Guys and Dolls: How a Little Play Violence is Helping my Son be LessAgressive

"Oh, no, Michael!" CRASH! "Mama, my first son just slammed into the wall! He needs to make better choices! That's a bad consequence."

This is the kind of thing I've been hearing a lot since Christmas.  This is not how I originally envisioned my eldest playing with "Michael" a cloth boy doll with soft velvety material for skin and a wry half smile that my son loves, but, it seems to be very therapeutic for him and is shaping his behavior for the better so, I'm rolling with it for now!

I originally got Michael because my son kept talking about the ten sons he wants to adopt someday and support with his job as a photographer (no spouse necessary apparently and how they are going to all ride on the motorcycle he plans to drive is a mystery, but he's four so he has time to figure it out).   I also thought the doll would be handy for role playing now that our second son is crawling around and getting into all our eldest's toys and he's been frustrated by that.  I remember my mom using my dolls in a similar way and trying to substitute stuffed animals didn't seem to have the same results.  I also thought it could be a chance for him to practice the fathering skills that his father demonstrates daily and can take out some of the down time when daddy or mama has to stop games to change brother or soothe him; I thought maybe Michael's diaper could be changed at the same time.  (I remember vividly doing that kind of thing when I was four when my little brother needed attention.). Maybe Michael will get to fill those roles someday, but for now he's primarily a flying scape goat and occasional car violence victim or punching bag.

At first I found the level of violence horrifyingly fascinating. I wasn't sure how to react.  I decided to watch his "play" with Michael to find the "why and what purpose" the play was serving before I intervened with alternatives and the results were fascinating.  Most of my eldest's frustrations with his younger sibling became deflected on Michael.  If I said "pushing your brother down is not a good way to keep him from your toys," my eldest would simply push down Michael, or throw him, or hit him, or kick him before I could even get to asking about alternatives or suggesting alternative interactions with his brother.  Sometimes, the intensity of his anger was a bit scary.  However, after getting his aggression out with Michael, he was much better at suggesting and using alternative behaviors with his brother, so I let him continue.

This course of (in)action seems to be working because, on his own, the interactions with Michael have become less violent as his interactions with his brother improve by the use of new sibling strategies.  There are just days when Michael is in for it, but the important part is that my youngest is now much safer because my eldest is tempted less often to physically lash out at him.

While I still believe in trying to teach my son to use words to get his feelings out, Michael is helping me see that sometimes it may be too much to expect a four year old's language skills and understanding to be adequate enough to get out the intensity of the emotions he is feeling when he is feeling it.  An adult's primary way of playing through emotions may be to talk about it in conversation and tell what happened, but a child's primary way of working through emotions is to physically play it out and then talk about it later.  In fact, it seems like I was skipping an essential step in even understanding my son's emotions when I wanted him to role play "nicely" with me before he'd even had a chance to physically play out and understand the intensity of his anger and frustration. If we adults "need" to play violent video games, play basketball, call a friend or go for a hard run to work through intense stress and emotion, why wouldn't our children also need to do some intense activity to physically let out the stress of what they are working through?  Isn't it the same impulse?  Frustrations with a newly mobile sibling may seem like small potatoes to us, but that's just because it's not new or intense for us.  It is both for my eldest son.  Michael has helped as a tool to work through that.

Michael also gets to provide some wish fulfillment for my son.  While my eldest broke his arm trying to ride a laundry basket down the stairs just a week and a half before Christmas, Michael has made several unsuccessful and successful dare devil antics without getting hurt.  While my son has learned the hard way that he cannot climb furniture, ride down the stairs, or jump off rickety things, Michael gladly does it for him without injury.  This is particularly important because of the restricted activity my son is currently limited to because of his broken arm.  (Something else that must be supremely frustrating and might have been at the root of some of that anger that got taken out on Michael.)

