Nobody puts baby in the crib!

I wrote this in response to Authentic Parenting's call for posts for a blog carnival on the subject of Radical Parenting.

My 2 year-old recently informed me that "Sydney doesn't have a bed."  I'm not entirely sure if this is his own observation or the result of overhearing conversations with my mom.  Regardless, my response was "No, Syd sleeps with mommy.  When you were a little baby you slept with mommy too."  Occasionally he still does, although he is relegated to Daddy's side for safety's sake.  But he's right, we don't even own a crib.

The lack of bed seems troublesome to many.  My son was content enough with my answer.  I guess it made sense to him.  Others have more adult concerns.  How can I sleep?  Isn't it dangerous? Will she ever sleep on her own?  And....insert hushed voice....how will we ever have sex again?  The answers are pretty straightforward.

I sleep great.  It was much harder for me to sleep the first month James moved into his own room and he was almost 2 at that point.  I don't believe it is dangerous if you employ some common sense and some safety measures.  Syd sleeps beside me and I sleep between her and my husband and/or son.  I'm careful with my pillow and I have a special co-sleeping bolster that prevents roll off. As far as sleeping on her own, my son is sleeping on his own upstairs, so yeah, she'll sleep on her own.  Although my son is always welcome to come into our bed if he needs the comfort.  And sex?  Yeah, not an issue.  As I once told someone that asked this question, not everyone has sex at night or in bed.

But why is sleep sharing so important to me?  Well, I won't lie.  It is convenient.  It's a lot easier to soothe, feed, or change the baby.  But it's more than that.  Sleep sharing is supremely natural.  My child belongs with me.  She needs me in the most basic, simple, yet all-consuming way that she will ever need.

As humans, we feel some desperate need to separate ourselves from animals.  We're intelligent, we tell ourselves.  We have more demands, more capabilities, more know-how.  Whatever floats your boat.  It seems to me we could learn a thing or two from animals.  When was the last time you saw a mama cat stick her newborn kitten in a little cage for the night?  Yeah, never.  We could do this with damn near every animal on the planet, but we won't.  You get the point.

Now somewhere along the line we convinced ourselves that letting our babies sleep in bed with us would cripple their development.  They would become dependent, unable to sleep on their own, clingy.  But if I could go back to my animal analogy, I'd like to argue the opposite.  Those same animals that bunk down with their little ones, send their babies off into the world much earlier than us.  They are nurtured carefully during their developmental stages in preparation for going out into the world.  It's logical.  An infant of any species needs to feel secure when they are at their most vulnerable to ensure their ability to grow and prosper.

Imagine, if you will, that you have lost your ability to speak, walk, sit up, even form rational thought.  All you have is pure, visceral basic needs and emotions.  You know you are hungry.  You know you are uncomfortable.  You know you have soiled yourself.  You know you are scared.  You know you are alone.  You know you need.  You don't know someone is in the next room.  You don't know someone will come for you.  You can't remember that.

Now imagine in this vulnerable state that you awaken in a dark room in a box with bars.  You cry out not to alert someone to come in...you don't have the capacity to do that.  You cry out in fear - pure, basic fear.

Fear is crippling.  Fear can stop grown adults from facing obstacles.  It can send them cowering away from a difficult task.  If you start your life in fear and impotence, how do you learn to be independent?  or even to ask for help? If you had to choose between fear and security, what would you choose for yourself?  your children?  By removing fear, we stop wasting energy on it.  We have the capacity to channel our energy into growth.

Now ask me why I don't put my babies in cribs.

Thoughts from Inside the Bubble

I feel like I am getting deeper in the Bubble these days.  Since my daughter's birth I've made a concerted effort to participate in groups like ICAN and Holistic Mom's Network.  Having made the transition from a very crunchy town to a bigger metro area that feels less crunchy, I was so caught up in my new pregnancy that I didn't reach out.  Getting my homebirth was all that mattered, so, of course, when that didn't happen, I felt a little lost.  Foolish even.  I was so focused on this one event that I missed out on forming meaningful relationships with other like-minded people.  I can count on one hand the people in my life with similar sensibilities which I knew before her birth.  I'm happy to say that number is now growing.

