When You Don't Homeschool...

... can you still hold tight to your ideals? Can you raise unconventional children in a conventional environment, in this case that being public school?

Well, I certainly hope so. That is, I'm working on it.

Overall, I love the public school my kids attend. There are various issues, some being school-wide, and others being city-wide (and thus harder to take on--not that I'm not trying!), as there are in any school, but so far we've been very fortunate and my two older children have had largely positive experiences.

As a family, we do some things differently than many of the families in our neighborhood. As a member of the "natural parenting" community, I see a great deal of blog posts and articles all about homeschooling and its benefits. I know them well, as I homeschooled my son before he attended Pre-K. My husband and I both value public school education, and we like the fact that our children have other authority and mentoring figures in their lives--we think of it as part of the "it takes a village" mentality.

Since I don't currently homeschool, I've often wished that I could find resources on how to continue to parent the way we do while our kids are in an environment that is, at times, very different, if not completely opposite from the one at home. After three years of parenting children receiving public school education under my belt, I've made some discoveries on what works for us and I'd love to share them with you.

First and foremost, know your child. I have two typical, active, social children, and neither of them require any special services. They are adaptable and adjust quickly to change, and they are not intimidated by the size of the school, nor the number of students (1400! Though I have to say it doesn't really feel that way). Our school is a good fit for them. Children's needs vary. Some may flourish with a busy, active pace, while some may need a smaller, quieter environment. Don't automatically rule out a large school, but don't assume your child will adjust, either. If you are a free range parent, be aware that children in typical public school are expected to line up, sit down, stand up, and the like, pretty much by the end of Kindergarten (it's really not that bad. But again, it's all about your child, and your personal beliefs about learning and teaching).

Make friends. With your child's teacher, that is. We all hear teacher horror stories, but in my experience, the vast majority of educators are wonderful people who care about children and like (if not love) their job. One of the best things I've done for my kids has been to get to know their teachers. I keep up correspondence in whatever way is appropriate and accepted, and keep the lines of communication open. Since I sometimes have requests or questions that most other parents do not, being friendly is a must. If a teacher goes above and beyond to work with my child, I make sure he/she knows I appreciate the extra attention. And if my children are involved in a discipline issue, I make sure I am receptive and not defensive. Nothing turns a teacher off more than a defensive parent who seems unwilling to listen to constructive feedback.

Get involved. Admittedly, this can be difficult, if not impossible, if both parents work. I have to say, though, there is no better way to find out what's happening in your child's school, and in their classroom, than investing some time there, no matter how minimal it is. Parent teacher conferences are a great way to start, as are curriculum days and any open classroom days that your school might have.

I am on our school's PTA and it is absolutely invaluable for me and my children. I am in the building several times a week and have gotten to know the administration, as well. This gives me the opportunity to bring to light issues that I would like the school to work on, and allows me to even tackle some of them along with a wonderful group of parents who are also devoted members of the PTA. It's a sincere privilege. If joining the PTA or volunteering time seems impossible, start an email list with other parents in your child's class, and keep communication going that way. Other parents are a great resource. I have gotten much useful information just chatting at pick-up.

Unless the school has a food co-op or a kitchen that makes fresh meals, make your kids' lunch. The NYC Department of Education tries, goodness knows--but the meals are still not things I would feed my children on a regular basis. For one, they are not prepared on site, and they are mass-produced. There is a huge healthy eating initiative going on right now, and though I appreciate the effort, that food cannot possibly compare to what I make at home. With all the focus we put on healthy, organic food, it would be impossible to accept school lunch for my children.

Don't let school supply lists or teacher requests intimidate you. When my son was in Kindergarten, it was requested that we send his snack and lunch in brown paper bags and ziplock bags. I sent a note kindly explaining that as we were trying to reduce waste in our household, all of the containers and bags we sent our son to school with were reusable, and were not to be thrown away (and this will certainly be the case for my daughters, as well). LunchBots, KidsKonserve and LunchSkins are all companies that sell reusable lunch supplies.

