Whose Stuff Is It, Anyway?

I haven't used my crockpot in probably two years. I don't know why; I just kind of got out of the habit and it sat in the pantry a long while. This week, I decided to make stew. The Agents love it and it's easy and it makes me think of fall even though the weather here isn't exactly cooperating.

But when I went to find the crockpot, I couldn't. I thought and thought about where it could possibly be: Did I box it back up? Did I move it to another shelf? Did it get lost in the move? 

When I talked to Hubby later that evening (after preparing something else for dinner) I told him all about my missing kitchen tool dilemma. And luckily he knew exactly where my crockpot was!

He noticed I hadn't used it in a while, and really wanted that space in the pantry for something else. So, he took it to Goodwill and dropped it off. 

He figured I wouldn't even miss it, so he didn't bother to tell me. Besides, I haven't earned a paycheck since December 2007, so technically I didn't "buy" it, so it really wasn't mine to begin with. 

Plus, we have been on this mission to declutter the house, and really this was just being helpful, right? Now I would learn to live with less and be content with what I have! 

And maybe next time I'd think twice about wanting to purchase yet another kitchen appliance when I already have a fully functional stove, refrigerator, and dishwasher. I even own a coffeepot and a waffle maker. Surely, a crockpot is just overkill.

Any of this sound completely ridiculous to you?

It should. It's complete fiction and would never happen at our house. My husband would never assume he could decide what to do with something that is mine (or ours jointly) without talking to me first.

And we wouldn't do this to our kids either. It is not okay to take our children's belongings. They have as much right to hold onto their crockpot (or legos, or dolls, or books) as I do.

From what I've been reading lately, this does not appear to be a very popular stance. 

I saw a blog post recently about a mother who took away all of her children's toys and previously allowed screen time and replaced it with a pocket playground. (Yeah; I had no idea what it was either.) There was really no logical reason to why she did this other than she wanted to see what happened. Her kids were understandably devastated and confused, but because they eventually learned to adapt (kids are resilient like that) she considered it a "success."

Another story I read just this week was about a parent who cleared out everything from her daughters' room after spending hours cleaning it and coming to the conclusion that they didn't appreciate their stuff and therefore didn't deserve it. (Why she spent four hours cleaning her children's room without enlisting their help or communicating about what she was doing, I have no idea. Probably a whole other post though.) She "allowed" them to "earn" back a few treasured possessions, all the while patting herself on the back for being so clever.

And remember that chore bin photo that circulated a while back? Where if a child left something out the parent held it ransom until the child paid some penance to get it back? Because we all know that adults never leave their keys in random locations, or lose their cell phones, or forget to put away something they finished using.

Conventional parenting wisdom (and most mainstream parenting advice forums) would have us believe that this is completely okay. That it is our job as parents to [teach our kids a lesson, make sure they know they can't have/do everything they want, show them there are consequences for XYZ]. That out of sight means out of mind and if they don't ask for it back it's okay to ditch it. That it's really our stuff anyway, because children don't actually have the right to "own" anything.

I personally don't follow this "logic" at all, and here are some reasons why:

1. Assuming your child is old enough to engage in meaningful back and forth conversation, he or she should be involved. Contrary to what some may believe, children are people and have feelings about their possessions. Even ones they haven't looked at in a while.

2. It won't teach them to take responsibility for their things. It might, however, teach them that sooner or later mom (or dad, but face it, probably mom) will get fed up and do it for them.

3. If the item in question was a gift, and you are swiping it back, it teaches them that gifts are given conditionally, not freely.

4. It's doubtful (at best) that having a few possessions snatched at random will teach them to appreciate their belongings more or to be content with less.

5. If we are still tempted to do one of the above, we probably need a good long look in the mirror first.

Wait wait wait . . . hold on a second. I know what you're thinking: It's not the same because you are an adult and your children are, well, children. Adults can and should make their own decisions when it comes to these things, and children . . . Can't? Shouldn't? Don't deserve the same respect?

Or maybe you agree with me, but are thinking: Okay, that's all fine and dandy, but seriously . . . what am I supposed to do with all this stuff?

Some possible solutions:

1. Limit what comes in. Less stuff, less clutter, less of an issue. Don't worry about what you should have done to prevent it in the first place, move forward.

2. If you already have too much, start by setting an example with your own things. Talk to your children about what you are doing and why. Involve them in both donations and purchases big and small.

3. Give some things away to charity if that's a mutual decision, but have a conversation about it first. 

4. Rotate toys by putting some in a storage bin (or a cardboard box) in the attic, garage, guest room, hall closet, tool shed, wherever you have space. Put away some newer art supplies until they've used up what's out. Tell them what you are doing and why, and be sure they know the items are not going away forever. 

5. Organize what you have with a better system. This doesn't have to be expensive or catalog worthy. Get your children's input; they'll be more willing to keep up with the organizing if they helped with it from the beginning.

