Five Reasons Why You Don't Want a "Good" Baby . . . at least not all the time!

Few things frustrate me more than being asked if I have a "good" baby. I know that most people are wondering if I have a baby who sleeps through the night/naps well, doesn't cry often, keeps himself entertained, etc. but it irks me that somehow my baby isn't "good" if he doesn't fit those parameters.  Especially since those traits may make a baby more convenient, but they have nothing to do with how "good" of a person that baby is.  Just because a baby might have more needs than another or is more expressive about those needs, it doesn't mean that baby is "bad." In fact, it just might be better to have a baby who is decidedly inconvenient and not "good."

1.  Babies who aren't "good" wake up a lot . . . and that makes them less vulnerable to SIDS.

Babies are designed to wake up often for good reason.  SIDS is actually related to a baby's inability to rouse easily or detect a build up of carbon dioxide in their blood.  Now, the general mainstream medical consensus is that babies are safest on their backs in their own beds, but other medical experts have suggested that babies may be safest when with co-sleeping with their sober, non-smoking mothers.  In fact, SIDS rates have continued to stay low despite a rise in safe co-sleeping.  This might have to do with the increase in breastfeeding rates among co-sleeping mothers as much as anything else, but the fact remains that while "good" babies might let their mothers have more uninterrupted sleep, babies who aren't so good (or aren't good all the time) actually demonstrate that they have a good arousal instinct and that is a definite positive!  Besides, there are sweet, snuggly times to be had when babies are awake, sleepily nursing, and snuggling with you that mamas of babies who sleep all the time, just don't get.

2.  Babies who aren't "good" cry a lot . . . and that means they are attached enough to want to communicate and believe that you will respond to their cries.

We all know people who are more verbal about what is going on with them than others.  Babies are just little people.  So, some of them will cry more than others because some of them just have more they want to say.  Some babies also just have more to communicate.  No matter how much or how little your baby cries at night or during the day, it is good because your baby is communicating (even if it doesn't seem that way at two a.m.).  The fact that your baby consistently is communicating with you about his or her needs is a positive thing.  It proves that your baby trusts you enough to tell you about what's going on with her/him.  By responding to your baby's cries, you are forming a trusting, attached relationship with your baby.  This might not mean your baby stops crying right away or that your baby cries less, but it does mean that your baby believes that you are going to respond to his or her needs.  When that baby grows up this will translate into words.  For example, my eldest baby cried a lot, and now, when he is sick, he still talks a lot.  He's just the kind of person who feels things very strongly and he needs to talk about his emotions to process them.  Because of the relationship we've been forming since his very first newborn baby cries, we have a very open communication line and I hope that honest communication continues for years to come.

3.  Babies who aren't "good" don't just lay/sit around and play with their toys . . . they are curious about their world and they want to explore it.

We've all had those moments when we've wanted to just put our babies down and have them keep themselves busy while we finish dinner/pick something up/whatever, and sometimes they may let us, but some babies mostly use that time to get into things, practice their crying communication with you, and generally cause a ruckus.  However, these are all good things!  A baby who isn't very interested in the world around them or who doesn't want to test that you will come running at least part of them time, is not a baby who is very interested in the outside world and that lack of curiosity probably isn't their best trait.  I imagine that if we could interview the mothers of most of the world's greatest inventors, innovators, and entrepreneurs, we would probably discover that as babies and small children they were incredibly curious and often got themselves into some scrapes because of it.  Whenever my sons are driving me crazy testing my communication line with them from the next room, I just remind myself that Pavlov's mother was probably his first and best test subject.

4.  Babies who aren't "good" don't stay in their car seats all the time; they insist on being held/worn and seeing the world from a higher level.

Risks of leaving your baby in their car seats frequently and shopping with your baby in his/her car seat aside, babies who are not kept in their car seats all the time actually tend to do a little better because they are held more often and get worn in a carrier.  In fact, God bless babies who aren't "good" all the time because they are the reason babywearing was invented and the benefits of babywearing are amazing.  From heart rate/physiological benefits for newborns to social interactions/connections with toddlers, your babies are made to be in your arms or worn and nothing but good comes from it . ..even if it seems inconvenient for you and what you want to get done at times.

5.  Babies who aren't "good" don't listen to what "they" tell you about parenting, they make you learn to listen to your heart and do more research.

You know who "they" are.  "They" are the ones who were asking you whether or not your baby was "good" to begin with.  "They" tell you you need to do XYZ to make your child into a convenient "good" baby or "they" will congratulate you when your baby doesn't cry or make a fuss, but give unsolicited advice when they do.  Babies who aren't "good" don't give a flying fruit what they say and if you let them, they will teach you not to care, either.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to examine who you are as a parent and as a person.  They teach you to make real connections to them and they become the catalyst for you to learn more about them, parenting, and yourself as a person.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to become better than you've ever been before and they teach you where your limitations are.

