Sunday School: Beating the Heat

Welcome to the Connected Mom Sunday School. No matter what the course of your child's education, be it unschooling, homeschooling, or conventional schooling, The Connected Mom Sunday School aims to provide you with fun and easy activities for children of all ages and stages. (Have an idea for a Connected Mom Sunday School activity or theme? Either comment below or send your idea to connectedmom (dot) julian (at) gmail (dot) com.)

I hate to beat a dead horse, but the heat of the past few weeks has worn me out. I probably don't take my kids outside as much as I should. It could be hot for several more weeks, so why not make the best of it? I've hunted up some fun learning activities that give you a chance to beat the heat.

Toddler

Sink or Float

My boys can entertain themselves for hours with a bucket of water and some random items from our back yard. Start off with a large, clean pail filled with clean water. Play a game of "sink or float" collect small objects from around the yard and house. You might try sticks, rocks, leaves, small toys, empty bottles, etc. Predict whether they will sink or float, then test your prediction. Your toddler will enjoy experimenting with her environment and, of course, cooling off in the water. She may just like it enough to climb right into the bucket!

**Bonus: Older kids may like to discuss why objects sink or float.

Preschooler

Ice Cube Painting

Preschoolers will enjoy creating a cool piece of artwork while learning about the different stages of water. Kate of minieco.co.uk shares this beautifully simple activity. Freeze a tray of ice cubes, each colored by a few drops of food coloring. (If you are concerned about artificial dyes, India Tree makes natural food colors. Or you can make your own.) Once the cubes have frozen, pop them out of the trays and get creative! This activity is a great way to expose kids to how colors mix to make other colors. What happens when they paint with a red ice cube over a yellow spot?

Kate recommends laying out lots of paper, since this activity can get messy. Also, you can prevent stains on little hands by rubbing on a little moisturizer beforehand. For very young kids, who may to eat the ice, try plain ice cubes on dark paper. They will still get the sensation of the ice and the dark paper will show wet spots easily.

School-Aged Child

Ice Cream in a Bag

The Living Healthy Mom shares a fun ice cream recipe that is sure to keep you cool. This activity will help your kids practice measuring. It's also a great way to avoid artificial colors and flavors you may find at the local ice cream shop. If you have ever seen Superman ice cream ... ahem … on its way out, you know what I mean.

1. Add 1 cup milk, 3 tablespoons sugar, and 1 tsp. vanilla to a small zipper storage bag and seal it.
2. Place ice and rock salt in a larger zipper bag.
3. Put the smaller bag inside the larger zipper bag with the ice and rock salt. Seal the bag.
4. Shake the two bags until the ice cream freezes to your desired consistency. This should take about 15 minutes. If your child finds the bag too cold to hold, insulate it with a hand towel.

You can adjust the ice cream recipe however you like to suit your child's preferences or food sensitivities. The original author recommends coconut sugar and, coconut milk or almond milk. This one from the Youth Nutrition Education Program also looks promising.

**Bonus: With older kids, discuss why the salt helps the ice cream to freeze. Hint: The salt lowers the freezing point of the ice.

Older Child (10+)

Build a Solar Oven

Too hot to cook inside? Hot, sunny days are a perfect opportunity to cook outside and learn about solar energy. Going-Green-Challenge.com provides detailed plans for building a solar oven. The project uses a pizza box, shoe box, or shipping box; aluminum foil; black construction paper; a skewer or dowel; and plastic wrap. You will also need some basic household tools. The original instructions are quite involved, and I wouldn't do them justice to summarize, but you can find everything you need to know here: http://www.going-green-challenge.com/solar-oven-for-kids.html. Going-Green-Challenge lists five solar cooker recipes to try, including mini pizzas and s'mores. What other delicious dishes could you cook by sunlight?

**Note: This project requires the use of a box cutter, and will need the help of an adult.

Orange: Finding Inspiration in One Mom's Tragedy

On the wall of my son's play room is a poster depicting a sunset. It's a wheat field and the gold of the wheat looks gorgeous against the warm orange of the sky. On the bottom of the poster are the words "A sunset is a sunrise on the other side of the world." When I saw that poster, I couldn't help but think it was beautiful sentiment, but now the poster has new meaning.

