Few things frustrate me more than being asked if I have a "good" baby. I know that most people are wondering if I have a baby who sleeps through the night/naps well, doesn't cry often, keeps himself entertained, etc. but it irks me that somehow my baby isn't "good" if he doesn't fit those parameters. Especially since those traits may make a baby more convenient, but they have nothing to do with how "good" of a person that baby is. Just because a baby might have more needs than another or is more expressive about those needs, it doesn't mean that baby is "bad." In fact, it just might be better to have a baby who is decidedly inconvenient and not "good."
1. Babies who aren't "good" wake up a lot . . . and that makes them less vulnerable to SIDS.
Babies are designed to wake up often for good reason. SIDS is actually related to a baby's inability to rouse easily or detect a build up of carbon dioxide in their blood. Now, the general mainstream medical consensus is that babies are safest on their backs in their own beds, but other medical experts have suggested that babies may be safest when with co-sleeping with their sober, non-smoking mothers. In fact, SIDS rates have continued to stay low despite a rise in safe co-sleeping. This might have to do with the increase in breastfeeding rates among co-sleeping mothers as much as anything else, but the fact remains that while "good" babies might let their mothers have more uninterrupted sleep, babies who aren't so good (or aren't good all the time) actually demonstrate that they have a good arousal instinct and that is a definite positive! Besides, there are sweet, snuggly times to be had when babies are awake, sleepily nursing, and snuggling with you that mamas of babies who sleep all the time, just don't get.
2. Babies who aren't "good" cry a lot . . . and that means they are attached enough to want to communicate and believe that you will respond to their cries.
We all know people who are more verbal about what is going on with them than others. Babies are just little people. So, some of them will cry more than others because some of them just have more they want to say. Some babies also just have more to communicate. No matter how much or how little your baby cries at night or during the day, it is good because your baby is communicating (even if it doesn't seem that way at two a.m.). The fact that your baby consistently is communicating with you about his or her needs is a positive thing. It proves that your baby trusts you enough to tell you about what's going on with her/him. By responding to your baby's cries, you are forming a trusting, attached relationship with your baby. This might not mean your baby stops crying right away or that your baby cries less, but it does mean that your baby believes that you are going to respond to his or her needs. When that baby grows up this will translate into words. For example, my eldest baby cried a lot, and now, when he is sick, he still talks a lot. He's just the kind of person who feels things very strongly and he needs to talk about his emotions to process them. Because of the relationship we've been forming since his very first newborn baby cries, we have a very open communication line and I hope that honest communication continues for years to come.
3. Babies who aren't "good" don't just lay/sit around and play with their toys . . . they are curious about their world and they want to explore it.
We've all had those moments when we've wanted to just put our babies down and have them keep themselves busy while we finish dinner/pick something up/whatever, and sometimes they may let us, but some babies mostly use that time to get into things, practice their crying communication with you, and generally cause a ruckus. However, these are all good things! A baby who isn't very interested in the world around them or who doesn't want to test that you will come running at least part of them time, is not a baby who is very interested in the outside world and that lack of curiosity probably isn't their best trait. I imagine that if we could interview the mothers of most of the world's greatest inventors, innovators, and entrepreneurs, we would probably discover that as babies and small children they were incredibly curious and often got themselves into some scrapes because of it. Whenever my sons are driving me crazy testing my communication line with them from the next room, I just remind myself that Pavlov's mother was probably his first and best test subject.
4. Babies who aren't "good" don't stay in their car seats all the time; they insist on being held/worn and seeing the world from a higher level.
Risks of leaving your baby in their car seats frequently and shopping with your baby in his/her car seat aside, babies who are not kept in their car seats all the time actually tend to do a little better because they are held more often and get worn in a carrier. In fact, God bless babies who aren't "good" all the time because they are the reason babywearing was invented and the benefits of babywearing are amazing. From heart rate/physiological benefits for newborns to social interactions/connections with toddlers, your babies are made to be in your arms or worn and nothing but good comes from it . ..even if it seems inconvenient for you and what you want to get done at times.
5. Babies who aren't "good" don't listen to what "they" tell you about parenting, they make you learn to listen to your heart and do more research.
