Broken Toe Mothering: How an Unfortunate Accident was Actually Good Fortune in Disguise

I remember the moment like it was yesterday even though it was three weeks ago.  I was rushing around the house and felt completely overwhelmed.  Both boys were crying.  Everywhere I looked was covered with things I needed to put away or clean.  I had dishes to do, a meal to cook, the floor to clean, bathrooms to scrub, a diaper to change, and I was fairly certain my four year old and I had not done a single educational thing together all day.  I felt like screaming and I had been a bossy, grumpy, mama all afternoon.  Then, things got worse.  While vacuuming with my youngest on my back, I took a step forward just as my other son called for me and I stubbed my toe on the vacuum and broke it.  Not the vacuum.  At least one bone in my toe.  I felt the crack and the pain after you've felt it once is undeniable.  This was the last thing I needed.  It was also the exact thing he needed.

You see, I learned something the next day as movement of any kind caused agony.  My problem wasn't the number of things on my to do list or how little I was accomplishing or even that my kids needed more than I could give.  My problem was what I was expecting myself to accomplish and my way of trying to make those accomplishments.  With my toe broken and in pain, I relaxed my expectations for myself because I had to rest my foot.  Imagine my amazement when I discovered that even though I was able to do much less, everything seemed less stressful.  My eldest son, whom I'd been randomly attacking with educational ideas that he would then push away, suddenly began to come to me with educational ideas.  "Let's do puzzles, mama.  Let's do mazes.  Let's build bridges.  Let's build houses.  Let's do tangrams."  It turns out that he was dying to do fun learning activities with me, he just didn't want to do it when I was in a hurry.  Likewise, because I was spending less time running around the house attempting to clean like a mad woman and more time sitting in the living room or playroom with my children, my youngest became a lot less demanding because he had what he wanted, my attention.  Dinner still got cooked every night (although admittedly at the end of cooking more complicated meals where I am on my feet all the time, my toe is killing me).  The clothes still got washed and folded.  Chores still got done, but sometimes things had to be shifted to the next day in order to give my foot time to rest.  Surprisingly, while my house has not gotten cleaner, it hasn't gotten any messier, either.  It turns out that the more time I spend in the room with my boys, the less time they have to make ridiculously huge messes because I'm there helping them to clean as we go instead of there some of the time and then missing while I frantically clean stuff in another area of the room.

I think what I finally realized is that this is a "Broken Toe" period of mothering.  It is a time when expectations of myself, my house, and my life need to get a little more relaxed so that I can appreciate the hard work that is going on.  All mothers of young children are a little handicapped by the circumstance of being mothers of young children.  Young children cannot be independent.  The job of taking care of them is messy and time consuming and it precludes perfection (or even really good work) as a housekeeper. It is also rewarding and time sensitive.  While I will have the rest of my life to scrub dishes, floors, windows, laundry, etc.  (although hopefully in decreasing amounts as the years go on!), I only have a few years to be a mom of young children and when this season ends, it ends. Never to come again.  I can either relax my expectations of what "accomplishment" looks like right now or I can be constantly disappointed when I don't measure up, because my kids' needs are not going to lessen for awhile yet and they will always come first.  They might was well come first with me smiling and watching and (occasionally) resting and healing.  After all, it's better than if they come first because they have to demand it from me when I'm grumbling, preoccupied, and frenzied.

So, lesson learned, Universe.  Now can I please have my toe completely healed in the next week or two?

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Why I Want My Children To Love Fairy Tales

This is a touchy subject for a lot of people.  The Disney Princesses get a lot of flack, though for good reason when you're old enough to analyze them for the bad examples they seem to be, but in our house, we love them.

I grew up with the Disney Princesses.  I grew up learning about fairy tales, reading books about them, wanting a happy ending so bad that that's all I planned.  Meeting the perfect guy, which I did, getting married, again yes, and I always envisioned having lots of kids without issue, which hasn't happened.  You'd think that would tarnish the way I view fairy tales and happy endings.  I got part of mine, but the other will be forever out of my grasp.

I try very hard not to push my fears and insecurities on my daughter.  I have a lot of them, most having to do with my losses and infertility, and it's hard.  I'm a partial helicopter parent because I'm terrified I'm going to lose her too.

But this won't change the fact that I want my daughter (and hopefully my children) to grow up with the same beautiful view of the world that I had as a child.  Things didn't turn out how I wanted, but that doesn't make the idea of a fairy tale ending any less beautiful and enchanting.  In fact, I think the loss we have gone through has made me realize even more than we need these stories in our lives.

I won't hide the bad parts of life from my daughter since she's already seen more loss than most people by the time they're my age.  However, I will try my hardest to instill in her the knowledge that life can be happy after bad things happen.  I'm in the midst of the bad, so it's harder to see the silver lining, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.

Fairy tales for me are a way to escape the tragedies of life and look towards the future.  Yes, looking deep down Belle fell in love with her kidnapper, Cinderella didn't do much to change her surroundings besides getting married, and Ariel lied to her dad and ran away.  But my daughter doesn't see that.  I don't see that.

To her, they're beautiful stories with happy endings.  To me, they're examples of how life can turn around.

They will always be in my house, even if just to show that sometimes life really can end with a "Happily Ever After."

