midnight snuggles

Gwen hasn't bedshared full time since she was still a baby. It just didn't work for us past infancy. But I love our morning snuggles when she comes to bed with us on the weekends. And sometimes I love the calls in the dark night.

Recently there was such a night. She was having trouble settling, so I squeezed in her little bed with her. She lay her face against my chest and we had warm snuggled under her soft fleece blanket. In that moment, I could see how people do it full time. In that moment there was no where else I could be but snuggled with my girl, warm and sweet. There was no where else I wanted to be, it just felt right, comforting, contented. She fell asleep quickly and deeply; and I lingered for a bit.

We've always done our best to respect her sleep needs, while making sure our needs are getting met as well. For people who NEVER thought they would bedshare, the bit that we did was a lovely surprise, and I don't begrudge its ending. But sometimes, in those moments, I wish it had lasted.

I thought it would be forever...

I thought I would fight you on sleep forever. When the nights are long, and you have to be shushed and bounced and rocked and nursed, it feels like forever. But here we are at almost 4, and bedtime is a breeze. After we read a book, I tuck you in and turn out the lights. I rub your back for just a minute, then we give kisses, I tell you how much I love you and I leave. Simple as that.

I thought I would nurse you forever. When you are touched out and tired and sore, it feels like forever. But at 39 months you led me, and did it yourself. The end was as peaceful and sweet as I had hoped, and you still remember fondly how you drank milkies.

I thought you would be in diapers forever. When you are changing your 2 poop diaper of the day, and being told NO that you don't want to sit on the potty, it feels like forever. But when the time was right, you did that practically on your own too. Happily sitting on the toilet to pee, and fine with waiting if we weren't next to a bathroom.


Despite how it feels when you are tired and worn, I know that nothing is really forever. Except for my love for you, child. That will never change.

Five Reasons Why You Don't Want a "Good" Baby . . . at least not all the time!

Few things frustrate me more than being asked if I have a "good" baby. I know that most people are wondering if I have a baby who sleeps through the night/naps well, doesn't cry often, keeps himself entertained, etc. but it irks me that somehow my baby isn't "good" if he doesn't fit those parameters.  Especially since those traits may make a baby more convenient, but they have nothing to do with how "good" of a person that baby is.  Just because a baby might have more needs than another or is more expressive about those needs, it doesn't mean that baby is "bad." In fact, it just might be better to have a baby who is decidedly inconvenient and not "good."

1.  Babies who aren't "good" wake up a lot . . . and that makes them less vulnerable to SIDS.

Babies are designed to wake up often for good reason.  SIDS is actually related to a baby's inability to rouse easily or detect a build up of carbon dioxide in their blood.  Now, the general mainstream medical consensus is that babies are safest on their backs in their own beds, but other medical experts have suggested that babies may be safest when with co-sleeping with their sober, non-smoking mothers.  In fact, SIDS rates have continued to stay low despite a rise in safe co-sleeping.  This might have to do with the increase in breastfeeding rates among co-sleeping mothers as much as anything else, but the fact remains that while "good" babies might let their mothers have more uninterrupted sleep, babies who aren't so good (or aren't good all the time) actually demonstrate that they have a good arousal instinct and that is a definite positive!  Besides, there are sweet, snuggly times to be had when babies are awake, sleepily nursing, and snuggling with you that mamas of babies who sleep all the time, just don't get.

2.  Babies who aren't "good" cry a lot . . . and that means they are attached enough to want to communicate and believe that you will respond to their cries.

We all know people who are more verbal about what is going on with them than others.  Babies are just little people.  So, some of them will cry more than others because some of them just have more they want to say.  Some babies also just have more to communicate.  No matter how much or how little your baby cries at night or during the day, it is good because your baby is communicating (even if it doesn't seem that way at two a.m.).  The fact that your baby consistently is communicating with you about his or her needs is a positive thing.  It proves that your baby trusts you enough to tell you about what's going on with her/him.  By responding to your baby's cries, you are forming a trusting, attached relationship with your baby.  This might not mean your baby stops crying right away or that your baby cries less, but it does mean that your baby believes that you are going to respond to his or her needs.  When that baby grows up this will translate into words.  For example, my eldest baby cried a lot, and now, when he is sick, he still talks a lot.  He's just the kind of person who feels things very strongly and he needs to talk about his emotions to process them.  Because of the relationship we've been forming since his very first newborn baby cries, we have a very open communication line and I hope that honest communication continues for years to come.

3.  Babies who aren't "good" don't just lay/sit around and play with their toys . . . they are curious about their world and they want to explore it.