However being part of the bubble isn't always easy.  I often feel like the great pretender.  Everywhere I turn in the bubble people glowingly report beautiful home births, water births, natural births.  They often use terms like determination when they speak of their experience.  Believe me if it was all about determination, I would have VBACed at home.  I've got determination in spades.  But while their success stories are shared out of their own (well-deserved) pride, I find myself feeling inferior to their successes as though they did some better than me.  I vacillate between bitterness and acceptance.  I think what bothers me the most is how dismissive some other HBACers can be whether or not they realize it.  Often they talk about how they "educated" themselves and were "determined" to have a different experience.  The sober fact is that sometimes no matter how educated or determined you are, you still don't get the birth you want.

So as I descend deeper into the bubble, I find myself explaining myself and my births as though I need to apologize for them.  I know rationally I don't need to do that and that I was educated and determined.  But somehow bed sharing, breastfeeding, and babywearing still isn't enough to qualify me in my own mind, because deep down I believe people who don't know my story would dismiss me as another one of those uninformed moms who wound up with a section.  And I have to tell you, that sucks.

I've had to come to a realization about the issue.  I can't change my births.  I shouldn't apologize for them.  I did try.  I tried hard.  And perhaps most importantly, my past does not dictate my future.  I can still be a holistic mom and a c-section mom.  I can still be a homebirther and c-section mom.  My experience is different than others, but that difference can actually be valuable.

Quick and Dirty Bibs

The fastest DIY bib you don't have to sew unless you want to!  All my tutorials will be hosted at Spoolish from now on, but I will post links here!


QUICK AND DIRTY BIB

Happy Mother's Day!

THE GIRL I USED TO BE

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She came tonight as I sat alone...
The girl I used to be...
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully:
Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?
Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?
And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.
So gently rising, I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet, and fair.
And I told her that these are my only gems,
And precious they are to me;
That silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.
And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go
And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman that I am now
Pleased
the girl I used to be.
~~ Author Unknown ~~

Kid's dream playroom - inspiration board

Last summer, I started working on a lot of handmade toys for James.  Then I got pregnant and morning sickness took over our lives.  So here is my inspiration board for our play room.  Maybe I can undo the tv addiction and encourage more creative play :)

From Out of the Crayon Box

From Homemade by Jill

Lots of fun food

A felt play house

Like from This & That

more to come :)

Milwaukee's Fox 6 News has a Surprising Take on Bedsharing

Watch this first:
http://www.fox6now.com/news/witi-100503-bed-sharing,0,7099533.story

This video makes a couple of great points.
1) The "official" stance on bedsharing, shared by many health agencies, to discourage what they see as a dangerous habit does not fit every family.
2)  Breastfeeding is the key component to safe bed sharing.

Dr. Sears, a renowned pediatrician and practitioner of Attachment Parenting, makes these recommendations for safe sleep:

• Use an Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper® Bassinet. An alternative to sleeping with baby in your bed is the Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper®. This crib-like bed fits safely and snuggly adjacent to parent's bed. The co-sleeper® arrangement gives parents and baby their own separate sleeping spaces yet, keeps baby within arm's reach for easy nighttime care. To learn more about the Arm's Reach® Co-Sleeper® Bassinet visit www.armsreach.com.
• Take precautions to prevent baby from rolling out of bed, even though it is unlikely when baby is sleeping next to mother. Like heat-seeking missiles, babies automatically gravitate toward a warm body. Yet, to be safe, place baby between mother and a guardrail or push the mattress flush against the wall and position baby between mother and the wall. Guardrails enclosed with plastic mesh are safer than those with slats, which can entrap baby's limbs or head. Be sure the guardrail is flush against the mattress so there is no crevice that baby could sink into.
• Place baby adjacent to mother, rather than between mother and father. Mothers we have interviewed on the subject of sharing sleep feel they are so physically and mentally aware of their baby's presence even while sleeping, that it's extremely unlikely they would roll over onto their baby. Some fathers, on the other hand, may not enjoy the same sensitivity of baby's presence while asleep; so it is possible they might roll over on or throw out an arm onto baby. After a few months of sleep-sharing, most dads seem to develop a keen awareness of their baby's presence.
• Place baby to sleep on his back.
• Use a large bed, preferably a queen-size or king-size. A king-size bed may wind up being your most useful piece of "baby furniture." If you only have a cozy double bed, use the money that you would ordinarily spend on a fancy crib and other less necessary baby furniture and treat yourselves to a safe and comfortable king-size bed.
• Some parents and babies sleep better if baby is still in touching and hearing distance, but not in the same bed. For them, a bedside co-sleeper is a safe option.

