When You Don't Homeschool...

... can you still hold tight to your ideals? Can you raise unconventional children in a conventional environment, in this case that being public school?

Well, I certainly hope so. That is, I'm working on it.

Overall, I love the public school my kids attend. There are various issues, some being school-wide, and others being city-wide (and thus harder to take on--not that I'm not trying!), as there are in any school, but so far we've been very fortunate and my two older children have had largely positive experiences.

As a family, we do some things differently than many of the families in our neighborhood. As a member of the "natural parenting" community, I see a great deal of blog posts and articles all about homeschooling and its benefits. I know them well, as I homeschooled my son before he attended Pre-K. My husband and I both value public school education, and we like the fact that our children have other authority and mentoring figures in their lives--we think of it as part of the "it takes a village" mentality.

Since I don't currently homeschool, I've often wished that I could find resources on how to continue to parent the way we do while our kids are in an environment that is, at times, very different, if not completely opposite from the one at home. After three years of parenting children receiving public school education under my belt, I've made some discoveries on what works for us and I'd love to share them with you.

First and foremost, know your child. I have two typical, active, social children, and neither of them require any special services. They are adaptable and adjust quickly to change, and they are not intimidated by the size of the school, nor the number of students (1400! Though I have to say it doesn't really feel that way). Our school is a good fit for them. Children's needs vary. Some may flourish with a busy, active pace, while some may need a smaller, quieter environment. Don't automatically rule out a large school, but don't assume your child will adjust, either. If you are a free range parent, be aware that children in typical public school are expected to line up, sit down, stand up, and the like, pretty much by the end of Kindergarten (it's really not that bad. But again, it's all about your child, and your personal beliefs about learning and teaching).

Make friends. With your child's teacher, that is. We all hear teacher horror stories, but in my experience, the vast majority of educators are wonderful people who care about children and like (if not love) their job. One of the best things I've done for my kids has been to get to know their teachers. I keep up correspondence in whatever way is appropriate and accepted, and keep the lines of communication open. Since I sometimes have requests or questions that most other parents do not, being friendly is a must. If a teacher goes above and beyond to work with my child, I make sure he/she knows I appreciate the extra attention. And if my children are involved in a discipline issue, I make sure I am receptive and not defensive. Nothing turns a teacher off more than a defensive parent who seems unwilling to listen to constructive feedback.

Get involved. Admittedly, this can be difficult, if not impossible, if both parents work. I have to say, though, there is no better way to find out what's happening in your child's school, and in their classroom, than investing some time there, no matter how minimal it is. Parent teacher conferences are a great way to start, as are curriculum days and any open classroom days that your school might have.

I am on our school's PTA and it is absolutely invaluable for me and my children. I am in the building several times a week and have gotten to know the administration, as well. This gives me the opportunity to bring to light issues that I would like the school to work on, and allows me to even tackle some of them along with a wonderful group of parents who are also devoted members of the PTA. It's a sincere privilege. If joining the PTA or volunteering time seems impossible, start an email list with other parents in your child's class, and keep communication going that way. Other parents are a great resource. I have gotten much useful information just chatting at pick-up.

Unless the school has a food co-op or a kitchen that makes fresh meals, make your kids' lunch. The NYC Department of Education tries, goodness knows--but the meals are still not things I would feed my children on a regular basis. For one, they are not prepared on site, and they are mass-produced. There is a huge healthy eating initiative going on right now, and though I appreciate the effort, that food cannot possibly compare to what I make at home. With all the focus we put on healthy, organic food, it would be impossible to accept school lunch for my children.

Don't let school supply lists or teacher requests intimidate you. When my son was in Kindergarten, it was requested that we send his snack and lunch in brown paper bags and ziplock bags. I sent a note kindly explaining that as we were trying to reduce waste in our household, all of the containers and bags we sent our son to school with were reusable, and were not to be thrown away (and this will certainly be the case for my daughters, as well). LunchBots, KidsKonserve and LunchSkins are all companies that sell reusable lunch supplies.

Each year's school supply list requests Purell sanitizer, a conventional cleaning spray, and Huggies baby wipes, and I stubbornly send in BabyGanics hand sanitizer and Seventh Generation cleaner and wipes. I'm thisclose to sending in a homemade cleaner, next!