You know who "they" are. "They" are the ones who were asking you whether or not your baby was "good" to begin with. "They" tell you you need to do XYZ to make your child into a convenient "good" baby or "they" will congratulate you when your baby doesn't cry or make a fuss, but give unsolicited advice when they do. Babies who aren't "good" don't give a flying fruit what they say and if you let them, they will teach you not to care, either. Babies who aren't "good" push you to examine who you are as a parent and as a person. They teach you to make real connections to them and they become the catalyst for you to learn more about them, parenting, and yourself as a person. Babies who aren't "good" push you to become better than you've ever been before and they teach you where your limitations are.
Babies who aren't "good" all the time are my favorite kind of babies!
Thank you for reading and kiss your "not good all the time" babies for me!
Shawna
Showing posts with label cosleeping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cosleeping. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Monday, June 3, 2013
the end of our breastfeeding journey
So here's a little round up of how Gwen self-weaned:
February 16th:
Gwen turns 3 years old. Still nursing 2x a day, once in the morning, and once before bed.
Week of March 11th to 15:
March 11th, had a long evening because of a friend for dinner. After I had to turn down Gwen's requests to play CandyLand and to watch a music video, I didn't want to turn down her request for a book. So I gave her the choice: read a book and skip milkies, or have milkies. She chose the book!
I offered again throughout the week and she chose the book! At one point she told me, "I'm a big girl Mom, and I don't need to have milkies. I can, but I don't need them."
The whole week, only nursed 2x in the morning because of walking up later due to daylight savings time. This was a little harder for her, but she did well with it.
Did nurse Friday night because of a rough evening. Lots of tears at bedtime and she needed the comfort.
That Weekend:
Nursed both mornings, but neither evening! One of the mornings she told me that milkies didn't want to come out.
End of March:
We're completely done with evening nursing session. We only ever read!
She's also waking up later on average during the week, so only nursing about 4x a week (2 mornings during the week, 2 mornings on the weekend).
Mid-April:
Gwen came to bed with us one morning, and we snuggled and fell asleep! Just like that!
Used that as a stepping point to talk about how big she's getting and how maybe soon she won't do any milkies anymore. She was receptive and positive about it.
Last full week of April:
Nursed only once, on Saturday, for only about a minute on each side (maybe less). Came to bed with us on Sunday and fell asleep for over an hour without nursing!
Generally she wakes up during the week after I'm already in the shower. Yay for extra sleep!
Mid-May:
Gwen hasn't nursed in over a week, and that session had only been about a minute. Regularly comes to bed with us on the weekend without nursing.
Last week in May:
Didn't nurse all weekend, which puts us about 2+ weeks now. She told me on Tuesday, "We're not having milkies anymore Mommy. You'll have to give away all the milkie things."
39 months, and I am calling it.
How does this feel?
Well, it happened so easily and naturally, I can't be anything but happy about it. I'm thrilled that the end of breastfeeding hasn't meant the end of bedsharing for us, as I feared it might. We still get our morning snuggles on the weekend. I had little moments of wistfulness when it was becoming apparent that our nursing journey was ending, but now I'm just happy that it happened so nicely, and proud of my growing girl!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Intuition
When you read natural birth books, when you learn about a natural lifestyle, a lot of people talk about intuition, and how you should go with your gut.
Unless it is going the opposite way they would.
Having most of our lives on the internet can lead to a lot of issues. People thinking you should have done things differently, being judged for things you choose for yourself and your family. By going with your intuition, you will get steamrolled if others don't agree.
We tell women to follow their intuition with their pregnancy and birth all the time. To find what information they need, to do what they need to do in their pregnancy to protect themselves and their babies. And yet, when they do this an end up with an outcome that we think was wrong, like an induction or cesarean, we judge.
When a family chooses to bedshare or cosleep with their child because they feel it is the right thing to do, the natural community is so excited. But when they move their child to another room, or let their child cry (when they are obviously just going to cry anyway and old enough to not be at the age where they don't understand), we judge.
Intuition goes both ways. It can be anything from something like knowing you're pregnant before you are, to knowing that you are going to lose your baby before you actually do. It can be planning a very hands off homebirth to being in labor and knowing that something is wrong and a transfer is necessary before any signs show. It can be keeping your child close or letting them sleep alone when they are old enough.
Intuition is at the very core of being a mother. You know your child better than anyone. For most, you grew that baby, you birthed that baby, you nurtured that baby. They are forever part of you.
We need to stop judging so heavily because we think they are doing something wrong. Just because you think would do it differently (though in reality you have no idea why they are actually choosing what they are) doesn't mean it is okay to slam another family.
