Parenting: The Ultimate Destruction of Perfection

I had 38 weeks of almost perfect mothering.  I didn't scream, yell, or scar my child in any way.  I may not have eaten has healthy as I should have, but other than that I was golden.  I remember thinking about that.  I remember savoring what it felt like to be a perfect mother with a spotless record, knowing it was all going to end because my water had just broken the night before.  The next day, I gave birth and I immediately started making mistakes.  This is what being a parent is really about: giving up any chance of perfection.

As a child, adolescent, and even young adult, I was a bit of a perfectionist.  I only did what I was really good at and if I wasn't fairly sure I wouldn't be pretty good at it, I didn't do it at all. Sometimes, it held me back.  There were things I wanted to learn, but I *knew* that I wouldn't be great at them, so I was too embarrassed to try them too often.  I used to watch the food network and Top Chef and I desperately wanted to learn how to cook, but really cooking stressed me out so I stuck to very simple meals and became very edgy and grumpy when I did try to stretch myself.  If it didn't turn out like the recipe, I panicked and felt incredibly embarrassed.  I only cooked things for people I knew I could cook reasonably well, and when in doubt, I'd suggest we go out or order in.  In college, I majored in something I loved, but also that I knew I could succeed in.  Partly it was because of my passion, partly it was because of my fear of failure.  Before anyone ever came over, I cleaned feverishly.  I agonized over what I would say when I met people or what we would talk about when we spent time together.  (Actually, that was a waste of time because I always felt afterward that I had said all the wrong things, anyway.)  I always wanted a clean slate and to do things right.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that motherhood is the antithesis of all that.  With children, you learn quickly that no one can ever be "on" 24 hours a day.  There is no planning what you can and will say for every situation because children are completely unpredictable.  You can mess up horribly, horrifically, in ways that are sure to lead your children into years of therapy, but you can't even allow yourself an hour to obsess about it because they still need you to take care of them moments later and there is no escaping the mess you just made.  You have to face it and move on, immediately.  Everyday, I feel like I live a thousand books or movies on parenting and about half are tales of triumph and the other half are cautionary tales like "Mother Dearest."  My first year as a mother was demoralizing because I had to let go of any idea that I ever would be "great" or "perfect" again.  Even in my physical body!  I have never had a very attractive appearance ("okay" would probably be my highest rating) and, honestly, I probably have a better chance of getting in shape now than I ever did in the past, but there were features I liked about myself back then, my hair among them and wouldn't you know as soon as I had my first baby, I found I immediately had some gray hair!  And saying/doing the right thing all the time and trying to be the "perfect" mother?  Forget it, I could barely function at all on the ten minutes of sleep it seemed like I was getting at night.  I was so sleep deprived by the time I reached the six month mark that I lost my ability to make short term memories.  People came to visit and we went places with them and less than a year later, I DIDN'T REMEMBER anything about the visit because I had not been able to form any memories I was so sleep deprived.  My quest for perfection had to end and the world actually got a little better when it did.

For one thing, I can cook now.  After having to change my diet dramatically to nurse both of my sons, and having to juggle multiple food allergy issues, I had no choice but to cook.  My meals aren't always glamorous or perfect the first time out, but they have gotten better and, after working through what was a surprisingly short period of mistakes and unimpressive entrees, they have become not only healthier, but actually quite good.  I'll never be a chef-testant, but I am probably a better cook than a great many people out there and my food (even with all its food allergy restrictions) tastes a lot better than what I was eating before.  For another thing, even though I probably mess up more on a lot more important things, I'm much better at letting things go and starting over.  Are there days when I miss those fantastic 38 weeks of mothering perfection?  Sure.  I was an excellent mother before I had kids, full of patience, wisdom, tolerance, and creativity.  But like all perfect things, it wasn't real.  It wasn't tangible.  I could think about it and plan for it, but I couldn't snuggle up with it and kiss away tears with it like I can real motherhood.  So, as much as I might romanticize making a new start to parenting and doing it better this time, I know in my heart that I've done the best I can with who I am every step of the way and that has involved some pretty stomach wrenching mistakes and some serendipitous triumphs.  Everyday, I learn a little better how to embrace them both and lessen the former while enjoying the latter.

