The Road to Healing

Every year my oldest daughter's birthday comes around and I am taken back to when she was born.  I rework her birth story, add more understanding and less anger.  Though nothing could have prepared me for how her birth would feel after having my Freebirth.

Her cesarean has always been hard for me to deal with.  I'm able to talk about it most times now without stumbling and crying, I can talk to some of the people that caused the reasons for her cesarean without wanting to run away, but now knowing that my body was never broken, that it simply needed no one to mess with it?  I now have an entirely different perspective.

I know that most women won't have the birth I did.  Unassisted Birth, or Freebirth, isn't for everyone.  It isn't meant to be.  You take an even more direct approach to your own care, and you have to reach deep down to become in tune with your intuition.  Some women need another person in charge to rely on.  Others don't want to take completely responsibility for their birth.  Even more don't care.

However, my Freebirth almost eight months ago opened my eyes.

Six years ago I was told things would end differently.  A supposedly term baby, a very "unrisky" procedure, and the possibility of a cesarean if she didn't turn from breech.  I didn't think much beyond that.

Every bad thing that could happen did.  I had a cesarean, my "term" baby couldn't breathe, and I had PPD/PTSD for months after.  I didn't bond, didn't feel much of anything for her other than responsibility.

Now having had my Freebirth, having had that instant bond, I know a few things in the shadow of six years.

The procedure before could have killed her and was completely unnecessary and even more dangerous now that I know about my bicornuate uterus, but the cesarean I despise saved her life.

That may not sound like much, but this is a huge step for me.  One that I see is a step in the way of healing.

They saved her life and inadvertently created the birth of my second.  I don't know if I would have found this path without the trauma caused, but I can now be a little bit grateful for it.

yoga: a personal persuit becomes a bonding experience

After I had Gwen, I lost myself in motherhood a bit. There is no denying that you change, on a very profound level when you become a parent. After a year, I knew I had to do some work to find balance in my new life. I needed to make sure that I was caring for myself, and addressing my own needs, not just Gwen's. I started going out with girlfriends for occasional dinners, and started volunteering with a state park clean up once a month. About 9 months ago, I added yoga to my weekly routine, and it has quickly become one of the most crucial ways that I find balance in this mommy life of mine. I only attend a formal class once a week, but it is one night a week to focus solely on me, and my emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

This, and more amazingly gorgeous family yoga pictures, can be found here.

Recently though, I decided it might be fun to share what has become a passion of mine. Not that one night a week - that is still mine, and mine alone - but yoga in general. Gwen has shown a curiosity in this pursuit that keeps me out past her bedtime regularly, so when she asked me about it a few weeks ago, I decided to ask her if she wanted me to show her what yoga was. She was very excited about the prospect and quickly soaked up each position I showed her. At first, it was just something that she brought up sporadically, but once she started showing her school teachers different positions (her favorites are tree and wheel), I thought it was time to make this something more regular. I have a family yoga DVD in hand that I can't wait to show Gwen.

At first it seemed funny to me that something which brings me so much joy as a personal pursuit would be something that is such a joy to share with Gwen as well. Honestly though, when we love something we want to share it with the world, and that's what Gwen is to me. The benefits are numerous as well. Gwen's knowledge of my practice was important to me, because I want her to be aware from a young age that my physical health is a priority; I want physical activity and healthy pursuits to be a focus of hers. There is so much pressure on girls to look a certain way, but this has a different focus - feeling healthy. Our conversations are never about how I do this to fit into my pants, or so I don't get fat, since that is not at all what it is about; our conversations are about how yoga helps me to feel healthy, strong, and gives me more energy for other types of play.


As we continue to explore this passion, I hope Gwen will find, as I have, that she is becoming more in tune with and more aware of her body. I want her to be proud of what her body is capable of, and to understand that with practice and patience, that capability can grow.

