the end of babywearing? another AP milestone.

Napping in the wrap; 10 months.

My daughter is four years old now. It's been just about a year since she started to wean from nursing (almost 10 months since she fully weaned), six months since she switched from her crib to a toddler bed. Both were such milestones for us (though weaning especially!), and a huge line in the sand for me. My little girl was shedding the last of her ties to babyhood. It seems that another of those milestones is upon us. Our babywearing days are nearing their end.

Its such an old feeling to realize that. In so many ways it is so much easier then weaning. We never wore her daily, we just didn't have that kind of need; and we haven't been at a stage of wearing her regularly for a while now. So to say it will end gradually is an understatement! But at the same time, when she weaned I still had babywearing and bedsharing to hold on to. Now there are only our weekend snugglefests to tie us to the main things that helped me first feel and feed the physical and emotional bond with my baby. While I've talked before about how my AP-ness is about so much more then these well-known things associated with Attachment Parenting, it still makes me take pause. I have remind myself that AP is about more then the boobies, beds, and babywearing... its a mindset, a whole parenting approach, and I am still VERY much AP.

Hiking in the Mei Tai; 3 years.

There are other emotions there too. As I picked out a carrier for a pregnant friend's babyshower I imagined her wearing her newborn... that soft head brushing her chest, that sweet baby smell tight against her. I'm so happy for her. And I'm jealous.  But I'm also excited for all the new things we have in store, the things she'll be able to do as she gets bigger.

I don't think we've had our last time yet. I'm sure they'll be another long walk we pull it out for, another hike, a time she just needs some help and a little rest. I'll happily tie up the MT and have the satisfying weight of my ever growing girl on my back. But when I do, it will be with the knowledge that anyone of these times could be the last.

 In the ring sling after a fall during a walk this past weekend (her suggestion to bring it!). 

Tearful four year old... but moments later a happy girl thanks to some snuggles.  :-)

What was the end of babywearing like for you? And the big question... what did you do with your beloved carriers?! 

Help for First Time Pregnant Mothers

As two dear friends announce their pregnancies and begin on their journeys into motherhood, I want so much to ease their transitions. I want to wrap my arms and love around them and comfort them. I want to give them words of wisdom, but I'm not sure I know how.  I still feel a lot like a new mother myself.  So, what I can do is say the things I wish I could hop in a time machine and tell myself five years ago, knowing that my friends are on different roads of motherhood and have different hopes, fears, and experiences ahead of them than I had and as I have transitioned into having now.  

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to he a good one.

You will mess up. You will make wrong decisions. You will have regrets in your journey as a young mother.  Accept that and accept yourself at every stage. There is a wonderful quote about motherhood:
"The moment a child is born,

the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new." -Rajneesh

Remember in the early days that you are every bit as new and vulnerable as your baby. Just as life in the womb does little to prepare newborns for life outside the womb, your life before children does not really prepare you for the realities of mothering.  Be patient with yourself as you discover the mother you are meant to be.  Dust yourself off when you fall down and believe that with every stumble you are learning to run by learning your own boundaries and balance. Love yourself with the same compassion you give your baby.

Take your pregnancy to do two things: really connect with your partner and get as many house projects as you can done.

No matter how long you've been together and what your relationship has been and is like, having children is going to shift your relationship dramatically and sleep deprivation, stress, and finding your post baby equilibrium will all take a toll on your relationship. Build up as much romance and goodwill as you can.  Snuggle up and smooch as much as you can.  Make love both physically and emotionally with the things you do together.  Really savor these last few months when you are "you"--a couple without kids. It will be nearly twenty years before that will be the case again. As for the house projects, you cannot conceive of how much harder it is to get things done once the baby arrives. You may not think you have any time now, but post baby you will marvel at all the time you currently have.  Use it productively!

Learn about your birth options.

Educate yourself about your birth choices and know that you do have choices.  You do not have to give birth in the nearest hospital with a doctor a friend, cousin, or sister used.  Studies show that planned homebirth with a midwife can be just as safe and may result in a shorter labor with less interventions.  If you really are not comfortable with that option after researching it, you also have the options of birth centers with Certified Nurse Midwives, and independent birth centers with midwives.  You can also go to another hospital a bit further away.  You can still go the doctor at your closest hospital route, but learn what else is out there before you make your decision.  When you are in labor, the last thing you need to do is have things suggested to you that you know nothing about.  Take a good birthing class preferably not affiliated with a particular location and its practices so you can learn as much as you can.  Consider hiring a doula for your birth.  They are awesome women who will support you and your husband and greatly enhance your birth experience.


Learn about babywearing.

Wearing your baby is the absolute best thing you can do for both you and your baby.  Your baby gets to feel the security of being curled against you and you get the benefit of smelling that sweet baby smell and kissing the softest skin in the world while you get stuff done and eat things like burritos.  What's not to love?  Invest in a high quality carrier that protects your baby's hips.   You can learn all about them here and buy them used (Just in case your baby has other ideas about what s/he likes.). I will blog about that and the many benefits of baby wearing some other time. (Seriously, investing in a good carrier, wrap, or sling is the best baby item you can have.)

Buy used.

