Her birthday brought up so many memories. All that happened just to get pregnant with her, all the emotions of that whirlwind pregnancy, but especially her birth.
Her pregnancy and birth were the single greatest things I've ever done.
To preface, freebirth isn't for everyone. It isn't meant to be. We decided before we even got pregnant that freebirth was something we were very interested in, and once we got pregnant, it felt like the best decision for our family.
The beginning of the pregnancy I felt safer seeing a provider than not. I had some bleeding and I needed to see my baby. I had three ultrasounds from six to eleven weeks, and discovered I have a bicornuate uterus in the process, but that is for another post.
I saw a high risk OB an hour away, and once I felt safe on my own, I cut care.
From eleven weeks on, I did my own care. Every four weeks I did an actual "prenatal", but only to satisfy my curiosity. I loved knowing what my body was doing. I loved being in charge of what happened to me. I didn't use a Doppler, only a fetoscope, and that was an amazing experience. I got to know my baby.
I was able to hear her placenta, her cord, figure out her position, what she liked and didn't like. It was incredible to me.
At 27 weeks I was admitted to the hospital. I got the same stomach bug that hit my oldest daughter, and when I get dehydrated, I contract. A lot. By the time they were able to insert my IV, I was contracting every two minutes. Some medication, fluids, and rest and I went home.
From that point on, my baby sat very low, and I contracted all the time. I was cranky.
The biggest issue with a bicornuate uterus is a very high chance of breech, and I was prepared (and even a little excited) for that possibility. However, my baby was head down at 22 weeks and stayed firmly that way. Probably for the best, I didn't need another thing for my mind to focus on.
Time went on, I stayed pregnant with no other major issues, and finally it was time for our birth.
I labored mostly on my own. Every now and then I needed some pressure on my back, but until I started pushing I was good just being left alone. I was laughing and talking until an hour before she was born. Once I started pushing, I needed my husband. He held me while I leaned onto him. I couldn't focus, the only thing I knew was that I needed to push and that baby needed to be out of me. Nothing could have stopped me.
In hindsight, it's probably best we chose to have a freebirth. By the time active labor hit, I would have refused to move, and it was only about 40 minutes later she was born.
The moment she was born was phenomenal. Having had a cesarean, seven losses, and then my body actually did what it was supposed to do was incredible! I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe we actually had a baby.
All the trials, the losses, the four years of trying to get pregnant, and here she was!
Fourteen months later I still am in awe half the time.
I haven't written much on that pregnancy, though I do have my birth story up HERE, and maybe someday I will. That pregnancy tested my faith, my hope, my everything more than anything in my life. Her birth healed it and so much more.
It isn't often that one simple act can change how you see past events, but her birth did that for me. My cesarean is seen in a different light, my losses, our pain. Everything is now different because of her.
Her birth gave me back something I lost a long time ago. Her birth gave me back my hope.