We need to learn that everything has two sides. Intuition has two sides. The side where things are good and the side where they are bad. That's how life works.
We need to learn patience and acceptance of other families, of other mothers. Mom wars get us all nowhere. It turns people off to what we are trying to do. You can't yell at someone that they are doing it wrong and at the same time hope they will listen and learn something.
It will forever be the one in the crowd speaking in soft tones full of patience and love that people will listen to. The one yelling will have them turn away.
Be patient. Be with others how you would want them to be with you and your children. And in the end, go with your own gut regardless of what others say.
Unless it is going the opposite way they would.
Having most of our lives on the internet can lead to a lot of issues. People thinking you should have done things differently, being judged for things you choose for yourself and your family. By going with your intuition, you will get steamrolled if others don't agree.
We tell women to follow their intuition with their pregnancy and birth all the time. To find what information they need, to do what they need to do in their pregnancy to protect themselves and their babies. And yet, when they do this an end up with an outcome that we think was wrong, like an induction or cesarean, we judge.
When a family chooses to bedshare or cosleep with their child because they feel it is the right thing to do, the natural community is so excited. But when they move their child to another room, or let their child cry (when they are obviously just going to cry anyway and old enough to not be at the age where they don't understand), we judge.
Intuition goes both ways. It can be anything from something like knowing you're pregnant before you are, to knowing that you are going to lose your baby before you actually do. It can be planning a very hands off homebirth to being in labor and knowing that something is wrong and a transfer is necessary before any signs show. It can be keeping your child close or letting them sleep alone when they are old enough.
Intuition is at the very core of being a mother. You know your child better than anyone. For most, you grew that baby, you birthed that baby, you nurtured that baby. They are forever part of you.
We need to stop judging so heavily because we think they are doing something wrong. Just because you think would do it differently (though in reality you have no idea why they are actually choosing what they are) doesn't mean it is okay to slam another family.
We need to learn that everything has two sides. Intuition has two sides. The side where things are good and the side where they are bad. That's how life works.
We need to learn patience and acceptance of other families, of other mothers. Mom wars get us all nowhere. It turns people off to what we are trying to do. You can't yell at someone that they are doing it wrong and at the same time hope they will listen and learn something.
It will forever be the one in the crowd speaking in soft tones full of patience and love that people will listen to. The one yelling will have them turn away.
Be patient. Be with others how you would want them to be with you and your children. And in the end, go with your own gut regardless of what others say.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
My Experience with Cosleeping and Occasional Bedsharing
When my son was born I didn't know much about cosleeping or bedsharing. In fact they were terms that I was unfamiliar with. I knew people who slept in the same room with their babies as well as others who slept in the same bed with their babies. I just never associated a term with either practice and, I never thought much of it. It was one of those things that some parents do and others don't. It didn't seem like a major decision to me. My mom tried cosleeping with some of her children and found that she and the baby slept more soundly when sleeping in separate rooms and relying on a baby monitor. After hearing her experience, I decided to skip the bassinet in my bedroom and just put my son in a crib in his own room. I know. I can't believe I ever felt that way either.
(Just so we're on the same page: Cosleeping and Bedsharing are two separate terms. Cosleeping is sleeping in the same room as your child. Bedsharing is sleeping in the same bed as your child. Bedsharing is always considered cosleeping since you are obviously in the same room if you are in the same bed. Cosleeping is the broader term that includes bedsharing, but also sleeping on separate beds in the same room.)
When my son was born we didn't have completely ideal living arrangements. We lived with my parents. It's wasn't the best arrangement but we were grateful to have it. My parents cleared out the bedroom right next to the one we were staying in and converted it into a nursery for our son. We had a crib in there but also a twin sized bed that my parents had no room for anywhere else. That twin bed ended up being the place I slept the most often as well as being the place I breastfed my son the most often. I ended up cosleeping most nights for the first year or so of my son's life. I had a baby monitor, but it was easier to sleep in my son's room with him and not wake up my husband who worked very early in the mornings.
My sister-in-law has a daughter 6 months older than my son and has had wonderful success with bedsharing. After hearing how much easier nighttime feedings were and how much she enjoyed snuggling with her daughter all night long, I decided to try it. I didn't sleep at all. I was so worried I would smother my son with blankets or roll over on top of him. I was mostly worried that my husband who is a violent sleeper would elbow his precious face or something of the sort. I tried it on several occasions with a similar result. I was so stressed about protecting my son that I didn't get any sleep. When my son had a mild case of RSV as an infant, I had to hold him in an upright position all night long. (He slept on my chest while I was propped up with pillows in a reclining type position) This was definitely an opportunity to keep trying the whole bedsharing thing, but despite bedsharing for 2 weeks straight, I never seemed to manage getting any sleep. I gave up on bedsharing and decided it just wasn't for me.
