Life After the Rainbow

We had seven losses before our beautiful rainbow was born.  She lights up our lives in ways we didn't know we needed.  We have two beautiful daughters, and they are both such incredible miracles.

However, it isn't all sunshine.  In some ways having our miracle baby makes the pain of losses easier and in other ways having her here makes it all so much harder.  The pain isn't gone.  Having a baby after loss doesn't mean the pain didn't happen.  You can be happy and joyous, yet sad at the same time, and that is completely okay!!

Milestones she reaches are bittersweet.  I love how fast she learns things and how smart she is, but seeing her reminds me I didn't get that with our other children.  It doesn't make the joy at seeing her learn any less, but sometimes it means that it takes time for me to truly feel the joy that used to be so easy when our oldest daughter did these same things.

One thing I have learned through all of this was I needed to forgive myself and let myself have the space and time needed to feel the grief and joy that sometimes feels never ending.  It doesn't mean that I take her for granted, it doesn't mean that I am not so very happy she is alive and thriving, it just means that I am being the best mother I can be, to all my children.

You need to allow yourself to feel all you need.  Pregnancy after so many losses was exhausting.  I was constantly terrified I would wake up one morning and it would all be over, just like the others.  I couldn't let my guard down.  I was terrified to love the baby growing inside me.  I struggled with depression and anxiety, and amplified by hormones I was a mess.

Preparing for a freebirth made me work through the fears I had, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  The actual birth was the most powerful I have ever felt, but that simple act wasn't enough to take away all the fear.

As it nears my rainbow's first birthday, I think of all we went through to get her here, and all that I still struggle with.  The upcoming holiday season also makes it all the more apparent.

I'm slowly relaxing and some anxiety is lifting, but I still have a hard time leaving her or her sister with anyone I'm not very very close to.  I still have flashes in my mind of something happening her.

Once you lose a baby, the innocence you had before is gone.  And if you struggled with it before losing a child, it becomes amplified.

During this holiday season and always, please know there are so many places to find support.  Websites such as Unspoken Grief and Stillbirthday, twitter, facebook, in person support groups.  Such a wide variety of support and understanding, so please reach out.  And I am always available, so please send an email (connectedmom.kayce@gmail.com) if you would like information on anything, or even just to talk. 

Just because you've received your miracle doesn't mean your grief stops.  Feel what you need to feel, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Remembering Infertility: Honoring the Child of Your Heart

I'm not sure there is anything more frustrating than trying for a baby. . . especially in a culture that treats the decision to have a baby as some sort of given.  We are encouraged to "plan" our babies and to "try" when our lives are stable and all circumstances are perfectly ready.  So, we wait and we plan that pregnancy for the perfect time .  . . and then we learn that babies, even when planned, come in their own time (and sometimes not at all).  To have all our illusions of control over conception stripped away so thoroughly may be an excellent precursor of what motherhood is like at every stage, but that knowledge is little comfort when you are still trying to make the child of your heart and your dreams incarnate.   I have read about the Himba tribe in Namibia where a child's age is not counted from when the child is born, but from when his or her parents first decided they wanted a child.  So, a child who is ten years in the making is considered ten from the very day s/he was born.  Imagine going through your life knowing not just how long you've been on this earth, but also how much you are wanted and knowing what a struggle your parents had in conceiving you and how dedicated they were to you before you even officially existed.  Imagine those children who were hardest to conceive being the most recognized and celebrated in the community.  Imagine if our culture recognized that we do not all have such easy control of our fertility and we should celebrate those who labored the longest to have their children (however those children end up coming whether through biological, natural conception, fertility treatments, or adoption) by recognizing not only their achievement in getting a child but also their journey to getting that child (whether that child is their first, second, or even third or fifth).

Last month was Pregnancy/Infant Loss month and I saw many beautiful links going across my facebook feed and I am thrilled that a topic that was so taboo that it seemed like no one ever talked about it as recently as ten years ago, is suddenly getting the attention it deserves.  Yet, October was also Infertility Awareness Month and I saw very little about this topic and I've seen very little during its awareness week in April .  I get it; it's a little awkward to talk about it.  Unlike a lost pregnancy or an infant loss where the pain of the loss is easier for everyone to recognize (if not easier for people to talk about), the pain of the loss of the opportunity for life is a lot harder for people to grasp perhaps especially for those who have always gotten pregnant when they wanted to or even without wanting to.  So, I want to take a moment to recognize that the loss of the opportunity to have a baby cuts deeply every single month it happens and even if you aren't being public about your efforts to get pregnant, I want to take this moment to recognize you and to tell you that your journey is just as important as the journey of those who have gotten pregnant while you've been trying.  It seems like only yesterday it was me waiting for my period to restart (for over two years after having my first baby) and then crying in frustration every month there after as I waited for it to stop again proving that I was once again pregnant.  It did not take me as long to get pregnant as it does many other people, but it was long enough for me to fully appreciate and recognize the miracle that my second child is.  While many out there are still trying for their first child or their second child, I now have my youngest son in my arms.  I am forever grateful for that, but my good fortune does not blind me to the painful journey you are still on.  I want you to know that I see you, I recognize you, and I care about you and your journey.  It is my wish that every woman who currently has a child of her heart will also have a child in her arms one day and that child will understand exactly how wanted and blessed s/he is to have been wanted for so long before he/she was in your arms.

I just wanted to take this moment to let you know this.  So, if this is not the month, may it be next month and know that you are not alone.  There are thousands of women out there who struggle along with you.  Some of those women have talked very openly about their own struggles with infertility on this very blog (Kayce has written about this topic often in the past and Amy has written about her very painful journey).  Know that you ARE seen.  You ARE loved.  You ARE NOT failing. And you ARE a mother to a beautiful child of your heart.  I want to honor that and honor you.  May your journey end soon with a child in your arms.

