When I became a mother, my life changed, and an entire world
I knew nothing about took over. I had a mountain of decisions to make, and
didn’t know which way to go. Those first lonely months at home with my newborn
were really overwhelming. Mommy blogs and message boards were just becoming
popular, and so, I turned to the internet for companionship. It was the easiest
way to find and talk with other moms.
At first I was first impressed with the amount of
information I found and felt comforted by the fact that there were so many
women like me, who wanted to share and connect with people, even if it was just
through a computer screen. But then I became aware of something that goes on
not just on the internet, but in real life, as well: the mommy wars. Breast vs.
bottle; work vs. stay at home; c-section vs. natural birth; Ferber vs. Sears;
rear facing vs. forward facing car seats; Stride Rite vs. Payless; and pretty
much any parenting decision you could imagine is challenged, dissected, and
ultimately condemned by someone out there who disagrees.
I frequented one popular mommy site in particular, and the arguing that ensued there over nearly everything was reminiscent of a soap opera. Sharing that I was going to return to work full time when my
son was six months old, I was blasted by strangers who knew nothing about me as
being selfish, greedy, self-serving, and letting someone else raise my child.
If only those women could have been with me to feel my heart being wrenched out
of my body every single time I had to leave my child with a stranger. If only they
knew the feeling of being ripped apart limb from limb, the condemnation I
put myself through for not being responsible enough with money when I was
younger so that I could afford to stay home; for thinking having a baby and
going back to work would be a piece of cake; for not being there every single
time my son cried.
I couldn’t believe that any woman, stranger on the web
or not, would think or imply that I was any less caring or any less of a parent
than she because I worked outside the home. Even worse, I had a very high
intervention birth, I formula fed, and did not wear my baby, and those choices
were put down too.
Eventually I realized that the worst of the criticism was coming from
myself. As a first time parent, I was unsure of many of the choices I was
making. I allowed people to make me feel like a poor parent because I felt like
one already.
I started asking myself questions about how I was parenting
and why. Over time I started frequenting different internet sites and became
exposed to different groups of women, a couple in particular who challenged my
decisions in a gentle, but thought provoking, manner. I went back to the
drawing board with my parenting. I spent hours and hours researching vaccines;
circumcision, breast-feeding, natural birth, baby wearing, cloth diapers, and
much more. I changed what I could with my son, and swore to myself that when
the next baby came, my husband and I would make decisions because we were
informed, not because it was what everyone else was doing.
I suppose at that point I was no longer a mainstream parent.
I honestly felt like I would be welcomed into the
non-mainstream community, and that it would be wonderful to sit back and say,
“Isn’t it just great that we all accept each other?”
Unfortunately, the mommy wars are never ending. I very
quickly became aware of another facet to this side effect of parenthood, and it
is the AP (attachment parenting), or crunchy, moms vs. the mainstream moms. One
side attacks the other and each struggles to come back with something proving
that they are the better parents. It’s really sad, it’s really disappointing,
and what’s been particularly surprising for me has been that even the like-minded moms argue amongst
themselves.
Even in the non-mainstream parenting circles, I often find
that there seems to be a certain set of rules and standards that moms are held
up to in order to be Good Parents. Among those are: cloth diapering,
co-sleeping, no pacifier, breast-feeding, child led weaning, elimination
communication, drugless births, delaying solids, organic eating, home
schooling, and more. (I’ve done most of these with my second child and plan to
continue with my third—and I still don’t feel crunchy enough). If a mother does
not adhere to all of these rules yet she claims to be an AP parent, she is
criticized and ultimately, over time, becomes ostracized from the very circle
she sought to join. And amongst the blue ribbon pedigreed AP moms, there is a
lot of patting on the back, a lot of self-congratulatory comments and behavior,
a lot of self-satisfaction and praise for each other for being the Perfect
Parent.
Isn’t attachment parenting about not conforming to anyone else’s rules? Isn’t it about child-led
parenting? Isn’t it about listening to your baby and child’s cues, and doing
the best you can? If every child is different, then what works for one will not
work for another. There is no set of standards, or at least there shouldn’t be
in my opinion. Since when did it become a battle of who uses the most
organic cloth diapers, who doesn’t get the epidural, who breastfeeds the
longest? Since when have using a pacifier or the Ferber method become
acceptable reasons for casting someone out, for ending friendships? It startles
me that we can go on and on about accepting and being gentle with our children
when we don’t do it with each other.
