Communicating During The Terrible Threes, Teens, and Beyond

As a mom of six, I can confidently say that I have pretty much seen it all. Sicknesses, scrapes, tantrums, and even a couple broken bones have happened over the years. With kids, the things that you don’t expect are the personality differences that develop as your child grows. I have had a quiet baby, a social, outgoing baby, and a happy little guy that loves being cuddled. My three year old, however, is one of a kind.

He can go from being happy and loving to completely outraged in a moments time. I am pretty sure its common among kids, but three years olds are at an age where they are balancing between being a baby and being a kid. These mood swings have become common at my house. My son, Alex, can go from telling me how much he missed me to telling me I am a “Meanie Mommy” in seconds.

I have enough children at home not to take his sentiments personally, and I know for a fact that he is actually a sweet kid who loves his family. For a first or even second time mom, I know that it is hard not to have your feelings hurt when your baby suddenly turns on you for the first time. I think that these outbursts are actually an important part of growing up and learning how to assess and express your feelings.

As a parent, I feel that the best thing to do is talk to your kids about why they feel this way. At 3 years old, they may not be able to tell you but once they become a five year old, they will be able to tell you exactly what the problem is. It’s easy to feel guilty or sad when your child says they hate you, or that you are the meanest mom in the world. But what they are really trying to tell you is that they are frustrated, and just don’t know how else to say it.

I am also a mom of two teenagers, and let me tell you that being called a meanie may get worse before it gets better. Even at this stage, talking to your kids is the best way to find out how they feel. The change from pre-teen to teen was complete the day that I noticed my son, who is 14, no longer told me everything about his life. I was, and am, sad that he is growing away from me but I am also proud that he is becoming an adult. I know that once he is grown, he will open up again.

Communication is something that is vital for all relationships, and even more so with children. It may be hard to accept their feelings without reprimanding them, but honestly, they don’t hate you. Being a mom is never harder than when you have to stick to your guns, but I hope that later my kids will thank me for letting them express themselves. How do you communicate with your kids, whatever their age may be?

Parents Need to be Authority Figures

Authority figure. We're told as parents, and sometimes even as teachers or bosses, that we need to be authority figures. File this under another term that gets used without much consideration to what it actually means. Having experience in all of these arenas, I find myself now stopping to consider what it actually means.

In today's society, it seems like "authority figure" has been defined as a person who holds power and control. A person who dominates those underneath them. In our roles as parents and teachers, I sense this is what people mean when they speak of being a child's authority figure.

A quick perusal of "authority" in the Oxford English Dictionary shows an etymology that supports this assumption. What you aren't a supernerd with two, incredibly useful degrees in English? The Oxford English Dictionary is a massive collection of the history of words, their changing uses, and examples from written works from the dawn of the English language. No, really, the dawn. I said it was massive.

The word "authority" is recorded as early as 1303, when it meant the ability to inspire belief. By the end of that century it was being used to mean the power to enforce obedience. But upon further delving into the word's history I found a record of it's use in 1230 to refer to a book or evidence that was used to settle a question of opinion or give conclusive testimony. All of these meanings come from the same ideas - power and influence. That is not to say, however, that authority = power, although it may be a component.

But there is another meaning of authority that is apparent in its many iterations - a person or form of expertise. An authority can also be a person who is an "expert in any question." This meaning is not so different than the others. An expert can use his knowledge to influence others. However, I believe, the true authority radiates knowledge and doesn't need to influence or control those around. By freeing others from an oppressive influence, they become more open to ideas, recognizing the inherent wisdom.

As parents we should strive to be experts not control freaks. I know all too often I have gotten caught up in the "he won't listens" and "don't know what to do with hims." We're taught that we should control our children's behavior. There should never be screaming at a restaurant or a mad dash across the grocery store - we should be in control. Oh, and it should look effortless.

The problem is that we have gotten so caught up in having control and perfectly behaved children that we're squashing the child right out of them. Children are expected to "mind, " and have perfect manners. They "should be seen and not heard." I'm as guilty as anyone. I find myself apologizing for the slightest childlike impulses of Connected Son when we're in public. Connected Dad gets caught up in Connected Son "listening." I listened to him trying to express concern to him the other night for fifteen minutes and counted the use of "I need you to listen" over ten times. He wasn't getting through, because he wasn't modeling listening to Connected Son. He was interrupting and talking over him. He wasn't being an authority or an expert. He was attempting to control Connected Son's attention, and we all know how fruitless that is with a 3 year-old!

