Connected Mom Reading Club

I like to read.  Might have been how I wound up in grad school for English.  Anyway, I've noticed that I'm a more patient/peaceful/aware parent after I've been reading parenting philosophy.  This can't be a coincidence.  So I'm going to start my day every day reading a brief article/book segment to help me rethink how I approach parenting that day.  Now I don't dream that I'll spend everyday switching parenting philosophies, instead these pieces will focus on gentle parenting, consensual living, attachment parenting, green living, etc.  Once a week, I will aim to read a piece on building a stronger marriage, because it needs to be a priority too.  Everyday I will post what I'm reading and link to it, and I'd be thrilled if you would read along and respond with your thoughts.

Here's the scoop:

- I am all-inclusive, therefore the pieces will be secular.
- I am not espousing the methods of the author.  If I like it, I will write more on the ideas.  The initial reading is purely inspirational.
- This is a buffet - take what you want and leave the rest.

I'll still be posting several times a week, but I will post readings 5-7 times a week.  I look forward to some good discussion!

Protect Breastfeeding, Promote Education

Anyone else tired of hearing stories about the violation of maternal breastfeeding rights?  It's time to take action.  Mothers have a legal right to breastfeed in public in nearly every state.  When mothers are asked to leave or cover-up a public or private location in these states, the law is being broken.  This is the same fight feminists have been fighting for years - not to be discriminated against due to our sex.  Companies need to be held accountable for better education and training of employees regarding breastfeeding laws.  Ignorance is not acceptable.  We need more than issued apologies.  We demand company policy changes that inform all of their employees of the breastfeeding rights of their clients, co-workers, and themselves.  We have worked hard to promote a boycott of Nestle products due to their unethical marketing practices and we must do the same here.  Therefore I ask you all to join me in supporting a new initiative I am sponsoring, the Breastfeeding Rights Association, whose mission will be to hold companies accountable for following breastfeeding law.  When companies, organizations, or even schools fail to uphold breastfeeding law, they will be placed on our boycott list until the company publicly institutes policy change that mandates all employees are educating on breastfeeding law.

I would be humbled to have your support in this endeavor.  If you are interested in being a founding board member, helping with web design, or donating money to help with association materials, I would love to have you.  I'd be happy if you all do is send a thumbs up or host our badge on your site.  Website is in the works, but please check back here for updates on our fight to bring breastfeeding education to the workplace.

How to be an Imperfect Parent

I am not a perfect parent nor will I ever be. Whew, that's a load off! I'm not sure exactly when I got dubbed supermom by family and friends, but it's a lot of pressure, especially when I'm so aware of my failings. Part of my problem is that my ideology doesn't always meet my reality. I lose my temper. I leave the t.v. on too long.  I've given candy as bribes. You get the picture. I want to be a good parent and I work toward my ideals. Every morning is an opportunity to evolve as a parent, but that doesn't mean I'm always right.

I know I'll never be a perfect parent, but by surrounding myself with like-minded mamas, actively soliciting parenting wisdom and constantly evaluating my parenting methods, I'm mostly proud of my parenting. One of the greatest things about having found an awesome local attachment parenting community is getting a chance to watch other moms and dads parent. I've learned so much from these amazing folks.

So rather than getting caught up in being a perfect parent, 'cause June Cleaver is so last century, I thought I would focus on how to be an imperfect one. If you are perfect, there's no room for growth. Besides kids need to see mom and dad aren't perfect. They need to watch us navigate complex emotions and difficult situations to understand how to deal with their own emotions.  So here's to our flaws and all the possibilities that come with them!

Rethink Discipline

Discipline is a problem area for most parents.  We struggle with setting boundaries, conveying consequences, and cultivating behavior.  I think most disciplinary struggles come from our own struggles with these areas.  Where do we step in?  Where is our parental boundary?  How do we parent our children with love and gentleness?  And where does discipline fit into this?  The concept of discipline is problematic in and of itself.  It literally means to gain control through obedience or by prescribing certain behavior. 1  It is not our purpose as parents to control our children.  Our job is to guide them through modeled behavior and conference.  We need to instill in them a healthy sense of danger and respect but not through making them fearful or shaming them.  Discipline instead of being applied to our children should be practiced by us as parents.  Screaming, spanking, and shaming seek to encourage obedience through fear.  Instead as parents we should discipline our reactions to frustrating or infuriating situations.  Gentle parenting is not about letting kids get away with whatever, it is about showing children how to cope when strong emotions arise.  We do this by modeling the behavior we expect.

