Change

My family has experienced a whole lot of change in the last 6 months. We welcomed our second little boy in January, my oldest turned 2 in April, we decided to relocate to another province, then decided to stay where we are for another couple of years, my eldest moved into a big boy bed, we are approaching PLing... Change never ends. I claim to embrace change. I claim that I could pick up and move without hesitation or regret , but in reality, I am really not very good with it. I'm just realizing this. Watching my baby go from a crib to his own bed was incredibly emotional for me. I cried... a lot. My husband took apart the crib, and I intentionally avoided that room until he was done. The change table did me in. I was in the room, and he went to move it, and it struck the nerve. It was too final and I needed a few more minutes to look at a change table in my biggest boys room, because I knew that stage of our life was over. The transition of him turning into a big boy is amazing, rewarding, challenging ... and emotional. They used to say that time flies and I never really *got* it. Now I *get* it. Yesterday my oldest baby, was a little baby. Today, he is a big, perfectly perfect (to me, his biggest fan) temperamental 2 year old. With all of it's rewards, it's change... that thing I am really not good with.

I watch my SIL whisk our niece off to college. 3 babes, two out of the house. She braves the biggest, most proud smile as she poses in front of the college sign with my niece. As a mom, I scream inside with excitement for both of them. As a mom, my heart goes out to my SIL and I wonder if a part of her is falling apart inside. I mean, another one of her babes has now left the nest. She can't protect her from all the ugliness this world holds. She can't fix all of life's troubles with giant hug and a favorite dessert. Now, she has to sit back and watch her baby make mistakes, become an adult and branch off into her own little world. How the heck is she coping?!

I dread the days when my house isn't chaotic. I dread those mornings where I won't wake to warm, red, puffy, little cheeks begging for my smooches. I dread not having those soft, warm arms flinging around me for hugs during tantrums, moments of quiet and in dire times of need. How will I cope? What will my purpose be? Right now, my family is my every thing. I live, breathe and clean for them. My moments of "down time" are spent folding laundry and shampooing carpets. What ever will I do when those demands are no more?

I don't know where my life will be 2 years from now. What I do know, is that in order to get to a new point in life, change is a requirement. Will change ever be a welcomed friend again? Probably not. As exhausting and demanding as my life is right now, I love it. I love that my boys are so innocent and bursting with love and know nothing of the scary, outside world. One day, I too will be forced to climb that ladder of change and whisk my son off to college. I will put on that brave face, just as my SIL has, and I will look forward to that next phase in life. For now, I have to grasp on to every second of my life how it is today, and enjoy my sons pure innocence. I have to appreciate that I now have a big boy who is taking those steps towards a more independent life. Soon, my littlest will be taking steps towards the same goals. Change is constant. I don't know when I will be a fan of change again, but I am forced to accept it for what it is. If I don't, I risk missing out on so much.

~ Tammy, Connected Mom