2 day old Sullivan nursing with the help of a nipple shield
I have to admit that I don't really want to write this post. Well. That's not true. There is a lot I want to say but I'm never sure who it is I need to say it too. Parents? Healthcare providers? Other support people? Or really what exactly I'm trying to do by saying it. Encourage other parents? Call out bad healthcare providers? Challenge those who support pregnant and breastfeeding women to think about things in a different way? Demand better support and care for women and children in general?
What I can be sure of is that by writing this and publishing it online I will no doubt be spending the next few hours/days/weeks moderating comments and emails from people who think I am being hard on or unfairly 'judging' parents who formula feed their babies even though I'm writing this entire paragraph to say that I AM NOT.
What I am doing is addressing some of the suggestions and questions I have been getting since my second son was born 6 months ago. All of which boil down to the same thing. 'Why don't you just switch to formula?'.
A little history: after having breast reduction surgery in my late teens breastfeeding my first son, Oliver, in my early twenties went relatively smoothly, a few bumps in the hospital that resulted in unwanted, coerced and non-evidence-based formula supplementation and latch issues that left us reliant on a nipple shield for over 5 months but over all he gained weight (slowly), blebs & plugged ducts happened here and there but were never serious, and we "successfully" breastfed for over 4 years.
I use the quotations around "successfully" because when I became a doula and learned more about breastfeeding through other birth and lactation professionals I found that many if not all of the trouble my oldest son and I did have could be traced back to a tongue and lip tie. And as it turned out many things I was told were 'normal' or dismissed as 'not a big deal' were actually huge red flags that we had some serious problems. Everyone survived so I'm not going to think on it more than lessons learned, we struggled but we managed and I don't regret it for a moment.
Pregnant with my second son, Sullivan, I did a lot of research, identified the red flags I had missed the first time around and was very glad when a dentist in my area started offering laser frenectomies in his practice.
I cannot begin to say how thankful I am that Sullivan was my second. While Oliver and I had struggled a little and he was, in hind sight, a slower gainer than he should have been, he never lost any weight, he always filled diapers regularly, he was alert and met milestones early or on time.
Sullivan, on the other hand, struggles with the scale constantly, when my supply drops in the slightest he immediately stops dirtying diapers, and he regularly goes through phases of being sleepy at the breast eating just enough to take the edge off his hunger but no more. Had he been my first, had I not known that I was capable of nursing a baby well into childhood, had I been less aware of not only the risks of formula use but the absolute joy that the breastfeeding relationship brings, I would have folded at my ten week midwife appointment when my midwife looked me in the eye and told me no one would blame me for giving up if all the work I was doing to breastfeed became too much for me.
(Note: while that statement may be technically true, that no one would have blamed me and it would be 'ok' to switch, suggesting that, as a professional, to a tired new mom when that's not what she's asked you is about as helpful and supportive as telling a labouring woman it's 'ok' to have an epidural when she has expressed that she wants a natural birth. And if you don't know why THATS not helpful or supportive I suppose I'll have to write a whole other post about it.)
Nursing with a homemade at-the-breast supplementation system
Instead, under the close supervision of an IBCLC, I max out doses of herbs like fenugreek, blessed thistle, alfalfa, fennel, and lemon balm. We limped along with a nipple shield (properly this time) to get him feeding without swallowing too much air and transferring milk effectively, I pumped regularly every day to supplement his intake with an at-the-breast-supplementer off and on for months. I feed him almost hourly at the slightest cue of hunger doing breast compressions to make sure he gets enough without tiring too quickly. I have not used any artificial nipples what so ever, no soothers, no bottles, not even my fingers, if he wants to suck he does it at the breast. I weigh him every day to make sure he's on track. Sullivan has now been to the dentist for frenectomy not once but twice and we have been seeing an osteopath regularly to improve the mobility he needs to feed effectively. He is growing, he is happy and fed, but it doesn't come 'easy' like it did the first time around.
So why do I do it? Why not 'just switch to formula'?
Because to me making the switch to artificial milk should not ever be the first suggestion or made out to be the easiest or best alternative when breastfeeding hits a bump. There are literally dozens of other ways to manage supply issues and other common problems.
Because using artificial milk, even prepared properly (which most people don't), has very real and sometimes serious health risks for both mothers and babies.
Because breast feeding isn't just about health and nutrition. It is an integral part of the way I parent my children. It provides biological protection for my babies in our family bed, it soothes them when they are hurting or teething, it settles them when they're overstimulated, it provides security and builds trust, it forces me to slow down and engage my children even when life gets hectic.
Because becoming reliant on artificial milk would be a huge financial burden on my family, thereby negatively impacting my older child and my family's food security in general.
And mostly because the way we start our life is important. Everyone needs to stop discounting that.
Do I expect that every mother should work as hard as I did to breast feed exclusively no matter her situation or support network? NO, absolutely not, I get that it is my privilege and my connection to a network of well trained birth and lactation professionals that allows me to do so.
But I do expect that every single person who works with, provides any type of care to, or even comes in the slightest contact with mothers and babies understand that when we do things to interfere with or damage the breastfeeding relationship between mother and child we are interrupting vital biological systems that can drastically effect not just the health and development of that baby, but also entire communities. So maybe there is a small part of my brain that just wanted to prove even with multiple factors that can negatively impact breast feeding, bottles and formula don't have to be a part of the management plan.
We need to stop treating breastfeeding like it's a great thing to do 'if it works out', and start treating it like a vital biological system that must be protected and maintained. It isn't binary, and bottles of formula aren't the inevitable conclusion when things don't start off or continue to go well.