Thanks for reading, 

Shawna

Giving Thanks and Never Giving Up

I wrote the following post just over 2 weeks ago, the night before finding out my baby was dead at 16 weeks.  In an ironic twist of fate, I had been up all night passionately writing, all about our infertility journey and how excited we were about our pregnancy.  We never dreamed we’d be able to have our first daughter, much less a second child, and I wanted to inspire hope for those who thought even one child may be unattainable.  I wasn’t going to publish what I’d written, because of the obvious devastation.  But a friend pointed out that perhaps I was writing this for my future self.  Maybe I need to heed the very advice I set out to convey to others about perseverance and never giving up on your dreams.  When I wrote it, I hadn’t the slightest idea that 3 hours later I’d wake up, go to a routine OBGYN appointment and receive the news that there was no heartbeat at 16 weeks.  No clue that I’d lay on that table while they double checked with an ultrasound, weeping and wailing once it was confirmed.  That everything we’d planned for was gone, and our whole world would be turned upside down in an instant.  So I decided to post what I’d written – for you and for me…

My second child is due this May.  It will be nearly 4 years to the day since I heard the doctor utter the one word I never thought I’d hear at 33 years old….hysterectomy.  I went into that appointment with such high hopes, thinking I’d finally found a specialist who would help me fix everything.  Needless to say, I was completely blind-sided by the recommendation.  Friends and family encouraged me, and even my husband felt that my quality of life was more important, and perhaps it was time to give up on having a baby.  I considered it…and came pretty close to going through with it.

My story is not a short and sweet one, nor is it an easy read.  But my hope is that for those of you who are going through it, I can provide a little bit of hope and exemplify just how important it is to keep yourself educated, have the courage to persevere even when everything seems stacked against you, and most importantly - never simply trust the word of a doctor because they say so.  For those of you who have not gone through it, or may know someone going through it, I sincerely hope you will take the time to read my story, so that you may have a better understanding of something that is so painful, and such a taboo topic of discussion.  It’s easy to just rattle off a list of treatments and surgeries, but there is so much more to it than that.  So much more physical and emotional pain with every cycle - so much heartbreak.  Infertility has to be one of the most isolating difficulties a couple can face.  It is such a unique sadness that at times it can feel like even friends and family just never seem to know how to comfort you unless they’ve been through it themselves.  And when it comes to acquaintances, somehow people can muster far more sympathy and even empathy for illness, but mention the word “ovary,” and most get flustered and seem confused as to why you would even say such a thing. 

Above and beyond the feelings of isolation, the daily physical pain and complications that came with my afflictions and nearly every treatment I sought, the greatest challenge by far was finding knowledgeable doctors, and continually educating myself.  I have had two different doctors tell me at two different post-op appointments that they had “no idea what that was” growing inside of me.  Unfortunately, these statements were regarding two completely different things.  To this day, I’m appalled by the fact that I had to contact a friend at the U Penn library to access medical journals so I could research these things myself.  I just couldn’t believe that a doctor would simply show up after looking inside my body during a surgery and basically say, “Yeah, um…there’s something growing in there…I got nothin’ – no clue what that is…have a nice day.”  One removed what he found (a web of scar tissue filling the inside of my entire uterus) in what turned out to be the worst method possible, and the other simply left what he found, because as of my final surgery, these other mystery growths are completely covering all of my organs in my entire pelvic region, and couldn’t be removed without scraping and damaging everything.  

It can be a little unsettling to hear that foreign things are growing all over your organs, with only a pathology report to guide your way to interpret the findings.  I tracked down a man who wrote the one article I found on the subject, just to make sure this was not something that had the possibility of becoming malignant.  Why was that my responsibility as the patient?  I would think a doctor would be inclined to take on the challenge of figuring it out in the 14 days time to the post-op appointment, and would feel like a fool to simply admit incompetence.  Yet, time and time again they did.  And every time they stopped asking questions, I’d move on to another doctor.

In three years time, I went through six doctors.  I had 3 surgeries in the last year and a half of that time, all performed by different doctors.  The first two surgeries each unveiled a completely new problem, which explained why all previous fertility treatments were utterly futile.  The doctor who diagnosed my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) decided to simply send me home with prescriptions for 3 months worth of Clomid to make me ovulate, and Metformin for the PCOS, and told me to come back in 3 months if I wasn’t pregnant.  It was only through meeting other women on the Medhelp.org infertility forum that I discovered the standard protocols of treatment that my doctor was completely neglecting.  He refused to do ultrasound monitoring for residual ovarian cysts, even though it is quite common when stimulating polycystic ovaries for extra cysts to linger (hence the name - polycystic).  As a result, I was in the ER 3 times in my 7 months on Clomid for cyst ruptures.  Other things he overlooked were testing my husband’s sperm before putting me on all these drugs, checking that my tubes were open with an HSG (hysterosalpingogram), and most importantly, taking my progesterone levels each cycle to make sure the drugs were working and making me ovulate.  I had to kick and scream and force them to do all of these things, months into treatment.  Turns out the pills didn’t work several times, and by the end, I was on the maximum dose.  Needless to say, having to battle them to get the proper care, and ultimately not receiving it when it came to monitoring for cysts, only compounded the emotional stress and drain that came with each failed cycle. 

Despite my increasing cyclical pain, prescribing me 40 oxycodone for my monthly cramps, and once even hospitalizing me overnight when painkillers were not enough to control my cramps, this doctor refused to entertain the notion that endometriosis was a possibility.  I even had a family history of it.  The next doctor confirmed this diagnosis with my first surgery, and found the endometrial implants were pulling on my fallopian tubes.  When I asked if that could’ve been inhibiting the egg from successfully getting to my uterus to be fertilized during all those months on Clomid, she said, “Absolutely!”  She also discovered that the greater source of my pain was probably adenomyosis – a condition where the endometrial tissue grows within the muscular walls of the uterus.  And just as with endometriosis, where the implants scattered throughout the pelvis act as they would if they were inside the uterus – swelling with blood and then shedding it once a month in a foreign place, the same happens with the implants within the muscular wall in adenomyosis.  Because of this, it had really gotten to the point where there was very little time in my cycle when I was even remotely comfortable or pain free.  Every day I would wake up not knowing if I was going to be incapacitated in pain that day, or just have random stabbing pains where I could manage to function.  Unfortunately, unlike endometriosis, the implants cannot simply be removed, since they are in the muscular walls.  The only way to cure it is to remove the muscle all together – the uterus.