Parents need to be authority figures by sharing our expertise with our kids. After all, we're experts in using the potty, being polite, going to bed, and picking up our messes - or we should be! When your children look to you as authority figures do you want them to see you as a dominating force or a sage guide? We can demonstrate authority in our little one's lives without controlling them.

EC: Overcoming First Impressions

When I first heard about the practice of Elimination Communication (an alternative practice to diapering in which the caregiver anticipates the infant or child's elimination needs and takes appropriate action to 'catch' the elimination.) I have to admit that my first reaction was far from open minded and accepting.

I am pretty crunchy, I thought to myself but I am not THAT crunchy.

Much of my first impressions were uninformed and admittedly motivated by my own natural aversion feelings towards elimination. The words ‘unsanitary’, ‘impossible’, and even ‘uncivilized’ (much to my embarrassment as I’d like to think I don’t make judgments like that) all came to mind and I immediately dismissed the idea as being far outside the realm of what was right for our family.

Fast forward to July 10, 2010; My 10 month old son, Oliver, has the worst diaper rash he has ever had; it is a big chapped festering rash that no frequency of diaper changes and no amount of Zinc Oxide or antibacterial/anti-fungal creams seem to be clearing. Oliver is fussy and irritable, and many of our favorite baby wearing and holding positions are uncomfortable for him, so in desperation I take a walk to my local pharmacist who tells me that air can sometimes help more than any over the counter diaper cream. For the next two days Oliver spends as much time as possible bare bottomed.

Not only did Oliver love ‘running free’ and his rash clear with amazing speed, but over those two days I began to notice two things.

1) Behaviors that I used to think were just funny run of the mill 10 month old idiosyncrasies were actually signs that he had to or was in the process of 'eliminating'.

2) That my son didn’t 'pee all the time’ or very frequently as I had imagined and come to believe, but rather a larger amount at a time with less frequency. In fact, somewhere around lunch of the second day I realized that Oliver’s elimination rhythms were eerily in time with my own.

I would come to find further encouragement, on websites like DiaperFreeBaby.org and TribalBaby.org, that I wasn’t imagining things. They confirmed my sudden suspicion that contrary to what our diaper culture would have me believe babies do have bladder and sphincter control and predictable elimination rhythms.

Both websites also assured me that it was possible to implement elimination communication (EC) on a part time or even casual basis; I did not have to make a full-time round the clock commitment to EC. This was awesome to hear, because committing to such a giant undertaking as being hyper-vigilant to my son’s excrement 24/7 sounded unpleasant and exhausting.

After two days nearly diaper free and the reading that I was doing, the prospect of implementing EC was beginning to sound a lot less ‘unsanitary’, ‘impossible’, and ‘uncivilized’. In fact, the thought of my son sitting around in his own excrement waiting to be changed was starting to sound a lot less sanitary and a lot less civilized, and the price of diapers and diapering supplies certainly feels impossible some months with our family living on only one income.

My EC research was also leading me towards the answers to future parenting problems that I had been nervous about. “Potty training” is a term, and idea that I am not entirely comfortable with as a) I despise the use of words like ‘training’ in relation to raising children, and b) it seems to me that much of the modern day potty training dogma relies heavily on coercion and reward systems that I feel are not entirely beneficial or effective. In short, I was having trouble finding a potty training program that would fit my “gentle parenting” style.¹ EC respects children and, as quoted from DiaperFreeBaby.org’s “75 Benefits of EC”:

“Reduces confusion about rules and creates consistency: rather than preventing a baby from entering a bathroom and then later requiring a toddler to use the bathroom, the bathroom is made a welcome and safe place from the very beginning.”

Where I had once dismissed EC as an unsanitary, impossible, uncivilized practice in which only the most radical of the crunchy moms partook (funny how my long ago definition of radical is sounding more like me every day), I was now starting to think that the practice (or at least a modified form of it) may just be perfect for my family.

So it was decided that Thursday July 15, 2010 would be our first day of EC. Our game plan was relatively simple; I would ‘offer the potty’ upon waking in the morning and from naps, as well as immediately following long nursing sessions. The rest of the day I would watch Oliver for signs that he needed to eliminate then ‘offer the potty’, and I would create an association sound (I chose to go with the traditional ‘Pssst’ sound) by making said sound every time I noticed him eliminating.

