Real Nappies Cloth Diaper Review

I love cloth diapers.  I've saved about a thousand dollars so far, but we also don't buy paper diapers unless we are travelling somewhere, which isn't often.  I have enough diapers for three days, so I wash every three days, though less often recently since she has started potty learning on her own.

We've used cloth diapers since our youngest was born 15 months ago.  I started with covers and prefolds, and as she grew and became mobile at about four months old, pockets with prefolds became our standard.  Nights have always been a struggle for us, since she would sleep on her side or stomach, and by morning she would be sopping wet with leaks and a lot of times end up with the start of a rash.

I received the Real Nappies Cloth Diaper Top Up Pack to review, which has been an incredible addition to our collection.  It came with two Velcro covers and six Indian Cotton prefolds.  My daughter is on the smaller side, just barely over 19 pounds, but their crawler size from 18-31 pounds fits beautifully!

We use these diapers for night wear.  They're bigger than the prefolds we were using, so we don't need to double up anymore, and they are so absorbent.  I prepped the prefolds and diapers before using, and I have been so impressed with how they've held up and how much moisture they hold.

At first, I was nervous at how long they are, but we have also been using the infant size from cottonbabies, so we should have upgraded awhile ago to a longer and bigger prefold.  She is smaller, so we fold it in half after trifolding, but this makes it perfect for her since she is a stomach and side sleeper and we have trouble with leaking.

I'm not a fan of Velcro on cloth diapers because it does wear out faster, and my daughter learned to peel those off at six months old so Velcro has only been for night use with full pajamas for awhile, so that didn't need to be changed.  The cover is designed really well, and they fit better than a lot of other covers we tried.  Not only does she not leak, but the diapers don't move very much while she is sleeping, which was a problem with other Velcro diapers for us.

We haven't had these as long as our other prefolds, but we also haven't had the rash problems yet with these prefolds, which is a big plus.  I'm sure over time they will need to be stripped and washed, but for now, they are much easier to use than our current night set up.

Real Nappies come in four sizes - 6-13 pounds, 11-19 pounds, 18-31 pounds, and 29-40 pounds. I like one size diapers because they grow with the baby, but my kids grow slower so they are in sizes like this for a lot longer, so we aren't spending a lot of money upgrading sizes.  I like how their sizes are set up.  They're big enough gaps that you will use a diaper for more than a month, but small enough so as your baby grows and wets more, the next size up is around the size you would need.

The company also has other baby and kid products, not just cloth, so take a look at their site to see.  A lot of their products are green and all are safe for kids and babies, and shipping was so fast.  Overall, just a great company to work with!

A Woman's Birth Deserves Respect

I've hinted at a few things people have told me about my freebirth, but one that is permanently fixed in my mind is someone giving my baby a nickname having to do with the color of the water when she was born.

Someone decided to give her the nickname "Jello baby" because the water was red when my husband sent out the announcement picture.  She had been born less than 10 minutes before, so we were still in the pool, and yes, I bled in the water (which happens in a waterbirth) so the water was red.

Now, if this nickname was because she's a chubby baby, I wouldn't care.  I never thought I would have a chubby baby and I'm loving it, so the nickname for that would be endearing to me.  But simply because you are making fun of how she was born because it's not a common choice?  That is not okay on any level.

Let's say I had a hospital birth or another cesarean, whether scheduled or not.  If our announcement of her birth had been sent out with me in the hospital holding her, or of her in the OR, or anything like that, no one would dare make a nickname based on that.  There would be no jokes about how the room looked, how she looked, what I was wearing or where I had her.  Everyone would be so supportive of our choice to have her in a setting they understand.

The thing is, it doesn't bug me as much as it did when I heard the nickname the first time.  What bugs me is that women that give birth in a situation others don't understand have to face scrutiny for it.  Sneers and jokes and comments about bravery and risks.  It doesn't stop.

Just like how we need to take control of our own births, we need to respect the births of others and not poke fun at them if they are different than the "normal" birth we imagine.

There is a huge difference between spreading information on birth choices and picking the births apart for a joke.  There is a huge difference between sharing links and resources with someone looking for change or hoping to help someone feel empowered in their own choices and hoping they don't see the underlying mean spirit.

I am not ashamed of my birth choices.  What makes me feel ashamed is how others treat those choices.  When other homebirthing mothers call me brave and roll their eyes, I wonder what I am lacking in their eyes.  When women hear about my birth and then instantly change the subject it makes me wonder what was so wrong with my choice that I can't talk about it like I could if I had chosen to have my baby in the hospital.

I hate that I feel I have to justify my choice to others.

No woman should have to justify her choice for her birth.  You may not agree, I know I don't agree with many choices others make, but that doesn't give anyone the right to make them feel less because of it.

If we want to change the way that women birth, we have to believe their birth was special.  It doesn't matter how they birth, it was special.  A mother is created, and a baby is born.  How is that not one of the most special things that anyone can do in their life?  Creating life should be treated as the sacred act that it is, regardless of how that came about.

We all deserve to take power from our births, and that starts with changing the way we treat the births of others.

From Unschool to Public School

We planned on homeschooling. As things progressed, unschooling became more our style.  Our daughter was able to learn what she wanted when she wanted, we were both infinitely happier, and she was learning.

Fast forward to her sixth birthday, less than a month before the school year.  We were on a walk, and as we passed the local elementary school, she turned to me and said she wanted to go to school.  This has happened before and normally she forgot by morning so I nodded and said we would talk about it tomorrow.

She woke up the next day, a Friday, announced she really wanted to go to school and asked when it started.  So, I called the Montessori Charter school to get a private tour. Strangely, people where I live don't like how this elementary school doesn't test as well so they are barely half full.  And for a Montessori school that's huge!  It's free, it follows a Montessori philosophy, and there are so many openings.

That afternoon we had our tour.

