A Letter To My Sons

A few months ago, I saw this letter shared on Facebook about what kind of guy the author wanted his daughter to look for and it got me thinking. Much is made of female sexuality and morality and looking for Mr. Right, but not much is ever said seriously to young boys other than the occasional "be strong" or "patient." So I wanted to write this to explore the advice I want to give to my sons one day.

Dear Sons, 

You must know by now that you already hold the key to my heart and that I will always love you, all of you, unconditionally and without pause, but everyday, you grow older and closer to the day when you will want a wife and love of your own. This is what I want you to look for and who I want you to be to make that relationship everything it should be for you:

Choose someone that you are not only attracted to physically, but who also has a beautiful soul and a kind heart. Such a person will only grow more beautiful with age and will support you in becoming more kind and selfless. You will, in turn, become more beautiful yourself long after your physical self starts to age.

Choose someone who respects your needs. This does not mean its somehow possible that someone will give you everything you want when you want it, but a good partner will respect and try to help you get what you need when you need it.   If you are really lucky, you might even find someone who helps you see more clearly what your wants and needs are.

Choose someone who cares for family because once you marry, you will be family.  You can learn a lot by watching those whom your beloved has known and loved a long time. No one's perfect, but ask yourself how faults and mistakes are accepted and how love is expressed.  You don't have to write someone off because of a family dynamic that wasn't a matter of choice because people can make new conscious choices and grow. However, be aware that family history will set the tone for the family you build together.  You will need to remember and be accepting of some differences, but only commit to someone who will love you and respect you as much as our family always has tried to because that is the kind of love you deserve. Make sure to choose someone whom you can  love the same way.

Experiment with dating as much as you want, but don't feel you need to be as sexual as people seem to expect you to be. A man's body and sexuality is every bit as important as a woman's. You have an obligation to protect it from those who do not treasure the emotions and spirit your body houses. There are those who will try to convince you that you are cold or just a dumb guy who isn't vulnerable when it comes to physical intimacy. That is a lie.  Real intimacy is vulnerability and truly physically, emotionally, and spiritually satisfying sex can only happen when you are deeply intimate and committed with someone. That doesn't happen on the third date.  Don't tolerate anyone who tries to convince you otherwise. Let your heart and your soul guide you not what anyone has to say about what it means to be a "man." A man is simply a human the same as a woman and you are not any less attune to what you are and aren't ready for.  Choose someone who loves you for your humanity and who can appreciate that your masculinity is whatever you feel most comfortable defining it as.  You should be the man you want to be and you need to be for the people you love, not "the man" others might tell you to be. Someone who loves you will respect that. Make sure to respect her as well. How she dresses, how she talks, how she dances,  and how much she touches you does not imply anything about who she is or what she wants from you. Always ask the person you love about what she wants and respect her wishes and boundaries as much as she needs to respect yours.

When you do find someone, make sure that someone truly supports the journey you are already on. It's not important that you are loved for everything you do or even who you are in the moment because you will continue to grow and change in unexpected ways for the rest of your life. You need someone who will love your trajectory, not just your current position in life.  Likewise, choose someone whom you can love the same way and whose faults (which will be just as numerous as your own) you will be able to live with.

Make sure you are with someone who listens to you and make sure you listen as well. Real men do cry when they are hurt and sad.  They also accept support given in love when they need it.   Real men wipe tears away and aren't afraid to hear their loved ones cry and offer support and love. Steel is considered the best building material for sky scrapers because it is both strong and flexible.  In fact, its flexibility is probably its greatest strength.  Make sure that you stay flexible, vulnerable, and open with your partner so that your communication lines can stay open and you can be truly intimate.  That is what a real men do. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

Once you are committed, expect to go through hard times. Remember that on the other side of every valley is a peak and even though the climb may be hell, the view will be worth it. If it seems like you are wondering in the valley too long, change direction and tactics with your partner. You may need to turn to find the way to climb. 