I used to dream of accomplishing great things and leaving a legacy that could stand for years.  I was obsessed about it.  Motherhood has taught me to accomplish small things with great love.  My new goal is to try to create ripples of kindness that can echo throughout the lives of my children (and if I'm lucky) their children and maybe their children's children.  Even if no one remembers my name anymore, I hope that I can pour enough imperfect kindness and love into my children so that they will feel empowered to pour their own imperfect kindness and love into the world.

Now, I'm off to make a few hundred more mistakes today. . . and if I'm lucky, a few hundred and one more miraculously good moments.

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

yoga: a personal persuit becomes a bonding experience

After I had Gwen, I lost myself in motherhood a bit. There is no denying that you change, on a very profound level when you become a parent. After a year, I knew I had to do some work to find balance in my new life. I needed to make sure that I was caring for myself, and addressing my own needs, not just Gwen's. I started going out with girlfriends for occasional dinners, and started volunteering with a state park clean up once a month. About 9 months ago, I added yoga to my weekly routine, and it has quickly become one of the most crucial ways that I find balance in this mommy life of mine. I only attend a formal class once a week, but it is one night a week to focus solely on me, and my emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

This, and more amazingly gorgeous family yoga pictures, can be found here.

Recently though, I decided it might be fun to share what has become a passion of mine. Not that one night a week - that is still mine, and mine alone - but yoga in general. Gwen has shown a curiosity in this pursuit that keeps me out past her bedtime regularly, so when she asked me about it a few weeks ago, I decided to ask her if she wanted me to show her what yoga was. She was very excited about the prospect and quickly soaked up each position I showed her. At first, it was just something that she brought up sporadically, but once she started showing her school teachers different positions (her favorites are tree and wheel), I thought it was time to make this something more regular. I have a family yoga DVD in hand that I can't wait to show Gwen.

At first it seemed funny to me that something which brings me so much joy as a personal pursuit would be something that is such a joy to share with Gwen as well. Honestly though, when we love something we want to share it with the world, and that's what Gwen is to me. The benefits are numerous as well. Gwen's knowledge of my practice was important to me, because I want her to be aware from a young age that my physical health is a priority; I want physical activity and healthy pursuits to be a focus of hers. There is so much pressure on girls to look a certain way, but this has a different focus - feeling healthy. Our conversations are never about how I do this to fit into my pants, or so I don't get fat, since that is not at all what it is about; our conversations are about how yoga helps me to feel healthy, strong, and gives me more energy for other types of play.


As we continue to explore this passion, I hope Gwen will find, as I have, that she is becoming more in tune with and more aware of her body. I want her to be proud of what her body is capable of, and to understand that with practice and patience, that capability can grow.

real mom confessions

My good friend and momspiration, Elise, recently did a post on her True Confessions. They were great. So honest, and so damn spot on! So, here are my real mom confessions:

Source

1. I consider it a parenting success that my daughter loves Edward Sharpe and the Magnificent Zeros, and calls Home "her song." Similarly, I was a little annoyed when she loved a CD of kitschy children's songs we were gifted (don't worry, I didn't share my annoyance with her!).

2. I do my best to get Gwen to eat a good variety of foods... but nights are rushed to begin with, so if she's begging for pasta, again, sometimes its just easier to eat pasta. Again. But we always have a fruit or veggie too.

3. I love spending time with my daughter, love playing games with her, but when she breaks out the blocks, I pray she asks her dad to help instead of me. I can only "build another house, Mommy" so many times before I just don't want to build another house! I've also hidden books once or twice after we read them 20 times in a row.

4. My husband is much better at the crafting stuff then me too. I'm a little terrified of the mess it would create if we pulled out paint together. 

5. Being married after having a baby(s) is hard. I love my husband, but parenting together is the hardest thing we've ever done.

6. I save way too many of those scribbley pictures that she brings home from daycare.

7. If its a choice between cleaning the house or playing with my girl, I will always chose the later. Yes, my house is messy.