I have never seen her so happy.

The Assistant Director gave us our tour, answered all our questions, and it felt right.

Less than a month later, she was starting first grade in a public charter after we originally wanted to unschool.

To many, this is a little out there.  Unschooling isn't the most popular view to begin with, but then it seemed like we gave that up for the exact opposite when she started public school.

To me, we were following her wishes.  I've never been a parent that pushes their own ideals and wishes on their child, to the amusement of many, and we let her choose this too.  Why should I force a decision I wanted on my child when she clearly wanted something different?

Now, I will admit, a public Montessori Charter isn't the same as public school.  There are no desks, most learning is very hands on, there are no group lectures, no forced learning.  She is allowed to learn what she wants when she wants, the Montessori way. 

At first I felt like a homeschooling failure.  How could I want to do something so much, and then love it more when she is at school?  How could we both love this new system more than the freedom of the old?

It took a long time for me to understand that our lives are not a fantastical whim.  Rarely, if ever, do things go exactly how you planned.

For me and my daughter, this is the best thing we could have done.  Both of us are happier.  She has such a hard time when school is out!  She loves the new environment, loves her friends, loves that she has control over her learning.  I love that she is so happy.

In the end, I trusted her.  I was nervous and worried, but she is thriving.

Some children would not thrive in a public schooling atmosphere.  Others would not thrive in an unschooling atmosphere.  Trusting them to help make that decision is so important.  Yes, I understand that not everyone has the resources to make these choices, and it can be so hard to decide when your choices are much more limited, but you can still trust your children.

Talk to them.  Find out how they learn.  Find out what they want to do.

They might surprise you with how much they truly know and understand about what they want.

Life After the Rainbow

We had seven losses before our beautiful rainbow was born.  She lights up our lives in ways we didn't know we needed.  We have two beautiful daughters, and they are both such incredible miracles.

However, it isn't all sunshine.  In some ways having our miracle baby makes the pain of losses easier and in other ways having her here makes it all so much harder.  The pain isn't gone.  Having a baby after loss doesn't mean the pain didn't happen.  You can be happy and joyous, yet sad at the same time, and that is completely okay!!

Milestones she reaches are bittersweet.  I love how fast she learns things and how smart she is, but seeing her reminds me I didn't get that with our other children.  It doesn't make the joy at seeing her learn any less, but sometimes it means that it takes time for me to truly feel the joy that used to be so easy when our oldest daughter did these same things.

One thing I have learned through all of this was I needed to forgive myself and let myself have the space and time needed to feel the grief and joy that sometimes feels never ending.  It doesn't mean that I take her for granted, it doesn't mean that I am not so very happy she is alive and thriving, it just means that I am being the best mother I can be, to all my children.

You need to allow yourself to feel all you need.  Pregnancy after so many losses was exhausting.  I was constantly terrified I would wake up one morning and it would all be over, just like the others.  I couldn't let my guard down.  I was terrified to love the baby growing inside me.  I struggled with depression and anxiety, and amplified by hormones I was a mess.

Preparing for a freebirth made me work through the fears I had, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  The actual birth was the most powerful I have ever felt, but that simple act wasn't enough to take away all the fear.

As it nears my rainbow's first birthday, I think of all we went through to get her here, and all that I still struggle with.  The upcoming holiday season also makes it all the more apparent.

I'm slowly relaxing and some anxiety is lifting, but I still have a hard time leaving her or her sister with anyone I'm not very very close to.  I still have flashes in my mind of something happening her.

Once you lose a baby, the innocence you had before is gone.  And if you struggled with it before losing a child, it becomes amplified.

During this holiday season and always, please know there are so many places to find support.  Websites such as Unspoken Grief and Stillbirthday, twitter, facebook, in person support groups.  Such a wide variety of support and understanding, so please reach out.  And I am always available, so please send an email (connectedmom.kayce@gmail.com) if you would like information on anything, or even just to talk. 

Just because you've received your miracle doesn't mean your grief stops.  Feel what you need to feel, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

The Road to Healing

Every year my oldest daughter's birthday comes around and I am taken back to when she was born.  I rework her birth story, add more understanding and less anger.  Though nothing could have prepared me for how her birth would feel after having my Freebirth.

Her cesarean has always been hard for me to deal with.  I'm able to talk about it most times now without stumbling and crying, I can talk to some of the people that caused the reasons for her cesarean without wanting to run away, but now knowing that my body was never broken, that it simply needed no one to mess with it?  I now have an entirely different perspective.

I know that most women won't have the birth I did.  Unassisted Birth, or Freebirth, isn't for everyone.  It isn't meant to be.  You take an even more direct approach to your own care, and you have to reach deep down to become in tune with your intuition.  Some women need another person in charge to rely on.  Others don't want to take completely responsibility for their birth.  Even more don't care.

However, my Freebirth almost eight months ago opened my eyes.

Six years ago I was told things would end differently.  A supposedly term baby, a very "unrisky" procedure, and the possibility of a cesarean if she didn't turn from breech.  I didn't think much beyond that.

Every bad thing that could happen did.  I had a cesarean, my "term" baby couldn't breathe, and I had PPD/PTSD for months after.  I didn't bond, didn't feel much of anything for her other than responsibility.

Now having had my Freebirth, having had that instant bond, I know a few things in the shadow of six years.

The procedure before could have killed her and was completely unnecessary and even more dangerous now that I know about my bicornuate uterus, but the cesarean I despise saved her life.

That may not sound like much, but this is a huge step for me.  One that I see is a step in the way of healing.

They saved her life and inadvertently created the birth of my second.  I don't know if I would have found this path without the trauma caused, but I can now be a little bit grateful for it.

