It Is Not My Penis

A few weeks ago, I was helping a friend find links on circumcision to give to her husband.  She doesn't want to circumcise their sons, and he does but wanted information.  I put a general call out on my facebook status, not thinking that my family would see it and wonder why.

About a week later, I had a talk with my mom.  She wondered why I wasn't going to circumcise my sons, if we are lucky enough to have any, and I told her the bare minimum knowing that she would disagree with me.  My dad even offered to pay for the procedure if it was about money.  The entire situation was laughable, if it hadn't been so sad.

One saying that kept coming to my mind through the entire conversation was, "It is not my penis."  Once I said that to my mom, she huffed and changed the subject.

The thing is, it truly is not my penis to choose to cut.  Just as my daughter's body isn't my own to pick and choose what she will have done, my sons will be the same way.

There are so many factors to think about when choosing to circumcise your son.  With your daughters, it is a no-brainer.  In the United States, female circumcision has been outlawed for over two decades.  Yes, it is a much rougher procedure, and the effects are longer lasting, but in the end, you are saying that your daughter's body isn't yours to control, but your son doesn't get that luxury.

The labia in a female has more folds, has deeper recesses, and can get so much dirtier than the foreskin of a male.  You don't worry about teaching your daughter to clean her vulva when she bathes.  You don't worry about the bacteria that can grow or the infections that she can receive if it isn't cleaned properly.  It is just something that you teach her as she is growing up.  You would never think to cut off the folds of her labia so that she doesn't have to worry about cleaning within them.

It is no different if you have an intact son.  For the first few years of his life, his foreskin will be adhered to his penis.  You do NOT retract, you do not do anything but clean it like you would his finger or toe.  Once he pulls it back himself as he learns his body and explores, you teach him to pull the foreskin back and clean inside.  It takes less than thirty seconds!

The midwife I work kept her new son intact.  When I change his diaper, I am amazed at how much foreskin he has.  Just as a baby, he has almost half an inch overlapping the head of his penis.  That is a lot of skin to cut off your perfect newborn!

If when my son gets older and understands what circumcision is and decides he wants it done, I will pay for it.  It isn't my body to make the decision for.  I will support him whatever he decides, but I will help him with information so he can make an informed decision for his own body, just as I made an informed decision now, before he was born.

If you were a child right now, depending on your parents to make decisions for you that will help you grow and learn and be the person you want to be, would you be okay with them cutting you to help you save thirty seconds in the shower?  Would you be okay with having less sexual function as you aged, thus depending on drugs like Viagra?  The United States uses more sexual dysfunction drugs than any other country in the world.  And, we have the highest circumcision rate in the world.  Coincidence?  I doubt it.

When you cut the foreskin off your son, you are cutting enough skin to make a 3x5 index card.  "This 3x5 card represents the amount of tissue missing from your penis.  It represents one third to one half, or approximately 15 square inches, of the total tissue coving the normal penis.  It contained over 20,000 nerve endings, 240 feet of nerves, and several feet of blood vessels."  (You can get a 3x5 printout of this information by going to http://www.luckystiff.org/ to hand out as a visual representation).

In the end, regardless of what you believe about circumcision, whether you have a boy or a girl, that part of their body does not belong to you.  Your daughter's vulva/clitoris and your son's penis are not your property to change.

Just repeat over and over again, "It is not my penis.  It is not my penis.  It is not my penis."

Things that make you go $%&#*@*#&*!

Hey, everyone!

I first want to take a moment to say "Thank You!" to those who have emailed me or commented on Connected Mom regarding the loss of my grandfather. It has been a hard week, but I'm working on moving forward and concentrating on family and my caking.

This weeks' post was the first that has come somewhat easily to me. I've been playing catch up the past few days and running lots of errands; all that driving has given me quite a bit of time to think.

I've been thinking heavily about circumcision this week. I read a quote by Guggie Daly that made so much sense--

‎"I did not "choose" to keep him intact any more than parents "choose" to let their newborns keep their legs, arms, nose, etc. It's a non-decision."

Wow. That seems so simple, doesn't it?!

I thought about coming here and beginning this post with a sarcastic epiphany that would read somewhat like:
"Hey there! (Fill in here about my week, all those niceties, etc.)
I think I've come to a realization-- I've decided that after reading all the arguments 'for' & 'against', that circumcision really is the best and should be done as soon as possible after birth. Unfortunately, I chose to leave my son and daughters intact. Thanks to sites such as http://www.circinfo.net/, with their many helpful brochures available on a plethora of subjects in many languages, I have come to realize the immense benefits of circumcision.

I've decided that 8 months is too long to have ignored the risks of not having my son circumcised and he has an appointment with a urologist to have it done tomorrow. Finally he will 'look like his dad' while they stand side by side & compare for years to come. It's healthier & cleaner, and we all know that kids, let alone boys, need all the help they can get with that. Oh, & the locker room-- I'm sparing him the embarrassment, since everyone's doing it.