What Happens When Your Water Breaks and You Don't Deliver Within 24 Hours: Part 2: My Pre-birth Story

Okay, so Part One was all about the research that went into the decision I made not to go to the hospital even after my water had been broken for over 24 hours. This is my personal story.

It was Wednesday, March 6. Like all wednesdays were at the end of my pregnancy, this one was busy. In the morning, was my son's library story time (a highlight of his week), followed by a rush to make lunch and get dinner in the crockpot, than get my son down for his nap, then head out to a town 45 minutes away for my now weekly midwife appointments (there was only one midwife at that location, the closest to my home, and she is only there one day a week), than another 45 minute drive home when I would rush in to get dinner finished and on the table. This had been my routine for three weeks. As I was placing dinner on the table that night, though, something different happened. I felt a small gush of warm liquid. I'm not going to lie. My first thought was, "Crap. Not again. I don't want my water to break when I am not in labor yet!" My second thought was maybe the baby (always low in my 39th week) had put pressure on my bladder. I went to the bathroom and there was no more "leaking" so I thought maybe I could stop it with my kegels and that it wasn't really my water. However, immediately after leaving the bathroom, I started to feel squirts every time I took a step and there was no stopping them. It was my water breaking before labor. Again. I asked my husband to finish setting the dinner table, went upstairs, changed my clothes grabbed a poise pad (I had convieniently bought two large bags of them just in case) and told my family over dinner that my water had broken. My husband wanted to call everyone immediately, but I held him back knowing that labor could take awhile in coming (little did I know how long!). In the end we made four phone calls that night, one to each of our mothers as a heads up we could need child coverage that night, our doula, and our midwife practice because I wanted to make sure that a tub room would be available for me. We then double checked our labor bags, set them by the door, got out all our "birth day celebration" goodies we had bought for our son and his grandparents to decorate the house with while we were at the hospital birth center and went to bed early to rest up for the big day. Around ten, I started getting moderate contractions lasting about a minute and coming every five minutes and this lasted for about three hours, and I tried to rest through them knowing that active labor would be much harder. Gradually, they petered out and I started the next morning still not in active labor.

Thursday March 7

Still, I knew from research that something like 90% of women have their babies within 48 hours of their water breaking, so believing statitics to be on my side, I did not worry. In fact, I even felt a little proud of myself. Here was my chance to do what I thought I should have done my first labor, stay home longer! I did make a call to my chiropractor whom I had been seeing weekly and she agreed to adjust me just in case labor was slow in coming because of some positioning issue (I had been doing the daily exercises from spinning babies every day since my 31st week, and I continued to do those, but I figured chiropractic help couldn't hurt!). She came in on her day off to do it (because the doctors at Volz Chiropractic are awesome like that). I then decided to gently encourage labor by doing some walking and our family of three went to the mall to walk (or in my case, waddle) and invite our fourth member to join us. We walked for a few hours, with me staying well hydrated and making frequent stops to change my pads and to breathe through some decent contractions. We then came home for lunch and I took an after lunch nap with my son to rest up for the big show. However, by the time we hit the 24 hour mark, my natural contractions had increased in intensity, but were still very sporadic and I was no where near active labor despite bouncing on the exercise ball post nap and doing tons of labor "visioning." At my husband's insistance, I called to check in with our midwives (we'd been touching base with our doula all day) and the midwife on call told me that it was their offical recommendation that I come in for pitocin if I was not in active labor at the 24 hour mark. I spoke with her about the research I had done about pit increasing my risk as a VBAC mama for uterine rupture and the study I had read that found that women who had their babies up to 72 hours after their water had broken showed no increase of infection if they stayed at home until they were ready to deliever and had no cervical checks. She agreed that I was making the best medical decision for me and my baby, reiterated the signs of infection that I should be monitoring myself for and I agreed to check back in at 48 hours if I was not already in the birth center at that point or holding a newborn in my arms. I then went for a long walk and had a good cry because despite the fact that I was sure my research was solid and I was doing the best thing for my baby by doing nothing, I still was starting to feel like my body was letting me down by not going into active labor yet. However, I decided that either I trusted my body and God or I didn't and I would just have to trust a bit longer. That night, my contractions intensified during another three and a half hour session and were five minutes apart lasting one minute or longer, but once again, alas, they faded out.