Choose your battles wisely, and fight fervently. There are certain things, like slowing the curriculum pace or shortening the school day, that are pipe dreams, and I've learned that it's best to focus on things that are feasible for the school to change or improve, like amount of physical activity the children receive, activities and fundraisers to promote spirit and unity, and various other concerns where a solution seems attainable. This isn't to say that the big fights shouldn't be fought, though. Just this past year our school won a huge battle with the Department of Education, and it was one of our community's finest moments.

Don't let your child become another brick in the wall. Our school makes a great effort to make its students feel attended to and looked after. I've never been made to feel like my child is just one among the crowd. At the same time, there is a certain amount of group activity inside the classroom and out, and there are certain expectations that are placed on the children in terms of following directions and receiving instruction (if only for safety and the sheer mass of children going anywhere at a given time. Lunch periods boast over 400 kids in one space). As long as the children are treated respectfully and are given positive reinforcement, I don't take issue with that. Here is something I'm attempting to tackle: the lunch aides in particular leave a lot to be desired in terms of how they approach the children. My goal is to meet with the principal and talk about giving the aides further tools to positively discipline the kids without incessant yelling or unreasonable punishment.

When it comes to the instruction your child receives in the classroom, be as involved as you can with the teacher to find an approach that works for your child, the teacher, and the class as a whole. Whatever the concern is in your school, be it academic or otherwise, speak up and make your voice be heard. You are your child's best advocate. Don't assume anyone else will fight for him/her.

Stay strong--you and your children both. We are living in an age where seemingly every person in civilized society has a gadget and/or is on some type of social networking site. I share a fair amount online and I have a love/hate relationship with social networking, and I don't think it's appropriate for my children. My eight year old son asked me what Facebook was the other day. As I explained it to him I made sure he understood that in our family, at least, that kind of activity is reserved for adults. He also asked me when he would be able to get an iPhone (my answer was, when he's old enough to work and pay for it himself. Same for my girls. That's just the way the cookie crumbles). It's worth noting that many people we are close to and care about make different choices for their kids when it comes to this, so it's important that I reserve criticism and not come from a place of judgment, rather point out that these are our family's choices and what we believe is acceptable.

Along the same lines, my kids will ask for certain food, toys or activities that they see other children getting or engaging in. Once again, I do my best to reserve criticism--even more so since we talk a lot about people being created different, but equal. I have to accept that as many positive things as my kids are being exposed to, there is plenty of negative exposure, as well. and  I simply explain our family's beliefs and reiterate why we choose to live the way we do and consume what we do. It gets harder as our children get older, especially as they approach the age where insecurity sets in, and they just want to be liked. Going against the grain gets tougher and tougher. To that end, I try and instill in my kids a strong sense of self. I want them to be independent, confident and steadfast in who they are--and of course, that starts with me.

Come September, I will have two kids in school all day, with only my little one left at home to brainwash—er, parent and teach. My hope is that all my children will take with them the good lessons and learn to ignore the bad.

A Person's a Person, No Matter How Small

“There is no justification in human nature for treating children, from birth, with any less respect or equality than that accorded to older people. Children are people, fully and without qualification.” –Daniel Greenburg, author

I remember one of the first times I realized that my son was more than just an extension of myself. He had started pre-K and his teacher described to me an incident where he was holding on to a little boy’s arm and wouldn’t let go, despite the other child’s tearful protests.

I was a helicopter parent for much of my son’s first few years (sorry, kiddo!) so I knew that I certainly didn’t teach him to grab other kids. I was both amazed and somewhat embarrassed that my child clearly had a mind of his own and did what he wanted, completely separate from me and beyond my control. It took time and lots of practice to not become irate every time I got a report from a teacher that deviated from what I thought I had drilled into my child’s head and what I assumed he would do—because, after all, I told him to do it!

Now that he’s older, the things that come out of my son’s mouth are sometimes brilliant, other times side-splitting funny, and occasionally, because he is a human being, and a small one at that, can be inappropriate, and even hurtful. As stunning and jarring as that can be, I’ve come to terms with it. He lives in his own world and I feel lucky to be able to be a part of it, alternately conversing with him, laughing with him, and correcting him. My husband and I are enjoying my daughter’s emerging commentary and sense of humor immensely, and know that she’s well on her way to letting us in on her own world as well.

