The Labor Support Battle

The one thing I always hear when I recommend a woman hire a doula is, “Why can’t my husband just do it?” And from the men, “If there is a doula there, I won’t be needed, so why should I even go?”

Men are very protective by nature. They protect their wives, provide for their wives, are there for their wives, all because they love and support her. When a woman comes along saying a woman should get a doula for support during her labor, it can be a threat to the husband’s masculinity and protective nature. If he can’t protect and support his wife, what role does he truly play?

The couple has probably taken childbirth classes, and feel decently prepared for labor and birth.

The one problem: Neither person has been present at birth before (this is the majority, a few have actually attended and helped a births before they themselves have children).

No matter how much you prepare, the woman will more than likely be completely centered inward and trying to work through her labor and won’t remember much from the classes. Her body will instinctively tell her what positions work and what don’t by decreasing her pain, but she will still be in some level of discomfort.

What husband do you know isn’t concerned when his wife is in pain? What husband would be completely okay with seeing their wife in the most discomfort she has been in in her entire life, and working harder than she has ever worked? I know very few that are completely level-headed when their wives are in pain. Even if they truly want to help, sometimes their protective nature overcomes their logic and they try to control the problem rather than work with it.

Another problem is that when you are in the heat of the moment, you forget the important things. In labor, you are tired, hungry, and worried. The husband forgets what positions are good for labor and pushing, what things help with pain relief, what can truly help their wives or partners get through labor and birth the way they want to.

In addition to forgetting this, what partner truly knows the ins and outs of every intervention and pain medication that a doctor would advise so as to make an informed decision with the laboring woman?

There is truly a difference between preparing for labor and truly experiencing labor. You do not know how your contractions will feel or what will help you the most. It is a completely new sphere.

With that being said, a doula is not there just to help the mother cope with her labor. The doula is also there to help the partner or husband so that he is able to completely help his wife or partner in the way that is best suited to him.

A doula can help a husband by:

1. Reaffirming that labor truly is normal. The body does an incredible amount of work during labor and delivery. The uterus contracts at amazing strengths to dilate and push a baby out. If you have never experienced labor before, the strength and power of the contractions can quickly overcome anyone and have them wonder if this truly is normal. A doula makes sure the couple knows that this truly is a normal, natural body function and also recognizes when things truly do get out of hand.

2. Helping keep the privacy of the room during labor by dealing with the hospital staff. In the hospital, most nurses and doctors will not knock before entering a room. Imagine you are in the bathroom at your house and someone you probably do not know just walks in in the middle of you having a bowel movement. You would be very embarrassed and most likely unable to finish while they are there. It is the same during labor. If you are interrupted during this process, it can slow or stop completely. Another issue is nurses or doctors trying to talk to a laboring woman during a contraction, whether it is just beginning or just ending it is still distracting. If you lose your concentration during a contraction, it is incredibly hard getting it back. The doula can occupy the nurse’s or doctor’s time during the contraction so the woman isn’t interrupted (and the husband can help without worrying about the nurse or doctor) and after they can discuss the options the nurse or doctor came to talk about.

3. Showing how best he can support the mother. A husband wants to help his wife, but sometimes gets stuck wondering which comfort measure can help his wife during her stage of labor. A doula, being trained in comfort measures during labor, can show the husband how best he can help his wife. This will give the husband confidence he is doing what will help rather than hinder his wife, and know that he is the one truly helping her during her labor.

4. Giving him a break during labor. Labor can last hours or even days. Even if the woman has no interest in eating, the husband still has to keep up his strength, not to mention have sleeping and bathroom breaks every once in awhile. If the woman and husband are the only two there, if he leaves, the woman will be completely alone during her labor, whether it is early labor or transition. If they have a doula with them, the husband can take breaks as needed without worrying if the laboring woman will be alone.

5. Providing truly trained “labor sitting”. Before labor and delivery moved to the hospital, doctors and midwives provided support through all of labor, not just during the last few pushes of labor. This practice has gone by the wayside so the woman is left with just her and her partner alone in a room with nurses coming every few hours to check on them. A doula provides the labor sitting that has become a forgotten art. Even if the couple has everything under control, the doula can sit by and wait until they are needed. And even if they aren’t needed to help cope with labor, they have read multiple labor and birth books so they can give trained advice and know the risks and benefits of every procedure.

