Being A Better Mom

It's amazing how many "disagreements" I get in with my parents about how to parent my child.  I understand that that is what parents do, and that's fine, but sometimes it goes a little overboard.  I'm sure they had it done to them when we were kids, but maybe it is time for a new generation to parent.

I parent very differently than my parents or my in-laws.  It isn't a small difference, and they know it.  The problem is that a lot of parents see you doing different things and think it is a smack on them when the truth is, your parenting style and your life in general isn't a way to judge them for how they raised you.

To me, I should always strive to be a better mom.  I can take things that my parents did when I was a child and refine them or scrap them.  That's the point of parenting.  Stagnancy isn't something I ever want to have with my children.

Being better and changing how I do things that will fit my family isn't a terrible thing.

And so, I came up with ways to be a better mom every day of the week.

1.  Truly listen to my daughter.  Talk to her, understand her needs, and for as long as she needs, make sure she has 100% of my attention.  No phone, no computer, no books, just me and her.

2.  More cuddle time!  I do still bedshare part time, so I get to cuddle then, but some days they just want you close and vice versa.  I never noticed how often that was because I was always doing something.  Now, I make time for her when she needs to feel my arms around her.

3.  Tell her I love her whenever I feel like it.  Even if she gets sick of it or doesn't respond, she hears it.  I don't want her to grow up feeling that something was missing or we didn't say it enough.

4.  Celebrate her accomplishments!  I hate saying "Good Job" when people do things because it just sounds like you weren't paying attention.  Instead, I will actually point out what she did, how she did it, let her know I truly understand and applaud her.

5.  Even if it turns into a mess, have her help with cooking or dishes.  I loved doing that with my mom, it made me feel so important!

6.  Don't say no as often.  This one may seem odd, but some days I seem to say no all day long, and it just turns into more arguments.  I am trying to do other things besides "no", and let her decide things on her own.  And the strange thing is that when she is able to decide, she normally goes with what she is "allowed" to do, and doesn't push her limits or mine.

7.  Let her be her own person.  She isn't my clone.  I don't want her to be.  I want her to make mistakes and learn from them.  I want her to know I am here for her, but I do not want to push her into things she doesn't want.

This week, we tried something new.  And amazingly, just doing a few simple things a day changed our relationship in profound ways.

Time Management for Professional Moms (Guest Post)

Photo credit: Alan Cleaver (flickr)

If you’re a stay-at-home mom, you know that it’s not just a way to spend your time every day. It’s a full-time job, and that requires a strategy for managing the small number of hours you have to accomplish a large number of tasks. What’s more, you aren’t just obligated to get your work done satisfactorily – you also nurture your family, taking time out of your busy day to talk and listen. Time management doesn’t mean scheduling every minute of your day in painful detail, although some people are more comfortable with that approach. The majority of moms just want to get through the day with the accomplishments of running all the errands, keeping the house clean and organized, and being there for the family. You can do that and, best of all, squirrel away some time for yourself by following these time management tips for busy moms.

Hi, My Name is Jenn and I'm Overweight.

Like a lot of women, I spend more time than I care to admit worried about my weight, and while I cringe at Victoria's Secret ads, I don't think I'm all that caught up in comparing myself to the images of women we see in the media.  I've had two kids.  Nothing short of a time machine is going to make me look like Katy Perry, and to be honest I don't want to look like Katy Perry.  So while I hate catching the reflection of an undiscovered fat roll in the mirror, I've been unmotivated to lose weight.  My husband thinks I'm hot and I've proudly carried two children, but....there's always a but, isn't there?  I'm increasingly aware of how my weight affects my health.

In 2006, a week before we found out we were expecting our son, my mother suffered a heart attack.  She was 45 years-old and had low blood pressure and low cholesterol.  The morning of her attack she was driving my siblings to school.  She felt so awful that she made my 15 year-old brother turn around and drive back home.  He called to ask me what an anxiety attack felt like.  After getting some more info, it became clear this wasn't anxiety and I told him to take her to the hospital.  Thankfully they called my dad first and he called for an ambulance.  They told us later she would never have made it to the E.R.  She had a heart attack and 12 stents were needed to save her.  12.  My mom, who is a bit overweight, but eats pretty well and walks everyday almost died at 45.

My husband was freaked and brought home garlic pills, red wine, and baby aspirin.  We were going to take care of my heart now.

I got a positive pregnancy test a week later.

