When Life Gets in the Way of Living

I had a relatively simple childhood. My days were spent playing on my own—in the warm months, creating magical gardens and befriending neighborhood cats, running amok in our backyard, playing with dirt; with sticks; collecting leaves and always promising myself that I’d dry them and keep them in a book (I never did). In the colder months, I spent my time imagining worlds for my Barbie dolls to live in, I read, and I played with my older sister.

There were no such things as dance classes, gymnastics, swimming, or karate for me. We never went on play dates, and my mom never had any other “mom friends” over. That said, I had a stress free, easy-going, blissful childhood. I never worried about being anywhere besides school—I never had a weekly schedule with anything on it other than homework. And I have no complaints.

Oh, how times have changed. As my kids get older and more active, I find myself trying to come up with ways to occupy their time. Don’t get me wrong—we have plenty of fun on our own. But, there are only so many ways we can dress up, only so many books we can read, puzzles we can make, crafts we can create, cupcakes and cookies we can bake; canvases we can paint; play dough we can concoct. We watch TV, but I dislike simply sticking my kids in front of it for the duration of the cold months; and they, and I, need social interaction.

So, we take classes. Lots and lots of classes. Art, guitar, and baseball for my son; dance, animal/nature, art and piano for my daughter. I swore I would never become one of those “We have to go to _____ class today” moms, but I have (oh, and by the way, I could write a book listing all the things I said I or my kids would “never” do).

My husband and I agreed that if any of our kids showed an interest or any affinity for something, we would jump right on it and encourage them in every way possible. We’ve stuck to that, and I’m so happy and grateful that we’ve been able to hone in on my son’s interests and have figured out what makes him “tick” to some extent. He is so happy with art and music; and his dad is coaching him in baseball, which is such an amazing opportunity for the two of them. My daughter is pretty easygoing when it comes to activities, but her interests are clear and she absolutely adores being out and about and enjoys each of her classes. We’ve tried out activities that have turned out to be duds now and again, but I definitely feel that each instance has taught us something.

I do, however, find this way of life somewhat challenging—more accurately, I find keeping the balance between work and play to be a constant worry, and something I have to be acutely conscious of. Being this busy is a slippery slope, and one can quickly forget to stop and smell the roses, watch the leaves turn, watch the snow fall. To take pleasure in simply being—in each day, in each breath. To not let life get in the way of living.

Do I want the type of life where I drive my minivan frantically from place to place, dropping off one kid here and one there? There will come a time when my kids’ day is structured and scheduled to the hour. There will be days when they want to play but will have to do homework instead (in fact, as the weather gets warmer, those days are rapidly approaching). There will be a day when, no matter how much my son loves Little League, he will want to sleep in instead of waking up for 7 a.m. practice on a Saturday. There are days already when my daughter wakes up grumpy, yet we still drag ourselves to music class because we’ve committed to it.

A few months ago I lightened the load of responsibilities that were causing me stress and anxiety but were bringing me little, if any, pleasure. I re-evaluated much of what I was doing with my family and decided we had to get rid of whatever was not making us truly happy. I enjoy being engaged and active in my life; but as they say, life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans—and I don’t want to let mine pass me by.

If living my life is causing me grief, if the day-to-day activities with my children stress me out to the point where I lose my mind, don’t I need to step back and re-evaluate? And do I really want my kids harried and stressed out over missing a class, a playdate, or being late? My sweetest daydreams of spending time with my family include cozy mornings making waffles; hot cocoa by the tree on Christmas day; stopping to jump into a pile of fall leaves while walking through the park; playing catch with the dog; sleeping in; and not doing anything at all.

And yet, I also see myself being buried under sports/music/art equipment. We do schedule activities and go to games, recitals, and exhibitions—and they are a joy. I do see my kids in sports uniforms, holding clarinets, covered in paint. I want our children to do what they love, and love what they do. I them to feel happy, safe, and secure, and know that their home is their haven, the place they can always come back to. I also want them to cultivate their interests, live a full life, and make the most of each day.

Nowhere in my daydreams do I see myself running ragged for anything; being so stressed out over the amount of items on my calendar that I lose my mind. However, despite my best intentions, I do run ragged, run late, and feel like a hamster in a wheel at times. Those are the times that I have taught myself to step back, breathe deep, and evaluate. Whatever is not truly important gets purged.