6. Making sure the mother’s wishes are honored. There is a common joke with a lot of obstetricians that if a woman brings a birth plan, she is on the fast track to a cesarean section. Even if this isn’t a joke in your hospital or with your doctor, it is very hard to ‘fight’ for what you want during labor and have your wishes truly honored. A doula can help keep your birth plan. They can peacefully keep your wishes in mind of the doctor and nurses so that they do not unnecessarily do something you did not wish for, and you do not have to fight for it.

7. Knowing many comfort measures that can be used during labor. Since this is their job, they research constantly and know a plethora of comfort techniques. Even if the husband studies thoroughly, he won’t be as invested as a doula. Having a greater knowledge of comfort can only help the laboring woman and her husband.

8. Doulas have an incredible record for keeping down interventions and helping the woman have a better birth experience. The presence of a doula results in:

• Reduced cesarean birth rates by 50%
• Reduced length of labor by 25%
• Reduced use of Oxytocin by 40%
• Reduced requests for pain medication by 30%
• Reduced the rate of Epidural usage by 60%
• Babies had fewer health problems at six weeks than the infants of women who had not had a doula present during labor.
• Babies had fewer neonatal complications
• Babies had fewer workups for sepsis

This just truly stands on its own two feet.

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A doula truly is not there just for the laboring woman. They are hired by the couple, to help the couple meet their baby for the first time the way they want to. Labor and delivery is an intimate time between two people, and a doula can keep that privacy and intimacy so your baby is greeted in the atmosphere best for the family.

Even though I am a doula, I won’t ever labor without one in the future. Knowing what I know about labor and delivery, I would not go into labor without a trained professional at my side.

You hire a professional to do your hair, to install your cable, and to help you ‘deliver’ your baby. Why not hire one to help you through the hardest work you have ever had to do?

When the time comes: The Circumcision Talk

My son is circumcised. Not for a religious reason. Not as the result of an educated decision. My son is circumcised because this is exactly how much thought I gave it:

Scene - Triage room in L&D, 35 weeks pregnant, checking for preterm labor
Nurse: Let's do your preadmission
Me: Ok.......(skip ahead)
Nurse: Do you know the sex?
Me: It's a boy.
Nurse: Will you circumcise?
Me: (looks to Connected Dad)
Connected Dad: Yes

Three weeks later when I finally gave birth, the on-call doctor told me she didn't do circumcisions, but Dr. K loved to do them and would perform it later. They informed me that despite my objection to pacifiers as a nursing mom, they recommended one with a little sugar water to help calm the baby. At the time I was so caught up in the recovery from my c-section and difficulty nursing that I simply agreed. Looking back I wonder what I was thinking! Why would a doctor not do it? Why did they need to pacify my son? Because I was agreeing to mutilate him. There's really no way around it. My son was born beautiful and perfect, and I allowed them to perform unnecessary surgery on him.

Like so many mothers I fell victim to the idea that I wasn't the best person to make the decision, since I didn't have a penis. I was fine with it because I had no experience with intact penises. I can recall every single couple, there were 6, in my childbirth class, all of whom were expecting boys, discussing that circing was the norm. The only thing I read about circumcision, from a baby book I greatly revere from Dr. Sears, advised that if you thought the baby would ever want to be circumcised, it was best to do it at birth than later in life when the procedure was more difficult and painful (recent research undermines this theory, suggesting newborns are much more sensitive to pain). I do remember thinking it's better to do this now that wait. He'll want to look like Daddy. I know somewhere in my subconscious I thought it would be easier if he couldn't remember. How unfeeling of me! He still experienced the pain and fear. And like most mothers, I did not attend my son's circumcision. Having seen photos now of the procedure and read more about it, I can only imagine how my maternal instinct would have overcome me. I suppose if they let moms attend it, they wouldn't perform many circumcisions once mom saw this:Photo credit peaceful parenting

When we were expecting Connected Daughter, I tentatively brought up circumcision to Connected Dad. I knew I would not allow another boy to be circumcised and was concerned that he might be upset. After all, I had left the initial decision up to him. Instead he agreed. He'd read about circumcision in a book and was horrified that he'd agreed to let Connected Son be circumcised.