The other day Connected Son woke me up with the proclamation that he had built a house.  He'd ninja'ed himself out of bed next to me and as my eyes, and nose, adjusted I noticed the tinge of Louvre this Pink nail polish on his upper body and in the air,  I immediately shrieked, "What did you do?"  Five hundred horrible scenarios passed  through my mind.  I repeated this question a couple times as I grabbed my glasses and crawled away from Connected Daughter in bed.  Connected Son knew he'd done wrong.  Rushing around room to room, I discovered the bathroom sink painted the lovely pink.  He was sheepishly at my heels.  I sighed in frustration, muttered his name incredulously, and then I sat down on the toilet and explained that this wasn't what nail polish was for, to wake mommy up when he was ready to get up, and that we needed to clean up.  As I scrubbed, my frustration grew, but it was important for me to show Connected Son that messes could be cleaned up and that it wasn't worth losing my cool over.  Putting him in the corner only would have served to get him out of my way and to take my frustration out on him.  He wouldn't learn why it was a bad idea to apply a fresh top coat to the sink, he would learn to hide mistakes from me.

Elizabeth Willmott Harrop suggests that a more proactive approach to time out is to put yourself in it.   Harrop believes that sticking children in time out does little to teach them what was wrong with their behavior.  I know in my house, it only serves to elicit a bigger tantrum.  Instead, she suggests parents tell their child that mom or dad is going to have a time out so they can calm down.  This teaches the child value coping and calming skills through modeled behavior.  It shows her that she has control over her emotions and actions not her parents. 2

Get on the Same Page

It's imperative that parents discuss parenting with one another.  It's a sweet idea that two people could just always be on the same page about parenting issues, but it's unrealistic. Connected Dad and I finish each other's thoughts and often say the same thing at the same time.  That doesn't mean that he understands every parenting principle I put into action.  Likewise, time and again his insight into a particular situation has shown me a different perspective regarding the issue.   That said being on the same page is not the same thing as being on the same word.  Think of a page as containing similar ideas, stories, and thoughts.  You don't have to be at the same place in regards to parenting or agree entirely, but you need to have a good sense of your and your partner's parenting ideals.  Actively communicating with your parenting partner allows children to see the importance of communication.

Find Role Models

Often we get caught up in providing good role models for our kids and forget to provide them for ourselves.  The people around us influence our thoughts, actions, and emotions.  If we surround ourselves by negative, abusive, or careless parents, we are in danger of falling victim to similar patterns of behavior.  If we want to be more patient, thoughtful parents, it behooves us to seek parents who practice similar parenting styles.  We can learn a lot from them.  I mentioned above that joining a like-minded parenting group has really helped me.  Spending time with other AP moms and dads gives me the opportunity to discuss parenting dilemmas, get positive feedback, and observe other parents in action.  Don't have a parenting group in your community?  Start one! 

Walk in Their Shoes

It can be pretty easy to get frustrated with toddlers and small children (or teens for that matter!).  Connected Son can be equal parts kind, insane, unreasonable, and precocious.  There are days when I just want to run screaming to the grocery store for a break.  When I take a step back and rethink his actions, it's easier to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He's not asking me a zillion questions or repeating himself as part of a diabolical psychological experiment into maternal madness, he's exploring his world.  If we take time to see the curiosity and joy in our children's inquisitiveness rather than ignoring them, we get to participate in this discovery of the world!

We can apply similar practices to tantrums.  How do we feel when we are tired or hungry or bored?  Do we like being drug to a store full of things we don't use in our own lives?  Tantrums are a natural aspect of development as children learn to cope with frustrating emotions.  If we respond with anger, this merely increases frustration on both ends.  If we respond with empathy, we provide the comfort and security the child needs to develop emotionally and to move past the tantrum.

Say You're Sorry

Have you ever worked for someone that could never admit when he was wrong?  Didn't you resent that?  Parents are not above reproach!  We make mistakes and when we do it's important to admit that and apologize sincerely.  If we want our children to exhibit genuine, self-compelled remorse, we must model that behavior.   We don't respect authority figures who act above reproach, we resent them. Admitting your own faults maintains communication and trust between parent and child.

Get Down on Their Level

It's pretty easy as parents to talk down to our kids.  After all, they're a couple feet shorter than us.  So it's no surprise that if I'm admonishing Connected Son to stop something at the store or home, he doesn't pay much attention to me talking way up there.  Or he instantly jumps to getting his feelings hurt.  The reason is pretty simple, we aren't connecting.  Without face-to-face, eye level communication, it's much easier to ignore a request.  It's also easy for the attentive child to feel preached to even if it's not our intention.  Literally talking down at someone creates a power dynamic between the parties.  It places the standing or taller party over the other, establishing control.  