Though these types of disagreements happen everywhere, the
online world seems to be the worst. I’ve read comments on message boards that
seriously make me cringe. Why are people so beastly on the internet? Is it
because they hide behind their keyboard, never having to face the consequences
of their words? Do people become bolder when they are tapping the keys away
well into the middle of the night, instead of having to actually speak with
someone? I wonder how many of these Perfect Mothers would tout their
credentials with fervor in a room full of real people, instead of in a virtual
chat room or on a message board?
Why don’t we think better of ourselves as women? Why don’t
we hold ourselves to higher standards? Don’t we realize that by fighting
amongst ourselves we perpetuate the unfortunate stereotypes that women are
catty, backstabbing, and dishonest? Even the phrase “mommy wars” makes me feel
like we’re just a bunch of loud-mouthed, cat-fighting witches.
While I don’t believe in circumcision, don’t practice crying
it out, selectively vaccinate on my own schedule, am obsessive about eating
well, and am insanely passionate about breastfeeding and car seat safety, among
other things, the thought that I couldn’t be friends with a mother, in real
life, or on the internet, who doesn’t do all these things exactly as I do,
never occurred to me. I talk to my real life mom friends and family about the
wealth of knowledge I have acquired and how valuable it is to me, but I would
never dream of ending my interaction with a mother based on whether or not she
actually followed my path. Frankly, if I believe my way is best, and I’m hoping to get other moms over on my side,
the best way to do that is with gentle advice, guidance, and support. I’ve
never had any luck convincing anyone of anything when I’ve criticized them and
made them defensive.
As much as I pride myself on making our food from scratch,
staying away from processed snacks, and as pristine as our diet is the vast
majority of the time, occasionally you may find Chex Mix (for me) or Cheez Its
(for my husband) in my pantry. I nursed my daughter for two and a half years,
and she enjoyed a pacifier for two of those years. In my home, we all prefer to
sleep in our own beds. I don’t have homebirths. My kids eat Amy’s Organic
frozen pizza. I gave up my all-natural shampoo recently because after getting a
sample of Aveeno in the mail, my hair was so much shinier and manageable that I
couldn’t go back. Some days I recycle like a mad woman, and some days I just
throw the toilet paper roll into the regular trash. Why? Because I don’t have a
crunchy checklist. And because I’m human. There’s so much to keep track of and
manage, and sometimes one of the balls I’m juggling falls to the floor. And
that’s OK.
You can be a good parent, a great parent, in fact, and make none of the choices I have made. I
know I went through a period where, internally at least, I was judgmental of
other mothers and the way they raised their children. I know I was self-righteous and thought I had it all figured out. Finally branching out in
my neighborhood and making some real friends has helped me get over my
judgment. I’ve come full circle. Sure, I’m opinionated—and I love to share
information about what I’m doing. But I’m finally confident enough in myself to
not pay too much attention to what other people are doing. I no longer feel the
need to brag about my natural living or parenting skills. In fact, amongst my
friends, none of us do things exactly the same. And I like it that way!
I’m finally home full time and ecstatic to be so; and make
the best choices I can for my family. My husband and I parent as human beings,
good human beings. We love our children; we parent them instinctively, and will
continue to do so. If something works for us, great, and it doesn’t matter
which umbrella it falls under, the mainstream or the AP.
I certainly don’t measure a good mother by how long she
breastfed, or what kind of labor she had, or whether her baby sleeps in a crib
or not. I don’t find it necessary to alienate mothers for using the cry it out
method, or for giving solids in a time frame I deem as too soon; because I know
that they are good mothers. They love
their children, and they do what they think is best. I wouldn’t take my
friendship away from a woman who chose to have an elective c-section at 40
weeks—I would try with all my might to warn her, and give her information, but
the idea that she is a bad mother or doesn’t love her baby is ridiculous.
Often, moms make these types of choices because they don’t know that there is
another way—and I know that because I was
one of those mothers.
And of course, the judgment comes from both sides. It is because of the harsh words and comments
from the mainstream community, and because
they sting, that I am disappointed to find that the other side engages in this
war, as well. I guess since it seems as if non-mainstream parents hold
themselves to a higher standard when it comes to their living and parenting
choices, I hoped that would apply to them as human beings, as well.
I feel for the new mothers, the ones who struggle the way I
did, to find the right way. I fear the rejection and judgment they will face
when they enter an environment full of Perfect Mothers for the first time,
whichever side of the spectrum they are on. It saddens me, as a woman and a
mother, that we cannot find common ground in simply loving our children the
best way we know how.