8. I hate hearing that she gave my husband a hard time on a night that I'm out (for work or yoga), but part of me loves hearing how much she missed me. She gets bigger every day, its nice to be needed. And yes, I need those nights to do "me things" too. I don't feel guilty about that.

9. That whiny voice makes me want to pull my hair out.

10. I hope that we can be as close as we are now when she is 16 and beyond. I will always be the mom first, but that doesn't mean I can't want to be a confidant, an enjoyed companion, and yes, a friend, as well.


What are your mom confessions?

Learning from my First Year as a Mother: New Years Resolutions

Every year, no matter what particular new year day we like to pick to ritualize, we find ourselves reflecting on the past and planning for the new start that will come in the next year. Usually, I'll admit, that time for me is in the fall. There is something about the start of the school year (even when you aren't in school), that makes me consider the year as being new, but this year the fall was too busy for my usual reflection and with a new baby on the horizon in 2013, I find myself thinking about these things on actual, regular new year's day.

When I think about the last year, however, I see a lot that was good and a lot that was not so good. All in all, it was a pretty normal year. In the context of the great scheme of my life, I've realized since my son was born that I am in the midst of what will be called the best years of my life. I will likely never be happier than I am right now as a stay at home mom with my child (one day soon, children) with me every day and even with all the hardship, I know that I will always look at these times fondly and will likely wish myself back in them once they are past. In other words, as bad as some days are, I know deep down that it doesn't get better than this. That said, I do seem to remember a lot more of the harder times of my first year experience as a mom of an infant and those memories drive me to reconsider what my second "first year" as a mom will look like, so this year I have resolved not so much to do anything differently, but to try to think of things differently.

This year I resolve:

1. To go to bed early and not look at the clock at night no matter how many times my baby or my three year old wakes me up.

2. To remember that there will be plenty of time to clean the house when both children are over a year old.

3. To accept that I may not be the best mom I can be all the time, but I can keep trying to do the best I can.

4. To not worry so much.

5. To just say how much I love my family whenever I am in doubt of what else to do. Even when my child is in meltdown mode and screaming the opposite, it can't help to remind him that I love him, right? Even when my new baby is screaming and inconsolable, s/he needs to hear that I love him/her regardless, right? I'm sure my husband could use that more than my crazy, sleep deprived crying fits I had last time . . .

6. To let go of any expectations I have of myself or my children to be anything than who they are in the moment. Sure, we are not perfect and sure we will not measure up to others from time to time, but we are who we are and we can love and be loved where we are.

7. To have fun for at least five minutes every day

8. To remember that a year only lasts twelve months, no more and no less. If it seems to be going slow, it's still only twelve months; if it's flying by, it's because it's only twelve months!

9. To forgive myself.

10. To perservere and breathe.

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Attachment Parenting Throughout the Ages

The end of the year is a great time to reflect on what has been, but its also a great time to look ahead. Today, on this last day of 2012, I'm choosing to look years ahead. I was/am blessed to have a Mama that provides an amazing example of what AP can be long after the baby years. I wanted to share that forward perspective with all Connected Mom readers. Here's wishing you a beautiful 2013.

When someone mentions Attachment Parenting, the thing that pops into most people's minds first are breastfeeding, babywearing, and bedsharing. However, as Valerie has pointed out before... AP is more then just breasts, beds, and babyslings! You can do all of those things and not think of yourself as AP, or do none while proudly wearing the label. Not to mention, that while the years when those three things are even an option are fleeting, being AP is something most people can continue for the duration of your baby's childhood, and can even be carried over into the rest of your life. Basically, those particular actions are not the core of AP, nor are they the most lasting of its principles! I do all three, proudly wear the AP label, but see myself as an AP mom for the long haul, and not just until our boob, bed, and babysling days are over! Let's review the 8 principles*:


1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting

Become emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care. Continuously educate yourself about developmental stages of childhood, setting realistic expectations and remaining flexible.

