My Preschool Dilemma

My son, Lou, is three and a half years old and has entered the age where most kids start preschool. Since I try not to focus on what "most" kids do, it took me a while to determine if I should even bother enrolling him in a preschool. It was a much more difficult decision than I had anticipated. Like any mother, I want my child to have a good education, but deciding what type of schooling is right for my child proved to be quite challenging.

I didn't attend a traditional preschool. My mother and a few other mothers in the neighborhood took turns teaching a group of preschool aged children. I've heard that it was similar to Joy School. I was at home for a good portion of my "schooling" at that age. I have many fond memories of it. I remember several activities that encouraged creativity, sharing and confidence, but I don't remember it feeling anything like traditional schooling. It was more like a slightly structured playgroup. I like this choice for preschool since it's not a traditional curriculum, the children are learning at home, and it still provides social opportunities. To me, it combined what I love about homeschooling with what I like about traditional schooling. Unfortunately, we don't live near many preschool aged children. My poor kid doesn't even have a single preschool aged friend that lives near enough to do something like this.


Honestly I don't feel that my son needs a preschool at all. This blog post conveys my attitude about what preschool aged children (and their parents) should know. One of the best things I can do to help my son learn is to read to him. I love reading and have thoroughly enjoyed reading to my son. (It's the only time he sits still!) So, I figure why pay for a preschool when a library card is free? It doesn't have to cost anything to provide learning experiences to your child. I think reading to your child is one of the most important things you can do for them. The following are some lines from one of my favorite poems: The Reading Mother by Strickland Gillilan.

"You may have tangible wealth untold;

Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.

Richer than I you can never be-

I had a mother who read to me."

My husband and I are fortunate to have work schedules that enable us to each work outside the home without needing daycare. Lou is always home with at least one parent. The downside is that he is an only child and has limited social opportunities. There just aren't many preschool aged children nearby. My main reason for researching preschools is to help fulfill my son's social needs. I am not concerned with finding a school with challenging curriculum or schools that claim high test scores or better "kindergarten readiness." I just want my little guy to get to meet and play with other kids his age. I know this need can be fulfilled in many ways like playgroups and other activities. Due to our work schedules and location, preschool is the easiest and most consistent place to facilitate social opportunities.


Although the social aspect is appealing, I still wasn't convinced that enrolling my son in preschool was the right decision for him. There are so many things to consider. Am I ready to expose him to a classroom environment for learning? Am I comfortable with the things preschools will be teaching? Do I agree with their forms of discipline? Can I afford it? Would my money be better spent buying materials to enhance learning at home? Does my son even want to go to school? I could go on and on. Decisions like this are tough.

Long story short: I wasn't able to find a preschool that was the right fit for us. The right school, found us. Not long after I had made up my mind about keeping Lou out of preschool, a close family friend opened a preschool in her home. Since I know her personally I was better able to ask a multitude of questions without her getting defensive or trying to "sell" the school. She shares my same views on discipline and age appropriate curriculum. She keeps her class size small and the "classroom" still feels like a home. (And when you have connections like this, you just can't beat the price.) Call it fate, karma, answered prayers or whatever you choose, but I am so glad I was finally able to find something that combined a non-traditional school in a home with the social opportunities my son needs.

Is preschool important to you? Why or why not? What factors helped you decide whether to go with a traditional school or a non-traditional alternative? I'd love to hear your feedback!

My Experience with Cosleeping and Occasional Bedsharing

When my son was born I didn't know much about cosleeping or bedsharing. In fact they were terms that I was unfamiliar with. I knew people who slept in the same room with their babies as well as others who slept in the same bed with their babies. I just never associated a term with either practice and, I never thought much of it. It was one of those things that some parents do and others don't. It didn't seem like a major decision to me. My mom tried cosleeping with some of her children and found that she and the baby slept more soundly when sleeping in separate rooms and relying on a baby monitor. After hearing her experience, I decided to skip the bassinet in my bedroom and just put my son in a crib in his own room. I know. I can't believe I ever felt that way either.

(Just so we're on the same page: Cosleeping and Bedsharing are two separate terms. Cosleeping is sleeping in the same room as your child. Bedsharing is sleeping in the same bed as your child. Bedsharing is always considered cosleeping since you are obviously in the same room if you are in the same bed. Cosleeping is the broader term that includes bedsharing, but also sleeping on separate beds in the same room.)

When my son was born we didn't have completely ideal living arrangements. We lived with my parents. It's wasn't the best arrangement but we were grateful to have it. My parents cleared out the bedroom right next to the one we were staying in and converted it into a nursery for our son. We had a crib in there but also a twin sized bed that my parents had no room for anywhere else. That twin bed ended up being the place I slept the most often as well as being the place I breastfed my son the most often. I ended up cosleeping most nights for the first year or so of my son's life. I had a baby monitor, but it was easier to sleep in my son's room with him and not wake up my husband who worked very early in the mornings.

