|Photo credit: Fabrizio Salvetti|
Fair warning this post will talk about sex in frank and often humorous ways. It's pretty PG-13, but if you don't like to talk about sex or don't want to think about Josh and I playing hide the sausage, see ya tomorrow!
Ok, now that my mom has been warned, let's get down to business.
I've been given laundry lists of reasons why bedsharing is a bad idea. I've been told it doesn't teach baby how to sleep. I've been told it's dangerous. I've been told I'll never get my kids out of my bed, but more than anything I've been told it will ruin my marriage.
Now other than wondering how having happy, well-rested kids will ever hurt my marriage, I have a feeling this is really about SEX.
But nowadays, what isn't?
My mother warned me that having a baby in bed meant I couldn't keep my husband happy. Ignoring all the anti-feminist sentiments there, let's focus on what she was really saying: you can't have sex if you bedshare.
I have living proof that she's wrong sleeping on my lap.
Sex is the glue of some relationships, the perk of others, and the cherry to some. The first thing we have to accept is there is no average amount or set location for sex for couples. If you think that's a lie, you have bigger things to worry about than bedsharing. I'm as guilty as anyone. After 5 years of marriage and over a 12 year relationship, I sometimes hear someone talking about nightly sex and get jealous. Seriously? Nightly?! Have they discovered the Fountain of Teenage Sex somewhere? Draw me a map. But then someone admits they do it once a month and I feel better.
We have sex about twice a week. I'm averaging that out. Some weeks it's zip, others it's 3 or 4 times. The point is we have sex, and we bedshare full-time.
Well, we aren't very sexually-repressed so that helps and we aren't constrained by the idea of appropriate times and places to have sex. We rarely have sex at night in bed. We might grab a quickie while our kids are playing in the living room. The key to this is to wait until your toddler is thoroughly engrossed in a game or to pop in a favorite movie. The baby goes in the exersaucer. It gives us about ten-fifteen minutes. After 12 years, we can get to the point in ten minutes :) Or we sneak into the bathroom, laundry room - you get the idea. Our toddler goes to bed in his own room and often joins us later in the night, and I can lay the baby down to sleep in the bed or in her swing if we want more than 10 minutes or if the mood strikes.
The point is we have sex. When we have a dry spell, it has nothing to do with bedsharing. It's usually the result of money issues, work schedules, illness, this blog - but not bedsharing. As Rachel of Free Childhood notes good-naturedly, bedsharing didn't kill her sex life: "That would be exhaustion from toddler parenting and pregnancy." Wendy of ABCs and Garden Peas says having a new baby is more likely to have an effect on your sex life, but she thinks bedsharing actually helps it: "I think bedsharing can make for a satisfied, fulfilled mom, and that kind of mom is more likely to have a healthy libido."
|Photo credit: Ed Wolstenholme|
Oh, and when your mom asks you how you will ever have sex with your husband if there are kids in your bed, tell her what I told my mom, "Mom, not everyone has sex....at night...in bed."