In short; If you are a mother who's baby isn't doing well and the only advice you are hearing is EITHER "just keep feeding, just keep feeding, you can do it, he's just small" OR "you're starving/harming your baby, you need to give him formula right now" know that there are amazing care providers out there who can give you real answers and help you find a management plan that will help you achieve YOUR goals. If you are one of the people handing out the above advice on either side, please search out the amazing professionals who have real answers and let them educate you.
"Why not just switch to formula?" Because you don't really have to. Not if that's not what you want, and you can find the right support.
To find a qualified IBCLC you may search for your area at:
Breastfeeding for the first six-ten weeks is hard work and can be very difficult, but if you can keep going out of the newborn period it gets a lot easier, like way easier than bottle feeding. Sure I don't go far from my nursling when I can help it, but that just means I have no period and he's over six months old. Last time it stayed away until my eldest son was over two years old. Think about that! Two extra years without a period AFTER giving birth. Likewise, I don't have to run to the store for formula, no buying bottles, nipples, etc., and no doing extra bottle dishes! When weaning happens on the nursling's terms there are less tears and struggle, too.
Lazy reason: I am too lazy to run to the nursery all the way across the house for every single infant wake up. I tried it with my eldest and I am too tired for that crap. Besides, I get more sleep and so does the baby if we don't have to wake up fully to start nursing. Insert boob in baby mouth half asleep and we both drift off while nursing. Voila! Baby fed and mama gets as much sleep as possible. Bonus: I don't have to play the "is the baby asleep enough to be put back in the crib thing" every single wake up and I have sweet baby snuggles nightly.
Since I'm avoiding the store by not running out for formula all the time, I'm certainly not going to run out for diapers! Also, I clean diapers about every other day which means I'm only doing three extra loads a week in addition to the fifteen million loads I'm already doing as a mom of a four year old and a six month old. Additionally, between not having formula cans or diapers and diaper boxes to throw away, I don't have any extra trash to take out. Good for the environment? Perhaps. One less thing I have to do all the time? Definitely. Besides, cloth diapers are really freaking cute.
I can buy baking soda, distilled white vinegar, borax, oxyclean free and clear, Castile soap and blue dawn in bulk and clean everything from the toilet to my baby for months. Throw in coconut oil and my shopping other than for strictly foods to eat is pretty much done, and half of these cleaning products I can also use IN DINNER if I need to! Meanwhile, I almost never have to use my inhaler to clean the bathroom or the kitchen anymore AND I am not really worried if the children get under the bathroom sink and break into the vinegar and baking soda.
So, there you have it! I am not an earth goddess busting my butt to save Mother Earth and enslaving myself to my children, I'm really a proponent of "work smarter not harder," now if you'll excuse me I have cloth diapers to fold with my four year old while eating organic "you pick" apples and watching "Downton Abbey" while I'm wearing my baby to sleep.
“Often, mothers see
breastfeeding as martyrdom to be endured for their baby's health. If they stop
early, they may feel guilty about depriving the baby of some health benefits,
but their guilt is often soothed by well-meaning people who reassure them that
‘The baby will do just as well on formula.’ Perhaps if they knew that
continuing to breastfeed is also good for their own health, some mothers might
be less likely to quit when they run into problems.” La Leche League
International
When I gave up on breastfeeding my son at just four days
old, I felt like I had failed him. I felt guilty, I felt inadequate, I felt
like I wasn’t doing what was best for him. What I didn't realize at the time
is that in giving up breastfeeding, I failed myself, as well. I didn’t do what
was best for me.
I’ve learned so much about parenting since my son, but one
of the most important areas of education for me has been breastfeeding. We all
hear about how many amazing benefits breastfeeding has for babies; but we don’t
often (or at least, not often enough, in my opinion) highlight the very many
benefits it has for mothers, as well.
Oxytocin. After
birth, putting baby to breast releases this remarkable hormone which not only
signals the breasts to release milk (let down), but also produces contractions
which help the uterus shrink back to its pre-pregnancy state. Oxytocin is also
known as a “feel good” hormone, and the more your body releases, the more
relaxed and content you feel. It’s released each time your baby latches on.
Reduces the risk of
breast, uterine, and ovarian cancer. The female body produces less estrogen
when it’s lactating, and studies suggest that less estrogen decreases the
chances of cancer occurring. Chances of breast cancer in particular can be
decreased by as much as 25 percent. The longer a mother breastfeeds, the lower
the risk of cancer.
Lower rates of
postpartum depression. Studies have shown that women who breastfeed have
lower rates of anxiety and stress.
I’d like to add that these are merely studies—I know that
every woman who breastfeeds does not avoid PPD, and in fact have known mothers who
experienced PPD because of their negative experiences with early
breastfeeding. But I firmly believe that breastfeeding is not to blame—rather,
lack of real support, education, and the presence of booby traps are the
culprits. This was my experience with my first born, and I’ve seen it happen to
other women as well.
Interruption of
menses. Alright, this isn’t necessarily a huge deal for everyone, but it
has been for me! I didn’t get my period until my first daughter was a year old;
my baby is almost five months old, and I’m still happily period-free. It’s said
that this is nature’s birth control, but I wouldn’t bank on that, since you can
easily get pregnant even when you’re not menstruating.
Burn, baby, burn. Breastfeeding
on demand can burn as many as 500 calories a day! It’s been shown that
breastfeeding mothers tend to return to their pre-pregnancy weight more easily.
I mention the above cautiously, because this is not the case
for everyone. In fact, the body tends to hold on to a few extra pounds (to keep
up milk production) while breastfeeding, and based on how much weight you
gained during pregnancy, your body type, etc., you may not reach your
pre-pregnancy weight for some time (if at all). And there is absolutely nothing
wrong with that. Rigid dieting during breastfeeding not only runs the risk of
interfering with your milk supply, it’s unhealthy for you, as your body will
take what it needs to nourish your baby and leave you with little else.