Whenever you can, buy gently used. Even the most well used baby clothes are still used for only a few months. If you want to cloth diaper, I highly recommend diaperswappers.  You can find huge lots of baby clothes of all sizes on ebay and craigslist, too, for a fraction of what you would buy new.  Consignment stores, donation stores, and specialty children stores are filled to the brim with gently used, like new, baby items.  If you have friends who already have children, see if you can borrow items that can really only be used a few months like swings, bouncy seats, infant bathtubs, etc.  Save your money as much as you can for the unexpected and for items you might use longer like high chairs, booster chairs, good car seats, and baby wearing gear.

Ask for gift cards instead of trying to register for baby items you may or may not use. 

Grandparents and family members are always excited about a new baby and particularly excited about a first baby.  They will want to help you as much as they can in their excitement.  Take them up on it, let them throw you a shower, but don't feel you have to register for a whole lot of stuff when you can often get it used for a fraction of the cost at Mom to Mom sales, garage sales, and gently used kids stores.  Instead ask for gift cards.  Gift cards for your favorite department store like Target or even your grocery store are particularly useful.  That way, once your baby

gets here and you learn more about what works for him/her and his/her personality, you will have the money to accommodate those things.  And don't be afraid to ask for things like gift certificates to stores that sell nursing bras/tops/etc. and for websites like etsy where you can buy washable nursing pads, unique diaper bags, slings, babywearing coats and all kinds of fun baby gear.


Most of all, love yourself and be open with whatever you are feeling when you are feeling it.

Pregnancy and first time motherhood are times of great emotional tumult.  Do not judge yourself too harshly for it.  Sleep in, baby yourself, and be open with how you are feeling!  Get into the habit now because it will only become harder as time goes on to get into the habit.  When your baby comes all your doubts and fears may go away, or maybe not.  You might feel instantly in love, but maybe not.  None of this means you will be or are a "bad" mother.  Just like babies are not born instantly knowing how to nurse, talk, walk, etc.  A woman who has just birthed a baby does not know everything all at once, either.  

Don't ever worry about what others "think" or even what you think you should "think," instead, go with what you "feel" is right every time.

Study all you want during your pregnancy, but be kind if the answers you find beforehand are not the ones that "feel" right once you have a baby.  Mother's intuition is real and don't be afraid to listen to it.  You will still make mistakes, but at least you will know that you did what you did because you were trying your best.  

I have a friend who was sure she would love bedsharing, full term nursing, cloth diapering, and a whole host of other "natural parenting" practices.  She learned through experience that while she did like some of those things, she did not like to do them for as long as she had thought and she actually couldn't stand some of them.  I just "knew" for all nine months I was pregnant with my first (and for years beforehand), that I would never, ever let a child sleep in my bed because I am too light of a sleeper, I would never be able to cloth diaper, I would nurse for twelve months maximum, I was too busy and lazy to worry about too much nutrition, and I would be a strict, traditional disciplinarian.  Now I am a co-sleeping, cloth diapering, full term breastfeeding, mother who believes passionately in gentle parenting and consequences rather than punishment and eating whole foods whenever possible.  I truly believe that this is the best course for my family and we are all better for it, but it took me a long time to get over the disconnect between what I had always "thought" was right and what I "felt" in my heart was right.  Then, just when I had everything figured out with my first, I had a second and discovered different things worked for him!  That's why comparing yourself to other mothers or trying to just clone what they do will never work. Every baby, every mother, every situation is different. Advice (even my advice) may be kindly offered, but don't feel you have to take it too seriously.  Save yourself some pain.  Go with your gut.  

Finally, get your mom and your best friends, both other moms and at least one non-mom, on speed dial.

Being a mother is the toughest job you'll ever love, but no one should feel like they are doing it alone.  In addition to working hard to stay open and connected with your partner, make sure to connect with other women.  They will know exactly how you feel and will not judge you for your "off days."  Your non-mom friend will help you remember who you were before you were a mother when you need it.  You will not believe how easy it is to forget that if you get too consumed.

All my love and good wishes for you on this journey to the woman and mother you were always destined to be.

Thanks for reading!
Shawna

Five Reasons Why You Don't Want a "Good" Baby . . . at least not all the time!

Few things frustrate me more than being asked if I have a "good" baby. I know that most people are wondering if I have a baby who sleeps through the night/naps well, doesn't cry often, keeps himself entertained, etc. but it irks me that somehow my baby isn't "good" if he doesn't fit those parameters.  Especially since those traits may make a baby more convenient, but they have nothing to do with how "good" of a person that baby is.  Just because a baby might have more needs than another or is more expressive about those needs, it doesn't mean that baby is "bad." In fact, it just might be better to have a baby who is decidedly inconvenient and not "good."

1.  Babies who aren't "good" wake up a lot . . . and that makes them less vulnerable to SIDS.

Babies are designed to wake up often for good reason.  SIDS is actually related to a baby's inability to rouse easily or detect a build up of carbon dioxide in their blood.  Now, the general mainstream medical consensus is that babies are safest on their backs in their own beds, but other medical experts have suggested that babies may be safest when with co-sleeping with their sober, non-smoking mothers.  In fact, SIDS rates have continued to stay low despite a rise in safe co-sleeping.  This might have to do with the increase in breastfeeding rates among co-sleeping mothers as much as anything else, but the fact remains that while "good" babies might let their mothers have more uninterrupted sleep, babies who aren't so good (or aren't good all the time) actually demonstrate that they have a good arousal instinct and that is a definite positive!  Besides, there are sweet, snuggly times to be had when babies are awake, sleepily nursing, and snuggling with you that mamas of babies who sleep all the time, just don't get.