Being Proud of Our Bodies: Part 1

As women, especially after having children, it's easy to see the flaws in our bodies.  The extra sag, the stretch marks, the bags under our eyes, the hair that has been rinsed in the sink for a few days, the makeup you haven't taken out of the case in months.  It's easy to get caught up in the fact most moms don't look like supermodels do after they have a baby.  We aren't a size 2 with perfect breasts and a tight stomach six weeks after birth.

My last pregnancy I felt better than I had in years. I gained over 30 pounds, which for me is a big deal, and then in a moment that still amazes me, I pushed her out in my living room.

However, this isn't about my whole body. Just my breasts. I know it may seem strange, but it's hard to appreciate my new body when I take everything in at once.

When I'm nursing or pumping, I thin down fast but look like Pamela Anderson when I'm engorged. Even nursing they aren't perky anymore and each time my milk comes in and then I stop nursing or pumping, my breasts are a bit flatter and a bit saggier than before. Think of two empty wallets, barely big enough for an A cup.

To help love my entire body, I've decided to think of all my breasts have done.

I nursed my first daughter for nine months, and then again for one month 29 months later. I exclusively nursed her for four months, and pumped when I went back to work when she was six months old. I grew her, inside my body and then outside.

I gave birth to a baby at 13 weeks 5 days, and three days later my milk came in. I went on to exclusively pump for two and a half months and donated to three babies in need.


My rainbow baby was born after Thanksgiving, and I have exclusively nursed her for 14 weeks 2 days, even with the rough first six weeks we had.  I have also in the last two months pumped to donate to very good friends.

In the last almost six years, I have pumped a total of just under 12 gallons of milk to donate to what will be seven babies, and then topping out at 15 gallons when I add what I pumped when my first daughter was in the NICU and when I went back to work when she was almost six months old.  I have grown two babies through nursing, the second even has the most amazing chub.

My breasts may be covered in stretch marks and not perky, they may be tired and battleworn, but they have done so much.  I may not look like I did seven years ago, but they are serving the purpose they were made to serve.  For that, I can love my body even more, and be proud of the work it has done.

Time To Break The Silence

Two months ago, I had a freebirth, and it was the best experience of my life.

Since, it hasn't been the easiest transition with breastfeeding and having a five year old that is used to undivided attention, but I could always look back at my birth and remember how empowered I felt, how amazing it felt, and just remembering the moment I pulled her out of the water could make me smile.

Since having my freebirth (after having a cesarean with my first), I haven't been shy about telling anyone and everyone about it.  I was nervous the whole pregnancy about discussing our plans because of fear and worry, and honestly, I didn't want people to judge me or call me brave or discuss the risks I was taking.  Ever since?  I can't seem to shut up about it.  Which is how birth should be, in my opinion. Women should want to share their experiences.

Anywho, I have had no trouble since she was born discussing her birth, why we chose to have a freebirth, who was there, what we did to prepare, and all that jazz.  Most people would change the subject if they got uncomfortable with it, or they would say I'm "brave" (an entire issue all in itself).  Some have made fun of my baby by giving her a nickname based on the color of the pool water when my husband sent out the announcement text (probably 15 minutes after she was born so I was still in the pool and yes, it was red, but yes, to me it was the perfect announcement).  Others just talk behind my back.

Until yesterday.

I went to the CNM in my area for a diaphragm, and the nurse took my history, finding out our second daughter was born at home, but she thought it was really neat we informed ourselves and made the choice right for our family.  Then comes the CNM.

She looks through my history, sees the homebirth information and asks which midwife in the area we had at the birth.  I told her we didn't have a midwife, and so she decides to go on a rampage about how she had a dead homebirth VBAC baby come in last week and if we have more children we need to rethink the risks we are taking because they are very real, very dangerous, and it's likely one of us would die if we tried again.

Now, this was just after we finished talking about the seven babies we lost inbetween our daughters.  I know how much it hurts to have a baby die.  I've lived that over and over.  I would never take that big of a risk just to have a freebirth.  I knew my limits, I knew my baby's limits, and in the end, we rocked it.  I would have transferred in a heartbeat if I even felt something was off.

After she told me this, I couldn't even speak.  I know a lot of VBAC moms get played the "dead baby" card, but they are normally PREGNANT when it happens, not holding their 9 week old and just asking for birth control.

I left the office after so angry I was almost in tears.

I've had a lot of bad providers in the last five years.  Some that wouldn't listen, others that just patted me on the head, but this?  This was the worst.

It made me realize something though.  Providers only go as far as we let them go.  I needed to get the diaphragm, so I couldn't leave the office yet before she did the exam and ordered it for me.  So she kept talking.  Had I left or been able to leave?  The situation would have been entirely different.

How many times as women are we forced to sit through a situation where someone talks down to us and we aren't able to leave because we either need something, want something, or are just too afraid of the consequences?

Providers won't learn if we keep sitting through it.  Providers are still telling women their baby will die, and hoping they scare them enough they stay.  Providers are hoping that we sit through it, and some of it seeps into our mind and stays there.

Pregnant women are prone to worry more than others.  You're caring for two people at the same time, one of which is your growing baby.  It's easy to scare a pregnant woman.  I don't know anyone that would risk the life of their baby simply for an experience, but along the same line, providers shouldn't be downplaying that experience just so women don't walk out the door.

No, I didn't get a medal for my freebirth (though I think I totally should have ;) ), but that experience can never be taken away from me.  Instead of treating women like patients that don't know what they're doing, providers should be treating us like we are in charge of our births, because we are.

It doesn't matter where you're birthing, if you have an OB, an MFM, a Midwife, or no one at all, you should be getting the respect you deserve.

And if you're not?  Find another provider.  Interview, ask doulas in your area for recommendations, ask midwives or doctors what other providers they recommend.  The interview process is crucial to finding your fit.  You do not want to be sitting at an appointment wanting to punch your provider, but knowing you can't run away.

That is not how this system is supposed to work.