At first glance, this principle seems to be a one time thing. However, the continuous education of the parent on developmental stages of childhood, and the setting of realistic expectations is an ongoing process that lasts through the child becoming an adult. It is one that is long lasting, and during those frustrating toddler... and teenage years!... is one that is so important for a peaceful household! 

2. Feed with Love and Respect

Breastfeeding is the optimal way to satisfy an infant's nutritional and emotional needs. "Bottle Nursing" adapts breastfeeding behaviors to bottle-feeding to help initiate a secure attachment. Follow the feeding cues for both infants and children, encouraging them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.

Ah-ha, you say! Here it is... breastfeeding! But read it again. Yes, "breast is best" but as long as you are feeding your child in a way that follows their cues, and is done in a way to deliver emotional sustenance along with physical nutrition, then feed the way that works best for your family! Once solid foods are introduced, continue to feed in a way that is best for your child, offering healthy options and demonstrating a healthy relationship with food. I think its easy to see how this one can last a lifetime. 

3. Respond with Sensitivity

Build the foundation of trust and empathy beginning in infancy. Tune in to what your child is communicating to you, then respond consistently and appropriately. Babies cannot be expected to self-soothe, they need calm, loving, empathetic parents to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Respond sensitively to a child who is hurting or expressing strong emotion, and share in their joy.

From the beginning we try to understand what our babies are trying to tell us. A newborn/infant has only its cry to tell us that it needs something. It is up to us to take the time to listen to them, and respond in a way that is comforting, and shows them they can trust us. They learn we are there for them by us being consistent, and they learn they can come to us with anything by us being sensitive to what they show us. As they get older, our responses grow and change with them, but the level of sensitivity we show should not diminish. Their anger, their fears, their joys, and their excitement... they are trusting us with these emotions, and we should react accordingly. 

One of my favorite quotes about responding to your child is from Catherine M. Wallace, and it says, "Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."

4. Use Nurturing Touch

Touch meets a baby's needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or babywearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.

Babywearing! There it is! But again, I'm sure you notice, it is a single word in a paragraph of ideas. So I'll just say this... Hug your babies. Hug them when they are newborns, hug them when they are toddlers, hug them when they are kids, and especially hug them when they are teenagers. Then, hug them when they are adults too. We all need affection in this form, don't be stingy with it, and don't hold it back as your babies become big kids.

5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

Babies and children have needs at night just as they do during the day; from hunger, loneliness, and fear, to feeling too hot or too cold. They rely on parents to soothe them and help them regulate their intense emotions. Sleep training techniques can have detrimental physiological and psychological effects. Safe co-sleeping has benefits to both babies and parents.

Bedsharing** can be so rewarding (when done safely!), co-sleeping has amazing benefits, but good sleep is is unique to ever family. Babies do great in the parent's room when they are new to this world, listening to your breathing, close at hand for easy soothing. Whether that is in your bed, in a co-sleeper or in a pack'n'play nearby. As your baby grows, their needs will change, but their need for you, during the night, might not. 

On a personal note, Gwen was not a great sleeper for a very long time. She bedshared with us for the first few months, then transitioned to her crib for most of the night followed by a few hours with us in the morning. We needed that transition, as much as I love sleeping next to my baby, we all (Gwen included) sleep BIG! Moving, and taking up a lot of room, and it was leading us all to get less then stellar sleep. But she transitioned easily. It was all going pretty well when we went away on vacation at 6 months and her sleep went straight to hell! We were told we had to sleep train her, or she would "never sleep through the night." I'm a firm believer that her need for me, her need for consistent loving response, does not end just because the sun goes down. So, we did not sleep train. I followed her lead, listened to her needs, and gave her gentle direction when the opportunity arose. She now sleeps very well, and she still enjoys an hour or so of sleep in the "big bed" in the mornings. 

Arguably, this is the shortest lasting of the principles. However its importance in the beginning is so big, and can be very long lasting. 

6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care

Babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. If it becomes necessary, choose an alternate caregiver who has formed a bond with the child and who cares for him in a way that strengthens the attachment relationship. Keep schedules flexible, and minimize stress and fear during short separations.

