking. While moms are excellent at simultaneously seeing both the potential and the challenges of our children, I'm not sure we turn that double vision on ourselves enough. In our quests to be the best moms we can be and to reach our own ideals of what that should be, I don't think we pay enough attention to what we do impressively well for our friends, for our families (including extended families), and our communities. Too often, we seem to focus on our flaws. We berate ourselves for them, we attempt to forgive ourselves for them, we write about them, but we forget that for every flaw, we also have an inspirational skill inside of us.

So, I have a challenge for you today. Since it is so hard to remember to praise yourself, maybe you can praise a friend or a family member today instead. Let her know exactly what she means to you, just as she is (even if her day is not going perfectly) and what an amazing mother she is to you. Maybe if we all take turns mothering each other, we can each get better at mothering ourselves!

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

5 Things Moms Want In a Doctor

Most doctors and pediatricians get into the profession because they want to help people. Most pre-med students and doctors I've talked to always say that they got interested in medicine because they want to make people feel better, they had a positive medical experience or a negative one (either themselves or through a relative) and they want either emulate that experience or make it better for others, or they love science and want to make life better for others. I've never heard anyone say that they want to go into medicine because they want to intimidate people, de-humanize people, ignore people, or condemn people for decisions that they've researched more thoroughly than they have. And yet, I've known many moms who have mentioned these three exact reasons for why they are switching doctors either for themselves or their children. I've even read about moms who purposefully lie or refuse to discuss things with their doctors for fear of being disrespected, disregarded, and disparaged. I'm sure that there are no doctors out there who would say that what they want patients to do is lie to them. So, where's the disconnect coming from?

I think that most doctors, even the ones who the moms are complaining about, probably do want to help people, they just aren't aware of what they are doing that isn't helping. So, I talked to some moms through the connected mom facebook page and some of the moms I know in real life, and I decided to compile a list to let doctors and pediatricians know what it is that parents really want in a doctor. These are the keys to getting parents to stay with your practice and developing honest, long term, and open communication with your patients.

1. Be honest yourself.
Be honest not just about what you know, but also about the scope of your knowlege and what you don't know. Don't be afraid to say when you don't know something or you haven't done much research about something. This sounds like one that would be easy, but when you are in a position of authority, you might have the urge to pretend you know more than you do. Don't. That was one of the biggest red flags moms complained about with doctors. Parents care about your credentials and that you are knowledgeable, but they care more about your honesty. My son had to go in for cranial surgery when he was ten months old because of a dermoid cyst located between his growth plates in his skull. The first two doctors I saw in our family practice were very honest with me that they thought it was probably a harmless cyst, but they honestly didn't know what kind of cyst could be so rigid and if that cyst was dangerous. They then gave me the option of pursuing more tests and seeing specialists. Their honesty helped me to get an accurate diagnosis for my son and he ended up with a surgery. It turns out that had the doctors bluffed me into false security, my son likely would have ended up with brain damage because we were (literally) micrometers away from neural damage. I did not choose new family doctors and I did not lose confidence in them because of their honesty. Instead, their lack of knowledge became an integral part of my decision making and likely saved my son from permanent consequences.

2. Treat every patient (no matter how small) as important
One of the most beautiful responses to my question of "What do you look for in a pediatrican or a doctor?" came from a mom on the facebook page. She wrote: "At my son's first pediatrician appointment, she took him in her arms,looked directly in his eyes and said "Welcome to the world, I am so very glad to meet you!" Another mom wrote, "I also look for a pediatrician (or family doctor) that actually talks to us, especially our daughter, rather than asking question after question. You get a lot more by talking to a child about their lives than asking pointed questions at their parents." Moms were clear that they didn't care how long they had to wait for an appointment as long as they felt they and their child were well cared for during their own appointments. Little differences, like making eye contact, asking before you touch them or their child, talking about the child's health rather than just running down the checklist of questions, made all the difference in whether or a parent would continue taking their child to you. As yet another mom put it, "If a doctor acts like they're too busy for me, it's always my last appointment with them."

3. Be respectful.
Parents look to you to provide accurate, educated health information and recommendations to parents so that they can make good decisions for themselves and their children. Because they are in the position to make the ultimate decisions, remember to respect their questions and their opinions, even if they are different from your own. One mom wrote about her annoyance with her doctor's fixation on her child's place on the low end of the growth chart. She and her husband are both small themselves and were also small as children. While it is her doctor's job to point out that her child falls outside the norm on the growth chart, the mom knows that her child eats well and is healthy. She gets frustrated that the doctor seems to "judge" her for not wanting to take action.

Likewise, there may be times when you disagree with a parent's choice such as when a parent chooses not to vaccinate, but you must respect that even though they have made a choice that you may not approve of even after you have given them all the information you feel is important. The decision is ultimately their's and not yours. Most moms seem to be fine with you giving an opinion contrary to their own as long as you show them respect for theirs. As another mom put it, "The most important thing for me is getting a sense of mutual respect. I don't feel like I need a pediatrician who agrees with all my parenting choices, but I do need someone who respects them and whose opinion I can respect. I want someone who will work with me and who is alright with me being informed and engaged, not someone who will do whatever because he says so."

4.Don't overstep your bounds.
Be clear between your research and your opinion. If a parent asks your opinion, of course you should give it, but make a clear delineation between what you know from personal experience and research and what you just think. Offer it as a piece of advice not "doctor's orders." For example, if a tired parent comes in and asks about sleep pattern normalcy, tell them what you have researched as in the normal range for that age because that is the medical, physical answer, but don't offer opinions on what that parent should or shouldn't be doing. You are offering medical information, but parenting decisions are up to each parent. You may never choose to bedshare, breastfeed, or cloth diaper, and you may believe that tantrums should be ignored or that infants shouldn't be held too often, but these are all highly personal parenting decisions that should be made by the person with the most experience with each individual child. While you may have seen that child every month for about twenty minutes to an hour since he or she was born, that parent has been with them all that time plus the other 23 hours a day. As one mom put it, "I really don't like it when doctors give you parenting advice, such as what to do about a temper tantrum, how to get your child to not throw things on the floor, sleep training, etc. I feel they are not trained in it and don't have any authority in that area[.]"

5. Don't forget how important everything you do can be.
What may be a routine diagnosis or procedure for you, may be intensely scary or life changing for a parent or a child. Make sure to show your compassion for people alongside your passion for medicine. Make sure that you soothe nerves and worries as well as you heal wounds. I remember that the second my son went limp from the anesthesia for his operation, my child was taken from me and I was told to "quickly give him a kiss and walk away." When it took me more than three seconds to respond and disappear, I was given the order more sternly. I understand that they were in a hurry to intubate him and that they were focused on my son's surgical needs and the task at hand, but they clearly didn't realize that my whole life was on that table and that I needed a few seconds to process that. I needed someone to actually look me in the eye and say, "We'll take care of your baby."

Thanks for reading and I hope this has reached a well meaning doctor somewhere!

Shawna