Finding Joy in the Journey

It's hard not to constantly anticipate the happiness you expect to experience when you finally get that positive pregnancy test. As a couple trying to conceive (or TTC) it can be in the forefront of your mind. "If I could only get pregnant, then I'd be really happy." Of coarse it's something to look forward to and anticipating a pregnancy is part of the fun (and part of the heartache) of TTC. Now, I know I will be excited when I am able to have another baby but I soon found my self consumed with wanting a baby and focusing on how happy my life could be instead of how happy it is. I decided to focus the past couple of weeks on finding joy in the journey and finding happiness in my life right where it is.

It all started with conversations at work. I have a co-worker who is an early twenties bachelor living at home with his mom. He has minimal living expenses so he loves to spend his money on designer clothing and he drives an expensive car. (Seriously just thinking about his car payment makes me sick.) On a Monday morning we have our usual "What did you do over the weekend?" conversation where he tells me all about the latest parties he attended or girls he is interested in, etc. This particular Monday he comes in talking about how he went to a friend's lake house and went boating. Then he goes on to talk about how happy he would be if he finally had a boat or an ATV or motorcycle. I literally started laughing. I told him how lucky he is to be able to have all the nice things that he does! He just can't seem to be satisfied unless he has all the trivial, material possessions he could ever want. I just don't get it.

After work I was relaying the conversation to my husband, still shocked that he could really feel like his happiness depended on acquiring toys, and it hit me. I am guilty of that same mindset. It occurred to me in that moment that I've been too focused on wanting another baby, I haven't stopped to smell the roses myself. Sure it's one thing to look at the life of my co-worker and see how easy he has it and wonder why he could ever want more, but to look at my own life that way? I don't have all the material possessions that he does, nor do I want them. But I do find myself from time to time waiting to be happy. I'm waiting for a baby to be happy.

I can't keep looking at what I don't have in my life and expect to be happy once I have it. Of coarse material possessions and longing for another child are two very different things, but the idea that I won't be happy until I have what I want is the same. I don't want to wait to be happy. I'm ready to be happy. This is a lot easier said than done. Especially since I have struggled with depression throughout my life. On more than one occasion I have reached a point where I have actually sought medical help from a doctor for my depression but then I always end up chickening out and never even start the prescribed anti-depressant. (Note: Everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with needing or taking a medication for depression. It's just not something that ever felt right for me.)

While I am certainly no expert, I was able to make a few changes in my life that certainly helped elevate my mood and helped me to be happy. The first was finding a support system. When hard times hit, I need someone to lean on. I need someone that can empathize and at least be a shoulder for me to cry on, but at the same time not enable me to just wallow in self pity. The most significant support system I have is my friend going through a similar situation. I can text her anytime and vent about another negative pregnancy test or that sometimes I just don't want to try anymore and she gets it. It's really nice having someone who can understand my situation and who shares some of the same feelings I have regarding TTC. A friend or friends who "get it" can be found just about anywhere. This blog, twitter, facebook and other social media sites are great for connecting people. I know a lot of people who would feel lost without their "tweeps" or twitter friends. I have felt that way a time or two myself.

The next thing I did find happiness in my life was to schedule a weekly family night. This was the easiest and most beneficial thing I could have done. On a random weeknight, I said to my husband and son "It's family game night. What should we play?" This turned into a weekly event and something we all really look forward to. My son especially loves getting to have a special night just for playing games. He is only 3 years old but has already started planning for future family game nights. He planned a treasure hunt and we were all a band of pirates trying to find it. Creating memories like this has been priceless. It's been so fun to put more focus on family fun time. We spend a decent amount of time together as a family, but having a special, scheduled game night has been something that has drawn my family even closer together. It's the best night of our week.

The next thing I did to find joy is look for more opportunities to serve others. I just started with my own family and slowly expanded from there. Everyday I wake up and the first thing I think of is TTC as I take my basal body temperature. It's hard not to be consumed with wanting another baby when the first thought every single morning revolves around trying for another baby. So now when I wake up and take my temperature I think about what I'm going to do to serve others. While I wait for that thermometer to beep, I plan something to help someone. Whether it's making plans with my handicapped Uncle, taking my SAHM friend's kids to the park so she can have a break, or making a special breakfast for my husband, I try to think of new ways to help people.

Another thing that helps me to be happy is setting personal goals. I especially love this one. I am big on goal setting. It helps me evaluate my life as it is and look for things I can do to improve myself. The goals I set are a wide variety of goals from saying something positive about myself each day, to making healthy eating decisions. Then I use a dry erase marker and write the goals on my mirror. I usually have between 3-5 goals for the week and I see them everyday. Sometimes it's a goal to try out a new recipe, make a new friend, or speak kindly to my husband. It can be about anything. It has helped give me something worthwhile to focus on instead of only thinking about another baby. And if I improve myself along the way, it's even better.

While my life is far from perfect, and I am no expert on happiness, I have enjoyed the small changes I have made to find more joy in life. It's a never ending struggle to stay positive. I know, for me it's something I will always have to work at, but it's worth the effort.

Enduring challenges of any kind can take the focus off just how happy and fulfilling our lives already are. What are things you do to help you remember to stop and smell the roses? During challenges in your life, how do you remain positive? What do you do to ensure your own happiness?