With this news came great frustration, but also comfort in knowing what I was facing, and the assumption that now that the endometriosis had been removed, I may at least have a shot at conceiving.  I simultaneously began seeing a reproductive endocrinologist that we had to pay out of pocket for.  So began the daily hormone injections in the belly, the IUI (intrauterine insemination) and IVF (invitro fertilization) cycles, and failure after failure.  Early miscarriages, complications like ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and after my egg retrieval for my first IVF, I was not exactly optimistic because I showed up for the embryo transfer doubled over in pain with a terrible fever and awful pelvic infection.  For those of you who may not be familiar with the egg retrieval process in IVF, a vaginal probe is inserted with a large needle on the end of it.  The needle goes through the vagina and all the way up into the tender, swollen ovaries that have been stimulated to produce sometimes dozens of follicles with eggs, and each follicle is stabbed with the needle to extract the egg.  Each time I had it done I had 18 eggs removed, many women can have more.  You then have 3 or 5 days to hurry up and heal, before growing embryos are implanted back into the uterus.

After two failed IUI’s and a failed IVF, 10 months had passed since the first surgery and the daily pain was intolerable again.  Since the first had provided some relief, I scheduled a second surgery with a new doctor, who I’d recently switched to after many other incidents of incompetence by my last one.  This time, he decided to take a look INSIDE my uterus, where he found a dense web of intrauterine adhesions (scar tissue filling my uterus).  Aside from hearing the final doctor recommend the hysterectomy a few months after this, the post-op appointment for this surgery was perhaps the other rock bottom moment of my infertility journey.  I was informed that he found this tissue and that he had never, ever seen anything like it before (but removed it anyway).  He repeatedly emphasized while shaking his head and almost grimacing that I had “Just a boggy, BOGGY uterus!” – a term used to describe the severity of adenomyosis and how flaccid the muscular tissue is because it’s composed of blood filled implants.  He also handed me my pathology report, which described the samples of tissue taken from my uterine wall as “necrosis,” or dead.  Then he wanted to do another ultrasound to check on things, but I had to wait while he went next door first.  I sat there, trying to hold it together with the knowledge that all those recent fertility treatments were again futile given my uterus had been filled with scar tissue the whole time, that I was now up against some other unknown factor that this dipshit hadn’t bothered to research, that I’d now be forced to move onto another doctor again, and that word – “necrosis” just lingered in my head and made me feel like my womb was dead inside and I had no chance of ever conceiving.  In the meantime, he went next door to give an ultrasound to a VERY pregnant woman I had seen in the waiting room.  Through paper thin walls, I got to hear them talking about the positioning, what that meant for the impending delivery, their excitement, their laughter…  It took everything I had to wait until I got to the curb where I waited for my husband to pick me up before I began sobbing uncontrollably.

The news of what I would later learn was called Asherman’s Syndrome led me to find someone who was actually listed on the websites for this extremely rare affliction as a specialist, and astoundingly, he happened to work in the same office as my reproductive endocrinologist.  Unfortunately, even though he was only an OB/GYN, since he was affiliated with a fertility clinic my insurance wouldn’t pay.  In the meantime, I rather foolishly attempted another IUI and another IVF, thinking since he had taken the scar tissue out, all systems were a go!  More early miscarriages…more failure. 

I did a little more research and heard of something called ovarian drilling as a treatment for PCOS.  I was bound and determined that all the other doctors were incapable of cleaning me up properly inside, and I would go see this specialist, ask him to do the job, and at the same time perform the ovarian drilling.  It’s a procedure that has less than a 50% chance of inducing ovulation, and even less getting pregnant, but at this point, I decided I was done with the fertility treatments.  I couldn’t take ANYMORE hormones or procedures that caused my ovaries to swell with pain.  The drilling had at least a small chance of getting me pregnant naturally.  However, we had no means of paying for it all.  So after three years of me being in and out of employment and on and off bed rest, all the while paying in part for fertility treatments, we ended up putting our first home, a house we poured our hearts and souls into fixing up, on the market.

I marched into this specialist’s office with such enthusiasm that I’d found my savior.  I told him my story, and again, by this time another 8 months had passed since my second surgery, and the intolerable daily pain was back.  I told him I wanted the ovarian drilling, and if he could clean up any remaining scar tissue in my uterus (properly) as well as any endometrial implants I thought I had a shot.  He stopped me dead in my tracks.  He refused to do the drilling on the grounds that he was concerned about creating more scar tissue on my ovaries and causing more pain.  He told me it was time to consider giving up, and in his best judgment I should probably just get a hysterectomy. 

Like I said, I considered it, and quite seriously.  I was enduring a lot of pain at the time.  But after attending NYU, Drexel University, SUNY Cortland and Cornell for three different majors, the only thing I was ever sure of in my life was that I wanted to be a mom.  And not just be a mom, but HAVE a baby – hopefully several.  It was the only thing I’ve ever felt in my heart that I knew I wanted to do and be.  I couldn’t give up.  I also knew deep down that if I gave up then, that I would hold such deep resentment for the rest of my life for those incompetent idiots that had failed in my care all of those years.  And not just the ones for the 3 years prior, but all those doctors who never recognized the signs of my PCOS and endometriosis all along, and never treated me until my PCOS had progressed to the point where I gained 60 pounds in two years regardless of changing my diet and exercising, and my endometriosis was getting me hospitalized for menstrual cramps.  I had to at least try one last time with someone who I felt confident in, so that if it didn’t work after that I could be more at peace.

I went back into his office teary-eyed, and literally begged and pleaded.  I told him that “no” was not an option.  He very reluctantly agreed, and the surgery was scheduled just 2 weeks before we closed on our house and moved.  We paid for the surgery with what we made off of the sale of our home, and moved into my mother in law’s house.  Leaving our first home to move into someplace where another’s belongings occupied every nook and cranny was not easy. 

The surgery was a phenomenal success.  The first month immediately after, I ovulated completely naturally but did not get pregnant.  The second month, I got pregnant with our first daughter!  Of course, even that had a roller coaster start.  Initially some things were spotted on the ultrasound that were perceived as loose blood, and no heartbeat was detected by 7 weeks.  I was told to go home and wait to miscarry.  I remember very unsuccessfully attempting to work at the coffee shop where I was employed at the time, but being set into an emotional frenzy by every little cramp waiting for the bleeding to start.  They were convinced since my HCG levels were so high, there had to have been a heartbeat.  After a week of no bleeding, I returned to the doctor where there was not only a heartbeat, but the source of my astronomical HCG levels, as well as what was originally thought to be loose blood – 2 other gestational sacs!  We went from one to none to potentially THREE!  Fortunately the other two never got to the heartbeat stage, so there was no sense of loss.  Because of my PCOS I had not only ovulated, but done so 3 times all on my own.  So everything is always possible. 