A scenario for you: Everyday you report to work at the same time, follow your same morning routine, take lunch at noon, follow your same afternoon routine, then clock out at 5. Yet some days your boss is full of praise for your work, and other days he screams at you for being lazy. You would start to dread work... not knowing what was waiting for you. But if you change that around, and replace that boss with one that reacted in a calm, consistent manner, providing constructive criticism as needed, well you would probably be a lot happier about reporting to work. You would know what was in store for you, and would even be able to take the admonishment in a much more positive way, and be more open to learning from it. 

Now obviously babies and toddlers do not offer the same consistency to us that you offered to your boss in that scenario; but ideally, we would all rather be boss #2 then boss #1! Be consistent in your actions towards your child, and when leaving them with someone else, be sure that they will be consistent with their care as well. As your toddler learns and grows, repetition and consistency are the key to encouraging them to grow in ways that work for everyone. This applies to every age though. If you child knows what to expect from you, there will be less need to push boundaries, or test limits (note I said less, not none!). While the practice of it evolves and changes, the principles stay the same. Act consistently, and act with love. 

7. Practice Positive Discipline

Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact.

This one is the most self explanatory when it comes to continuing throughout the stages of a child's life. This is also one that I find is the most of a "work in progress" for me. Whether you are dealing with a toddler or an equally rational teenager, show your child that they are not a lesser then member of the family, but a fully loved member. We teach our daughter respect, by modelling respect. That means explaining our reasons, understanding and empathizing with their disappointments, and encouraging natural consequences. We don't hit or berate our child, or tell her that she is bad, instead we teach that we all make mistakes, and that those mistakes have consequences, but we can learn from them together and come out closer. 

8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself. 

Once a week I head out to yoga. My husband does the nighttime routine without me, and Gwen is asleep before I get home. I love our nighttime routine, but I've come to love this night away from it too. It is time for me to stretch my body and mind, and recharge myself as a whole person, not just as Mama. The hugs I get the next morning let me know that I was missed, but the stories she tells me about what they ate for dinner and what books they read before bed let me know that they had a great time and it was okay that I went. The fact that I have more patience lets me know that it was more then okay that I went... it was a benefit to all of us. 

Finding balance doesn't mean you have to go out, but it does involve looking at what makes you tick as a person outside of your attachments to your little ones, and making time for those passions. This is a principle that applies whether you are AP or not, whether you are a parent or not! Everyone needs to find balance in their life, fulfillment in multiple areas, and it is something that can be so hard to come by. But especially when you are working to pour so much of yourself into your babies, it is essential to find time to refuel. 


Gwen is getting bigger and bigger everyday. We already babywear less and less, now only pulling the Mei Tai or the wraps out for things like hiking or long walks with a tired girl. Breastfeeding is only 2x a day now, and sometimes even less then that, and I know that soon enough she won't need that anymore. But I am an AP Mama now, and an AP Mama I'll remain. When she is 5, or 15, or 25, I will still seek to parent Gwen in a gentle way that respects her individuality and adjusts to her current stage of development.



* As taken from Attachment Parenting International.
**  Rachelle gave a great overview of the difference between bedsharing and cosleeping, here.

one and done

My husband and I are young. I'm 30 and he's 32. So I say the following with the caveat that there is plenty of time should we change our minds. But I don't think we will.

See, before having kids I was always so sure that two would be our perfect number. Now, now I think that what we have shouldn't be messed with. I can't even fathom adding another person into the mix.

Before Gwen, there was such intense longing for a baby. Now, I feel no need for a second child, no desire to upset our balance, no longing to go through the baby stages again. I feel content with Gwen, complete as our unit.

Sure, in the back of my mind there is a little voice that whispers of the relationship I have with my brother, Ethan, and our amazing bond. A little part of me feels badly "denying" Gwen that relationship. I wonder if I'm forcing her to miss out on a great relationship and a ton of memories? Denying her future kids the pleasure of Aunts and Uncles? Making things harder for her when Trav and I get old and she has to deal with us on her own?

But who is to say that a sibling would be any of those things to her?