2.  Babies who aren't "good" cry a lot . . . and that means they are attached enough to want to communicate and believe that you will respond to their cries.

We all know people who are more verbal about what is going on with them than others.  Babies are just little people.  So, some of them will cry more than others because some of them just have more they want to say.  Some babies also just have more to communicate.  No matter how much or how little your baby cries at night or during the day, it is good because your baby is communicating (even if it doesn't seem that way at two a.m.).  The fact that your baby consistently is communicating with you about his or her needs is a positive thing.  It proves that your baby trusts you enough to tell you about what's going on with her/him.  By responding to your baby's cries, you are forming a trusting, attached relationship with your baby.  This might not mean your baby stops crying right away or that your baby cries less, but it does mean that your baby believes that you are going to respond to his or her needs.  When that baby grows up this will translate into words.  For example, my eldest baby cried a lot, and now, when he is sick, he still talks a lot.  He's just the kind of person who feels things very strongly and he needs to talk about his emotions to process them.  Because of the relationship we've been forming since his very first newborn baby cries, we have a very open communication line and I hope that honest communication continues for years to come.

3.  Babies who aren't "good" don't just lay/sit around and play with their toys . . . they are curious about their world and they want to explore it.

We've all had those moments when we've wanted to just put our babies down and have them keep themselves busy while we finish dinner/pick something up/whatever, and sometimes they may let us, but some babies mostly use that time to get into things, practice their crying communication with you, and generally cause a ruckus.  However, these are all good things!  A baby who isn't very interested in the world around them or who doesn't want to test that you will come running at least part of them time, is not a baby who is very interested in the outside world and that lack of curiosity probably isn't their best trait.  I imagine that if we could interview the mothers of most of the world's greatest inventors, innovators, and entrepreneurs, we would probably discover that as babies and small children they were incredibly curious and often got themselves into some scrapes because of it.  Whenever my sons are driving me crazy testing my communication line with them from the next room, I just remind myself that Pavlov's mother was probably his first and best test subject.

4.  Babies who aren't "good" don't stay in their car seats all the time; they insist on being held/worn and seeing the world from a higher level.

Risks of leaving your baby in their car seats frequently and shopping with your baby in his/her car seat aside, babies who are not kept in their car seats all the time actually tend to do a little better because they are held more often and get worn in a carrier.  In fact, God bless babies who aren't "good" all the time because they are the reason babywearing was invented and the benefits of babywearing are amazing.  From heart rate/physiological benefits for newborns to social interactions/connections with toddlers, your babies are made to be in your arms or worn and nothing but good comes from it . ..even if it seems inconvenient for you and what you want to get done at times.

5.  Babies who aren't "good" don't listen to what "they" tell you about parenting, they make you learn to listen to your heart and do more research.

You know who "they" are.  "They" are the ones who were asking you whether or not your baby was "good" to begin with.  "They" tell you you need to do XYZ to make your child into a convenient "good" baby or "they" will congratulate you when your baby doesn't cry or make a fuss, but give unsolicited advice when they do.  Babies who aren't "good" don't give a flying fruit what they say and if you let them, they will teach you not to care, either.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to examine who you are as a parent and as a person.  They teach you to make real connections to them and they become the catalyst for you to learn more about them, parenting, and yourself as a person.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to become better than you've ever been before and they teach you where your limitations are.

Babies who aren't "good" all the time are my favorite kind of babies!

Thank you for reading and kiss your "not good all the time" babies for me!
Shawna

Babywearing: a carrier comparison

MT wrap conversion

A friend of mine, pregnant with her third little one, recently asked for some recommendations for carriers. Since everyone has slightly different needs, I broke it down to some pros and cons vs. just giving a recommendation for one type of carrier. What the best one is for you can depend on a number of factors. I'm sure she won't mind that I share this here. 

I probably used my Mei Tai the most, and the longest. It is easy to use, can be used from newborn through toddler (with no additional inserts), and is quick. It might not be quite as supportive once they get bigger (depending on how big your toddlers are), but I still carry Gwen in one and find it comfortable (she's just under 30lbs at 3 years). I never owned my own soft structured carrier (Beco, Boba, Ergo) but they work similar to the Mei Tai, 

Beco - right before doing
a 5.5 mile walk for MS

only with buckles instead of ties. They are super padded and supportive, but I think the MT gives a little more freedom of how you want to carry (high back or low back, front, hip, tied tibetian or more like a back pack). You also typically need an infant insert (or a rolled up blanket or something) when they are smaller, so there is that additional item to futz with. I have to say, after borrowing a Beco from a friend to use for the MS Walk this past week, the added support is wonderful. I was able to carry Gwen for the full 5.5 miles with no problem. My one complaint, was that it was a little annoying getting Gwen up and down from the back carry for her potty breaks. If I could have taken the whole thing off, or had a chair or table to lean on, it probably would have been easier.

wrap - Ellevill Zara Deli LE

I used my wraps a lot when Gwen was smaller, since they are endlessly adaptable (my favorite carry was the double hammock), offer good support, and are pretty.  :-)  I can't say enough about the adaptability and support of wraps, but they do have a bigger learning curve, and take some time at first. Once you've practiced a while, it gets easy to pop them up, but at the beginning tying is slower. There are tons of videos online to show different carries, so if you are interested, check them out. One con, they are not as great as a MT or a sling for taking them in and out a lot (aka if you are planning to put them up and keep them up while you do some chores or take a walk, great... but it would have been a bit of a pain for me this past weekend to untie and retie Gwen each time she had to pee!).