Since having my daughter, my cycles have never been more regular, and more pain free.  In my entire life I never experienced anything like it – even as a 14 year old.  I continued to nurse because I felt that had to be contributing to the hormonal balance.  I got pregnant about 15 months after giving birth, but lost it in the first few weeks.  But we continued to try – month after month peeing on sticks, let down after let down.  I would cry when I would see friends post pictures of their adorable families, with my heart aching because I knew my daughter would make such an amazing big sister.  I felt the clock ticking away as I knew I couldn’t nurse my daughter forever, in what I perceive to be the driving factor in my hormone balance right now.  Finally, 26 months after giving birth I got pregnant again, 100% percent naturally.  After going through all of this, not only was it looking like we’d never have any children, but we never, ever dreamed we’d be able to have another.  

There are no words to describe the gratitude my husband and I feel in our hearts that we were successful in the end, and will now have the family we’ve always wanted.  Lucky?  Absolutely.  Some may say miraculous, and many say god had a hand in it all.  That’s your choice to believe, but since I don’t believe in god, miracles, etc... I can only affirm that had I not continued to search for answers, simply rolled over and refused to take control of my own treatment, not demanded to be properly cared for and refused to take “no” for an answer…I would be childless today.  We are ecstatic about our upcoming arrival in May.  Four years ago I never would’ve imagined we’d be where we are today – awaiting our second child.  It CAN happen.  There is always a chance that it will!

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

"Don't Ignore Infertility"

This week, April 22 - 28, is National Infertility Awareness Week.  The theme this year is one that is so important for all those not struggling with infertility.

"Don't Ignore Infertility"

Infertility is one of the hardest things a couple will have to go through.  Support is so crucial so the process doesn't swallow them.

For those that haven't had to struggle through infertility, whether primary or secondary, it's hard to know how to support a friend.  One in eight couples now suffer through infertility, whereas a couple years ago it was one in ten.  It may not seem like a lot, but chances are you know at least one couple that is having trouble getting pregnant and/or keeping a pregnancy.

One of the best things you can do is not ignore their infertility.  For a lot, it feels like they are failing.  It may not be logical, but one thing that is so important is raising a family and when you can't? It is so incredibly difficult to live with.  Friends and acquaintances you were close to pull away, and that can make this process even harder.

Don't ignore their struggle.  You can still be happy for yourself and your family while supporting them when they need it most.  Don't offer platitudes to make their situation not seem as huge.  Most personal stories and advice that I've been given in the four years we've been trying to have a second child leave me in tears because they're just a pat on the head.  They're stories of "oh this woman I knew" and "just relax and it will happen".

If you are wondering what you can do?  Become educated on this issue that so many people are struggling with.  Be there for them.  Learn what you can do as a family member and friend.  And if you're still wondering? Ask them what you can do.  Even if it is just a simple thing like remembering a date that's important to them while they go through this.

In the end, just don't ignore.  What an important message, which you can take to other parts of your life.

And for those struggling through infertility, their is hope and their is support.  Resolve is an amazing organization and a great place to start.  And I am always available if you need someone to talk to (connectedmom.kayce@gmail.com).  And in the end, let's break the stigma around infertility and realize love and support are so much more important than struggling alone.

Embracing Your Inner "Crunchy"

I admit it, I’m what some people may classify as a “crunchy” mama. Being a type A, self-professed control freak with OCD tendencies, I’d always shirked off my crunchy status. Not that the two can’t coexist, as I am living proof, but I just had some silly, preconceived notion of what a supposedly crunchy person was. Despite being referred to in this manner by others, I never really identified with the term. However, when I found myself converting to unpaper towels, family cloth and mama cloth, there finally came a time when I could no longer deny it – I had to embrace my crunchiness!

I used to like to think of myself as a relatively eco-conscious person. I recycled, composted, and diligently washed out my plastic baggies. I grew a lot of our food and tried to can it when I could, and was always proud of the fact that our recycling output at the curb was 3-4 times the amount of our regular trash. I always knew I could do more, but it wasn’t until we started trying to conceive that I really began my quest to try to lead a more natural lifestyle.

After being diagnosed with just about every hormone related affliction that can adversely affect achieving a successful pregnancy, I began to investigate why and how this could’ve happened to me. I was angry. Some women had just one hurdle to get over, while each of my 3 surgeries over the course of a year and a half would uncover another, and another and another. Each time they found something new it would explain why the previous months of fertility treatments, pain, heartbreak and sometimes miscarriages were completely and utterly futile. I felt like I had all the odds stacked against me. I spent what felt like all three years on bed rest, recovering from all of the above, plus many complications like ovarian cyst ruptures, ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome, and even a rare second bout of mono in the midst of it all at the age of 30. It gave me a lot of time to kill at my computer, and that’s where my real journey began.

It started with toxic chemicals – pesticides and herbicides, BPA, phthalates, PBDEs, and the synthetic estrogens known as parabens. The more I learned, the more I realized it became a question of how could I NOT end up with all these hormone problems when surrounded by endocrine disruptors and synthetic estrogens everywhere I looked! I quickly converted our diet to mostly organic, whole foods, scrutinized every personal care product we use, and I began to phase out plastics in our home as much as possible. Since we were trying to conceive at the time, that led to researching baby gear and toys. I was appalled at the data regarding flame retardants in strollers (I never heard of too many kids being left in strollers in burning buildings?!) and bouncers, PVC in teethers, lead paint on snaps of baby clothing and zippers of boppy covers…you name it. I began to contact companies regarding the origin and makeup of their products, and formulating a baby registry of things that I regarded as “safe.” Keeping an updated list of all the baby products I found that were nontoxic did seem somewhat superficial and materialistic to me. I mean, I had the majority of my baby registry all in place years before I was even pregnant! However, in a strange, therapeutic way, it kept me going through the miscarriages, the failed fertility treatments, the surgeries and the endless physical pain and heartbreak. It was my way of telling myself, “You WILL need this baby registry one day – this will ultimately work.”