I also chose to keep an ‘elimination journal’ for the first few days or so. On none of the sites I researched did I find the suggestion to keep such a journal, but I found a journal to be a useful tool in the past. A journal helps me to recognize patterns that I may have otherwise missed.

Our first days were interesting to say the least. The awkwardness and small moments of frustration remind me very much of the early breastfeeding days when Oliver and I were both learning with and from each other. It is essentially the same thing (though perhaps in reverse). Oliver and I are learning a skill; while this new skill does not yet come naturally to us learning this skill is far from ‘unpleasant and exhausting’ as I once thought it would be. In fact, I feel like becoming even more in tune with Oliver’s moment to moment needs is having positive effects on our day to day activities, and our relationship over all.

In little over 10 days since implementing EC practices I was not expecting measurable results. We are late starters, and even if we had started EC in the early days of infancy it is still a gradual process. My aim is not to loose the diapers full time, or to be able to brag that my child ‘potty trained’ early, but to become more in tune with my child’s elimination needs so that our future full time transition from diaper to toilet is a smooth, natural, and gentle one.

¹ I have since learned that Elizabeth Pantley, author of “The No-Cry Sleep Solution”, which helped us very much in improving the amount and quality of our family’s sleep in a gentle way, has written a No-Cry potty training book.

Why do you (or do you not), practice elimination communication in your family? Do you have any tips for beginners or late starters to share? Is there anything you do with your children that you had originally dismissed in your pre-parenting days?

Give Sorrow Words: Reflections on Pregnancy Loss

      This post was written for inclusion in the Pregnancy Loss Week Blog Carnival . Please join us at Fertility Flower for the week of August 23-27, 2010 where we will be featuring articles, posts and artwork about pregnancy loss.

  Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.  

~William Shakespeare

  
      Pregnancy loss is real loss. Those who are here and those of us who have passed through have experienced death. It's not what society generally considers death, but that is only because society as a whole chooses to ignore pregnancy loss. It's uncomfortable, surreal, and scary for those who have not experienced it. There was no person, no life, no accomplishments to remember fondly and mourn. People do not ask about our babies. People often do not know about them. Society says things like "it wasn't the right time" or "it's better this way" or "God has a reason," and then they drop it and expect that it never has to be mentioned again.
        But these deaths for us are very real. As real as the loss of any grandparent, friend, or loved one. The baby that no one knew was known by its mother, even if only for a moment. We carried these lost children, and we loved them. We loved them with a fervor that is matched by the love of any parent. We wanted them. We wished for them. We prayed for them. Some of us waited days in limbo to find out the worst. For others a moment shattered everything.
        But for most of us, the mourning has been done alone. There is no funeral, no memorial to remember the life lost. Many of us experience postpartum depression in the cruelest of all tricks, because our pregnancies ended too. However, unlike those who society sees as having a "right" to postpartum depression, there is no baby to be the light at the end of the tunnel. And because this death was not acknowledged, people forget. They tell us about their pregnancies, they avoid us because we're still "not over it," they call us out for having sad days or bitter days as though we should have more control than others over the grieving process.
       I have the bittersweet experience of knowing all sides of the equation. I have been blessed with a child. I have lost pregnancies. I have been blessed again. I have known the sheer madness of grief, the pure joy of expectation, the momentary solace of hope in the face of uncertainty, and the crushing hopelessness of loss, and it is enough to drive one insane.
       May you never experience it. I truly hope you do not. I hope this is only something you can read and learn to sympathize with. That the next time you hear another woman say something bitter or roll your eyes at the woman with downcast eyes at your OB's office or lurk on a message board that you look closer and see the pain behind these simple, insignificant moments and sympathize instead of criticize or condescend or preach to them.

This piece was originally written as a post on a large message board and I reposted it to this blog.  It still most clearly expresses pregnancy loss to me, so I chose to reshare it as part of this call for posts.