That said, though I don’t believe that weight loss should be
motivation to breastfeed, it’s an awesome side effect if it works out for you
(and if it doesn’t, just look at the list above! There are still so many
amazing benefits!).
Other benefits include lowered
risk of osteoporosis, lowered risk of type 2 diabetes, lowered risk of
cardiovascular disease, and lowered
risk of rheumatoid arthritis.
Lastly, breastfeeding
is free. I’ve done it both ways, and even with the purchase of breast pads,
a breast pump, some pump accessories, and a few bottles, I have spent close to
nothing breastfeeding my daughters, compared to the hundreds of dollars I spent
formula feeding my son—and we switched to cow’s milk when he turned one.
Continuing on with “toddler” formula doubles, even triples the cost, depending
on how long the formula is used.
I believe that if this information were made more readily
available to pregnant mothers, they would be twice as likely to breastfeed—or
at least stick with it when it gets a bit hard. After nine months of pregnancy
and a difficult birth, I felt like I had given so much to my son, and I couldn’t
give any more. I was so tired, and I was so stressed. Even though I knew I
could do better than formula for him, had I been aware of how good
breastfeeding was for me, it would
have given me the motivation to keep going.
When you’re in over your head with a new baby, losing sleep,
grappling with new emotions, a new body, and a completely different life, it
can indeed feel like martyrdom to continue breastfeeding your baby. If every
woman had this information at her fingertips, maybe she would feel empowered
and supported to keep on going.
I am the proof. Though much of my confidence has come from
the wisdom of having more than one child, most of my peace and contentment has
come from the way I parent; from the things I’ve done differently, and better. Breastfeeding is at the top of the list.
It started with an idea, I planted the seed and I'm watching it grow.
I had this little idea that I could make a big change in the world if I was able to gather amazing breastfeeding photos of women of all sizes, shapes, colours and with breastfeeding children of all ages, and turn them into something beautiful. I wanted it to be a grassroots project with photos of real women breastfeeding their often hilarious children. I wrote a little blog post, and shared online. I created an email account to receive the photos and it's grow faster than I can imagine.
Women from all over the world are submitting their photos into this breastfeeding project, and I'm not sure how I will ever choose between 10-20 to use in print - I'm still keeping the end product under wraps as I work out how I will finance this project, but that isn't stopping women submitting them. I started a facebook account for women to share their photos of them breastfeeding their children that weren't good enough quality for the finished print version and it's beautiful seeing what it has become. The wall is filled with photos and people wanting to know how they can be a part of this project.
Start Something Beautiful will be a grassroots breastfeeding activism project, that will go to print in November, and pre-sale will begin in the Autumn of 2012. I hope that it will be a huge worldwide success and fill the days of people around the world with the sweetest images of love at its purest. The only incentive these amazing women had to share their images is knowing that they could win a free copy if their images was chosen - and they don't even know what the free copy is of! Women truly are opening their hearts, knowing that someone with a passion for changing the world, one woman at a time would do great work with what they share. I'm in awe.
I want to include photos of twins, and tandem nursing, adoptive nursing, relactation breastfeeding, breastfeeding while babywearing, in cloth diapers or while practicing elimination communication, brand new babies, long lanky children, on top of a mountain, in the ocean, women of colour, women of all shapes and sizes! I want to make it feel totally acceptable, to embrace everyone, to make breastfeeding seem normal.
As a huge believer in seeing breastfeeding will help improve the breastfeeding rates and to help re-normalize breastfeeding. I hope that Start Something Beautiful inspires new mothers to try breastfeeding who may not have otherwise, or to give women who think she is the only person in the world nursing her 3 year old a sense of deep belonging. I want to celebrate the beauty that is breastfeeding in an accessible and daily way.
So, please excuse me while I go calculate wholesale costs for your Midwifery office, and work out shipping costs for my new friends and collaborators around the world. Pre-sales of Start Something Beautiful will be available shortly....as will the reveal of what exactly this project is.
I hope you'll submit a photo, join the facebook group, tell your friends and support breastfeeding pairs in all the ways you can.
I am still amazed by how wonderful Stephanie Casemore has been through this. It shows through the kindness in her book and through the emails sent. I have never met an author that truly cares about this topic more than her.
Here is the Q&A between Stephanie and myself and after, there is a giveaway so you can win your own copy of her new book, Breastfeeding, Take Two!
1. In the book, you discussed many times how your nursing relationship with your son in ways made you more determined to nurse your next child. How did you personally prepare for your next experience?
A good deal of my personal preparations for my second breastfeeding experience came through the research and education I gained writing my first book, Exclusively Pumping Breast Milk. When my son was born, I had no understanding of lactation and how milk supply was initiated or controlled. Exclusively pumping for a year, and the subsequent research for my book, filled in many of the gaps in my knowledge.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I spent a lot of time reading about “normal” birth and really focused a lot of my preparation there. The birth experience has a great impact on breastfeeding initiation, and the more I read about normal birth, the more I knew that was what I needed. This, I think, also helped to overcome the loss of a “normal” birth the first time around. Books such as Ina May Gaskin’s Ina May’s Guide to Chidbirth helped to reframe my expectations and understand this continuum between birth and breastfeeding, as well as books by other authors such as Michel Odent and Jean Liedloff.
Emotionally, my preparations were a bit more challenging. Writing my first book certainly helped to work through some of the emotions from my first experience, and communicating with many women who were exclusively pumping and grieving their own breastfeeding losses helped me reframe my own experience. I also had a much stronger social support system around me and knew where to go for support. My husband was also able to take a few weeks off work which provided a great deal of support. When my son was born, my husband was in school and so I had been on my own a lot.