So despite thinking I wouldn't sleep well if I coslept, I still ended up cosleeping (sleeping on the twin bed in my son's room) the majority of the time during the first year of my son's life. When we moved out of my parents house and into our own place, our son was about 18 months old and started climbing out of his crib. We made the switch to a toddler bed and he LOVED sleeping in his big boy bed and also loved his own room. He never asked us to stay in his room with him and he also never asked or tried to come into our room. He slept in his own room by himself and enjoyed it. We didn't shut him in. We slept with the doors open and he had every opportunity to join us in our room, but never chose to do so.
Fast forward 2 years and now that I have a 3 and 1/2 year old, he only wants to sleep in our room. This all started when my husband got a new job and started working nights a few times a week. I initiated the bedsharing and told him that since Dad was gone, he could sleep in my bed with me. My son told me no! I couldn't believe it. My first night in years having my husband gone all night and I was going to have to sleep alone. I was finally able to talk my son into just laying in my bed to read bedtime stories and he decided bedsharing might be fun and that he would stay. We both discovered that we quite like bedsharing! Now that he is older, I don't have the same worries I had when he was a newborn. I especially love snuggling in the mornings before getting out of bed. It's the best way to start your day.
Since that time, my son has decided he likes sleeping in my bed. We bedshare quite often. He also discovered that he doesn't like sharing the bed when it's too crowded (when Dad is home) and prefers sleeping on a crib mattress placed on the floor in our room on those nights. I am constantly surprised with the changes that take place in my life as my child grows. I never thought I would start bedsharing at 3 years old. I also never realized how much I could love it! Now most nights, my son sleeps in our room with us. He either sleeps in our bed with me when Dad's not home, or sleeps on his own little bed in our room. He has started to prefer that and honestly, so have we. The only downside is that my husband doesn't get to experience the bedsharing part. He has a few times, but when my husband is home, my son prefers to have a bit more space and wants to sleep in his own bed (next to ours).
I know there will be a time when he decides that he prefers his own bed and his own room, but in the grand scheme of things, that day will come all too soon. I'm going to cherish my bedsharing days while I still can. When he decides he wants to sleep in his own room, it will be his decision. Until then, he is always welcome in our room, and in our bed.
(Just so we're on the same page: Cosleeping and Bedsharing are two separate terms. Cosleeping is sleeping in the same room as your child. Bedsharing is sleeping in the same bed as your child. Bedsharing is always considered cosleeping since you are obviously in the same room if you are in the same bed. Cosleeping is the broader term that includes bedsharing, but also sleeping on separate beds in the same room.)
When my son was born we didn't have completely ideal living arrangements. We lived with my parents. It's wasn't the best arrangement but we were grateful to have it. My parents cleared out the bedroom right next to the one we were staying in and converted it into a nursery for our son. We had a crib in there but also a twin sized bed that my parents had no room for anywhere else. That twin bed ended up being the place I slept the most often as well as being the place I breastfed my son the most often. I ended up cosleeping most nights for the first year or so of my son's life. I had a baby monitor, but it was easier to sleep in my son's room with him and not wake up my husband who worked very early in the mornings.
My sister-in-law has a daughter 6 months older than my son and has had wonderful success with bedsharing. After hearing how much easier nighttime feedings were and how much she enjoyed snuggling with her daughter all night long, I decided to try it. I didn't sleep at all. I was so worried I would smother my son with blankets or roll over on top of him. I was mostly worried that my husband who is a violent sleeper would elbow his precious face or something of the sort. I tried it on several occasions with a similar result. I was so stressed about protecting my son that I didn't get any sleep. When my son had a mild case of RSV as an infant, I had to hold him in an upright position all night long. (He slept on my chest while I was propped up with pillows in a reclining type position) This was definitely an opportunity to keep trying the whole bedsharing thing, but despite bedsharing for 2 weeks straight, I never seemed to manage getting any sleep. I gave up on bedsharing and decided it just wasn't for me.