I'd read in Lawrence Cohen's awesome book Playful Parenting that children work through their trauma and their feelings (especially negative feelings or uncomfortable emotions) through play because the fiction of play creates a safe space in which they can explore both the things they have experienced and that which they fear experiencing.  I think maybe Michael is a vehicle through which my son is doing some tough emotional work and if it keeps my eldest son happy and able to deal more positively with his brother and it means that he will never again scare the crap out of me by riding a laundry basket down the stairs, so be it!  

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

P.S. I'm still hoping to see those sweet, traditional doll play fathering moments, too . . . some day.

They Might Not Listen, but They Always Hear

My eldest son is very spirited and he is challenged by having my temper coupled with a strong desire to throw things especially when he is angry. He's been like this since he was eight months old. In the over three years since then, I have probably told him not to throw hard, potentially harm causing objects at least seventy two billion times. (Because the impulse to throw is so strong for him, we do have a rule that soft objects [and we have painstakingly determined every object he owns that belongs in that category] may be thrown in the house not at people unless you ask them to "catch" first AND they say yes.)

However, at least once a week, I find myself complaining with my husband after the boys are in bed that he isn't "listening" again when I ask him not to throw.  There are other things I feel like I have to repeatedly ask him not to do and things that I ask him to do that he should probably remember on his own.  All of this is very irritating and disheartening.  There are even times when I wonder if I'm any good at this parenting thing at all. It seems like for every three good moments of gentle parenting I have, I have at least one truly awful one and no matter how many times I get down on his level, look him in the eyes, and provide a brief, age appropriate reason not to throw (or whatever), he still never seems to hear me.

Yet, I know that is not the case because recently, I had a chance to see my little boy demonstrate how much he is always listening in the sweetest way possible. I had laid my six month old on a blanket on the floor in the playroom where my eldest son was playing so I could switch laundry from the washer to the dryer (just one room over through an open floor plan). My youngest started to cry because I was out of his eyesight and my eldest (who has had thoughtful conversations with me about how he is really uncomfortable when the baby cries and how he doesn't like it) immediately jumped into action.  He sat down next to his brother and took him in his arms and started murmuring to him, "It's alright little one, your brother is here and mama will be here soon.  I love you little baby. Don't be afraid. Don't you know you're not alone? Mama and me are always here for you.  I know it's scary, but I'll take care of you. I'll stay right by you until mama comes."

These were paraphrases of the same words I have said to him and the baby any time they have started crying in the middle of the night or day and he used them and demonstrated extra tenderness by holding his brother in spite of being admittedly frustrated when he hears his baby brother cry.  He had somehow picked up empathy and kindness from my example without me even knowing I was teaching it! I teared up on the spot, stepped out of the doorway I had been peeking around, and took both boys in my arms and told them exactly how proud I am of the love and empathy they are showing one another.  

I also decided right then and there that while the little day to day lessons I keep repeating don't always seem to be sinking in, at least I'm getting some of the big stuff right. After all, the chances of him growing up and continuing to chuck random stuff at and around people is probably pretty slim, but the chance he'll need to use empathy is pretty high. 

So, take heart, mamas, even if your kids never seem to listen, they are still hearing how you interact with them and they are learning from that who you think they are and should be.

Thanks for reading!

Shawna

 

one and done

My husband and I are young. I'm 30 and he's 32. So I say the following with the caveat that there is plenty of time should we change our minds. But I don't think we will.

See, before having kids I was always so sure that two would be our perfect number. Now, now I think that what we have shouldn't be messed with. I can't even fathom adding another person into the mix.

Before Gwen, there was such intense longing for a baby. Now, I feel no need for a second child, no desire to upset our balance, no longing to go through the baby stages again. I feel content with Gwen, complete as our unit.

Sure, in the back of my mind there is a little voice that whispers of the relationship I have with my brother, Ethan, and our amazing bond. A little part of me feels badly "denying" Gwen that relationship. I wonder if I'm forcing her to miss out on a great relationship and a ton of memories? Denying her future kids the pleasure of Aunts and Uncles? Making things harder for her when Trav and I get old and she has to deal with us on her own?