Know in your heart that I will always support and love you and am excited to support and love the partner you choose to share your life with as long as I know you are loved, respected, and honored as you deserve to be.  

All my Love,

Mama

Romance and the Attached Mom: It Can and Does Happen!

(A pic from before our last date in April of this year for our fifth anniversary.)

Before we had our son, my husband and I weren't exactly the most romantic couple in the world, but we were pretty comfortable. When we were pregnant, I imagined the romance being about the same, just worked around the baby's schedule. It seemed nearly everyone we met with kids told us about the importance of "date night" and so I imangined that would be what we would do, too. Maybe not every week, but at least once or twice a month, we would get a sitter and go out to movie or dinner or some other kind of "traditional" date activity. Then we had our son and reality hit.

For one reason or another, we've been on like two or three dates in the almost three years it's been since the birth of our son. Some of it has to do with the fact that we spent the first two years of his life living far away from family and most of our friends. Some of it has to do with the colic he had for the first four months. Some of it has to do with his food allergies which can be very scary and hard to deal with for adults who are not used to being around him and dealing with food allergies. But most of it has to do with us and our unwillingness to give up much of what we view as a very important time in our son's life. This is the only time in his life when he will WANT to be with us all of the time, and we, in turn, WANT to be with him. We choose to have "date nights in" more than "date nights out." We have had to learn how to be flirty, romantic, and sweet at the same time as we are being "mom and dad." Don't get me wrong, we don't always get the balance right and have our ups and downs as much as any other couple does (with or without kids), but in a way, I think we are in a more solid, unified place now than we ever were before. Even though we didn't plan on being "attached parents," by doing the things our son needed we became "attached"--both to him and to each other.

It's a fallacy that romance ends when you have children. Instead, it changes its definition on you. Instead of expecting romantic, planned weekends; elaborate, beautiful gifts; and traditional dinner/dancing/movie dates all the time, you learn to find the romance in your husband taking a crying baby or a toddler off your hands when you need time for yourself. Instead of thinking my husband is only being romantic if he gets me flowers or cards, I've come to understand his version of "daddy" romance is often to give me help making dinner or to tell me I look wonderful even when my hair is barely brushed and I have a three year old insisting I hold him while I make his morning breakfast. Instead of the declarations of eternal love that we might have given each other while dating, I find that we tell each other we love each other through our love for our family and our child. It makes my heart flutter every time I hear him tell our son that he thinks it's just wonderful that he's "just like mommy" in the way he does something. (My husband always uses that phrase respectfully and as a compliment). As for weekly romance, every weekend, I let my husband sleep in and have some alone time on Saturday morning and he does the same for me on Sunday. I will take that Sunday morning alone time any day over almost any kind of romantic gift. I even wrote a whole blog about the little romantic things you can do that really work better for parents than a lot of the "traditional" date night romance.

Don't get me wrong, it's important not to eschew traditional, "grown up," couples only romance entirely. Sometimes we do go a little too long without the hearts and flowers, grown up "real conversation," and concentrated alone time that traditional romance is yearned for, but when we realize that we've been remiss, we do try to make it up to each other. And the little "family friendly" romantic moments we try to build into everyday for each other make those traditional, planned romantic moments even more heartfelt and treasured. This Valentine's Day, I finished putting our son to bed and walked out to find a candlelit picnic complete with sparkling cider, wine glasses, and chocolate treats on our living room floor (which had been my exact plan to set up for him and was just coming into the living room to send him out on a random errand so that I could set it up myself.) It may be one of my favorite all time romantic moments ever because we both wanted the same thing at the same time and had found a way to be alone and romantic in our own home. One day, we will be done having small children and we will not be all together all the time and my husband and I will probably have a lot more time for going out alone and being traditionally romantic. In the mean time, we are enjoying the romance that can come only when you are appreciating the everyday, ordinary, spontaneous romance of being dedicated co-parents of a small child.