Of course no nontoxic baby registry could be complete without cloth diapers, and I found myself deeply immersed in all things cloth diapering. I still am! My daughter has not worn a disposable since our first day home from the hospital, and after over a year and a half, I hope to continue that trend until she’s done with diapers all together. And as far as toys, well, to the dismay of my family I have kept a strict no plastic policy. I only wish they would understand this is not simply a “no plastic toys” rule, it’s a no plastic anything if we can avoid it household rule.

I mentioned I used to be proud of our overflowing recycling bin because we had so little regular trash. Well, now I’m ashamed of it. I used to wash out plastic baggies, and now I avoid them like the plague. I do my best to keep ALL of our waste output to a minimum. This includes buying my milk in returnable glass bottles, and hauling my bags of jars to the co-op and filling them with as many bulk items as possible, including cleaning supplies. I’ve also tried to start making as much as I can from scratch – condiments, bread (in a breadmaker!), snacks and cereal to name a few. The real catalyst for all of this was becoming a stay at home mother. I realize I come from a position where I not only have the luxury of being home with my amazing daughter all day, but I also only have one child. This affords me time that many don’t have. So I chose to push myself. I continue to push myself. I know I can do more.

Once my cloth diapering routine was in place, the leap to unpaper towels, family cloth and mama cloth was more like a tiny step. It just made sense. I do find some of my extra “from scratch” items falling to the wayside now that my daughter is climbing things left and right, and has an innate proclivity for turning mundane items or situations into dangerous ones. Even so, I’m still hoping to move onto my next goal, which is to start sewing more clothing for her. I’ve made a few things, but I know I could do more.

Overall, I think the difference between myself in my 20’s and myself in my 30’s is I’ve set my focus closer to home. I used to think I could help change the world. In my 20’s, I thought I could convince people to change THEIR ways and make a difference. In my 30’s, I’ve turned that focus 100% inward, and I continue to challenge myself to do what I can to make a difference in the microcosm we call home. I realize many people out there do not have the kind of time I have to devote to such things, and perhaps do not live near co-ops with glorious bulk sections that sell milk in returnable glass bottles, but I still believe everybody can do a little something more. So I challenge you, as you read this, to take a moment and think of one small thing you can do to help lead a more sustainable life…and do it.

"Natural" Infertility

This is a topic not discussed very often, unless you are part of most infertility groups, because no one likes to admit they have trouble getting or staying pregnancy.  For most, the looks of pity and sympathy are enough to make them not want to let anyone know.  It's a long lonely road, even when you have friends going through the same thing.

For me, it has been a little different.  Yes, I've been through some testing, I've had a very hands on pregnancy that ended too soon, I've taken synthetic progesterone for weeks.  However, I won't do that again.  It may sound crazy, but when you go through this for years, you have to find your own balance.

I have a suspected progesterone deficiency, a scarred uterus, and I have a really hard time getting pregnant and when I do get pregnant, 6 out of 7 of those pregnancies have ended in loss.  I try really hard to keep the hope and faith in my body, and the best way for me to do that is to help my body along and not go with quick fix drugs.

After taking synthetic progesterone for almost 8 weeks, my body was worse off than before.  It completely forgot how to consistently make progesterone, which is a big deal.  If I couldn't make progesterone, I couldn't even *get* pregnant, let alone stay pregnant.  So, I made a decision.  I was going to help my body remember how to make progesterone instead of supplementing so it.

This was almost a year ago now.  I've worked so hard to help my body recognize that it needs to take a bit of control, and then I will help it out after.

I've tried a lot of combinations of things to help.  Everything from just vitamins, to vitamins with vitex, to learning that vitex made me worse, to acupuncture and meditation, to finding an herb blend that would do the same thing and help my entire reproductive system become healthier.  It's been a year of learning about myself, learning about my body, and  fully being in charge of my own care and infertility.

I have tried a lot of things.  And the thing is?  I don't think one thing in particular is what did it for us.  One thing that always bugged me about those that give advice but have never been through infertility was they gave these "This one thing will work!" speeches, when the fact is that not just one thing will make it happen.  So much has to come together for the sperm to even *get* to the egg, let alone fertilize it, have it grow and implant, and to stay a healthy pregnancy.  The entire idea that this one thing will get you pregnant is so bogus. Even those that are more than fertile, more than one thing got you pregnant each time.

I chose to go through our infertility in a way I was comfortable with because I don't like putting synthetics in my body and I refused to turn over my care to someone else before I was ready.  I needed to be in control, since this was one area of my life where I really and truly felt that that would help me.

For us, doing this has worked.  We worked harder than we ever have, and the results are amazing.  My body still needs a tiny bit of help to keep up the progesterone production, but I was able to get pregnant without helping it along at all during the luteal phase (time from ovulation to my period) which is huge.  I'm only five and a half weeks, but because I put complete faith and trust in my own body to get me here, it's carried me on even in times when I was more scared than I have ever been.

If you are going through infertility and loss, know that you can do whatever you feel like you need to do.  If you want to go in and have ultrasounds every week or blood tests or synthetic drugs?  Go ahead!!  If you want to see an RE for testing, have IUI's and possibly IVF?  It's your body, do what you want to do!!  You have to feel comfortable and okay with the process you are going through.  This isn't an easy road, and finding your own balance is key.  For me, that meant going a very different direction and it paid off.  I won't tell you the one foolproof thing to get you pregnant, because there isn't one.

Go through this how you need to.  You only have to answer to yourself, and doing it for someone else doesn't make the process any easier.

Pee on a Stick

Pregnancy tests are not created equal.  Every commercial you see tests that say they can tell five days before your missed period, or tests that come up with a digital answer, or tests that smile at you.  When you go to buy tests, there are so many to choose from, and it is so intimidating.  Do you spend $30 on 6 six tests, or $9 on one test that says "pregnant" or "not pregnant" so you don't have to interpret lines?  Do you choose one that has two lines or one that has a plus sign?  Why are they either pink or blue?

It took me a very long time to realize that each test is very different, even tests that you buy in the same box can respond differently even when taken with the same cup of urine.

I hated feeling so confused about which tests to buy, especially once I started learning more about how each test has a different sensitivity, so I researched.