Friday March 8

The second morning, I was feeling a little bit more panicked. I wasn't sure what the response would be if I checked in with the midwives that night and was still not in active labor. Luckily, my amazing doula came over and calmed me down. She brought with her a list of gentle, natural encouragement methods (from Susan Weed's herbal book) we could try that would be far less dangerous than pit for me. Although I am not in favor of induction at all in normal circumstances (I know there are certain medical circumstances in which it is advisable, but in general I feel it's best to let nature take its course), I figured my water breaking was a sign that my baby was ready to be born and maybe just needed a little encouragement. So, that day, I:
1. Did an intensive hypnotherapy session with my doula creating new birth goals and relaxation while having castor oil applied topically to my belly and benefitting from essential oils.
2. Did some homeopathic induction therapy
3. Walked again. A lot. While staying hydrated and taking breaks.
4. Bounced on the ball again.
5. Went to an acupuncturist for the first time. This did bring on some mild contractions, but nothing like the natural contractions I would have very randomly that were intensifying ever so slowly. It was a very strange, awkward experience and one day I will write that story because it is very funny and worth telling.
6. Did nipple stimulation three times. This brought on the best contractions, but they would always peter out after a few hours.
7. Did more aromatherapy with essential oils my doula had brought for me.
8. My usual positioning exercises only doubled.

Still at 48 hours, we were not in anything close to active labor. I called in as promised and got the midwife I had been seeing for the duration of my pregnancy. I was feeling pretty defeated and would have done anything she asked me to do, and she could hear the defeat in my voice (a first for me in the entire time I had been planning this VBAC). She told me that she did not think I was in the right mental place to face pit (a chemical I had privately labeled my nemesis in my last birth) and that she was not worried in the least that I or the baby was not okay. She knew I was monitoring myself and that my "home" bacteria were the least compromising bacteria I could be around. She told me that it was her "official recommendation as a midwife in the practice and a representative of the hospital that I come in after 24 hours of no labor after my water broke" BUT as MY midwife she thought I needed to rest, do whatever else I thought I needed to to induce labor gently and naturally and to come in the next morning or even the next evening for pit if I felt that was what was right. I agreed to do just that and asked directions to try castor oil (the only thing I had not tried yet); she gave me her recommendation and I hung up. My husband was freaking out at this point. He had been sure that we were going in that night for pit (as had I) and felt panicked at the thought of staying home even longer, but we had a long talk and I told him what I knew to be true. I was fine. The baby was fine and would remain fine and I needed rest and a new outlook if I were to have a successful VBAC in the near future.

That night, the night before my own birthday, I took castor oil shots chased with orange juice which aided in my nipple stimulation induced contractions and thoroughly cleaned me out, but did not put me into active labor although by morning my natural contractions were extremely strong, just still random. The next morning we woke up, walked the dog, I opened two birthday cards from my husband, kissed our son goodbye with many tears shed by all (this was far from the labor at home until the very end, leave only for the birth itself and then come home as soon as possible labor plan I had from the begining of my pregnancy), and headed on the road to the birth center to be put on pitocin once again. It had been about 63 hours since my water had broken. My "birth" story will be told in part 3.

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

love makes a family

In our household we are teaching Gwen that people are people, no matter how they look. We don't judge someone because of their appearance and its similarities or differences to our own. 

We are teaching that, like people, families come in all different shapes and sizes. A mom and a dad, just a mom, just a dad, two moms, two dads, one child, lots of children. Love (and devotion) is what makes a family, a family.

In our household we are teaching Gwen that love is love, no matter what gender the persons are. Because you don't decide with whom you fall in love. And we all deserve the chance to experience true, passionate love.

