Five Reasons Why You Don't Want a "Good" Baby . . . at least not all the time!

Few things frustrate me more than being asked if I have a "good" baby. I know that most people are wondering if I have a baby who sleeps through the night/naps well, doesn't cry often, keeps himself entertained, etc. but it irks me that somehow my baby isn't "good" if he doesn't fit those parameters.  Especially since those traits may make a baby more convenient, but they have nothing to do with how "good" of a person that baby is.  Just because a baby might have more needs than another or is more expressive about those needs, it doesn't mean that baby is "bad." In fact, it just might be better to have a baby who is decidedly inconvenient and not "good."

1.  Babies who aren't "good" wake up a lot . . . and that makes them less vulnerable to SIDS.

Babies are designed to wake up often for good reason.  SIDS is actually related to a baby's inability to rouse easily or detect a build up of carbon dioxide in their blood.  Now, the general mainstream medical consensus is that babies are safest on their backs in their own beds, but other medical experts have suggested that babies may be safest when with co-sleeping with their sober, non-smoking mothers.  In fact, SIDS rates have continued to stay low despite a rise in safe co-sleeping.  This might have to do with the increase in breastfeeding rates among co-sleeping mothers as much as anything else, but the fact remains that while "good" babies might let their mothers have more uninterrupted sleep, babies who aren't so good (or aren't good all the time) actually demonstrate that they have a good arousal instinct and that is a definite positive!  Besides, there are sweet, snuggly times to be had when babies are awake, sleepily nursing, and snuggling with you that mamas of babies who sleep all the time, just don't get.

2.  Babies who aren't "good" cry a lot . . . and that means they are attached enough to want to communicate and believe that you will respond to their cries.

We all know people who are more verbal about what is going on with them than others.  Babies are just little people.  So, some of them will cry more than others because some of them just have more they want to say.  Some babies also just have more to communicate.  No matter how much or how little your baby cries at night or during the day, it is good because your baby is communicating (even if it doesn't seem that way at two a.m.).  The fact that your baby consistently is communicating with you about his or her needs is a positive thing.  It proves that your baby trusts you enough to tell you about what's going on with her/him.  By responding to your baby's cries, you are forming a trusting, attached relationship with your baby.  This might not mean your baby stops crying right away or that your baby cries less, but it does mean that your baby believes that you are going to respond to his or her needs.  When that baby grows up this will translate into words.  For example, my eldest baby cried a lot, and now, when he is sick, he still talks a lot.  He's just the kind of person who feels things very strongly and he needs to talk about his emotions to process them.  Because of the relationship we've been forming since his very first newborn baby cries, we have a very open communication line and I hope that honest communication continues for years to come.

3.  Babies who aren't "good" don't just lay/sit around and play with their toys . . . they are curious about their world and they want to explore it.

We've all had those moments when we've wanted to just put our babies down and have them keep themselves busy while we finish dinner/pick something up/whatever, and sometimes they may let us, but some babies mostly use that time to get into things, practice their crying communication with you, and generally cause a ruckus.  However, these are all good things!  A baby who isn't very interested in the world around them or who doesn't want to test that you will come running at least part of them time, is not a baby who is very interested in the outside world and that lack of curiosity probably isn't their best trait.  I imagine that if we could interview the mothers of most of the world's greatest inventors, innovators, and entrepreneurs, we would probably discover that as babies and small children they were incredibly curious and often got themselves into some scrapes because of it.  Whenever my sons are driving me crazy testing my communication line with them from the next room, I just remind myself that Pavlov's mother was probably his first and best test subject.

4.  Babies who aren't "good" don't stay in their car seats all the time; they insist on being held/worn and seeing the world from a higher level.

Risks of leaving your baby in their car seats frequently and shopping with your baby in his/her car seat aside, babies who are not kept in their car seats all the time actually tend to do a little better because they are held more often and get worn in a carrier.  In fact, God bless babies who aren't "good" all the time because they are the reason babywearing was invented and the benefits of babywearing are amazing.  From heart rate/physiological benefits for newborns to social interactions/connections with toddlers, your babies are made to be in your arms or worn and nothing but good comes from it . ..even if it seems inconvenient for you and what you want to get done at times.

5.  Babies who aren't "good" don't listen to what "they" tell you about parenting, they make you learn to listen to your heart and do more research.