I also have a ring sling. I didn't get it until Gwen was a toddler, but it can be used from newborn on. They are easy to use, easy for on/off/on/off situations, and can be gorgeous. They aren't quite as supportive as other carriers though and the weight isn't as equally distributed. You could probably carry your newborn for quite a while before you notice it, but would notice sooner with a toddler. They can still be quite comfortable though, and I like them for walks when I knew Gwen would want to be down a lot of the time, but what to get up to rest periodically. I can pop her in without even stopping. If you did get one, get a ring sling... not one of the bag slings, which make proper positioning hard and can be dangerous. Ring slings are fine and safe for newborns, as long as you are careful and get good positioning (resource here).


Stay away from "crotch dangler" carriers (ie. Bjorn, Snuggli and Infantino) as they are less comfortable for Mom and Baby (weigh is not distributed as easily), and are not ergonomically good for baby. More about that here.


So, I'm in the Use All The Carriers! camp, but I guess my favorites are wraps and the MT for different situations. If someone were only going to get one carrier, I'd probably recommend a MT, with a soft structured carrier being a close second. I hope this helped, and please let me know if you have any other questions.


Other Resources: 
Becoming Mama's has an amazing Guide to Babywearing. 

Wordless Wednesday {after dinner walk}

After dinner walk with the Mei Tai.

Attachment Parenting Throughout the Ages

The end of the year is a great time to reflect on what has been, but its also a great time to look ahead. Today, on this last day of 2012, I'm choosing to look years ahead. I was/am blessed to have a Mama that provides an amazing example of what AP can be long after the baby years. I wanted to share that forward perspective with all Connected Mom readers. Here's wishing you a beautiful 2013.

When someone mentions Attachment Parenting, the thing that pops into most people's minds first are breastfeeding, babywearing, and bedsharing. However, as Valerie has pointed out before... AP is more then just breasts, beds, and babyslings! You can do all of those things and not think of yourself as AP, or do none while proudly wearing the label. Not to mention, that while the years when those three things are even an option are fleeting, being AP is something most people can continue for the duration of your baby's childhood, and can even be carried over into the rest of your life. Basically, those particular actions are not the core of AP, nor are they the most lasting of its principles! I do all three, proudly wear the AP label, but see myself as an AP mom for the long haul, and not just until our boob, bed, and babysling days are over! Let's review the 8 principles*:


1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting

Become emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care. Continuously educate yourself about developmental stages of childhood, setting realistic expectations and remaining flexible.

At first glance, this principle seems to be a one time thing. However, the continuous education of the parent on developmental stages of childhood, and the setting of realistic expectations is an ongoing process that lasts through the child becoming an adult. It is one that is long lasting, and during those frustrating toddler... and teenage years!... is one that is so important for a peaceful household! 

2. Feed with Love and Respect

Breastfeeding is the optimal way to satisfy an infant's nutritional and emotional needs. "Bottle Nursing" adapts breastfeeding behaviors to bottle-feeding to help initiate a secure attachment. Follow the feeding cues for both infants and children, encouraging them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.

Ah-ha, you say! Here it is... breastfeeding! But read it again. Yes, "breast is best" but as long as you are feeding your child in a way that follows their cues, and is done in a way to deliver emotional sustenance along with physical nutrition, then feed the way that works best for your family! Once solid foods are introduced, continue to feed in a way that is best for your child, offering healthy options and demonstrating a healthy relationship with food. I think its easy to see how this one can last a lifetime. 

3. Respond with Sensitivity

Build the foundation of trust and empathy beginning in infancy. Tune in to what your child is communicating to you, then respond consistently and appropriately. Babies cannot be expected to self-soothe, they need calm, loving, empathetic parents to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Respond sensitively to a child who is hurting or expressing strong emotion, and share in their joy.

From the beginning we try to understand what our babies are trying to tell us. A newborn/infant has only its cry to tell us that it needs something. It is up to us to take the time to listen to them, and respond in a way that is comforting, and shows them they can trust us. They learn we are there for them by us being consistent, and they learn they can come to us with anything by us being sensitive to what they show us. As they get older, our responses grow and change with them, but the level of sensitivity we show should not diminish. Their anger, their fears, their joys, and their excitement... they are trusting us with these emotions, and we should react accordingly. 

One of my favorite quotes about responding to your child is from Catherine M. Wallace, and it says, "Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff."

4. Use Nurturing Touch

Touch meets a baby's needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or babywearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.

Babywearing! There it is! But again, I'm sure you notice, it is a single word in a paragraph of ideas. So I'll just say this... Hug your babies. Hug them when they are newborns, hug them when they are toddlers, hug them when they are kids, and especially hug them when they are teenagers. Then, hug them when they are adults too. We all need affection in this form, don't be stingy with it, and don't hold it back as your babies become big kids.

5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

Babies and children have needs at night just as they do during the day; from hunger, loneliness, and fear, to feeling too hot or too cold. They rely on parents to soothe them and help them regulate their intense emotions. Sleep training techniques can have detrimental physiological and psychological effects. Safe co-sleeping has benefits to both babies and parents.