And if in the end you have no other choice, or feel like you have no choice, file a complaint.  I felt trapped listening to the CNM blather on about how my baby could have died, but that doesn't stop me from filing and hopefully helping her realize it is not okay to scare women.  We shouldn't be letting this cycle continue.  In the end, we might be the difference between a provider continuing the way they are or maybe stopping for one second before they say something.

We can't be silent any longer.  That starts for me today.

Guest Post - Help Your Child: Prevent Diabetes With Exercise

Diabetes was never something that I personally worried about, and it wasn’t until my little cousin was going through testing for Type II Diabetes that I started to really pay attention to the disease, and to understand the serious consequences that come with it. Diabetes is a serious disease that affects millions of people each year including children. The only way to free our country of this disease is to raise awareness about it. November is American Diabetes Month, so it is more important than ever to promote knowledge of this illness.

Type II Diabetes used to be a disease that mainly affected adults, however it is now affecting children at an extremely high rate. In fact, nearly 200,000 people under the age of 20 have diabetes. Children are more likely to develop Type II Diabetes if they are overweight and inactive. Carrying excess weight increases the chance of insulin resistance, which is a main cause of diabetes. While there are factors that are uncontrollable when it comes to Type II Diabetes, obesity and lack of exercise are the two biggest controllable factors, which is why it’s so important to understand them and practice preventative habits.

The fact that so many children are developing Type II Diabetes is disheartening. They are still so young and have to deal with this terrible disease that can be life-threatening – many people don’t realize that the

longer a person has diabetes, the more risk they have of developing heart disease when they are older. This is why parents have to step up and do everything they can to prevent their children from developing

diabetes. In addition to encouraging healthy eating habits, parents should motivate their children to stay active. Exercising at least 30 minutes a day can greatly reduce your child’s risk of developing diabetes. There are many activities that will allow kids to get the aerobic exercise they need without it feeling like they are actually exercising.

Here are tips on how you can help your child stay active so that he can avoid obesity and diabetes.

Yoga: Calm-Inducing and Demanding Activity All in One

Yoga is not just for adults; children can also enjoy this relaxing exercise. Doing yoga exercises will not just keep your child fit, but it will also improve his mood, increase his flexibility and improve joint health.

Think about attending a parent-child yoga class at your local health club with your child. Once you two learn all the different yoga moves, you can do the exercises in your home – either through memory or by following along to yoga videos!

Hiking through Nature

Your child is more likely to enjoy exercise if you choose a physical activity they enjoy. For example, you can go on a nature hike with them the next time the weather is nice. During the nature hike, your child can burn calories and see all sorts of different trees, flowers and animals. They can also collect different rocks and leaves on the way and make a collage with them when you get back home!

Get Your Groove On!

A fun way to help your child stay fit is to have a dance competition in your living room. Encourage them to invite a few of their friends over and compete against one another. Each child has a certain amount of time to dance to upbeat music. Once they are all done, choose the one who danced the best, silliest, etc.

Thinking about your child developing diabetes can be scary, but encouraging them to exercise on a regular basis, along with a healthy, nutritional diet, can significantly reduce their risk of developing the disease. It is scary for me to think of my little cousin having diabetes, particularly because of all the consequences that come with the disease. Taking a preventative approach with her now will hopefully prevent the development of heart disease and other illnesses later on in her life. In my attempt to get her on the right track of a healthy lifestyle, as well as my other cousins, I have started to implement activity days each week in which we try some form of activity that keeps us moving – we did the dance party, took the nature hike, played paintball, organized a neighborhood-wide kickball game, and are going to continue this so it becomes a lifelong habit for all of them.

Carolyn is a 20-something year old with a passion for life, fitness and overall well being. She is an avid cycler, golfer and has known to bust some serious moves on the dance floor. Check out Carolyn’s blog at http://fullonfit.blogspot.com/

Guest Post - Eight Ways to Get Kids to Listen

Today I am so pleased to be able to share a post from Chaley-Ann Scott, the amazing woman that wrote the article on Unschooling in The Mother Magazine. 

Chaley-Ann Scott, BA (Hons), IIS, ISA, is a sociologist, writer, parenting counsellor, and mother-of-four. She is a contributing editor to The Attached Family (Attachment Parenting International magazine), and a regular contributor to Mothering, Nurture, The Green Parent, The Mother, The Child, Kids on the Coast and Otherways. Her first book, The Shepherdess: A Guide to Mothering Without Control,  is available in all good bookstores or online at www.wombatbooks.com.au or www.asktheshepherdess.com.

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A parenting complaint I hear time and again in my practice is that 'the kids just won't listen'! So what do you do when you have tried explaining, reasoning, reminding, distracting, ignoring, punishing, shaming, bribing - and even begging - but nothing works. Have you just got a 'bad egg'? A future deviant? Is there no hope for your little monster? Don't worry, help is at hand. Shown below are some proven techniques I have used with many families, including those with children who have been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and Aspergers.  They get parents to really start thinking about why their child isn't listening to them, and how they can turn that around and restore peace to their home. 

1. Listen to Them

If you want your child to listen to you then you first need to start listening to them. By this I mean REALLY listening, both to their verbal and non-verbal language. Are they out of sorts? Are they overwhelmed, frustrated, unhappy with something? Don't put them in situations that they can't handle just because you feel they 'should' – if they don't like shopping then find a way to do it without them, if they struggle in big groups then avoid those, if they don't like strangers talking to them talk for them, if they become fidgety in restaurants only use drive-thru's or take-aways. We wouldn't dream of forcing a friend to a concert if they hated loud noise or crowds, so why do it to our children? Help them navigate and figure out their world in comfort and, when you miss the early signs that they aren't happy then respond gently. Punishing or ignoring our child when they have a loud emotion (ie.what many parents describe as a 'tantrum' or a 'meltdown') is an opportunity to apologise to our child that we didn't notice they were uncomfortable, to find out what is behind their behaviour, and to try to fix what is often an unmet need.