I love you Matt! Thank you for being who you are not just for me, but for our family and son!

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Girls Rule, Boys Too!

Cute banter or damaging stereotype?

Motherhood is rough, and it can be especially rough when we feel like our partners "don't get it." If we fail to communicate and work through our differences, it can lead to frustration or even resentment in a relationship. To relieve the tension, sometimes we might poke fun at men. I admit it, I have laughed at man-bashing humor before. I may have even passed along a joke or two. But when does it cross the line from being good-natured humor to enforcing a harmful stereotype?

Watching my third little boy sleeping sweetly in my arms, I begin to feel guilty about taking part in this. Little boys will one day grow into men. What will we raise them to believe about themselves? I don't mean to attack anyone who has ever laughed at a man joke. Nor do I feel women are free from sexism. I just want to urge you to pay attention to the messages we are sending our sons (and our daughters) when we degrade men.

Often, I hear women commiserating about their husbands. They will accuse them of being immature, insensitive, lazy, or clueless. These criticisms are commonly dismissed as "typical male behavior." I have done this myself, and (I am ashamed to admit) in the not-so-distant past. I can see two real problems with this type of thinking. First, not all men are like this. Do jerks exist? Sure! But it is unfair to demonize the many loving, attentive partners and fathers because of a few jerks. Second, it can become an excuse for legitimate jerks to behave disrespectfully--and for women to excuse it because "it's a man thing."

Sweet and innocent. Let's keep him that way.

I am especially concerned with using this language around our children. If boys hear enough of these stereotypes, they might start to believe them. They might come to feel that they are no better than that. Or they may give up trying to act with character, since they are going to be perceived negatively anyway. Our boys deserve better.

This doesn't just affect boys, either. Your daughter could grow up and enter a relationship with a man. Do you want to see her in a relationship with someone who believes that he is no better than those stereotypes? Do you want her to excuse someone who disrespects her because she believes all men are that way?

Instead of stereotypes, boys need role models. If you have a great guy in your life--a partner, a dad, a friend--show him you appreciate him. Show him openly so your son can see it. Let your son see you give respect to and receive respect from men. Most of all, respect your son. Let him explore all of his emotions, including the scary or tender ones. Love him unconditionally, hold him close, and give him space when he needs it. This way, he will learn empathy that will turn all of those negative perceptions on their heads!

What a Busy Mom Needs

My youngest child is a little over two months old now. I found the postpartum period incredibly easy this time around--perhaps too easy. Physically, I bounced back almost instantly. I was up and around, preparing the house for guests the morning after. I may have given the

impression that things are completely back to normal, but they are not. Despite my quick recovery, I am still balancing the needs of a newborn and three older children, household duties, and paid freelance work. It can quickly become overwhelming. I have been thinking about what I need, and I decided to share it here. I do not claim to speak for every busy mom, but hopefully some of you can find commiseration here. Maybe friends, family, and partners could also learn a thing or two about the kind of support a mom needs.

I need a friend who will listen and allow me to vent without judgment. When I talk about struggles I am facing with my child, I do not want to hear about how lucky you are that you have a "good" baby. I do not want you to informally diagnose my child with some mental

disorder or suggest I abandon my parenting style. I just want someone to listen. I would be happy to do the same for you. And when I don't have time to hang out, please don't take it personally. Weekends are often the only time my whole family can be together, and we really need that.

I need family members who love and accept me, imperfect as I am. Your opinion means so much to me, so try not to be too disappointed if I fall behind in my day-to-day tasks. I am doing the best I can. There will be time enough for chores when my babies are older. When you plan a get-together, please consider my children. Everything goes so much more smoothly when their needs are met. I might be intensely emotional around you, and I apologize, but know that this

is because you are one of the few people I trust enough to open up to. If I parent differently from you, I do not mean it as an insult. I am just doing what I feel works best for my kids. I know it sounds silly, but I really just want you to be proud of me.