You know who "they" are.  "They" are the ones who were asking you whether or not your baby was "good" to begin with.  "They" tell you you need to do XYZ to make your child into a convenient "good" baby or "they" will congratulate you when your baby doesn't cry or make a fuss, but give unsolicited advice when they do.  Babies who aren't "good" don't give a flying fruit what they say and if you let them, they will teach you not to care, either.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to examine who you are as a parent and as a person.  They teach you to make real connections to them and they become the catalyst for you to learn more about them, parenting, and yourself as a person.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to become better than you've ever been before and they teach you where your limitations are.

Babies who aren't "good" all the time are my favorite kind of babies!

Thank you for reading and kiss your "not good all the time" babies for me!
Shawna

Life After the Rainbow

We had seven losses before our beautiful rainbow was born.  She lights up our lives in ways we didn't know we needed.  We have two beautiful daughters, and they are both such incredible miracles.

However, it isn't all sunshine.  In some ways having our miracle baby makes the pain of losses easier and in other ways having her here makes it all so much harder.  The pain isn't gone.  Having a baby after loss doesn't mean the pain didn't happen.  You can be happy and joyous, yet sad at the same time, and that is completely okay!!

Milestones she reaches are bittersweet.  I love how fast she learns things and how smart she is, but seeing her reminds me I didn't get that with our other children.  It doesn't make the joy at seeing her learn any less, but sometimes it means that it takes time for me to truly feel the joy that used to be so easy when our oldest daughter did these same things.

One thing I have learned through all of this was I needed to forgive myself and let myself have the space and time needed to feel the grief and joy that sometimes feels never ending.  It doesn't mean that I take her for granted, it doesn't mean that I am not so very happy she is alive and thriving, it just means that I am being the best mother I can be, to all my children.

You need to allow yourself to feel all you need.  Pregnancy after so many losses was exhausting.  I was constantly terrified I would wake up one morning and it would all be over, just like the others.  I couldn't let my guard down.  I was terrified to love the baby growing inside me.  I struggled with depression and anxiety, and amplified by hormones I was a mess.

Preparing for a freebirth made me work through the fears I had, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  The actual birth was the most powerful I have ever felt, but that simple act wasn't enough to take away all the fear.

As it nears my rainbow's first birthday, I think of all we went through to get her here, and all that I still struggle with.  The upcoming holiday season also makes it all the more apparent.

I'm slowly relaxing and some anxiety is lifting, but I still have a hard time leaving her or her sister with anyone I'm not very very close to.  I still have flashes in my mind of something happening her.

Once you lose a baby, the innocence you had before is gone.  And if you struggled with it before losing a child, it becomes amplified.

During this holiday season and always, please know there are so many places to find support.  Websites such as Unspoken Grief and Stillbirthday, twitter, facebook, in person support groups.  Such a wide variety of support and understanding, so please reach out.  And I am always available, so please send an email (connectedmom.kayce@gmail.com) if you would like information on anything, or even just to talk. 

Just because you've received your miracle doesn't mean your grief stops.  Feel what you need to feel, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Remembering Infertility: Honoring the Child of Your Heart

I'm not sure there is anything more frustrating than trying for a baby. . . especially in a culture that treats the decision to have a baby as some sort of given.  We are encouraged to "plan" our babies and to "try" when our lives are stable and all circumstances are perfectly ready.  So, we wait and we plan that pregnancy for the perfect time .  . . and then we learn that babies, even when planned, come in their own time (and sometimes not at all).  To have all our illusions of control over conception stripped away so thoroughly may be an excellent precursor of what motherhood is like at every stage, but that knowledge is little comfort when you are still trying to make the child of your heart and your dreams incarnate.   I have read about the Himba tribe in Namibia where a child's age is not counted from when the child is born, but from when his or her parents first decided they wanted a child.  So, a child who is ten years in the making is considered ten from the very day s/he was born.  Imagine going through your life knowing not just how long you've been on this earth, but also how much you are wanted and knowing what a struggle your parents had in conceiving you and how dedicated they were to you before you even officially existed.  Imagine those children who were hardest to conceive being the most recognized and celebrated in the community.  Imagine if our culture recognized that we do not all have such easy control of our fertility and we should celebrate those who labored the longest to have their children (however those children end up coming whether through biological, natural conception, fertility treatments, or adoption) by recognizing not only their achievement in getting a child but also their journey to getting that child (whether that child is their first, second, or even third or fifth).

