Reading List: Pregnancy and Birth

I spent more money than I care to admit on parenting how-to books as a new mom. I wanted to be sure I was doing everything "right," and, in spite of my own mother's advice ("Throw those books away and listen to your baby!") spent many a late night devouring everything I could.

I don't like parenting how-to and advice books much these days. First because every child truly is different (and I have three now, and can actually say that with some degree of certainty!) and so what works for one will not work for another. Second, because the only "expert" on my child is me. And third, and probably most important, most of those how-to books set us up to fail. Many of these well meaning advisors tell you that if you do A, you will achieve B, and when that doesn't happen, we blame ourselves, or worse, sometimes our children.

I do, however, love to read books about pregnancy, birth, parenting, and mothering, especially those written by parents and mothers who also happen to be authors. I'd like to share some titles that I've loved especially, so this is the first post in a series of three titled, Reading List: Pregnancy and Birth. I hope you will enjoy some of these books as much as I have and I'd love to hear from you if you have any titles to add.

1. A Child is Born. Just an extraordinary collection of pictures. There's a lot of information in there, too, if you're a bit of a pregnancy junkie. If you've experienced a pregnancy loss, some of the images in the book may be difficult to look at--so please keep that in mind.

2. Belly Laughs: The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth. Whether you like Jenny McCarthy or not, whether you agree with her stance on vaccines and autism or not, this book is hysterical. I laughed out loud constantly and it was a great distraction when pregnancy seemed to last forever.

3. Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. A fantastic choice if you're considering natural birth or want to learn more about it. (I cringe a bit at the word "Guide," as I don't think anyone can really guide you to give birth, but it's still chock full of important and useful information.)

4. Your Best Birth. Written by Abby Epstein and Ricki Lake, this is a great read if you're interested in knowing your choices about prenatal care and birth in the US (and who isn't?!). It sheds light on many aspects of maternity care and childirth in the US.

5. Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care. The title sounds a little scary, but this is a good book if you're planning to give birth in a hospital and want it to be drug free and natural. Some of the wording can sound a bit alarmist, so take it with a grain of salt and remember that YOU are your best advocate, and education is key.

6. Evidence of Harm: Mercury in Vaccines and the Autism Epidemic: A Medical Controversy. A must, must, MUST read if you are questioning vaccinations. I can't say enough how much this book changed my outlook and opened my eyes to so many different aspects of the vaccination debate. I will never look at government, pharmaceutical companies, and the medical establishment the same again.

7. What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Children's Vaccinations. I wish the author would publish an updated version of this book. It's got great information but some of it is slightly outdated. That said, I learned a great deal about how vaccines are made, the ingredients, possible adverse effects, and manufacturing issues.

8. The Vaccine Book: Making the Right Decision for Your Child (Sears Parenting Library). By far the best and most comprehensive guide to vaccinations today. Dr. Sears is intelligent, objective, and remains respectful of parents' choices. There are also a few alternate vaccination schedules, one of which our family follows, which are invaluable.

All of these titles are available on Amazon.com. Happy reading!

How Our Homebirth Saved Christmas

Growing up, Christmas was my favorite holiday. My family, thankfully, never emphasized the commercial aspect. We simply enjoyed spending time together and exchanging heartfelt gifts. Since I got married, the holidays have been increasingly stressful. With double the family, our time is spent rushing hurriedly from one gathering to another, staying for long enough to make an appearance. Adding kids to the mix made it increasingly difficult. The stress was hard on the kids, and I felt guilty for putting them through the ringer each year. I had come to dread the entire month of December. This year, I received a special gift--one that caused me to slow down and reconsider what's really important.

On Christmas day, I was 36 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I woke up feeling a little pressure down low, but didn't think anything of it. I am a firm believer in letting a baby come when he's ready, and had bookmarked a link about why at least 39 weeks of pregnancy is better for baby. I planned to share it when people started asking, "Have you had that baby yet?!" By about 10 that morning, I knew that I would have no need to share it. It took a few more hours to convince myself and my labor support that this was the real deal.

By 10, I was having regular contractions--about 3-5 minutes apart--but I could talk through them. I have had pretty regular Braxton-Hicks contractions in the past, and I certainly didn't want to birth my baby so early. Plus, I didn't want to disrupt anyone's Christmas unless I was completely sure. We decided that I would rest on my side for a while and see if things continued to progress. My husband took the kids out visiting. This slowed my contractions to between 5 and 7 minutes apart. They stayed that way as long as I didn't get up. By around 6 in the evening, the family had finished their visiting and my parents were free to take our three older kids to their house.