Once my daughter was born though, I was really quite unprepared for the resurfacing of emotions left over from the experience with my son. What I thought had been sorted out was clearly still at play.
2. What made you actually sit down and write this book?
That’s a really great question. The idea for the book started to form in 2009, shortly after my daughter weaned. I was likely a bit nostalgic for the breastfeeding relationship that had just ended and beginning to really consider what it meant to me as well as contrasting it to the breastfeeding relationship I had had with my son—or perhaps more accurately with my breast pump and his bottle. It was clear to me that the opportunity to nurse my daughter for three years had really played a pivotal role in healing the remaining hurt and sense of loss I felt over my son’s experience, as well as cementing in my mind the impact of breastfeeding on the mother-baby relationship.
Around that time I also began to recognize a recurring theme in the emails I would receive from mothers who were exclusively pumping and who were looking for information and support; so many women felt a keen sense of loss, an overwhelming sense of guilt, and a fear of what would happen the next time around. This, I realized, was the same experience I had gone through.
When I started searching for books already written on the topic, I realized there were none.
When I did an internet search though, I realized there were many women who were feeling this sense of anxiety about breastfeeding after a difficult experience and these women were posting on various discussion boards looking for information, support, and understanding. Toni Morrison, one of my favourite authors, said, “If there is a book that you really want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” And so, since the book I wanted to read hadn’t yet been written, the idea began to incubate and grow.
I wasn’t sure that what I had to say on the subject was something of value. But finally through communication with a couple women in the lactation community—women I greatly respected for their knowledge and dedication to breastfeeding and their support of mothers—I was encouraged to write the book and decided that I did have something to say. My daughter started kindergarten in the fall of 2010 and it was at that point I started writing in earnest.
3. As you were writing this book, did you wonder if it would be any help to another mother wanting a successful nursing relationship the next time?
Of course! I knew the ideas and information I was pulling together were meaningful to me. All of the research I undertook, and my own experience with my children, kept leading me to the importance of the biological element of breastfeeding, but also highlighting the divide within society that made breastfeeding so challenging. I felt this pull of influences in my own life and experiences, but there is never any way to know if anyone else will see things in the same way. Ultimately, I kept returning to the reminder that teachers often give students: if you are wondering about something, chances are others are too, so go ahead and ask the question or start the discussion. I’m starting the discussion.
4. Your son was born very early, at 31 weeks, and you exclusively pumped for a year. Are there any words of wisdom you can give women that have very premature babies and have the same worries that you did about feeding?
Being the mom of a preemie is hard. Not only do you have the worry of your baby’s health and development, but often there are complications with your own health that led to the premature delivery of your baby. Logistics of hospital visits and work can be challenging. Having to pump with great frequency amid all the other busyness of the day can seem like a monumental task. And often the people around you are completely focused on your baby and forget about the trauma that you have just gone through.
My advice would be to be kind to yourself. Recognize the experience can be very stressful and that you need to care for yourself. Ask for help. Don’t try to do it all. Do kangaroo care with your baby and spend as much time as you can with your baby. Remember that you are your baby’s mother. In the NICU it can seem like you are secondary and if it’s your first baby, it can be a daunting task to jump in and become a mother when your baby is so small and everyone around you seems to know what they are doing. But you were your baby’s home for the months leading up to their birth, and you are still the best, most comfortable home they know. You also have the right to speak up, demand options, ask for clarification, request to actually see the neonatologist, and generally be given a say in your baby’s care.
With regards to feeding specifically, ensure you get excellent information about initiating your milk supply with a pump and be as committed to pumping as possible to prevent difficulties down the road—but recognize that we all have limits. Understand why you are pumping so frequently, and realize that it isn’t going to last forever. Use a hospital grade breast pump, at least in the early weeks. Realize that staff in the NICU are not often breastfeeding specialists. Ask to see a lactation consultant early on. Be patient when you begin nursing your baby and allow your baby to set the schedule. I highly recommend the work of Dr. Suzanne Colson (biological nurturing) and Dr. Christina Smillie (baby-led latching) as methods to approach breastfeeding. While it is exhausting pumping every two hours around the clock in the early days, it will help to ensure you establish a strong milk supply, and a strong milk supply will ensure that you have options down the road.
5. In the book you talk about how throughout your life you never truly saw breastfeeding. Most children now are still at that disadvantage. Are they any ways mothers can show their children and help them understand that nursing is a completely normal activity, especially if the women themselves have had trouble nursing subsequent children?
This is such a challenging area. Formula and baby bottles are so ingrained in our society that most little girls grow up knowing and understanding the use of a bottle, yet not having a true understanding of the biological purpose of breasts! In my own experience, I do a few things. The first is that I try not to miss out on an opportunity to talk about breastfeeding and “normal” infant feeding with both of my children. I always throw away the baby bottle that comes with dolls and will often say to my daughter that the doll doesn’t need that because a baby has their mommy’s milk. My daughter likes Dora and I’m always annoyed with the story when Dora becomes a big sister because Dora immediately helps to feed her new brother and sister by bottle. I will usually question my kids as to why the mother wouldn’t nurse her new babies. Formula advertising on television is another thing I usually make a comment about—although that is usually an angry rant!
These may seem like small things, but they are meaningful. And it is important to emphasize with all children the idea of breastfeeding as “normal”, regardless of whether they were breastfed, or whether they saw their siblings breastfeeding. My daughter who was breastfed will just as readily grab for a bottle for a doll as will any of her friends who may not have been breastfed. This is a social issue, not a personal issue, and the power of the media is overwhelming to our children.
