Where Have All The Kids Gone?

When I was a kid I spent a LOT of time outside. We lived in the city, first in a neighbourhood that wasn’t exactly your ideal white-picket-fence-attached-garage kind of affair, then in a neighbourhood that was neither good nor terribly bad, then later in a really nice quiet one. But that doesn’t really matter. No matter where we lived I spent a LOT of time outside doing whatever I felt like doing in a completely undirected manner.

When my husband was a kid he spent what sounds like ALL of his time outside. He and his family lived in a good neighbourhood with lots of kids through his entire childhood and owned a cabin where they spent most of their summers. No matter where they were he spent nearly ALL of his time outside. He fished, rode his bike, helped his dad do work on the property and just generally milled about.

Neither my husband nor I spent this time outdoors completely alone. We spent it with other kids in the neighbourhood. We got up in the morning, hastily gobbled our breakfast then made a break for it to see who was already out. If no one was out we would start knocking on doors. Last week we went on a little walking tour of my husband’s old neighbourhood and thirty years later he can still remember which kids lived in which house and who had the fastest bike or the best stocked snack cupboard. I could probably do the same in my old neighborhoods as well.

When we found out I was pregnant with my son, Oliver, and were looking for a place to live we settled on an apartment close to parks and schools in a neighbourhood where many young families were living. Not because it is a particularly nice apartment, but because our old apartment (which was way nicer) was home to mostly young childless hipsters and backed onto a hospital parking lot. Not exactly a great place for our child to roam free and make friends. But as Oliver gets bigger and our wandering range grows with him I am starting to realize that making friends with the kids in this neighbourhood isn’t going to be as easy for him as I would have thought.

Oliver and I walk everyday, rain, snow, or shine. We meander along at toddler pace looking at rocks and trees and animal footprints; we have several different routs all of which lead through quiet cul-de-sacs, school yards, and public parks. We have been doing this since last summer, over six months, and we have yet to meet any of the kids who live around here. We see evidence of children; snowy footprints leading to and from school and giant family vehicles full of booster seats sitting in drive ways, but we never actually see any children. No street hockey, no bikes, no swing races, no secret forts, nothing.

Where are all the kids?

This question keeps me awake at night, because more than being kind of disappointed that my son hasn’t made any friends in the neighbourhood yet I wonder what this next generation of kids who don’t play outside is going to be like when they are running the show. Surely a generation completely disconnected from the outdoors doesn’t bode well for the health of the environment. A generation of children raised in front of screens and the media onslaught that goes with them can’t be healthy, can they? Can a generation of children who know only the competition of organized sports and not the quiet synchronicity of nature be able to embrace peace and care for their communities? What happens when a generation of kids who have never spent a single moment without adult management and supervision are suddenly in charge of the nursing home I end up in?

Even more I wonder WHY these kids aren’t outside.

The answer cannot be as simple as ‘video games’. I will concede that kid directed media is part of the issue but I am also going to point out that kids with video games also have parents, and I would hope that at least some of those parents don’t allow their kids to spend ALL of their time in front of their games.

I don’t even think the blame is in organized activities. There is definitely a trend towards over scheduling kids these days but I find it hard to believe that every single child in my neighbourhood is completely booked up with extra-curricular activities every single day of the week.   

It could be homework. I was absolutely shocked when my niece, now 10, brought homework with her to stay with me over a weekend when she was only 7. She goes to a public school for six hours a day during which she was expected to sit still and concentrate, and then they wanted her to do even more busy work on the weekend!? What a total crock! But for every kid that does this homework there has to be a number who blow it off and do their own thing anyways right? I certainly hope so.

To be completely honest though, I think all of these things are symptoms of the same problem. People like their kids to have homework and organized sports and video games because it makes them easy to supervise. The reason everyone wants their kids to be easy to supervise is fear.

Fear of the ‘stranger danger’ boogey man. Fear of loss or injury. Fear of looking like a bad parent; of the parenting police coming to take your children away if you make choices that are not in the main stream. Fear of screwing up your kids. Fear of losing control.

Maybe some of these fears are valid concerns, I am not suggesting that we simply stop caring about the well being of our children, but I am suggesting that constantly supervising and micromanaging their activities is maybe not the best way to go about alleviating those fears.