That's when I got vertical. Anyone who tries to tell you that position is not important during labor is wrong! Assisted by gravity, my contractions went from somewhat painful and 3 or 4 minutes apart to almost unbearable and 2 minutes apart. I slumped over the birthing ball some, sat on it some, swayed and rocked a lot, and paced back and forth to the toilet over and over again. Nothing seemed to work for comfort. I decided to soak in the tub for a while to help relieve the pain. It slowed things down again, but they soon picked back up and then, whoah, did they pick up! After a day of questioning myself, I finally felt sure that I was in active labor. We called our midwife and asked her to come.

Our midwife arrived around 7:30 and determined that I was 4-5 centimeters dilated. She gave me about 30 minutes alone with my husband to work through labor, but by that point, I did not feel there was any working through it. I did not want him to touch me, and I could not hold still. Then again, it hurt too much to move. I had been through transition before, and this was it. How did I ever go through this lying in bed or strapped into a car seat? After 45 minutes or less, I was pretty sure I felt ready to push, and asked him bring the midwife into the bathroom. "Are you sure?" he asked. That's when I yelled at him (sorry, babe!). After a long day of self-doubt, I was over being questioned. I was ready!

After hearing me yell, the midwife was as sure as I was. She went straight to our bedroom and prepared for the delivery. I wanted to try squatting on a birthing stool, but it hurt too much, and I ended up lying on my side instead. I decided to try a push or two, after which my water broke. Suddenly, the pain subsided and my body could do nothing but push. It was beyond my conscious control. As our midwife turned around to ready her supplies, my husband saw our baby's head emerge and jumped quickly to catch it. Two pushes later, my youngest son was born into my husband's hands on Christmas night, right there in our own bedroom. Shortly after, we were cleaned up and snuggled into our own cozy bed.

I truly believe that our homebirth made a positive difference. The whole birth experience was so peaceful and free from drama. So far, I have seen this reflected in my little guy's calm demeanor and in my own easy recovery. It even seems to have cast a peace over the household. Best of all, my Christmas baby has turned the holiday around for me. From now on, the stress of the holidays will be overshadowed by the memory of this special Christmas night. I will remember cuddling my 8-pound bundle of hope and looking forward to the promise that his new life represents. He reminds me that what is at the very heart of Christmas--and of life itself--is love. When a child is welcomed into the world surrounded by love, he can grow to spread that love to family, friends, and maybe even to all mankind. I can't think of a better way to give him that start.

The Benefits of Massage During Labor

I have never had a Cesarean so while I can't share in the Cesarean Awareness Month personally, I can attest to the benefits of massage during labor. I believe massage during labor shortened the duration of my last two deliveries and definitely helped me deal with the pain. Perhaps this information will save at least one woman from enduring an unnecessary Cesarean.

During my labor with Madilyn, one of my very best friends attended the birth to help me deal with the pain. She is a Licensed Massage Therapist who owns her very own Massage studio where she and her colleagues specialize in Therapeutic Massage. She arrived at the hospital before my labor began (I was induced). Once in the throes of labor though, her touch was so strong and steady that the pain of each contraction was greatly diminished. She eased my contracting muscles and knew all the right places to touch to alleviate the pains in my uterus. It amazed me then as much as it amazes me now that her touch on my lower back helped ease pain in my pelvic region. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Imagine having a horrendous headache then falling down a few stairs in your house, bumping your funny bone on the way down. You’re not thinking about your headache anymore, you’re thinking about your funny bone’s aching and shooting pain up and down your arm.

The same is true during labor. Heating pads, therapeutic touch, and proper positioning can help with pain during labor, resulting in a natural, drug-free experience that is surprisingly devoid of intense pain. The reason that massage during labor is so effective at reducing pain, is due to the “Gate Control Theory”. This theory is based on research that your brain can only process so many signals at one time. Add two or more sensory aids to labor, and pain is greatly reduced.

Research suggests that massage during the early stages of labor helps a laboring woman save her energy for the more difficult active labor. The stress hormone, Adrenaline has been shown to reduce the effectiveness of Oxytocin, the hormone that causes labor to begin and progress. When massage is employed during labor, adrenaline is greatly reduced and Oxytocin is able to flow, causing labor to progress naturally and quickly.