So despite thinking I wouldn't sleep well if I coslept, I still ended up cosleeping (sleeping on the twin bed in my son's room) the majority of the time during the first year of my son's life. When we moved out of my parents house and into our own place, our son was about 18 months old and started climbing out of his crib. We made the switch to a toddler bed and he LOVED sleeping in his big boy bed and also loved his own room. He never asked us to stay in his room with him and he also never asked or tried to come into our room. He slept in his own room by himself and enjoyed it. We didn't shut him in. We slept with the doors open and he had every opportunity to join us in our room, but never chose to do so.
Fast forward 2 years and now that I have a 3 and 1/2 year old, he only wants to sleep in our room. This all started when my husband got a new job and started working nights a few times a week. I initiated the bedsharing and told him that since Dad was gone, he could sleep in my bed with me. My son told me no! I couldn't believe it. My first night in years having my husband gone all night and I was going to have to sleep alone. I was finally able to talk my son into just laying in my bed to read bedtime stories and he decided bedsharing might be fun and that he would stay. We both discovered that we quite like bedsharing! Now that he is older, I don't have the same worries I had when he was a newborn. I especially love snuggling in the mornings before getting out of bed. It's the best way to start your day.
Since that time, my son has decided he likes sleeping in my bed. We bedshare quite often. He also discovered that he doesn't like sharing the bed when it's too crowded (when Dad is home) and prefers sleeping on a crib mattress placed on the floor in our room on those nights. I am constantly surprised with the changes that take place in my life as my child grows. I never thought I would start bedsharing at 3 years old. I also never realized how much I could love it! Now most nights, my son sleeps in our room with us. He either sleeps in our bed with me when Dad's not home, or sleeps on his own little bed in our room. He has started to prefer that and honestly, so have we. The only downside is that my husband doesn't get to experience the bedsharing part. He has a few times, but when my husband is home, my son prefers to have a bit more space and wants to sleep in his own bed (next to ours).
I know there will be a time when he decides that he prefers his own bed and his own room, but in the grand scheme of things, that day will come all too soon. I'm going to cherish my bedsharing days while I still can. When he decides he wants to sleep in his own room, it will be his decision. Until then, he is always welcome in our room, and in our bed.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Bedsharing Past Infancy
Cosleeping and Bedsharing can be two very different animals. Cosleeping doesn't have to be bedsharing but bedsharing is always cosleeping.
The best place for a baby to sleep is either in the same bed (bedsharing) or same room (cosleeping) as the mother. Having spent 9-10 months inside their mother, near their warmth, breathing, and heartbeat, it can be a very rough transition to be away from that. Listening and feeling the mother's breathing and heartbeat regulates the baby's heartbeat and breathing, lowers the risk of SIDS, helps establish a better breastfeeding on demand relationship, and can help both of you sleep better at night.
I started bedsharing with my daughter when she was 2 weeks old. We really tried to have her in the crib because that is what "normal" parents did, and eventually I couldn't take the lack of sleep and the crying any longer. I pulled her into bed with my husband and me and never looked back.
My daughter turns four next month and we still bedshare most of the time. Last summer, when I was was pregnant with our son, she had just started sleeping in her own room, which was her own choice, and when I started having issues with my pregnancy, she came back with us. When we lost the baby, I kept putting off getting her back to her own bed. None of us were interested in her leaving. She was a huge comfort when we needed her most.
Now that she is almost four, she wants to be her in own bed again, but doesn't want to leave our room. So, we have a compromise. Her mattress is on the floor right next to our bed, and she has free reign on which bed she wants to sleep in at night. Some nights she will sleep in her bed all night, others she comes into our bed in the middle of the night, and nights which are fewer and fewer she sleeps all night with us all night.
Many would tell me that she is dependent on us to sleep, and it makes me laugh. The truth is, it is the opposite! Because of our losses and things that we have been through, I feel like I need her close more than she needs me close. Loss changes a person, whether it's a baby, your sister, mother, father, cousin. It changes it your perspective on life, and since our losses, my mind goes to places that make me uncomfortable. I worry all the time about losing my daughter. Having her in the same room with me, even if it isn't the same bed all the time, comforts me. I think she knows that and hasn't chosen to go back to her own room because of it.
Many families have different reasons for bedsharing or cosleeping past infancy, one of the more popular ones in the natural community is that they are still nursing. Just because your child is older than a year or two or three doesn't mean they have to be in their own bed in their own room, and that's okay.