These things must be discussed, they must be nurtured. A gentler, kinder world starts with us. Every child that we teach to love, accept, and share joy instead of hate, fear, anger is making the world a better place. We treat Gwen with the same kindness and respect that we want her to carry out into the world.

it takes a village

My husband, daughter, and I went to visit with my parents last month as a belated celebration for my dad's birthday, mother's day, and an early celebration of the husband's birthday. It was a great visit and it reminded me of the truth behind the old adage, that it takes a village to raise a child. I am so lucky that my parents are an active and vital part of that village.

My mom has been Gwen's babysitter since she was born, and it makes me feel so at ease to know that she's in such safe, loving hands. Her Papa is one of her favorite people ever.

But your village doesn't have to be blood. We are also so lucky to have amazing neighbors, who treat us like their own kids/grandkids. Gwen is so fond of Mr. Joe and Ms. Sue, and its amazingly freeing to know that they are there in a pinch.

Our best friends, too, are there as loving, gently adults in her life. Its a blessing to have so many people that truly love Gwen, and who treat her with respect and care.

Who's in your village?

The One About the Playground

I've seen a lot of chatter about playgrounds in my newsfeed lately. Remember the iPhone Mom and the frenzy of posts that followed from both critics and supporters? Now it seems every time I open up Facebook there is yet another article or blog about parents, kids, and outdoor play.

The logic I typically see goes something like this: Kids need free play without parental interference. They need to be able to navigate their own social circles, test their own physical abilities, and interact with peers and adults without mom-helicopter or dad-helicopter hovering around. Sounds good, in theory, doesn't it?

Except when it doesn't. Keep reading long enough and you'll find just as much "evidence" to support the other side.

We watch them too closely. No, we don't watch them carefully enough. Parents should leave their kids alone at the playground. For goodness sakes; aren't you watching your kids at the playground? Children need time to be with others their own age to learn social skills. Why are you sitting on the sidelines instead of teaching your kids social skills? Don't help or praise your kids on the jungle gym. Heavens, can't you see your kid needs some assistance and encouragement on the jungle gym?

So, what's a concerned parent to do? Sit back and watch? Or stay close and supervise? Leave them alone? Or play alongside?

I'll let you in on a little secret. I have the answer to your playground and park dilemma. Shhh . . . lean in closer.

Know. Your. Child.

Yep. It's that easy. Really.

Some kids thrive on the independence. They can't wait to ditch their parents at the park entrance and run off to find new friends. They might check in every once in a while just to see what you're doing or to ask for water, but for the most part they are in their own world. Bring your Kindle, open a good book, and relax. They'll find you when they need you.

Others might need mom or dad to stay with them until they feel more comfortable navigating the scene, especially at a new or unfamiliar place. After they've had a chance to warm up and/or talk to a few other kids, they will happily go in search of adventure while you fade into the background. Stay close, but step back when the opportunity presents itself. 

Younger ones probably need more guidance simply because of safety concerns. I know some folks like to say that children will only test their natural limits, and won't do more than they are capable of, and they need to learn to trust themselves, blah blah blah. I'm convinced none of those people have ever actually had a toddler. Toddlers are fearless and will do crazy things without half a thought.

Sometimes they just want to play with you, and that's okay. They might be intimidated if surrounded by a lot of older kids. Perhaps it's your first visit and it's a bigger playground than what they are used to. Don't let this worry you. One day your timid three-year-old will be your six-year-old social butterfly. Your toddler will be pointing you the bench saying "mama sit here" before you blink. Go with it, and follow their lead. 

And you know what? These hypothetical scenes are all correct. There is no "incorrect" way to take your kids to the park. Don't assume that because someone is not approaching it the way you would they are doing it wrong. 

If you're an on-the-sidelines parent, don't assume the dad standing close by his five-year-old daughter is helicoptering because you'd be more hands-off by that age. If you are one to be right in the midst of your children's play, don't assume the mom checking her e-mail is uncaring or ignoring them. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they are doing what they feel works best for their child. Just as you'd want someone to do for you.