2. Be Reliable

Do you always say what you mean with your child? Do you make a plan and stick to it? 'I won't be long', 'I'll bring you some cake home today', 'You can watch that tomorrow', 'You can have that after dinner' – typical, seemingly innocent 'promises' that we fully mean at the time but end up breaking because we are busy or our minds are elsewhere. However, to a child, breaking these 'promises' erodes trust and eventually they will stop listening to what we have to say.

3. Be Honest

Are you someone who is always honest with and around your children? Do you ever knowingly tell them 'white lies' to appease them like, 'We'll come back tomorrow' , 'We'll get that game another day' , 'I have no money in my purse right now' , 'Tell the lady I'm not home', 'The shop was closed', 'Don't tell your brother I got you that'? Those little lies build up and, children aren't stupid, they work out quickly if mum and dad are people who tell lies or people who have integrity. Why should they listen to someone who doesn't always tell the truth? Would you?

4. Be Accurate

Motivated by our fear that our kids will get hurt, we tell them all sorts of things and present them as fact just to get them to comply. 'You will fall if you go any higher', 'If you eat sweets your teeth will fall out', 'McDonald's is poison and will make you sick', 'That movie will give you nightmares', 'Video games fry your brain', 'Smoking will kill you'. When these 'facts' turn out to not be true, but just a matter of opinion, mum and dad will become a less sought after source of advice. That can be pretty dangerous when they then turn to peers for advice in their teenage years. By all means, share your views on certain things with your kids but, if you want them to continue listening to you, be wary of scaremongering and giving advice as 'fact' – state your case as your opinion and help them explore other people's viewpoints and their own.

5. Be Playful

Playing with our kids, especially side-by-side activity, is a great way to get kids talking. And, as we have already discussed, the best way to get our children to listen to us is to listen to them. Don't expect them to join you in your world doing things you like, but join them in theirs. What do they love? Why? Get engrossed in their latest game, book, sport, craft that they love, in their space, and share it with them and watch the communication just flow.

 

6. Reduce the 'No's' and Find the 'Yes's'

If someone said no to your requests numerous times a day how would you feel about that person? Would you feel like complying when they asked something of you? No, neither would I. If your child requests something that isn't agreeable to you (for non-arbitrary reasons) then rather than providing an outright no – try and 'find the yes' and offer acceptable alternatives to both of you. This shows you are really listening to them, and are trying to help them. For example, if your child wants a toy and you can't afford it, rather than say an outright no you could say, 'Sure, let's put it on the wish list and work out ways we can buy it'.  Do you have anything you can sell or trade? What about a second-hand one? Let's work out ways we can save up for it'.  Showing them you are always trying to find ways to help them to get what they want will strengthen their trust in you and ultimately improve your chances they will actually listen to you.

7.  ‘No’ is an acceptable answer

So many parents say to me 'yeah, but sometimes I really do have to say no and when I do I need him to just listen'. This may be a 'No!' or 'Stop!' to serious issues such as hitting a sibling, swearing or screaming in public, or doing something seriously dangerous. Often these can be avoided by being fully present and mindful of the situations we put our child into, but not always. When it does happen it is far more likely our child will listen to a firm 'no' or 'stop' if they are few and far between, and we ourselves accept it when they say 'no' to us. Contrary to popular belief, it is not disrespectful for a child to say ‘no’ to a request from us - quite the opposite.  It shows they trust and respect us to be honest, and don't just blindly comply with our wishes.  And, the more we respect ‘no’ from our child, the more likely our child will respect a 'no' from us.  The other added benefit is that when they do say yes, we will know they have not done it through fear but have been intrinsically motivated to do so. 

 

8. Be informative

If you follow all the above steps with your child, you will eventually find that providing them with information, feedback, and advice - rather than demands or orders - will result in them listening to you. However, don't always expect them to comply with your request – just as you do with them, they may say no but suggest acceptable alternatives to you both. These techniques will not produce a compliant child, and nor should you want them to, but it will help to produce a reasoning, thoughtful, free-thinking child that has a strong connection with his/her parents, which is something we should all be striving for.

Pregnancy Is Hard Work

Me at 34 weeks with this pregnancy

I watched What To Expect with my brother and his wife a couple weeks ago, and when one of the pregnant women has a breakdown and talks about all that makes pregnancy unglamorous, which a lot of people won't talk about, I laughed and was right there with her.

Yes, pregnancy has a glow, pregnancy is a miracle, but pregnancy is hard work.  Let's face it, you're growing another human being within your own body, it's not going to be all sunshine and roses.  Just like other aspects of motherhood, there are goods and bads.

Your body is going through so many changes, not to mention the flood of hormones making you feel like a crazy person.  Your ligaments are all loosening for birth so you end up either in pain or walking like a turtle, unless you're lucky.  Your center of balance is off so if you try to squat in front of your five year old to talk you may end up flat on your butt in front of everyone in church wondering how that happened.  Sleeping is all you want to do, but if you get hit with pregnancy insomnia, which I still say is a very cruel joke, you just feel run down all the time.  And then there's the peeing all the time, the bowling ball growing between your legs, the kicks and punches to your cervix, the times when baby rubs you sciatic nerve and an entire leg almost falls out from under you.

Isn't pregnancy glamorous?

And yet, I wouldn't change anything.

I'm bigger than I've been in my entire life, but I wear the extra weight and belly that does look surprisingly like a basketball when I'm wearing clothes like a badge of honor.  My body may suck at a lot of things, but this time, it's growing a baby the way I've always wanted and craved.  I'm sore and miserable and cranky, but when this baby rolls around and kicks inside me, I can't help but marvel at the miracle of it.  I'm hungry all the time, but when I remember that my body is doing all the work for another human being, I make that next plate of spaghetti and feel so grateful that I am here.