Here are some things to avoid:

• Do not sleep with your baby if:
  
  
  1. You are under the influence of any drug (such as alcohol or tranquilizing medications) that diminishes your sensitivity to your baby's presence. If you are drunk or drugged, these chemicals lessen your arousability from sleep.
  2. You are extremely obese. Obesity itself may cause sleep apnea in the mother, in addition to the smothering danger of pendulous breasts and large fat rolls.
  3. You are exhausted from sleep deprivation. This lessens your awareness of your baby and your arousability from sleep.
  4. You are breastfeeding a baby on a cushiony surface, such as a waterbed or couch. An exhausted mother could fall asleep breastfeeding and roll over on the baby.
  5. You are the child's baby-sitter. A baby-sitter's awareness and arousability is unlikely to be as acute as a mother's.
• Don't allow older siblings to sleep with a baby under nine months. Sleeping children do not have the same awareness of tiny babies as do parents, and too small or too crowded a bed space is an unsafe sleeping arrangement for a tiny baby.
• Don't fall asleep with baby on a couch. Baby may get wedged between the back of the couch and the larger person's body, or baby's head may become buried in cushion crevices or soft cushions.
• Do not sleep with baby on a free-floating, wavy waterbed or similar "sinky" surface in which baby could suffocate.
• Don't overheat or overbundle baby. Be particularly aware of overbundling if baby is sleeping with a parent. Other warm bodies are an added heat source.
• Don't wear lingerie with string ties longer than eight inches. Ditto for dangling jewelry. Baby may get caught in these entrapments.
• Avoid pungent hair sprays, deodorants, and perfumes. Not only will these camouflage the natural maternal smells that baby is used to and attracted to, but foreign odors may irritate and clog baby's tiny nasal passages. Reserve these enticements for sleeping alone with your spouse.

Parents should use common sense when sharing sleep. Anything that could cause you to sleep more soundly than usual or that alters your sleep patterns can affect your baby's safety. Nearly all the highly suspected (but seldom proven) cases of fatal "overlying" I could find in the literature could have been avoided if parents had observed common sense sleeping practices.  Source: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t102200.asp

Good news for Breastmilk lovers: It cures cancer!

Substance in Breast Milk Kills Cancer Cells, Study Suggests

ScienceDaily (Apr. 23, 2010) — A substance found in breast milk can kill cancer cells, reveal studies carried out by researchers at Lund University and the University of Gothenburg, Sweden.

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Although the special substance, known as HAMLET (Human Alpha-lactalbumin Made LEthal to Tumour cells), was discovered in breast milk several years ago, it is only now that it has been possible to test it on humans. Patients with cancer of the bladder who were treated with the substance excreted dead cancer cells in their urine after each treatment, which has given rise to hopes that it can be developed into medication for cancer care in the future.

Discovered by chance

HAMLET was discovered by chance when researchers were studying the antibacterial properties of breast milk. Further studies showed that HAMLET comprises a protein and a fatty acid that are both found naturally in breast milk. So far, however, it has not been proven that the HAMLET complex is spontaneously formed in the milk. It is speculated, however, that HAMLET can form in the acidic environment of the babies´ stomachs. Laboratory experiments have shown that HAMLET kills 40 different types of cancer, and the researchers are now going on to study its effect on skin cancer, tumours in the mucous membranes and brain tumours. Importantly, HAMLET kills only cancer cells and does not affect healthy cells.

Studying the integration of the substance

Researchers at the University of Gothenburg are focusing on how HAMLET can be taken up into tumour cells. The researchers, Roger Karlsson, Maja Puchades and Ingela Lanekoff, are attempting to gain an in-depth understanding of how the substance interacts with cell membranes, and their findings were recently published in the journal PLoS One.

Source:  http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/100419132403.htm

The Birth Story, or the Best Laid Plans

Warning, this story could be a trigger for those with negative birth experiences or birth trauma.

We had originally planned a homebirth, but around 37 weeks I "risked" out of homebirth. So then we planned on laboring at home and transferring to the hospital before I was in transition. However, at about 38 weeks we discovered I had polyhydramnios (excess fluid). By the day before my due date my fundal height was measuring at 57 weeks. They estimated the baby to be at least 9 lbs but more likely 10. So we opted to induce because the extra fluid was putting me more at risk for uterine rupture (I was a VBAC) and cord prolapse if my water broke.
So we tried on Tuesday, the 16th, nothing happened, and we were sent home. We were very optimistic that a few more days would get us to where we needed to be. And I did everything during that time. I walked, did acupunture, moxibustation, castor oil and the list goes on.