Like many of you, I have spent the last two months mourning the loss of a brave little boy I've never met. For those of you who don't know the story, Mel Bissing is a blogger who chronicles the adventures of her life with one little boy and his new triplet brothers. Two months ago, however, disaster struck and one of her then six month old triplets, Owen, died very unexpectedly when his heart stopped after going to sleep one night. You can read the heart wrenching account of what happened here and what they "think" caused it here. Throughout it all, Mel has been the definition of grace and honesty in a situation that no one should ever have to endure. She has passionately clung to her faith and her family and has inspired the thousands who were touched by her family's story. She used the loss of her son to save the lives of two other children by turning tiny Owen into an organ donor and has tirelessly worked to find a fitting memorial for her son.

So, what does this have to do with orange or my poster? Mel has shared that orange is Owen's signature color and wears it in honor of him nearly every day. Her devotion has imbued the color with new meaning for all those who read her words. It is the color of her web page now and the color of the t-shirts she is selling to fund her memorial for him. For many of us, it has become the color of hope in the midst of incomprehensible sadness and loss. It is the color of love rising phoenix like out of despair. It is the color of life that goes on (sometimes painfully, for brief moments, sometimes joyfully) for those times when all around us, we feel loss. It is the color of both the sunset and the sunrise on the other side of the world.

Two weeks ago, Mel shared her dream of creating a group of "Owenge Warriors." Her memorial for Owen would be a charitible trust foundation that would fund all kinds of "good works" from painting community parks to making donations in memorial of those who deserve a memorial. I share this with you because I know that everyone reading this blog is likely a parent (or someone who is likely to become a parent) and we all can imagine the pain she must be in and the hole the loss of a child must make. By sharing her story (and much of her emotional struggle), Mel has made Owen "our" lost baby. Let's help her build her memorial in any way we can . . . even if it's by simply reading her blog and sharing how we are inspired by it!

Maybe it's because my own son is an Owen B who has had his own share of health issues (head surgery at ten months and food allergies), or maybe it's just her beautifully brutal honesty about what it's like to survive the un-survivable, but Mel's story has touched me and I want to do everything I can to help her build something out of this momentous loss. I had been wondering how to share this with you, but it wasn't until I read this that I knew how. I have bought a t-shirt and a bracelet from her, but I'd never let her know how much her story has touched me. Every time I see my son, I think of her son and the toddler that he would be one day under different circumstances. Every time I see orange I am reminded of her struggle to make something awe-inpiring out of something out of something awful. Her words, her devotion to telling Owen's story and her determination to make something out of her tragedy has made me want to do the same.

I know that it is easy (and even understandable) to turn away from her story and to focus on its sadness and all the pain she must be in (the sunset), but let yourself focus on the good that is coming from it. Focus on the way her community has pulled together and become a part of that community through the internet. Keep Owen's memory alive for all of our children. Keep your eye on the sunrise.

Thanks for reading and please share this!

My Name Is Kayce, And I Have A Sleep Fighter

Through High School, I went every day on only a few hours of sleep.  I was a teenager, it was fun talking to my friends late at night, and I could bounce back pretty fast.  Even now as an adult, I have nights where I stay up reading until four or five or six in the morning (though as a mom, it is much much harder to bounce back from only a couple hours of sleep).  It actually makes birth work a little easier since I have never had much trouble from lack of sleep, and sometimes we are out all night and I get home, sleep for an hour, and then my daughter wakes up.

No biggie, right?

I didn't realize that lack of sleep and being able to function could be passed on to my children.

Even when I lie down for bed at night, I have to relax, try to empty my mind, and even if I am dead tired, I won't be asleep for about a half hour.  As opposed to my husband that is out like a light the second his head hits the pillow.

My daughter is like me, only worse.

I've heard of kids fighting IN their sleep, I've heard of kids that sleep very lightly and wake up at the slightest noise, but I had never heard of kids that actually fought for HOURS before falling asleep for naps or for the night.

Lucky me, my daughter is one of the latter.

When I was nursing her, it wasn't that bad.  She would fall asleep nursing, and we would nurse when she woke up.  When she weaned, she still had a pacifier, so she would wake up, put it back in her mouth, and go to sleep.