I guess in the end, you take it all with either a smile or a growl or both, and that's okay.  When people tell you not to complain, just smile, nod, and then as you walk away curse them to the bowels of hell if that's how you feel.  No one knows what you've done to get to this point, no one knows how the pregnancy is wearing on your body, no one else but you can know how you feel.

So go ahead and complain.  Go ahead and be happy.  Go ahead and feel whatever you need to feel because pregnancy is hard work.  And know that at any given time, there are probably thousands of other pregnant women around the world feeling run down, cranky, happy, and blessed with you.

The Mother Magazine Review and Giveaway

I have been trying to find a new natural living and parenting magazine since Motherhood stopped their print issues, and so many of my friends in this community rave about The Mother Magazine.  I kept putting off reading it, though their facebook page is loaded with information.

I was sent three issues of the magazine from this year, and as soon as I opened the envelope and saw what was written in each issue had me hooked.  However, what really sold me was an article in the May/June 2012 issue.

We are, for now, following a more unschooling program than actual homeschooling and doubts creep in regularly whether we are doing the right thing and if she will ever "catch up" to other children her age.  She is teaching herself to read and is very interested in it, but she just isn't there yet.

The article in the May/June issue is titled Unschooling: inspired thinking or educational neglect? by Chaley-Ann Scott.  The title drew me.  The same thoughts had run through my head.  She writes about how unschooling works in her home, how her children thrive at their own pace, and how unschooling has grown in many countries, including the US.  She discusses both sides of the unschooling 'debate' and explains why there is such a huge divide between homeschoolers and unschoolers.

Though I will say for me, the best part of the entire article was her discussing when her children learned to read.  Her daughter learned at six, in almost the same way that my daughter is learning, but her son didn't have any interest until he was eight.  She discusses how she felt during the long wait for her late reader, but that she knew to wait for him.

I thumbed through the rest of the issue and was blown away by the amount of information on so many diverse topics.  One issues goes from Vitamin K information to barefoot babies.  Another discusses The Red Tent Movement to maternal health in Nigeria.  There are beautiful pictures within, whether they're babywearing, nursing, birthing, or families interacting.  Every issue contains healthy recipes, which I have yet to try, but they look delicious and simple.

This magazine is everything I have been looking for since Motherhood stopped.  I actually think it is better than Motherhood ever was.  The topics are real questions parents and families ask themselves, and they're written by people that have been there and researched this for months.

If you have anything you want to write about, you can send in submissions to them, and be published in the magazine, which is one of my favorite parts.  You aren't hearing from random big shot sources like other parenting magazines, you're hearing from real people.

The very best part?  The Mother Magazine is giving away ten free issues to ten lucky families!  This magazine is one that you truly want in your library, even if just for the recipes, pictures, or to have on hand in case you ever need a bit of advice.

Just complete the form and you can get 10 easy entries for your chance to win!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Emotional and Mental Barrier in Pregnancy

I never thought about the little things people say to a pregnant woman in pregnancy until recently.  I'm five months pregnant after seven losses, and my mind is already in an interesting place, but it's made me realize that everything you say to a pregnant woman has an impact.

The other day, I was involved in a discussion where a woman compared taking medications like Unisom and Zofran for Hyperemesis Gravidarium to Thalidomide and DES (Diethylstilbestrol) that was given out years ago to pregnant women.  Neither of those medications are on the market anymore because of the awful effects they had on the unborn baby, but it takes your mind to a place it doesn't want to go.

Thalidomide caused babies to be born without arms and legs and DES was found to cause infertility and sterility in female children.

It is extremely common to use medications and procedures in pregnancy without proper studies, so this has happened multiple times throughout history until they found they left profound impacts on unborn babies.

It is starting to become more common to research like mad in pregnancy to make sure you are doing the best thing for your unborn baby, but sometimes, you can't avoid interventions such as a medication that hasn't been fully studied.

I have been incredibly lucky this pregnancy and I haven't (yet) had to be admitted to the hospital for dehydration, though this comes at a price that does scare me.  I take a Unisom every night when I go to sleep so I can partially function the next day, and when that doesn't curb the extreme nausea and vomiting, I have Zofran on hand.  Every time I take a pill, I'm scared I am hurting my baby.  I wonder if ten to fifty years down the road they realize these weren't safe and I was doing more harm.

In the conversation where the medications I am currently taking were compared to medications that did cause severe issues in babies, it was really hard to separate the logic from the emotional.  I know without a doubt that for me the medication is necessary.  I have an almost five year old I have to be functional for, and I need to stay hydrated and nourished to be able to grow my baby.  I know this.

However, in pregnancy, your mind doesn't seem to work the same way.  Even if I know all this, all the doubts and worries and fears came rushing back to the surface.  It is incredibly hard to remember why you are making certain choices when the fear clouds your mind.

In truth, it's exhausting when you aren't able to simply let things roll off like you would if you weren't pregnant.

The mental and emotional barrier in pregnancy is thinner, if that's the right word to use.  You aren't just worrying about your own health anymore, there's another person that is completely dependent on you for survival.  It's an entirely different mental state than breastfeeding and raising a child.  Every choice I make right now has the potential to benefit or risk the health of my baby.  In reality, it's a lot of pressure!

Think to yourself, are you making that easier or harder on other women?  I do think that the more information a woman has about pregnancy and birth the better choices she will make for herself, but are we giving them more to worry about because we don't have their whole story?

The woman in the conversation didn't realize the impact she had on me, and probably the other pregnant women involved also going through the hell that is HG.  It's probably extremely hard to understand the mindset of a pregnant woman that feels she truly has no choice but to turn to medication when she has tried her entire life to live naturally.