We've all had those moments when we've wanted to just put our babies down and have them keep themselves busy while we finish dinner/pick something up/whatever, and sometimes they may let us, but some babies mostly use that time to get into things, practice their crying communication with you, and generally cause a ruckus.  However, these are all good things!  A baby who isn't very interested in the world around them or who doesn't want to test that you will come running at least part of them time, is not a baby who is very interested in the outside world and that lack of curiosity probably isn't their best trait.  I imagine that if we could interview the mothers of most of the world's greatest inventors, innovators, and entrepreneurs, we would probably discover that as babies and small children they were incredibly curious and often got themselves into some scrapes because of it.  Whenever my sons are driving me crazy testing my communication line with them from the next room, I just remind myself that Pavlov's mother was probably his first and best test subject.

4.  Babies who aren't "good" don't stay in their car seats all the time; they insist on being held/worn and seeing the world from a higher level.

Risks of leaving your baby in their car seats frequently and shopping with your baby in his/her car seat aside, babies who are not kept in their car seats all the time actually tend to do a little better because they are held more often and get worn in a carrier.  In fact, God bless babies who aren't "good" all the time because they are the reason babywearing was invented and the benefits of babywearing are amazing.  From heart rate/physiological benefits for newborns to social interactions/connections with toddlers, your babies are made to be in your arms or worn and nothing but good comes from it . ..even if it seems inconvenient for you and what you want to get done at times.

5.  Babies who aren't "good" don't listen to what "they" tell you about parenting, they make you learn to listen to your heart and do more research.

You know who "they" are.  "They" are the ones who were asking you whether or not your baby was "good" to begin with.  "They" tell you you need to do XYZ to make your child into a convenient "good" baby or "they" will congratulate you when your baby doesn't cry or make a fuss, but give unsolicited advice when they do.  Babies who aren't "good" don't give a flying fruit what they say and if you let them, they will teach you not to care, either.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to examine who you are as a parent and as a person.  They teach you to make real connections to them and they become the catalyst for you to learn more about them, parenting, and yourself as a person.  Babies who aren't "good" push you to become better than you've ever been before and they teach you where your limitations are.

Babies who aren't "good" all the time are my favorite kind of babies!

Thank you for reading and kiss your "not good all the time" babies for me!
Shawna

transitioning from crib to bed

We had a bit of excitement in our house last Friday, when we finally decided to take the front off of Gwen's crib and turn it into a toddler bed. ::gulp:: 

She was so content in her crib that we always figured, why mess with what worked?! But she is really getting so big, and the whole previous week she has been asking about sleeping in a real bed, since she slept in a single bed at my Aunt and Uncle's, and fell asleep in a single bed every night at Cape Cod (I then transferred her to a pack'n'play before I went to sleep since it was my single bed she was falling asleep in!). I'm feeling a little "Mahhh Bayy-Beee" about the whole thing, but she is so ready. I had high hopes for a easy transition.

So, Friday night, post dinner, we headed upstairs with the Allen wrench and removed the front of her crib, then added the little guard. The guard went on the opposite side of where she has always slept, but we didn't even worry about turning her around, since she hadn't fallen out once during all the single bed sleeping the previous week. We actually said, well she won't even need that... famous last words! She fell out the first night (though she didn't even fully wake herself when she did), and I ended up moving all of her blankets/pillows/stuffed animals and turning her while she slept!

A little excited, huh?!

Thankfully, otherwise the transition has been pretty easy. Other then a bit of fussiness around 10pm, she's been sleeping just like normal. And since we turned her, she hasn't fallen out again! She loves the novelty of hopping into bed all on her own, and reading her books in her "big girl bed." She loves climbing out by herself in the morning too, but so far (::knocks on wood::) still waits for us to come into her room to "get her up."

Next project will be turning that toddler bed into a real bed (should be easy with the conversion rails which we already have). But that will need a full weekend, as it will involve buying a new mattress, some new sheets, and rearranging her room. I am pretty excited for the project though! It will be fun to change Gwen's room from her nursery into her big girl room, and new sheets of her own choosing will go a long way.

Sleeping Like a Baby

When pregnant with Baby #1, Dear Hubby and I researched cribs and crib mattresses as if world peace hinged on our decision. Of course, we also had a bassinet for our room, where we figured she might sleep for "a few weeks, maybe" until we moved her across the hall to her own room, because . . . that's what parents do, that's what parents need, that's what babies do, that's what babies need.

Baby #1 (aka, Agent E) had a different idea.

I'll spare you the saga of long nights sitting up with E, attempt after failed attempt to get her back in that bassinet. How I swung back and forth between letting her "really" wake up (i.e., get mad enough to start crying) and grabbing her immediately at the first whimper. How it took me weeks (months? It's a blur now.) to realize that her night time needs were not going to go away, and I needed a sustainable plan for dealing with them while maintaining my own sanity.

Someone had given me a copy of a very nice sounding book about infant/child sleep. I won't mention it specifically, but let's just say it implied that following its recommendations would not only lead to "better" sleep all around, but also health and happiness. So promising! And then I actually read it.