My sleeping peacefully and without bruises ended when we got rid of the pacifiers when she was almost eighteen months old.

This was also about the time that she cut out naps during the day.  Joy.

You would lie down with her, and she would fight you.  Kicking, screaming, throwing herself, more screaming, punching, biting, anything really to get out of the bed and not to go sleep.  When she was potty trained, she would say she had to go to the bathroom, or needed a drink of water, or she would scream that you were hurting her.

It got so bad that I didn't even bother trying to get her to nap.  If she was really tired, she would fall asleep on the floor, just conk out, but nothing I did could make that happen.

For two years, going to bed was a three to four hour fight, even with bedsharing.  It is really really hard to be a gentle parent (or even to feel like a gentle parent) when your child is screaming at you that you are making her bleed (which is never true) or when she is kicking you/biting you/hitting you.  The patience wears thin fast.

Pretty soon you just put off going to bed for hours, even though you know they need sleep, all because you dread the fight.  It's easier to stay up into the wee hours of the morning when they fall asleep on their own than to fight them.

We tried instituting a bedtime, we tried doing a ritual (brush our teeth, read a book, say prayers, go to sleep) but she would always want one more or the story wasn't right (even if SHE picked it), and it became exhausting.

We tried going to bed at the same time as her, showing her that we weren't doing anything exciting.  That didn't fly.

We were just at our wit's end.  I thought very hard about trying CIO, and realized that sleep fighting wasn't her way to push me away, and if I tried CIO, I would push her away without any reason at all.

I finally decided to talk about our sleep troubles with other moms, and I ended up crushed.  No one else that I knew had this much trouble putting their kid to sleep for this long.  They would look at me with pity and with a little bit of wonder as to what I was doing wrong because my child refused to sleep.

I felt like a walking time bomb ready to go off.

And then, I found it.  I found another mom that had the same trouble with her son!  I found a woman that, on a good night, fought for two hours to put him to bed.  I instantly didn't feel alone!  She is also a gentle parent, and talking to her, I realized I wasn't doing anything wrong.  My daughter is just like this!

My brother and his wife were staying with us for a couple days this week, and my daughter has started having really good days with going to sleep (where she is out within minutes without a fight!) and then has really really bad nights where the fight lasts anywhere from an hour to five hours.  Of course, every time they had seen her, she had great nights.

Finally, the gloves came off.  For an hour and a half, she fought me, while they were sitting in the living room.  I could hear their shocked voices, wondering what I was doing to her as she screamed, "Don't touch my owies! No! There's blood everywhere!!!"  (I am actually surprised none of my neighbors have called the cops on me because of what she screams while fighting.)

After an hour and a half, I gave up and took her back into the living room.  We sat on the couch with my brother and his wife, their eyes as big as saucers, and my daughter was asleep within a few minutes.  I could see the questions forming on their faces that they were too scared to ask.

"Are all kids like this, and no one tells you??"

I was able to calmly tell them that most children didn't do this, and mine is one of the select few that will punish me with her sleep habits for years.

And the thing is, saying it made it seem like it was all okay.  I knew that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that there is nothing physically or mentally wrong with her, she just does not like sleep.

Basically, what I want you all to know that have children like mine, you are not alone.

You may feel very alone when you are trying to get your child to sleep, or when they say they hate you, or kick or bite or punch, but you aren't.

Many of us are hiding on the sidelines because we feel it is our fault, and guess what!  It isn't!!

Not all children are the same, and even though it sucks so very much to have a sleep fighter, there is nothing that you did to cause this.  Some kids have trouble sharing, some have trouble eating vegetables, some hate water, and then some kids just do not want to go to sleep.

As parents, we all have something we hold in, something we wish we could do better or someway we could be better, and this is mine.

She is much better now than she was two and a half years ago, thank goodness, but those hard nights still make me wish I had done something different, even though rationally I know that I have done all that I could to fix this "issue".

I just need to back off a little, realize that this isn't about me, and go back to finding out and trying what works for her until sleep fighting is a thing of the past.