I couldn't believe the huge difference between each test, and it was more than just what they showed or how they tested.  As most of those that pee on sticks know, it isn't just about looking at the test and then saying if it is positive or negative.  You hold it up to the light, you talk to the stick, you take the strip out of the case and hold it up to the light, you keep it for hours to analyze later.  All you want is that second line or plus sign, and analyzing is what we all do.

Knowing that there are different sensitivities, the level of false positives, and other information about the test can make it easier to put down the test instead of inspecting it for hours on end (though from personal experience, it is still really hard to put the test down and walk away even if you know all about them).

Most of the sensitivity information I got from Pee on a Stick, but I did call the bigger brands and get more information directly from their customer service.  It's amazing how much information they are willing to give about their tests when you ask, and it can really help you choose which test you want to use.

1.  Some general information

Most digital tests always have two lines if you pop open the case and look at the test strip.  Digital tests test the sensitivity of the line, not the fact that there is two lines.  Opening a digital test that says "Not Pregnant" and seeing two lines does not mean you are pregnant.

All pregnancy tests are only valid for 10 minutes once they have been peed on or dipped in or drops put in.  If a positive shows up after the 10 minutes, it means nothing.  A positive needs to show up within the 10 minute time frame.  Have a timer set to 10 minutes, and once it dings, throw the test away.  Resist the urge to pull the test back out later and look for a second line.  It can give you false hope if you see two lines.

Evaporation lines do exist.  Most evaporation lines are not the color of the test (so not pink or blue) but, again, if after the 10 minute time frame, they can be.  Most evaporation lines are gray or look like a shadow, and are NOT a positive test.  The second line needs to be the same color as the test, if it isn't, it isn't a positive result.

There are also evaporating positives on tests, which are rarely talked about but exist.  If you test, see a positive right away, but it disappears before the 10 minutes is up, it is NOT a positive result.  Again, the best way to check for a positive is to check right before 10 minutes is up, if there is a second line the same color as the test without turning it this way and that, it is a positive result.  If not, it's a negative.

Pregnancy tests are not considered accurate until at least twelve days after ovulation.  Yes, people get positive results before then, but that doesn't mean everyone will.  Some test later, some earlier.  If you get a negative result, it does not mean that you aren't pregnant.  If your period doesn't show up, test again.  A lot of people get negative results only to get a positive result a few days later.

First morning urine is the best time to test.  Overnight, you go longer without going to the bathroom, so your urine will have a higher hormone concentration in the morning than any other time of day.  If you are testing early, use your first morning urine.  You will get the most accurate result.

Blue dye tests do have a higher false positive rate than pink dye tests.  For some reason, the blue dye pregnancy tests are not as accurate as pink dye tests.  There are higher instances of false positive results using blue dye, though that number is still pretty low.  To keep that risk at a minimum, try to stick with pink dye pregnancy tests.

Tests that give a +/- result are very likely to have some bleed over into the + area.  Because the test is a crossover test and not two solitary lines, there might be some blue dye in the area of the +.  This does not make it a positive result.  You need the full + for this test to be a positive result, not just a few dots or tiny crossover.

Some women will not respond to some tests, or will not show a positive with a urine test at all.  Some only respond to certain tests, and no one knows why.  There are even some women that will never show positive on urine tests, no matter how pregnant they are.  If you are late for your period (whether charting or not), try a different test if you are still getting a negative result.  If you still get a negative result (especially if you know when you ovulated) you might need to go in for a blood draw.

2.  Sensitivities and Other Information

Key:
+ : Recommended test
- : Not recommended test
+/- : They work for some women, but not all
? : Not enough information to recommend or not
P : Pink Dye
B : Blue dye
Sensitivities are in mIU, a level of 20 mIU on a blood test is when you would be confirmed as pregnant

Test Name	Sensitivity	Recommend	Other Information
AimStep	20	+ P	Used in most doctor's offices
AimStep Midstream	20	+ P	“”
AimStep Stick	20	+ P	“”
AimStep Dip	20	+ P	“”
Answer Quick & Simple Early	25	- P	Disappearing positives are common
New Choice (Dollar Store Test)	25	+ P	Accurate test, not very expensive
Clearblue Digital	25-50	+/- B	False positives reported, known sensitivity of 25, reported at 50
Clearblue Easy	50	+/- B	False positives reported, very light colored test/hard to read
CVS (cassette)	50	? B
CVS (midstream)	25	? B
Early Pregnancy Test	10	+ P	Very accurate early result for most women
Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com	20	+/- P	False positives reported, though not common
EPT (II)	50	+ B
EPT (+/-)	25	- B	False positives reported, test can be hard to read even just the control line
EPT Certainty	50	- B	Many false positives
Equate (II)	25	+ P
Equate (+/-)	25	+ P	Control line disappears, but positive result will remain for most women
First Response Early Response	25/12.5	+ P	Many get result with sensitivity as low as 12.5, disappearing positives can occur
Inverness (II)	50	+ B
Inverness (+/-)	25	- B	False positives reported, inaccurate result common
SaveOnTests.com	20	? P
TestsForLess.com	20	? P
Rite Aid	25	- B
Target	25	- B	Very light control line
Walgreen	25	- B
Walgreen Digital	25	+/- B
Wondfo Strips	20	+/- P	These strips work for some, for others false positive readings are very high, as are evaporation lines

Store brand tests are distributed and made by Inverness, and most with the +/- result are not recommended.

Just from this, most of the blue dye tests reported false positives, weak control lines, and hard to read results. Personally, I would stick with any test that uses pink dye.  Your result will be more accurate, with less false positives, easier to read control lines and positive results, and pink is much easier to distinguish from the gray evaporation lines that do happen.

Please remember, tests are NOT accurate after ten minutes, so throw them away.  Any result you receive after the ten minute mark is not a viable result and you will need to retest to find out what the answer truly is.  A lot of blue dye tests, when taken apart, have a very clear positive area where the result would pop up.  If you open the cassette or take pictures and invert the colors, it is very possible you will see something that looks like a positive test.  Please remember that if you can see a positive result on a test from however far away you would read a book, that is a positive test.  Do not hold it up to the light this way and that, don't invert the colors, and don't keep the test after ten minutes have gone by.

A line is a line is a line, but it is very important that you read the test the way it was intended and the understanding of how each test works can save you from heartbreak from having a false result.