My sister-in-law has a daughter 6 months older than my son and has had wonderful success with bedsharing. After hearing how much easier nighttime feedings were and how much she enjoyed snuggling with her daughter all night long, I decided to try it. I didn't sleep at all. I was so worried I would smother my son with blankets or roll over on top of him. I was mostly worried that my husband who is a violent sleeper would elbow his precious face or something of the sort. I tried it on several occasions with a similar result. I was so stressed about protecting my son that I didn't get any sleep. When my son had a mild case of RSV as an infant, I had to hold him in an upright position all night long. (He slept on my chest while I was propped up with pillows in a reclining type position) This was definitely an opportunity to keep trying the whole bedsharing thing, but despite bedsharing for 2 weeks straight, I never seemed to manage getting any sleep. I gave up on bedsharing and decided it just wasn't for me.

So despite thinking I wouldn't sleep well if I coslept, I still ended up cosleeping (sleeping on the twin bed in my son's room) the majority of the time during the first year of my son's life. When we moved out of my parents house and into our own place, our son was about 18 months old and started climbing out of his crib. We made the switch to a toddler bed and he LOVED sleeping in his big boy bed and also loved his own room. He never asked us to stay in his room with him and he also never asked or tried to come into our room. He slept in his own room by himself and enjoyed it. We didn't shut him in. We slept with the doors open and he had every opportunity to join us in our room, but never chose to do so.

Fast forward 2 years and now that I have a 3 and 1/2 year old, he only wants to sleep in our room. This all started when my husband got a new job and started working nights a few times a week. I initiated the bedsharing and told him that since Dad was gone, he could sleep in my bed with me. My son told me no! I couldn't believe it. My first night in years having my husband gone all night and I was going to have to sleep alone. I was finally able to talk my son into just laying in my bed to read bedtime stories and he decided bedsharing might be fun and that he would stay. We both discovered that we quite like bedsharing! Now that he is older, I don't have the same worries I had when he was a newborn. I especially love snuggling in the mornings before getting out of bed. It's the best way to start your day.

Since that time, my son has decided he likes sleeping in my bed. We bedshare quite often. He also discovered that he doesn't like sharing the bed when it's too crowded (when Dad is home) and prefers sleeping on a crib mattress placed on the floor in our room on those nights. I am constantly surprised with the changes that take place in my life as my child grows. I never thought I would start bedsharing at 3 years old. I also never realized how much I could love it! Now most nights, my son sleeps in our room with us. He either sleeps in our bed with me when Dad's not home, or sleeps on his own little bed in our room. He has started to prefer that and honestly, so have we. The only downside is that my husband doesn't get to experience the bedsharing part. He has a few times, but when my husband is home, my son prefers to have a bit more space and wants to sleep in his own bed (next to ours).

I know there will be a time when he decides that he prefers his own bed and his own room, but in the grand scheme of things, that day will come all too soon. I'm going to cherish my bedsharing days while I still can. When he decides he wants to sleep in his own room, it will be his decision. Until then, he is always welcome in our room, and in our bed.

Finding Joy in the Journey

It's hard not to constantly anticipate the happiness you expect to experience when you finally get that positive pregnancy test. As a couple trying to conceive (or TTC) it can be in the forefront of your mind. "If I could only get pregnant, then I'd be really happy." Of coarse it's something to look forward to and anticipating a pregnancy is part of the fun (and part of the heartache) of TTC. Now, I know I will be excited when I am able to have another baby but I soon found my self consumed with wanting a baby and focusing on how happy my life could be instead of how happy it is. I decided to focus the past couple of weeks on finding joy in the journey and finding happiness in my life right where it is.

It all started with conversations at work. I have a co-worker who is an early twenties bachelor living at home with his mom. He has minimal living expenses so he loves to spend his money on designer clothing and he drives an expensive car. (Seriously just thinking about his car payment makes me sick.) On a Monday morning we have our usual "What did you do over the weekend?" conversation where he tells me all about the latest parties he attended or girls he is interested in, etc. This particular Monday he comes in talking about how he went to a friend's lake house and went boating. Then he goes on to talk about how happy he would be if he finally had a boat or an ATV or motorcycle. I literally started laughing. I told him how lucky he is to be able to have all the nice things that he does! He just can't seem to be satisfied unless he has all the trivial, material possessions he could ever want. I just don't get it.