Truthfully, it made me queasy. Forcing baby into a strict schedule to fit your needs (not hers), solitary sleep in a dark room with no contact presented as the only option, listening to your baby cry for up to an hour, even if she made herself throw up. I had a hard time believing (to put it mildly) that people read this and think, yeah, that sounds about right.

I knew there had to be another way. I wandered the "baby and child care" section at the nearest bookstore looking for something to pop out at me. I came home with a copy of The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. I began reading it a little at a time during E's nursing sessions (which were plentiful, and new-mom confusing in their own right, another post). 

Holy light-bulb moments. I nodded along so much with the text, at one point I might have been mistaken for a Breastfeeding Bobblehead.

The thing is, I hadn't considered sleep "options" at all while pregnant. In my mind, there was only one thing to do: solo sleep, bassinet to crib as quickly as possible, baby in her own room basically from the get-go. I didn't even realize there were choices: bedsharing vs. co-sleeping (no; they're not the same), crib in the same room vs. crib in a separate room, starting out the night in one place and moving on the first wake up. It seems ridiculous to me now (and even a tad embarrassing) that it never occurred to me that I could do whichever one of these worked for us as a family and it would be fine.

Still, I hesitated. If I bought a bed rail, did that mean I couldn't change my mind and move her out of our bed later if it weren't working? If I asked Hubby to dismantle the crib and refashion it as a sidecar, did that mean I had to commit to this idea long term?

I know a huge part of the problem I had reconciling my choices at first was that conventional wisdom about babies and sleep led me to think in absolutes. I was confronted from every angle by if . . . then statements. If you bring baby into your bed, then she'll never want to leave. If you don't teach her to sleep on her own, then she will depend on you to fall asleep forever. If you always nurse to sleep, then she will always expect it.

The major flaw in this logic is that it assumes babies (and children, and parents for that matter) are inflexible and stagnant. This is simply not true. Babies' needs change. Parents' needs change. Everything changes.

The other flaw is that it imposes an unnatural sense of urgency on a natural development. The belief that simply waiting it out is not good enough. That you need to take action. Speed things up.

The truth is, it is okay to wait. It is okay to allow your baby (or toddler, or preschooler) to ease into solo sleep following his or her own timeframe. Really.

As for my little Agent E? The one whose newborn night time needs caused me to re-evaluate? She'll be seven soon. Contrary to what well-meaning folks tried to warn me about, she sleeps well, all night (barring any illness or nightmares), in her own bed, without coercion. Oh, and she weaned a long time ago, mostly of her own accord. As all children eventually do, she gave up nursing to sleep, she no longer needed me to be near her all night, and she learned to not just tolerate but actually love her own bed in her own room . . . when she was ready.

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.

p.s. How serendipitous that as I was drafting this post (and puttering, ahem) a status from SortaCrunchy (awesome blog, BTW) came through my newsfeed about a Facebook group, "Wait It Out" Method Support (Toddler/Infant Sleep). 

Letting Him Cry

"You need to let him cry sometimes."

I can't tell you how many times I was told that when my son was a tiny baby. What I found most irritating about the comment was the assumption that, somehow, I had found a way to have a baby who didn't cry or that if I didn't let him cry enough, he was somehow going to forget how to cry. The truth was that he cried all the time. I just held him while he cried or once I figured out what he was communicating, I would do what he needed me to do and he would stop crying. Just because he didn't cry much during that person's visit, didn't mean that I was somehow magically stopping my child from crying all of the time. (In fact, before we figured out exactly how much I needed to eliminate from my diet for my son's reflux, we went weeks where the nightly routine involved my husband holding my son for one or two hour increments in which he cried the whole time just so I could lie down for an hour or two.) I always viewed his crying as his way of communicating with me and whether I "let" him cry or not, the tears always came because he always needed to communicate. He would just stop crying when it was clear that his message had been communicated.

However, there are times when I was and am "okay" with my son's tears. There were times when, as bad as I feel about how upset he is, I knew that his discomfort is necessary and only temporary and I communicate that to him by "letting him cry." For example, he always cried when I changed his diaper for the first three months, when I bathed him for about the first six months, when I showered, when he was in his car seat, (a few desperate times) when I put him down because I needed to get some emotional space away from his tears, and, recently, he has been crying when I brush his teeth, occasionally when its bath time, and, on rare occasions, when he wants treats instead of his regular food at mealtimes. What has made those times more acceptable to me is that even though I feel bad for his discomfort, I am not ignoring what he is communicating or irnoring the discomfort he feels. Instead, I am communicating to him that there are some things (like safety, hygiene, or nutrition) are more important than temporary discomfort. I really have no guilt about "letting" him cry when I feel I need to communicate those kinds of messages to him. I also don't leave him alone to cry during those times and I don't do things to intentionally push him. I don't force him to bathe every day just to "make him get over it," when he is having a tough time giving up the control needed to let me bathe him, I only do it two or three times during the week. I didn't take extra long showers while he cried in the other room "to show him who was boss" (as was suggested by some people I knew), I took a quick shower, usually with him in the bathroom with me while I talked him through it. If "letting him cry" tore me up inside or made me feel guilty or awful, I always knew that I should be doing what it is I needed to do to ease his tears. My own guilt is my litmus test about when it was important for him to cry.