So now four years after my mother's heart attack, to the date I think, I'm still overweight and very much at risk.  The facts about women and heart disease are grim:

• Worldwide, 8.6 million women die from heart disease each year, accounting for a third of all deaths in women. Three million women die from stroke each year. Stroke accounts for more deaths among women than men (11% vs 8.4%) with additional risk for CHD unique to women related to oral contraceptive use in combination with smoking.
• 8 million women in the US are currently living with heart disease; 35,000 are under age of 65. Four million suffer from angina.
• 435,000 American women have heart attacks annually; 83,000 are under age 65; 35,000 are under 55. The average: 70.4.
• 42% of women who have heart attacks die within 1 year, compared to 24% of men.
• Under age 50, women’s heart attacks are twice as likely as men’s to be fatal.
• 267,000 women die each year from heart attacks, which kill six times as many women as breast cancer. Another 31, 837 women die each year of congestive heart failure, representing 62.6% of all heart failure deaths.
  
  
  
  
  To learn more visit Women's Heart Foundation
  

I have two beautiful children, and I would like to have more.  I know I can't avoid taking action any longer even though it's scary!  I really don't want to go to my doctor and get bad news, but I know I have to.

So I'm going and I want to start exercising.  About an hour ago I pulled out my old sports bras, they were a bit snug but that might actually help.  I'm also going to scrounge up the money for some new running shoes that fit my post-pregnancy feet.  My idea is to do the Couch to 5k program, but I'd love suggestions if you have them.

Just do it: Bedsharing and Sex

Photo credit: Fabrizio Salvetti

It's pretty obvious I'm a fan of the family bed if you read this site. Now I've talked about safety, breastfeeding, the psychological bonuses, etc, but there's one topic that I get a lot of whispered, flustered questions about: sex.


Fair warning this post will talk about sex in frank and often humorous ways. It's pretty PG-13, but if you don't like to talk about sex or don't want to think about Josh and I playing hide the sausage, see ya tomorrow!


Ok, now that my mom has been warned, let's get down to business.


I've been given laundry lists of reasons why bedsharing is a bad idea. I've been told it doesn't teach baby how to sleep. I've been told it's dangerous. I've been told I'll never get my kids out of my bed, but more than anything I've been told it will ruin my marriage.


Now other than wondering how having happy, well-rested kids will ever hurt my marriage, I have a feeling this is really about SEX.


But nowadays, what isn't?


My mother warned me that having a baby in bed meant I couldn't keep my husband happy. Ignoring all the anti-feminist sentiments there, let's focus on what she was really saying: you can't have sex if you bedshare.


I have living proof that she's wrong sleeping on my lap.


Sex is the glue of some relationships, the perk of others, and the cherry to some. The first thing we have to accept is there is no average amount or set location for sex for couples. If you think that's a lie, you have bigger things to worry about than bedsharing. I'm as guilty as anyone. After 5 years of marriage and over a 12 year relationship, I sometimes hear someone talking about nightly sex and get jealous. Seriously? Nightly?! Have they discovered the Fountain of Teenage Sex somewhere? Draw me a map. But then someone admits they do it once a month and I feel better.


We have sex about twice a week. I'm averaging that out. Some weeks it's zip, others it's 3 or 4 times. The point is we have sex, and we bedshare full-time.


How?


Well, we aren't very sexually-repressed so that helps and we aren't constrained by the idea of appropriate times and places to have sex. We rarely have sex at night in bed. We might grab a quickie while our kids are playing in the living room. The key to this is to wait until your toddler is thoroughly engrossed in a game or to pop in a favorite movie. The baby goes in the exersaucer. It gives us about ten-fifteen minutes. After 12 years, we can get to the point in ten minutes :) Or we sneak into the bathroom, laundry room - you get the idea. Our toddler goes to bed in his own room and often joins us later in the night, and I can lay the baby down to sleep in the bed or in her swing if we want more than 10 minutes or if the mood strikes.


The point is we have sex. When we have a dry spell, it has nothing to do with bedsharing. It's usually the result of money issues, work schedules, illness, this blog - but not bedsharing. As Rachel of Free Childhood notes good-naturedly, bedsharing didn't kill her sex life: "That would be exhaustion from toddler parenting and pregnancy." Wendy of ABCs and Garden Peas says having a new baby is more likely to have an effect on your sex life, but she thinks bedsharing actually helps it: "I think bedsharing can make for a satisfied, fulfilled mom, and that kind of mom is more likely to have a healthy libido."

Photo credit: Ed Wolstenholme

How to have great sex life as your relationship grows, as you add kids and stress and work and life is a whole different issue. My suggestion? Take a look at what's really keeping you from having sex. Don't get so caught up in the "right" time to have sex, and take the time to initiate (even if you don't really feel like it). Let's face it, moms, a lot of us just get too caught up in everyday stresses and responsibilities to find the time or energy to want to have sex. The great thing about sex, though, is that it usually winds up changing your mind about wanting it pretty quickly.


Oh, and when your mom asks you how you will ever have sex with your husband if there are kids in your bed, tell her what I told my mom, "Mom, not everyone has sex....at night...in bed."