Bedsharing** can be so rewarding (when done safely!), co-sleeping has amazing benefits, but good sleep is is unique to ever family. Babies do great in the parent's room when they are new to this world, listening to your breathing, close at hand for easy soothing. Whether that is in your bed, in a co-sleeper or in a pack'n'play nearby. As your baby grows, their needs will change, but their need for you, during the night, might not. 

On a personal note, Gwen was not a great sleeper for a very long time. She bedshared with us for the first few months, then transitioned to her crib for most of the night followed by a few hours with us in the morning. We needed that transition, as much as I love sleeping next to my baby, we all (Gwen included) sleep BIG! Moving, and taking up a lot of room, and it was leading us all to get less then stellar sleep. But she transitioned easily. It was all going pretty well when we went away on vacation at 6 months and her sleep went straight to hell! We were told we had to sleep train her, or she would "never sleep through the night." I'm a firm believer that her need for me, her need for consistent loving response, does not end just because the sun goes down. So, we did not sleep train. I followed her lead, listened to her needs, and gave her gentle direction when the opportunity arose. She now sleeps very well, and she still enjoys an hour or so of sleep in the "big bed" in the mornings. 

Arguably, this is the shortest lasting of the principles. However its importance in the beginning is so big, and can be very long lasting. 

6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care

Babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. If it becomes necessary, choose an alternate caregiver who has formed a bond with the child and who cares for him in a way that strengthens the attachment relationship. Keep schedules flexible, and minimize stress and fear during short separations.

A scenario for you: Everyday you report to work at the same time, follow your same morning routine, take lunch at noon, follow your same afternoon routine, then clock out at 5. Yet some days your boss is full of praise for your work, and other days he screams at you for being lazy. You would start to dread work... not knowing what was waiting for you. But if you change that around, and replace that boss with one that reacted in a calm, consistent manner, providing constructive criticism as needed, well you would probably be a lot happier about reporting to work. You would know what was in store for you, and would even be able to take the admonishment in a much more positive way, and be more open to learning from it. 

Now obviously babies and toddlers do not offer the same consistency to us that you offered to your boss in that scenario; but ideally, we would all rather be boss #2 then boss #1! Be consistent in your actions towards your child, and when leaving them with someone else, be sure that they will be consistent with their care as well. As your toddler learns and grows, repetition and consistency are the key to encouraging them to grow in ways that work for everyone. This applies to every age though. If you child knows what to expect from you, there will be less need to push boundaries, or test limits (note I said less, not none!). While the practice of it evolves and changes, the principles stay the same. Act consistently, and act with love. 

7. Practice Positive Discipline

Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact.

This one is the most self explanatory when it comes to continuing throughout the stages of a child's life. This is also one that I find is the most of a "work in progress" for me. Whether you are dealing with a toddler or an equally rational teenager, show your child that they are not a lesser then member of the family, but a fully loved member. We teach our daughter respect, by modelling respect. That means explaining our reasons, understanding and empathizing with their disappointments, and encouraging natural consequences. We don't hit or berate our child, or tell her that she is bad, instead we teach that we all make mistakes, and that those mistakes have consequences, but we can learn from them together and come out closer. 

8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself. 

Once a week I head out to yoga. My husband does the nighttime routine without me, and Gwen is asleep before I get home. I love our nighttime routine, but I've come to love this night away from it too. It is time for me to stretch my body and mind, and recharge myself as a whole person, not just as Mama. The hugs I get the next morning let me know that I was missed, but the stories she tells me about what they ate for dinner and what books they read before bed let me know that they had a great time and it was okay that I went. The fact that I have more patience lets me know that it was more then okay that I went... it was a benefit to all of us. 

Finding balance doesn't mean you have to go out, but it does involve looking at what makes you tick as a person outside of your attachments to your little ones, and making time for those passions. This is a principle that applies whether you are AP or not, whether you are a parent or not! Everyone needs to find balance in their life, fulfillment in multiple areas, and it is something that can be so hard to come by. But especially when you are working to pour so much of yourself into your babies, it is essential to find time to refuel. 


Gwen is getting bigger and bigger everyday. We already babywear less and less, now only pulling the Mei Tai or the wraps out for things like hiking or long walks with a tired girl. Breastfeeding is only 2x a day now, and sometimes even less then that, and I know that soon enough she won't need that anymore. But I am an AP Mama now, and an AP Mama I'll remain. When she is 5, or 15, or 25, I will still seek to parent Gwen in a gentle way that respects her individuality and adjusts to her current stage of development.



* As taken from Attachment Parenting International.
**  Rachelle gave a great overview of the difference between bedsharing and cosleeping, here.

The Case Against Swaddling

My very content un-swaddled newborn baby

When my son was born just over 2 years ago now, I remember being rather annoyed that every time the nurses brought my son back to me after tests and treatments (We were hospitalized for 5 days due to a placental infection not diagnosed until the birth) he was bound tightly in hospital issue receiving blankets. At the time I didn’t know why I was annoyed, it just seemed wrong that each time I would have to rescue my tiny grunting struggling son from his flannel burrito and spend the next 5-10 minutes calming him down enough to breastfeed.

‘Don’t un-wrap him’ one nurse told me. ‘They like it, it feels like the womb, he’ll settle.’

