Unexpected Things about Parenthood

I have a great group of Mama friends, whom I met online. We're friends in "real life" too now, but since we are spread far and wide, our interactions are still mostly online. One day, one of them, a freshly born Mama asked the rest of us a great revealing question. We all know there are plenty of things that aren't exactly like we expected, or that we imagined would be one way but are a bit different, but she wanted to know about the things we didn't expect at all. So here are my top 4 things I didn't expect about parenting:

1. How hard coparenting could be.
I love my husband, he's a good man, but parenting together is so so much harder then I thought it would be. Reassuringly, this was a common one amongst my Mama friends too. Parenthood, especially the first time around, can be such a pressure cooker of emotions and expectations. As much as you try to prepare, you can know what its really going to be like until you are in the thick of it. And when you have two distinct individuals, trying to work as one to raise a third distinct individual, well its just not always easy.

2. How insanely different it is when its your own baby. 
I'm 7 years older then my brother, have been around kids/babies my whole life, I've been babysitting since I was 12, taught vacation bible school to preschoolers for multiple summers, was a mother's helper to quadruplets all through college, and was not the first of my friends to give birth. I was also dying to be a Mom, feeling it through every fiber of my being. Yet, all that experience went out the window when Gwen was born. I had the knowledge, I had tools in my arsenal that others didn't, but it is just different when it is your own. Each baby is different anyway, but add into that the biological response your body has when responding to your own child, well I was just unprepared for it.

3. That we'd still be breastfeeding at 3 years old. 
and 4. That we'd bedshare (full-time for the "fourth trimester", then part-time for a long time). 
I knew I was going to be an AP Mama, its how I was raised, and its what I felt the most pull towards. However before Gwen was born I wasn't completely comfortable with the idea of bedsharing, and it was only when Gwen proved that she had other ideas that my husband and I decided to give it a go. And while I always knew I would breastfeed, I didn't realize how strongly I would feel about fighting past the mastitis, the clogged ducts, the supply dips to make it past a year... and how much Gwen would love it, to the point of deciding to keep pumping until 2 years, and wanting her to self-wean. I guess this boils down to the idea that before I was a Mama, I thought I would be the one with the answers; once Gwen arrived I realized that we would figure this out a lot easier if I let her be my guide on a lot of things.


What things did you not expect at all before you became a parent? 

 

The Fourth Trimester

We all know that pregnancy has three trimesters.  Most know what happens in each, and all that comes with them.  What we don't realize or don't understand is that there is more to pregnancy than growing and then birthing that baby.

There is another trimester that we brush over, the period from birth until baby is about three months old.  For most those first three months are a trial.  You are getting to know this new person that has needs and wants, and it is especially hard because babies don't use words, so you have to figure it all out through actions and cries.

The birth our your child starts a new phase in your life.  It doesn't matter if this is your first baby or your fifteenth.  Each baby has a different personality, different wants, different needs.  They are their own person.  You have to learn about this person right from the start, and having this new baby can be hard.

Unless you have an incredible support system after birth, the fourth trimester can be lacking and made even harder.  People come over, not to help, but to meet and hold the baby.  People that you don't know very well all the sudden invade your space, sit on your couch, and cuddle this new person, while your needs are put on the back burner.  You don't matter, all that matters is this cute, precious little bundle.  You have to go back to how life was before this baby was born, even if you aren't ready for it.

Women need support more than ever during this time.  They need people to come over, to do their dishes or laundry or make them dinner or watch their other children for an hour.  They need people to watch the baby so they can shower or nap or do something just for themselves.  Mothers shouldn't be left alone in this fourth trimester.

Most women stop nursing within this fourth trimester because of the issues that arise and there is no one there to help them.  Lactation Consultants at the hospital or in the health department are most times not board certified and don't know how to help most issues.  Women need a support system that understands the issues she might be going through, or even just where to find accurate help.

This fourth trimester is very trying, and new mothers need so very much.

This time is misunderstood, it is blown off as nothing more than new mom nerves or worries.  We joke that they will feel better later or that they just need to get this gadget or that gadget and things will be instantly better.  We give bad advice or tell our great stories thinking that it helps.  We tell them that they just need a wrap or sling, or need to nurse more, or maybe just need to pump and feed a bottle, and we even sometimes throw out that formula could be a better option for these mothers.

The fourth trimester is very real.  Women are vulnerable, they are crying out for help, and we are ignoring them.  We need to be there for them, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on or doing a sink full of dishes.

We need to do better.  We need to be better.

Next time a friend has a baby, go over and ask how SHE is.  Ask what she needs you to do.  Say hi to the baby, say how beautiful the baby is, but spend the majority of the visit doing or being.  She needs you.  Be that person she needs.