The strongest message I can send him about what is important is to show how responsive I can be to his cries when there is something he is communicating that I can and should do something about it. If he is hurt, I respond to his cries (even if he isn't very hurt and mainly needs my attention because I've let myself be too distracted with other things like cleaning the house or talking to other people). If it is something I can feel good compromising about, then I feel fine compromising. (For example, when he wants mango at lunch instead of oranges.) By showing him that I will be there with him and will listen to him even when he is communicating discomfort and displeasure, I hope that I setting the stage for him to continue to communicate with me when he does use words as his primary form of communication. Sometimes, I do think its okay to cry, but only when there is a genuine, good reason why the cry is necessary. I think that is a very important lesson. How could I communicate THAT to him, if I didn't first respond to his first forms of communication?

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Co-Napping: The Most Beautiful Thing You Can Do for Yourself and Your Child

We co-nap everyday. There, I said it. My son is two and I still co-nap with him. Grant you, now that he's up less at night, I don't usually sleep during his nap. Often I read a book or sometimes I turn on the tv and watch something quietly while he sleeps curled up against me. It's actually my favorite part of the day.

In the beginning, co-napping was a necessity. For the first six months, his reflux was so bad that he couldn't sleep for more than ninety minutes in a stretch night or day. The only way he could sleep during the day was if I held him against my chest in my arms or in a sling and bounced him the entire time in an exercise ball. (At one point, I timed myself bouncing him regularly for about eight hours a day.) So, when I finally found the magic combination of things to eliminate from my diet (milk, tomatoes, garlic, onions, wheat, anything spicy, and all citrus) so that he could side-lie nurse and fall asleep at six months without waking up screaming and in pain, co-napping was the only way I could survive because he was still up between eight and ten times a night. (In addition to food allergies and reflux, my son also found it impossible to sleep every time he was teething.) I still remember the first day I successfully nursed him to sleep laying side by side and then was able to fall asleep myself for a whole forty minutes. HEAVEN.

Of course, some things have changed in the year and a half since then. He used to nurse the whole nap (sometimes waking up to discover he had somehow stopped nursing and then would frantically latch himself back on) but now he just nurses for ten minutes or so and then, if he hasn't fallen asleep while nursing, he just snuggles up against me and goes to sleep. Now that we're down to one nap a day in the middle of the day, he actually sleeps an hour and a half up to sometimes two whole hours which is something that I never could have dreamed of in a nap when he was younger.

For me, it is a time to sometimes "re-set" after a difficult morning. It's a time of connection even as its also a time of relaxation. It's hard to stay stressed out no matter how many tantrums defined the morning when you look at your little one sleeping. Meanwhile, it feels good to take that time for myself to recharge as well. I now know why "siesta" is so important in some cultures. It's not about getting more sleep. It's about taking time just to be quiet and breathe.

I know what you are thinking . . . "How the heck does she get anything done?" Here's my answer, I do all showering, housecleaning, phone calling, errand running, and cooking with my son awake and in tow. (He doesn't even watch tv except for 30-45 minutes in the afternoon when I watch it with him snuggled up on either the couch or the bed.) Does that mean that it probably takes me a lot longer to do just about everything than it takes you to do it during your kid's nap? Probably, but to me, it's worth it.

You may also be thinking, "What will you do when he is older? Isn't she worried that he'll never fall asleep alone? What will she do when she has more than one?" Actually, I'm not really worried about what will happen when he's older or when we have another one. All my pre-mother worries about how I would do things produced no answers that I was able to use once I had my son, so I don't bother planning the future much anymore. The truth is that he will stop nursing some day, he will also stop napping some day, and we will (hopefully) juggle multiple children's sleeping schedules one day and I will cross those bridges when I come to them. For now, this works. It more than works; it is amazing. My son LOVES nap time. When he is tired, he practically runs to my bedroom and gets my book out for me. When he wakes up, he isn't screaming and yelling to be let out; instead, he simply smiles and gives me a kiss. Same with bedtime, he never fights me about going to bed because going to sleep is a relaxing time of connection for us.