Each year's school supply list requests Purell sanitizer, a conventional cleaning spray, and Huggies baby wipes, and I stubbornly send in BabyGanics hand sanitizer and Seventh Generation cleaner and wipes. I'm thisclose to sending in a homemade cleaner, next!

Choose your battles wisely, and fight fervently. There are certain things, like slowing the curriculum pace or shortening the school day, that are pipe dreams, and I've learned that it's best to focus on things that are feasible for the school to change or improve, like amount of physical activity the children receive, activities and fundraisers to promote spirit and unity, and various other concerns where a solution seems attainable. This isn't to say that the big fights shouldn't be fought, though. Just this past year our school won a huge battle with the Department of Education, and it was one of our community's finest moments.

Don't let your child become another brick in the wall. Our school makes a great effort to make its students feel attended to and looked after. I've never been made to feel like my child is just one among the crowd. At the same time, there is a certain amount of group activity inside the classroom and out, and there are certain expectations that are placed on the children in terms of following directions and receiving instruction (if only for safety and the sheer mass of children going anywhere at a given time. Lunch periods boast over 400 kids in one space). As long as the children are treated respectfully and are given positive reinforcement, I don't take issue with that. Here is something I'm attempting to tackle: the lunch aides in particular leave a lot to be desired in terms of how they approach the children. My goal is to meet with the principal and talk about giving the aides further tools to positively discipline the kids without incessant yelling or unreasonable punishment.

When it comes to the instruction your child receives in the classroom, be as involved as you can with the teacher to find an approach that works for your child, the teacher, and the class as a whole. Whatever the concern is in your school, be it academic or otherwise, speak up and make your voice be heard. You are your child's best advocate. Don't assume anyone else will fight for him/her.

Stay strong--you and your children both. We are living in an age where seemingly every person in civilized society has a gadget and/or is on some type of social networking site. I share a fair amount online and I have a love/hate relationship with social networking, and I don't think it's appropriate for my children. My eight year old son asked me what Facebook was the other day. As I explained it to him I made sure he understood that in our family, at least, that kind of activity is reserved for adults. He also asked me when he would be able to get an iPhone (my answer was, when he's old enough to work and pay for it himself. Same for my girls. That's just the way the cookie crumbles). It's worth noting that many people we are close to and care about make different choices for their kids when it comes to this, so it's important that I reserve criticism and not come from a place of judgment, rather point out that these are our family's choices and what we believe is acceptable.

Along the same lines, my kids will ask for certain food, toys or activities that they see other children getting or engaging in. Once again, I do my best to reserve criticism--even more so since we talk a lot about people being created different, but equal. I have to accept that as many positive things as my kids are being exposed to, there is plenty of negative exposure, as well. and  I simply explain our family's beliefs and reiterate why we choose to live the way we do and consume what we do. It gets harder as our children get older, especially as they approach the age where insecurity sets in, and they just want to be liked. Going against the grain gets tougher and tougher. To that end, I try and instill in my kids a strong sense of self. I want them to be independent, confident and steadfast in who they are--and of course, that starts with me.

Come September, I will have two kids in school all day, with only my little one left at home to brainwash—er, parent and teach. My hope is that all my children will take with them the good lessons and learn to ignore the bad.

Where Have All The Kids Gone?

When I was a kid I spent a LOT of time outside. We lived in the city, first in a neighbourhood that wasn’t exactly your ideal white-picket-fence-attached-garage kind of affair, then in a neighbourhood that was neither good nor terribly bad, then later in a really nice quiet one. But that doesn’t really matter. No matter where we lived I spent a LOT of time outside doing whatever I felt like doing in a completely undirected manner.

When my husband was a kid he spent what sounds like ALL of his time outside. He and his family lived in a good neighbourhood with lots of kids through his entire childhood and owned a cabin where they spent most of their summers. No matter where they were he spent nearly ALL of his time outside. He fished, rode his bike, helped his dad do work on the property and just generally milled about.