Generally, I think it is important to have open communication and not shy away from talking about breastfeeding with our children. If we want our society to see it as normal, we need to treat it as normal with our children. Also encouraging other forms of nurturing—holding, babywearing, responsiveness, co-sleeping—in our children can help them understand breastfeeding as one method of many for nurturing our babies.
If breastfeeding challenges arise again with another child, talk about it with your older child. Explain the situation. Explain that because of difficulties you have to feed formula and that it’s good that we have formula for times like these, but that many mommies breastfeed their babies. Young children understand more than we think they will.
How can we show breastfeeding to our children? I think the best way is to be a supporter of other women who are breastfeeding. Encourage and support mothers who you know and even say a word of encouragement to a woman you might see in public nursing her child. Speak to your government representatives about rights for breastfeeding mothers. Encourage and support businesses that make it easy for moms to breastfeed without relegating them to a closet in the back; and likewise, let businesses that treat breastfeeding mothers as second-class citizens know that they need to change their ways. In order to give our children the opportunity to see breastfeeding as normal, we have to support breastfeeding as normal in our society. They will never see it if it’s not there! One thing I would like to see in every school is a meaningful unit in health class on mothering and breastfeeding, for teen girls and well as boys. Our children will never see breastfeeding until we demand change in our society.
We need to do a better job of talking about breastfeeding in our society. Too often it becomes a formula vs. breastfeeding debate, but this isn’t useful. It’s not an either/or discussion. If children grow up with the knowledge that babies nurse at their mothers’ breast and that formula should be a life-saving intervention when needed, then breastfeeding will be seen as normal.
A number of year ago when I started to look around my own world and consider how I talked about breastfeeding, I realized that I too saw it as an option and spoke about it as a choice, not as the biologically normal way to feed a baby. And while I am by no means a prude, I saw breasts not as a nurturing aspect of a woman, but as the sexualized object my society suggests they are every day in film, on television, in magazine, and in fashion. This is a belief that I have had to question and examine, and ultimately change, since having my own children. Changing your own perspective, and then simply talking with your kids when the opportunity presents itself, will help change our children’s view of breastfeeding.
6. While pregnant, even if they don't have any children, how can a woman know what kind of support she will need after birth so she can find it?
Support is important and there are different types of support everyone needs. Most importantly every woman needs support that is in line with her goals and support people who will respect her goals. There are a few types of support that I think every woman needs, regardless whether this is your first baby or not.
You need to have your doctor on board—or at least know ahead of time that they will not be the source of support you need. Every woman should evaluate her doctor in terms of breastfeeding knowledge and support. Dr. Jack Newman has a great handout on how to know if your doctor is breastfeeding friendly. It is important to realize that not all doctors are breastfeeding friendly, just like not all people are breastfeeding friendly.
You need the support of your nuclear family. Ensure your partner and older children are aware of your intentions to breastfeed, what that will mean in terms of your time and schedule, and how they can help you. Fathers play a large role in breastfeeding success and can be great supporters through difficulties.
You need the support of your extended family and friends. Have an honest discussion with your family and friends. Let them know how important it is to have their support after your baby is born, but also let them know how important breastfeeding is to you and your baby. Ask them not to intervene or offer advice that is not supportive of that goal. Making it clear ahead of time may help to ease any hurt feelings after the baby is born if you need to stand up for yourself or ask someone to stop offering advice.
You need logistical support. Gather a list of friends and family you can call on to help with life: cleaning, shopping, childcare, cooking. While maybe you won’t need this kind of help, you’ll appreciate having it prearranged if you do. It’s unfortunately that in our society we isolate new mothers and too often new moms are expected to pick up where they left off almost immediately once their babies are born. Focus on your baby for those first few weeks at home and either let the house take care of itself, or allow your family and friends to help out. Giving the services of a housekeeper or a post-partum doula as a shower gift to a new mom would be a great thing for a group of friends or family to offer.
Finally, you definitely need to prepare for specific breastfeeding support. Before the birth of your baby gather as much information about breastfeeding support in your community. Create a list of names, phone numbers, and the services offered—and then call them! I really encourage women to make contact before the birth of their children. Go to a breastfeeding support group and arrange to meet with a lactation consultant. You’ll be more confident and comfortable to call after the birth of your baby if you’ve already forged a relationship. And don’t wait to ask for help. It’s never too early, and much easier to correct problems if they are caught early.
7. How can someone distinguish between the guilt of feeling like a failure and changing their level of satisfaction with their nursing relationship so the feeling of failure disappears?
Guilt is felt because you have done something you know you shouldn’t have, or you have not done something you know you should have. When it comes to breastfeeding, many women say they feel guilty because they should have breastfed but didn’t, or they weaned early and shouldn’t have. Moving past these feelings of guilt requires you to honestly investigate what you did do in the situation.
There are very, very few women that I have met who did not do everything possible to breastfeed. Some women in fact, go above and beyond what anyone who ever expect. Consider what you did do to make breastfeeding work. Consider the information you were given and support you had access to. If you did what you could and tried to access both information and support, then there is no reason to feel guilty. You may feel regret. You may experience grief. You have not failed if you did everything you could to make it work. Only you can determine what “everything” is.
Recognizing your efforts to breastfeed, and also identifying the areas that hindered your breastfeeding relationship, will help you to move beyond feelings of guilt and failure and help you to understand the strength you exhibited in a difficult situation, recognize the areas where you were failed by society, and help you to grow from your experience.
I think a more valid conversation is one of satisfaction as opposed to failure or guilt. Regardless of how long you breastfed, you were a breastfeeding mother if you put your baby to breast after they were born. However, if, for example, you had planned to breastfeed for a year and ended up weaning after only three weeks due to pain or your baby’s poor weight gain, you’re breastfeeding experience will likely not have been a satisfying one.
