Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Loving Yourself

I have been having a really hard time since just before Easter.  We lost our fifth baby the beginning of April, our sixth baby on Mother's Day, I had an anniversary of one of our losses, and the year anniversary of my biggest and most heartbreaking loss is coming towards me at lightning speed.  I had a complete meltdown just thinking about it.

I have made some amazing friends, some incredible people have stood by me no matter how angry I have gotten and how much I have cursed.

On a particularly bad night, one of my newer friends told me that I need to stop feeling guilty and just love myself.  I couldn't be a superhero, I couldn't always be okay.  That I'm human, and sometimes, even though I don't try to, I treat myself worse than I would any other person.

She asked me how I treat other people when they are feeling down; if I treated them with the same anger and hostility that I was treating myself.

Instantly, things looked clearer.

I like to think I am a good shoulder to lean on, to cry to.  If my friends have problems, I try to help as best I can.  I realized I don't do that for myself.

I have been so caught up in my anger that I hadn't realized what it was doing to me.  I have become bitter.  I barely recognize myself anymore.

I don't love myself like I used to.

My new goal is to write one thing every day that I love about myself.  It could be something as simple as waking up when the alarm went off or making something great for breakfast/lunch/dinner.  But this is what I need to learn to love myself again.

Sometimes you just need a reminder to truly love the person you are.

How are you showing that you love yourself today?


SummerLen said... [Reply to comment]

Kayce, this is so true. Once becoming a wife and/or mother, it is difficult to remember that we are still Just us. Life throws things at us that might cause us to stumble but we have to remember that we aren't perfect, we never will be, and that it's completely okay. BIG hugs to you for what you have been through. I'm glad that you are going to work on loving yourself more. For if you can't love yourself, how then can you love others?

E Small said... [Reply to comment]

Kayce, I just recently found this site from a friend and have had two m/c losses. I am so sorry for your losses and thank you for sharing. Loving ourselves definitley gets harder after losses, it has for me too, and this post was a great reminder. Thank you.

Tara said... [Reply to comment]

Beautiful post and always good to hear for mothers everywhere! I'm sorry for your losses too, and appreciate you sharing and using it as a way to remind us all that compassion for ourselves is just as - if not more so -necessary as it is for other people. And just because you're angry doesn't mean anything about the quality of person that you are - it's just part of the process. (I also find when I'm the most angry it's because I'm the most hurt and have a ton of grief). I disagree with the comment that we're not perfect. I think instead we need to reinvent the notion of perfection and maybe consider that we are perfect - as we are, and whatever that looks like. How else do we teach our children about the beauty of authenticity?

Kayce Pearson said... [Reply to comment]

@SummerLen Exactly :D

@ESmall I am so sorry for your losses hun :( I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

@Tara, Very good point with the perfection idea. I do like the idea of reinventing perfection to fit ourselves. We are perfect how we are, though I think perfection for ourselves always comes with work to make ourselves better. Not in how we look but how we feel, how we connect to the world, if that makes sense.

flowers said... [Reply to comment]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry for your losses.

I think you have a really smart friend. In the end, no matter what's going on choosing to spread a little love (liberally on ourselves) is the best heal all.

Tara said... [Reply to comment]

I agree - in my book perfect means perfectly growing and evolving. My dad always said you'll know when you're done growing if you're dead. Until then, you still have to things to learn, experiences to have, and ways to grow. I see no reason why our reinvented perfect can't include something along those lines!

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