After work I was relaying the conversation to my husband, still shocked that he could really feel like his happiness depended on acquiring toys, and it hit me. I am guilty of that same mindset. It occurred to me in that moment that I've been too focused on wanting another baby, I haven't stopped to smell the roses myself. Sure it's one thing to look at the life of my co-worker and see how easy he has it and wonder why he could ever want more, but to look at my own life that way? I don't have all the material possessions that he does, nor do I want them. But I do find myself from time to time waiting to be happy. I'm waiting for a baby to be happy.

I can't keep looking at what I don't have in my life and expect to be happy once I have it. Of coarse material possessions and longing for another child are two very different things, but the idea that I won't be happy until I have what I want is the same. I don't want to wait to be happy. I'm ready to be happy. This is a lot easier said than done. Especially since I have struggled with depression throughout my life. On more than one occasion I have reached a point where I have actually sought medical help from a doctor for my depression but then I always end up chickening out and never even start the prescribed anti-depressant. (Note: Everyone is different. There is nothing wrong with needing or taking a medication for depression. It's just not something that ever felt right for me.)

While I am certainly no expert, I was able to make a few changes in my life that certainly helped elevate my mood and helped me to be happy. The first was finding a support system. When hard times hit, I need someone to lean on. I need someone that can empathize and at least be a shoulder for me to cry on, but at the same time not enable me to just wallow in self pity. The most significant support system I have is my friend going through a similar situation. I can text her anytime and vent about another negative pregnancy test or that sometimes I just don't want to try anymore and she gets it. It's really nice having someone who can understand my situation and who shares some of the same feelings I have regarding TTC. A friend or friends who "get it" can be found just about anywhere. This blog, twitter, facebook and other social media sites are great for connecting people. I know a lot of people who would feel lost without their "tweeps" or twitter friends. I have felt that way a time or two myself.

The next thing I did find happiness in my life was to schedule a weekly family night. This was the easiest and most beneficial thing I could have done. On a random weeknight, I said to my husband and son "It's family game night. What should we play?" This turned into a weekly event and something we all really look forward to. My son especially loves getting to have a special night just for playing games. He is only 3 years old but has already started planning for future family game nights. He planned a treasure hunt and we were all a band of pirates trying to find it. Creating memories like this has been priceless. It's been so fun to put more focus on family fun time. We spend a decent amount of time together as a family, but having a special, scheduled game night has been something that has drawn my family even closer together. It's the best night of our week.

The next thing I did to find joy is look for more opportunities to serve others. I just started with my own family and slowly expanded from there. Everyday I wake up and the first thing I think of is TTC as I take my basal body temperature. It's hard not to be consumed with wanting another baby when the first thought every single morning revolves around trying for another baby. So now when I wake up and take my temperature I think about what I'm going to do to serve others. While I wait for that thermometer to beep, I plan something to help someone. Whether it's making plans with my handicapped Uncle, taking my SAHM friend's kids to the park so she can have a break, or making a special breakfast for my husband, I try to think of new ways to help people.

Another thing that helps me to be happy is setting personal goals. I especially love this one. I am big on goal setting. It helps me evaluate my life as it is and look for things I can do to improve myself. The goals I set are a wide variety of goals from saying something positive about myself each day, to making healthy eating decisions. Then I use a dry erase marker and write the goals on my mirror. I usually have between 3-5 goals for the week and I see them everyday. Sometimes it's a goal to try out a new recipe, make a new friend, or speak kindly to my husband. It can be about anything. It has helped give me something worthwhile to focus on instead of only thinking about another baby. And if I improve myself along the way, it's even better.

While my life is far from perfect, and I am no expert on happiness, I have enjoyed the small changes I have made to find more joy in life. It's a never ending struggle to stay positive. I know, for me it's something I will always have to work at, but it's worth the effort.

Enduring challenges of any kind can take the focus off just how happy and fulfilling our lives already are. What are things you do to help you remember to stop and smell the roses? During challenges in your life, how do you remain positive? What do you do to ensure your own happiness?

Pulling Down the Moon Review

Just after hitting my one year mark trying to conceive, I started toying with the idea of talking to a doctor. In moments of weakness, I was willing to do whatever it took to achieve a pregnancy. "Put me on Clomid! I'll do the tests, the treatments, whatever it takes!" When I hit these low points emotionally I would occasionally have these thoughts. My rational mind would eventually take over, calm me down, and help me realize that while there can be medical benefits to these procedures, it's not an option I am ready to explore. I then came across Pulling Down the Moon which is is a holistic approach to improving fertility. This is exactly what I needed. I wasn't emotionally ready to approach a doctor/midwife about trying to conceive. I'm still not ready for testing, diagnosis, or treatment. I'm not trying to be in denial about possible issues that could be preventing me from achieving a pregnancy. I just don't feel like there is a problem. I may feel differently after a while and choose to seek help from medical professionals. Until that time, and even if I make that choice, during that time, I will utilize the amazing resources and products from Pulling Down the Moon.