Sometimes, we need to trust that a pregnant woman truly does understand what she is doing.  Sometimes, we need to let things go because unless we have been through the exact same thing, we don't know why they are choosing it.  Sometimes, it's best not to say anything.

And if what you are saying could cause her to worry more than she already is, especially if her entire life has been about living the opposite way?  It's definitely a good idea to step away and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Guest Post - Start Something Beautiful

It started with an idea, I planted the seed and I'm watching it grow. 


I had this little idea that I could make a big change in the world if I was able to gather amazing breastfeeding photos of women of all sizes, shapes, colours and with breastfeeding children of all ages, and turn them into something beautiful. I wanted it to be a grassroots project with photos of real women breastfeeding their often hilarious children. I wrote a little blog post, and shared online. I created an email account to receive the photos and it's grow faster than I can imagine. 


Women from all over the world are submitting their photos into this breastfeeding project, and I'm not sure how I will ever choose between 10-20 to use in print - I'm still keeping the end product under wraps as I work out how I will finance this project, but that isn't stopping women submitting them. I started a facebook account for women to share their photos of them breastfeeding their children that weren't good enough quality for the finished print version and it's beautiful seeing what it has become. The wall is filled with photos and people wanting to know how they can be a part of this project. 

Start Something Beautiful will be a grassroots breastfeeding activism project, that will go to print in November, and pre-sale will begin in the Autumn of 2012. I hope that it will be a huge worldwide success and fill the days of people around the world with the sweetest images of love at its purest. The only incentive these amazing women had to share their images is knowing that they could win a free copy if their images was chosen - and they don't even know what the free copy is of! Women truly are opening their hearts, knowing that someone with a passion for changing the world, one woman at a time would do great work with what they share. I'm in awe. 


I want to include photos of twins, and tandem nursing, adoptive nursing, relactation breastfeeding, breastfeeding while babywearing, in cloth diapers or while practicing elimination communication, brand new babies, long lanky children, on top of a mountain, in the ocean, women of colour, women of all shapes and sizes! I want to make it feel totally acceptable, to embrace everyone, to make breastfeeding seem normal.


As a huge believer in seeing breastfeeding will help improve the breastfeeding rates and to help re-normalize breastfeeding. I hope that Start Something Beautiful inspires new mothers to try breastfeeding who may not have otherwise, or to give women who think she is the only person in the world nursing her 3 year old a sense of deep belonging. I want to celebrate the beauty that is breastfeeding in an accessible and daily way. 


So, please excuse me while I go calculate wholesale costs for your Midwifery office, and work out shipping costs for my new friends and collaborators around the world. Pre-sales of Start Something Beautiful will be available shortly....as will the reveal of what exactly this project is. 


I hope you'll submit a photo, join the facebook group, tell your friends and support breastfeeding pairs in all the ways you can. 


Join the facebook group Start Something Beautiful to stay up-to-date on our growth and for the peoples choice voting! 
https://www.facebook.com/groups/305667892853840/


Warmly, 
Amber Skye Morrisey 
A student Midwife, Childbirth Educator, Doula, Placenta Encapsulator, Reiki Practitioner and Babywearing Educator 
www.birthroutes.com

Movement in Pregnancy

I look at pregnancy a little different than most.  For me?  Every single day is a miracle.  On the days where I'm terrified and worried, every minute is a miracle.  I may not connect or bond with my babies very early because of the fear, but for the two pregnancies I've had that went past 7 weeks since my daughter, I'm prepared and open for anything.

I don't agree with a lot of the big baby tracking apps and websites that you can subscribe to, but on my Kindle I downloaded the babycenter pregnancy app so my daughter could watch movies of our baby and see it grow. I also like the little fruit analogies so she can understand how big our baby is (even though right now our baby is measuring bigger than their fruits).

When I watched one of the videos with her, it talked about how baby is fluttering and moving all the time, but you won't feel this movement for a few more months.  I may not be that far along, but my baby is two inches long.  This baby isn't small anymore.

It got me thinking.

Is it truly impossible to feel a baby move before the common 12-18 weeks?  Or is that something we've been telling women for years and they put off what they think they feel?  Are we in essence, from the very beginning of a woman's pregnancy, basically telling her that what she is feeling is wrong, and having her doubt herself before she is even near giving birth??

With one of my pregnancies, I was on bedrest, so I couldn't be very active, and I felt that baby move very early.  I was a few days before 11 weeks, and baby squirmed and wiggled like a goldfish in my lower belly. It was amazing.  I had so many people tell me that was impossible, but so many more that talked about how they felt the same thing.  I knew what I felt, and instead of letting people dissuade me from what I knew about my own body and my own baby, I stuck to it.

This time, even if I haven't bonded because of my history, this baby moved very early.  Even earlier than my last "sticky" pregnancy.  At almost the second trimester, this baby already moves around a lot.

To explain, movements this early aren't the same as movements you feel at 20 weeks.  They are less kicks and bumps, and more pressure and slight wiggles.  The first movements I felt were because I could feel my uterus go from far into my pelvis to poking out.  If I hadn't known what I was looking for, and known how to figure out it was my uterus from early on, I would have just assumed it was cramps or gas.

Yes, it seems unlikely to be able to feel a baby wiggle and squirm when they are the size of a grape, but how is that in any way impossible?  Impossible things happen every day.  We shouldn't be telling pregnant women that their first connection to their baby is impossible.  Plus, how would anyone but her know what she felt?  Reading about it in textbooks, working with pregnant women, yes that can make you an expert in situations, but in the end, every woman is different, as is every baby and pregnancy.

I didn't feel my daughter move until 21 weeks.  I had an anterior placenta so even when she did move, it wasn't much because the placenta blocked most of it, and she wasn't a very active baby.  Does that mean I should believe it's impossible for anyone to feel a baby move before 21 weeks because that was my experience?