I am suggesting that we need to teach our children to make good choices and then trust them to do that even when we’re not around to make sure they do, we need to think about the life lessons our children are missing out on when they don’t get to roam free and make connections with other kids (without your help), we need to ignore the sanctimonious glares of less confident parents at play group and make empowered decisions for our own families. We need to throw open the kitchen door and tell our kids to get off their butts, make their own fun, and not come back until the street lights come on unless they have a problem.

While my own son is admittedly not at this stage yet I am already finding ways for him to explore his independence. I let him trail behind or run ahead a ways when we are out walking, I don’t insert myself in his play unless he asks me to and I make a lot of room in our lives for free play at home and out of doors, I let him get hurt sometimes, I give him space to do things for himself, and when a fenced yard is available to us (we don’t have one of our own unfortunately) I let him play with only intermittent supervision. But if you are still feeling unsure about allowing your child free play outside in your neighbourhood here are a few safety suggestions that may put your mind at ease:

1) Establish reasonable boundaries: Where a toddler or preschooler may be able to find hours upon hours worth of fun in a small fenced yard, older children may tire quite quickly of the same-old same-old and find themselves right back in front of the television in search of stimulation. I think it is important to let a child’s boundaries grow with them. An older child will want to break out of the yard and explore his home street, a year or two later walking known routs to parks or friend’s houses is perfectly reasonable, a preteen should be geographically adept enough not to get lost in a boundary of blocks and blocks. And your teenager, well once they learn to drive and realize they are independent people you pretty much don’t have a say anyways so unless you plan to chain them up in your basement you may feel better about them having practice being free-range before that particular milestone.

These boundaries depend a lot on your individual child, some six year olds are more responsible than others just as some adults are more responsible than others, but make sure you are giving your children enough opportunity to demonstrate their competence and that they understand and agree with their set boundaries.

2) Regular check-ins: If your child can read time give them a watch and ask them to come say ‘hi’ at set times throughout their time out doors or give them environmental cues like a local church bell or regular delivery service. If your child is not old enough to read time chances are they will be nearby anyways so you can always peak out the door or window occasionally to make sure they’re still playing happily.

3) Decide on a password: Have your child pick a special word that is just between you. If your child is approached by an adult (ANY adult. A stranger or someone they know.) have your child to ask for the password. If you have not OKayed that adult they will not know this secret word and your child should know to come and get you right away.  My password was ‘poopy diapers’ and it was so well established by my mother that I once refused to let my own father drive me home from school because that wasn’t our routine and he couldn’t remember mine and Mom’s password.

4) The buddy system: Two tiny heads are generally better than one. I can’t count the number of times I watched out for younger siblings and other kids, and my siblings and other kids from our neighbourhood looked out for me. If something does happen like a child is hurt or about to make a really poor personal safety decision there is another pair of legs to run home for help (or another voice to second the poor personal safety decision, but really, who didn’t twist their ankle or break an arm trying to fly from tree top to tree top as a kid!?).Either way, finding your kid a friend/side-kick can help alleviate a little anxiety you may have.

5) Be available: Just to be clear, while I think unsupervised child-directed time outdoors is a right of passage, I am by no means suggesting you say good riddance at the door. Your children need to know that you are there for them if they happen to have a problem and they need to have a safe place to come home to. In short you need to be available.

In my opinion the kind of free-range childhood that I am suggesting does not work without a strong parent-child attachment. If your child is going to be unwilling to tell you things because they don’t want to be punished, don’t feel they will be listened to, accepted, and loved unconditionally no matter what it leaves room for dangerous situations to go unreported and overlooked. If your child has been taught through common punitive forms of discipline that they have no power, or that right and wrong can be dictated to them by anyone bigger than they are, there is room for manipulation. I will even go as far as to suggest that without a strong attachment, spending a lot of time outside alone may feel to the child more like abandonment than freedom. I will also say that while unsupervised and undirected time to play is important, our children also like to spend time with us so if they ask you to play, be available.  

In whatever way you can, whether you are willing to try giving your kids unsupervised time outside or not. Just get your kids outside as much as you can because my outside loving child and I are getting kind of lonely out here! 