Last month was Pregnancy/Infant Loss month and I saw many beautiful links going across my facebook feed and I am thrilled that a topic that was so taboo that it seemed like no one ever talked about it as recently as ten years ago, is suddenly getting the attention it deserves.  Yet, October was also Infertility Awareness Month and I saw very little about this topic and I've seen very little during its awareness week in April .  I get it; it's a little awkward to talk about it.  Unlike a lost pregnancy or an infant loss where the pain of the loss is easier for everyone to recognize (if not easier for people to talk about), the pain of the loss of the opportunity for life is a lot harder for people to grasp perhaps especially for those who have always gotten pregnant when they wanted to or even without wanting to.  So, I want to take a moment to recognize that the loss of the opportunity to have a baby cuts deeply every single month it happens and even if you aren't being public about your efforts to get pregnant, I want to take this moment to recognize you and to tell you that your journey is just as important as the journey of those who have gotten pregnant while you've been trying.  It seems like only yesterday it was me waiting for my period to restart (for over two years after having my first baby) and then crying in frustration every month there after as I waited for it to stop again proving that I was once again pregnant.  It did not take me as long to get pregnant as it does many other people, but it was long enough for me to fully appreciate and recognize the miracle that my second child is.  While many out there are still trying for their first child or their second child, I now have my youngest son in my arms.  I am forever grateful for that, but my good fortune does not blind me to the painful journey you are still on.  I want you to know that I see you, I recognize you, and I care about you and your journey.  It is my wish that every woman who currently has a child of her heart will also have a child in her arms one day and that child will understand exactly how wanted and blessed s/he is to have been wanted for so long before he/she was in your arms.

I just wanted to take this moment to let you know this.  So, if this is not the month, may it be next month and know that you are not alone.  There are thousands of women out there who struggle along with you.  Some of those women have talked very openly about their own struggles with infertility on this very blog (Kayce has written about this topic often in the past and Amy has written about her very painful journey).  Know that you ARE seen.  You ARE loved.  You ARE NOT failing. And you ARE a mother to a beautiful child of your heart.  I want to honor that and honor you.  May your journey end soon with a child in your arms.

Thanks for reading, 

Shawna

we are our own worst critic

So often, we as parents see only the ways that we fall short. Its is so true what they say, that we are our own worst critics. So a sweet little video, that I couldn't resist sharing, to show you that maybe what you see, and what our kids see is very different:


A New Perspective For Moms from Elevation Church on Vimeo.

Keep on keeping on, Mamas.

one day I'll poop in private

Gwen is going through a want to be with one of us at all times phase right now. While just a few weeks ago she would happily wander throughout our downstairs, grabbing a toy from her play kitchen (in our real kitchen) before grabbing a coloring book from the living room, then flopping down on the floor in the dining room to color, now she seems to be developing some fears of being alone* and consequently wants us to go with her anytime she needs something from another room. It also means that she wants to follow us when we go to other rooms, including the bathroom.

We are pretty open in our household when it comes to nudity, and bodily functions. Gwen will take showers with me on the weekends, we change in front of each other, and we often leave the door open when we go to the bathroom. Its just not a big deal. But suddenly my normally quiet "nature calls" times, have become together times with a chatty girl standing by my knee. Its been interesting. I'm all about attachment, but this isn't exactly what I pictured.

The thing is, I don't want to force her out of the room. While I don't quite understand her newly developed fears of our safe home during the light of day, they are still very real to her, and I want to respect that. While I miss her independence, I know it will return and even more so then before. We've had some talks about how she is safe here, how Mama is always nearby and can hear if she needs help, and that she can go from room to room without us, but I know this will take time.

For now we're going day-by-day, and finding the balance of making Gwen feel secure and safe, while still enforcing some personal space during more private moments (we picked a floor tile in the bathroom a safe distance away, and she stands there!). And I know that soon enough I'll get to poop in private again.


Did any of your kids go through a scared phase? What did you find that helped?