Satisfaction and feelings of failure are two separate issues. I don’t know if you will ever be able to feel satisfied with an experience that was less than what you had wanted, but you can move past feelings of failure. There is no magic cut off mark that makes you a breastfeeding success or failure. There is no governing body that establishes criteria that conclusively determines your success or failure breastfeeding. Your experience is your experience. Learning from it and making peace with it will allow you to move forward and grow from it. If you don’t have another opportunity to breastfeed, then your experience will inform your choices in other areas of your life, or you will have the opportunity to support women around you who are beginning a breastfeeding relationship. Moving forward from your experience in a positive way and making use of your experience is the best thing you can do to become satisfied with it.
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Now is your chance to win a copy of Stephanie's book! The entries are below, the contest will run from today until the 1st of November, open to those in the US and Canada, and good luck!
I successfully nursed my daughter for nine months, and then again 29 months later for a month. And yet, I still feel like I failed her the first time. I was able to have that re-do with her, but I will never get that first time back.
There is a lot of guilt spread around on mothers that tried their hardest and yet still couldn't reach the personal goals they had set for themselves when nursing their children. A lot of the guilt, especially in the United States, is that they shouldn't have tried so hard since it didn't work anyway. So women wonder what they are doing wrong when they are upset about their lost nursing relationship.
So when you get pregnant again, or if you are even just thinking about another child after a bad nursing experience the first time, do you want to nurse in spite (or because) of that, or has it completely changed your perspective on nursing and it isn't even worth trying the second time?
Stephanie Casemore has written and released a new book, Breastfeeding, Take Two. This book is all about working through the issues of previous nursing experiences and learning how to change them the second time. A lot of what happened in previous nursing experiences can be changed. The issues you had, maybe not so much, but even just having the right support and information can make the world of difference when you are tired and wondering if you can go on.
Trying to make sure I got as much out of this book as I could, and so that I could give a quality review, I read the book three times, with a few days in between each reading so that the information would seem fresh and not rushed. Every time I read this book, the introduction had me in tears.
"Where did I come from?" the baby asked its mother. She answered, half-crying, half-laughing, and clasping the baby to her breast, "You were hidden in my heart as its desire, my darling. You were in the dolls of my childhood games. In all my hopes and my loves, in my life, in the life of my mother, and in her mother before her, you have lived. In the lap of the eternal spirit you have been nursed and nurtured for ages." (page 12)
What a beautiful start to this book. This quote resonated with me like nothing I have heard. I do come to this in a different way, and a lot of this information I felt mirrored infertility and wanting another child. Some of the parts were so beautiful, but none more than this quote.
The biggest feelings of guilt from a mother that felt she had failed herself and her baby when breastfeeding didn't work out how she dreamed just don't go away. These last from one child to the next. Every breastfeeding relationship is new and different, even if you have successfully nursed before, but one of the major pitfalls is thinking that you did something wrong.
However, having looked at the subject from every angle, I've come to one conclusion: there is no such thing as breastfeeding failure. In truth, the only differentiation that is valid is "did" and "did not". The reasons for not meeting your breastfeeding goals are varied, but if you attempted to breastfeed - regardless of how long you actually breastfed - then you were a breastfeeding mom.
The real issue is one of satisfaction. Success and failure is far to black and white for such a complex activity. You either did or did not breastfeed and within that black and white division there is a range of satisfaction.
If you are ultimately unsatisfied with your experience, then it is likely that you feel as though you didn't achieve success with breastfeeding: you failed. But this ignores all you did do and the knowledge you gained - knowledge you will take with you to breastfeed the second time around. Life is merely an accumulation of experiences and growing in them is all we can hope to do. Even one day of nursing your newborn makes you a breastfeeding mom. Although it isn't likely what you intended and as a result therefore not a satisfying experience. (page 15-16)
This topic is said many times throughout the book. As a mother that feels she failed at breastfeeding, I really needed to be told multiple times that I didn't fail. Normally repetition becomes stale, but in this book, and for mothers that had issues previously, need to be told over and over that they did nothing wrong. For most women that "failed" at breastfeeding, they tried for a very long time to keep it going. Pumping, herbs, every tiny thing that could help their milk supply or the issues they had, most have tried them all. How, in any sense of the word, does that make you a failure? If you try everything and it still doesn't work, you tried harder than most. Be proud of yourself, you really and truly did everything you could.
Another thing she really talks about through most of the book is how society has failed nursing mothers in every step and in every sense. We are caught between what is socially accepted (formula) and what is frowned upon and looked at as abnormal (breastfeeding). Everywhere you look, baby symbols point to staying away from the breast. Invitations to baby showers and gift bags all have bottles and pacifiers. Bottles and formula are handed out like candy on Halloween at the hospital and at baby showers. When a woman has issues breastfeeding, one of the biggest pieces of advice she gets is to "just switch to formula, don't try so hard." We are told to go against our biology and physiology and accept societies view without comment. This is not natural nor normal. So many women end up feeling like failures because of this struggle between their natural instincts and society's expectations.
One of the biggest issues I have had with with the slogan "Breast Is Best" is completely addressed in this book. By saying that breastmilk is best, you are in effect saying that formula is okay in comparison. Breastmilk is the best thing for a baby, but it is also the most natural thing for a baby. Breast isn't best. It is the biological normal. Formula is and always will be an artificial substance, and by putting breastmilk in the running, formula seems like a normal alternative, as if it is a completely normal option to take. "Breast Is Best" is an amazing slogan, but with just this slogan, we are giving no information to help new mothers breastfeed.