After a lengthy talk with my husband, we both feel that this is best for our son and have done extensive research. Actually, in doing all this research, we've come to realize that we really should consider circumcision for our other two as well. It took some digging, but I found someone who realizes just how important this opportunity at equality and removal of a source of distraction is."

I would then go on to tell you not to judge me-- that these were 'my children' and I needed to make these decisions for them.

It wouldn't be long before the intactivists would be crashing the server and trying to change my mind.

However, reading Guggie Daly's quote made me stop and think...

Are such far reaching tactics necessary? Why is the choice to keep our sons intact even a choice? Why is it *OUR* choice?

It is *not* my penis. It is *not* my husband's penis. It certainly isn't my relative's penis! It is Killian's.

The doctor who will perform it at my request is ignoring the fact that it is not my penis. Here's a list of reasons why that doctor shouldn't be so quick to do routine infant circumcisions.

I've done my research and, to me, circumcision is a non-negotiable issue.

However, I cannot write this without acknowledging that had Killian been born in 2002-- i.e., had Chloe been a boy, I would be writing a much different piece.

I would be writing about my struggle with guilt over circumcising one child (born in 2002) and not circumcising the other (2010). I would hopefully stumble upon this post at Dr. Momma/Peaceful Parenting.

If you take no other impression from me than this, please remember that I am not a persecutor-- my biggest hope is that as parents we simply strive to be better than we were yesterday.

I am a Christian. I am politically a conservative. I am straight and married. I am a stay at home mom. I eat fast food a *lot*-- I love a burger or a steak, too! I am a lactivist (pro-breastfeeding) and intactivist (pro-keeping our sons intact).

If you scroll down my Facebook friend list, you'll find wiccans, agnostics, catholics, etc. This is their choice.
I have my share of liberals and anarchists on that list along with other classifications that I don't even know, since my political savvy is a recent (since marriage) venture. This is their choice.
You'll see people who identify as things other than straight, who are single, divorced, or state "it's complicated". This is their choice.
A lot of my friends who are moms work outside the home. This is their choice.
I have vegetarians and vegans on my list. This is their choice.
For each of these instances, the choice belongs to that friend. It impacts that friend. Sure, there's a ripple, but in the grand scheme of things, it's a small one that can be changed with minimal effort if so desired.

On this list, in the grey area, are my friends who do/have formula fed by choice. I post pro-breastfeeding links and blurbs here and there, and that's about all I can do. At the end of the day, I too was a formula feeding mom once. I get it. Whatever your reason/argument/issue, I get it-- I may not agree, I may try to persuade you otherwise (especially if you've been misled by an ill informed nurse/doctor or friend), I may shake my head, but I get it.

The area on this list, however, that is a struggle for me is those that choose to circumcise.

Those that list their status as "poor baby--- has to go get circumcised today" or "just waiting on them to circumcise him then we can get discharged. poor little guy". Things like this make me want to scream "Don't you know--- you don't have to allow this!" or "Will you be watching!?" (I am a firm believer that you should at least have to watch a video with sound before allowing this to be done-- even better would be if it was necessary that you watch your little baby have this done.)

These moms, who buy 'the best' car seats, 'the best' diapers, 'the best' clothes, 'the best' stroller... don't make the best decision.

At the risk of losing half my friend list-- a circumcision performed as a routine surgery on a newborn is never the best decision.

You are changing something that is not yours to change. You are taking away something from your little boy that you can't give back. You are projecting your preferences on him and his future girlfriends/wife. You are choosing to ignore-- and allow your husband to ignore what was done to him and you are choosing to perpetuate that cycle.

You think sugar water makes this hurt any less-- did there really need to be a study to tell us that it doesn't dull the pain? Do you think it really hurts worse as an adult (often the response about why parents should have it done to their baby ASAP) or is a grown man just better able to vocalize in a manner we must pay attention to?

Cut off a piece of skin from your most sensitive area and stick a lollipop in your mouth-- all better right?

Not hardly!
The good news is circumcision rates in the United States dropped to 33% in 2009, a steep drop from 56% just 3 years ago! Something to consider for those 'what will the guys in the locker room think' arguments!
Times they are a changin'-- which percentage are you contributing to?

Gentle Help on the Circumcision Talk

I could not have imagined the response to the circumcision post on Monday.  I'm humbled and encouraged by the kind words and support most of you offered.

Over 700 people have viewed that piece, and I hope I changed some minds.  This morning an anonymous commentator left the following:

Anonymous said...