Well after starting contractions at home at 2:30 am Saturday morning, we checked into Overland Park Regional for our second try at induction. We tried to break my water and couldn't, so we started pitocin. It took about 6 hours to get to 1 cm. Since I was a VBAC, we couldn't use cervical softening gel. At midnight, now at 2 cm, we broke my water, which was interesting since I had such an excessive amount.
The internals were as bad as with the first induction. My cervix was very high and hard to reach. They tried using a speculum to view it and break my water several times. I screamed a lot. DH actually made the doctor stop at one point. So my nurse had the brilliant idea to give me a little staydol (sp?) to help take the edge off. I was told I would still feel pain but I wouldn't care because I would feel sort of drunk. Ok, if it meant getting the water broken, I was game.
WORST. IDEA. EVER.
Take away all sense of rational thought and leave the pain while people are holding you down to do an internal. I think this was the moment when everyone realized the internals were causing me genuine pain. My husband actually gave me his belt to bite down on, which everyone thought was weird according to him, but I thought was genius. Because I know I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I felt her break the water and started screaming, "You did it, now get out!" They ended up giving me 2 grams of staydol. So now my contractions were incredibly intense and coming every 2 minutes but I had no capacity for rational thought. Some of this was funny. I told my husband that we were all fruit salad and that I knew we weren't actually fruit salad, but we were (pretty much direct quote). But mostly I was convinced my uterus was rupturing based on the pain and I kept asking them if Syd was ok and to check the monitor.

It's amazing how hard those contractions got when there was less water in there. I was still only at 3 cm and the contractions were coming every 2 minutes still. At 4 am, after being up for over 24 hours with contractions, I talked epi. Everything about the birth so far was unnatural. I had like 5 monitors in my hoo-ha alone, so all my grand notions of beautiful natural birth were shot. I knew that if we could get me to 10, I would have nothing left because it was going to be hours and hours more. My MW actually just looked at me and said to get it. There was no way we could keep going at this rate. So I did it. I hated the feeling, but I was able to sleep. Four hours later, I woke up to feeling pressure down there. We thought this was a great sign, since we were told I would start to feel the contractions more when I was getting closer. So the nurse came in and we were all so optimistic. At 9 am after checking my measurements over night (very strong contractions 2 minutes apart for 4 hours), we found out baby was engaged but I was still only 3 cm. Due to the excess fluid, she had engaged at an angle. The doctor offered to let us go a while longer, but with the issue of the fluid broken, and a baby that was in a poor position to help my cervix dilate, we decided on a c-section. I couldn't see putting her and myself through more stress, when it had taken me 9 hours to get from 2-3 and the situation looked poor. When we finally got into the Operating room, we discovered her head was tipped to the side (her temple was against my cervix so there was not enough pressure to dilate) and her cord was around her neck, so in the long run I'm glad we didn't try to deliver her under those circumstances.
The doctor against hospital wishes went ahead and took out the cyst they had found. It was a dermoid and it was huge. They had to remove part of my ovary. By far, the most painful aspect of recovery has been from that part of the surgery.
The surgery took forever. The doc opened along my original single layer incision and made it a double layer so i only have "one" scar on my uterus. They kept her in the room with me and let me cuddle her and then took us all down to my room to do the rest of the tests and what not. My MW was with us the whole time and it was comforting to have her there so Josh could go and get pics and video when she was born.  She weighed in at 8 lbs 11 oz and was down to 8.4 later that day, which I think is her adjusted weight after all the IV fluids.  She was born on her due date.

It was a much better c-section than the first, but DH and I had agreed that likely we wouldn't have more kids if we wound up with another surgery, so I have been struggling a little with that.
I also developed anemia and an infection and my pain meds make me black out, so I am under constant supervision. I'm not very good at feeling vulnerable, so this is hard for me. But Sydney is perfect and we both adore her.

Update: At 9 days postpartum I was readmitted for severe mastitis, a UTI, and an infection in my incision. It was pretty scary. I was released on oral antibiotics after a 2 night stay.

As you can imagine, the transition has not been easy. I'm struggling with a toddler and newborn at home and with memories of my birth. I'm in no way disappointed with my baby, but I am very disappointed in my body.