I actually wonder what moms who use nap time as their time to scramble and get everything done will do when their children stop napping. What will their children do? My son already lives in a house where he knows the bathrooms need cleaning (and how to do it), the shelves need dusting, the laundry needs doing and the floors need sweeping. He knows there are times when he needs to be quiet because Mama is on the phone. Housecleaning time is just more time for us to be together and connect. Maybe if we have younger siblings some day that do need a nap a day with mama, he will be open to spending that hour quietly reading, coloring, or watching a movie and snuggling. After all, he's already learned that's what you do when you love someone who happens to need naps. So, if you are a co-napper and you are feeling guilty about it, don't! If you aren't a co-napper and you have the opportunity to do it either during the week or on the weekends, but were afraid of the consequences, don't be! Your children are only young once and they will only want to snuggle with you to go to sleep for a little while. (I read somewhere the week my son was born that children born now can reasonably expect to live to 100 years old, so if they only nap for three years and you nap with them . . . that's still only 3% of their lives.) Take the time for yourselves and your children. It is worth your time!

I know that co-napping isn't for everyone. So, if it doesn't fit "you," than I believe you. But for the rest of us, I say snuggle up!

Thanks,

Shawna

My Name Is Kayce, And I Have A Sleep Fighter

Through High School, I went every day on only a few hours of sleep.  I was a teenager, it was fun talking to my friends late at night, and I could bounce back pretty fast.  Even now as an adult, I have nights where I stay up reading until four or five or six in the morning (though as a mom, it is much much harder to bounce back from only a couple hours of sleep).  It actually makes birth work a little easier since I have never had much trouble from lack of sleep, and sometimes we are out all night and I get home, sleep for an hour, and then my daughter wakes up.

No biggie, right?

I didn't realize that lack of sleep and being able to function could be passed on to my children.

Even when I lie down for bed at night, I have to relax, try to empty my mind, and even if I am dead tired, I won't be asleep for about a half hour.  As opposed to my husband that is out like a light the second his head hits the pillow.

My daughter is like me, only worse.

I've heard of kids fighting IN their sleep, I've heard of kids that sleep very lightly and wake up at the slightest noise, but I had never heard of kids that actually fought for HOURS before falling asleep for naps or for the night.

Lucky me, my daughter is one of the latter.

When I was nursing her, it wasn't that bad.  She would fall asleep nursing, and we would nurse when she woke up.  When she weaned, she still had a pacifier, so she would wake up, put it back in her mouth, and go to sleep.

My sleeping peacefully and without bruises ended when we got rid of the pacifiers when she was almost eighteen months old.

This was also about the time that she cut out naps during the day.  Joy.

You would lie down with her, and she would fight you.  Kicking, screaming, throwing herself, more screaming, punching, biting, anything really to get out of the bed and not to go sleep.  When she was potty trained, she would say she had to go to the bathroom, or needed a drink of water, or she would scream that you were hurting her.

It got so bad that I didn't even bother trying to get her to nap.  If she was really tired, she would fall asleep on the floor, just conk out, but nothing I did could make that happen.

For two years, going to bed was a three to four hour fight, even with bedsharing.  It is really really hard to be a gentle parent (or even to feel like a gentle parent) when your child is screaming at you that you are making her bleed (which is never true) or when she is kicking you/biting you/hitting you.  The patience wears thin fast.

Pretty soon you just put off going to bed for hours, even though you know they need sleep, all because you dread the fight.  It's easier to stay up into the wee hours of the morning when they fall asleep on their own than to fight them.

We tried instituting a bedtime, we tried doing a ritual (brush our teeth, read a book, say prayers, go to sleep) but she would always want one more or the story wasn't right (even if SHE picked it), and it became exhausting.

We tried going to bed at the same time as her, showing her that we weren't doing anything exciting.  That didn't fly.

We were just at our wit's end.  I thought very hard about trying CIO, and realized that sleep fighting wasn't her way to push me away, and if I tried CIO, I would push her away without any reason at all.

I finally decided to talk about our sleep troubles with other moms, and I ended up crushed.  No one else that I knew had this much trouble putting their kid to sleep for this long.  They would look at me with pity and with a little bit of wonder as to what I was doing wrong because my child refused to sleep.

I felt like a walking time bomb ready to go off.

And then, I found it.  I found another mom that had the same trouble with her son!  I found a woman that, on a good night, fought for two hours to put him to bed.  I instantly didn't feel alone!  She is also a gentle parent, and talking to her, I realized I wasn't doing anything wrong.  My daughter is just like this!

My brother and his wife were staying with us for a couple days this week, and my daughter has started having really good days with going to sleep (where she is out within minutes without a fight!) and then has really really bad nights where the fight lasts anywhere from an hour to five hours.  Of course, every time they had seen her, she had great nights.

Finally, the gloves came off.  For an hour and a half, she fought me, while they were sitting in the living room.  I could hear their shocked voices, wondering what I was doing to her as she screamed, "Don't touch my owies! No! There's blood everywhere!!!"  (I am actually surprised none of my neighbors have called the cops on me because of what she screams while fighting.)