Most of all, I need a partner who will support me, not just in word but in deed. I appreciate that you value my thoughts and opinions, but what I really need is for you to act on it. If you want me to be an attentive mother to our children it will require a lot of my time and energy--especially when they are little. Please support me in this effort by picking up some of my slack around the house. Keep up with the messes you make. Do a load of laundry or pick up a broom now and then. Sometimes, I feel emotionally depleted at the end of the day. Please know that I love you and that I am not intentionally ignoring you. Even when I am not up to being intimate, I still very much need
your affection. The rest will come in time.

To all of my loved ones, thank you for listening and for always being there. To my fellow moms, you are not alone. I hope you find everything you need.

And Then He Gave Me Consequences

(My little boy sharing popcorn with Daddy.)

I was recently given consequences for my actions . . . from my two year old! I have never been prouder!

My husband works from home and I am a stay at home mom. This arrangement began this June and seems to suit us just fine about 96% of the time. The truth is that my husband's work keeps him so busy in his home office that we rarely see him during the day, but the lack of commute means that we now see more of him in the morning and in the evening than we used to. However, there are times when he is on important meetings via the phone when it is imperative that things are kept quiet on that end of the house as much as possible. During one of those times, my son started throwing a tantrum IN THE ROOM ADJOINING THE OFFICE. Now, this is a situation in which I did not make my best parenting decision. Instead of moving my son into another room, holding him, and letting him cry in my arms while I sorted out what was going on (which is what I should have done), I yelled at him. That's right, my solution to the noise level not being quiet enough? Add to it! (Not such a good choice, eh?) To my chagrin, I'll admit that I didn't just yell. I lost it. We'd been having a rough day and my husband had many, many calls in the days leading up to that day and my son had many tantrums that week. None of that excuses my behavior; these are just the reasons why the situation was intense. I was one mean Mama and I was not the least bit gentle in the way I handled him. I knew by the look on my son's face that I had gone way too far and it broke my heart. Within a few seconds, I went from absolutely crazy angry, to utterly saddened and remorseful.

I held him while he sobbed and I took deep breaths with him, but he knew and I knew that it was too little, too late. He nursed a little, and that seemed to help. Then, when he finally did calm down enough to eat his popcorn snack (something we usually share), he gave me consequences. He would not let me have any popcorn. I could read his message in his eyes and body language as clearly as if he were saying it. His little fist and his stern "no" were his way of saying "Mama, you really hurt my feelings a little while ago and I just don't feel like sharing with you right now." So, I did what I felt he wanted me to do. I begged him for the popcorn and let him tell me "no" over and over again. He never got angry about it; we both knew that it had nothing to do with the actual popcorn and that he needed the release of being the one in charge and the one who would decide when we were ready to be "okay" again. My son does not have any abstract language, yet, but that doesn't stop him from feeling things like "anger," "frustration," and "hurt." It just keeps him from being able to talk about it. So, we talked about popcorn instead.

"Can Mama have popcorn, please?"

"No."

"I love you Owen very much and I'm very sorry about being so mean. May I have some popcorn?"

"No. No Mama popcorn."

I asked him if he wanted me to give him some space and he told me "Mama stay. No popcorn, Mama, [but] Mama stay." He then snuggled his back a little closer to me and allowed me to feed him some popcorn as if to say "I still love you and I'm almost ready to forgive you, but I just need a little more time and a little more effort from you." I could have cried because it was all so clearly written in his little blue eyes. As much as it saddened me to have driven my two year old to communicate these kinds of feelings with me, I was also so very, very proud of him for finding away to express them to me in a way much better than I had just expressed my feelings with him. Here was the model of perfect gentle parenting coming I from my own baby! Realistic consequences, honest feelings, continued presence even when he was clearly very angry with me . . . he was everything I want to be. After about twenty minutes, he turned to me and studied me with his intelligent, sweet little eyes. I knew he was thinking about forgiving me. I tried one last time.

