Tattling: The Post I Will Read In 3-5 Years And Have A Good Laugh At My Own Expense

I love kids. I have always loved kids. Kids are joy pure and simple, they are fluffy clouds, rainbows, unicorns, and kittens all rolled up into little humans... Even though they don't always act like it. When they don't act like it I can put up with defiance and sass mouth, I have all the patience in the world for doddling and never ending random questions, but if there was one trait that I could genetically engineer out of every child everywhere it would be tattle telling.

Maybe it's the fact that I am not really into rules. Maybe I just like it when people mind there own dang business. Whatever it is, the constant whining drawn out calls that 'so and so did something' make my skin crawl. They make me want to scream. Make me want to banish otherwise perfectly lovable & awesome children to a deep dark pit never to be heard from again. Seriously.

Every child I've ever met has come into this phase at some point and for years I have been very carefully observing what makes these tattle tales tick in order to minimize, if not totally eliminate it from my son Oliver's development.

Will it work? Most likely not, I highly suspect that tattling is just one of those perfectly normal developmental stages that we must do our best to accept, but my sanity is so totally worth the try.

I may be completely wrong here, but I feel like constant tattling (and I am talking serial tattling here, like the kid at our swim class who complains when everyone isn't swimming in the right direction.) is sometimes a sign that kids are struggling to understand concepts and develop skills (i.e. Boundaries and problem solving), while the common adult reactions to it (in my case the exasperated brush-off) are often unhelpful in meeting those needs to learn and understand.

I've also noticed that tattle telling has two phases. First as children start to learn about and try to understand the rules and boundaries in place for them, and second as children are learning to navigate social interactions with peers on their own.

In the first phase, the worst tattling offenders always seem to be the children receiving the most verbal correction and direction from the adults around them. Usually because they have the most rules to follow. It's been my experience that these children are often more worried about doing things 'right' then just doing things and having fun. It has also been my experience that this worry extends to everyone around them & they end up mirroring the constant verbal correction they get from adults in the form of tattling.

Am I suggesting that children don't need clear and consistent rules and boundaries? Of coarse not. But maybe they do need less of them, and maybe we as parents could find more creative ways to teach these rules then simply spouting them out every time our children come close to our boundaries. Because if *I* find it ridiculously annoying when children spout rules at each other at every infraction, imagine how annoying it is for Oliver to hear it from me.

In developmental phase two of tattling this constant correction and rule spouting leaves children with few examples or tools to use in social situations with peers. In a difficult situation the only thing a child may know to do is recite an enforceable rule, yet many children have never been granted any authority with which to enforce the rules, nor any leadership or problem solving skills to find solutions and are left with only the option to run straight to the nearest adult.

So basically I have developed a 'nip tattling in the bud before it even starts' plan that involves not only giving my son more freedom from unnecessary rules, but also changing the way I teach him our family rules to promote confidence, decision making and problem solving, and do my best not model rule spouting and telling to him.

 

Like I said earlier, I am not in any way suggesting that this might actually work. For me it is simply worth the extra effort to ensure I am giving my son the tools and confidence to solve problems in his own way.

1: set up reliable routines 

 

In eliminating the need to spout out rules and repeat myself over and over again, I have found that most all 'rules' can be replaced painlessly with routines. 'Don't leave your toys out' and 'Wash your hands before you eat' don't really have to be rules if you lead by example and just do them as part of a reliable routine. I have talked about using routine to set boundaries with young children before, and as Oliver grows I find myself relying on them more and more.

Not only do reliable routines allow us to teach good habits and work with our children to learn important skills without conflict or power struggles, they also have the added benefit of giving kids control and confidence. Oliver can and often does initiate several of our routines by himself and has recently started asking us not to help him as he starts to take pride in what he can do for himself.

Does every routine get executed exactly how I would want it to? No. Is Oliver always an enthusiastic participant? No. Does that really matter? Not one bit, It is worth it that he is learning self motivation and ownership/pride of a job well done.

 

I hope this will help him tackle tough situations on his own in the future, but at the very least I will have avoided modelling to him the kind of 'rule spouting' that tattling seems to mirror. 

2: focus on the feelings

 

There are some rules that are more serious then a fun routine. In our house they all fall under one of three main rules; respect yourself, respect others, respect your environment. but while things like 'no hitting' are most definitely rules in our house I try my best to avoid simply telling my son not to hit. I much prefer to focus on developing empathy and emotional maturity then having Oliver follow hard and fast rules. In stead of 'No hitting' I am more likely to say 'ouch, Oliver that hurt when you hit me and made me very sad'. I firmly believe that this will help Oliver when he is negotiating difficult situations with peers by giving him the words to stand up for himself and make his feelings known, as well as the empathy and compassion for others.

This can work in a variety of situations positive or negative and is something I try to focus on daily. 'Oliver, it scares me when you jump on the furniture, I don't want you to get hurt' or 'it makes me so proud when you treat your books so nicely'

3: give options and alternatives: 

 

Instead of constantly correcting a child's behavior with negative words or simply reciting rules, I try to add positive language to the conversation and create an environment where I can say 'yes' more then 'no' to build upon confidence, pride in accomplishment, and model problem solving skills that they can then take with them when they start striking out on their own and interacting with peers.

Instead of 'hang up your coat and put your shoes away' I try 'where would you like to hang your coat? On the hook or in your room?' and then let them do it themselves. Or combine this method with the focus on feelings with 'it scares me when you do that, it's dangerous, would you like to jump on a cushion on the floor instead?'

More open ended options and alternatives can be overwhelming for some children, but they are also a great way to promote creativity and problem solving. 'you and your friend are having trouble sharing that toy. Can you think of something else you can do together?'

Sometimes I hear myself saying these things and I feel silly, especially when the results aren't immediate. But then I think about how amazing it would be to hear Oliver model this type of language instead of tattling and it feels totally worth it.

4: relax and let things go 

 

Is it really so important to me that Oliver always uses an 'inside voice' when we are inside or always says 'please' and 'thank you'? These are both traits that I would like to teach him of coarse, but is it really worth it to me to interrupt otherwise positive moments to correct his behavior when he doesn't?

Sometimes the 'please' and 'thank-you's are implied by the sweetness of his tone.  Other times they are omitted because he just isn't in a very good mood. Sometimes inside games get really too exciting for an inside voice and sometimes it is necessary to be loud to fully express big emotions.

Either way, it's ok to let the rules go sometimes and just be in that moment as it is. Whether the child notices these letting go moments or not, I still think it is a good skill to model for them. Not everyone is going to have the same rules, not everyone is going to follow them all the time, and in the midst of a happy moment, so long as no one is  getting hurt, there's no need to worry about it.

In the end will these steps help to minimize the tattling in my future? I would like to think so. I would certainly never turn my child away if he came to me for help but giving him the tools to solve his own problems is also very important to me so at the very least I won't need to intervene in every single tiny injustice he perceives and hopefully I can find within myself the patience to approach each tattling as a teaching moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you think? Have I missed any key elements to tattle telling? Do you have any tips for promoting confidence and problem solving in your children? How do you react when your children tattle on other kids?