The benefits of cosleeping and bedsharing don't end at a certain time. It is the same as nursing. Your child doesn't magically become "too old" to stay in your room or your bed. Every family feels that age differently. Some stop wanting to sleep with their children when they start to flail around at night as inevitably all toddlers do, others like their children to be out of their bed by the time they eat solid foods. Still more don't like to have their children with them at all.
Cosleeping and bedsharing both have amazing benefits, but again, it's a choice for your family. If your family chooses either of those, it is good to know that you can choose when to stop. My daughter is so independent and strong, and personally I feel that knowing I am still just an arm's reach away helps that. I think that growing up with that comfort helped her to feel more confident in herself. She isn't going to always need me just because she is still in our bed sometimes. She isn't going to be terrified to go to her own room when she is ready. She won't be in our bed forever like some believe.
You can keep your child in your room and your bed even if you aren't nursing any longer. You can keep them in your room when they talk and walk and are their own person.
There isn't an age where it is unacceptable. This is your family. Make the choices you need to make to raise happy, healthy, independent children. For us, that is keeping her in our room just for peace of mind, though I know that those days are slowly coming to a close.
The best place for a baby to sleep is either in the same bed (bedsharing) or same room (cosleeping) as the mother. Having spent 9-10 months inside their mother, near their warmth, breathing, and heartbeat, it can be a very rough transition to be away from that. Listening and feeling the mother's breathing and heartbeat regulates the baby's heartbeat and breathing, lowers the risk of SIDS, helps establish a better breastfeeding on demand relationship, and can help both of you sleep better at night.
I started bedsharing with my daughter when she was 2 weeks old. We really tried to have her in the crib because that is what "normal" parents did, and eventually I couldn't take the lack of sleep and the crying any longer. I pulled her into bed with my husband and me and never looked back.
My daughter turns four next month and we still bedshare most of the time. Last summer, when I was was pregnant with our son, she had just started sleeping in her own room, which was her own choice, and when I started having issues with my pregnancy, she came back with us. When we lost the baby, I kept putting off getting her back to her own bed. None of us were interested in her leaving. She was a huge comfort when we needed her most.
Now that she is almost four, she wants to be her in own bed again, but doesn't want to leave our room. So, we have a compromise. Her mattress is on the floor right next to our bed, and she has free reign on which bed she wants to sleep in at night. Some nights she will sleep in her bed all night, others she comes into our bed in the middle of the night, and nights which are fewer and fewer she sleeps all night with us all night.
Many would tell me that she is dependent on us to sleep, and it makes me laugh. The truth is, it is the opposite! Because of our losses and things that we have been through, I feel like I need her close more than she needs me close. Loss changes a person, whether it's a baby, your sister, mother, father, cousin. It changes it your perspective on life, and since our losses, my mind goes to places that make me uncomfortable. I worry all the time about losing my daughter. Having her in the same room with me, even if it isn't the same bed all the time, comforts me. I think she knows that and hasn't chosen to go back to her own room because of it.
Many families have different reasons for bedsharing or cosleeping past infancy, one of the more popular ones in the natural community is that they are still nursing. Just because your child is older than a year or two or three doesn't mean they have to be in their own bed in their own room, and that's okay.
The benefits of cosleeping and bedsharing don't end at a certain time. It is the same as nursing. Your child doesn't magically become "too old" to stay in your room or your bed. Every family feels that age differently. Some stop wanting to sleep with their children when they start to flail around at night as inevitably all toddlers do, others like their children to be out of their bed by the time they eat solid foods. Still more don't like to have their children with them at all.
Cosleeping and bedsharing both have amazing benefits, but again, it's a choice for your family. If your family chooses either of those, it is good to know that you can choose when to stop. My daughter is so independent and strong, and personally I feel that knowing I am still just an arm's reach away helps that. I think that growing up with that comfort helped her to feel more confident in herself. She isn't going to always need me just because she is still in our bed sometimes. She isn't going to be terrified to go to her own room when she is ready. She won't be in our bed forever like some believe.
You can keep your child in your room and your bed even if you aren't nursing any longer. You can keep them in your room when they talk and walk and are their own person.