I looked down at my grunting, grimacing, rooting baby and then back up at her with disbelief. My son HATED the swaddle. In fact, my son hated anything that didn’t involve being skin to skin with a boob in his mouth. Yet each and every nurse would tell me how much babies like to be swaddled, about how it was comforting and would help him adjust to being on the outside. All of these praises made me feel kind of dumb, made me feel like there might be something wrong with my baby because he so obviously didn’t like their magical blankets one tiny bit. As I said before it was just kind of annoying.

When we finally got home and settled in I promptly forgot about the whole thing. Needless to say we never swaddled him again. Life went on.

More recently I found myself thinking about this again when I was watching a friend struggle to wrap her flailing infant as tightly as she could because ‘the nurses said it would help him settle’. I thought about how much my own baby hated it, and about how the more newborns I see swaddled the less I believe that any of them like it half as much as everyone says they do, and I started wondering where health care provider’s knowledge of it's wonderful benefits were coming from since every actual parent I’ve heard talk about it reports that their baby wasn’t really all that impressed by it.

So I did a little research. As it turns out there are, as far as I can see, far more reasons NOT to swaddle a newborn then there are reasons TOO do it.

Reasons to swaddle: Tightness is “womb-like” making baby feel content and keeping them from startling resulting in longer periods of sleep.

Reasons not to swaddle:

1) Keeps baby from startling – When we remember that the startle reflex is a survival mechanism which help infants to wake up and alert their parents if something is wrong. (Like falling out of a tree or forgetting to breath) Then logically it seems like a bad idea to intentionally subdue that reflex. As a parent the idea of it makes me really uncomfortable. Sure babies do sometimes startle when there is nothing wrong, but I will take a few false startles as a comfort that my baby will wake up if something is actually wrong. I should mention, however, that the scientific jury is still out on this one.

I have found two similar studies done on the effects of swaddling on the startle reflex here and here that come to two different conclusions. One recognizes the inhibition of startle reflex but asserts that this poses no risk for SIDS (This study used a swaddle method that did not limit mobility of the infant’s legs, which is interesting.), while the other shows a big difference in arousal responses of infants who are routinely swaddled vs those who are not and suggests that further study is needed on what this means for SIDS risk.

2) Not entirely all that womb-like – Aside from the snug fit, a swaddling blanket is nothing like the womb, it isn’t always the perfect temperature (see next point), it doesn’t have a heartbeat or comforting voice, it has no means of providing nutrients.

3) Possibility of overheating – Human infants are born quite helpless, we all know this. They cannot walk, feed themselves, or do their own (never ending) laundry. They also aren’t very good at regulating their own body temperature. When an infant becomes too hot, which could happen in a tight swaddle in thick blankets, they are at risk for apnea. The most natural way for an infant to maintain a proper temperature is through direct contact with a parent or caregiver. (see link in point 5)

4) Hip Dysplasia – The standard super tight burrito swaddle that the nurses at our hospital raved about can often result in an infant spending a lot of time with their legs incorrectly positioned causing problems in the hip joints not unlike the effects of improper babywearing. While no extensive large scale studies have been carried out on the effects of swaddling on hip joint development there is still evidence to show the correlation. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/121/1/177.full

5) Limits tactile stimulation – Since an infant in a swaddle is so tightly wrapped in so many layers of fabric it limits the stimulation of a caregivers touch. Since physical contact is so important for bonding, breastfeeding, and for an infant to self regulate body heat, heart rate, and other biological systems, it may not be such a good idea for an infant to spend too much time wrapped up in this way. http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/jack_newman2.html

6) Could potentially interfere with breastfeeding – In the early days a swaddled baby who enjoys being swaddled may rouse less often and therefore spend less time at the breast, this can lead to a higher incidence of jaundice and weight loss in newborns. A swaddle also prevents a newborn from displaying early signs of hunger like trying to get their hands in their mouth. In the very early days and weeks when learning cues and communication is still in progress limiting these early cues could potentially cause feeding problems. Limiting direct contact between mother and baby could also have an effect on milk supply. http://www.nancymohrbacher.com/blog/2010/12/3/rethinking-swaddling.html

7) Interferes with Elimination Communication - If you are planning to use natural infant hygiene with your infant, a tight swaddle will also limit your newborns ability to communicate elimination cues and your ability to acknowledge eliminations quickly.

There was, of course, no mention of any of this when my son was born and constantly being brought to me tied up in his flannel prison of sadness; only insistence that babies love to be swaddled when my baby so obviously did not. My instincts told me that the swaddle wasn’t right for us and I am happy I listened to them because knowing what I know now about it I would have been a lot more adamant that the hospital staff stop doing it.

I am, of course, not suggesting that no one should swaddle their infants ever. If your baby seems to enjoy playing cabbage roll then by all means don’t eliminate the practice from your repertoire completely. However I would say that the points above are very good reasons to limit the time an infant spends in a swaddle. All of the benefits of a tight swaddle can be achieved in other ways that do not pose the same potential risks. A good tummy to tummy hold in a sling or wrap for instance. So if you have the option to wear your baby, or have a family member spend some skin to skin time with your baby then why not do that instead when you can?

What I am saying is that swaddling really isn’t the magical cure all that many of us are led to believe and there is absolutely no harm in leaving it out of your life if that’s what you want to do. There is certainly nothing wrong with a baby who doesn’t enjoy it, so don’t feel bad when you quickly un-wrap your newborn the second a caregiver hands them to you.