After an hour and a half, I gave up and took her back into the living room.  We sat on the couch with my brother and his wife, their eyes as big as saucers, and my daughter was asleep within a few minutes.  I could see the questions forming on their faces that they were too scared to ask.

"Are all kids like this, and no one tells you??"

I was able to calmly tell them that most children didn't do this, and mine is one of the select few that will punish me with her sleep habits for years.

And the thing is, saying it made it seem like it was all okay.  I knew that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that there is nothing physically or mentally wrong with her, she just does not like sleep.

Basically, what I want you all to know that have children like mine, you are not alone.

You may feel very alone when you are trying to get your child to sleep, or when they say they hate you, or kick or bite or punch, but you aren't.

Many of us are hiding on the sidelines because we feel it is our fault, and guess what!  It isn't!!

Not all children are the same, and even though it sucks so very much to have a sleep fighter, there is nothing that you did to cause this.  Some kids have trouble sharing, some have trouble eating vegetables, some hate water, and then some kids just do not want to go to sleep.

As parents, we all have something we hold in, something we wish we could do better or someway we could be better, and this is mine.

She is much better now than she was two and a half years ago, thank goodness, but those hard nights still make me wish I had done something different, even though rationally I know that I have done all that I could to fix this "issue".

I just need to back off a little, realize that this isn't about me, and go back to finding out and trying what works for her until sleep fighting is a thing of the past.

Love Songs and Lullabies Review and Giveaway!

My family loves music, but love anything that we can sing to.  My daughter is getting to the age where she loves musicals and remembers most songs after hearing them only once.  I had been looking for a lullaby CD that we could listen to while going to sleep that was both calm and songs my daughter would love, and finally, we found it!

Emma Wallace has released a new Lullaby CD and it is absolutely amazing!!

Filled with songs that most people already know and a few written by Emma herself, sung by Emma, whose voice is beautiful (and I don't enjoy many female singers because they are too airy), and my daughter was able to fall asleep to calming music that she had heard and enjoyed before.

The songs are both the classics, yet changed so that they fit the style of the CD and the beauty of Emma's voice. Most nights that this CD played, I found myself drifting off with my daughter because they melted the stress away and led to such relaxing sleep.

There are 11 tracks, seven of which are written by Emma, and they are my favorite.  Beautiful songs to help sooth hurts, calm fears, and help with an amazing night of sleep.

The best party, I received an extra CD to give to one of you!

Basic Rules:

• This giveaway is open only to US and Canada (So sorry to the readers in other parts of the world!)
• You *must* complete the mandatory entry or the other entries don't count
• Each entry must be its own comment
• As always, please make sure to leave your email address, or have your email on your public profile so we have a way to contact you if you win

Entries (each number is ONE entry):

1. (Mandatory entry) Go to Emma's site and listen to one of the previews. Let me know what you thought of it :)
2. Follow @theconnectedmom and @iamemmamusic and tweet about the giveaway.  (Limit 2 entries per day.  Make sure to put both twitter handles in the tweet so it counts)
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6. Follow us publicly through Google Friend Connect

This giveaway will be open until July 25th at 11:59pm.  The winner will be drawn on July 26th via random.org.  I will email the winner, and you have 48 hours to get back to me or I will choose another winner.  Good luck, and hope you win!

I received this Lullaby CD to review, the views expressed are my own, and no other compensation was given

Review: Nursies When the Sun Shines

I have been very candid in the past about my son's nighttime sleep habits (or, unfortunately, lack there of). I believe very strongly that sleep decisions are very personal decisions made by families based on both the parents' needs and their children's needs. I also believe that there is a balance to be struck between the two. Too often, we are told that the only way to approach sleep is all or nothing. Sometimes it seems like our choice is between make them cry it out in a bed by themselves or night nurse them forever in the family bed. I think in our hearts we know that we should (and do) have other choices, but sometimes we are afraid to "make it up on our own." It's always a wonderful and refreshing opportunity to receive help in the form of materials that support you in your effort to forge your sleep balance in your family.

Gentle night weaning is an idea that we've been considering in our house (now that our son is experiencing a lull in teething and is approaching his second birthday in two months). I've read websites that have gentle night weaning ideas. But when when offered the chance to review a children's book on the topic, Nursies When the Sun Shines, I practically jumped for joy!

Not to judge a book by its cover, but my first impression was that the book (by Katherine Havener and illustrated by Sara Burrier) is absolutely beautiful. And I wasn't the only one to notice it, my son, as soon as I opened the box containing the book, took it from me and hugged it! I think its soothing blue and purple tones set the perfect stage for this sweet little story about a dear little nursling who learns that while mama will always be there to "hold you and love you while you drift back to sleep," nursies happen when the sun shines.