It is no secret that massage loosens muscles. The same is true during labor. Massage loosens the pelvis, allowing it to open up in anticipation of the baby descending into the birth canal. It can also reduce the severity of contractions. While still having contractions, the pain is greatly reduced, allowing your uterus to relax naturally which aids in a much quicker labor. My own massage during labor experiences resulted in a 75 minute labor and a 55 minute labor (this is no exaggeration, and these figures are from first contraction to birth) where my uterus did ALL of the work of pushing my children out of the birth canal. I didn’t have to actively push one single time. I fully believe it was partially because of the massage I received while in labor. My uterus was relaxed and free to do what it was meant to do.

I know of many women who plan on having a drug-free birth but then are unable to withstand the pain of labor. I fully believe that if these women had employed alternate methods of dealing with pain such as massage, heat, water, or a change of position, they would have successfully been able to deliver without medical aids.

Epidurals not only slow labor in a woman who is laboring normally without problems such as high blood pressure, they pose significant risks to mother and child. While I respect every woman’s right to choose the way that she gives birth, I think women often jump too quickly at an epidural before allowing their bodies to prove that they can not only handle the pain of childbirth, but that they can work more effectively without pain medication.

Along with massage during labor, I employed The Mongan Method of Hyphobirthing. This method utilizes deep breathing and visualization of your uterus as a ribbon, loosening (not tightening) during each “contraction”, or surge. Fear of pain actually does a disservice to laboring women. It causes your muscles to tense up which is completely counterproductive to what your uterus is ultimately trying to achieve. When you focus on something other than the pain, your uterus is able to relax and not only is pain reduced but labor is allowed to progress quickly. Add massage to the breathing and visualization and your body is even that much more prepared to work properly, more efficiently, and less painfully.

Add this to your arsenal when trying to decide on whether or not to endure a pain medication free labor. It really isn’t that bad, especially when you arm yourself with knowledge and practice breathing and visualization beforehand. There really are techniques out there that help ease pain naturally. You CAN DO IT, MAMA!

Homebirth Hypocrisy

As I was driving down the road today, I literally had to pull over to change my facebook status after being hit by something so obvious I just had to blurt it out.

After going through the past months with my grandpa, and as I have witnessed a few times in my life, I have come to realize something...

When a person chooses to remain at home to see an end to their days and die at home, they are not only allowed to do so, but are given assistance by a nursing service to maintain their dignity and privacy during this time. Hospice will send nurses or assistants to check in on the person and the family is even given a kit with various 'just in case' items, such as morphine, to ease the transition at the end if necessary. You're given a number to call, and at times a box with a button that will simply connect you directly to a skilled person who can assist you. Everyone speaks so kindly about you being at home, where it's 'comfortable' and you can be 'surrounded by loved ones'. Being put on hospice as opposed to being placed in a nursing home is viewed as a wonderful thing... no need for intervention.. this is a normal part of life.

However....

Signs I missed That My Practitioner Would Not Support A Natural Birth

It’s been eleven months and two and a half weeks since I gave birth to my son Oliver. Almost a year now and I am still not able to talk about my birthing experience in any detail. To say I was disappointed with my birthing experience is a gross understatement, and as the months go by and I start to open up about that experience more and more I am coming to realize that I am not the only one.

I have read a lot in the past year about the business of birth; about the rising cesarean rate, about women being refused their right to informed consent, doctors and nurses who do not take a woman’s autonomy seriously, women who have their children taken from them for refusing to allow that autonomy to be ignored. and about women who's birth experiences go far beyond disappointment and trauma. It seems to me that what should be one of the greatest days of a woman’s life is too often a nightmare. I was vaguely aware that stories like these existed before I had Oliver, but I am realizing that I was not really as equipped as I could have been to prevent it happening to me.

I am still not ready to talk about my birthing experience in detail. But nearly a year later I have begun to look back at the months leading up to that experience. Hind sight being 20/20 I have come to realize that there are quite a few signs I missed that my OBGYN and I were not on the same page, or even reading the same book, when it came to my labour and birth. I am sharing these flags in no particular order, and hope that it may help others to accurately gage whether the practitioner they are choosing is right for them.

1) When I stated my intention to breastfeed and informed my practitioner that I would like to forgo an epidural to ensure my child and I were alert and healthy enough to do so immediately following birth I was told by my practitioner that an epidural, or even the type of birth I had would not have any effect on breastfeeding.