But who is to say that a sibling would be any of those things to her?

If we did have another, I'm positive the love would be there. I'm sure that I would take my first glances at the little one that had grown in my womb and feel nothing but amazement. I would wonder how we ever considered not doing it.

But would we be able to do less of certain things? Less of the traveling we want to do with Gwen? Less one-on-one? And its silly, but I worry what if I don't love the second one as much? Or worse, what if I love it more?

From an AP standpoint, would I be able to parent the way I wanted with a very attached little girl, and a newborn in need of much attention? Would I get touched out that much sooner? Would have have the "gas" to get me through 3 more years of breastfeeding if that's what the babe decided? I would have patience enough for Gwen and a second, when sometimes I feel I don't have enough patience for just my almost 3 year old? Would I be able to find and keep a balance in my life, between being the hands on Mama I love being while still being a wife and sometimes just Meegs? Something I'm really just getting a handle on now?

Recently, I visited with a friend and her newborn baby boy. I adore babies, I really do, and I loved every second of holding and snuggling with the grumpy little old man. But it really hit me at that moment, as much as I loved holding and snuggling this baby... I am happy not to do it again. I don't want sleepless nights and crying that I'm not sure how to fix. I don't want the helplessness. I don't.

We remind ourselves that decisions at this point don't have to be infinitely binding. That my brother and I are close as can be at 7 years apart. But at this point we've given away all the baby clothes. We've started giving away all the gear. And eventually, "not deciding" will be a decision.


How many kids do you have? If you have one, will you have more? Why or why not? If you have more then one, how did you know having number two (etc) was what was right for you? 

The Way Mother's Are

One of my favorite books as a child was The Way Mother's Are by Miriam Schlein. My mother read it to me often and when I became a mother, her gift to me was a copy of that book. It's a story about a kitten trying to understand the depth of his mother's love. The mother cat assures him throughout the book that she loves him unconditionally because that is "the way mother's are" I love the illustrations and as a child I felt I could relate to the kitten in the book. Sometimes I was an angel and sometimes I was a monster and my mother loved me regardless.

The book took on a whole new meaning for me when I read it as a mother instead of a child. I began to understand the moments for the mother who loved her child during the difficult times as well as the easy ones. My heart had been opened to a new kind of love and now I see the world differently. Nothing in the world can prepare a mother for that feeling. You hear about it, read about it and try to understand, but until you feel it, you never truly know the amazing love a mother has for her child.

Once you do understand the depth of a mother's love, you know you'll never be the same. My life before Lou was wonderful, but compared to now, it seems less meaningful and fulfilling. Once you've experienced the love a mother has, nothing quite compares. My son is so precious, so delicate, so beautiful and so much a part of me! He brought to life a part of my soul that I didn't know exsisted. His presence in my life completes a part of me that I didn't know was lacking. He has awakened the most precious depths of my heart. It's amazing how a tiny person can have such an enormous impact.

This indescribable love is what fuels my desire to have more children. Now that I have experienced joy like no other, I want more. Trying to conceive baby #2 has been difficult. It's the hardest challenge we've had to face as a couple. It's been a rough road. I haven't been on birth control since 2009, we used a barrier method until 2010, then we weren't trying but also not preventing for several months. We finally got to the point where we have been actively TTC for the past 6 months. I was just certain we'd have a baby by now. But life never seems to work out the way you plan.

I was upset about not being able to achieve a pregnancy for a while, but then once day I woke up and realized that a lot of other people are in a similar situation. Instead of silently fretting over my own TTC woes, I decided to be open about it. That decision has definitely been a double-edged sword. I have received a lot of "just relax" advice, which can be annoying. (If relaxing worked, I would have been pregnant a year ago.) I have also received a lot of support and encouragement. I am OK with talking about my conception goals. I have found that being open about it has improved my attitude. I originally thought it would be difficult to share something personal like this. I didn't want people to anticipate and expect a pregnancy announcement. That would do nothing but add stress to the situation. I was happy to discover the opposite to be true. I have received lots of support and encouragement. People don't ask me anymore when we are going to have another baby. That part has been especially nice. My family and friends know that when I have an announcement to make, I will make it.