Pulling Down the Moon was kind enough to send me their Fully Fertile gift package for for review.  In the basket I received: the book Fully Fertile, by Tami Quinn, Beth Heller, and Jeanie Lee Bussell; their DVD Yoga Practices for Fertility: Techniques To Calm Body, Mind and Spirit; as well as Full Fertile ARTeas in Nourish; and tea filters. For more details on this incredible package check out their online store!  Upon receiving the gift basket I went for the tea first.  It smelled wonderful and I new I wanted a cup right away.  White it tastes great on its own my favorite way to drink it was when I added a drop of honey (I have such a sweet tooth). The particular tea I was sent is meant to "..nourish and prepare the body prior to beginning a fertility cycle." This is not a tea you want to drink during a fertility cycle, especially if you are receiving medical treatment for fertility. (I chose to drink this tea at the beginning of my cycle up until I was close to ovulation.) I really loved the tea and the idea that it is nourishing my body to prepare for achieving a pregnancy.

I sat down with my cup of tea and began to look through the Fully Fertile Book.  Reading the personal stores of all three authors made me feel an instant connection to all three inspiring women. The book lays out a Holistic 12 week plan for optimal fertility. This includes yoga, meditation, acupuncture, nutrition, relaxation and spirituality. Trying to conceive is stressful and I was so excited to find a calm and natural approach to encouraging fertility.

The book is broken up into 3 sections: The Physical Practices, A Fertile Mind, and The Esoteric Tools (Spirit). In the Physical Practices section it starts out by introducing a Yoga program for fertility. While I enjoy yoga, I am not very flexible and just not very good at it. My concerns were immediately laid to rest when I read:

"Keep in mind the goal of your hatha yoga practice is not to be the most flexible, strongest or physically adept. Your goal is to learn to calm the body enough to be able to sit quietly for 30 uninterrupted minutes, thinking of nothing. When this becomes enjoyable, your yoga is starting to work. .... We just wanted to point out that the overall goal of true yoga is not physical fitness, it is mental peace and clarity."

OK that sounds like something I can do. I don't think my flexibility is going to change drastically no matter how much yoga I do. It will improve, sure. But when you've never even been able to touch your toes (even when I was a kid) it's just not looking promising. But the mental peace and clarity is exactly what I'm looking for, so I will give it a try. I really love how the book explains each yoga pose and has a picture beside it. When I used the DVD, I referred back to the book often to make sure I was executing each pose correctly. I'll get more into that later.

The book goes on to explain the benefits of acupuncture, which I had been interested in before, but have never tried. I am definitely going to look more into finding an acupuncturist and the costs associated. The benefits of acupuncture regarding fertility are: regulating your period, regulating hormones, increasing uterine lining, improving sperm count and motility, and more.

I am not going to go into detail about each section of this book because I could go on and on! There is just so much great information. From alleviating stress to adequate sleep and how to achieve it, this book really gives a plethora of great information to help optimize fertility naturally. I especially enjoyed the section on identifying and alleviating stress. Stress is something that I didn't think I had trouble with until reading this book. I learned how to identify stress in my life and the best part: get rid of it! I really have come to love meditation and positive affirmations in part because of the things I learned from this book. There are some great ideas and tips to reducing the stress involved in trying to conceive. I am especially excited about the tips I learned to better handle negative comments regarding my fertility.

On to the DVD. Again, I was sent Pulling Down the Moon's own DVD: Yoga Practices for Fertility: Techniques to Calm Body, Mind and Spirit.This was such a god-send! As instructed, the first time I viewed the DVD, I just watched it start to finish. I was immediately hooked. Just the breathing techniques made me feel so peaceful and relaxed. It was as though my entire world was quiet for once! Once I actually tried the yoga poses, I was surprised to find them to be doable for an inflexible girl like me! I certainly didn't look as relaxed or poised as the people featured in the yoga class, but I was able to keep up and with practice, I began to see the positive results yoga had in my life. I experienced reduced neck pain (recurring from a car accident), more energy, a calm, yet positive outlook on life and of coarse, I did improve flexibility (slightly). I loved the yoga poses as well as the quiet meditative visualization exercises. I think the visualization part was my favorite. I loved the Lake of the Mind visualization exercise. It really helped me feel connected to nature, and more importantly, my own mind.