If there is one aspect of my parenting that I can say has most definitely evolved, it’s realizing that children are their own people. From the time they were very small, my children have had their own feelings and thoughts, and as they’ve gotten older, those have turned into very real ideas, opinions, and even values—and there is a good chance that many of them are, or will be, different from my own. Even though my kids are only seven and three, they have made their likes and dislikes very clear. Their interests vary and they have mood swings and many different emotions, just as adults do. Even my newborn is able to communicate her likes and dislikes quite clearly.

Well, duh, you may be saying. Obviously children are their own people. Obviously their needs have to be met and respected, just as any adult’s needs would. But you know what I’ve noticed lately? The rest of society doesn’t seem to agree. From families being kicked out of airplanes, to kids being banned from restaurants, to shaming of breastfeeding mothers, to stores and eateries having “no stroller” policies—I’m starting to get the feeling that many people are anti-kid.

First of all, I’d like to say that obviously, not every moment spent with our kids, or around other people’s kids, is a joy. They cry, they scream, they poop, they puke—and often at the worst times. I know what it’s like to be in front of a toddler kicking my seat at the movies, I understand wanting to eat a meal without a screaming child next to you, and I definitely would not choose to be seated in an airplane with an unhappy child for an extended period of time.

My problem is the fact that children are discriminated against. They are treated like second-class citizens, and people seem to be completely comfortable with that. For example, which of the following criteria would make it okay to ban a human being from a restaurant? Could it be someone’s race, religion, gender, weight, sexual orientation?

None of those would be acceptable. Yet children are increasingly being treated this way, simply because they are small and helpless. And often the parents are blamed, for not being able to “control” their children. Oh, how I despise that word! Parenting is not about control. It is about teaching and guidance. Any time I try to control my children, I regret it, and I fail miserably.

It’s especially difficult when the only reason I am trying to exert control over my kids is because I fear someone else’s judgment. I resent society’s judgment of my children and how I parent them because in the past, it’s caused me to react more strongly and more angrily than I would have if I didn’t feel like all eyes were on me—whether it be at the checkout line, or at an eatery, or at a coffee shop. I have to make a concerted effort to ignore those people and stay calm, because ultimately, this is about myself and my children, and the relationship and communication I’m trying to establish and nurture with them. Worse yet, my children always pick up on my anxiety and it causes them grief, as well.

What amuses me (and alternately puzzles me) is people’s seeming intolerance for children while simultaneously, adults are allowed to behave in ways that I find rude and unacceptable. No one seems to bat an eye when adults engage in excessively loud conversations, both in person and on cell phones, while sitting at a casual restaurant. Or when the constant chime of texting or game playing or whatever makes it difficult for me to hear what my eating companion is saying. Yet, my three year old daughter makes one loud (and happy!) exclamation, and a dozen heads snap back to look at us as if we are disturbing everyone’s peace. I have to be subjected to strangers’ musical tastes on their ridiculously loud headphones while sitting on the train, yet my fidgety son is looked upon with disdain, as if he is dirtying the environment simply by being there. I’ve seen people clip their nails—clip their nails—on the subway, yet I still get various dirty looks when I get on the train with my active kids or nurse my baby in public.

We were at a restaurant recently where I confronted someone who was very anti-child. Let me be clear—it was Friday, at 6 p.m., at a family restaurant that we frequent, with a kids’ menu, and my kids were perfectly well-behaved. This patron and his friends not only chose to sit at the table right next to ours instead of choosing one of the dozen or so other empty tables in the place, the man then proceeded to make a comment about not wanting to sit by my daughter because children make “weird noises in restaurants.” As if that wasn’t bad enough, later in their meal, the two other people he was with used our family as an example to discuss what their parents did with them as kids when they went to restaurants. They were inches away from us. Not only was this conversation audible to myself and my husband, but my children, as well.

If we had a child that was disabled, or one of us had some other type of unusual physical trait or ailment, would it have been acceptable for those patrons to discuss that, even if it wasn’t directed at our family? Would it have been acceptable for them to have a discussion based on our race, weight, hair color, what we were eating?

No. No, it would not have been acceptable. Yet these folks decided it was fine for them to discuss children, loudly enough so that those children could hear them, because, well, children don’t matter.

I don’t think so.

I kept my calm and confronted the rude patrons, made sure my children heard me, and then explained to my son on the way home why what that man and his friends did was unacceptable.