Neither my husband nor I spent this time outdoors completely alone. We spent it with other kids in the neighbourhood. We got up in the morning, hastily gobbled our breakfast then made a break for it to see who was already out. If no one was out we would start knocking on doors. Last week we went on a little walking tour of my husband’s old neighbourhood and thirty years later he can still remember which kids lived in which house and who had the fastest bike or the best stocked snack cupboard. I could probably do the same in my old neighborhoods as well.

When we found out I was pregnant with my son, Oliver, and were looking for a place to live we settled on an apartment close to parks and schools in a neighbourhood where many young families were living. Not because it is a particularly nice apartment, but because our old apartment (which was way nicer) was home to mostly young childless hipsters and backed onto a hospital parking lot. Not exactly a great place for our child to roam free and make friends. But as Oliver gets bigger and our wandering range grows with him I am starting to realize that making friends with the kids in this neighbourhood isn’t going to be as easy for him as I would have thought.

Oliver and I walk everyday, rain, snow, or shine. We meander along at toddler pace looking at rocks and trees and animal footprints; we have several different routs all of which lead through quiet cul-de-sacs, school yards, and public parks. We have been doing this since last summer, over six months, and we have yet to meet any of the kids who live around here. We see evidence of children; snowy footprints leading to and from school and giant family vehicles full of booster seats sitting in drive ways, but we never actually see any children. No street hockey, no bikes, no swing races, no secret forts, nothing.

Where are all the kids?

This question keeps me awake at night, because more than being kind of disappointed that my son hasn’t made any friends in the neighbourhood yet I wonder what this next generation of kids who don’t play outside is going to be like when they are running the show. Surely a generation completely disconnected from the outdoors doesn’t bode well for the health of the environment. A generation of children raised in front of screens and the media onslaught that goes with them can’t be healthy, can they? Can a generation of children who know only the competition of organized sports and not the quiet synchronicity of nature be able to embrace peace and care for their communities? What happens when a generation of kids who have never spent a single moment without adult management and supervision are suddenly in charge of the nursing home I end up in?

Even more I wonder WHY these kids aren’t outside.

The answer cannot be as simple as ‘video games’. I will concede that kid directed media is part of the issue but I am also going to point out that kids with video games also have parents, and I would hope that at least some of those parents don’t allow their kids to spend ALL of their time in front of their games.

I don’t even think the blame is in organized activities. There is definitely a trend towards over scheduling kids these days but I find it hard to believe that every single child in my neighbourhood is completely booked up with extra-curricular activities every single day of the week.   

It could be homework. I was absolutely shocked when my niece, now 10, brought homework with her to stay with me over a weekend when she was only 7. She goes to a public school for six hours a day during which she was expected to sit still and concentrate, and then they wanted her to do even more busy work on the weekend!? What a total crock! But for every kid that does this homework there has to be a number who blow it off and do their own thing anyways right? I certainly hope so.

To be completely honest though, I think all of these things are symptoms of the same problem. People like their kids to have homework and organized sports and video games because it makes them easy to supervise. The reason everyone wants their kids to be easy to supervise is fear.

Fear of the ‘stranger danger’ boogey man. Fear of loss or injury. Fear of looking like a bad parent; of the parenting police coming to take your children away if you make choices that are not in the main stream. Fear of screwing up your kids. Fear of losing control.

Maybe some of these fears are valid concerns, I am not suggesting that we simply stop caring about the well being of our children, but I am suggesting that constantly supervising and micromanaging their activities is maybe not the best way to go about alleviating those fears.

I am suggesting that we need to teach our children to make good choices and then trust them to do that even when we’re not around to make sure they do, we need to think about the life lessons our children are missing out on when they don’t get to roam free and make connections with other kids (without your help), we need to ignore the sanctimonious glares of less confident parents at play group and make empowered decisions for our own families. We need to throw open the kitchen door and tell our kids to get off their butts, make their own fun, and not come back until the street lights come on unless they have a problem.