I can't thank Pulling Down the Moon enough for sending me their product to try. I was at an emotional low and this came just when I needed it most. I am happy to say that I have reduced stress in my life and have a renewed interest and energy in trying to conceive. I definitely recommend this product to anyone trying to conceive or even as a gift.

NOTE: I received no compensation for this review and all opinions expressed are my own. Thanks again to Pulling Down the Moon for donating this great fertility package.

Pre-seed Review & Giveaway!

When my husband and I started trying to conceive (TTC) I was a bit surprised to learn that most lubricants are actually harmful to sperm and shouldn't be used. Pardon me for over sharing here, but when you are TTC you have do the deed quite often and let's face it, sometimes you just need a lubricant. So what's a couple to do? Risk using a lubricant and killing some sperm? Or skip intercourse on a potentially critical day because you don't want it to be uncomfortable? Well, this dilemma is exactly why I was so happy to find out about Pre-Seed. Pre-Seed is a "fertility-friendly" personal lubricant. It's doesn't harm sperm. It's exactly what couples trying to conceive need, so I jumped at the chance to review this product.

Pre-Seed's website identifies reasons that makes their product so unique. Some of those reasons are:

• Balanced to match fertile cervical mucus
• Applied inside vagina to mimic natural moisture
• Patented antioxidant for sperm cell support
• Published studies show no harm to sperm or embryos
• Clinically shown less irritating than other lubricants

The first thing I did when I opened the Pre-Seed was smell it. I know that may seem weird, but I hate scented products and was happy to find Pre-Seed to be scent free. It didn't smell like anything. I loved that. I have very sensitive skin and I have had bad experiences with other personal lubricants causing irritation. Pre-Seed was so different than any other product I have used. It is light, silky and not sticky or oily like other lubricants. I rubbed some on the back of my hand and when it dried it didn't feel like I had put any product on my skin at all. There was no scent or residue. I really liked that.

The directions recommend using the product vaginally using the provided applicators. This product mimics your body's fertile cervical mucus and when using the applicator it applies the lubricant right in the area your own cervical mucus would be. The applicators screw right onto the tube and you draw out the desired amount and insert it vaginally. It was really easy to use and it wasn't messy AT ALL. It provided the desired lubrication and wasn't irritating. In fact, besides providing the lubrication needed, we didn't even notice it was there. That was a first for me. Usually when we use any type of lubricant I am always at least partially aware that it's there. To my sensitive skin, most lubricants would be at least slightly irritating. Pre-Seed didn't feel any different than my body's natural moisture. I loved that.

Pre-Seed can also be applied externally just like any other lubricant. As mentioned previously, I loved that it doesn't feel sticky or oily as many lubricants do. When using other lubricants after applying, I always feel like I immediately want it off my hands and hope that a towel is near. What a mood killer. With Pre-Seed it feels so natural and doesn't leave sticky residue so I didn't even worry about it. It's water based and goes on smooth without being messy. It feels very natural. I would definitely recommend this product to any and all couples trying to conceive. Their slogan is "seriously fun baby-making" and I can attest to the truthfulness of that statement.

Now for the fun part: Pre-Seed is giving away a tube of their amazing product for you to try!


Basic Rules:

• This giveaway is open only to US and Canada (sorry to our readers in other parts of the world)
• You *must* complete the mandatory entry or the other entries won't count
• Each entry must be its own comment
• As always, please make sure to leave your email address in at least one of your comments so we have a way to contact you if you win

Entries (each number is ONE entry):

1. (Mandatory entry) Go to Pre-Seed's site and tell me something you learned or something that you liked about their website.
2. Follow @theconnectedmom and @PreSeedBaby on Twitter and tweet about the giveaway. (Limit 2 entries per day. Make sure to put our twitter handles in the tweet so it counts)
3. "Like" The Connected Mom on Facebook (If you already like us, it still counts)
4. "Like" Pre-Seed on Facebook (If you already like Pre-seed, it still counts)
5. Subscribe to The Connected Mom's monthly email newsletter (You can find the subscription box on the right sidebar)
6. Follow us publically through Google Friend Connect

Good luck! Giveaway will be open from Today (6/8) to Wednesday 6/15 at 11:59 EST. Entries are numbered and chosen at random. The winner will be announced Thursday, June 16th. The winner will be contacted and has 48 hours to get back to me before I choose another winner.

Pre-Seed donated this product for review and no other compensation was received. The views expressed are purely my own.

Pregnancy is just so Inconvenient

During my TTC journey, I occasionally come across some negativity. Lately it's been about timing. Someone will ask when we plan to have another baby, and we tell them that we are TTC. This is sometimes followed by "Now?! You don't want to be pregnant during the summer do you? You'd waste your whole summer with morning sickness and fatigue. How miserable. You gotta at least wait til fall." What do people think they are going to accomplish by saying things like this?!