Babies who aren't "good" all the time are my favorite kind of babies!

Thank you for reading and kiss your "not good all the time" babies for me!
Shawna

The Comfort Corner

As my 2 1/2 year old blossoms more and more into his own personality and every day becomes more vocal in what he wants (and doesn't want), I'm finding that I need to expand my repertoire as a mom. For example, I'd noticed that when he got really upset, his urge to throw or rip things was very strong and that caused a lot of problems because the more destructive he got, the harder time I had keeping my cool, which meant the more upset he got, and, well, you get the idea. A lot of my friends who have kids of a similar age have been using time out, but I found that didn't really appeal to me at this time. The idea of getting into a power struggle with him and getting him to sit still in one place or in one location at a time when he was so viscerally, physically, and emotionally upset just didn't seem to be worth the effort. I also felt like time out (time away from me and my attention) would be mostly about punishment and I didn't really feel like I needed a punishment as much as I needed a tool to help him calm (and me) down when things got really crazy emotionally. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered reading a year or two ago about "comfort corners" and that seemed more to fit the bill of what I had in mind. A couple of google searches later, and I decided that it was exactly what we needed.

What is a "comfort corner"?

A "comfort corner" is a parenting tool used to help your child learn how to calm down and to seek "comfort" when things are going tough. (Here's my favorite description of it!) It's about building a physical space completely designed to trigger a calmer emotional space. The most helpful article I read about suggested you think of it as a little oasis or a space where your child can get back in touch with themselves and their emotions. Going to the corner is not a punishment, so it makes sense for them to have things they love there. Comfort corner is about helping your child to recognize when s/he needs some self-care. It doesn't have to have much, just some comfy pillows and whatever items help trigger "calmness" and "safety" to your child. Think of your favorite place to calm down when you are upset. For me, it's my bedroom. In my bedroom, I can read books. I can lay in my bed under my soft blankets and I can watch movies. Those are all things that trigger "serenity" in me. A "comfort" corner serves the same purpose for your child, but because the child is still learning how to calm him or herself, the comfort corner is a more public space than an adult would probably choose. Your child might not know exactly how to use the space at first (especially if they are young, as my son is) so it's not a place where they can go alone to give self-care until they are older. You can use the comfort corner as a tool to teach them how to recognize when they are spiraling out of control and what they can do to help themselves calm back down. So, for example, your child is throwing an outrageous fit about wanting juice when you have told her/him that he has had enough juice for the day and s/he needs to drink water, you can say to him/her, "Honey, it sounds to me like you are very upset. Let's go to the comfort corner and see if we can find something to make you feel a little better and then we can talk about juice versus water." Once in the corner, you work with him or her to find an activity that creates calmness. Once calm, you can either talk about what triggered him or her, or if it already feels resolved, you can move on. This sounded like exactly what we needed so about a month ago my toddler and I built a comfort corner in our living room where our Christmas tree used to be.

How do you "build" a comfort corner?

From the beginning, I wanted the comfort corner to "feel" like a space my son could love. I involved him in its very construction. Together we decided what pillows and blankets to put in there and which stuffed animals to leave in there. Knowing that my son loves to read, but can be destructive when angry, I decided to leave the book tubs just outside the corner, but within reach for when he is calm enough to do reading. Together we placed a soft cloth"taggie" ball in there that we'd gotten him when he was just a tiny baby and a blow up penguin that bounces back up when he gets pushed down. The rule is that he can (and does) go into the comfort corner at anytime and take anything he wants out or can even spend time in there when he's already calm, but when Mama thinks he needs to spend time in the comfort corner he needs to stay there until we both agree it's time to move on to another activity. (Because of his age, he does not currently go to the comfort corner alone. In a year or two, that will probably change, but for now this seems to work best.) To introduce the comfort corner as a positive thing, we first went in there only when he was in a good mood to read books, snuggle, or just play with stuffed animals. It was few days before I suggested going in there when he was upset.

What do you do in the comfort corner?

In the beginning, I really wasn't sure what we would "do" in there when he was upset that was so radically different from what we were doing already out of the corner, but slowly three basic activities have arisen.

The first involves throwing the soft, cloth ball around. We do this when the issue is that his urge to throw is causing him to throw dangerous things a little too often. The rule is that the ball must stay within the corner and strangely, it does seem to take the edge off of his urge.