Congratulations! You're a Mother! Now What Do You Wear?

When I was pregnant with my first child, I encountered woman after woman who shook their heads at my belly and said, “You know, it never goes back.”

I didn’t believe them. I had three sisters-in-law and one cousin who all emerged from their pregnancies looking fit and phenomenal – in time of course. I too lost my pregnancy weight, and thanks to breastfeeding, I lost more weight than I gained in my pregnancy. But what caught me off guard was the time it took, and that it didn’t come off gradually at a steady pace, but in chunks. I wouldn’t lose a pound for 8 weeks then seemingly overnight I’d lose ten.

I discovered that while plenty of people talked about the process of losing pregnancy weight, they didn’t talk about what to wear while the weight came off, or that it would be stupid to buy clothes, when I would only be able to wear them for a month or two before they too would be too big. But you have to wear something, so it’s a bit of a catch-22.

My second child is seven months old. I have bought five pairs of pants in different sizes off the clearance racks. I’ve gone through three of them. I found a gorgeous pair of trousers at an after-Christmas sale on pure faith that they will fit at some point. They don’t yet, but I have hope. My favorite health practitioner told me that women shouldn’t even consider dieting until 9 months after giving birth. She said most women actually lose their weight from all the extra calories it takes to breastfeed, recover from labor, and mother their children. It’s why they say that it takes 9 months to gain the weight, so it takes 9 months to lose it. For some of us, it’s up to a year.

So, in theory, with the 9 months of pregnancy and the year to lose the weight after, some of us go almost two years before we’re reunited with our wardrobe. For some, it’s a short reunion, if they opt for the second child being close to the first.

Every few weeks or so, I go through my clothes and see which ones I can get away with. It’s tricky because just because you can zip a zipper shut doesn’t mean you should walk out of your bedroom wearing said item. Or some clothing items are no longer relevant to your mothering life. But there are items I couldn't wait to get back to. I spent my pregnancies missing my pencil skirts. I finally found one that fit, only to discover that now pencil skirts are essentially stupid to wear while mothering a child. I felt like a mermaid on land. I couldn’t move. A friend of mine confessed that since she became a mother, she could no longer wear or walk in heels. I laughed. Then last night, as I got dressed for my sister’s engagement party, I realized I couldn’t either. I slipped on my favorite heels and suddenly felt like I was on stilts. I was scared to descend stairs and knew I wouldn’t be able to carry my baby while I teetered downward. I considered sending my sister a note that said, “Can’t come because I can’t wear heels.” I wore my slightly heeled oxfords and added, “Practice heel wearing for sister’s wedding” to my to-do list. I went to put on a favorite dress, before I remembered that dresses are not breast feeding friendly. It didn’t fit anyway.

So what do I wear as a mother? Cute boots and shoes I can walk in that don’t make me feel frumpy. I wear trousers and skirts I can move in. I take the advice of a friend who told me, “After giving birth, it’s easy for your self-image to land in the gutter, so you need to wear things that make you feel good, things that make you like yourself when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. And above all else, have compassion for your body. Parenting changes us; it’s stupid to pretend that it doesn’t.”

Hey Society: Give Kids a Break!

Over the past few days, one dad's video has gone viral. Tommy Jordan shot nine bullets into his 15-year-old daughter, Hannah's laptop after she posted a "disrespectful" status about him on her Facebook wall. I have plenty of problems with this his "Facebook parenting," but since The Connected Mom is intended to be a positive, supportive environment, so I am going to restrain myself from ranting. (That's not to say I won't do it on my personal blog, wink-wink). If you have followed the comment threads on this video, you will be relieved to know that I'm not going to discuss who is more in the wrong or dissect the Jordans' family dynamic. Instead, I want to challenge a view that was frequently expressed in the comments: that today's kids are out of control and need more of this sort of harsh "discipline" to keep them in line.