This got me thinking. When is a good time to be pregnant. I've decided that there isn't a convenient time to be pregnant. Major life changes always do just that, they change things. So if a pregnancy changes some summer activities, so be it. No matter when you become pregnant, it is going to affect your daily life. Last time I was pregnant (with my 3 year old) I was due in late January. January happens to be prime time for snowboarding which is one of my favorite past times. Was I sad to miss out that season? Nope. Not a bit. I gladly sent my husband off to the slopes without me. I happily stayed home preparing for my baby's arrival.

While there isn't a completely convenient time to be pregnant, I also believe there isn't a wrong time to be pregnant. Most TTC moms would agree that they would be happy to be pregnant no matter when it happens, or when their baby is due. I often hear women talking about how they wouldn't want to be due during the hot summer months because of swelling and being uncomfortable. I've heard women say they wouldn't want a baby born within a month of Christmas because that month is expensive enough. I've especially heard people say they wouldn't want a baby born during flu and RSV season. There is going to be something that isn't ideal in some people's minds no matter when you are pregnant or when you are due.

When a mother brings a baby into the world isn't important. The fact that mother's have the ability to bring a child into this world is important. No matter the conception month, no matter the due date, I will be so excited to be pregnant. This excitement is the only thing that has kept us TTC for as long as we have. It's a difficult and emotional journey but anticipating the complete joy that only a new baby brings is what keeps us going. Let me birth in the quiet winter months and I'll be quite happy. I would endure the heat and swollen ankles to have a summer baby. I would be thrilled to have a baby anytime a baby decides to come. Children are truly a gift and when that gift arrives, I will be nothing but grateful.

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

I grew up in a family that used positive reinforcement, patience and love when disciplining. I did, however receive spankings as a child. They were few and far between and reserved for especially bad behavior. I remember them never hurting and I also remember my parents were always calm and deliberate when dolling out a punishment. My parents quickly learned that spanking was quite ineffective and they quit doing it all together. They never spanked us hard enough to hurt, and we began not caring whether or not we received a spanking as a punishment. I was certainly never abused and much of the way I parent my child is based on the positive experiences I shared with my parents when they raised me.

My son has reached a bit of a violent stage. He is three years old and lately when I discipline him or give him an answer he doesn't like, he hits me. I know he is acting out like many children do, but it is still incredibly frustrating. My husband and I were discussing how to discipline this behavior since we'd like to be consistent. Time-outs don't seem to make a difference to him when he is frustrated enough to start hitting. He just doesn't care whether or not he has to sit in time out. It's completely ineffective.

During the discussion on how to discipline our toddler, my husband stated that he wants to discipline our son without spanking whenever possible, but that he also believes in the phrase "spare the rod, spoil the child." I admit that I had never even heard of that phrase before. It took me a little off guard. My husband also stated that it was a quote from the bible. (I researched it. It's not in the bible. It originated in a poem by Samuel Butler back in the 1600's) I was completely taken back by this. I couldn't imagine a worse way to describe disciplining a child. Spare the rod, spoil the child sounds so harsh and uncaring. It completely lacks any love or affection. It certainly doesn't describe the parenting style I would like to adopt.

My husband is an all-around great guy. He is considerably more affectionate and kind than most people I know. I was surprised we would even be having the "should we spank our kid or not" talk. Admittedly, I used spanking as a form of discipline on a few occasions (that's how I was raised) and felt horrible about it and made it a personal decision to never do it again. It wasn't something I discussed with my husband though. I suppose with our schedules being opposite to minimize child care needs, there are many important conversations that we haven't had yet. We also don't need to punish our child very often. He is usually very well behaved and responds well when we just talk to him about appropriate behavior. Well, as we started talking about our views on spanking we realized that we both had very different ideas as to what was appropriate punishment and what wasn't.

We decided to ask the opinion of a friend who also happens to be a professional family councilor. He stated that, in his experience, most parents don't discuss beforehand how to discipline their children. Many parents just "wing it." In a world with limitless information right at our fingertips, many parents don't seek out parenting advice and instead adopt the parenting strategies their parents used. Why not? My parents are awesome. I don't see anything wrong with parenting my son the way my parent's raised me. Well, it creates a perfect setup for a marital dispute. For example, if I don't like the way my husband decides to discipline our son and I say so, not only am I insulting him, but I'm insulting the way he was raised. All of the sudden it becomes intensely personal. So, our friend suggested we research many different parenting styles (we are going to be doing a LOT of reading in the next little while) and choose what fits the needs of our family best. By drawing from the same source, we will have much better success in maintaining consistent and loving discipline.