"Can Mama have some popcorn?"

"Yes" he whispered, gave me a hug, and fed me a little popcorn.

I've learned an important lesson through this. My imperfection is sometimes the chance my child needs to illustrate the grace and patience he's working on. It turns out that if I treat my son like a human being who occasionally needs forgiveness, he will do the same for me. I may not always be the mom I want to be. I may not always be the mom he deserves. I may not always be the mom he wants to have, but I have to say that something must be going right if my son feels strong enough to stand up for his feelings in a gentle, but firm way, and can find a way to communicate not only hurt, but love and forgiveness using only a popcorn bowl.

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

Being A Better Mom

It's amazing how many "disagreements" I get in with my parents about how to parent my child.  I understand that that is what parents do, and that's fine, but sometimes it goes a little overboard.  I'm sure they had it done to them when we were kids, but maybe it is time for a new generation to parent.

I parent very differently than my parents or my in-laws.  It isn't a small difference, and they know it.  The problem is that a lot of parents see you doing different things and think it is a smack on them when the truth is, your parenting style and your life in general isn't a way to judge them for how they raised you.

To me, I should always strive to be a better mom.  I can take things that my parents did when I was a child and refine them or scrap them.  That's the point of parenting.  Stagnancy isn't something I ever want to have with my children.

Being better and changing how I do things that will fit my family isn't a terrible thing.

And so, I came up with ways to be a better mom every day of the week.

1.  Truly listen to my daughter.  Talk to her, understand her needs, and for as long as she needs, make sure she has 100% of my attention.  No phone, no computer, no books, just me and her.

2.  More cuddle time!  I do still bedshare part time, so I get to cuddle then, but some days they just want you close and vice versa.  I never noticed how often that was because I was always doing something.  Now, I make time for her when she needs to feel my arms around her.

3.  Tell her I love her whenever I feel like it.  Even if she gets sick of it or doesn't respond, she hears it.  I don't want her to grow up feeling that something was missing or we didn't say it enough.

4.  Celebrate her accomplishments!  I hate saying "Good Job" when people do things because it just sounds like you weren't paying attention.  Instead, I will actually point out what she did, how she did it, let her know I truly understand and applaud her.

5.  Even if it turns into a mess, have her help with cooking or dishes.  I loved doing that with my mom, it made me feel so important!

6.  Don't say no as often.  This one may seem odd, but some days I seem to say no all day long, and it just turns into more arguments.  I am trying to do other things besides "no", and let her decide things on her own.  And the strange thing is that when she is able to decide, she normally goes with what she is "allowed" to do, and doesn't push her limits or mine.

7.  Let her be her own person.  She isn't my clone.  I don't want her to be.  I want her to make mistakes and learn from them.  I want her to know I am here for her, but I do not want to push her into things she doesn't want.

This week, we tried something new.  And amazingly, just doing a few simple things a day changed our relationship in profound ways.

50 Ways to Seduce a Mother (or a Father)

In honor of Valentine's Day, I thought it might be fun to write a little about seduction. The true art of seduction is not to convince someone to do what you want, but to get someone in the mood to want what you want and to ask you for it. It's a subtle distinction, but an important one and it can be one that's difficult to achieve after you become a parent. (After all, it's really hard to switch gears after you've been "mommy" and "daddy" all day and you might have to slip back into those roles at any given time throughout the night.)

However, there are many romantic things you can do for your partner that will help her (or him) feel more inclined to be romantic. (And most of them are cheap and easy!) I offer these as some inspirations with a little help from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and some real life inspirations from friends. My ideas are geared toward women, but that's just because in my family, it's my husband who has the most trouble coming up with Valentine ideas and it fits better with the title to stick with "moms" as my focus, but most of these ideas will also work for men!