And all of this leads up to what I mean when I say someday we will have the circumcision talk. I have no idea how it will come up. But someday I will apologize to my son for circumcising him, and I will explain to him that he was born perfectly healthy and I made a decision that was not my place to make. There are those that would laugh at this I'm sure, but my motivation is not to alleviate my guilt or traumatize my son, it's to stress the importance of leaving his own sons intact. I imagine the conversation may occur if we are blessed with another son in the future. I have no qualms about leaving that son intact. I'm not hung-up on a future son looking like his brother or father. Instead it will be a chance for me to admit my own mistake and stress to my children the importance of making educated decisions about parenting and birth. If I had been informed, I never would have agreed to circumcision.

Now I could list all the medical reasons why circumcision is not only unnecessary but dangerous. I could share with you the horrible statistics of infant boys who die, are seriously injured, or become ill from an unnecessary procedure. But I won't. If you need to read statistics or hear more stories, Peaceful Parenting has put together a tremendous resource list of books, articles, and websites with accurate information for parents. You can view it here.

In the end it all comes down to one thing - leaving your son intact is a matter of ethical integrity. Americans are horrified by the practice of female genital mutilation in other cultures. Amnesty International has spoken out against it. Yet, circumcision is an accepted medical practice in the U.S. If we can be honest with ourselves, it is no different than female genital mutilation. Regardless of whether you circumcised your son, like I did, or left them intact, it's time to accept that reality and demand an end to a procedure that is dangerous, medically unnecessary, and psychologically traumatic. We cannot hide behind the guise of tradition. And if that's not enough to convince you, imagine being strapped down, days old, and having the most sensitive area of your body partially removed by a knife. Could you do that to your child?

Sunday Surf!

Here are some of the great posts I came across this week.  Many thanks to Connected Mom Julian for helping me with this list!

From Julian: I think she is doing such an amazing job addressing the myths and misconceptions of extended breastfeeding and providing genuine, fact based, and honest answers to questions many have about the practice. She's just posted #4 in the series and plans to continue.  Extended Breastfeeding Myth #4: A Boys Sexuality from Mommypatomus

Also from Julian: Second is Hobo Mama's post about manners, it was really informative and got me thinking about the manners I model to Oliver:  Dropping the "say" please script

A friend of mine shared this enlightening look at the state of education in American society.  I thoroughly agree:  Anti-Intellectualism and Public Views of Education and Inquiry

Nursing Freedom is offering awesome state specific breastfeeding law cards.  A great gift for baby showers or your own bag, and the proceeds help defray the cost of running Nursing Freedom!
I'm pretty behind on blogs right now, but I really wanted to share these great resources!

Reading Group is moving to Facebook!

Do you enjoy our daily readings? Then make sure you join our Facebook page, because starting Monday the 19th, I will be posting the daily readings on our fan page!

To become our Facebook friend just click here.

Save the Planet: Nurse in Public - Guest Post at Nursing Freedom

Why is it that every time nursing in public comes up, someone suggests the mom could easily pump and bottle feed as an alternative? I’d bet money that....

To read why nursing in public is the green way to feed baby, check out my full guest post on NursingFreedom.org

Change

My family has experienced a whole lot of change in the last 6 months. We welcomed our second little boy in January, my oldest turned 2 in April, we decided to relocate to another province, then decided to stay where we are for another couple of years, my eldest moved into a big boy bed, we are approaching PLing... Change never ends. I claim to embrace change. I claim that I could pick up and move without hesitation or regret , but in reality, I am really not very good with it. I'm just realizing this. Watching my baby go from a crib to his own bed was incredibly emotional for me. I cried... a lot. My husband took apart the crib, and I intentionally avoided that room until he was done. The change table did me in. I was in the room, and he went to move it, and it struck the nerve. It was too final and I needed a few more minutes to look at a change table in my biggest boys room, because I knew that stage of our life was over. The transition of him turning into a big boy is amazing, rewarding, challenging ... and emotional. They used to say that time flies and I never really *got* it. Now I *get* it. Yesterday my oldest baby, was a little baby. Today, he is a big, perfectly perfect (to me, his biggest fan) temperamental 2 year old. With all of it's rewards, it's change... that thing I am really not good with.