I wonder if people forget that they were once kids, too. If we expect kids to learn proper public behavior and become successful adults, then we have to allow some margin for error. There is no magical age that children come to when they suddenly sit up, sit still, and stop playing with their food. There’s no certificate that comes with turning 18 that says, “Congratulations! You’re now a contributing member of society!”

Sure, kids go through phases, and as parents, we are responsible for recognizing what situations have the potential to be disastrous and avoid them—but for ourselves and our children first and foremost! When my daughter is throwing a tantrum, I’m not concerned with the comfort level of the person behind me. I’m stressed out and concerned about my child, why she’s screaming, and trying to find a way to get through it. When my son drops his fork repeatedly while eating, my first thought is not about how disturbed the person next to him is. I’m thinking that we’ve run out of clean forks and he’s starving and where is that darn waiter? I lament about the fact that my meal is stone cold because I have spent the last 10 minutes rescuing my son’s utensils. When my newborn is crying, I’m not going to worry about offending the person next to me if I flash a nipple as I nurse her.

And we’re going to make mistakes. Sometimes we’ll go to a place that’s not entirely appropriate for families, and maybe our kids will be overtired and cranky and maybe they will act out as a result. We may get on a plane after waiting three hours for a delayed flight, where we’ve run out of snacks and activities and one of our kids may need to fuss for 15 minutes until she falls asleep. Sometimes, my child may have a coughing fit while sitting next to you, and you may be inconvenienced or even grossed out. Society has to allow for those types of situations.

We talk so much about tolerance and acceptance, but when it comes down to it, we don’t practice what we preach. Children are human beings—little, un-evolved, clean slates. I take joy in showing my children the world and teaching them about all it has to offer. I don’t want them to be looked down upon, disrespected, or undervalued simply because they are little.

“Because, after all,

 A person’s a person, no matter how small.” –Dr. Seuss

Do You Want Obedient Children?

The term obedience makes me a little squeamish. I don't want to raise obedient children. Before you get into a lather, let me clarify: What I am talking about is the idea of first time, every time obedience as a parenting goal. I'm not saying I never pull the Momma Card . . . it happens. Of course I protect my children from danger and of course I want my children to listen to me . . . but within the context of a mutual respectful relationship.

What I take issue with is the culturally constructed concept of obedience. Even for—make that especially for—young children. The idea of first-time, unquestioning submission. (Because I'm the parent. Because I said so. Do this or else.) The thought that we must "demand" respect from our children and anything less means they are running the show. (Guess what? If you must demand it, you ain't got it.) The crazy notion that our job as parents is to prepare our children for future disappointments (life isn't fair!) by making sure we tell them no and not waiver (because otherwise surely they will end up as entitled, spoiled brats.) The belief that obeying your parents wishes equates to obeying the will of God.

Not that some days it wouldn't be nice (in the short term, anyway) if I had more compliant offspring. But I know that's not my long-term objective. I don't want blindly obedient children. I would never expect or desire my Agents to sheepishly do what I say simply because I (or someone else) told them to. I do not want them to listen to me only because they fear me. (And face it, most "obedience" in young children is really fear of consequences.) I want them to be able to question things they don't understand or disagree with.

(I also cannot help but wonder: What happens as an obedient child grows? Do they continue to do as others tell them out of "obedience and respect for authority"? Because I'm sure that whole blind obedience thing works out swimmingly when children confront peer pressure. Or become the target of a bully. Or cross paths with, oh, a pedophile.)

So what do I wish for my darlings if not to comply, obey, and contort their wills to my mine? 

As a parent, I want to have a positive, secure, loving relationship with my children. I want to be an example for them to emulate. I want them to grow into compassionate, open-minded, loving, confident, kind individuals. I want my children to be grace-full. Nope, that's not a typo. I don't mean graceful in the elegant ballet dancer sense, I mean full of grace . . . to know that they (and others) deserve grace. I want them to know about second chances. I want my children to listen to me not out of fear, but because they have genuine respect for my guidance. When I hear my children speak to my grandchildren, and think oh that sounds just like me, I want to be smiling, not cringing.

Looking for inspiration? Food for thought from some of my favorite writers:

Is Obedience the Goal? from The Hippie Housewife

I Will Not Obey from Teacher Tom

Obedience does not equal respect from Aunt Annie's Childcare

What about you? What traits do you hope to instill in your children? Is obedience one of them?

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.