Even if kids are more disrespectful now than those in the past, one must ask where they have learned this behavior. They didn't raise themselves. Nor were the majority of them raised by permissive parents. Some estimates indicate that as of 2008, as many as 85% of adolescents had been physically punished, and more than half of those had been hit with an object like a belt. No, Mr. Jordan does not use physical punishment in this video, but almost every negative comment about teens calls for spanking. The truth is, most kids are physically punished. If they are as bad as their critics would have us believe, then it follows that physical punishment isn't the solution.In fact, corporal punishment has been linked to the antisocial behaviors, which might include impulsiveness, lying, aggressiveness, and even breaking rules. In other words, physical discipline just might cause the very problems parents are trying to prevent.

So, if physical discipline is out, what is there? Here's a concept: treat your kids like people! If and adult friend posted something negative about you on the Internet, would you pop her laptop full of lead? Most likely not. You might get angry, but instead of using violence, you would tell her how you feel. You might also examine yourself to see if there are any truth to her words. If there were, you might even change accordingly. If you would do that for your friend, then doesn't your own child deserve the same courtesy? Instead of demanding respect, let's earn it by treating our kids respectfully. The results might just astound us!

Why I Hate MNO (and What I Do Instead)

When my first child was born, I joined a local moms' support group. One of the big things everyone kept going on and on about was Moms' Night Out and its importance for keeping mom sane, having fun, enjoying your time, saving the planet, and promoting world peace.

Okay, maybe not those last two. But . . .  they certainly made a huge deal about it.

So, when Agent E was three month old, I gave it a try. I came home (early) to a hysterical baby who wouldn't take a bottle and simply missed her mommy. This was early in my mothering and a lot of my parenting philosophy hadn't really come together for me yet. (More on that here.) I tried again two more times (over the course of the next couple of years). While the second attempt turned out okay (in that toddler E did fine with Dad and Momma didn't have a panic attack), I ended up coming home early from the third attempt to nurse baby Agent J. 

To sum: I did not have fun, I missed my baby as if a part of my own body were cut off, and I spent the entire evening uneasy.

Still, I listened to the voices that insisted I had to leave my baby, I had to teach her to get along without me, I had to do this for myself. This was great for moms and I needed it! Right? Why didn't this work for me? Why wasn't I looking forward to this? What was wrong with me?

Turns out, nothing. It's just not how I'm wired.

Not until I participated in a Bible study some time later did it finally hit me. A chapter in the book we used described introverts and extroverts in a way I had never heard. I always assumed that being an introvert meant you didn't like to be with people, and being an extrovert meant you did. It made perfect sense that I wasn't that into MNO as an introvert, but there was more to it. I don't dislike being with people. I enjoy family gatherings, small group discussions, meeting other moms at the park, and joining friends for coffee. However, that's not how I energize myself when I'm feeling low.

Being an introvert vs. an extrovert is more about how you refuel when you need to recharge your batteries. An a-ha moment for sure. Somehow I had managed to find myself in a group of extroverts who thrived on being able to go out once a month (or more) and let loose, have a few glasses of wine, and be part of a big group in a festive atmosphere. 

I, however, much prefer to go out during the day. I am not a night person. I absolutely hate leaving my babies at night. (Even my oldest "baby" who is now almost six.) I don't feel recharged; I feel on edge and restless. I need "mom" time, just like every mom does, but in a different way.

What do I do instead? I do the things that help me (not the mom next door, or my best friend, or well-meaning relatives) to refocus and enjoy parenting with a clear, relaxed mind. I get up early to have some quiet time for reading, writing, and thinking. I employ the use of a sitter a few hours a week (early in the day) when Hubby is out to sea for extended periods. When I meet with friends it's during the day, not at night, not at bedtime. I arrange mom/kid play dates with one or two other families at a time, and avoid big, organized "mom and tot" events.

And that is what works for this introverted Momma.

How about you? What energizes you?

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.