Instead of speaking to your child from above, try to get down and meet them eye-to-eye.  This promotes trust and respect.  It sends the message that you respect the child and what they have to say.

None of these methods will make you a perfect parent.  None of them will work 100% of the time.  They will open up the lines of communication and trust between yourself, your spouse, and your children.  We have a lot to learn as parents from each other and our children, but they are lessons well worth it.

And the big gold star goes to...

Pumping Moms

Seriously, I can't think of anyone that deserves a pat on the back more than a mom who is exclusively pumping, or for that matter, primarily pumping.  I've had the pleasure of knowing a few women who have done it.  Some had nipple problems or latch issues or had to go back to work.  Pumping is hard work.  Personally I've spent less than 5 hours of my 2 years and 3 months of breastfeeding experience pumping.  I did it to help with mastitis or relieve engorgement when I was in grad school.  And it's, well, B-O-R-I-N-G.  Since I don't pump often, I never got one of those fancy pumping bras, so when I pump, it's all hands on deck while listening to my Medela, which I swear is actually saying "lactating" as it pumps.  Really, listen to it sometime.

I figure a mom who exclusively pumps spends about 2 hours a day pumping (15 minutes pumping/setting up/cleaning up every 3 hours).  Two hours!  That comes out to about 2 1/2 days spent pumping a month.  That is selflessness.

So here are a few fabulous things to make every pumping moms life easier:

 A great breastmilk storage technique that takes up less space and makes thawing quick.  My pitiful stash is housed this way:

I removed the embedded video because it was slowing down the site, here is the link:
http://www.youtube.com/v/h4nr7hxToiY&hl=en_US&fs=1&

A cute pumping bra. I just adore Pumpease's marketing campaign, someday I'd love to try one.

And some great lanisoh cream - pumping is hard on those nipples!

Here's to the Connected Dad!

 Rocking his matching sling with Connected Son

We don't always see eye to eye, me and the Connected Dad, but he's always willing to discuss my harebrained ideas. He might be a bigger lactivist than I am, he loves wearing a baby, and he'll tell anyone that co-sleeping is the best thing you can do as a parent. He loves the family bed, he encourages homebirth, and he's a fantastic cook. We are so very blessed.

 After 24 hours of labor and a c-section, he was in awe of Connected Daughter.

Full of Fashion Photo Activism Contest Sponsored by Buddha Bunz!

Have you seen this disturbing commercial for the limited edition Huggies jeans diaper, which proclaims "I poo in blue?" Gag me. As if its not bad enough to throw away a disposable diaper, you can now throw away one laden with dyes made to look like blue jeans.

So I'm guessing Huggies is trying to up the cute factor, but we all know they can't compete with cloth! So let's show off how full of fashion cloth diapers are!  The fabulous Buddha Bunz, home of super yummy smelling wool dryer balls, is this month's official sponsor and will be providing the June prize to the winner!

How to enter:
Become our friend on Facebook and post a photo of your little one rocking their cloth diaper!  Have your friends and family like your entry to qualify as a semi-finalist.  You have until June 30 at 11:59 PM CST to enter. We'll choose the most-liked as well as some other favorites to be semi-finalists.

Myself and a panel of other cloth diaper mamas/papas will be judging the entries and proclaiming a winner the first week of July!
View the Huggies commercial here.

Semi-finalists photos will be published on the blog! You retain all rights to your photos.

Midweek Link-Up

I've got some fabulous posts, events, and info to share this week.  Seriously, if everyone posts such fascinating stuff, I may never mop the kitchen floor again!

Best for Babes laid out how new moms are booby-trapped - pressured to breastfeed but set up to fail in What are the Breastfeeding Booby Traps?






 The ever-so-readable Idzie published her first column for Breaking Pavement at Enjoy Life Unschooling.
Check out her thoughts on Bare Feet and Learning Connections.

Code Name: Mama is auctioning some fabulous unpaper towels for the  Save the Penises auction, a benefit to raise awareness about the benefits of leaving boys intact.  It starts on Thursday.

Keep your kids busy with some of the fabulous ideas on Skip to My Lou's Craft Camp.