6. Make reasonable requests. A two-year-old will never understand the command to "clean up your room" . . . heck, my very sharp six-year-old can get overwhelmed by a statement like that. Stick with short, specific goals. And be prepared to participate while your children are young. I'll straighten out the pillows and blankets on the bed while you put all the books back on the bookshelf. Put all the stuffed animals back in the toy box while I find a basket for these blocks. 

But what if it "works"? What if they do become more content with less, don't notice, don't care, and/or truly appreciate it?

This is definitely a possibility. And the truth is, I really don't know how to answer that one. However, in general I don't believe the end (however positive) justifies the means.

What is your take on kids and clutter? How do you handle this at your house?

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.

Simple Healthy Changes

In May I posted about using moving into a new house as motivation to get a bit more environmentally friendly. Today I would like to share a few super simple changes we've made in the last few months toward this goal.

Cleaning. I have discovered the joys of green cleaning! We use vinegar to clean the toilets, a vinegar and water mix as an all-purpose and glass cleaner, baking soda and lemon juice for tough stains, and olive oil and lemon juice to polish the furniture. It is all so easy . . . I am totally kicking myself for not doing this sooner. (We do still use commercial brands of laundry and dish detergent.) 

Food. We've made several changes in this area. (Take a peek at what's in our grocery cart.) First, I gave up my addiction to artificial coffee creamers and started putting honey and whole milk in my coffee. (It is delicious, by the way!) We started buying Greek yogurt and organic yogurt made with real sugar (instead of the corn syrup sweetened varieties). Recently we made the switch to brown rice and whole wheat pasta. (My oldest even told me, "hey, I like this new brown pasta.") We also began purchasing a brand of milk from a local dairy; supporting a nearby farm and only a few cents more per gallon. We stopped buying a favorite snack because there are food dyes in it. We've stopped eating lunch meats. We now buy only real butter. (Note: I tend to be wary of any diet plan that suggests eliminating an entire food group because it is evil. Please don't comment that I really need to switch to eating only dairy-free, gluten-free kelp cakes.)

Personal Care. The kids and I previously switched over to a toothpaste without dyes or artificial colors or flavorings. Other than that we haven't done much in this area. Still not interested in going no poo, and my beauty regimen is pretty much nonexistent, so not a lot going on there. We've have, however, been making an effort to not buy personal care products unless we really need them. As one small example, we actually use all those trial size shampoos, conditioners, soaps, and lotions we accumulate during our travels before we automatically just buy buy buy new without thinking about it. 

What (if any) little changes are you making these days? 

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.

About the author: Valerie is a Navy wife and homeschooling Momma to three young children.
She blogs at http://mommainprogress.blogspot.com.

Staying Sane When Your Spouse Is Away

Whether for military service or business travel, short term or long term, it's likely that even those of us blessed with a supportive parenting partner will have to go it alone at some point. Following are six tips for keeping it together when your significant other is not around.

1. Be prepared. For a short trip, this may be as simple as stocking up on groceries and making sure the car is filled with gas so you don't have to worry about it. For longer separations, consider the things your spouse usually takes care of that you will need to add to your radar (e.g., I would never remember what day the trash is picked up if it weren't in my calendar because that's not my usual domain). Use bill pay and other automatic set-ups when possible. Arrange for someone to take care of the lawn.

2. Be really prepared. It's pretty much a guarantee that during the time your husband is gone, something completely out of the ordinary and semi-disastrous will occur. Have a plan. Know in advance who you would call if the washer, the toilet, or the roof started leaking. Make sure your car maintenance is up-to-date, check the tires and fluids, and confirm you have roadside assistance. Change all the smoke detector batteries. Know where the nearest emergency room is. Make sure you have flashlights and candles.

3. Embrace routine. You don't need to account for every waking hour, but having some semblance of a schedule, even if you normally balk at the idea, is critical. If nothing else, it means you don't have to think too hard about what to do next when you feel overwhelmed. For us, we also have a few activities we always do on certain days to help make the week more predictable: groceries on Wednesdays, park time on Fridays, etc.

4. Respect that each child will respond differently. Our six-year-old wants to know details (where he is, what he's doing), to mark days off on the calendar, and to be my official helper. The four-year-old kind of understands, but doesn't have a great grasp on time yet, so she needs to be distracted and kept busy. At 20 months, A barely notices. Really. Sure, he'll be excited to see Daddy again, but as long as his primary object of affection (Mommy) is accessible he's good.

5. Don't take it personally. I remember the first couple of times Dear Hubby left for a long stretch, I would worry when I didn't get a response to an e-mail, or a phone call when I expected one. Keep in mind that whatever your spouse is doing, he's probably just very busy and not slighting you. If you plan to correspond via video chat, clarify when and how often this will be possible. 

6. Take care of yourself. You won't be able to help your kids through the transition if you are running on empty. Prioritize time to do whatever fills your own cup. For some that may mean time with friends, away from the kids. For others it may mean joining a gym with free child care. Maybe family could visit during his absence. Everyone has different needs when it comes to what energizes them. I wrote about my own experiences in Why I Hate MNO (and What I Do Instead). 