Seduce a Mother with:

Words:
1. Write a short love letter/post-it/email every day for a week. Say something very specific that you love about her and the way she looks. A lot of women start feeling unsexy after having children. Let her know that she still is every bit as sexy to you!
2. Compose a poem or song for her. (Bad writer/singer? No problem! You'll get bonus points for being brave and trying!)
3. Make a list with the kids of all the ways you want to show her you love her as a family. Post the list in a public place and make sure everyone tries to do something from the list every day.
4. Write her a long love letter or text like the ones you probably sent to one another when you were first together. Detail exactly how much she means to you and leave it some where she can find it!
5. Change the words to one of her favorite songs (or a love song that reminds you of her) to fit her and sing it to her. (Once again, she will only give you bonus points if singing isn't your usual thing!)
6. Get everyone's attention at dinner or another public meal and make a detailed speech/toast about her and how amazing she is.
7. Make her a mixed cd or playlist with songs that are special to you two.
8.If you have saved old emails or letters between the two of you, print them out and put them in a special book. If you have the time add pictures alongside the letters and surprise her with them.
9. Interview the kids on camera about what's special about her and have them interview you, then edit the videos together and surprise her with them. (Thanks, Nici, for the inspiration!)
10. Choose a word every day that you think describes her and slip her a note that tells her the word and why it represents her. Then find ways to use the word all day. (If you have older kids, you can co-opt them in the plan, too.)

Seduce her with Special time:
11. Surprise her by taking a day off work or getting her to take a day off work and plan different activities for you to do as a family (including all of the meals). If you have small children, make sure that you do most of the kid wrangling that day!
12. Plan a special "gift" hunt with the kids to help her find small presents that you've bought together for her. (Think gifts that are easy to hide: her favorite treat, a homemade bracelet, a small bottle of perfume, etc.) Come up with clues she can follow to get to her gifts.
13. Spend an evening with her just looking at old photos/videos/or listening to music that is special to her. Make sure she knows this is all about her memories that you want to hear about. Candlelight will definitely make the evening cosier.
14. Take her mini-golfing or some other silly activity you ordinarily wouldn't do. It's up to you if you bring the kids, but if you do, remember to be the one who steps up first to take care of them. This is about getting her in a more relaxed mood.
15. Go on a winter's walk and make her hot cocoa or tea at the end of it.
16. If you can find a sitter, take her someplace where she used to spend a lot of time before becoming a mom (to a show, to the gym, a bookstore etc.) Anyplace that will remind her of who she is besides being a mom.
17. Spend an hour or two just daydreaming about where you want to go as a couple. Dream about vacations you'd like to spend together, places you'd like to live, jobs you'd like to have.
18. Take her on a picnic. Too cold? Take her on a romantic picnic in your living room after the kids have gone to bed. Surprise her with it when she comes down from putting the kids to bed.
19. Plan a game night for the family or just the two of you. It doesn't matter what you play as long as she gets a chance to relax. Board games allow for more interaction, but if you want to play video games, that's fine, as long as she gets to choose what she wants.
20. Make a dinner or desert together after the kids go to bed. Try to find a recipe neither of you know how to make so you have to work together.