I called the major pregnancy test companies to find out any reported issues and their sensitivities.  Everything I found out is listed in the above table.  This is not a medical guide, and this post is not to take the place of medical advice if you are possibly pregnant.  This is just a guide for pregnancy tests, no more.

Understanding and Support

For a lot of women that have been trying to get pregnant for more than two to three years, those that are barely trying or have been trying for a little more than a year look to them for guidance and support.  This is definitely a double edged sword.

We all remember what those first few months and that first year was like.  It was hard.  You are full of hope, you don't have the "infertile" or "subfertile" label, and most of the women trying will get pregnant before the year has passed.  Those that don't, enter an entirely different group, which is not one that needs more company, but has great support for the new families that join.

I've had some amazing ladies ask for my help during their journey, and I'm not going to lie, it hurts when they complain to me after they have been trying for six months to a year.  Yet they deserve support just as much as someone that has been trying for years and years with no baby at home.

One thing I have learned is that during this journey, if I feel uncomfortable with anything or I feel I am not the person to help them because our paths are so different, I owe it to myself to let them know.  What good does it do if I help, but each time they ask, a little bit more of me dies inside?

Going through this, watching woman after woman get pregnant and have their babies takes its toll on a person.  Many social media breaks are called for to stay away from the pregnancy and birth announcements, lots of support from someone that is going through something similar to you, and many tears are just a few ways that I have found to help.

Just because you are going through this doesn't mean you have to be happy about it.  You don't have to be happy when someone you helped or someone you know gets pregnant.  You don't have to be happy that someone has their baby.  You don't have to go to baby showers, or call them to see how they are doing.  There is no requirement for making you feel anything for anyone.  If you want to feel jealous, go ahead!  Same goes for sadness, anger, lots, and so much more.

This journey is hard enough without doing things you aren't comfortable doing.  So speak up!  You don't have to support everyone that asks for it, you don't have to listen to their tales of sadness and trying, and you don't have to keep trying if that isn't what you want to do.

This time is one where you will find out so much about what you are capable of doing, and even though I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I have found out more about myself than if I hadn't gone through loss and infertility.  We are still waiting for our rainbow baby (living baby born after loss), and I'm am okay with being sad or angry or jealous of others.  My feelings have no bearing on how I feel for them as friends, and they should understand that sometimes I won't be the happy and crazy person they know.

You need the support that you need, not what is thrust upon you.

Infertility by tiff_det

As the time gets near

you prayed it would disappear

please, just one time

a healthy baby that is mine

can't you give

a big fat positive

Make it a girl or boy

either one would bring me joy

could it be that I may

live without another cliche'

"it will happen when it does"

"why make such a big fuss"

Only the ones with infertility

understand what it's like to be me

is it my husband or me

the thought causes me to cry

with the one question...Why?

To see little fingers and toes

and a cute button nose

So many tears have been shed

lying at night in bed

wondering how it would be

to have a baby inside of me

Someone pregnant will walk by

I try so hard not to cry

Why her, Why not me?

I think of every possibility

For my Infertility

I try to keep hope

that's the only way I can cope

my heart continues to break

every negative causes it to ache

Maybe one day i will see

A precious baby staring back at me

Love it with all my heart 

and promise to never part

God i hope you guide me through this

For that is my only wish

I deserve the chance to be a mom

to sing my baby a song

Take a look at me

For I am the face of INFERTILITY!!

Charting Your Cycle - Natural Family Planning

*Sorry in advance for this long post. I didn't realize that it would be this long until I started writing it*

I learned about cycle charting two and a half years ago.  We had been trying to get pregnant for almost six months, and when I was training at work, I started talking about it with the woman I was shadowing.  They had also been trying, and she recently picked up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler (INCREDIBLE book, a must have for all women, regardless of whether you are trying to get pregnant).  We talked for the entire shift about this book.  Well, her talking, me taking copious notes.

Ever since, I have been completely hooked.  Hormonal birth control made me a little crazy, though I was only on it for six months before my daughter, and then only had the mini-pill for 9 months after her birth, I felt like a crazy person.  Now that I know there is a better option out there than birth control, I have grabbed on with both hands and I won't ever turn back!

There are three main components to charting your cycle.  1. Taking your temperature every morning. 2. Checking your cervical mucus and 3. Checking your cervix.

1. Taking Your Temperature Daily


This is one of the most important ways to check for ovulation.  It is easy, there are no tests involved besides sticking a thermometer in your mouth every morning and noting down your temperature. The best thermometer to have is one that goes to 98.67 rather than just 98.6, but it is all up to you.  You will be better able to see a temperature shift if you have the first kind, but you will see a shift with either one.

When your body ovulations, your internal temperatures rises.  It isn't much, maybe an entire degree, but when you are taking your temperature every day, the shift is very obvious.

When you are taking your basal body temperature, pick a time when you normally wake up.  To have it be correct and not have false shifts, you need to take your temperature the same time every day.  And every day, it needs to be taken before you get out of bed, after at least 3 hours of solid sleep.  If you get out of bed then take your temperature, it will be different.  If you don't get 3 hours of sleep, it will be different.  If you wake up at a different time to take your temperature, it will be different.  I know it sounds like more work than it should be, but once you get the hang of taking your temperature, it becomes automatic.  Even if you need to set your alarm for a couple hours before you normally get up then go back to sleep, that's fine.  All you need is consistency and your temperature will tell you things you didn't even know about your own body.


Here is a sample chart with temperatures taken.  This is one of my charts from last year, and I was always a really bad temperature taker.  I have only done it a handful of times, but here is one of mine from my pregnancy last year.

The red cross-hairs show ovulation day and my temperature coverline.  When you take your temperature, especially if you use charting software or websites like Fertility Friend (the one shown), and input it into the graph, when your temperature rises and stays risen for 3 days, the software will automatically create crosshairs for you.  When I ovulate, my temperature goes up an entire degree, so it is really easy to see.

When you are taking your temperature, have seen the rise and find your crosshairs, what this means is that for your luteal phase, or from ovulation until your period, your temperature won't drop below the crosshair.  When your period is due, unless you're pregnant, your temperature will start to drop, and once it is below the horizontal line, your period will start.  Now, there are some exceptions, like if you took your temperature at a different time of day, or if you didn't sleep very well, but most of the time, your temperature will stay above that line.