Then of course there's the other thousand scenarios that you know nothing about and have no right to judge. Maybe the Dad who is swinging alongside his kids just got home from deployment and hasn't seen them in a year. Maybe the mom at the slide is "fussing" over her three-year-old because he just got out of his cast this week and she's a little nervous. Perhaps the woman glazed over talking on her phone seemingly not paying attention just got the worst news of her life. 

The next time you're at the park with your kids, simply approach it in a way that works for them. And drop any judgment at the gate.

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.

the end of our breastfeeding journey

I'm pretty much ready to call it at this point. Gwen, my spirited 3-year old, hasn't nursed in two weeks now, so I'm going to say we're completely weaned. Looking back, it was so much easier then I thought it would be. When she turned 3, I definitely didn't think we'd be done by now, and with so little fussing, but here we are! 39 months is the last breastfeeding milestone we will reach together, and, as a Mama in the one-and-done camp, the last one I will ever reach. As with a lot of things with Gwen, she lead the way, on her time.

So here's a little round up of how Gwen self-weaned:


February 16th:
Gwen turns 3 years old. Still nursing 2x a day, once in the morning, and once before bed.


Week of March 11th to 15:
March 11th, had a long evening because of a friend for dinner. After I had to turn down Gwen's requests to play CandyLand and to watch a music video, I didn't want to turn down her request for a book. So I gave her the choice: read a book and skip milkies, or have milkies. She chose the book!

I offered again throughout the week and she chose the book! At one point she told me, "I'm a big girl Mom, and I don't need to have milkies. I can, but I don't need them."

The whole week, only nursed 2x in the morning because of walking up later due to daylight savings time. This was a little harder for her, but she did well with it.

Did nurse Friday night because of a rough evening. Lots of tears at bedtime and she needed the comfort. 



That Weekend:
Nursed both mornings, but neither evening! One of the mornings she told me that milkies didn't want to come out.



End of March:
We're completely done with evening nursing session. We only ever read!
She's also waking up later on average during the week, so only nursing about 4x a week (2 mornings during the week, 2 mornings on the weekend).



Mid-April:
Gwen came to bed with us one morning, and we snuggled and fell asleep! Just like that!

Used that as a stepping point to talk about how big she's getting and how maybe soon she won't do any milkies anymore. She was receptive and positive about it.


Last full week of April:
Nursed only once, on Saturday, for only about a minute on each side (maybe less). Came to bed with us on Sunday and fell asleep for over an hour without nursing!

Generally she wakes up during the week after I'm already in the shower. Yay for extra sleep!



Mid-May:
Gwen hasn't nursed in over a week, and that session had only been about a minute. Regularly comes to bed with us on the weekend without nursing.



Last week in May:
Didn't nurse all weekend, which puts us about 2+ weeks now. She told me on Tuesday, "We're not having milkies anymore Mommy. You'll have to give away all the milkie things."

39 months, and I am calling it.


How does this feel? 
Well, it happened so easily and naturally, I can't be anything but happy about it. I'm thrilled that the end of breastfeeding hasn't meant the end of bedsharing for us, as I feared it might. We still get our morning snuggles on the weekend. I had little moments of wistfulness when it was becoming apparent that our nursing journey was ending, but now I'm just happy that it happened so nicely, and proud of my growing girl!

An Open Letter to Grandparents who Wonder Why Their Grandkids are being Raised Differently

Dear Mom and Dad,
We see it, you kow. The exasperated look you get when we ask you to do things differently with your grandchildren than you did with us. We see the pain in your eyes even as we give our reasons for why we make different choices than you did. We don't mean to hurt you. You have to know that upfront. Just because we decide to do things differently than you did, it does not mean that we are judging what you did as "wrong." We are just trying to do what we think is right based on the research we have done. We all understand that we survived and thrived with your parenting choices. We give you credit for all the love and care you took in raising us. We understand that you did the best you could with us and that you only wanted our lives to be better than the ones you had. It's because we share this same dream for our children (your grandchildren) that we are striving to do the best we can, too. Sometimes, that means making choices that you didn't make, approaching food or discipline/consequences in a way you didn't, and making different medical or bottlefeeding/breastfeeding choices than you did. None of these differences are even about you; they are more about us. In fact, it is because you did such a good job of teaching us to be ourselves that we are making different parenting choices.