Seduce her with Gifts:
21. Give her a spa day. No money for a professional spa? No problem. Ask one of her best single friends to help you pick out lotions/face masks/whatever will make her feel refreshed and give her a girl's night to spend with that friend or team up with another couple and the two "givers' can help taking care of the kids while the two recievers get a spa day together!
22. Give her a day to go out on her own and tell her to buy for herself whatever makes her feel sexy. Tell her that you will not take no for an answer. You may be surprised by what she buys (it might be a new hair color, it might be a new cd, it might be a pair of shoes), but it isn't about her looking sexy for you. It's about her feeling sexy and that's a big difference.
23. Hire a "chef" for the night to come in and make a romantic meal (it can be a friend she knows who is a good cook). Alternatively, hire a housekeeper, an organizer, or a personal shopper for her. You know what would make her happiest.
24. Make or buy her something that you know she will use every day. Enlist the kids for ideas. It doesn't have to be something big. Just something that she can look at every day and know you care for her.
25. Make an investment in something she believes in. Is she a huge recycler, but you usually don't care much? Does she cry at ASPCA commercials? Is she a big believer in homebirth? Find a cause she cares about and make a donation. The fact that you paid attention, did the research, and contributed to her cause will mean a lot!
26. Ask her if she has a "bucket list" and make sure that you help her do something from the list! If she wants to travel somewhere buy a ticket or create a jar to save money in toward the trip. If she wants to learn how to fly, get her a lesson or create a jar to save money toward it. She'll thank you for it! (Thanks, Karen!)
27. Fund a girls' weekend or night. Get other partners involved and share the childcare and expenses!
28. Make her an appointment at her favorite salon for pampering.
29. Take the kids to pick out a small gift from each of them. Example? Buy her a charm bracelet and let each kid pick out a charm!
30. Buy her something that always makes you think of her. Does the smell of roses always make you think of her? Buy her some rose water or roses and let her know! Does the color blue match her eyes? Buy her a scarf and tell her so!

Seduce her with Acts of Service:
31. Make her dinner. Bad cook? Get the kids to help or ask relatives for easy recipes. You will get bonus points for trying!
32. Do her least favorite chore for her every day for a week.
33. Find her "to do" list and do everything on the list! (Thanks, Chris!)
34. Clean her car for her (if it's something she hates to do) or clean the snow off of her car for her. (This is something my husband excels at!)
35. Take over diaper/feeding duties for one day if you have small children.
36. Take on a house project that you know she wants done or if she really loves doing those projects but usually can't because she's tending to the kids, give her a chance to do one!
37. Give your bedroom a romantic transformation for her, buy new bedding or just change things up a bit. Bring in fresh flowers. Make the space special for her!
38. If it's been snowing a lot where you live, clear some space for the kids to play outside or clear sidewalks that don't always get cleared for her. She'll thank you.
39. Do the laundry for a week or even a month. (If you aren't sure how she likes to do it, ask for directions from either her or the kids.) Stick to it!
40. Make the bed for her (or do some other daily chore) every day.

Seduce her physically:
Note: It can be tempting to try to take these farther. Resist the urge. Let her know if she wants more!
41. Give her massage (foot/back/neck) for at least 30 minutes with her favorite scented oil or baby oil. Play her favorite music for her in the background and keep the lighting low. If she falls asleep, let her rest. She'll be more than grateful when she wakes up!
42. Make out with her. Act like you are teenagers and make out with her without pushing for more.
43. Feed her a dessert after the kids have gone to bed. This can be especially fun if she's adventurous and will risk be blinded while you feed her or letting you feed her in the dark. Finger foods are safest.
44. Spend a little time daily offering her extra touches. A few seconds extra added to a morning hug. Squeeze her hand. Take her hand when you are walking. Those extra touches add up quick over a week and can make her feel extra loved.
45. Spend time every day making extra eye contact with her. You don't have to stare her down, but eye contact of 3-5 seconds can let someone know that you are deeply interested in them.
46. Dine alone just the two of you in the dark or in low light. It might be even more fun to dine in a room you don't normally eat in, just don't freak out if a spill happens! Just laugh it off!
47. Offer to brush her hair/scrub her back or do some other small act of grooming for her. It's a gentle way to show affection.
48. Spend an evening gently tracing messages on her back and have her guess what you are writing. It sounds silly, but it can be a sweet way to show her affection.
49. Run her a bubble bath with some special bubbles and buy her a new fuzzy robe or pajamas. It can make her feel treasured and relaxed.
50. Kiss the top of her head, behind her ears, her neck, places that you probably forget to pay attention to now that you are so focused on being parents together. If you remind her of the playfulness of when you were first exploring your love, it will help her to be more playful now.

So there it is, 50 ideas to get your started. Combine them, add to them, and make them work for you! Happy Valentines Day!

-Connected Mom, Shawna