Life After the Rainbow

We had seven losses before our beautiful rainbow was born.  She lights up our lives in ways we didn't know we needed.  We have two beautiful daughters, and they are both such incredible miracles.

However, it isn't all sunshine.  In some ways having our miracle baby makes the pain of losses easier and in other ways having her here makes it all so much harder.  The pain isn't gone.  Having a baby after loss doesn't mean the pain didn't happen.  You can be happy and joyous, yet sad at the same time, and that is completely okay!!

Milestones she reaches are bittersweet.  I love how fast she learns things and how smart she is, but seeing her reminds me I didn't get that with our other children.  It doesn't make the joy at seeing her learn any less, but sometimes it means that it takes time for me to truly feel the joy that used to be so easy when our oldest daughter did these same things.

One thing I have learned through all of this was I needed to forgive myself and let myself have the space and time needed to feel the grief and joy that sometimes feels never ending.  It doesn't mean that I take her for granted, it doesn't mean that I am not so very happy she is alive and thriving, it just means that I am being the best mother I can be, to all my children.

You need to allow yourself to feel all you need.  Pregnancy after so many losses was exhausting.  I was constantly terrified I would wake up one morning and it would all be over, just like the others.  I couldn't let my guard down.  I was terrified to love the baby growing inside me.  I struggled with depression and anxiety, and amplified by hormones I was a mess.

Preparing for a freebirth made me work through the fears I had, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  The actual birth was the most powerful I have ever felt, but that simple act wasn't enough to take away all the fear.

As it nears my rainbow's first birthday, I think of all we went through to get her here, and all that I still struggle with.  The upcoming holiday season also makes it all the more apparent.

I'm slowly relaxing and some anxiety is lifting, but I still have a hard time leaving her or her sister with anyone I'm not very very close to.  I still have flashes in my mind of something happening her.

Once you lose a baby, the innocence you had before is gone.  And if you struggled with it before losing a child, it becomes amplified.

During this holiday season and always, please know there are so many places to find support.  Websites such as Unspoken Grief and Stillbirthday, twitter, facebook, in person support groups.  Such a wide variety of support and understanding, so please reach out.  And I am always available, so please send an email (connectedmom.kayce@gmail.com) if you would like information on anything, or even just to talk. 

Just because you've received your miracle doesn't mean your grief stops.  Feel what you need to feel, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Understanding and Support

For a lot of women that have been trying to get pregnant for more than two to three years, those that are barely trying or have been trying for a little more than a year look to them for guidance and support.  This is definitely a double edged sword.

We all remember what those first few months and that first year was like.  It was hard.  You are full of hope, you don't have the "infertile" or "subfertile" label, and most of the women trying will get pregnant before the year has passed.  Those that don't, enter an entirely different group, which is not one that needs more company, but has great support for the new families that join.

I've had some amazing ladies ask for my help during their journey, and I'm not going to lie, it hurts when they complain to me after they have been trying for six months to a year.  Yet they deserve support just as much as someone that has been trying for years and years with no baby at home.

One thing I have learned is that during this journey, if I feel uncomfortable with anything or I feel I am not the person to help them because our paths are so different, I owe it to myself to let them know.  What good does it do if I help, but each time they ask, a little bit more of me dies inside?

Going through this, watching woman after woman get pregnant and have their babies takes its toll on a person.  Many social media breaks are called for to stay away from the pregnancy and birth announcements, lots of support from someone that is going through something similar to you, and many tears are just a few ways that I have found to help.

Just because you are going through this doesn't mean you have to be happy about it.  You don't have to be happy when someone you helped or someone you know gets pregnant.  You don't have to be happy that someone has their baby.  You don't have to go to baby showers, or call them to see how they are doing.  There is no requirement for making you feel anything for anyone.  If you want to feel jealous, go ahead!  Same goes for sadness, anger, lots, and so much more.

This journey is hard enough without doing things you aren't comfortable doing.  So speak up!  You don't have to support everyone that asks for it, you don't have to listen to their tales of sadness and trying, and you don't have to keep trying if that isn't what you want to do.