What would you add to this list?

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.

What Does Your House Say About You?

We just moved into a new home and are working on getting settled. After our time overseas we are thoroughly enjoying amenities we previously took for granted, such as ceiling fans, a sizable fridge/freezer, and carpeting. We are also trying to make the most of starting over in a new house, including giving considerable thought to where we want to put things, what we really need to keep, and going a bit greener.

Throughout this process, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of space we create when we make a home. Not just functionality or how it serves our own family members, but what it says about us.

Honestly, it's been a long while since I've been in someone's home and thought, oh I want my own space to be just like this. Or, wow the whole family feels really at ease here. On the contrary, most of the homes we've visited lately have been a lesson in what not to do. 

Following are some questions I started with when considering how we want to organize our family space:

• Is it pleasant and comfortable? or intimidating and confining?
• Does it say we value people? or we value things?
• Does it whisper I'm living in the past? or I'm looking to the future?
• Is it open and hospitable to all ages? or is it too restricting?
• Do children (mine or visitors) feel like they belong? or like they're on the periphery?

Here's what I want for our home: I want it first and foremost to be welcoming. I want it to be a place where my parents are just as at ease as my four-year-old, where my neighbor would feel cozy popping over for coffee and my grown nieces/nephews would be welcome staying for the weekend. I want it to say, please come in and stay awhile, whether you are two or seventy-two we'd love to have you here. I want it to look clean and uncluttered, but lived in. I want my children to know it's their home, too. I want to use the space we have well, so that it looks and feels open and inviting instead of cramped, which is no small task when you have three little ones and tons of stuff. (I thought I was pretty good at letting go of things but I still have some work to do.) 

What is your home saying?

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.

Intentionally Simple

At the beginning of the year I stumbled upon this website and came up with my own word for 2012: Intentional. For January I focused on becoming intentional with my time and for February I focused on becoming intentional with my words.

Then I . . . kind of forgot about it. March and April came and went in a blur. My best intentions (ahem) fell by the wayside.

For the month of May I'm making a renewed commitment to this whole idea of intentionality and my focus is on simplifying. (Perhaps that should have been my word all along?)

Because you know what happens when I forget to simplify?

• I get grumpy, and start to spiral, and have a terrible time pulling out of my funk. (You know how it is when everything. just. seems. overwhelming. Yes, that.)
• I yell at the Agents. I hate this most of all. I don't want to do it, I just do. And then I need something like this to get back on track again.
• I stop taking care of myself . . . I don't sleep well, I don't get enough time alone, and I literally make myself ill. (Seriously. This week I came down with my first UTI in probably 15-20 years. Apologies for the TMI, but I seriously forgot how truly awful a urinary tract infection is. Ugh.)

I read somewhere recently that stress is what happens when you try to do two things at once. (I don't remember where or I would totally give credit. I'm nice like that.) Anyway, yes, that is me. I mean, to some extent if I couldn't multitask at least a little I could not survive life with three small children. However, I find that often I bring on the stress of tackling two (or three, or four) things at once myself. I don't need to be busy for the sake of being busy. And the thing is, even when I feel busy and productive I'm not necessarily getting more done, I'm just spinning faster.

Basically, I got caught up with trying to do too much, ended up getting nothing accomplished in the process, and now I want a do-over.

Okay, perhaps do over is not completely accurate. What I really need is an action plan. I've been so bogged down with, well, existing, that I haven't really stopped to assess in a long time.

So, what's a Momma to do?

I think what I'm really looking for is a better routine. As much as I enjoy our adventures with homeschooling, the past eight months of not "needing" to be anywhere in the mornings have taken a toll on our days. Yes, I like to be flexible, and it's nice to not always need to conform to an outside schedule. But . . . I think we've swung to far in the other direction. 

On some level I wish I were one of those people who can go with the flow and remain calm and zen and all that, but the truth is I really like a good schedule to follow. While it may sound counterintuitive to some, I believe having more structure actually simplifies my days. I like knowing what to expect. I like a good list of this happens, then this happens. I like the repetitive feel of a well-planned week. We've been all over the map lately, with everything from bed time to meals to outside activities, and it's starting to show. I believe we will all benefit if Momma gets her act together and encourages a regular, simple routine. 

For now, I'm going to try to make more of a conscious effort to focus on a few specific events to anchor our days. Of course we're in the middle of getting ready to move across an ocean so maybe now is not the best time to revamp the way we do things. And then we'll be off visiting relatives, and setting up the new house, and then we have a planned trip to see Mickey Mouse, and after that Hubby will be getting ready to leave . . . 

Okay maybe this will be more challenging than I think.

Do you aim for simplicity, or do you thrive on chaos? What does your daily routine look like? What do you do to get back on track when you are feeling off kilter?

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.