Redefining What It Means To Be Perfect

Shortly after I gave birth to my daughter and second child on the 4^th of July, my aunt shared that her youngest daughter and child had just turned 20 years old. While it was no surprise that my cousin was having a 20^th birthday, the news, as I held my newborn, took my breath away for a moment, as I asked myself, “Wait, is that how fast our children grow up?” I remember my cousin when she was 4 and came to Easter dinner at my grandparents house in her pink outfit with a white hat. Looking at my newborn, I was suddenly and already grieving the loss of her childhood. And looking at my son, a fiercely independent boy around the corner from his third birthday, I already regretted the moments when I was not my best self – especially in the latest heat wave that hit New York. Generally, I have a lot of patience and compassion for children. But in the heat, I’ll be the first to admit I am a cranky witch always on her last nerve.

Still, my aunt sharing that her youngest child was no longer a child had me rethink the moments that I caught myself about to snap at my son simply because I was so hot I couldn’t think straight. My aunt then shared with me the wisdom that comes with time and perspective: essentially that as parents, we all wish we could take back the moments when we weren’t the best parents, but, she said, life isn’t perfect and neither are we. We can only give ourselves the grace to know we always did the best we could at that moment in time and let go of the rest. Thankfully, our children love us unconditionally and forgive us; they rebound from those moments simply because they’re grounded in the knowledge that we love them.

Yet I also caught myself getting stuck on the word and phrase that I so often hear women use to describe those moments they aren’t proud of: mainly, that we aren’t perfect. I hear this a lot – in those “Mommy wars” conversations, about leaving our children to go back to work and how “perfect” or “good” mothers feel guilty for not being with their children, but also feel guilty because they enjoy their work and want to do something for themselves that leaves them satisfied. I hear it get used when women feel they need a break from their work, children and even husbands – and that if they were perfect they wouldn’t need to.

The idea of what a “perfect” parent is is so subjective it’s meaningless. Perfect in itself doesn’t actually describe anything. Does it mean you never yell at your kids or get frustrated when you need to be at the subway stop in a matter of minutes, but your toddler is stopping to inspect every rock and stick on the sidewalk? Does it mean that when you do yell or are less than respectful to your child you also apologize and teach your child that you are as equally human as they are and that it’s okay to make mistakes or that we sometimes act in ways we’re not proud of as long as we also do our best to be responsible for the repercussions of our behavior?

Or in terms of having a perfect marriage – what does that mean? That you never fight and always are rational or that you do fight and allow each other to get angry because at the very least it means you’re communicating and grappling with the more complex aspects of what it means to share a life with someone?

Essentially, the idea of perfection just becomes another yardstick of ideal we use to measure ourselves up against and beat ourselves up with. As I reflected on what my aunt said of her own parenting, I decided she was right: all we can ever do is our best in that moment – whether it’s as a parent, a spouse, an employee, a neighbor or whatever. There will be moments we learn from and want to do over and even wish we could take back. But why not either leave the idea of perfection out of it – or redefine the notion of what it is to be perfect? Maybe we could instead practice self-acceptance, and even go so far to suggest that we’re perfect as we are – and are not. Instead of having being perfect be the goal, maybe we could instead have it be the starting place.

In each moment, we can only do our best, and sometimes doing our best looks different than it did the moment before. This is where I noticed a degree of grace begin to emerge as I thought all these things through. Me doing my best with my son in a heat wave just days after I had given birth to his sister? Well, I had no right to expect from myself what I am normally capable of. After I give birth doing my best essentially means I don’t get out of my pajamas, I drink plenty of fluids, rest, and am excited to see my son when he walks in the door from his play date. The idea of perfection in many moments isn’t even relevant – but allowing ourselves some compassion always is.

My Experience with Cosleeping and Occasional Bedsharing

When my son was born I didn't know much about cosleeping or bedsharing. In fact they were terms that I was unfamiliar with. I knew people who slept in the same room with their babies as well as others who slept in the same bed with their babies. I just never associated a term with either practice and, I never thought much of it. It was one of those things that some parents do and others don't. It didn't seem like a major decision to me. My mom tried cosleeping with some of her children and found that she and the baby slept more soundly when sleeping in separate rooms and relying on a baby monitor. After hearing her experience, I decided to skip the bassinet in my bedroom and just put my son in a crib in his own room. I know. I can't believe I ever felt that way either.