This time is one where you will find out so much about what you are capable of doing, and even though I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I have found out more about myself than if I hadn't gone through loss and infertility.  We are still waiting for our rainbow baby (living baby born after loss), and I'm am okay with being sad or angry or jealous of others.  My feelings have no bearing on how I feel for them as friends, and they should understand that sometimes I won't be the happy and crazy person they know.

You need the support that you need, not what is thrust upon you.

Infertility by tiff_det

As the time gets near

you prayed it would disappear

please, just one time

a healthy baby that is mine

can't you give

a big fat positive

Make it a girl or boy

either one would bring me joy

could it be that I may

live without another cliche'

"it will happen when it does"

"why make such a big fuss"

Only the ones with infertility

understand what it's like to be me

is it my husband or me

the thought causes me to cry

with the one question...Why?

To see little fingers and toes

and a cute button nose

So many tears have been shed

lying at night in bed

wondering how it would be

to have a baby inside of me

Someone pregnant will walk by

I try so hard not to cry

Why her, Why not me?

I think of every possibility

For my Infertility

I try to keep hope

that's the only way I can cope

my heart continues to break

every negative causes it to ache

Maybe one day i will see

A precious baby staring back at me

Love it with all my heart 

and promise to never part

God i hope you guide me through this

For that is my only wish

I deserve the chance to be a mom

to sing my baby a song

Take a look at me

For I am the face of INFERTILITY!!

You're Still A Mom - EMAB Review and Giveaway!!

Mother's Day is fast approaching, and we at Connected Mom are making this year about those that don't appear to be mothers.  Those that have lost babies, whether by miscarriage, stillbirth, or anytime after birth.  There are so many types of loss that fall into this, and this is for all of you.  I hope this brings you a little comfort, and a little bit of love, knowing you aren't alone.

(If you haven't, please go read You're Still A Mom, it opens this post better than I could today).

Earth Mama Angel Baby has been so generous and has donated two items for us to review and of which to do a giveaway.

Having just suffered our fifth loss, this product could not have come at a better time.  Earth Mama Angel Baby is a certified organic company, meeting the needs of women through pregnancy, loss, family, and beyond.  Their products are 100% toxin free, cruelty free, and completely vegan.  Even their name just fits with this years emphasis on mothers of loss.

I was given both the Healing Heart Mist and the Harmony Tea.  Both smell like heaven, and regardless of whether you need a good cry or just a few minutes to feel like yourself, they are amazing.

 The Healing Heart Mist smells just wonderful.  Whenever I feel a little down, spraying some of this perks me right up.  I feel okay, even for just a few minutes.  The spray gives me enough time to clear my head, breathe, and relax.  When you have lost a child, life goes in second and minute increments.  It takes all your energy to go from one minute to the next.  Spraying the Healing Heart Mist when things are looking particularly gloomy helps me make it through.  It helps me remember that I need just a few seconds to focus on me, to make sure I'm okay.  It helps me remember that sometimes I do need to just think about myself, and that's okay.

The Healing Heart Mist is made with water, organic olive oil, organic lime essential oil, ginger essential oil, tangerine essential oil, organic orange essential oil, and ylang ylang flower oil.  It is the perfect blend to clam, relax, and help you feel okay, even for a few seconds.

The other product is the Organic Harmony Tea.  In this box, you get 16 tea bags, ready to go.  They just need hot water and about 5-10 minutes to steep.  Even if you aren't a tea person, this blend is specifically made to help you relax and feel better.  Spray a little of the Healing Heart mist, sit with a cup of this tea, and forget the world.  Breathe, cry, feel what you need to.  The Harmony Tea made me feel more relaxed than than I had been in a long time.  There truly is nothing like sitting with a hot cup of tea, and being allowed the time alone you need.

The Harmony Tea is made with organic cinnamon bark, organic lady's mantle leaf, organic red raspberry leaf, organic nettle leaf, organic lemon balm leaf, organic ginger root, and organic alfalfa.  Everything in this tea is made to help your mine and body heal after a loss.  The cinnamon and lemon add a very wonderful taste, and the other ingredients come together to make this tea not only unique, but one of the most perfect blends for healing the body.