Coping with Birth Disappointment

    I have birth disappointment.  I've had two cesareans, and I am not thankful for them.  I do not believe they saved my life.  Sometimes I am angry.  At times I am frustrated or sad.    Sometimes I lie awake for hours wondering where things went wrong.  None of these things make me a bad mother.

    As a mother coping with birth disappointment, I can tell you that depression in mothers is terribly misunderstood.  Birth is broken in America.  As women we are asked to accept interventions without question and pressured to make decisions when at our most vulnerable.  We have 5 minute prenatals with an obstetrician that might be present during our births.  Electronic monitors tell nurses when we are worthy of their attention and pitocin is now as essential to birth as the baby itself.  So it's no wonder that even the most prepared mothers often come out of birth having experienced interventions.  For a mother that enters birth with certain expectations, unplanned interventions, use of pain relief, or cesarean birth can be devastating.

   Dealing with feelings of anger, shame, sadness, or disappointment regarding your birth can be difficult.  Well-meaning family and friends remind new mothers that they have a healthy baby despite the experience, and while the sentiment is meant to make the mother feel better - after all, what better prize is there? - it generally only makes her feel worse.  Often the mother feels judged, as though others see her as ungrateful or selfish.  However, the feelings associated with birth disappointment are valid.

   Birth is a momentous experience in a woman's life.  It is transformative for the woman regardless of whether it is her first child or her fifth.  It is her first experience mothering that child, and it is important to her.  It is not simply a means to an end.

   It is key that women are allowed to cope with birth disappointment rather than try to ignore it.  Birth disappointment can affect a woman's desire to have children.  Some are too scared to want more, others become obsessed with trying again in an effort to heal the previous trauma.  Ignoring it could certainly put mom at higher risk of PPD and PTSD.
     
    The first step in healing birth disappointment is to acknowledge it and accept it as valid.  So here is what having birth disappointment means and what it doesn't mean.
 
Having birth disappointment means:
- A mother experienced unplanned, and often undesired, interventions.
- A mother may have experienced an undesired outcome, such as a cesarean section or episiotomy.
- A mother's birth memories elicit undesirable emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness.

It does not mean:
- The mother does not love her child.
- The mother was uneducated or poorly informed.
- Interventions were not necessary.

Women who are experiencing birth disappointment should take some comfort in that they are not alone.  Realizing what you are experiencing is normal and valid allows you to take healing steps.  Below are some strategies for coping with birth disappointment.

Ways to cope with birth disappointment:


- Join a support network. Not only will you benefit from having others who understand your feelings, but it can help you feel more empowered about future births. The International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN) has chapters that meet monthly in most areas. Birth Network National has chapters in many states that offer monthly meetings on a variety of birth topics.

- Talk with your care provider. If you are lucky enough to have a really supportive care provider, discussing your birth experience with them might provide better insight into why things didn't go as you wanted. Even if you don't have a strong relationship with your care provider, think of this as an opportunity to understand what happened during your birth. It may also give you an indication of whether or not you want to use this provider for future births.

- Seek medical help, if necessary. PPD and PTSD following birth is more common than most women realize. At a time when you are supposed to be happy, often mothers feel that they can't speak up about being depressed. However, PPD is most likely caused by a hormonal imbalance out of the woman's control. SSRIs might be necessary, or talk with your provider about hormone therapy (My doctor put me on natural progesterone pills. By the next day I was laughing, and I no longer needed them at 2 months!)

- Write out your birth story. While time supposedly heals all wounds, it can also just make things fuzzy. Sometimes the further you get from an experience, the more likely you are to forget minor, but important details. Three years from now all you might remember is getting an epidural not the reason you had for getting one. Ask your partner or labor support person to help.

- Be gentle with yourself. I have to give credit to my midwife for this one. It's something I remind myself of daily. Whether or not you could have changed your experience with different decisions is a moot point. We all did the best we could with the information we had at the time. Reminding yourself of this can help when you experience moments of self-doubt or self-recrimination.

Coping Mantras

My feelings are valid. I will not be ashamed of them.
I will allow this experience to be part of me, but not dictate who I am.
My birth experience does not determine who I am as a mother.
I will be gentle with myself.

   If you have a friend or loved one who is experiencing birth disappointment, be patient, listen to them and express genuine sympathy.  Avoid lectures on gratitude.  Do not try to remind her of her blessings.  Your gentle reminder can send her into a shame spiral.  Instead respect her experience and offer support.  Often the love and support of others can do more to help heal her wounds than any other strategy.


Readers:  If you have dealt with birth disappointment, what helped you?