As my husband and I continued to discuss discipline over the coarse of several days it became evident that we both wanted the same thing. While it took my husband a little longer to realize it, we both feel strongly about not using any type of corporal punishment on our son. We also discovered that we both feel strongly about natural consequences, positive reinforcement, and most importantly teaching by example.

Loving, effective, and consistent discipline can be difficult. No parent is perfect. There is no one-size-fits-all solution either. For our family we have decided to make a better effort to utilize all the resources we have available to us and really research this parenting business more. There are experts out there. While we may disagree with some, if not many, I'm sure we will find a solution that fits our family without resorting to spanking.

"I was out in the front yard with my boy the other day and he was playing with his little friend and he hit his friend, and I went up to him and I said "Hey, (smacks his boy) we don't hit." He looked up at me like "Here's your sign, dad.""
-Bill Engvall

What parenting books have helped you the most? Did you talk about discipline with your partner before having children? Do you talk about parenting styles and goals with your partner regularly? I'd love some feedback as we are putting a lot more effort into a united purpose and goal for discipline in our home.

Why I Hated Breastfeeding

Successful breastfeeding can be attributed to many different factors. Some include a mother's willingness, and the support she receives from family, medical professionals, and of course lactation education. There are many more reasons women are successful at breastfeeding and I admire ANY reason a mother chooses to breastfeed her baby, but today I'm going to talk about my breastfeeding experience.

I gave birth in a hospital and my son was given 1/2 ounce of formula right after he was born because his blood sugar was "low". Despite telling the nurses I wanted to breastfeed, I fell for their scare tactic and even fed him the bottle myself. Thankfully I know better now. I do consider myself lucky that the 1/2 ounce of formula was the only formula he was given. Besides that one instance, the nursing staff at the hospital was incredibly supportive and I visited with a lactation consultant several times a day during my brief hospital stay. I was given breastfeeding information and business cards for independent lactation consultants if I needed any help once I got home. I was NOT sent home with any formula and wasn't even offered any.

My son's pediatrician was very supportive of me breastfeeding and praised my efforts every time I saw him. He also gave me information and referrals to lactation consultants if I needed help. He offered me no formula and advised me not to supplement.

I also had amazing breastfeeding support and encouragement at home. My husband and I lived with my parents when my son was born and my mom was an enormous help. While I was still pregnant, she contacted LLL representatives in our area and found out the meeting schedule. She bought books for me. She asked everyone she knew for suggestions on breast pumps, pads, tips, books, etc. She was wonderful. I had a live in lactation cheerleader! It didn't matter if it was 3 in the morning, if I needed help, she was there for me.

With such tremendous support and encouragement, it would seem impossible to hate breastfeeding, but I did. I hated it! I later learned that I was likely experiencing Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex or D-MER.

D-MER is a medical condition that causes dysphoria during letdown. This can mean varying symptoms for different women. Sadness, anxiety, anger, restlessness, irritability, and depressed mood are all symptoms of D-MER. It is not a dislike of breastfeeding. It is not postpartum depression and it is not a psychological response to breastfeeding. For more information on this very real but little known disorder check out http://d-mer.org/

I am certainly no expert on D-MER and won't try to be, but I would like to share my personal experience breastfeeding and the feelings I struggled with. I hope by doing so, other mother's experiencing something similar can understand that they are not alone.

As mentioned before, I had wonderful support and help breastfeeding, but when I would breastfeed my son I felt trapped. I felt depressed, and frustrated. During breastfeeding I didn't feel any bond with my child at all. I felt like I was nothing more than a food source to my son. When I was breastfeeding, I couldn't wait for it to be over. It wasn't physically painful, but I still hated it. My husband sensed my dislike for breastfeeding and would often try to keep me company while I was feeding my son even during nighttime feedings. As much as I loved having him around, even his presence didn't help. I felt so alone and depressed.

During the time between feedings, I felt such an intense bond with my son. My heart was bursting with love and I couldn't be happier. I was so proud of my adorable little family. I never felt like I had postpartum depression. Beyond your typical baby blues, I didn't experience any negative emotions outside of breastfeeding. I didn't understand why I hated breastfeeding so much. A neighbor had a baby around the same time I had my son and she loved breastfeeding her daughter. She would talk about how it helped them bond. I honestly thought she was exaggerating or making it up. Nobody could feel that way about breastfeeding. It seemed so unnatural to enjoy it when to me, it was depressing and lonely.