After suffering a loss, one of the most important things to do is remember to take care of yourself.  After mine, I have a really hard time sleeping, a really hard time eating, and I just don't want to do anything.  These two products have helped me come back to myself, even just a little, which I desperately needed.

And always always remember, regardless of your loss and whether you have other children, you are still a mother to that baby.  Nothing can ever take that away from you.  And again, always remember that you are allowed to be selfish, to take care of yourself.  No one could ever understand the loss, the emptiness, even others that have been there.  Each loss is unique, something only you understand.  Take care of yourself, and know that even if others don't understand, we are all here to help.

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Earth Mama Angel Baby has also been generous enough to offer both the above products to a mother of loss in a giveaway.  This giveaway is specifically for mothers of loss, but if you know one and are willing to enter and give the item to them as a gift if they don't want to enter, that is okay.

To Enter:

     1. MANDATORY ENTRY: Please head over to Earth Mama Angel Baby's site, specifically THIS PAGE which is their baby loss items, and leave a comment letting us know which product you like, what you like about the site, or just something that hadn't known before.

     2.  There are FOUR extra entries that you can use to up your chances of winning:

• *Like* The Connected Mom on Facebook (If you are already a liker, you can still count this as an entry)
• *Like* Earth Mama Angel Baby on Facebook (If you are already a liker, you can still count this as an entry)
• Follow @theconnectedmom and @EarthMamaHQ on twitter and tweet (once a day!) "I entered to win Healing Heart Mist and Harmony tea from @theconnectedmom and @EarthMamaHQ! http://bit.ly/m8kOEv"
• Subscribe to The Connected Mom using Google Friend Connect (If you already follow, you can still use this as an entry)

     3.  The giveaway ends on May 10th at 11:59 pm.  The winner will be drawn at random and announced May 11th.  The winner will be posted here and contacted via email, so remember, please include your email address in the comment form.  If we do not hear back from the winner within 48 hours, a new winner will be chosen by another random draw.

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If any of you mothers need anything, please do not hesitate to email me at connectedmom.kayce@gmail.com.  You are not alone, even though most days it feels like it.

Earth Mama Angel Baby sent me a free sample to review, I received no other compensation for this post, and the views expressed are my own.

You're Still A Mom

As Mother's Day approaches, I have been thinking more and more about the babies I have that most people don't recognize.  I get flowers for my living daughter, but no one knows that in truth I have six babies.

When people recognize Mother's Day, they see what they want to see.  If a woman is pregnant and it is visible to all, she is a mother.  If a woman has children with her, she is a mother.

But, to me and many other women, the obvious mothers aren't the only ones that should be celebrated.

There are many mothers that need more love during this time than those with living children.  The mothers that have lost children, that appear childless, are still in fact mothers.  They deserve to be celebrated also.

Those of you that have lost children, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss, you are still in fact a mother.  No one can ever take that away from you.

Since my first loss three years ago, I have changed a lot as a person and changed what I believe about pregnancy.  I believe that regardless of gestation, a baby is a baby.  If you know you are pregnant but never really get that clear positive test, or you start bleeding within seconds of getting that test, you are a mother to that precious miracle.  If you carry that child to 8 weeks or 20 weeks or 44 weeks, you are still their mother.  If they tell you that your baby was "chemical" because you lost them before 5 weeks, you are still their mother.  If you hold your precious child in your arms or just see a few drops of blood, you are still a mother.

It hurts to be looked at with pity because you aren't getting flowers or presents, especially when people don't know or choose not to understand why your arms are empty.

You are a mother.

Just because your baby couldn't stay with you doesn't mean that you shouldn't be included.  Mother's Day was made to include and celebrate motherhood.  When we lived in smaller communities and had the support of a village, no woman was left out, even if her children weren't living.

You are a mother.  No one can take that away from you, and this Mother's Day, remember the precious baby you were given, and how you were chosen specifically for them.

Nothing can replace a mother's love, and this year, we honor you.

The Cord

We are connected,

My child and I, by

An invisible cord

Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord

That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't been seen

By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed

It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

*Check back tomorrow for a giveaway for you mothers of angels and precious blessings that left this Earth too soon*