The language itself is rhythmic and it lulls young listeners with its repetition. "Baby" always comes first in this story, followed by "Mommy," and then "Nursies" to underscore the primacy of the mother/child relationship that will continue long after "nursies" end. (I also enjoyed how the pictures themselves provided repetitions of a pet cat, which my son also enjoyed pointing to on almost every page.) Refreshingly, the book was not focused on the fact that the nursies were going to change or go away, but rather that nursies are something special for the daytime. Instead of focusing on the separation, this book builds to a reunion. The last image features a happy nursling latched on as the whole family snuggles together (even the cat looks pleased).

Despite its subject matter, my son loved the book and insisted I read it again and again. He also enjoyed pointing out that mommy, daddy, and baby were in the bed together. An image, alas, that he does not have in any of his other bed time books. While we are not ready to begin night weaning quite yet in our household (we figure our recent cross country move is probably enough excitement for this month), I am confident that if/when we do decide to night wean, this book will be a very useful tool in making the transition from all day nurser to just day nurser that much more smoothly, besides at just $9.99 it is steal! (You can even get a hand signed copy for just $12.99.) They are available for purchase from the book's website!

Interested in finding out more about night weaning? Check out the Nursies When The Sun Shines resources page.

Thanks for reading!
Shawna

Four Lies Sleep Trainers Tell You (And One Truth They Won't!)

I'm writing this for the mama at the end of her rope that has started letting her baby co-sleep (or is contemplating it) and is scared to death that she is doing her child a great disservice. I'm writing this for the mama who is so exhausted every night that she cries just thinking about the sun going down and another night of a crying baby. I'm writing this for the mama who is sitting in a group of other mamas whose babies are all now sleeping through the night (or are all only getting up twice a night at most) while your six (or eight) (or ten) (or eighteen) month old baby is still up five to seven times a night and you almost burst into tears wondering what you are doing wrong. (The answer is NOTHING.) I am writing this for the mama who planned to sleep train and now doesn't think it's the right thing to do. I am writing this for the mama who is thinking she doesn't have the strength to go on, but also doesn't know what she wants to do. In short, I'm writing this for the mama I was this time last year.

I need to come clean. When my son was a newborn I never questioned if I would sleep train, I only wanted to know when to start. Most of the sleep training sites I devoured on-line or read in person told me to start sleep training at the four month mark or "when my baby no longer actually needed me in the middle of the night and was waking up out of habit rather than necessity." I was assured by my reading that there would come a time when he "didn't need me" and was waking up for "attention." He just turned 20 months old and I am still waiting for that time. So, if you are reading this and you have sleep trained your baby or toddler and you think it was what you had to do and it was necessary for your family, I will not argue with you. I don't live in your house; you're the mama and I'll believe that you did (and do) what your family needs you to do and that you did it with love and respect for all your family's needs.
For those who are conflicted like I was, I offer this.

Lie #1: If you start co-sleeping with your child/rocking/nursing your child to sleep, your child will NEVER learn to sleep on his/her own.

Never is a very long time and like most "never" statements, this one is not true. How many adults fall asleep being rocked? How many still co-sleep with their parents? Not everyone was sleep trained, so obviously the child does decide to sleep on his/her own eventually. It is true that time does seem to drag on forever when you have an infant, but believe it or not, these first few years really do only last for a few years (no matter what our sleep deprived sense of time makes it feel like). It can feel like you either have to sleep train right away or you will be doing whatever you are doing "forever," but there are other options.

You will not be parenting your child to sleep forever. My great-aunt co-slept with her adopted daughter from the time she was six months old until she was five years old. Then, one day, her daughter decided she wanted to sleep in her own room and never slept in her mom's room again. This story is about a two year old who decided she was ready. Not sure you can wait until your child is between two and five? You can always sleep train when your baby is older (either a toddler or a kid old enough to reason why sleeping in their own room all night is a good thing) if that feels better to you.

Lie #2 Your child does not need to wake up after the age of four months. It is normal for the your baby to sleep through the night by then.

Just because your baby is physically capable of going without food for longer periods at four months doesn't mean that they are physically ready or emotionally capable to sleep through the night. Several doctors and anthropologists agree that many young humans are not designed to sleep through the night until the age of three or four. Even if it is your doctor telling you that your child is ready to sleep through the night keep in mind two things. (1) Your doctor sees your child for twenty minutes every one to two months while you see him/her every day and (2) doctors often only see night waking from a nutritional point of view. Your child will no longer be at risk for going into a low blood sugar coma if he/she sleeps 12 hours a night. That is hardly the same thing as your child being completely ready. Think of it this way, as an adult, you are physically capable of running a marathon, but without being physically, emotionally, and nutritionally ready, you might not be so great at it. Even with someone there to train you step by step, if you are not mentally and emotionally ready for that marathon, it will be a hundred times harder.