I can't tell you how much I appreciate posts like this...and how intrigued I am by it all. I am not a mother yet and, I too, am stuck in the middle in regards to what my decision will be when I have my own son one day. The more I read, the more I learn, the more I understand...the more I move towards an anti-circ opinion. In fact, I would say that my instincts are already anti-circ...my brain just needs to catch up. My issue? My husband. He is of the "I had it done, why not our future son?" mindset; and of course, "there was ONE kid in gym class in middle school that wasn't...and he was tortured by the other guys for being different. I don't want out kid to be subjected to that." God bless him he is a wonderful man but sometimes he just doesn't think for himself. We aren't ready to start a family yet, although it will be sooner rather than later and I find myself hoping we have girls first to give non-circ-ing time to become the America norm so it won't be as much of a difficult fight for me. The way things have been going for all of my friends having babies it looks as though I'm going to be spending all my energy fighting a planned/forced/"necessary" c-section. I don't want to have to fight the circumcision band-wagon either. So...any suggestions on how to get through my dear husband's thick head!?

Here's our opportunity to make positive change in a future child's life.  How would you gently shift this man's thinking? Please share your tips, advice, and support for moms and dads reaching out to unconvinced spouses and partners. 

When the time comes: The Circumcision Talk

My son is circumcised. Not for a religious reason. Not as the result of an educated decision. My son is circumcised because this is exactly how much thought I gave it:

Scene - Triage room in L&D, 35 weeks pregnant, checking for preterm labor
Nurse: Let's do your preadmission
Me: Ok.......(skip ahead)
Nurse: Do you know the sex?
Me: It's a boy.
Nurse: Will you circumcise?
Me: (looks to Connected Dad)
Connected Dad: Yes

Three weeks later when I finally gave birth, the on-call doctor told me she didn't do circumcisions, but Dr. K loved to do them and would perform it later. They informed me that despite my objection to pacifiers as a nursing mom, they recommended one with a little sugar water to help calm the baby. At the time I was so caught up in the recovery from my c-section and difficulty nursing that I simply agreed. Looking back I wonder what I was thinking! Why would a doctor not do it? Why did they need to pacify my son? Because I was agreeing to mutilate him. There's really no way around it. My son was born beautiful and perfect, and I allowed them to perform unnecessary surgery on him.

Like so many mothers I fell victim to the idea that I wasn't the best person to make the decision, since I didn't have a penis. I was fine with it because I had no experience with intact penises. I can recall every single couple, there were 6, in my childbirth class, all of whom were expecting boys, discussing that circing was the norm. The only thing I read about circumcision, from a baby book I greatly revere from Dr. Sears, advised that if you thought the baby would ever want to be circumcised, it was best to do it at birth than later in life when the procedure was more difficult and painful (recent research undermines this theory, suggesting newborns are much more sensitive to pain). I do remember thinking it's better to do this now that wait. He'll want to look like Daddy. I know somewhere in my subconscious I thought it would be easier if he couldn't remember. How unfeeling of me! He still experienced the pain and fear. And like most mothers, I did not attend my son's circumcision. Having seen photos now of the procedure and read more about it, I can only imagine how my maternal instinct would have overcome me. I suppose if they let moms attend it, they wouldn't perform many circumcisions once mom saw this:Photo credit peaceful parenting

When we were expecting Connected Daughter, I tentatively brought up circumcision to Connected Dad. I knew I would not allow another boy to be circumcised and was concerned that he might be upset. After all, I had left the initial decision up to him. Instead he agreed. He'd read about circumcision in a book and was horrified that he'd agreed to let Connected Son be circumcised.

And all of this leads up to what I mean when I say someday we will have the circumcision talk. I have no idea how it will come up. But someday I will apologize to my son for circumcising him, and I will explain to him that he was born perfectly healthy and I made a decision that was not my place to make. There are those that would laugh at this I'm sure, but my motivation is not to alleviate my guilt or traumatize my son, it's to stress the importance of leaving his own sons intact. I imagine the conversation may occur if we are blessed with another son in the future. I have no qualms about leaving that son intact. I'm not hung-up on a future son looking like his brother or father. Instead it will be a chance for me to admit my own mistake and stress to my children the importance of making educated decisions about parenting and birth. If I had been informed, I never would have agreed to circumcision.

Now I could list all the medical reasons why circumcision is not only unnecessary but dangerous. I could share with you the horrible statistics of infant boys who die, are seriously injured, or become ill from an unnecessary procedure. But I won't. If you need to read statistics or hear more stories, Peaceful Parenting has put together a tremendous resource list of books, articles, and websites with accurate information for parents. You can view it here.

In the end it all comes down to one thing - leaving your son intact is a matter of ethical integrity. Americans are horrified by the practice of female genital mutilation in other cultures. Amnesty International has spoken out against it. Yet, circumcision is an accepted medical practice in the U.S. If we can be honest with ourselves, it is no different than female genital mutilation. Regardless of whether you circumcised your son, like I did, or left them intact, it's time to accept that reality and demand an end to a procedure that is dangerous, medically unnecessary, and psychologically traumatic. We cannot hide behind the guise of tradition. And if that's not enough to convince you, imagine being strapped down, days old, and having the most sensitive area of your body partially removed by a knife. Could you do that to your child?