While my own son is admittedly not at this stage yet I am already finding ways for him to explore his independence. I let him trail behind or run ahead a ways when we are out walking, I don’t insert myself in his play unless he asks me to and I make a lot of room in our lives for free play at home and out of doors, I let him get hurt sometimes, I give him space to do things for himself, and when a fenced yard is available to us (we don’t have one of our own unfortunately) I let him play with only intermittent supervision. But if you are still feeling unsure about allowing your child free play outside in your neighbourhood here are a few safety suggestions that may put your mind at ease:

1) Establish reasonable boundaries: Where a toddler or preschooler may be able to find hours upon hours worth of fun in a small fenced yard, older children may tire quite quickly of the same-old same-old and find themselves right back in front of the television in search of stimulation. I think it is important to let a child’s boundaries grow with them. An older child will want to break out of the yard and explore his home street, a year or two later walking known routs to parks or friend’s houses is perfectly reasonable, a preteen should be geographically adept enough not to get lost in a boundary of blocks and blocks. And your teenager, well once they learn to drive and realize they are independent people you pretty much don’t have a say anyways so unless you plan to chain them up in your basement you may feel better about them having practice being free-range before that particular milestone.

These boundaries depend a lot on your individual child, some six year olds are more responsible than others just as some adults are more responsible than others, but make sure you are giving your children enough opportunity to demonstrate their competence and that they understand and agree with their set boundaries.

2) Regular check-ins: If your child can read time give them a watch and ask them to come say ‘hi’ at set times throughout their time out doors or give them environmental cues like a local church bell or regular delivery service. If your child is not old enough to read time chances are they will be nearby anyways so you can always peak out the door or window occasionally to make sure they’re still playing happily.

3) Decide on a password: Have your child pick a special word that is just between you. If your child is approached by an adult (ANY adult. A stranger or someone they know.) have your child to ask for the password. If you have not OKayed that adult they will not know this secret word and your child should know to come and get you right away.  My password was ‘poopy diapers’ and it was so well established by my mother that I once refused to let my own father drive me home from school because that wasn’t our routine and he couldn’t remember mine and Mom’s password.

4) The buddy system: Two tiny heads are generally better than one. I can’t count the number of times I watched out for younger siblings and other kids, and my siblings and other kids from our neighbourhood looked out for me. If something does happen like a child is hurt or about to make a really poor personal safety decision there is another pair of legs to run home for help (or another voice to second the poor personal safety decision, but really, who didn’t twist their ankle or break an arm trying to fly from tree top to tree top as a kid!?).Either way, finding your kid a friend/side-kick can help alleviate a little anxiety you may have.

5) Be available: Just to be clear, while I think unsupervised child-directed time outdoors is a right of passage, I am by no means suggesting you say good riddance at the door. Your children need to know that you are there for them if they happen to have a problem and they need to have a safe place to come home to. In short you need to be available.

In my opinion the kind of free-range childhood that I am suggesting does not work without a strong parent-child attachment. If your child is going to be unwilling to tell you things because they don’t want to be punished, don’t feel they will be listened to, accepted, and loved unconditionally no matter what it leaves room for dangerous situations to go unreported and overlooked. If your child has been taught through common punitive forms of discipline that they have no power, or that right and wrong can be dictated to them by anyone bigger than they are, there is room for manipulation. I will even go as far as to suggest that without a strong attachment, spending a lot of time outside alone may feel to the child more like abandonment than freedom. I will also say that while unsupervised and undirected time to play is important, our children also like to spend time with us so if they ask you to play, be available.  

In whatever way you can, whether you are willing to try giving your kids unsupervised time outside or not. Just get your kids outside as much as you can because my outside loving child and I are getting kind of lonely out here!