Now, as on this chart, there is such a thing as a second rise in temperature after the rise for ovulation.  It is called a triphasic pattern, which is an addition rise after implantation and normally means you are pregnant.  It doesn't happen to everyone, but it is a really cool thing to see on your own chart.

There isn't much research on this, but one of the best things about charting your cycle is you can truly see if you are ovulating, how long your luteal phase is, and if there are any abnormalities.  If you aren't ovulating, you can still have a regular period.  You just won't see the temperature shift on your chart, and normally those with anovulatory cycles start their period at about 40 days, though it is different for every woman.  And just because you have one cycle without ovulation, doesn't mean all will be that way.  Sometimes it could be stress or sickness or something just isn't right, and you don't ovulate.  Which is why it is important to chart for more than one cycle.

As for the luteal phase, books say that you need a luteal phase at least 10 days long to successfully carry a child.  Shorter than that, and even if your body is pregnant, it will expel the baby because your hormone levels aren't high enough to keep the baby implanted.  Personally, I think that any luteal phase less than 12 has that issue.  You need a luteal phase long enough to get that baby firmly attached, and to show that your hormone levels are okay.  Most women that have shorter luteal phases have progesterone issues, but not all.

As for abnormalities, your temperature can tell you a lot.  Temperatures for healthy women should be in the 97's and 98's before and after ovulation.  If it is lower than that, it could mean an adrenal issue or a thyroid issue.  For people like me, I just run colder.  My temperature is in the 96's before ovulation and the 97's after, even though my thyroid checks out, and my adrenal gland is okay for the moment.  Even though it doesn't for sure mean there is a problem, it could show that there might be one just by taking your temperature every day.

2.  Checking Your Cervical Mucus


This may sound really gross to quite a few people, but you actually don't have to touch any mucus, and if you don't want to, you don't have to reach inside your vagina.

Depending on the time in your cycle, your water intake, and if you are sexually stimulated, the quality of the mucus your vagina secretes is different.  It feels different, it looks different, and it reacts differently to air.  When I was first married, I thought for sure I had a yeast infection every month because my mucus was thick and that is what I heard marked a yeast infection.

Early in a woman's cycle, normally right after her period ends, everything dries up.  There is very little mucus and sometimes sex during this time if you aren't completely stimulated can hurt a little bit, though that is true any time in a woman's cycle.

Slowly as a woman gets closer to ovulation, her cervical mucus goes from dry to sticky to creamy and then finally to an egg-white quality, though some women don't have one or any of the different types of mucus.  Learning how your body works is much better than trying to stick to a graph or what the average woman has since every woman is different.

Each mucus has different qualities, and though it may take a few tries to learn the difference between them, all you have to do is check it when you wipe every time you go to the bathroom.  The closer you are to ovulation, the wetter and slicker your vulva will feel, and that is also the time where a lot of women end up rushing to the bathroom because they feel a surge of wetness that is mistaken for their period.

Sticky cervical mucus is just like how it sounds.  It feels like the paste you used in Elementary School or as a child.  It can feel slightly springy, but in essence, this cervical mucus does *not* feel wet.

Creamy cervical mucus which feels and looks a bit like lotion.  It tends to feel cool at your vaginal opening, and sometimes it is hard to handle because it is so wet or watery.  The big key with creamy mucus is that you will feel wet, almost like your period has started, but when you check, it isn't there.  This isn't the most fertile mucus, but this is about the time you start noticing your fertility is increasing and to start doing the deed in preparation.  This mucus will be more opaque, just like lotion.

Eggwhite cervical mucus is just how it sounds, and I know that sounds a little gross.  Eggwhite mucus is extremely slippery and can stretch 1 to 10 inches.  This is when you feel your most wet, and when you go to the bathroom, some might drop into the water and instead of stringing and falling to the bottom of the water, it will ball up and float for a minute before it falls.  This mucus will look like eggwhites, and might have streaks of white, but is mainly clear and stretchy.

To check your cervical mucus, you don't ever really have to touch it if you don't want to.  All you need to do is every time you go to the bathroom, when you wipe, see how it feels.  Do you feel wet and slippery?  Or do you feel dry and sticky?  You can check the color of the mucus, see how much there is, and if you flip it over and sometimes it will stretch down before breaking if it is eggwhite mucus.

If you want to check it by hand, you just need a tiny bit in between two fingers, and rub them together.  The wetter they are, ie the more fertile the mucus, the longer it will stay on your fingers.  When you pull your fingers apart, eggwhite will stretch as far as 1 to 10 inches.

Your mucus is one of the biggest things when trying to get pregnant.  Without the fertile quality of eggwhite mucus, the sperm will have a very hard time traveling to the uterus and actually reaching the egg.  There are things you can take to increase the quality of your mucus, but mainly, lots of water will increase it to a normal consistency and quality for the majority of women.

3.  Checking Your Cervix


This one is optional, even more so than the other two.  Most books will look over this since checking your cervix is very sensory based and you do need to practice a little bit before you will ever be able to feel any difference between the days in your cervix.

Your cervix changes depending on your fertility.  It changes lengths, it opens, and it softens.  When you aren't fertile, your cervix will be long, firm, and the opening will be closed.  As you become more fertile, your cervix will rise up, becoming shorter, becoming softer, and the opening will become more open.  Once you ovulate, your cervix will lower and close within a few hours to up to a day.

When your cervix is firm, it will feel like the tip of your nose.  When your cervix is soft, it will feel like your lips when they pucker.  It is indistinct, but the more you check, the more proficient you will become.

Your cervix changes depending on the time of day also, so if you are checking your cervix, it is best checking around the same time every day.

To check your cervix, it is best to get in a position that will open your pelvis, like squatting or one leg higher than the other.  Personally, I like to put one foot on the toilet and lean slightly over.  You only need one finger to check, and your cervix will normally be the length of your middle finger from the vaginal opening, though every woman is different.

Really, the best way to do this is practice, practice, practice.  And again, this one is totally optional.

This is just a summary of the ways to chart your cycle, and I really do highly suggest the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility because it truly is a wealth of information.

And the best part is next week I will give you another option on how to chart your cycle, though it is a little pricey, it can really be a much less confusing way to track your fertility.