With breastfeeding comes so many issues, mostly from the outside. The lack of information, lack of support, and the social pressure and influence all make breastfeeding so much harder. Most go into their first nursing relationship thinking it will be such a natural thing and there won't be a learning curve. This is very far from the majority of stories. Breastfeeding takes time, patience, and a lot of information and help.
Stephanie discusses how most providers and nurses are not trained in breastfeeding. Yes, they understand how it works, but they are not prepared for any of the issues encountered, and a lot don't even know how to help achieve a good latch. When 99% of the women in the United States are having their babies in the hospital with illtrained or untrained providers, no wonder only 33% are still breastfed at 3 months, and 13% are exclusively breastfed at six months!
She discusses how being prepared with a provider that can help with breastfeeding after birth can be one of the biggest factors in choosing your provider for pregnancy. That is one thing I had never thought about before. When you interview providers, everything with how pregnancy and birth is handled and discussed, bur nursing is passed over. The truth is that nursing is just an extension of pregnancy and birth! Every intervention in birth has an outcome with your nursing relationship. Drugs, medications, induction, vaginal vs cesarean, if your baby is bathed before birth or a hat put on their head, all of these have a way of interfering with your nursing relationship.
In ways, it goes more than finding a good provider. You need to find support before you even have your baby from those around you. Find a lactation consultant that you trust and that is truly able to help you before pregnancy. Find other mothers that have breastfed and know what they are talking about. Find someone you can call in the middle of the night when you are exhausted and need help. Don't settle. This is your relationship with your baby, no one else's. If someone isn't helping or didn't fully help in the past, you do not have to go back to them. Proper support is crucial to a breastfeeding relationship, so find it before you are even nursing.
One other big thing in this book is how wanting an outcome doesn't guarantee this outcome. Now, I do have issue with this in some ways because hope can make you keep trying and finding more information. You should always go into a situation with hope as a shield, even if that means you will get hurt from it. When you lose your hope, you lose what you wanted to feel. But, I do believe that having only hope can be detrimental, and you need to arm yourself with education and preparation. You need to be completely educated and prepared, especially if you have had a bad nursing experience previously.
Part One of this book is all about causes, ways it has shaped you, society's impact, and our conscious effort. Part Two is about how we can make our next experience better. There is a lot of overlap between the two sections, but that is how it should be.
When you have exhausted your resources, and done all you can do, there is no reason to feel guilty. As new mothers, we do what we believe is right at the time. There is no guilt in that. (page 109)
As mothers, we judge ourselves too harshly. It is just what we do. We try so hard to be perfect and do what is perfect for our children. There is nothing wrong with this. However, we need to cut ourselves some slack. Being a mother is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be.
Every child is different, as is every situation. Having a bad experience doesn't mean they will all be that way. There are so many factors that influence every bit of a situation, and realizing that you have done nothing wrong is a step we all need to take. Nursing again is something to be strived for, sought after, and I really believe that women that have had a bad experience previously can truly benefit from this book.
I was able to let go of some of my feelings of failure just from reading this book. There are so many tips in this book, and I wish I could write them all down. This post is already so long, but I leave with one final word.
One experience does not foreshadow the next. Believe in yourself and your ability. Believe that breastfeeding is the biological normal for mothers and babies. Arm yourself with information and support prior to pregnancy. Find women that can help you before you even have issues. Be prepared.
The views in this review are my own, mixed with information from the book.
Next Tuesday, I will be posting a Q&A with Stephanie, and a giveaway for one lucky person to be able to win this book.
Yesterday on Facebook, my friend posted a link to a post on wet nursing by Dr Momma. This mom nursed another woman's baby during a playgroup, and later she was kicked out of the group because she nursed another woman's baby.
My first thought was how incredibly backward this thinking is!
Then I started to truly think about it.
In the United States (and some other places around the world), breastfeeding is something that women are supposed to do in private. It's an "embarrassing" act, seen as completely sexual, and we shun the women that dare nurse in public or past one year. On top of that, the idea of milk sharing is more taboo! You can't share your milk with another woman, that's just gross!
What makes nursing and wet nursing so disgusting to people? Is it the idea of nursing in general, or the idea of nursing a baby that isn't your own?
I admit, when I was nursing my daughter, I knew that that was okay, but the idea of nursing a baby that wasn't my own did creep me out. I didn't have any actual reasons for feeling this way, but I think it has the same basis in why I used a blanket to cover myself to be discreet and why I thought that nursing toddlers was disgusting and creepy. Breastfeeding, even though I knew it was the best food for my child, was still a little bit gross. Someone was attached to my body for multiple hours every day, sucking out bodily fluid, and no matter how natural that was, I was embarrassed.
The mother in this playgroup did something that I wish I had had the courage and understanding to do when I nursed my daughter for the first time. She nursed someone else's child because another mother needed help!
How many of us have had issues breastfeeding, and just wished that we had someone that could help? When your child is crying and refusing to latch and you are so frustrated, how amazing would it be to have a woman that is nursing her own child come by, give your baby a little bit of milk, and then show you how to latch on your baby while you both are calm! I was always amazed how tense I could get when my daughter would cry and how much longer it took for me to get a good latch with her. I was always able to get her latched, but having another woman there to help me would have been invaluable.
When my daughter and I started nursing again (we originally weaned at nine months, and 29 months later we rekindled our nursing relationship while I was pumping and donating milk), the idea of wet nursing felt amazing. Just like nursing a toddler, the idea of wet nursing grew on me. Just think, instead of taking time to pump and store milk, the baby can get it straight from the tap! No freezer, thawing, or bottles, just the ease of that makes it so much more worth it!
I read stories from other countries where women nurse each other's children, where this is normal, and it makes me sad that we don't feel this way in the United States. We drink milk from cows and goats, and yet milk that women make with their own bodies, milk that is made specifically for humans, we shun.