* though thankfully not in the comfort of her own bed at night  ::knocks on wood::

They Might Not Listen, but They Always Hear

My eldest son is very spirited and he is challenged by having my temper coupled with a strong desire to throw things especially when he is angry. He's been like this since he was eight months old. In the over three years since then, I have probably told him not to throw hard, potentially harm causing objects at least seventy two billion times. (Because the impulse to throw is so strong for him, we do have a rule that soft objects [and we have painstakingly determined every object he owns that belongs in that category] may be thrown in the house not at people unless you ask them to "catch" first AND they say yes.)

However, at least once a week, I find myself complaining with my husband after the boys are in bed that he isn't "listening" again when I ask him not to throw.  There are other things I feel like I have to repeatedly ask him not to do and things that I ask him to do that he should probably remember on his own.  All of this is very irritating and disheartening.  There are even times when I wonder if I'm any good at this parenting thing at all. It seems like for every three good moments of gentle parenting I have, I have at least one truly awful one and no matter how many times I get down on his level, look him in the eyes, and provide a brief, age appropriate reason not to throw (or whatever), he still never seems to hear me.

Yet, I know that is not the case because recently, I had a chance to see my little boy demonstrate how much he is always listening in the sweetest way possible. I had laid my six month old on a blanket on the floor in the playroom where my eldest son was playing so I could switch laundry from the washer to the dryer (just one room over through an open floor plan). My youngest started to cry because I was out of his eyesight and my eldest (who has had thoughtful conversations with me about how he is really uncomfortable when the baby cries and how he doesn't like it) immediately jumped into action.  He sat down next to his brother and took him in his arms and started murmuring to him, "It's alright little one, your brother is here and mama will be here soon.  I love you little baby. Don't be afraid. Don't you know you're not alone? Mama and me are always here for you.  I know it's scary, but I'll take care of you. I'll stay right by you until mama comes."

These were paraphrases of the same words I have said to him and the baby any time they have started crying in the middle of the night or day and he used them and demonstrated extra tenderness by holding his brother in spite of being admittedly frustrated when he hears his baby brother cry.  He had somehow picked up empathy and kindness from my example without me even knowing I was teaching it! I teared up on the spot, stepped out of the doorway I had been peeking around, and took both boys in my arms and told them exactly how proud I am of the love and empathy they are showing one another.  

I also decided right then and there that while the little day to day lessons I keep repeating don't always seem to be sinking in, at least I'm getting some of the big stuff right. After all, the chances of him growing up and continuing to chuck random stuff at and around people is probably pretty slim, but the chance he'll need to use empathy is pretty high. 

So, take heart, mamas, even if your kids never seem to listen, they are still hearing how you interact with them and they are learning from that who you think they are and should be.

Thanks for reading!

Shawna

 

parenting the child you have

When Gwen was a baby, I remember wishing that she came with some warning lights and maybe an LCD panel that told you exactly what combo of things would work today. Warning: tired baby. Use sleep sack plus fan plus white noise and hold an extra 5 minutes. Warning: just fussing in sleep. Leave her be! It was an interesting juggling act, trying to figure out what would make my girl happy.

Babies don't come with warning lights though. Nor do they have owners manuals. But you do figure it out. Eventually I realize that if I trusted my intuition and really listened to her, I could start to "read" her cries. I could tell the difference between a cry that meant she needed something, and one that was just a sleep whimper (aka. leave her alone or you'll wake her more!).

Every mother has to learn to use her intuition. We all seek advice at some point, and commiseration often. That's why blogs such as this one exist: a place for like mined Mamas to come together and share some collective knowledge, to share their experiences so that they, and other mamas, can know they not alone. I love these places for that purpose.

This is why I will always ofter advice if someone asks for it: I'm happy to tell you more then you ever wanted to know about breastfeeding, babywearing, baby lead weaning, safe bedsharing, and gentle parenting; not to mention offer copious amounts of commiseration on sleepless nights and strong-willed toddlers. But every baby is different.Which is why I completely understand if you ask for my advice, listen to my advice, digest my advice, then ultimately throw that advice right out the window!

The biggest lesson most mothers go through, no matter what parenting style you use, is learning to parent the child you have. We all form an image in our minds, pre-baby, of what kind of mother we will be. These unique little people though, they have their own ideas. What worked perfectly for others would not have worked for Gwen, and what works perfectly for Gwen would not work for others. That is okay. It says nothing about me as a person and everything about my child as an individual.