The second involves the penguin. When he is very, very angry with me, I encourage him to physically work out his emotion by playing with the penguin. I never tell him to hit the penguin, but I do say. "Hey, sweetie. I think you have a lot of big emotions, let's see if we can get penguin to lay down so we can tell them to him." The physical energy needed to get penguin down when he keeps popping back up, often gets my son in a different space. Then, if he gets to a giggling place quickly with the penguin, I try to help him find words for his emotions while he's playing with the penguin. If he doesn't get to that giggling place, but does get to a little bit calmer space, I then get him to look me in the eye or snuggle with me and I try to help him voice what he is feeling. Julian has already written about this kind of "time-in" before.

The third is, by far, my son's favorite. It is a "love pile."

The love pile is simple. My son sits on some comfy pillows and I give him a hug and a kiss, tell him I love him, and then have each and every one of his comfort corner stuffed animals do the same as I pile them up one on one on top of him. He stays still and asks for "more" until we run out of stuffed animals or until he's ready to get up and go. I find for him that it gives him the sensory feeling of being surrounded and loved and it also gives him the realization that if he is feeling that he needs more love and attention, all he needs to do is ask for it. More and more often lately, I've noticed that he often pre-emptively asks for a love pile before the melt-down could occur. He recognizes in himself that he needs a little more attention and he gets it in the form of the love pile. He's even started practicing giving his stuffed animals love piles when they are sad or upset. It's a beautiful, beautiful sight to see my little toddler kissing his stuffed doggy who "fell" from the table and telling him to come to the comfort corner for a love pile. It's become such a positive activity that even Daddy sometimes jumps into the love pile with my toddler when he's having a bad day, too!

So what has the comfort corner done for us?

The comfort corner really has become a place "apart" from the rest of the house. As soon as I enter the comfort corner, I know that whatever it is that I wanted to clean/do/accomplish is officially on hold. My son recognizes this and he also knows that whatever he was upset about is temporarily on hold until we calm down long enough to work it out (of course, I say this, but like all things with a two year old there are some days where this is more evident than others!). When I suggest the comfort corner, I am always careful to keep anger out of my voice and to remember that this is a place of reconnection and a space where my primary job is to teach my son how to choose activities and words that will calm himself down. It takes me out of the "topicalness" of his usual meltdowns and reminds me of the bigger picture.

Actually, since installing the comfort corner, I have found more and more that the fits that I thought were about "not getting his way" or specific "things" were really more about my son really wanting to be heard and paid attention to. Often, I let myself get busy or distracted and instead of voicing his needs to me in a way I understand, he was throwing fits over "other" things. If I addressed his deeper need by taking him to the comfort corner and showing him how to do things to calm himself down, the need to scream went away even if I did absolutely nothing about the topic he was originally screaming about. That is worth the price of creating the comfort corner just on its own.

Thanks for letting me share. Maybe if you try a comfort corner in your house, you can let me know how it works for you. After all, I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here! I'd love to hear your ideas, too! I'm sure the comfort corner will evolve in amazing ways, the longer we keep it around the the older my son gets. I'd love to hear how one works in your home!

Shawna

Her Crying Spot

A few weeks ago, my daughter got really upset about something and ran to my room.  I could hear her muffled sobs and walked back there to see what I could do.  I unwrapped her from the blankets she'd pulled off the bed and wrapped around herself, picked her up and held her tight.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"I am just a little sad, so I came to my crying spot to feel better."

"Your crying spot?"

"Ya.  The place I go to feel safe and cry until I feel better."

"Oh, that's very smart!  Would you like me to leave you in your crying spot until you need me?"

"Yes, mama.  Thank you."

Since, every time she gets a little upset or doesn't want to talk, we ask her if she'd like to go to her crying spot and then call for us when she was ready for us.

What an ingenious idea!  A place you can go where you feel safe, comforted, and you can just feel whatever you need to feel.

We lost our seventh baby almost two weeks ago, and the idea of a safe place to grieve came back to me.  How many women suffering through the loss of a child put a smile on day after day and wonder when they can finally feel safe to actually feel what they need to feel?  How many times do we wish that we could run to the nearest hill, in the pouring rain, and sob all the anxiety and grief away where no one can hear?

How many times do we, as mothers and wives, just wish we could go somewhere to feel warm and comforted?

No matter the trials in our life, everyone needs to be able to let it all out sometimes.  Being a woman, and I speak from experience, we feel we need to take care of everyone else first and then deal with ourselves.  Not only is this unhealthy, but all the bottled up emotions have to eventually come out.

Everyone deserves their own place to do what they need to do, regardless of what that is.  It doesn't have to be a crying spot, but make a place of your own that is just yours.

Everyone has times where they're discouraged, sad, troubled, and grieving, and feeling safe can do a lot for letting that out.  Don't bottle things in.  Find a crying spot.  My daughter swears by them.