My Little Hero's Hero, Zero

When I was 2 1/2 (my son's current age), my heroes were E.T., Oscar the Grouch, and Bert (of Bert and Ernie). I have to say that, in retrospect, most of what you really need to know about me as the person I am today can pretty much be summed up in those three characters. With my stuffed E.T., I loved taking care of him and teaching him all about the world around us. One of my first clear memories is of taking E.T. to the beach with me in San Francisco (where we lived at the time) and teaching him all about the water, the sand, and everything else around us. Keep in mind, I was only 2 1/2, so my repetoire was pretty limited, but I still loved taking care of someone and teaching. Education and nurturing, it seems, have gone together for me since the very beginning. My love of Oscar is also very telling. "I Love Trash" remains one of my all time favorite songs, and with it, I trace both my love of recycling/used goods shopping AND my love of bonding with personalities that others would describe as irascible or "difficult." (In my pre-mom days, I worked at what will probably forever remembered as my dream job at a school for adolescents with emotional/behavioral disturbances. I LOVED working with those kids and would love to find a way to work with troubled teens again someday.) When I watch Sesame Street now with my son, I fall in love again with Bert, whose bravery in extolling the virtues and beauty of the every day ordinary (like pigeons, oatmeal, and reading) is an example that I strive to achieve every day.

I tell you all this as a preface to my son's unabashed, no holds barred, five month long love affair of a much maligned and undervalued number. My son loves zero. It might be because of it's almost identical appearance to the letter "O" which is the first letter of my son's name. It might be because it looks almost like a circle which is one of the few shapes my son can (almost) draw. It might just be an inexplicable attraction, but it is safe to say that my son is smitten with the number. I know what you are probably thinking. But zero means nothing! It's a horrible number to love. That is the most common reaction we get when family members or friends hear about Owen going to sleep at night with his "Zero" puzzle piece or the way he is thrilled every time he looks at a clock and there is a "zero" in the time. Although most agree that it is a cute story when I tell about how he used to chant "zero come back" when the zero would disappear from the time on the clock and would be thrilled when it reappeared, it still seems like an odd choice for something to love to the general population. I understand that. And yet . . . well, I understand where he's coming from.

Sometimes, I wonder where this love of zero will lead him in his life (if it leads him anywhere). Will he listen as an adult to his childhood love affair with the number zero and see it as the first step to his inevitable fate to become an accountant or a tax attorney? Will he, from the future perspective of a political activist or counselor, see it as the first time he came to the defense of the disenfranchised, the under appreciated, the ignored? Will he (as an artist and student of the human condition) see it as his first ability to see beyond what everyone else sees into the negative space of perspective? Or will it be as puzzling to him as my childhood insistence that my future husband would be Inspector Gadget? (Although, thinking about it now, my real husband is awful into "gadgets" and technology . . .)

The point is that my son is not yet who he will one day become and, ultimately, only he will be able to decide and interpret how the events of his life and the development of his personality came to be. As much as I, as his mother, may want to step in and predict his future or even try to determine his future, I can't. My primary future function will be that of an archivist who will present him with his past so that he can make sense of his life today and in the future. It is both a beautiful and an honorable fate that awaits me and I honestly have been so amazed and surprised by who he has already become that I can't wait to hear what he will make of all this one day. Until then, I will hold my little Zero Hero in my heart and in my arms and I will treasure this sweet little quirky love affair for as long as it lasts because nothing lasts forever. Or is it only nothing lasts forever? I will certainly never write a zero again without thinking of this period in our lives.

I'll leave you with a link to one of my son's current favorite songs. If it were up to him, we would watch this a thousand times every day. (And is it just me, or does the Zero Hero bear a striking resemblance to what might be a grown up version of my little boy?)

Thanks for reading,

Shawna

Loveybums Giveaway Winner!

The winner of the Loveybums Giveaway is (chosen by random.org)....

Janet Benthin

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Needless to Say

Needless to say – given the viral explosion of outrage – most of us have heard about the disturbing events between the nation's leading breast cancer charity Susan G. Komen for the Cure and Planned Parenthood.

Needless to say, people far more eloquent than me have written about all the various aspects of this debacle.

Needless to say, I am hardly the only one who was left utterly sick when I heard the news of Komen’s choice on NPR. When I received Change.org’s petition in my email inbox, I could hardly believe what I was reading; my eyes went so blurry, I couldn't focus on the words.

Needless to say, in light of this affair, we are reminded of various sad truths:

1) Bullying takes many shapes and forms.

2) Politics has no business being involved in health care, except that with health care being such a big business, politics is involved in health care, and not necessarily in the individual’s best interest.

3) Women’s health care is still wrapped around the issue of abortion, despite the fact that abortion is a legal and safe procedure, and like much of women’s reproductive health, it is a deeply private and personal matter and choice.