(Just so we're on the same page: Cosleeping and Bedsharing are two separate terms. Cosleeping is sleeping in the same room as your child. Bedsharing is sleeping in the same bed as your child. Bedsharing is always considered cosleeping since you are obviously in the same room if you are in the same bed. Cosleeping is the broader term that includes bedsharing, but also sleeping on separate beds in the same room.)

When my son was born we didn't have completely ideal living arrangements. We lived with my parents. It's wasn't the best arrangement but we were grateful to have it. My parents cleared out the bedroom right next to the one we were staying in and converted it into a nursery for our son. We had a crib in there but also a twin sized bed that my parents had no room for anywhere else. That twin bed ended up being the place I slept the most often as well as being the place I breastfed my son the most often. I ended up cosleeping most nights for the first year or so of my son's life. I had a baby monitor, but it was easier to sleep in my son's room with him and not wake up my husband who worked very early in the mornings.

My sister-in-law has a daughter 6 months older than my son and has had wonderful success with bedsharing. After hearing how much easier nighttime feedings were and how much she enjoyed snuggling with her daughter all night long, I decided to try it. I didn't sleep at all. I was so worried I would smother my son with blankets or roll over on top of him. I was mostly worried that my husband who is a violent sleeper would elbow his precious face or something of the sort. I tried it on several occasions with a similar result. I was so stressed about protecting my son that I didn't get any sleep. When my son had a mild case of RSV as an infant, I had to hold him in an upright position all night long. (He slept on my chest while I was propped up with pillows in a reclining type position) This was definitely an opportunity to keep trying the whole bedsharing thing, but despite bedsharing for 2 weeks straight, I never seemed to manage getting any sleep. I gave up on bedsharing and decided it just wasn't for me.

So despite thinking I wouldn't sleep well if I coslept, I still ended up cosleeping (sleeping on the twin bed in my son's room) the majority of the time during the first year of my son's life. When we moved out of my parents house and into our own place, our son was about 18 months old and started climbing out of his crib. We made the switch to a toddler bed and he LOVED sleeping in his big boy bed and also loved his own room. He never asked us to stay in his room with him and he also never asked or tried to come into our room. He slept in his own room by himself and enjoyed it. We didn't shut him in. We slept with the doors open and he had every opportunity to join us in our room, but never chose to do so.

Fast forward 2 years and now that I have a 3 and 1/2 year old, he only wants to sleep in our room. This all started when my husband got a new job and started working nights a few times a week. I initiated the bedsharing and told him that since Dad was gone, he could sleep in my bed with me. My son told me no! I couldn't believe it. My first night in years having my husband gone all night and I was going to have to sleep alone. I was finally able to talk my son into just laying in my bed to read bedtime stories and he decided bedsharing might be fun and that he would stay. We both discovered that we quite like bedsharing! Now that he is older, I don't have the same worries I had when he was a newborn. I especially love snuggling in the mornings before getting out of bed. It's the best way to start your day.

Since that time, my son has decided he likes sleeping in my bed. We bedshare quite often. He also discovered that he doesn't like sharing the bed when it's too crowded (when Dad is home) and prefers sleeping on a crib mattress placed on the floor in our room on those nights. I am constantly surprised with the changes that take place in my life as my child grows. I never thought I would start bedsharing at 3 years old. I also never realized how much I could love it! Now most nights, my son sleeps in our room with us. He either sleeps in our bed with me when Dad's not home, or sleeps on his own little bed in our room. He has started to prefer that and honestly, so have we. The only downside is that my husband doesn't get to experience the bedsharing part. He has a few times, but when my husband is home, my son prefers to have a bit more space and wants to sleep in his own bed (next to ours).

I know there will be a time when he decides that he prefers his own bed and his own room, but in the grand scheme of things, that day will come all too soon. I'm going to cherish my bedsharing days while I still can. When he decides he wants to sleep in his own room, it will be his decision. Until then, he is always welcome in our room, and in our bed.

Traumatic Birth - Call For Submissions From Solace For Mothers

I found Solace For Mothers only a few months ago.  Having had a traumatic birth, I couldn't believe it had been almost four years before I found this amazing resource.

