An Open Letter to Grandparents who Wonder Why Their Grandkids are being Raised Differently

Dear Mom and Dad,
We see it, you kow. The exasperated look you get when we ask you to do things differently with your grandchildren than you did with us. We see the pain in your eyes even as we give our reasons for why we make different choices than you did. We don't mean to hurt you. You have to know that upfront. Just because we decide to do things differently than you did, it does not mean that we are judging what you did as "wrong." We are just trying to do what we think is right based on the research we have done. We all understand that we survived and thrived with your parenting choices. We give you credit for all the love and care you took in raising us. We understand that you did the best you could with us and that you only wanted our lives to be better than the ones you had. It's because we share this same dream for our children (your grandchildren) that we are striving to do the best we can, too. Sometimes, that means making choices that you didn't make, approaching food or discipline/consequences in a way you didn't, and making different medical or bottlefeeding/breastfeeding choices than you did. None of these differences are even about you; they are more about us. In fact, it is because you did such a good job of teaching us to be ourselves that we are making different parenting choices.

(I'm going to say this like I'm an authority which is laughable because I've only been parenting for almost four years now, but . . . ) The relationships between parents and children, probably more than any other relationships, except maybe romantic relationships/partnerships, are all varied and unique. No two are completely alike and so much of them are based on who you are and who you want to be and who the child is and who s/he wants to be that it would be impossible for us to be exactly like you even if we tried! In short, you parent as you are. Just like you know us and can read our facial expressions like a book (and we can read you!), we can read our children and our children read us. As much as they are "like" us; they are not "us" and they have different needs that we are trying our best to address. You taught us to trust our instincts and to know how to build strong relationships with those we love and we are just using those skills! Our individual choices in how to build those relationships may be different from the choices you made, but we are just transferring, transforming, and building upon the lessons you taught us.

You also did an amazing job teaching us not only to recognize who we are, but also who we want to be. I know that my parenting choices are just as much about who I am as who I want to be. I don't like who I am and what it does to my relationship with my child to be yelling, screaming, and losing my temper all the time. That's why we try so hard to talk through what we are feeling. We each have a dream of being a person who can remain calm in nearly any circumstance and who doesn't lose our tempers even in the face of our children losing theirs. Maybe that means that we overwhelm our children with too many words and choices too early, maybe that means that we don't always make the right choices ourselves, and maybe that means that we sometimes exasperate both our children and you, but it also means that we are learning and practicing. Just as you supported our dreams of being a ballerina/firefighter/detective/actor/superhero/writer/zoo-keeper/rock star/professional athelete, we need you to support our dream of the parent we want to be. It's important to us, way more important than any choice of career could be, because we see how much our relationships with you matter to us and have always mattered to us.

I'm going to let you in on a secret, now, that is not really a secret. We still look up to you and want to be the kind of people you can be proud of. We still crave your support. Think of the parenting phase of our lives as just one more "phase" that you are raising us through. It's another example of us going through a transition of growing and learning, but unlike many of the earlier phases, this is a phase where we need your support and your distance simultaneously. When we make mistakes, we know it and we will fix them when we know we need to. Our children are very good at letting us know when we need to readjust boundaries. (Sound familiar?) So, even if you think you see disaster coming, you have to let us disccover it on our own. Parenting our own children is a little like learning to walk was; I know you want to save us from falling, but it's only through falling that we will learn our balance and, sometimes, we just might surprise you by not falling at all. We only ask that you listen when our hearts are breaking and you try to do what you can to provide consistancy for our children. This may mean doing things that may seem unfamiliar or uncomfortable for you. Please understand that we are not trying to "push your limits or your buttons" any more than we were trying to do it when we were children ourselves. We are just trying to understand our own.

When it comes down to it, individual choices like when to administer medication, vaccinations vs. natural immunity, cloth diapering vs. paper diapering, time outs vs. time ins, what constitutes good snack foods or a healthy diet, baby wearing vs. using swings, co-sleeping vs. crib sleeping etc. are all pretty small differences that just FEEL big. At the root of every parenting choice you made and every choice we make is love: our love of ourselves, our love of our children, and our love of our parents. That love doesn't change from generation to generation. We are only trying to do the best we can just as you did the best you can. We respect that about the way you parented us. We only ask that you respect that about how we parent out kids.