Another Take on Breastfeeding

There I was, holding my first baby after an unnecessary c-section. Disappointed with the delivery, I couldn't wait to nurse my son for the first time. First try, he latched! That was about the easiest nursing experience we had. From day one, I struggled with breastfeeding my son. Nurses encouraged me to pump, pump, pump! I did. I pumped until I thought my nipples would bleed away, or worse, fall completely off. Cracked, bleeding and sore, I was lost. What do I do? Why you supplement! You give your baby a bottle or two of formula, and you let your nipples heal. Really? I did just that. I "supplemented" and I offered my son bottle(s) I quickly realized this was NOT helping my latch issues. In a moment of frustration and a feeling of failure, I asked for help. Not the "give your baby a bottle" kind of help, but real help. A lactation consultant came to my room and helped me. Really, truly helped me. My son was latched, and I was feeding him from my sore, cracked, painful breasts.YES! I was told and led to believe that a bottle here and there was just fine. For me, this is what led me to troubles. While I nursed for about 90% of his feedings, I did turn to a bottle here and there. That worked out ok for a while. But eventually Tolliver realized that feeding from a bottle was faster and easier. He started to refuse the breast at about 5.5 months. He would scream and cry and have nothing to do with the breast when offered. What did I do? I offered him a bottle. Why? Because clearly he was starving and I wasn't producing enough. Ugh. So with this belief, I nursed when I could, and gave bottles when he wanted them. Eventually, he was on formula more often than the breast. I wasn't ready to stop nursing, but I also couldn't handle watching my son scream. It wasn't until much later that I realized that I set up my own failure by offering bottles. I promised myself I would do things much differently with baby #2, and I did. Holliday arrives after a legitimate emergency c-section. I offer the breast, he latches! I offer again, he latches! This boy loved the boob! The copious amounts of IV fluids swelled every inch of my body, and eventually the easy latch became difficult. This time, instead of fussing around, I called in the help of Daleen Bybee. At the time, Daleen was a local Le Leche League leader. I knew her as I would attend her meetings, but I had also began to know her on a slightly more personal level. I felt comfort in calling her in for encouragement and knowledge. She came in, helped me, and there we were, cruising along. I won't say it was easy from that moment on, but I will say that the outside advice and encouragement is what I needed. With work and commitment, we got it. When Holliday was about 5 months old I ran into health issues that required 2 unexpected surgeries. I was in the hospital for a week, and could only pump so much. My husband was forced to do some formula feedings. Argh. I was so scared things would end badly. After hitting the road to recovery I faced some serious supply issues. I pumped, and pumped and pumped. I ate ungodly amounts of Fenugreek, dug out my Domperidone prescription, and drank water until I thought I would drown. Frustration, failure, fear and anger are all emotions that engulfed me. What was I doing wrong? What am I to do? I am NOT giving up! Daleen picked up the phone and called to check in on us at the EXACT moment when we needed it. Once again, her encouraging words and advice saved me. She talked me through it, made me realize I was putting more stress than necessary on myself and that I could overcome this, if I wanted to. Dump the pump, enjoy the feedings and try not to stress. I did just that. I dumped the pump, put him on my breast every chance I had, and within a week, all was good! We were almost back to where we were, and I was SO grateful.

I can truly say that I LOVE breastfeeding. I love the closeness that it brings to me and my son. I love that I am the only one that can offer him that comfort. I love that it forces me to sit down and relax. I love that I am offering my child the absolute best that I can.... but it's not easy. It is a huge struggle. It's not something that with one attempt, you're a pro. We face our obstacles, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Not everyone takes advantage of the resources out there, but they should. I had a chance to pick Daleen's brain. I asked her some questions that I feel could help others along their journey.

What are 3 common misconceptions about breastfeeding?

-- It's easy!

-- There are no advantages after 6 months, or 6 days or 6 weeks....

-- What if I "can't" breastfeed? (less than 1%)

What are 3 common struggles mothers run into with breastfeeding?

-- pain

-- supply issues

-- infection or yeast (mastitis, plugged ducts, thrush, nipple trauma etc.)

What is the most common reason people turn to breastfeeding support coach?

-- Pain or supply issues "My baby isn't getting enough" or "I'm not making enough milk!"

The World Health Organization is recommending (and has for some time now) that women breastfeed for 2 years and beyond! Approx. 14% of women are breastfeeding at 6 months. Initiation rates are hight, but women quit without support and ACCURATE information!

LEARN about breastfeeding as a pregnant Mama, it's part of the "job" when the baby arrives, you'll be happy that you took the time to find out about it, so there arent so many surprises. Hang out with a breastfeeding friend. Go to a peer support group. Read a good book. "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" or "Dr. Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding" or "The Breastfeeding Book" by Dr. Sears are good books to start with!

If you are an online kinda gal, http://www.LLLI.org/ has a great search engine with AWESOME FAQ pages on all the topics mentioned here... and more!