Solace is a place for mothers to discuss their traumatic birth, and everything that comes with it in a safe environment.  For most women that have been through a traumatic birth, it is hard to talk about what happened for fear you will be told that you are making things up, or that you should just be happy your baby is healthy.  So instead, you keep it all in, and each day it eats at you a little bit more.

The trauma from birth can have more effects than just the physical.  There are emotional and psychological effects that are longer lasting than the physical and get pushed under the rug because they aren't on the surface for people to see.  My grandma once told me that she still has some issues from the birth of her fourth baby, and that was over 45 years ago.

The support from this community is invaluable, and speaking in a safe place can help you feel even a little bit in control.

Solace For Mothers is looking for mothers willing to share their stories to be published in book form.  One of the hardest parts about birth trauma is that most feel alone and don't think anyone else has ever been through this.  This book can be one of the ways to help women feel like others understand how they feel.

If you have been through a traumatic birth, please consider submitting your story.  The format for the story, and the phone number to talk to a counselor if you are having trouble writing your story, can be found HERE.

The awareness for traumatic birth needs to be raised, women need to realize they aren't alone.  If your story can help that, truly consider submitting.

Love Songs and Lullabies Winner!

And the winner is....

#5 - Brenda!!  I've emailed you to let you know, get back to me within 48 hours :)

Thank you to all that entered, and to Emma for donating such an awesome product to us!

Tattling: The Post I Will Read In 3-5 Years And Have A Good Laugh At My Own Expense

I love kids. I have always loved kids. Kids are joy pure and simple, they are fluffy clouds, rainbows, unicorns, and kittens all rolled up into little humans... Even though they don't always act like it. When they don't act like it I can put up with defiance and sass mouth, I have all the patience in the world for doddling and never ending random questions, but if there was one trait that I could genetically engineer out of every child everywhere it would be tattle telling.

Maybe it's the fact that I am not really into rules. Maybe I just like it when people mind there own dang business. Whatever it is, the constant whining drawn out calls that 'so and so did something' make my skin crawl. They make me want to scream. Make me want to banish otherwise perfectly lovable & awesome children to a deep dark pit never to be heard from again. Seriously.

Every child I've ever met has come into this phase at some point and for years I have been very carefully observing what makes these tattle tales tick in order to minimize, if not totally eliminate it from my son Oliver's development.

Will it work? Most likely not, I highly suspect that tattling is just one of those perfectly normal developmental stages that we must do our best to accept, but my sanity is so totally worth the try.

I may be completely wrong here, but I feel like constant tattling (and I am talking serial tattling here, like the kid at our swim class who complains when everyone isn't swimming in the right direction.) is sometimes a sign that kids are struggling to understand concepts and develop skills (i.e. Boundaries and problem solving), while the common adult reactions to it (in my case the exasperated brush-off) are often unhelpful in meeting those needs to learn and understand.

I've also noticed that tattle telling has two phases. First as children start to learn about and try to understand the rules and boundaries in place for them, and second as children are learning to navigate social interactions with peers on their own.

In the first phase, the worst tattling offenders always seem to be the children receiving the most verbal correction and direction from the adults around them. Usually because they have the most rules to follow. It's been my experience that these children are often more worried about doing things 'right' then just doing things and having fun. It has also been my experience that this worry extends to everyone around them & they end up mirroring the constant verbal correction they get from adults in the form of tattling.

Am I suggesting that children don't need clear and consistent rules and boundaries? Of coarse not. But maybe they do need less of them, and maybe we as parents could find more creative ways to teach these rules then simply spouting them out every time our children come close to our boundaries. Because if *I* find it ridiculously annoying when children spout rules at each other at every infraction, imagine how annoying it is for Oliver to hear it from me.

In developmental phase two of tattling this constant correction and rule spouting leaves children with few examples or tools to use in social situations with peers. In a difficult situation the only thing a child may know to do is recite an enforceable rule, yet many children have never been granted any authority with which to enforce the rules, nor any leadership or problem solving skills to find solutions and are left with only the option to run straight to the nearest adult.

So basically I have developed a 'nip tattling in the bud before it even starts' plan that involves not only giving my son more freedom from unnecessary rules, but also changing the way I teach him our family rules to promote confidence, decision making and problem solving, and do my best not model rule spouting and telling to him.