There isn't an age where it is unacceptable. This is your family. Make the choices you need to make to raise happy, healthy, independent children. For us, that is keeping her in our room just for peace of mind, though I know that those days are slowly coming to a close.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Bed Sharing Past Infancy
Co sleeping looks different for every family who practices it. The term co sleeping encompasses many arrangements from baby`s own bed in the same room as his parents to sharing a family bed with parents and even siblings. In my house we bed share. our sleeping arrangements evolve and change from stage to stage, but bed sharing has always been at the centre.
In the beginning, the family bed was just my son Oliver and I. My husband, convinced of the safety and benefits of bed sharing with an infant supported it whole heatedly, but was uncomfortable sleeping next to such a tiny infant himself. This arrangement was fine with me, with the intensity & frequency of Oliver's night nursing, it was easier for me to switch sides every few hours with the bed to ourselves.
As Oliver grew bigger, and my husband became more comfortable with the idea of sharing the family bed he started napping with us on weekends and then eventually joined us full time. I LOVE this arrangement. I love night waking to see both my guys sleeping peacefully in front of me, I love the way their sleep noises sound like a long & quiet conversation; a sigh answering a grunt which answered a hum. I love that I've never woken for the day to a crying baby, just big blinking eyes & toothy smiles, and my husband's apologetic grin because he didn't mean to wake us getting ready for work. I even love the WAY we sleep; when my husband and I lay on our sides facing each other with our legs curled up towards the centre of the bed, the negative space between our bodies, the place where our baby sleeps, is almost womb shaped.
Even now that our baby is now a toddler, we still fall asleep this way. All love and smiles and quiet contentment (Most nights anyways). But it should be said that co sleeping with a toddler is a whole different animal. Most nights we end up turned away and protecting our sensitive areas and vital organs from the onslaught of sleeping toddler thrashing.
In the beginning, the family bed was just my son Oliver and I. My husband, convinced of the safety and benefits of bed sharing with an infant supported it whole heatedly, but was uncomfortable sleeping next to such a tiny infant himself. This arrangement was fine with me, with the intensity & frequency of Oliver's night nursing, it was easier for me to switch sides every few hours with the bed to ourselves.
As Oliver grew bigger, and my husband became more comfortable with the idea of sharing the family bed he started napping with us on weekends and then eventually joined us full time. I LOVE this arrangement. I love night waking to see both my guys sleeping peacefully in front of me, I love the way their sleep noises sound like a long & quiet conversation; a sigh answering a grunt which answered a hum. I love that I've never woken for the day to a crying baby, just big blinking eyes & toothy smiles, and my husband's apologetic grin because he didn't mean to wake us getting ready for work. I even love the WAY we sleep; when my husband and I lay on our sides facing each other with our legs curled up towards the centre of the bed, the negative space between our bodies, the place where our baby sleeps, is almost womb shaped.
Even now that our baby is now a toddler, we still fall asleep this way. All love and smiles and quiet contentment (Most nights anyways). But it should be said that co sleeping with a toddler is a whole different animal. Most nights we end up turned away and protecting our sensitive areas and vital organs from the onslaught of sleeping toddler thrashing.
But you know what? I STILL love it. I love that many nights Oliver and his father end up holding hands in their sleep. I love that I get to spend all night so close to my son now that most of his days are spent running and climbing and just generally being too busy to be held. I love that my husband has the family bed to look forward to at the end of a long day, to bond & reconnect with us after being gone for work.
While we have plans to introduce a secondary sleeping surface for occasional/part time use, I don't see our family bed breaking up anytime soon. While there is a bit of a space issue in our queen sized bed with two adults and a toddler, there really is nothing wrong with our sleeping arrangements.
While we have plans to introduce a secondary sleeping surface for occasional/part time use, I don't see our family bed breaking up anytime soon. While there is a bit of a space issue in our queen sized bed with two adults and a toddler, there really is nothing wrong with our sleeping arrangements.
Just like breastfeeding, the benefits of the family bed don't disappear after infancy. Emotionally, by sharing sleep with Oliver we are still fostering the kind of connection and attachment that is at the center of our parenting philosophy. Physically our continued breastfeeding relationship is strengthened by our proximity to each other during the night, and the quiet 'sips' of milk Oliver takes from me throughout the night have many healthy benefits.
Will Oliver be in our bed until he's a teenager if I continue on like this? Probably not. Will he forever lack the ability to 'self sooth'? I doubt it. Will my husband resent me for continuing to bring our toddler to bed with us? Not at all likely.
Co sleeping looks different for every family who practices it. In our family we share a bed, we are happy with this arrangement and we don't plan to change it any time soon.
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