Mothering Your Friendships

Earlier this month, I had the honor to host/attend my first Mother's Blessing. It was a very special event and if you have never heard of one, I highly recommend you look them up! A Mother's Blessing or Blessingway is a ceremony/party held for a mother to be that celebrates her and the difficult transition she is facing into being the mother of a new little soul (even if it is the fourth or fifth little soul she has brought into the world). It differs from a baby shower in that the focus is on the challenges the mother faces in labor or in the weeks/months/years after the baby is born. The gifts guests bring are usually practical ones like frozen meals for the family or tokens for the mother to hold during labor or just when she needs strength. The women also make a plan to nurture the burgeoning family after it has been expanded. It's a chance for women to get together and build up the confidence and love a mother needs right before her newborn is born. Although I could go on about the amazingness of Mother's Blessings forever, I think I will save it for a future blog.

In the case of this Mother's Blessing, one of my favorite parts of the ceremony actually turned out to be the introductions. I had asked each of the guests to tell us who they were and tell a story about what the woman we were throwing the Mother's Blessing for meant to each of us. There were quite a few tears as we each told stories of how this amazing mother of (now) two also managed to inspire and help each of us. Although many of the guests didn't really know each other, none of us were surprised by how each of us felt about such a great friend and inspiring woman. However, the guest of honor seemed shocked. She kept exclaiming "What?" It was as if our amazing friend and mom-inspiration, Rachael, had no idea how motivating and invigorating she was not only to her own family, but to her friends as well. She did not know who she really was to the rest of the world!

This got me thinking. While moms are excellent at simultaneously seeing both the potential and the challenges of our children, I'm not sure we turn that double vision on ourselves enough. In our quests to be the best moms we can be and to reach our own ideals of what that should be, I don't think we pay enough attention to what we do impressively well for our friends, for our families (including extended families), and our communities. Too often, we seem to focus on our flaws. We berate ourselves for them, we attempt to forgive ourselves for them, we write about them, but we forget that for every flaw, we also have an inspirational skill inside of us.

So, I have a challenge for you today. Since it is so hard to remember to praise yourself, maybe you can praise a friend or a family member today instead. Let her know exactly what she means to you, just as she is (even if her day is not going perfectly) and what an amazing mother she is to you. Maybe if we all take turns mothering each other, we can each get better at mothering ourselves!

Thanks for reading,
Shawna

54 Ways To Engage A Child

When I was growing up, we always got praised for good work and critiqued for bad work. We learned to fail or succeed so we learned a good work ethic and we were proud of the work we did ourselves. We didn’t rely on what our parents told us and we believed in ourselves.

So, my friend and I started going back and forth with ways you can educationally engage a child instead of just saying “well done” or “good job.” I know that with both of those, they seem like what you did doesn’t matter. No one paid attention to it, and they are just giving the random answer that comes easiest.

I have always wanted to raise my children with a strong work ethic and the drive to be proud of themselves. I don’t want them to have to completely rely on what I tell them. Of course, they will know I love and am very proud of them, but they will grow up with self confidence and the love of their own work.

Here is the link to my friend’s post (she says it a lot better than I ever could). I would recommend everyone to get to know her. She is absolutely incredible! A doula, a nanny, and trying to conceive her first child. She is one of my very favorite people, and a very amazing woman.

Without further ado, the list of ways to praise a child in ways that actually praises them:

I’m having so much fun with you.

You teach me new things everyday

It makes me so sad when you cry out of frustration, how can I help you finish that?

Your ideas are so creative, I wouldn’t have thought about that!

My arms are tired of cleaning, you must be since you’ve been working so hard. Lets cuddle instead.

The way you line up your stuffies is really adorable, they looks so comfortable and cozy together.

Oh wow, looks like you are expressing anger in this picture, want to talk about.

If I lift you above my head, will you clean the fixtures, it might be fun!

May I help you? Looks like that is difficult for you.

When I have to clean the corners, I get frustrated, but you do it so easily!

The way you lined up all those red cars in a row makes me smile, I love how much convoys make you happy.

I wouldn’t have done that that way, but your way works better.

You make cleaning longer, but much more fun!

When I see you concentrating like that, I always wonder what you are thinking, want to tell me?

Your attention to detail is fascinating, I love watching you learn/create/enjoy your things/space

Huh, that is a different way to think about that.

I see how hard you are trying, would you like me to help you?

I love sleeping in a freshly made bed, do you?

But sometimes I like to dig under the messy covers too!

That showed a lot of responsibility/care/effort

Describe to me what your picture is, I’d love to know if you want to share with me.

When I draw, I always feel so free, how about you?

I love having a clean home, feels so lovely.

Do you like what you drew? How do the colours make you feel? I am enjoying watching you draw, your perspective is original.

When you help me, we get done so much faster. When we work together it feels great doesn’t it? Thank you, I appreciate it.

What should we do with this picture? Keep it, hang it up, give it to someone, recycle it, rip it up, frame it?

What were you feeling when you drew this? Were you pressing really hard, this line is dark! How would this look with crayon?

I love the way you laugh! Instead of That joke was funny

Show me how you did this!

I would have never thought to do that that way

I’m proud of you, could be, Are you proud of yourself? If they say yes, you can say, I am too!

thanks for helping

That was fun

It feels great when you help

I care that you’ve made the effort

Is that an elephant?!

Did you like building that?Are you fighting with your brother/sister for a reason? How about we sit and talk through it instead

I think we should make some playdough. Want to help? You can help me mix it together and pick the colors

How about we finish here and then you can pick what to have for dinner. Deal?

I think we should go for a walk as a break. Where do you want to go? That’s a great idea. I’m so glad you mentioned it

Would you like to help me change the baby’s diaper? You always know how to keep her happy while we do it

Did you have a dream about what you drew here? Seems like it was a funny dream!

I think the castle is missing one thing. Do you know what it might be?

Wow where did you get your hat? I wanted one of those but it looks so much better on you

You’re working pretty hard, want to take a break with me and have some cold lemonade? And then I will help you finish

Where did you learn to wash dishes like a pro? They are so clean you could eat off of them

Your room looks so great! Doesn’t it feel good to have the floor clean and the toys put away?

Did you do this by yourself? Wow that must have taken a lot of work. I love the detail you put into it!

Do you think playing the game was fun? What would you change for next time?

I am so grateful for your help today. It would have taken so much more time if I had to do it alone. Thank you so much

Did you choose this color to show something special or important? It really adds to the picture

You played a great game today! What were your favorite parts? Did you enjoy the other teams plays?

I love how you drew this animal, is it thinking something special? Did you line these blocks like this to show something? What does it show?

I love how you used the bright colors instead of saying that's a pretty picture 

This was originally posted on heartsandhandss.com, after spending time with my friend coming up with the different ways to praise a child on afternoon