(I'm going to say this like I'm an authority which is laughable because I've only been parenting for almost four years now, but . . . ) The relationships between parents and children, probably more than any other relationships, except maybe romantic relationships/partnerships, are all varied and unique. No two are completely alike and so much of them are based on who you are and who you want to be and who the child is and who s/he wants to be that it would be impossible for us to be exactly like you even if we tried! In short, you parent as you are. Just like you know us and can read our facial expressions like a book (and we can read you!), we can read our children and our children read us. As much as they are "like" us; they are not "us" and they have different needs that we are trying our best to address. You taught us to trust our instincts and to know how to build strong relationships with those we love and we are just using those skills! Our individual choices in how to build those relationships may be different from the choices you made, but we are just transferring, transforming, and building upon the lessons you taught us.

You also did an amazing job teaching us not only to recognize who we are, but also who we want to be. I know that my parenting choices are just as much about who I am as who I want to be. I don't like who I am and what it does to my relationship with my child to be yelling, screaming, and losing my temper all the time. That's why we try so hard to talk through what we are feeling. We each have a dream of being a person who can remain calm in nearly any circumstance and who doesn't lose our tempers even in the face of our children losing theirs. Maybe that means that we overwhelm our children with too many words and choices too early, maybe that means that we don't always make the right choices ourselves, and maybe that means that we sometimes exasperate both our children and you, but it also means that we are learning and practicing. Just as you supported our dreams of being a ballerina/firefighter/detective/actor/superhero/writer/zoo-keeper/rock star/professional athelete, we need you to support our dream of the parent we want to be. It's important to us, way more important than any choice of career could be, because we see how much our relationships with you matter to us and have always mattered to us.

I'm going to let you in on a secret, now, that is not really a secret. We still look up to you and want to be the kind of people you can be proud of. We still crave your support. Think of the parenting phase of our lives as just one more "phase" that you are raising us through. It's another example of us going through a transition of growing and learning, but unlike many of the earlier phases, this is a phase where we need your support and your distance simultaneously. When we make mistakes, we know it and we will fix them when we know we need to. Our children are very good at letting us know when we need to readjust boundaries. (Sound familiar?) So, even if you think you see disaster coming, you have to let us disccover it on our own. Parenting our own children is a little like learning to walk was; I know you want to save us from falling, but it's only through falling that we will learn our balance and, sometimes, we just might surprise you by not falling at all. We only ask that you listen when our hearts are breaking and you try to do what you can to provide consistancy for our children. This may mean doing things that may seem unfamiliar or uncomfortable for you. Please understand that we are not trying to "push your limits or your buttons" any more than we were trying to do it when we were children ourselves. We are just trying to understand our own.

When it comes down to it, individual choices like when to administer medication, vaccinations vs. natural immunity, cloth diapering vs. paper diapering, time outs vs. time ins, what constitutes good snack foods or a healthy diet, baby wearing vs. using swings, co-sleeping vs. crib sleeping etc. are all pretty small differences that just FEEL big. At the root of every parenting choice you made and every choice we make is love: our love of ourselves, our love of our children, and our love of our parents. That love doesn't change from generation to generation. We are only trying to do the best we can just as you did the best you can. We respect that about the way you parented us. We only ask that you respect that about how we parent out kids.

With all due respect and love,
Your Weird Choice Making Kids who now Have Kids of their Own

P.S. If it helps, please know that more often than we care to admit to you, we do parent just like you, and, often, we don't mind the resemblance.