Boba 3G Review And A Chance To Win!

Oliver on my back in the Boba 3G

I was recently sent a Boba 3G baby carrier to review! Isn’t that exciting? Boba sent me the sample free of charge but I received no other compensation. All opinions expressed in this review are my own.

 

Preconceived ideas:

To be perfectly honest while I was incredibly excited about the chance to try one out, I never really considered buying a Boba carrier for myself. I mean, I’d seen them in stores and even tried one on that I really liked but I usually swear by my woven wrap and ring sling so I never really thought that a structured carrier would be the one for me, or at least not the top of my must-have carrier list. The Boba 3G has certainly changed my outlook.

My past experience with structured carriers involved quite a bit of annoying pinching and a lot of back pain, not to mention one very uncomfortable little baby. I knew that the two structured carriers I had tried were cheep and poorly made but still I had it in my mind that all structured carriers would have the same issues.

However, as my son Oliver turns two and is suddenly growing taller at an alarming rate I found my mind opening. I was concerned that my son’s legs had gotten so long I was having difficulty making sure the fabric of my woven wrap went from knee to knee to properly support his legs in every carry. It had been mentioned to me quite a few times that a Boba would solve this problem.

First Impressions:

The first thing I noticed about the Boba is that it certainly is not even remotely like any of the other structured carriers I had used in the past. Every part of it seems to have been made with comfort in mind. The fabric is soft and flexible, the straps and clips are well made, padded, and fully adjustable to make sure that the weight of your child is evenly spread over your shoulders and back. Baby is kept comfortable with a nice high back for head and neck support and proper support for baby’s bum and legs.

At the fabric store in the Boba!

The Boba is not only comfortable but also incredibly easy to use. Where as both my ring sling and wraps were a bit of a learning curve and it took a few days or weeks to feel comfortable with each new carry or variation, the Boba was fitted, secure, and ready for our first excursion within minutes of being pulled from the box. That first excursion was to the fabric store; Oliver felt light as a feather and he stayed content on my back the whole trip. (Note: When toddler is on your back and they grab something off a shelf it is incredibly hard to get it back!)

That same outing my Husband was able to try out the Boba. He didn’t let me take any pictures because he doesn't like it when I post pictures of him on the internet, but you’ll just have to take my word for it that it looked great and even though my husband and I are drastically different sizes and shapes it was really fast and easy for us to adjust the Boba to swap back and forth. This easy use and adjustability makes it a great carrier for sharing between parents and also with babysitters or other caregivers!

Impressive features:

As I mentioned before, my son’s legs have gotten quite long and I worry about making sure they remain properly supported when I carry him. A good carrier should always support your baby in a position where their bum sits at the same level as their knees or lower with the fabric of the carrier stretched from knee to knee in a position similar to if they were seated in a chair. This position promotes proper hip joint and back development. The Boba comes with adjustable straps that hook onto the waist band and support the child’s feet so that they do not dangle in an uncomfortable position even after they grow too big for the fabric to reach from knee to knee. Meaning I can continue to comfortably and properly carry my toddler no matter how long his legs get!

I should mention that this carrier is good for babies and toddlers of all ages from 7-45 pounds, but I feel like it was MADE for toddler wearing. And because I know that toddlers sometimes end up with siblings before they out grow being worn I thought I’d test it out in a tandem situation. Of coarse, my son does not yet have a sibling so I tried it with the boy I was babysitting and ended up with over 50lbs of toddler trapped to me while I grocery shopped.

Tandem wearing with the Boba 3G: A self portrait

That’s a woven wrap on the front in a torso carry with Oliver as he’s the lighter of the two, and the Boba on my back with our friend, Charlie, who is the same age as Oliver but quite a bit heavier. It was surprisingly comfortable and definitely a show stopper. I got many questions and comments about it, one man even slammed on his breaks in the parking lot and ask if I needed him to donate a stroller. But I digress; the point is that I would definitely suggest this carrier to anyone thinking about tandem wearing.

We also tried Breastfeeding in the Boba. It wasn’t overly comfortable for us because, like I have mentioned, Oliver is quite tall but I am finding that this is becoming a problem in all of our carriers. I had some luck loosening the shoulder straps to feed to that Oliver had room to lean forward and latch, it worked, but at an angle that made his latch sore for me to put up with for very long. Even a few months ago breastfeeding in the Boba would have been a breeze and I could see the removable hood feature being really helpful to mothers who choose to cover while nursing. Unlike other carriers with similar hoods that I’ve tried this hood stays securely in place without slipping or bunching, I can see myself getting some use out of it this winter as an extra bit of protection from the wind. 

Last but not least, my favourite features of the Boba are the pockets. I feel like I am constantly trying to figure out how to carry Oliver AND everything else I need to carry. While baby wearing allows my hands to be free it often restricts the use of my shoulders and makes carrying a backpack or purse difficult or uncomfortable. But not only does the Boba have pocket room enough for my wallet, phone, and keys it also has this really fantastic snap on each shoulder that I can use to secure my purse or grocery bag straps so they aren’t sliding and falling all over the place.

Is there anything the Boba can’t do!?