Daleen Bybee

Co-Founder FootprintsFamilyHaven.com

Breastfeeding Peer Counsellor

Birth Doula

I strongly encourage all women to turn for help when it's needed. There are so many available resources. I can truly say that the help and knowledge I received, is the exact reason I am still successfully breastfeeding Holliday today. I owe many thanks to Daleen for all of her support, and her true passion for breastfeeding.

Tammy, Connected Mom

Gentle Help on the Circumcision Talk

I could not have imagined the response to the circumcision post on Monday.  I'm humbled and encouraged by the kind words and support most of you offered.

Over 700 people have viewed that piece, and I hope I changed some minds.  This morning an anonymous commentator left the following:

Anonymous said...

I can't tell you how much I appreciate posts like this...and how intrigued I am by it all. I am not a mother yet and, I too, am stuck in the middle in regards to what my decision will be when I have my own son one day. The more I read, the more I learn, the more I understand...the more I move towards an anti-circ opinion. In fact, I would say that my instincts are already anti-circ...my brain just needs to catch up. My issue? My husband. He is of the "I had it done, why not our future son?" mindset; and of course, "there was ONE kid in gym class in middle school that wasn't...and he was tortured by the other guys for being different. I don't want out kid to be subjected to that." God bless him he is a wonderful man but sometimes he just doesn't think for himself. We aren't ready to start a family yet, although it will be sooner rather than later and I find myself hoping we have girls first to give non-circ-ing time to become the America norm so it won't be as much of a difficult fight for me. The way things have been going for all of my friends having babies it looks as though I'm going to be spending all my energy fighting a planned/forced/"necessary" c-section. I don't want to have to fight the circumcision band-wagon either. So...any suggestions on how to get through my dear husband's thick head!?

Here's our opportunity to make positive change in a future child's life.  How would you gently shift this man's thinking? Please share your tips, advice, and support for moms and dads reaching out to unconvinced spouses and partners. 

Staying Connected When Your Baby Becomes Big Brother

After the excitement of Big Brother and Big Sister shirts has passed and the influx of happy visitors tapers off after the arrival of a new baby, the reality of parenting two children sets in.  A lot of parents face apprehension about the transition to having more than one child.  Attachment parents face the challenge of staying connected with older children while bonding with the new addition. 

We recently made this transition, and in many ways, it has been easier than I thought.  One thing I work on constantly is keeping connected with both kids.  Connected Daughter is worn and held at least 90% of the time, so figuring out ways to maintain a strong bond with Connected Son is particularly important.

Here are some tips to stay connected with older children during this time:

- Ask your older child to help.  Siblings like to feel needed.  Even toddlers can bring you burp cloths, "help" change diapers, and pick out outfits for baby.  Helping you care for baby allows them to bond as well.  Connected Son loves to make Connected Daughter laugh when she's fussy, and he's really good at it!

- Make special dates with older children.  Take big brother with you to the grocery store, hold hands, and talk about their interests.  Read big sister a book during baby's nap.  It's especially important for older children to have one-on-one time with Mom and Dad.  Some afternoons I take Connected Son outside to play ball or a library trip.  Those few minutes of mommy time go a long way.

- Be patient with them.  Attached children are generally sensitive and caring toward others, especially new siblings, but even they have a limit.  It's hard to go from having undivided attention to sharing your parents.  When tantrums erupt, help older children redirect their frustrations by modeling patience and positive thinking.

I never could have imagined how strongly Connected Son would bond with his sister.  I love to watch them together.  As a parent, your bond with you older children will take on a new and rewarding aspect as you watch them connect with their younger sibling.  It takes adjustment when your family grows, but with consideration everyone in the family can stay connected while creating personal bonds with the new family member.

Happy 4 Month Birthday, Connected Daughter!

Four months ago, our family grew a little bigger and my heart doubled in size.  Four months ago you were a sleepy little ball of pure joy.  Today you are a big, cuddly, slobbering, giggly, rolly-poly ball of joy!

At 4 months you:

Snort and belly laugh at big brother's silliness.

Kick your feet out with excitement when you see someone you love.

Blow raspberries back at Daddy.

Throw your arms over your eyes when big brother tries to wake us up in the morning.  You get this from mommy.

Finally wake up with a huge grin.

Want to stand up all the time and can actually pull up to stand on our laps.

Roll and scoot all over the living room.

Have two perfect dimples!