Another thing to think about is how much contact you have with your baby during the day. Breastfeeding hormones and milk levels are regulated by how much physical contact you have with your baby. His or her night waking and co-sleeping which is murder on your energy level at work, might be a key factor in how capable you will be at maintaining a good milk supply.

Lie #3: Sleep is a skill that you must teach your child.

That line haunted me as I struggled with a son who just could not sleep for long stretches because of problems with reflux and food allergies. I was terrified that I was failing to do my job as a mother and teach him sleep, but just think about how silly that sounds. For those who have suffered insomnia, did any amount of "training" teach you to sleep even when you were highly motivated to sleep by your own insomnia? Sleep is what Peggy O'Mara calls "an instinct," just like you don't teach your child to laugh or cry, you cannot teach them to sleep.

You can teach good sleep habits and associations, but you can't force your baby (or yourself) to sleep. You can train your baby not to call for you in the middle of the night, and that might mean you get more sleep, but that does not necessarily mean that your baby will be getting more sleep. He or she might just not bother trying to get your help. (It's this idea that has kept me from sleep training my son thus far. I value that he knows I listen to him when he calls for me and I respect that he calls me only when he needs me.)

Lie #4: If your baby doesn't learn to sleep through the night now, he or she will have sleep problems when they are older and those can be detrimental.

This is another lie that kept me at the edge of breaking into tears at any moment. What I didn't know then, but I do know now is that there is absolutely no correlation between an individual's sleep patterns as a baby or even a toddler and those of when they are an older child or an adult. Babies and toddlers are evolutionarily designed to sleep differently. Again, good sleep habits are wonderful to reinforce from the beginning and do have an effect on how an older child sleeps. If you teach your child that sleep is a fun, relaxing thing, than they will be more willing to go to sleep when older. If you teach then that sleep is a scary and lonely thing, I think that association probably does travel with them as well.

The Truth: You can survive this and so can your child. This will end one day and it will get better.

You are stronger than you think you are. Ask for help when you need it, but inside you is a survivor. Your body and your mind is more resourceful than you can ever imagine and you are not alone. I know it feels like it will never end and I know you feel like you cannot go on. I have shed your tears and I have said those words. You can get through this; if I can anyone can!

Here is what has inspired me. It's from The Tao of Motherhood by Vimala McClure:
Selflessness

Everything which endures can
only do so because Eternal
Consciousness gives it a sentience.

A mother who gives herself
completely to her infant meets
herself in the dark and finds
fulfillment.

In the hours between midnight
and dawn, she crosses the
threshold of self-concern and
discovers a Self that has no limits.
A wise mother meets this
Presence with humility and steps
through time into selflessness.

Infants know when their mothers
have done this, and they
become peaceful.

Who, then, is the doer? Is it the
infant who brings its mother
through the veil of self-concern
into limitlessness? Is it the
mother, who chooses to hold
sacred her infant's needs and
surrender herself? Or is it the
One, which weaves them both
through a spiraling path
toward wholeness?

You can sit and meditate while
your baby cries himself to sleep.
Or you can go to him and share
his tears, and find your Self.

Blame It On The Sleep Deprivation

I feel kind of guilty that I don't have a great post to share today. Things have been exhausting around here. Holliday is teething, and we haven't had normal, or even close to normal sleep in 2 weeks. We have been up with him about 5-8 times per night after he retires at about 11. Lastnight was the best yet. With a midnight bedtime he slept until 8. I felt slightly refreshed this morning, but found myself selfishly wanting more.

Tolliver woke with a cold. A girl in his gymnastics class showed up sick on Tuesday, and voila! here we are with a sick, snuggly toddler.

Times have definitely been trying as of late. I have found myself in tears, frustrated, exhausted and amazed at all the dips and dives of parenthood. In all of this, my husband has been nothing short of amazing. He may not have the right words to calm me when I am in tears, but his actions are definitely making up for it. He has been up with Holliday almost as much as I have. Generally I try to be the one to wake with Hobby in the night, since Shane has to wake for work. Lately my exhaustion is showing, and without complaints, Shane is springing up to soothe our pained boy.

I really am lucky to have such a supportive and involved husband. I know there are so many mamas out there that aren't as lucky. Shane is so hands on, and takes on just as much weight as I do. He doesn't think twice about staying up until midnight with Holliday so that I can try to get an hour or two in before the nightly battle begins. He really does get it. We didn't create a family for me to raise, it's a joint effort. I am amazed by my mama friends who do it all. Most are so used to it that they don't even complain. I'd complain. I rely on the help and boosts of sanity from my husband; I couldn't imagine doing it all myself.

Sorry for the disappointing post, readers. My hope is that things return to normal and I can get back on track for next week.

Tammy, Connected Mom