There are only two things about the Boba that I was not totally happy with (and they are by no means deal breakers for me)

The first is that because Oliver is so tall, if I try to sit down with him in a front carry his head ends up where my head should be, and we either need to hug the whole time (fine with me!) or sit cheek to cheek while he leans into me. Of coarse this isn’t a problem most of the time because when Oliver is in a carrier we are usually walking around and he prefers to be on my back, but in the case of taking public transit anywhere it can be quite awkward depending how long the ride is. I have had some success taking the bus with the Boba on my back, but that can be awkward if there isn’t a bench seat available that I can sit sideways in. I also managed a short bus ride while standing but I would not exactly recomend it as the extra weight of your child can put your balance off. This would certainly not be a problem at all for a smaller baby; if I had this carrier when Oliver was younger I think it very well may have been my go-to bus carrier.

The second is that when I am not wearing it the Boba is quite bulky. Where as a ring sling or wrap can be folded into my bag if we end up at a park or other public area where I want to let Oliver run around I either have to keep wearing the empty Boba which I peronally find kinf of awkward, find some place to put it down and hope no one walks off with it, or make my husband carry it around which makes him grumpy. This of coarse is not at all a problem when I am anywhere else, Oliver is content to sit in the Boba for long periods so it’s great for long walks, concerts, art galleries and museums, shopping trips and other errand running, and pretty much anything else you can think of!

I am so happy that I got this opportunity to try out the Boba for myself. I honestly couldn’t be happier with it. The Boba is certainly not any of the things I assumed a structured carrier would be and I was so glad to be proved wrong. 

Boba Inc. is hosting a giveaway to celebrate the launch of the new Boba Carrier 3G and their new brand image!  Enter to win a $500 travel voucher and a Boba Carrier 3G. With the new 3G it is easier than ever toto put it to use in a destination of your choice. To enter to win, “Like” them on Facebook (www.facebook.com/boba), follow them on Twitter (www.twitter.com/boba) and tweet about them! Also, make sure to check out Boba’s new website – www.bobafamily.com.

 

Away we (ER)GO: Review and Giveaway!

I've always heard good things about ERGObaby, but recently I got the chance to try one for myself. ERGObaby was kind enough to send a sample of their famous carrier to review, so for the last week, my husband and I have been wearing our 6 month old in the Ergo when we go out and about.

One of the reasons I was so psyched to try the Ergo is that my daughter is a big girl. Apparently mama's milk is doing her body good, because at 6 months she is 29 inches long and weighs 19lbs! She's the same size my son was when he was a year old! This has presented a bit of a challenge for us. She's already too big to be worn in many infant carries in a sling and my back was beginning to bear the brunt. Stretchy wraps are too stretchy now and my mei tei is MIA. So the Ergo could not have arrived at a better time!

The first thing I noticed was how light she felt in it. I've been wearing her on my back around the house and on my chest on errands. I'm amazed at how comfortable it is to wear her on the front. The difference in comfort between my mei tei and the Ergo is incredible. I could wear her all day, and wearing a 20 lb infant can be tiresome.

Yep, I'm nursing!

Our first trip out with the Ergo we hit the library, and as luck would have it, she needed to nurse. It was quick and easy to quickly put her to the breast, and thanks to the attached hood, I was able to cover her head so she wouldn't get totally distracted by everyone around her, which has been a big problem lately. In no time, she was fast asleep and I was checking out books with the rest of the family. Then I had my husband try. He quickly got her in with a little adjustment and wore her through the store. There was a lot less adjusting than we normally endure when sharing a ring sling and we were able to avoid the hassle of a wrap for a quick 10 minute grocery trip. And doesn't he just look handsome baby wearing?

All in all, I am really impressed with the ease and comfort of the Ergo, and I especially love the built in hood for helping to encourage older infants to sleep! That's why I am so thrilled to offer you a chance to win your own Ergo courtesy of ERGObaby.


Want to win your own ERGO? It's easy and fun!
During the month of October, we're giving away fabulous prizes just for getting connected with other parents.


Here's how to win:
All of our giveaways, which are fabulous, will be chosen from the new Connected Mom community or followers of the blog.
We will draw a winner from our new Connected Mom community.




We'll draw a winner on November 1st.


So get involved and you could win your own ERGO, or one of these fabulous prizes.

Disclaimer: ERGObaby provided a sample for my personal use, but I received no compensation for this review. This review is my own opinion and based solely on my experience.

The Beauty of Babywearing Video

Babywearing has gotten some bad press of late due to a few unfortunate incidents involving cheap, bag style slings. Babywearers know these are no-no's, but sadly these large manufacturers' irresponsibility has destroyed small companies, including the popular brand HotSlings.  This week we have word that there is a possible BLANKET recall of baby carriers.  One of the given reasons is that the CPSC is concerned about babies in contact with mothers' bodies.  Not only are they destroying small business, they are now over-reaching and telling gentle, loving parents how to parent.  Please consider contacting your state representatives to express your concern! You can find contact info here.

But for those of us who know the benefits of babywearing, who know it is safe, and who believe it is best for baby, we'd like to share this video of happy babies and mothers bonding using the healthy, natural practice of babywearing.

Many thanks to the moms and dads who read our site for sharing photos.

As well as:

Baby Carrier Industry Alliance

Adventures in Babywearing

Babywearing It Up

Dr. William Sears

If you are interested in posting this video on your site, please contact Jenn using the info on her contact page. Thank you!