 

Like I said earlier, I am not in any way suggesting that this might actually work. For me it is simply worth the extra effort to ensure I am giving my son the tools and confidence to solve problems in his own way.

1: set up reliable routines 

 

In eliminating the need to spout out rules and repeat myself over and over again, I have found that most all 'rules' can be replaced painlessly with routines. 'Don't leave your toys out' and 'Wash your hands before you eat' don't really have to be rules if you lead by example and just do them as part of a reliable routine. I have talked about using routine to set boundaries with young children before, and as Oliver grows I find myself relying on them more and more.

Not only do reliable routines allow us to teach good habits and work with our children to learn important skills without conflict or power struggles, they also have the added benefit of giving kids control and confidence. Oliver can and often does initiate several of our routines by himself and has recently started asking us not to help him as he starts to take pride in what he can do for himself.

Does every routine get executed exactly how I would want it to? No. Is Oliver always an enthusiastic participant? No. Does that really matter? Not one bit, It is worth it that he is learning self motivation and ownership/pride of a job well done.

 

I hope this will help him tackle tough situations on his own in the future, but at the very least I will have avoided modelling to him the kind of 'rule spouting' that tattling seems to mirror. 

2: focus on the feelings

 

There are some rules that are more serious then a fun routine. In our house they all fall under one of three main rules; respect yourself, respect others, respect your environment. but while things like 'no hitting' are most definitely rules in our house I try my best to avoid simply telling my son not to hit. I much prefer to focus on developing empathy and emotional maturity then having Oliver follow hard and fast rules. In stead of 'No hitting' I am more likely to say 'ouch, Oliver that hurt when you hit me and made me very sad'. I firmly believe that this will help Oliver when he is negotiating difficult situations with peers by giving him the words to stand up for himself and make his feelings known, as well as the empathy and compassion for others.

This can work in a variety of situations positive or negative and is something I try to focus on daily. 'Oliver, it scares me when you jump on the furniture, I don't want you to get hurt' or 'it makes me so proud when you treat your books so nicely'

3: give options and alternatives: 

 

Instead of constantly correcting a child's behavior with negative words or simply reciting rules, I try to add positive language to the conversation and create an environment where I can say 'yes' more then 'no' to build upon confidence, pride in accomplishment, and model problem solving skills that they can then take with them when they start striking out on their own and interacting with peers.

Instead of 'hang up your coat and put your shoes away' I try 'where would you like to hang your coat? On the hook or in your room?' and then let them do it themselves. Or combine this method with the focus on feelings with 'it scares me when you do that, it's dangerous, would you like to jump on a cushion on the floor instead?'

More open ended options and alternatives can be overwhelming for some children, but they are also a great way to promote creativity and problem solving. 'you and your friend are having trouble sharing that toy. Can you think of something else you can do together?'

Sometimes I hear myself saying these things and I feel silly, especially when the results aren't immediate. But then I think about how amazing it would be to hear Oliver model this type of language instead of tattling and it feels totally worth it.

4: relax and let things go 

 

Is it really so important to me that Oliver always uses an 'inside voice' when we are inside or always says 'please' and 'thank you'? These are both traits that I would like to teach him of coarse, but is it really worth it to me to interrupt otherwise positive moments to correct his behavior when he doesn't?

Sometimes the 'please' and 'thank-you's are implied by the sweetness of his tone.  Other times they are omitted because he just isn't in a very good mood. Sometimes inside games get really too exciting for an inside voice and sometimes it is necessary to be loud to fully express big emotions.

Either way, it's ok to let the rules go sometimes and just be in that moment as it is. Whether the child notices these letting go moments or not, I still think it is a good skill to model for them. Not everyone is going to have the same rules, not everyone is going to follow them all the time, and in the midst of a happy moment, so long as no one is  getting hurt, there's no need to worry about it.

In the end will these steps help to minimize the tattling in my future? I would like to think so. I would certainly never turn my child away if he came to me for help but giving him the tools to solve his own problems is also very important to me so at the very least I won't need to intervene in every single tiny injustice he perceives and hopefully I can find within myself the patience to approach each tattling as a teaching moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you think? Have I missed any key elements to tattle telling? Do you have any tips for promoting confidence and problem solving in your children? How do you react when your children tattle on other kids?