I started to dread feeding my son. I hated doing it, but I plugged along knowing it was best for him. I made sure to breastfeed him in front of the tv to distract myself from the flood of negative emotions. Those who know me personally know that I don't even get local channels on my tv let alone cable. I'm strictly a movie buff, or I watch seasons of a select few tv shows if they are on netflix. I never watch tv. Camping out in front of the television was very unusual behavior for me. (At the time we lived with my parents who have cable, but now that we have our own place we don't even have our tv hooked up to local channels.)

Pumping was even worse than breastfeeding. A successful pumping session would give me 2 ounces total and took 40 minutes. It was even more depressing than breastfeeding. Due to my work schedule and not having adequate time to pump, I began supplementing with formula. My son began to prefer a bottle especially during the summer months and eventually refused to breastfeed at all. I was sad and relieved at the same time. I didn't have to feel those negative and depressing feelings anymore, but I wanted to give my son the best nutrition possible.

I am so proud I lasted 7 months breastfeeding my son. It was a difficult experience and I wished I had been able to talk about or even acknowledge my feelings. I felt guilty for feeling the way I felt. I felt like no one would understand. I even felt like people wouldn't believe me. I am so glad that I found out more about this very real physiological (NOT psychological) disorder. It validated my feelings and made me finally feel at peace with my breastfeeding experience.

Despite my difficult experience, I truly believe breastfeeding is the best option for babies. I can't wait to breastfeed again! I am empowered with knowledge and experience. I still have a great support system and next time will be even better! I know that mothers experiencing D-MER can be successful breastfeeding mothers. Again, I'm SO proud I made it 7 months and can't wait to beat my record with a future baby!

This mama wrote a great post about her own experience with D-MER. If you experience anything like this as a breastfeeding mother, please know that your feelings are real and okay. There are treatments available and most importantly people out there who understand what you are going through. Breastfeeding isn't always a loving, bonding experience, but it's worth the struggle. Please know that what you are feeling is real. Help spread the word about this disorder so we can empower and support each other. For more info: http://d-mer.org/

The Way Mother's Are

One of my favorite books as a child was The Way Mother's Are by Miriam Schlein. My mother read it to me often and when I became a mother, her gift to me was a copy of that book. It's a story about a kitten trying to understand the depth of his mother's love. The mother cat assures him throughout the book that she loves him unconditionally because that is "the way mother's are" I love the illustrations and as a child I felt I could relate to the kitten in the book. Sometimes I was an angel and sometimes I was a monster and my mother loved me regardless.

The book took on a whole new meaning for me when I read it as a mother instead of a child. I began to understand the moments for the mother who loved her child during the difficult times as well as the easy ones. My heart had been opened to a new kind of love and now I see the world differently. Nothing in the world can prepare a mother for that feeling. You hear about it, read about it and try to understand, but until you feel it, you never truly know the amazing love a mother has for her child.

Once you do understand the depth of a mother's love, you know you'll never be the same. My life before Lou was wonderful, but compared to now, it seems less meaningful and fulfilling. Once you've experienced the love a mother has, nothing quite compares. My son is so precious, so delicate, so beautiful and so much a part of me! He brought to life a part of my soul that I didn't know exsisted. His presence in my life completes a part of me that I didn't know was lacking. He has awakened the most precious depths of my heart. It's amazing how a tiny person can have such an enormous impact.

This indescribable love is what fuels my desire to have more children. Now that I have experienced joy like no other, I want more. Trying to conceive baby #2 has been difficult. It's the hardest challenge we've had to face as a couple. It's been a rough road. I haven't been on birth control since 2009, we used a barrier method until 2010, then we weren't trying but also not preventing for several months. We finally got to the point where we have been actively TTC for the past 6 months. I was just certain we'd have a baby by now. But life never seems to work out the way you plan.

I was upset about not being able to achieve a pregnancy for a while, but then once day I woke up and realized that a lot of other people are in a similar situation. Instead of silently fretting over my own TTC woes, I decided to be open about it. That decision has definitely been a double-edged sword. I have received a lot of "just relax" advice, which can be annoying. (If relaxing worked, I would have been pregnant a year ago.) I have also received a lot of support and encouragement. I am OK with talking about my conception goals. I have found that being open about it has improved my attitude. I originally thought it would be difficult to share something personal like this. I didn't want people to anticipate and expect a pregnancy announcement. That would do nothing but add stress to the situation. I was happy to discover the opposite to be true. I have received lots of support and encouragement. People don't ask me anymore when we are going to have another baby. That part has been especially nice. My family and friends know that when I have an announcement to make, I will make it.

Trying for our second child has been rough at times, but being open about my experiences has helped. I have been able to connect with some amazing women going through similar experiences. I have recieved encouragement from family and friends. I have drawn closer to my husband, and I know that when I am finally blessed with another child, the love I have for my son will expand into something amazing that I can only begin to imagine.