For us that looked like full-term breastfeeding and BLW, continuing to babywear, bedsharing for a few months then transferring to a crib where she stayed until 3.5. It means always trying to use our gentle words and gentle voice, giving my child lots of whys, but using time outs if needed when everything is just too much and she can't listen anymore. To others it looks VERY different. That's okay. 

Too often mothers pit themselves against one another for the "right way" to do things. Even within communities, even within the Attachment Parent community, there are debates about what makes you AP enough, who's doing it the right way. But my ultimate advice for the most AP thing you can do when parenting? Listen to your baby, listen to your heart, and not to anyone else. Parent YOUR baby.

Forget Earth and Health Conscious! I'm Lazy!

Maybe I'm a bit punchy, but I realized many of the things I do that people think are for good reasons are really because I'm lazy. Enjoy!

1. Breast feeding and natural weaning

Professed Reason:

Best for baby and me, miracle food, a million health benefits, duct tape of motherhood, blah blah blah

Lazy Reason:

Breastfeeding for the first six-ten weeks is hard work and can be very difficult, but if you can keep going out of the newborn period it gets a lot easier, like way easier than bottle feeding. Sure I don't go far from my nursling when I can help it, but that just means I have no period and he's over six months old. Last time it stayed away until my eldest son was over two years old. Think about that! Two extra years without a period AFTER giving birth. Likewise, I don't have to run to the store for formula, no buying bottles, nipples, etc., and no doing extra bottle dishes!  When weaning happens on the nursling's terms there are less tears and struggle, too.

2. Co-sleeping

Professed reason: 

Bonding with baby, ease of nursing, and other sleeping benefits.

Lazy reason: I am too lazy to run to the nursery all the way across the house for every single infant wake up.  I tried it with my eldest and I am too tired for that crap. Besides, I get more sleep and so does the baby if we don't have to wake up fully to start nursing. Insert boob in baby mouth half asleep and we both drift off while nursing. Voila! Baby fed and mama gets as much sleep as possible. Bonus: I don't have to play the "is the baby asleep enough to be put back in the crib thing" every single wake up and I have sweet baby snuggles nightly.

3. Cloth diapers

Professed Reason:

Better for baby's skin, better for the environment, and they save you, literally, thousands of dollars.

Lazy reason: 

Since I'm avoiding the store by not running out for formula all the time, I'm certainly not going to run out for diapers! Also, I clean diapers about every other day which means I'm only doing three extra loads a week in addition to the fifteen million loads I'm already doing as a mom of a four year old and a six month old. Additionally, between not having formula cans or diapers and diaper boxes to throw away, I don't have any extra trash to take out. Good for the environment? Perhaps. One less thing I have to do all the time? Definitely. Besides, cloth diapers are really freaking cute.

4. Homemade baby food/baby led weaning

Professed reason:

Baby is fully ready for solids and baby gets best, freshest foods.

Lazy reason:

Look, I think it's clear I'm not crazy about shopping for things other than books, cloth diapers, kids clothes, good foods, and sweets that fit around my sons' dietary restrictions. I buy darn good, healthy food for my family in general and I don't like wasting more time or money buying separate food for our tiniest, less pickiest family member. So, I plan to steam vegetables to go with dinner for everyone and then purée or tiny chop them for the baby. Voila! Baby is just a tiny member of the same dinner as everyone else and I have less glass bottle recycling to do.

5. Homemade cleaners

Professed reason:

Better for general health and less exposure to chemicals.

Lazy reason: 

I can buy baking soda, distilled white vinegar, borax, oxyclean free and clear, Castile soap and blue dawn in bulk and clean everything from the toilet to my baby for months. Throw in coconut oil and my shopping other than for strictly foods to eat is pretty much done, and half of these cleaning products I can also use IN DINNER if I need to!  Meanwhile, I almost never have to use my inhaler to clean the bathroom or the kitchen anymore AND I am not really worried if the children get under the bathroom sink and break into the vinegar and baking soda.

So, there you have it! I am not an earth goddess busting my butt to save Mother Earth and enslaving myself to my children, I'm really a proponent of "work smarter not harder," now if you'll excuse me I have cloth diapers to fold with my four year old while eating organic "you pick" apples and watching "Downton Abbey" while I'm wearing my baby to sleep.

Thanks for reading, 

Shawna