If we did have another, I'm positive the love would be there. I'm sure that I would take my first glances at the little one that had grown in my womb and feel nothing but amazement. I would wonder how we ever considered not doing it.

But would we be able to do less of certain things? Less of the traveling we want to do with Gwen? Less one-on-one? And its silly, but I worry what if I don't love the second one as much? Or worse, what if I love it more?

From an AP standpoint, would I be able to parent the way I wanted with a very attached little girl, and a newborn in need of much attention? Would I get touched out that much sooner? Would have have the "gas" to get me through 3 more years of breastfeeding if that's what the babe decided? I would have patience enough for Gwen and a second, when sometimes I feel I don't have enough patience for just my almost 3 year old? Would I be able to find and keep a balance in my life, between being the hands on Mama I love being while still being a wife and sometimes just Meegs? Something I'm really just getting a handle on now?

Recently, I visited with a friend and her newborn baby boy. I adore babies, I really do, and I loved every second of holding and snuggling with the grumpy little old man. But it really hit me at that moment, as much as I loved holding and snuggling this baby... I am happy not to do it again. I don't want sleepless nights and crying that I'm not sure how to fix. I don't want the helplessness. I don't.

We remind ourselves that decisions at this point don't have to be infinitely binding. That my brother and I are close as can be at 7 years apart. But at this point we've given away all the baby clothes. We've started giving away all the gear. And eventually, "not deciding" will be a decision.


How many kids do you have? If you have one, will you have more? Why or why not? If you have more then one, how did you know having number two (etc) was what was right for you? 

Letters to Gwenivere

The first year of my daughter's life I wrote her letters monthly. It was something I wanted to do for her, as well as for myself, a reminder of all the things she was doing that sometimes didn't get written about in the day-to-day posts. During her second and now third years of life, I wrote/am writing her letters every 3 months, a "quarterly review" of sorts. I've also taken her picture with the same stuffed dog each time, an easy way to watch her grow. The full collection of letters is HERE, but I wanted to post my most recent one (33 months) for you guys after Valerie's recent post.

 ***

Dear Gwenivere,
I don't know why or how this turned into such a big couple of months for you, but I feel like you really turned the corner from a 2 year old to an almost 3 year old. Everything is bigger now... you, your actions, your attitude!

Sometimes you have days when you are such a big kid. You'll sleep until a great time, wake up smiling, eat well, think about questions we ask you and answer thoughtfully, say no thank you and yes please, etc. You had a day like that recently where for dinner you sat there and chomped on ribs, eating the meat right off the bone. I looked at you and though, "My God... I birthed a real human." I mean one that's going to turn into an adult some day. An adult that eats ribs like a pro.

Other days, you still need a little more help to get through. You come a sleep for a bit in our bed in the morning, then need some extra snuggles while getting ready, and the day ends with an I'm too tire to cope meltdown. Normally over something like how many orange slices are in your bowl, or the color of your utensils. Those days are trying for all of us.

We're working on it though. Working on using words to describe our feelings instead of just yelling or whining. We're working on things like being more cooperative when getting ready for bed, so that we can do more fun things before bed. Its always going to be a work in progress, but we're doing it together.

These past few months you've spent a lot of time with your Daddy. Mama has had a number of nights I had to work late, so you guys had "slumber parties." Daddy reads you some books, then lets you fall asleep on the futon, or falls asleep with you on the futon, depending on how long of a day its been for him! We also had our first weekend apart. It was a great weekend for Mama, I needed the special time with my friends, but boy oh boy did I miss you! You are my girl, and it was hard to be away from you. You and Daddy did great though, and I think you guys have gotten a lot closer because of it.

Sometimes its hard for me to watch you grow so quickly. About a month ago, you came home from daycare and handed me your necklace. The one you've been wearing for 2 years, since you were 8 months old. You had asked them to take it off at daycare, you didn't feel like wearing it... and you haven't worn it since. Maybe you will wear it again, maybe not, but that felt like some kind of milestone for me.