4) Because of abortion, politics is especially involved in women’s health care. The abortion issue is controversial enough that it can drive a historically apolitical organization to privilege politics over women’s lives. When an organization that was started to save women’s lives devalues women to the extent that it is willing to put politics before the very lives it hopes to save, we are all left devalued.

I am thankful for Planned Parenthood and for what it provides to millions of women. But I am sad and sick to realize – not for the first time – how little we value women, our health, and the precautions that keep us healthy. Even with Planned Parenthood, women's health care in this country is lacking. It's about time we got outraged about it.

Loveybums Review/Giveaway!!!

As a devoted cloth diaper user, I felt like I’d tried just about every style and every brand out there, until I discovered the wonderful world of small, family owned and wahm-based diaper companies.  I first found Loveybums while looking for wool.  They are a family owned and operated business in Massachusetts, and all of their products are made in New England with eco-friendly fabrics produced in the US.  They make incredible wool wraps, that are exceptionally trim under clothing.  I decided to give the jersey and crepe covers a try, and I was not disappointed.  After receiving my first package, I quickly realized that the only thing that topped my love for Loveybums wool wraps was my love for their velour fitted diapers.  After trying multiple brands, these had everything I had been looking for!  I was so in love, in fact, that I volunteered to write the review based on my experience with the products I’ve previously purchased. 

[*Note: All photos are of my personal washed and worn Loveybums diaper, and unfortunately I was unable to fully capture the vibrant color, or the squishiness!]

The velour fitteds are constructed of the softest, squishiest organic velour, with hidden layers of organic interlock and fleece.  But don’t let the squish fool you – they are also one of the trimmest fitteds I own.  There is no sacrifice in absorbency though, as they are also crowned as my favorite in that department as well!  They are so beautifully made in vibrant, hand-dyed organic velour, and the fit is outstanding.  Three snaps on each side prevent wing droop, and the stretchy, well crafted elastic gussets offer the snuggest of fits.  My daughter is 33 inches and 27 lbs and still fits into her larges on the smallest settings (without using the crossover snap).  The rise fits her beautifully without any lower belly sagging.  My first ones have been in heavy use for four months and show little signs of wear.

There is a snap in soaker that generally stays completely attached in the wash, that goes right up to the edge of the gussets.  I particularly like this feature when it comes to poop.  As many of you may have experienced, some diapers have skinnier inserts where poop can get trapped beneath them, or in the case of multiple layer soakers - sandwiched throughout, and it can be difficult to track it all down if you use a diaper sprayer as I do.  These are by far the easiest fitteds I own to spray clean, and the stretchy gussets hold in the biggest of messes.  The simple one piece, hourglass-shaped soaker is fully absorbent and does the job in spades.   There are doublers available if you’re looking for more holding power.  In fact, I have found that a doubler paired with a fleece topped hemp doubler was all I needed to make my loveybums fitted last 12 hours through the night!

In all, my only tiniest of tiny desire for something more with these diapers would be a stay-dry option.  I fully understand the need for many mamas to keep their fibers natural, but some of us have little ones with tender, sensitive tushies, and I get awfully tired of dealing with skimpy stay-dry fleece liners.  In my fantasy dream world I wish there were a stay-dry option so I would have one less piece of diaper laundry to tangle with.

Overall, Loveybums offers many beautifully crafted products that are worth consideration.  Some are periodically offered at deep discounts to facebook fans, and with coupon offers as well as seconds and overstock sales, there are always great deals to be had.  But these products are worth every penny.  And certainly, one of the best aspects of the company is not only its commitment to selling products manufactured entirely in the US, but Pam of Loveybums has always given stellar customer service.  She promptly answered all of my questions prior to purchases and has been a pleasure to deal with.  I am always happy to give my business to amazing companies such as this. 

For your chance to win your very own Loveybums Velour Fitted in the gorgeous Aquamarine color with your choice of size make sure to leave a comment on the blog post with your choice of diaper size and tell us your favorite loveybums product! 

For this and additional entries,if the entry box does not automatically appear, please CLICK ON "READ MORE" BELOW FOR YOUR CHANCE TO WIN!