I watch my SIL whisk our niece off to college. 3 babes, two out of the house. She braves the biggest, most proud smile as she poses in front of the college sign with my niece. As a mom, I scream inside with excitement for both of them. As a mom, my heart goes out to my SIL and I wonder if a part of her is falling apart inside. I mean, another one of her babes has now left the nest. She can't protect her from all the ugliness this world holds. She can't fix all of life's troubles with giant hug and a favorite dessert. Now, she has to sit back and watch her baby make mistakes, become an adult and branch off into her own little world. How the heck is she coping?!

I dread the days when my house isn't chaotic. I dread those mornings where I won't wake to warm, red, puffy, little cheeks begging for my smooches. I dread not having those soft, warm arms flinging around me for hugs during tantrums, moments of quiet and in dire times of need. How will I cope? What will my purpose be? Right now, my family is my every thing. I live, breathe and clean for them. My moments of "down time" are spent folding laundry and shampooing carpets. What ever will I do when those demands are no more?

I don't know where my life will be 2 years from now. What I do know, is that in order to get to a new point in life, change is a requirement. Will change ever be a welcomed friend again? Probably not. As exhausting and demanding as my life is right now, I love it. I love that my boys are so innocent and bursting with love and know nothing of the scary, outside world. One day, I too will be forced to climb that ladder of change and whisk my son off to college. I will put on that brave face, just as my SIL has, and I will look forward to that next phase in life. For now, I have to grasp on to every second of my life how it is today, and enjoy my sons pure innocence. I have to appreciate that I now have a big boy who is taking those steps towards a more independent life. Soon, my littlest will be taking steps towards the same goals. Change is constant. I don't know when I will be a fan of change again, but I am forced to accept it for what it is. If I don't, I risk missing out on so much.

~ Tammy, Connected Mom

Starting Your Cloth Diapering Stash

Wow, this is my first post at Connected Mom! I guess I should introduce myself and my family first. I am a WAHM to six little (and not so little!) ones who range in age from 14 years to 7 months. We have previously homeschooled and plan to again, have always co-slept until the kids were ready to move out of my bed into their own, and have worked at becoming more green over the last few years. We have also used cloth diapers for about a year.

Cloth diapering is one of the choices that I have made that has allowed us to reduce our impact on the environment exponentially, but if you are just starting out you may feel overwhelmed by the choices that are out there. I didn't understand pockets, or AIO's until I actually had one in my hand to try out for myself. There are several basic types of diapers, but my advice is to start simple.

Prefolds and covers are super easy to use and care for, so my advice is to start there and then gather different kinds of diapers until you find out which types you prefer. The best thing you can do if you need to find out which diapers you prefer is to buy a sampler or starter pack. They might seem expensive, but they are worth every dollar since you will have one of each type of diaper to try out for yourself. If you are on a budget, like I was, then look for deals on cloth diaper forums and auction sites.

Starting simple is cost effective, too. You can get 2 dozen prefolds and 10 covers for under $200, and these diapers will last for several years or more. Prefolds can also double as dust rags and can be used in the kitchen as a substitute for paper towels after your baby outgrows them, too.

If you know that you want to use another type of diaper, such as pocket diapers, then look for package deals that allow you to save. A 12 pack of cloth diapers is less than $300, and can be used through potty training if you choose a one-sized diaper.

Don't get overwhelmed by trying to stock up too fast. Take your time and try the many different types of cloth diapers out as your budget allows you. In no time, you will have a full stash and will start seeing the savings build up once your stash is complete. I haven't had to buy a diaper in several months, which means more money in my pocket and less trash in a landfill. If you have any questions about starting your stash, feel free to ask.

Reading Group: Parenting "Battles"

Dionna over at Code Name: Mama posted about the phrase choosing your battles today. I think its an insightful post and you should check it out.

One thing I thought was particularly interesting was the insight from Mandy from Living Peacefully with Children about the allegory of war in reference to parenting and the message using terms like "fighting" and "battles" sends. It reminds me of a spontaneous discussion that sprung up recently on a message board about the term "spare the rod." Long story short, it was argued that the rod didn't necessarily mean corporal punishment. Dr. Sears himself gets on on this action in his article on spanking. I'm not sure I agree that this phrase is harmless or misunderstood. How do you interpret it? Words hold a lot of meaning and we often throw them around carelessly oblivious to how they affect others. The Mom who complains about her kids to a friend struggling with infertility. The woman calling herself fat to a friend with an eating disorder. The parent joking about his "brat" of a kid. They're just words to the speaker.

So choose your words carefully. Your words affect others, especially your children.