We have a little routine we go through every other week or so, when I say to you what a big girl you are becoming, and you agree with me very excitedly... but then I ask you, "But you're still always going to be my baby, right?!" And you always agree with that just as enthusiastically.  ::phew::

I'll let you in on a little secret: No matter what your answer to that question, no matter what age you are when you read this, you really will always be my baby. 

Love you silly goosey,
Mommy

Ps. At 33 months you are just over 23 lbs (at least on the home scale). You must be going through a growth spurt because you want to eat. all. the. time! Your favorite veggies are green beans and peas, favorite fruit is oranges, and you love chicken and "meat" (what you call steak). You are a dark meat girl like your Mama, so I can't wait to give you a drumstick on Thanksgiving! You still nurse most nights and a lot of mornings, but do fine if I'm not there to nurse you.

You love your blankie, and rotate through a few stuffed animals and baby dolls. You love the colors blue and purple, and also have an affinity for orange. You love football, but the marching band maybe a little bit more. You love watching Elmo in the morning, and your favorite books are Olivia and Drummer Hoff. If we say, "Is everybody ready?" you respond with, "Shake a Leg!"  Home, by Edward Sharpe and the Magnificent Zeros, is now "your song," and you ask for it all the time. You love music in general though and will randomly start singing a myriad of songs randomly throughout the day. Dominic is still your best buddy at school.

As of now, you've decided you want your birthday party to be construction themed because of your love of cranes and all construction vehicles, but diggers especially! We'll see what you think in another month or two!

That's Life with a Toddler.

Sometimes I get things done way early. Most of my posts here at Connected Mom are queued up and ready to go not long after I post the last one. Honestly I'm a procrastinator, so I try to get it done the moment I get an idea for a post, while those creative juices are flowing... because otherwise its too easy to let anything else in life take preeminence, then suddenly its Monday at noon and I'm staring at a blinking cursor line with no words coming.

I'm a little behind right now, squeaking this one in just under the line. Life, gets in the way of the perfect plan we have. Balance is hard to come by, and when you are thrown off your game, it can take a number of good days to feel back "on."

Two and a half, almost three, year olds can get in the way of great plans too. Gwen is fun and loving, funny and silly, cute and crazy. She's also a handful, full into the stage of boundary testing, button pushing, and "I do it myself." Normal, age-appropriate, completely and utterly frustrating.


So here are some tips I've shared before, but are worth sharing again... even if only because I could use the reminder! These are what I use to try and have more of the calm days and less of the frustrated ones, to take what "gets in the way" and turn it into "what makes our day different and fun."

1) Age realistic expectations. At 33 months, she is only emotionally able to handle so much. She's still learning what appropriate reactions are and how her actions cause reactions. And you learn by trial and error. So, respond kindly, and move on.

2) Expectations that match with what I want for Gwen in the future. A friend once told me about a very trying morning with her spirited, energetic, intelligent daughter. She delivered her to daycare and asked the teacher, "How do I raise a daughter who is strong, determined, independent, comfortable with her feelings and voices her opinions, but who also listens and always does what I ask her to?!" The answer, of course, is that you don't! But a few tiffs now, as we figure all this out together, is well worth it to foster the independence and determination that will serve her so well in the future.

3) Name the emotion, for both of our sakes! When Gwen is frustrated or sad, I say as much... "I see you are frustrated/mad/upset because of xyz..." I do it to help her figure out her emotions, but I do it to remind myself of them as well. Do I love crying because she wants something she can't have? Nope. But I do know what its like to be overly tired after a long day and have something be extremely frustrating and almost too much to bare. Naming her emotion helps me put myself in her shoes.

4) Evaluate if I really need to distract/dissuade/say no. Gentle/AP parenting is not (contrary to what some media might have you believe) permissive parenting in the negative sense. But at the suggestion of a smart mama, I started looking at the why I didn't want Gwen to do certain things. Is it because of a safety reason? Then stay the course! Is it because it will be a little messy and I don't want to clean up? Hmm, there are times this is valid, but many when its not a great reason.