Pregnancy is the time where a woman should be getting to know her own body and her own baby.  No one else should interfere in that process, even if it's about the impossibility of early movement.  We should be helping women trust in their own experiences and their own feelings, not putting them down from the first instance.

Early movement is improbably but not impossible.  Women should be able to trust their own intuition.  And maybe if we believe them about the early experiences in pregnancy, their trust in what their bodies can do will follow.

"Don't Ignore Infertility"

This week, April 22 - 28, is National Infertility Awareness Week.  The theme this year is one that is so important for all those not struggling with infertility.

"Don't Ignore Infertility"

Infertility is one of the hardest things a couple will have to go through.  Support is so crucial so the process doesn't swallow them.

For those that haven't had to struggle through infertility, whether primary or secondary, it's hard to know how to support a friend.  One in eight couples now suffer through infertility, whereas a couple years ago it was one in ten.  It may not seem like a lot, but chances are you know at least one couple that is having trouble getting pregnant and/or keeping a pregnancy.

One of the best things you can do is not ignore their infertility.  For a lot, it feels like they are failing.  It may not be logical, but one thing that is so important is raising a family and when you can't? It is so incredibly difficult to live with.  Friends and acquaintances you were close to pull away, and that can make this process even harder.

Don't ignore their struggle.  You can still be happy for yourself and your family while supporting them when they need it most.  Don't offer platitudes to make their situation not seem as huge.  Most personal stories and advice that I've been given in the four years we've been trying to have a second child leave me in tears because they're just a pat on the head.  They're stories of "oh this woman I knew" and "just relax and it will happen".

If you are wondering what you can do?  Become educated on this issue that so many people are struggling with.  Be there for them.  Learn what you can do as a family member and friend.  And if you're still wondering? Ask them what you can do.  Even if it is just a simple thing like remembering a date that's important to them while they go through this.

In the end, just don't ignore.  What an important message, which you can take to other parts of your life.

And for those struggling through infertility, their is hope and their is support.  Resolve is an amazing organization and a great place to start.  And I am always available if you need someone to talk to (connectedmom.kayce@gmail.com).  And in the end, let's break the stigma around infertility and realize love and support are so much more important than struggling alone.

When Healthy Food Doesn't Matter

When I'm pregnant with a baby that "sticks" for longer than a week or two, I get extremely sick.  Normal morning sickness is a dream compared to how sick I get.  I have hyperemesis gravidarum, or severe sickness when pregnant that nothing can treat and doesn't get better with time.  When you're pregnant, you're not supposed to lose weight and then barely gain anything (if you even gain).  Morning sickness is supposed to go away and you're supposed to have a great rest of the pregnancy.

I don't have that.  I'm okay with how mine go because I'm prepared for it, not that they are fun by any means, but I've learned that when it is like this, eating healthy for me and my daughter flies out the window.

Most of the day (without medication to help and lots of natural remedies combined day to day), I can hardly stand up with feeling sick or rushing to the bathroom, so I can't stand up and make healthy food from scratch.  It's just not possible.

My natural food side cringes, but my sustain my family side realizes that it's okay to not eat healthy if something is stopping it.

If you came and looked at my pantry right now, most people in this community would shudder and walk away judging me.  And you know what, I'm okay with that.

It's filled with foods my daughter can make herself, foods I can make with very minimal effort, and a lot of foods I wouldn't dream of feeding my family except in times like these.

Sometimes, you have to go with what works.  Sometimes, it is completely okay to buy plastic containers and bags, to buy very cheap food with tons of preservatives, to do what you have to do to make it through.

Life throws you curve balls.  Nothing can go completely how you plan or how you envision your life to be.  This is a struggle for us, going from eating mostly home cooked meals to eating a lot of what I consider junk, but it's how life works.

If you can't always eat healthy and how you want your family to eat, that is completely okay!  Don't feel that you are any less of a great mother or father, because you are amazing.  You do as much as you can, and let the "slack" fall where it may.

The Due Month

Yes, I have a due date.  No, I'm not going to tell you.

The idea of a due date is such a wonderful thing, especially if you know when you ovulated.  You can know the exact date your baby should be "ready" for birth!  That's huge!  Or is it?

The biggest issue with due dates is that date is implanted so far into your brain that even if you know you aren't overdue until 42 weeks, your mind automatically goes from "I have time left" to "OMG WHY WON'T THIS BABY LEAVE MY UTERUS, YOUR TIME IS UP!"

Which is actually a very understandable thing when you're big and sore and exhausted, but it's rough seeing women all the time going from happy to completely miserable all because they have passed their due date.

Back in the day, when birth was normal and something to not be feared, you didn't have a due date.  You had a due season.  It was perfectly acceptable to tell others that you were due in the spring and they wouldn't keep prying.  Their eyes would gloss over and they would imagine a baby in the spring and how wonderful that would be.

Now, if you don't tell people your exact due date, obviously something is wrong.  They push and push until you tell them or you walk away from a very pointless conversation.

A due date should not be that big of a deal to other people.  It just shouldn't.  Is it their body growing and birthing another human?  No, it isn't, and your "eviction" date shouldn't be the highlight of their information.

Due dates have become so entrenched in our society that everyone's pregnancy is defined by this one specific date.  Some doctors won't even accept a date that isn't from your last menstrual period even if you know your ovulation date.  It's all so controlled and laughable!

Pregnancy is a time where you should be focused on the journey to motherhood, not focused on one particular date.  I may be different because of my history, but I believe pregnancy should be enjoyed for every second (even when you are miserable, you're still growing another human which is amazing!) and not counted down until the end date you receive.

I wish we could go back to due seasons, or even due months.  That would be so much less stressful for everyone, but especially for the pregnant woman not needing to count the days until her baby is ready for birth.

So yes, I give out a due month or season.  And no one, no matter how much they beg and prod, will change that.