With all due respect and love,
Your Weird Choice Making Kids who now Have Kids of their Own

P.S. If it helps, please know that more often than we care to admit to you, we do parent just like you, and, often, we don't mind the resemblance.

"Whatcha Need to Know?" Wednesdays

I'm hoping that as I get to know more of you and more comments are posted, Wednesdays at The Connected Mom will be devoted to addressing issues that you have questions about. Please feel free to email me at ConnectedMomCarmen@gmail.com or comment below any of my posts. Saturdays will be for the 'light' stuff (inspiring stories, giveaways, etc.). :o)

This week, I'm coming to you for help. What I need to know is about grieving and breastfeeding. I want to hear from you about how you handled loss, breastfeeding, and attachment parenting while grieving a loss.

I know that stress can cause your milk supply to drop; did you dip into a freezer stash or take supplements to counteract the potential drop?

What about the way you parent? Holding your children closer than ever would seem the natural course of things, but I imagine it's not easy to do when you have those moments of simply wanting to pull away from everything. Having a preschooler who may not fully understand the reality of what is happening will provide unique challenges as well.

Today's role reversal is because I'm facing this very situation. My grandfather is 88 years old and was placed on hospice right before Killian was born in January. He had two goals-- to see Killian and to make it long enough to celebrate their 50th anniversary with my grandma. Well, he was here when Killian came home (we stopped at their house on the way to ours).

He's the "Joseph" in Killian Joseph Merritt B. He not only made it long enough to meet Killian, but has gotten to enjoy him as well.

Growing up, my grandpa & I always had a special bond. He owned a sewing machine shop & I was his 'apprentice'-- complete with pink business cards. We'd walk to the 7-11 around the corner every day at lunch and he'd buy me snowballs. He would order my hotcakes every Sunday morning before church when we went to McDonald's, make sure they were 'perfectly golden', slather them with butter, pour on the syrup, and cut them to my liking. (Yeah, I was a *little* spoiled.) He gave my first 'boyfriend' a quarter a week to save up for my wedding ring; in preschool that was big money! I'd snuggle up to him in worship service, and when I was really little he was affectionately referred to as my 'water bed'. He taught me how to skip when I thought I'd fail kindergarten if I didn't learn. He taught me how to break down a sewing machine, clean it up with Fantastik and make it sparkle like new.

Me & Grandpa 1983

He taught me what unconditional love really means. In my eyes, he can do no wrong. For some girls, that person is their daddy. Unfortunately, the bad choices my father made are far too many to get into on here. The first time my dad was incarcerated, my grandpa asked me if I wanted my daddy home. When I told him I did, with all the wisdom of a 2 year old and no clue what the next 15 years would bring, my grandpa fought tooth & nail to make sure I got what I asked for. He and my grandma helped my mom with me when I was little; when I was 20 I lived with them for a few years, and they helped me with my first daughter as well. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding.


This Tuesday, September 14, is my grandparent's 50th anniversary.


This weekend I had to let my 8 year old know that she might not be back from her dad's house before Grandpa passes away. I'd briefly spoken to her about him getting worse, and of course she has seen it. I've never lived more than 15 minutes away from them, so she sees them often. I've never had to deal with death like this (someone so close & having to tell a child this young). Marley (3.5 years) is just old enough to miss him, but too young to understand the permanence of what it about to happen. It tears my heart out that she and Killian won't really have any memories of him.

How in the world do you go through this and remain 'attached'? Is that what keeps you going? I nursed through an 'early' miscarriage, but this seems to be on a whole other level compared to that. I've always begged my grandpa to stay for the next thing.... I know that won't work this time. I can't imagine the breath that will come after I know that he has passed. I worry that I should pump and freeze some milk or take some Fenugreek as a preemptive move, but I'd really like to hear from others who have experience with this.

Me & Grandpa 2006
...is my expression not the worst!? ;o)