5) Teach respect by modeling respect. Gwen is an equal member of this family. Yes, her dad and I have the life experience, and as her parents we will ask her to defer to our judgement many a time. However she deserves our respect as fully as we deserve hers. So we listen when she talks, we say excuse me and thank you and please, and we try to give our reasons/explain our actions when we do need her to defer to us. "Because I said so," or "because I'm the mom," are not explanations, and in the long run they don't help her understand that the "no" she just heard isn't a no just for that exact moment, but is a request not to repeat a particular action.


Its so easy to get overwhelmed when life gets hectic, there are deadlines to meet, and this little person just doesn't seem to want to play independently even though they do it at this time every single other day. Or they don't want to go to sleep even though you know they are exhausted. Or...

I'm not perfect. Not by a long shot. I do get overly frustrated, slip up and yell sometimes. That can be a learning time for us both though too, because when I catch myself, I excuse myself to calm down, then come back and apologize. No one is perfect, including this Mama, and I want my girl to know that. People make mistakes, and the fact that we can apologize, hug, and still love each other afterwards, just as much as we did before, well... I think that's one of the best lessons I can give us all. Hopefully it is the one that will keep her coming to me when she makes her own mistakes.

In the meantime, I'll do my best to enjoy this toddler life. And take advantage of every free moment this crazy life allows me.

Gennifer Albin Blog Tour and Book Giveaway

 Today we are excited to share a guest post from The Connected Mom's founder, Gennifer Albin! 

Gennifer Albin is a recovering academic who realized she could write books of her own and discovered, delightfully, that people would read them. She lives in Kansas with her family and writes full-time. Her debut novel, Crewel, the first in a trilogy, will be published in October 2012 by FSG/Macmillan.

You can follow her on Twitter and Facebook. She also blogs infrequently at genniferalbin.com and weekly at The League of Extraordinary Writers.  

  

For today's guest post Gennifer shares her thoughts on balancing her passion with family life and her aspirations for her children's education. Striving for Balance is, in my opinion, the most important of the eight principles of attachment parenting yet it is often overlooked. Many thanks to Gennifer for sharing what balance looks like for her family.

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 When I got my book deal, I was faced with a decision: keep squeezing in writing or put the kids in preschool.  It was a big decision because I’d long flirted with the idea of homeschooling, which is something I very much admire.   

A lot of factors went into my choice, but really it came down to balance and accepting my own limitations as a mother.  Even though I loved the idea of homeschool, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good fit for my personality, and I also knew that trying to meet demanding deadlines of the publishing world while being a stay-at-home mom would be a challenge.

As luck would have it, I had 3 months of editing and revising with the kids at home to give me a taste of what life would be like if I chose the first option, and it wasn’t pretty.  Personally I saw the increase in television and take-out and crying as a sign that I wasn’t going to find balance without help.  So I began the great preschool search and decided very quickly on a Montessori-based program.

As a mother who favors natural parenting and alternative schooling, Montessori’s focus on the child-centered learning spoke to me.  My children participate in group and individual activities.  They guide their learning by choosing the topics they are interested in and studying them at their own pace.  My two year-old delights with her clever Montessori coat trick at gatherings, and at the end of the day, we come home and have a family life — most of the time.  

 I also appreciate the sense of familiarity and attachment, my daughter has developed with her Montessori teacher.  Something that is especially beneficial to her as I now travel quite a bit for book promotion.

It wasn’t easy to choose a place for my children outside of the home, but we approached it with a sense of adventure.  It was an opportunity to make new friends and engage with people from different cultures and family situations.  Both of my children are thriving.  I find it easier to disengage with work at the end of the day and focus on family.  And most of the time, I meet my deadlines.

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As Part of this blog tour, Gen's publisher has generally offered to give away a copy of CREWEL along with a selection of literature for the whole family. The winner will receive a bundle including: 

• CREWEL/Gennifer Albin 
• BEAR HAS A STORY TO TELL/Erin & Phil Stead
• A IS FOR MUSK OX/Erin Cabatingan
• ABE LINCOLN’S DREAM/Lane Smith 
• HELLO BABY/Roger Priddy – mirrored board books!

  Please complete the following steps to earn up to 10 entries into the contest. 

a Rafflecopter giveaway