What difference does it make if my calendar is full but I’m so busy I don’t know what day of the week it is? And if I fill the little boxes in with constant activities, where is the space for fun, for exploration, for time just spent together? What’s the point of “getting everything done” if I’ve lost my temper and yelled at my kids and my spouse?

Years ago, I used to look at my life from the outside—like a picture, I wanted it to look perfect, pretty, and well organized. Now, I remind myself to live my life on the inside—realizing that the picture many not always look perfect, but knowing that what I fill the blanks in with is important.

So far, my boxes are full of the things we enjoy, while leaving space for us to breathe, have fun, and simply live. And I’ve discovered that what may look empty from the outside is more fulfilling than any pretty picture. 

Circle+Bloom's Natural Cycle for Fertility

Having tried to get and stay pregnant for three years, I had tried things all over the map.  From charting to not charting, from relaxation to actually trying, from acupuncture to seeing a doctor and having 8 ultrasounds in 8 weeks.  My energy has gotten better with different things, but nothing has had that "edge" that I have been looking for.  Nothing was really working to keep me pregnant.  And the stress of it was getting worse every cycle.

A few of my friends in the infertility circle had tried Circle+Bloom's meditation tracks and absolutely raved about them.  A few got pregnant and stayed pregnant, a few didn't but still swore by the program.

I was at the point where it didn't matter what I would try, I wasn't so much trying to get pregnant, but relax and release the stress I was building up with each day and cycle that passed.

Circle+Bloom has been absolutely amazing and sent me the download to their Natural Cycle for Fertility Program.  I was already on cycle day 19, but that didn't matter.  Their tracks are made so you can listen to and start on the day you are on, you don't have to wait for a new cycle, which is a huge plus since you never know when you need to start listening and waiting for another cycle can be stressful in and of itself.

The first time I listened to one of the tracks, my best friend and I were at acupuncture.  I put the track on my Kindle and made it loud enough for both of us to listen since she is trying to get pregnant also, and I wanted her opinion on it.

The beginning of all the tracks start with relaxing.  I am still amazed, even after doing this for 5 days, that I can get to such an incredible state of relaxation within minutes.  Except that first day, I have done them all right before bed so I can relax the day away and get ready to fall asleep.  Each track is about 15 minutes long, so enough time to relax without staying up too late, and then because you are so relaxed, it is easy to shut off the track and fall asleep.

I have a lot of trouble trusting my body after what I have been through, and the day 19 track talked about how negative thoughts and feelings won't hurt your baby, but keeping those thoughts and feelings in will cause stress which isn't good for trying to get pregnant and while pregnant.  Everyone always tells me to think positively, and to let go of the negative energy, which is great advice, but after six losses and three years of trying, it is so much harder to do than they believe.  Having a mind body connection knowing that my negative thoughts on my body won't hurt the growing egg was absolutely invaluable.  It was so refreshing to know that it is okay to be worried and scared.

Another one of the best days was one completely concentrated on my circulatory system and getting fresh oxygenated blood to my uterus and growing baby.  When you concentrate on certain parts of your body, you can feel them getting stronger, and for myself, they feel energized.

For fifteen minutes a day, I was able to relax deeply, focus just on myself, and work with my body rather than against it.  I was able to feel focused and exhilarated after just the fifteen minutes.

I'm still in the two week wait, but already this cycle is so much different than the others.  I am more relaxed, I am listening to my body more, and I am able to let the stresses wash away better.  I am still worried about getting and staying pregnant, but that is something that I need to work on for more than 15 minutes a day, and slowly I am getting there.  I do think that the meditation tracks are working, and that in and of itself is huge.  I have a lot of fear to let go of, and anything that helps is amazing in my book.

This program is $59.00 for the download right to your computer, and $69.00 for the CDs sent to you.  It does feel a little bit pricey, but considering how much money a lot of people spend on Ovulation Prediction Tests, Pregnancy Tests, and other trying to conceive products, this is just one more expense, and one I believe is so much more worth it than other things you can buy.

There is nothing like the feeling you will get when you listen to this program, and the relaxation is just one part.  The Mind-Body connection is so powerful and using that while trying to get pregnant can be invaluable.

I received the Circle+Bloom Natural Cycle for Fertility Program to review, no other compensation was given, and the views expressed are my own.