Despite all of the reading I had done about breastfeeding from a number of valid sources that said otherwise, I believed what my doctor said to be true. After all, he was a doctor right? What I did not realize at the time was that my practitioner was either ignorant to or lying about the risks and side effects of the epidural and other interventions.

2) At one point, I asked my practitioner what his cesarean rate was in an effort to gage the likelihood that he would intervene unnecessarily in my labour and birth. Looking back I now realize that he never did give me a straight forward answer, but instead told me: “I don’t want you to have a C-Section, because then I wouldn’t get to deliver your next baby.” This answer was comforting to me then, it made me trust him, made me think that he and I were on the same team and that we wanted the same things.

But, as any woman who has ever had or planned to have a VBAC or HBAC knows, this answer was probably the worst one my practitioner could have given me. The fact that my practitioner was either unaware of or did not believe that vaginal birth after cesarean section was an option, despite mounting evidence and changing perceptions in the medical community, should have made it glaringly obvious to me that my practitioner would be making decisions based in myth and tradition and would not be providing me with evidence based care.

3) When I first heard of a Doula I had no idea what a Doula was for, so I asked my practitioner. “You don’t need one” he said “That’s what your husband is for”. I should have laughed in his face, instead what happened was my husband turned to me and said “I’ll be there for you honey, you can trust me to take care of you”.

I really do trust my husband to take care of me, and when it came time he did the absolute best that he knew how. But here’s the thing about relying on your partner to act as a doula: Not only does your partner likely have the exact same amount of knowledge and experience with labour and birth as you do, it’s also incredibly unfair. Chances are the birth of your child will be just as emotional, overwhelming, and life changing for your partner as it will be for you, you cannot expect them to give you calm and rational advise 100% of the time, and you cannot expect them to know how to help you in every situation that could arise, especially if anything goes wrong, they will not be capable of providing a calm, and rational opinion for you.

My practitioner was either relying on those facts to make sure he wasn’t questioned or stood up to in the delivery room, or he really didn’t understand the roll of a doula. Any practitioner who downplays or doesn’t understand the roll of a doula, or worse isn’t willing to work with one, is likely not interested in giving you the birth you want.

4) As my due date drew closer and closer and I started to get more and more nervous about giving birth I wrote myself a birth plan. It was a large print colour coordinated spreadsheet with very clear wording about what I did and did not consent to during my labour and birth. My practitioner never once used the word “birth plan”, he called it a “wish list” and told me to keep an open mind and be flexible just in case something went wrong.

I am sure now that he didn’t even look at let alone the laminated copy we gave him to put in my file. I know this because when the labour and delivery nurses called him to tell him that I was at the hospital and in active labour he told them to offer me an epidural, despite the fact that my birth plan stated in bold red letters on the very front page not to actively offer me pain relief and that I would ask for it if I wanted it.

A birth plan is so very much more than a wish list, and the fact that my practitioner was not interested in what *I* wanted or what *I* would or would not consent to should have been the biggest warning sign of them all. It should have been obvious to me from that moment that this man had no intention of respecting my autonomy when I went into labour.

I am not sure why I didn’t see these signs for what they were when I was pregnant and preparing for birth. It takes a great amount of effort not to blame myself for the way my birthing experience turned out because I didn’t notice these things.

Maybe I went into it a little over confident in my own strength without really appreciating what it would mean to give birth. I truly did believe that it didn’t matter what my doctor wanted, that I could just say ‘no’ to anything I didn’t want, even if I were scared, vulnerable and overwhelmed. Maybe I was unable to see these signs, or somehow chose not to see, or repressed them because of all the stress and anxiety I was already feeling.

At the very least I know now what I need to look for in a practitioner when we decide to have another baby. I will know next time that the practitioner you choose does have a very large part to play in the kind of experience you come away with, and that pure stubbornness isn’t enough to rely on.

I still struggle very much with how the birth of my son played out. I imagine it will take me a very long time to work through the self blame, and the anger, and the sadness and disappointment, but I do look forward to the next time. I feel as though I have learned a great many lessons from that experience. Not only about the kind of practitioners I want to help me the next time, but about the things I want to get out of my birthing experience and my own strengths and vulnerabilities. I cannot change the birth I have already had, but I feel very hopeful about the next one, whenever that may be.