Trying for our second child has been rough at times, but being open about my experiences has helped. I have been able to connect with some amazing women going through similar experiences. I have recieved encouragement from family and friends. I have drawn closer to my husband, and I know that when I am finally blessed with another child, the love I have for my son will expand into something amazing that I can only begin to imagine.

Blame It On The Sleep Deprivation

I feel kind of guilty that I don't have a great post to share today. Things have been exhausting around here. Holliday is teething, and we haven't had normal, or even close to normal sleep in 2 weeks. We have been up with him about 5-8 times per night after he retires at about 11. Lastnight was the best yet. With a midnight bedtime he slept until 8. I felt slightly refreshed this morning, but found myself selfishly wanting more.

Tolliver woke with a cold. A girl in his gymnastics class showed up sick on Tuesday, and voila! here we are with a sick, snuggly toddler.

Times have definitely been trying as of late. I have found myself in tears, frustrated, exhausted and amazed at all the dips and dives of parenthood. In all of this, my husband has been nothing short of amazing. He may not have the right words to calm me when I am in tears, but his actions are definitely making up for it. He has been up with Holliday almost as much as I have. Generally I try to be the one to wake with Hobby in the night, since Shane has to wake for work. Lately my exhaustion is showing, and without complaints, Shane is springing up to soothe our pained boy.

I really am lucky to have such a supportive and involved husband. I know there are so many mamas out there that aren't as lucky. Shane is so hands on, and takes on just as much weight as I do. He doesn't think twice about staying up until midnight with Holliday so that I can try to get an hour or two in before the nightly battle begins. He really does get it. We didn't create a family for me to raise, it's a joint effort. I am amazed by my mama friends who do it all. Most are so used to it that they don't even complain. I'd complain. I rely on the help and boosts of sanity from my husband; I couldn't imagine doing it all myself.

Sorry for the disappointing post, readers. My hope is that things return to normal and I can get back on track for next week.

Tammy, Connected Mom

Staying Connected When Your Baby Becomes Big Brother

After the excitement of Big Brother and Big Sister shirts has passed and the influx of happy visitors tapers off after the arrival of a new baby, the reality of parenting two children sets in.  A lot of parents face apprehension about the transition to having more than one child.  Attachment parents face the challenge of staying connected with older children while bonding with the new addition. 

We recently made this transition, and in many ways, it has been easier than I thought.  One thing I work on constantly is keeping connected with both kids.  Connected Daughter is worn and held at least 90% of the time, so figuring out ways to maintain a strong bond with Connected Son is particularly important.

Here are some tips to stay connected with older children during this time:

- Ask your older child to help.  Siblings like to feel needed.  Even toddlers can bring you burp cloths, "help" change diapers, and pick out outfits for baby.  Helping you care for baby allows them to bond as well.  Connected Son loves to make Connected Daughter laugh when she's fussy, and he's really good at it!

- Make special dates with older children.  Take big brother with you to the grocery store, hold hands, and talk about their interests.  Read big sister a book during baby's nap.  It's especially important for older children to have one-on-one time with Mom and Dad.  Some afternoons I take Connected Son outside to play ball or a library trip.  Those few minutes of mommy time go a long way.

- Be patient with them.  Attached children are generally sensitive and caring toward others, especially new siblings, but even they have a limit.  It's hard to go from having undivided attention to sharing your parents.  When tantrums erupt, help older children redirect their frustrations by modeling patience and positive thinking.

I never could have imagined how strongly Connected Son would bond with his sister.  I love to watch them together.  As a parent, your bond with you older children will take on a new and rewarding aspect as you watch them connect with their younger sibling.  It takes adjustment when your family grows, but with consideration everyone in the family can stay connected while creating personal bonds with the new family member.