Just like nursing your own child, nursing another child isn't wrong. We were made to raise our children in villages, with tons of support, and wet nursing comes with that. The human race would not have survived this long without the support of other nursing mothers.
Wet nursing isn't wrong. Wet nursing isn't something to be shunned or thought of as disgusting. If a mother is nursing her own child and the other mother is okay with the help, no one else should be involved in this. No one else should be butting their head into this amazingly selfless act.
Just like nursing your own child, it should only be up to you and your baby, not outsiders that don't understand you and your situation.
Today was a beautiful day in Virginia! The weather was perfect and the sun was shining. I was up until about 2 a.m. working on a cake for a friend's 'Blessingway'. I (attempted) a henna inspired design of hot pink on chocolate fondant... the cake smelled so good the entire time I was working on it and during the car ride today!
Ben & I packed up the kids (& the cake) and headed out around noon. We dropped off the cake and were on our way to a Celtic festival being held about an hour and a half away. The kids took the ride as an opportunity to nap thankfully.
This post could also be titled: "Short & Sweet Saturday"...
I've been thinking since Wednesday what I could write to follow up to "Things...". I actually have some thoughts-- including my husband's reaction to that blog & my reaction to his reaction-- I know that sounds weird, but his take surprised me and I realized I hadn't heard his entire thought on the subject before.
Anyway-- that'll probably be next Wednesday's blog..
Today (tonight?) I'm keeping it short & sweet. I had a wedding cake delivery today, dinner with my father-in-law & sister-in-law (and kids & hubby-- who were all with me on my cake delivery-- can we say "STRESS"!?), so I'm wiped out.
This morning, my 3.5 year old pulled a 'Guggie' on me. This is my new term for when someone says something so obvious.. so evident.. so TRUE.... (like Guggie Daly's quote about circumcision).
She asked to 'boo' today. This has been going on the past week, as she's been battling some germies and has asked for (& been granted) 'boo'.
Chloe was taken aback, as she hasn't been around for this sporadic un-weaning. She said to Marley, "Don't you want 'egular' milk?" (yes, Mo calls white milk 'egular as opposed to chocolate milk).
Marley looked at Chloe & without missing a beat says...... wait for it...... this kid, in her infinite wisdom responds (loudly)........
"Boo *is* 'egular milk!"
(insert jawdrop & beams of sunshine from me).
She then told Chloe that "it's sweet & yummy" & that "it makes you feel better and not sick".
My kid at 3.5 years old knows what lactivists everywhere have been trying to say for ages...
Breastfeeding is NORMAL. It is 'regular'! Cow milk for baby cows, human milk for baby humans & all that jazz.
I have never been so proud of a child as I was in that moment!!
My Little Lactivist 2008
Well... there was the day I came downstairs to this.... ;o) Have a great weekend, everyone!
I hope you all have had a good week! Most of the kiddos are back to school (whether at home or otherwise) and starting to get back to a routine.
I had the pleasure of making a cake for my grandparent's 50th anniversary and spent the day with them.
Marley is doing well with preschool two days a week and I've adjusted pretty well, too! My sister in law is great at keeping in touch with me and letting me know how the day went, but allows the other teacher(s) in the class to be Marley's 'buddy' at school. It's great because it has meant that family time remains family time.
Killian and I are getting accustomed to some one on one time, but he sure is happy to see his sister at the end of the day.
Chloe seems to be adjusting to 3rd grade seamlessly, and her teacher is very nice.
"Back to school" of course means change of seasons & allergies along with germies in general. Mo has the sniffles, so do I, and Chloe has that plus a cough. Killian has 'teethed' on his middle finger until he developed paronychia. After a few mommy tricks, it wasn't getting any better & now he's on antibiotics.
As usual, one of my 'mommy tricks' was breastmilk. There's not much that happens around here that I don't try milk for.
Just a few months ago, Chloe was complaining of an itchy eye. It had her miserable and whiny and finally I convinced her to try 'boo'. She freaked at first when I walked in with the dropper, "I don't want boo juice in my EYYYYYYYYYYE!", but begrudgingly admitted that it helped. When she woke up in the morning --miracle of miracles-- her eye was fine.
Not long after that, my mom sent Ben home with a proposed barter. Deviled eggs from her in exchange for boo. *Uhm-- I can get with that!!* I expressed into a medicine syringe and he walked it down the street. He returned with deviled eggs as promised. :o) Turns out she was having some issues with vertigo and had heard me say that breast milk could help with ear infections. I couldn't turn up anything for vertigo specifically on Google, but she claims it did help.
I've been known to leave in my contacts longer than I should and irritate my eyes. I find even drops marketed for sensitive eyes to sting me, so whenever that happens, I use boo.
Stuffy nose on a baby? Squirt some boo up there. Scraped knees? Boo on a bandaid. I began breaking out on my face something terrible so ya know what I did? Oh yeah-- boo.
Today I found myself Googling 'breast milk wart' as Chloe has her second one. The first was a tiny little thing on the inner rim of her ear which was frozen at home without incident. This one has proven much more difficult. Evidently, there has been some research about breast milk and warts and even a cream at one point.
I find myself having moments of worry-- what about when I don't make boo anymore? What will we do for a case of after hours pink eye?
My mom & I joked about freezing bags full of tiny cubes that could be removed as needed. I'm still waiting for the day when Ben has to ask for a boo cure!
Do you use breast milk for things other than nourishment? How far do you take 'human milk for humans'? Do you pump for kiddos that have weaned and now eat solids and use a cup? (I admit-- I've added Ovaltine to boo once for Marley.) Is it for immunity or nutrients? Do you or someone else in your house drink/use it? Have you used breast milk for a remedy I haven't listed?
